Posted 6/30/2004 09:21:00 PM by Douglas

The blog, now with commenting goodness. Be the first on your block to make a comment in my crap-blog. And you'd better hurry, because in a week when every post of my nonsensical rantings has 0 comments, they're going to go away.

Posted 6/30/2004 09:14:00 PM by Douglas

What could possibly be the motivation of suing a non-profit organization like the Boy Scouts? They don't even have any cookie revenue?

The federal government and the state of Utah sued the Boy Scouts of America on Tuesday for nearly $14 million to recover the costs of a 2002 fire at a Scout camp.

The lawsuit alleges that about 20 Boy Scouts ages 11 to 14 were left without adult supervision for a night outside an approved campground. Some of the boys built fires that were left to smolder and spread across more than 14,000 acres, the lawsuit says.

Ok, so maybe they were at fault, but it's not like the Boy Scouts are the only source of forest fire. Does that mean the federal government is going to hold a cloud liable if lightning starts a fire?

Damn, I wish that was a dumb question.

Posted 6/29/2004 08:23:00 PM by Douglas

It's like it's not safe to work at Chuck E. Cheese anymore.

A teenager dressed as pizza mascot Chuck E. Cheese was pelted with pizza and threatened with a beating by an angry parent who said the mascot wasn't paying enough attention to her child, police said.

Macon police reported that the 17-year-old female employee was dressed as the character — a gray cartoon-like rodent with large front teeth — when a 31-year-old Macon woman threw a piece of pizza at her Sunday afternoon.

It's important to note that it was the parent, not the child, that had a screaming fit and attacked a kid in a huge rodent costume. Still, I'd rather be pelted with pizza than robbed at gunpoint.

Here's one example where jobs are being replaced with robots and no one is complaining. That woman could have beaten a robotic Chuck E. Cheese from now 'till Sunday, and I don't think anyone would have cared. Or noticed.

Posted 6/28/2004 08:15:00 PM by Douglas

Two days ahead of schedule, and Iraq is a free and independent nation:

Iraq's new leaders reclaimed their nation two days early, accepting limited power Monday from U.S. occupiers, who wished them prosperity and handed them a staggering slate of problems — including a lethal insurgency the Americans admit they underestimated.

With the passing of a sheaf of documents and a prime minister's oath on a red Quran, the land once ruled by Saddam Hussein received official sovereignty from U.S. administrators in a secretive ceremony moved up to thwart insurgents' attempts at undermining the transfer.

"The Iraqi people have their country back," President Bush said at a NATO summit in Istanbul, Turkey.

So that means the United States military will be withdrawing, when exactly. Ah yes. As soon as we withdraw from all the other foreign, sovereign nations that house our nation's troops. How 'bout a batting order?

• The Philippines (1898)
• Germany (1945)
• Japan (1945)
• Italy (1945)
• South Korea (1953)

Judging from that list, it's easy to say that we're really good at setting up democracy, but not so good at actually leaving.

Let Freedom Reign!

Posted 6/27/2004 12:59:00 PM by Douglas

I'll admit, I haven't been following the news very closely lately, but it seems like there was some mention about weapons of mass destruction a while back. Like Iraq had them, so we invaded, then they didn't have them. I forget the details, but something like that. Now, not to be outdone, Iraq's wacky neighbor to the east is tired of Iraq getting all the attention and decided to continue with their nuclear program.

TEHRAN, Iran - Iran will resume building centrifuges for its nuclear program on Tuesday despite international objections, but will continue to hold off enriching uranium, the foreign ministry said Sunday.

Are these guys just trying to get bombed? But let's be honest and give them the benefit of the doubt. They haven't actually started enriching uranium yet, they're just working on the centrifuges. And the uranium may have peaceful purposes. Why would anyone assume that a country sitting on one of the world's largest oil reserve would be using enriched uranium for anything other than nuclear power and cancer research?

Iran had suspended the building of centrifuges, along with the enrichment of uranium, under international pressure, part of the IAEA's attempts to determine whether Iran's nuclear program is peaceful or aims to produce weapons, as the United States contends.

It doesn't seem like the current administration has adopted the "wait and see" method to foreign policy, so it sorta begs the question. . . What are they waiting for?

Posted 6/25/2004 05:54:00 PM by Douglas

Anyone remember the good old days of identity theft? Back when you could steal some old person's identity and go nuts with their credit history? Well, it turns out, you need to be a bit more careful about such things. Meet Sharon Durbin. She thought she had a good mark in her sights when she got hold of C. Rosenthal's bank info. I'm sure it wasn't 'till much later that she learned that Chuck Rosenthal was the district attorney for Harris County. Ooops.

Investigators say the 30-year-old Beaumont woman wrote nearly two dozen phony checks on the chief prosecutor's personal bank account, passing herself off as "Cathy Rosenthal," with a fake driver's license to match.

Meanwhile, Rosenthal had to shut down his bank account, contact the police and draw money temporarily out of his children's savings account.

Stealing the identity of a D.A. is like date-raping Superman's sister. You're not going to get away with it, and when they catch you, you're going down in a big way.

Posted 6/24/2004 09:29:00 PM by Douglas

$5 Million of our money awarded to UT aerospace engineering professors to. . . uh, I can't figure out what, exactly. But something to do with engines.

Four University of Texas at Austin aerospace engineering professors have received a $5 million, five-year grant from the U.S. Air Force Office of Scientific Research to develop more efficient engine concepts for space vehicles.

“If we don’t improve the cost-efficiency of launching vehicles into space, we will never be able to take advantage of the potential that space offers for scientific, commercial and military applications,” said Dr. David Dolling, professor of aerospace engineering and the project’s principal investigator.

The engineers will seek to combine propulsion methods used in commercial airliners and advanced research-grade engines to create an engine that is the most efficient for each point in the flight through the earth’s atmosphere, until rocket engines take over to boost the vehicle into orbit. Such an engine would save fuel and reduce structural weight, Dolling said.

Ok, better propulsion, lighter weight. So far we've caught up with the Wright brothers. What now? How 'bout some fancy thermodynamic name dropping?

Engines use only one kind of “propulsion cycle”—a way of mixing fuel and oxidizer, combusting it and producing hot, high energy gas to propel the vehicle. Commercial aircraft, for example, use gas turbine cycles and a few supersonic systems use ramjet propulsion cycles, in which the speed of the vehicle is so high that the air is compressed in the intake without a mechanical compressor. In the future, aircraft may be propelled by “scramjet” cycles in which combustion of the fuel and oxidizer will occur at supersonic speeds. The scramjet cycle is most efficient at very high speeds. Each of these cycles provides optimal efficiency over a different range of speeds. By combining cycles, the engine maximizes its efficiency at all points in the flight.

Gas turbines, ramjets, scramjets. Flim-flam Bo-Bam Jets. I don't have a clue as to what these guys are up to, but if there's one thing UT knows how to do, it's write up a grant proposal.

I wish them the best. Nothing would be better than for a bunch of UT guys to come up with the next generation of air/space craft propulsion. Hell, I might even put another "UT College of Engineering" sticker on my car.

Posted 6/24/2004 09:11:00 PM by Douglas

Even more than landing an airplane, any EVA that you can walk away from is a successful one, but holy crap!

Two astronauts who stepped out of the international space station for an unusually risky spacewalk were quickly ordered back in Thursday when Mission Control spotted a pressure drop in one of the men's oxygen tanks.

NASA stressed that the spacemen were never in any danger. They were safely in the pressurized confines of the orbiting complex within minutes, and said they were feeling fine.

Within minutes? They made it back in, thankfully, but the plural use of the word "minute" in that sentence is pretty pointless, dontcha think? Four seconds may be too long if you're stuck in a vacuum, I'd say.

Fincke had just popped open the hatch and floated outside when the frightening words came from Russian Mission Control: "You need to return. Something is not right."

I don't know if the Russian Mission Control center records all of their conversations like Houston does, but I'm pretty sure this transmission would sound something like the Russian equivalent of "Holy Shit, RUN!"

Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, I guess. But this is the space age in the 21st century. A Space Station that is under the control of two countries that don't like to talk to each other on the ground, much less at 200 nautical miles. And if the most complicated vehicle in the solar system is relying on rudimentary hand gestures from its maintenance crew, then we're in bigger trouble than we thought.

Posted 6/24/2004 08:47:00 PM by Douglas

Dallas moves to the number three spot of urban sprawl in Texas.

San Antonio has passed Dallas to become the second-largest city in Texas and the eighth-largest in the nation, according to new Census Bureau population estimates.

Houston remains the nation's fourth-largest city, between Chicago and Philadelphia, and by far the biggest in Texas.

¡San Antonio! ¡Se Habla Ingles!

Posted 6/24/2004 08:00:00 PM by Douglas

Now I guess I should feel guilty every time I cut my hair, too.

Posted 6/24/2004 07:47:00 PM by Douglas

Corrupt City Government part #48. The city's Big League Dreams project has had a pretty rough ride, and now the mayor doesn't want the necessary funding that was, ahem, "under-estimated" to come from bonds that must pass the scrutiny of a petition.

On Tuesday, Mayor Jeff Harrison told the council that bringing the project to a halt would only compound problems because the city would be left with several legal commitments and millions of dollars of improvements made to “a complex with no road, no lights and no drainage.”

“For people to sit up here and say we have an option to back out … is ridiculous,” Harrison said. “It’s past the point of no return.”

And let's not leave out this jewel from the city council:

“By postponing things we’re just simply adding dollars,” Councilwoman Katie Benoit said.

So what does this mean? It means that due to promises made by the mayor and city council, it's going to cost more in legal fees from lawsuits from developers to kill this project than it's going to cost to actually build this atrocity.

I just love it when my city council has my best interest at heart. Also, where's that damn petition?

Posted 6/23/2004 05:45:00 PM by Douglas

Which John Cusack Are You?

Posted 6/23/2004 05:38:00 PM by Douglas

Apparently, "The Dude Abides" in Louisville, Ky. Why? Because Jeff "the Dude" Dowd is from there? Something tells me Dowd has as much to do with "The Dude" from The Big Lebowski as George Clooney had to do with Odysseus, but that's hardly the point. These guys are obviously big fans of the movie.

"We get e-mails from people all the time who say 'Holy cow, I thought I was the only person who was crazy about this movie.' " says festival co-founder Scott Shuffitt, a Louisville truck driver, as he surveys the crowd.

And if you're planning next year's festivities, this would probably a good place to go for info. I think I'm going to have to get a bumper sticker. It would really tie my car together.

Posted 6/23/2004 05:17:00 PM by Douglas

The Washingtonienne story was tried before it even broke. A young woman making money off of politicians in D.C. through prostitution. What's notable about that? That she blogged about it? That she can type? I didn't see the story there. But now it looks like some other bloggers are trying to make a run of the same behavior, with hilarious results. This guy's story of trying to get 6 deviant sexual experiences and $400 is excellent.

"We need to have sex now," I said with roguish charm. "Like, right now. I have to get back home to watch JAG."

She looked at me as if I'd slapped her in the face with a carp. I pressed on.

Ok, that was the old g/f. Easy target. How 'bout the woman that runs the Korean market on the corner?

"It's not what I want," I cooed. "It's what you want."

I let my raincoat fall open, revealing the fact that I was wearing a halter-style t-shirt that exposed my abdomen. I'd craftily drawn "cut lines" on my stomach with brown magic marker, giving the appearance of a nice six-pack. At least giving that appearance to a nearsighted, elderly Korean woman.

And if there has ever been a better sentence that described Duran Duran music as an aphrodisiac, I'd love to see it top this:

Now Rio came on, but I skipped ahead to Save A Prayer. Friends, it's like this: If you can't close the deal to Save A Prayer, you might as well just pack it in and go home.

Classic. I hope he makes a million bucks. From the book deal, of course.

Posted 6/22/2004 05:51:00 PM by Douglas

"Tail Fins Rule." Happy Birthday, Cadillac Ranch.

Thirty years ago this month, Stanley Marsh 3 and a San Francisco group of architects dubbed the Ant Farm buried 10 vintage Cadillacs in the ground and launched an American legend.

Marsh said he was really glad to see some old friends who helped launch Cadillac Ranch three decades ago.

And many more to come.

Posted 6/22/2004 05:46:00 PM by Douglas

How freakin' desperate do you have to be to rob a Chuck E Cheese?

Two men robbed the Chuck E Cheese's pizza restaurant Sunday night, injuring three employees after they had closed for the night.

"The guy who stayed said he would beat the crap out of me," Fitts said.

That's just the saddest thing I've ever heard.

• Two thugs are waiting for a Chuck E. Cheese to clear out so they can take pizza money and skee-ball prizes
• They actually had $2,500 in pizza money and skee-ball prizes on hand
• The senior employee on had at the time of a robbery was a 20 year-old manager, and he got his ass handed to him like a little girl.

These are strange days.

Posted 6/21/2004 09:09:00 PM by Douglas

Here comes the sun da de da do da. . . . And I for one welcome the all seeing overlord. As a noted television celebrity, I could be useful at rounding up workers to toil in their underground sugar caves.

More than 20,000 New Age followers, self-styled druids and other revelers celebrated the summer solstice at this ancient stone circle Monday, dancing to drums and holding aloft flaming torches.

After a cool, wet night, the crowd cheered as the sun broke through cloudy skies more than an hour after dawn on the northern hemisphere's longest day.

Boy, those New-aged Druids really know how to throw a first-class party. They may have become sociologically insignificant, but they sure know how to party like it's 1299.

Ok, here's a really cool Solstice picture of the sun. I tried to poach it, but it was killing my bandwidth. Enjoy, and thanks DOD!

Posted 6/21/2004 07:57:00 PM by Douglas

What a wonderfully amazing feat has been accomplished in the California desert today. The first in a very long line of R&D necessary to make space travel viable for terrestrial commerce.

"The door to space is finally open to the rest of us," said George Whitesides, executive director of the National Space Society, which is wants to see space travel opened to people from all walks of life.

Hold the phone, George, let's not get ahead of ourselves. This is an amazing accomplishment, no doubt, but it's still a far cry from even achieving Low-Earth Orbit. This is the same kind of sub-orbital flight that NASA realized was pointless more than 40 years ago. Is it interesting that they did it on their own dime? Yes, but that's like saying the second solo Trans-Atlantic flight was significant because Lindberg's plane wasn't blue. That dog don't hunt.

Also all over the news today was its $20 Million price tag, versus a per flight cost of about $450 Million for a shuttle flight. Apples and Oranges. You can't compare the brainchild of the genius Rutan brothers to a NASA orbiter anymore than you can compare a 17 foot sailboat to the QE2. They both float on the water, but the similarities stop there. You just can't compare the capability, performance, or cost of SpaceShipOne to a LEO flight in an Orbiter.

[Whitesides] said the team members "have proven that human spaceflight is no longer the realm of governments alone."

Not exactly, but it's a dang good start. It's amazing to see that there's interest, funding, and the fabulous Rutan Brothers that are going to focus their genius on such a daunting task. I hope they can pull it off again in two weeks and finally claim the X-Prize.

Posted 6/21/2004 07:43:00 PM by Douglas

Fidel, in sparse form from his previous eight hour orations, threatens President "Bring 'em On" Bush against invading Cuba. Short end: "That would be very sad."

Tens of thousands of Cubans rallied Monday, as Fidel Castro warned President Bush against launching a military attack on Cuba, saying it would provoke a mass exodus and an all-out ground war.

Washington has repeatedly denied it is planning any military action against Havana.

But an increased tightening of sanctions against the island, along with the Bush administration's pre-emptive strike on Iraq, has convinced the Cuban leadership that a military attack is not impossible.

"Do not try crazy adventures such as surgical strikes or wars of attrition using sophisticated techniques because you could lose control of the situation," Castro said in a speech addressed specifically to Bush before the morning.

When reached for a comment, President Bush said, "Well, we weren't going to invade Cuba, but now we pretty much have to. I've been wanting to kick their ass ever since their big Soviet Brother left their limp-wrist standing at the Western Hemisphere bus stop with a pocket full of lunch money. It's go time, now Fidel. Jenna said she needs a new place to work on her tan, anyhoo."

Posted 6/20/2004 06:37:00 PM by Douglas

Keeney wins in a landslide.

“The citizens in League City wanted their town back,” he said, shortly before giving a speech in which he described the day as a wonderful day for the city. “People put their hearts into this election and it shows how much they believe in my vision.”

Strong words. If only any of this mattered.

Posted 6/20/2004 05:55:00 PM by Douglas

Amarillo. Home of Pantex and very little else.

It's a peaceful picture of remote Texas Panhandle countryside. The amber wheat fields, the grazing cattle, the smattering of farmhouses.

Then there's the nuclear plant.

Growing up in the shadows, or at least the mushroom cloud, of Pantex was eerily normal. Something about those sodium vapor lights visible from U.S. 287 that mom always pointed out when we drove by made it seem all too ordinary. Of course, in the height of the 80s cold war, it was the topic of many discussions, even before The Day After tried to scare the crap out of a whole new generation too young to remember the Cuban Missile Crisis. One thing was sure, though. We were right in the middle of it and we were toast. If those red bastards tried to nuke us, Amarillo was first, we were the first target on their list.

Now it's a different story. Now the nuclear warheads at Pantex are being dismantled, with limited success.

In January, technicians used duct tape to secure broken pieces of an explosive component to a nuclear warhead. Nothing exploded, and no one was hurt. Last fall, technicians taking apart an old warhead accidentally drilled into its radioactive core, forcing evacuation of the building.

So it's come to this. It's truly incredible that such a massive endeavour as the American nuclear weapons program has been reduced to a 2-reeler of the Keystone Cops.

Posted 6/20/2004 03:23:00 PM by Douglas

Sub-orbital spacecraft for $40 million? If this doesn't have NASA crapping its pants, it should.

The fat nose covered with blue stars and the pea-shaped port holes make SpaceShipOne seem more like an oversized toy than a serious rocket plane -- but on Monday this craft will attempt to make the world's first private space trip.

Check also here for info and drawings.

Posted 6/20/2004 02:58:00 PM by Douglas

I don't think I get this Does the dog have turnons? It was with the paper for 9 years, even though it's just 4 months old. How very odd.

Posted 6/19/2004 04:26:00 PM by Douglas

Pretty funny captions from the G-8 meeting in Georgia last week. The best one:

Laura doesn't mind being moved around like furniture so Dubya can arrange a pic. She's a sport.

Posted 6/19/2004 03:01:00 PM by Douglas

Seventeen months after STS-107 disappeared in a fiery ball in the skies of East Texas, what have the brilliant minds of NASA been working on? spackle

When space shuttle flights resume, the astronauts will have putty and other filler to repair cracks and small gashes in the wings, but they will not be able to patch a hole as big as the one that doomed Columbia, NASA said Friday.

Michael Kostelnik, deputy associate administrator, said it is taking longer than expected to come up with a technique for wrapping a crater as big as the one gouged in Columbia's wing by a chunk of foam last year.

A bunch of rocket scientists, these guys. . .

Posted 6/18/2004 09:14:00 PM by Douglas

Corrupt City government at its finest. Looks like they borrowed from the "sell some land you don't own" playbook.

On May 15 last year, the city wrote developer Randy Hall a check for $250,000. The payment ensured the option to purchase 40 acres the city wanted for its Big League Dreams sports complex, and council considered the $1.25 million price tag a bargain. There was only one problem: Hall didn’t own the land.

According to deeds filed with the county clerk, Hall — technically the trustee for the Grace M. Lewis Family Trust — didn’t take title to the land until Aug. 7. That same day, Hall transferred title to the city.

Hall, grandson of the late League City patriarch, banker and political power broker Walter Hall, said he had the property under contract when the city expressed interest in buying it for Big League Dreams. “Once you contract for a piece of property you control the property,” Hall said.

Sooo, Hall didn't own the property, but he controlled it, but only after the City wanted it? Does that make any sense? Rusty, drive it home for us:

“There are three questions here,” said Councilman Rusty Tidwell. “First, why did the city front Randy Hall a quarter of a million dollars of the taxpayers’ money for land he didn’t yet own?

“Secondly, did Hall have inside information to put a contract on the land because he knew the city was going to buy it? And finally, Hall promised to sell the city those 40 acres for the same amount he paid for them, and we have no way of knowing if he did.”

And now, for the answers.

Hall said the city persuaded him to sell the land at his cost in the interest of being a good corporate citizen. Although Hall said he hesitated, he ultimately agreed, believing that the Big League Dreams project would generate business.

By Hall’s estimate, the land he sold the city for $1.25 million was worth more than twice that amount. “I took about a $1.5 million discount,” Hall said. “If they’re interested in selling the property back to me at what they paid for it, I’ll buy all they want to sell.”

I don't know what in the hell a "good corporate citizen" is, but anyone that's going to piss away $1.5 million on a land deal to the City has to have another iron in the fire. Right?

Posted 6/18/2004 09:00:00 PM by Douglas

Lileks has a great piece about growing up in post-war middle America. Fargo in the 60s, and as usual, he nails it:

How can anyone be suitably complex when he's born in a Capra set?

What's amazing to those that didn't have the same experience during their upbringing is that this Norman Rockwellian universe was real, and still is in a lot of the rural landscape. It's hard for urban/suburban people to wrap their soccer balls around that fact.

You can't describe the vastness of the Panavision prairie to East Coasters. Either the idea bores them--sorry, if there's not an all-night Thai take-out every ten blocks I am so not there. Or it's incomprehensible--what, a dirt ocean that just sits there?

I once had a similar discussion with a suburban kid about the vast emptiness of West Texas. He said, as if it were a condemnation, "man, there's just nothing there!"

I know, ain't it cool? Not a Starbucks or a stripmall for at least 100 miles in any direction. If only we all were that lucky.

Posted 6/18/2004 08:44:00 PM by Douglas

How to lose you job at any High school in America.

An assistant principal at an East Texas high school has resigned after being accused of sending nude pictures of himself to a 16-year-old female student, authorities said Thursday.

A statement released by Lufkin schools Superintendent David Sharp said Lewis resigned as 11th-grade assistant principal at Lufkin High School Tuesday after being confronted with the accusation.

Ok, that will get you fired at any school in America, but it's surprising that it didn't get this guy shot in East Texas. Is there any mitigating evidence?

Sharp said the photo was not sent from school.

Well, that's the important part right? It's OK to send nude pictures of yourself (??) to minors if you use your own ISP, right?

Posted 6/18/2004 08:37:00 PM by Douglas

And you thought your commute sucked. At least you made it.

Though an incredible clap of thunder and flash of lightning jarred residents in the Lakeside Estates subdivision off Wilcrest Road, they didn't immediately realize the bad weather had turned fatal.

Ouch. Makes you want to leave the umbrella at home.

Posted 6/18/2004 08:15:00 PM by Douglas

Yet another update on the YMCA camp counselor turned convicted child molester that underwent voluntary castration. He's back in jail.

A former YMCA camp counselor voluntarily castrated after he was imprisoned for molesting 40 children is back in jail after a grand jury indicted him on two child sex abuse charges.

Not much of a surprise there, really.

Posted 6/17/2004 05:17:00 PM by Douglas

Another great time waster. Nothing like spilling blood with a bow.

Posted 6/17/2004 05:11:00 PM by Douglas

There's got to be a special place in hell for people like this.

Police searching for leads asked local news stations today to air a videotaped torching of a homeless man who was sleeping on a bench.

The videotape of the Tuesday night attack is of poor quality but shows six to eight people get out of cars, approach the sleeping man, then flee after flames appear.

What in the hell is wrong with people?

Posted 6/17/2004 04:57:00 PM by Douglas

As far as boring wastes of time on the internet go, this one is right up there. But on the creative way to promote your band scale, this is pretty damn cool.

Posted 6/17/2004 04:51:00 PM by Douglas

Guilty. The State of California can do something right.

A Contra Costa County jury needed less than a day to decide Wednesday that Justin Alan Helzer, with his brother and their roommate, brutally murdered five people in the summer of 2000, setting the stage for an even deeper journey into the mind of a shy young man who killed with a hammer and his bare hands.

Craziness.

Posted 6/17/2004 04:49:00 PM by Douglas

Unable to turn a profit, Delta Air Lines now clamoring for socialism to pad their bottom line.

Delta Air Lines' chief executive on Wednesday said it is "completely clear" the No. 3 U.S. airline cannot survive in its current form, as fare levels continue to erode despite an improving economy.

Many analysts and industry experts have said Delta might have to file for bankruptcy to significantly cut costs.

Low-cost competition in 70 percent of its markets and weak air fares have hurt Delta for a while.

Not Al Queda, not Bin Laden, not even Star Jones. Competition is hurting their business, and they're still crying about it. Why?

All this even after they got rid of their $2.73 Million CEO in 2003 for the paltry $500,000 CEO they have now.

Posted 6/15/2004 05:08:00 PM by Douglas

It's only June, but the award for this year's most bizarre court case can already be handed out. In California, of course. Anytime you've got a Mormon assassination, Messianic death-cult and a Playboy Plamate, you can stop looking for a trial that's going to get any weirder.

This week, a jury in Martinez, a small town outside San Francisco, will retire to consider the bizarre, brutally violent cult surrounding one Glenn Taylor Helzer, a lapsed Mormon accused of bludgeoning and dismembering five people in an elaborate extortion racket intended to hasten the second coming of Jesus Christ.

Helzer, a former stockbroker who has already pleaded guilty and faces the death penalty, exerted a charismatic hold over an eclectic group of followers including his younger brother, a former girlfriend turned Playboy centrefold model, and a self-described "good witch" who once offered to raise money for Armageddon by appearing in porn films.

Of course she's a good witch! She's a porn star! It's just so amazing that this kind of person can manage to get so many people to not only listen to his insane rantings, but do their bidding as well. At what point of psychosis does this sound like a good idea?

The culmination of Helzer's plan was to have been an operation codenamed "Brazil", in which he would send South American orphans to Salt Lake City to kill the 15 elders who run the Mormon church.

According to Godman's testimony, Helzer imagined he could blame the murders on the "government behind government" and take over the leadership of the world's 12 million Mormons himself.

Right. Because that's what happens to people when their religious leaders are murdered.

Kookoo for cocoa puffs.

Posted 6/14/2004 07:23:00 PM by Douglas

Is it just me, or is Chelsea cute?

I hope, for her sake, she can stay under the radar of Bill and his three beer-buzz. Otherwise, she's in trouble.

Posted 6/14/2004 07:19:00 PM by Douglas

Personally, I don't see the big deal here. The doctors have excluded cases of emergency, right? Lawyers get to pick their clients, right? Why should doctors have to treat these blood-suckers if they are destroying their practice?

A doctor's proposal asking the American Medical Association to endorse refusing care to attorneys involved in medical malpractice cases drew an angry response from colleagues Sunday at the annual meeting of the nation's largest physicians group.

Many doctors stood up to denounce the resolution in passionate speeches - even after its sponsor, Dr. J. Chris Hawk, asked that it be withdrawn.

Hawk, a South Carolina surgeon, said he made the proposal to draw attention to rising medical malpractice costs. The resolution asks that the AMA tell doctors that - except in emergencies - it is not unethical to refuse care to plaintiffs' attorneys and their spouses.

What's more tragic? An attorney's family that has to pay more to see a physician, or an entire community deprived of medical care because the cost of malpractice insurance? It's not like they're without options? They just might have to *gasp* pay a higher price for healthcare. It's about damn time, and I wish every physician in the country would follow their lead.

I've never seen a commercial on TV from a doctor's office looking for someone that was bleeding.

Posted 6/14/2004 07:04:00 PM by Douglas

Merriam-Webster has the list of the 2004 Top Ten Favorite Words. I didn't know 6 (obviously), 9, or 10.

Posted 6/14/2004 07:01:00 PM by Douglas

OK, so the "boil the frog" analogy is a big fake, but that doesn't mean it's a bad analogy when referring to modern American business management techniques.

Posted 6/14/2004 06:57:00 PM by Douglas

I guess this guy got fired from McDonald's for revealing the ingredients of the "secret sauce", so he decided to try his luck at Denny's.

A former night-shift cook at a Denny's Restaurant in Illinois is in hot water after allegedly getting creative in the kitchen.

Anthony Lindhorst, of Waterloo, is charged with five counts of aggravated battery for allegedly lacing brownies with marijuana and mixing his semen into the restaurant's sauce.

Lindhorst is accused of serving the brownies to co-workers and the tainted sauce to two customers.

Sounds like this guy had some friend that would really appreciate the brownies, but as for the two customers that got the "tainted sauce," well, that's just nasty.

Posted 6/13/2004 12:01:00 AM by Douglas

I can't believe this is news. I can't believe I blogged it a year ago.

As of this Sunday, June 13, wonder twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are legal adults. The girls will be able to vote and buy cigarettes. Their 18th birthdays also mark the end of an era for the Olsen Twins Countdown Clocks, the Internet sites devoted to tracking the years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds until the former Full House-rs come of age.

The countdown clock fad began when the twins hit their mid-teens and transformed from tween phenoms to legitimately hot celebrity babes.

I hope for their sake they save some of that #300 Million. I personally can't wait for their True Hollywood Story of "Child Star Turned Bad" when they start robbing video stores.

Posted 6/12/2004 04:01:00 PM by Douglas

Gotta give credit where it's due, and when a recent high school graduate goes the extra mile, the Amarillo Globe News is there. Meet Berkley Stone:

Stone recently graduated from Randall High School, where she helped plan and organize the United Way Youth Leadership Day. Their fund-raiser was Jell-O Jam. Senior students were given a week to raise money. The students raising the most money wrestled teachers in a pool of Jell-O.

That's right. High school girls organizing Jell-O rasslin'. But hey, it's for a good cause, right? Here's the funny part:

• Volunteer's comments:

"There is an inner peace you feel when you see the children you've helped and knowing you've done something to help someone," she said.

Ah yes, the sublime, inner serenity that only comes from rolling around in Jell-O. Maybe that's what my life is missing?

Here's to you, Berkley. I'm sure this is but the first of a long and intricate career that consists of you and Jell-O. . .

Posted 6/11/2004 07:09:00 PM by Douglas

Survivor, Texas! This is the last cow to get voted off the island:

What did she win? A one way flight to Mumbai.

Posted 6/11/2004 07:04:00 PM by Douglas

Irony. Be sure and check out definition 2a. U.S. Border Patrol uniforms made in Mexico

Some agents for the U.S. Border Patrol are irate at what they see in their new uniforms: a "Made in Mexico" label.

"I just received a half-dozen new shirts, pants -- and the labels all say they are made in Mexico," said Rich Pierce, a Tampa-based agent and executive vice president of the 16,000-member National Border Patrol Council, the agents' union. "Why can't we have uniforms made in the U.S.? ... The other agents I've talked to all think this is some bad joke."

Having agent uniforms made in Mexico is just the wrong thing to do, he said. "It's the wrong message."

Uh yeah, and I think the message is clear: Cheep labor is OK, but only if it's in this country.

Posted 6/11/2004 06:59:00 PM by Douglas

I'm sure the ferry operators at Bolivar Point have seen it all. The times I've been on the ferry I've seen my share of drunks on the verge of sun-stroke, so I'm sure the ferry boat captains have a few stories to tell. Now they can tell about the day the Hare Krishnas were denied passage because their horse-drawn wagons weren't secure.

The three Hare Krishna pilgrims were denied entry to the Port Bolivar ferry this week after traveling more than 2,000 miles from Pennsylvania. Texas Department of Transportation employees who manage the ferries told the travelers they would not be able to travel on the ferry to Galveston because it was illegal to bring unconfined animals or animal-powered vehicles aboard.

And I thought Hare Krishnas just annoyed LLoyd Bridges in the airport. Who knew? Galveston County Sheriff's office, come to the rescue:

The pilgrims decided to wait for help Thursday. The Galveston County Sheriff's Office arrived later with a borrowed livestock trailer to take the horses and their companions across the bay to the Oleander City.

At least they didn't have to go around the bay, but anyone going through Galveston on their way to, well, anywhere, obviously can't read a map. It's an island people. Unless you're headed to that particular island, it's probably going to be out of the way.

Posted 6/11/2004 06:53:00 PM by Douglas

If you're going to commit suicide, why not go all out?

Authorities found Friday the body of a passenger on a sightseeing helicopter who plunged to his death at Grand Canyon National Park in an apparent suicide.

The company operating the helicopter said the passenger removed his seat belt during the flight Thursday, opened a door and intentionally jumped. Park officials offered few details on what led up to the man’s death, saying only that he allegedly opened the door and exited the helicopter.

“Right now they are calling it an apparent suicide, but it’s still under investigation,” said park spokeswoman Leah McGinnis.

The only way you could improve on this method of suicide is if you paid for the helicopter tour with a bad check.

Posted 6/11/2004 06:44:00 PM by Douglas

Don't be fooled by imitators. Others may promise only 5,000 ladybugs, but get 'em here, and get 7,000 ladybugs. Heck, even if 1,000 of them die in transit, you still end up with 6,000 ladybugs.

And let's face it: that's still an awful lot of ladybugs.

Posted 6/11/2004 06:14:00 PM by Douglas

Even without the anticipation of the World's largest airliner from Airbus, morning the loss of the 747 is most assuredly premature.

Concorde's last flight provoked tears and eulogies from many thousands of people who had never even flown in her, including me. The slow demise of the Boeing 747, by contrast, is passing unnoticed and unmourned, despite its far greater significance in the evolution of modern travel, and in millions of personal stories.

What he fails to mention is that there's a reason for the sagging orders of the Jumbo 747. Long, international flights are generally a loss-leader for the Airline. Why cram 400 people in the plane for long flight when smaller planes making short hops are much more profitable?

But Airbus has staked at least $12 Billion on it, and barring any future EU bailouts, their success rest on the chance that the problem with the 747 is that it's just not big enough. Meanwhile, Boeing is developing the 7E7, a mid-sized twin-aisle plane with 300 passengers going 4,000 miles.

So what's it gonna be? A huge aircraft with as many bodies as will fit servicing hub airports that have to be specially modified to accommodate this super-plane, or moderately sized efficient airplanes taking passengers to all the airports currently in service? The ramifications are huge, and both companies have staked their reputation and their futures on it. Hopefully the EU won't bail out Airbus if they fail.

Posted 6/11/2004 06:03:00 PM by Douglas

Ted Rall is a complete moron. I didn't say anything when the neo-con war-bloggers eviscerated him for his anti-Bush, anti-war cartoons, even though I pretty much agreed with them in that they looked like they were drawn by Jr. High students. And I really can't get all excited about all the Reagan worship going on now, but this piece is particularly embarrassing:

The federal tax code, originally conceived to redistribute wealth from top to bottom, was "reformed" to eradicate social justice.

So, Reagan's shameful legacy is that he wasn't a raging communist?

Reagan wasn't without his deserved criticisms, but holy cow, Ted is off the deep end on this one. Presidents are largely a product of their era, and the people that say Reagan just got lucky to be in the right place at the right time are the exact same people that claim every freakin' sunrise during the Clinton Administration as a victory for progressive liberalism.

Ted, maybe you shouldn't drink so much bong water before you pound out your next column.

Posted 6/11/2004 05:53:00 PM by Douglas

Why would a 21 year old widow marry an 81 year old Civil War Veteran? For the state funeral, of course.

Three days of tributes to Alberta Martin, the last widow of a Civil War veteran, began Thursday with her body lying in repose at the First White House of the Confederacy as re-enactors in gray uniforms stood guard.

Gov. Bob Riley, first in the line of mourners, placed a wreath of magnolias beside her wooden casket. A Confederate battle flag covered the casket, as Martin had requested.

That really is an incredible story. Two words I hope don't appear in my obituary: re-enactors and musket.

Posted 6/08/2004 08:45:00 PM by Douglas

Why is it that there can't be a single accident in this country without someone proposing to enact some ignorant legislation to counteract the tragedy? [I link to the definition of accident because I'm firmly convinced that no one knows what the hell it means anymore]. Anyhoo, turns out the good folks in Indiana are yearning to fill the void formed by Matt Jennings in short haste.

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. -- Classmates of a 14-year-old boy who died last week in a skateboarding accident want a new law in his name requiring skateboarders to wear helmets.

The eighth graders at Batchelor Middle School have named the potential legislation "Matt's Law" for Matt Jennings, whose funeral was scheduled for today.

At what point do we as a society determine the extrapolation of such bullshit becomes too great to bear? I have a few hypothetical scenarios:

• It's the skateboard's fault! - naw, that's been done to death, plus skateboard makers have shitty insurance
• It's Wal-Mart's fault, because he was skating in their parking lot! - Nope, tried that one, too, and they put up signs that forced Matt to skate in the public street, and we all know the City of Bloomington has even shittier insurance
• It's their own fault, because they neglected their own pre-pubescent urges of video games, beer, and even chasing girls for a life of riding a piece of spray-painted pine with four wheels bolted underneath, and fell on their own ignorant heads.

Holy crap! That last option sounded like the voice of reason. Damn, I've got to stop drinking when I post. . .

Posted 6/08/2004 08:38:00 PM by Douglas

Cruel and unusual? I don't think so. It may be a bit unusual, but it'd only be cruel if she had to do spend 30 days in her trailer with a couple of emaciated horses.

When the animals were found in late January, they were boney and emaciated, diagnosed with intestinal infections and a skin condition known as "rain rot."

One of the horses had severe abscesses on his hoofs that made it difficult to stand.

"He was just swaying back and forth in pain because he didn't want to put any weight on either foot," said Assistant District Attorney Tacie Ball, who prosecuted the three-day trial.

Other than tying her up unfed for four months, I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what would be cruel and unusual for her. At least she's getting bread and water.

Posted 6/08/2004 08:12:00 PM by Douglas

I don't know what this is. I don't know what they do. I'm a bit scared, really, but glad that they're in Indiana.

Posted 6/07/2004 06:06:00 PM by Douglas

Does the FCC know about this? I hope it's not legal in the United States, for obvious reason.

If your partner is always changing channels, don't throw a wobbly, simply reply 'of course you can love' - have we gone mad? No there's method in our madness.

Dude, don't throw a wobbly. . .

Posted 6/07/2004 05:36:00 PM by Douglas

I never thought I'd link a piece from The Weekly Standard, but I think they're on to something with this rant about NPR. So Houston might not be the biggest market from NPR's key demographic group of "Liberal Affluent Boomers," but they have some really interesting stuff sometimes, and many nationally syndicated shows that don't get picked up here in lieu for classical music.

"You do get the feeling a little of being an anachronism," Glerum said. "There's no question that there's less and less classical music on the radio now, and more and more programming that's produced somewhere else. The trend seems kind of overwhelming at times, like something you can't overcome.

ClearChannel has pretty much killed any competition among radio stations, so we're all reduced to the bile that industry consistently churns out. If I want to hear actual music? I find a CD, so I can't get too upset for people that want to listen to classical music having to do the same thing. But if you want to listen to Car Talk, All Things Considered, or Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, you're pretty much hosed if you live in an area that either doesn't have NPR, or has an NPR station that would rather play classical music.

And yet--so what? A reader with small-government, libertarian-conservative sympathies will raise the inevitable question: Why should government-supported radio exist at all? For those who look to public radio for classical music (or for any of the other traditional, minority tastes that are being purged from its airwaves), the principled small-government man will ask, Scrooge-like: Are there no CDs? Is there not satellite radio? Aren't there many other private means by which such eccentrics may satisfy their craving?

Exactly. The libertarian in me see everything worthwhile on NPR getting easily get picked up by commercial radio. Wait a second, that's how it is now. Most NPR shows have corporate sponsors (read: Commercials) right now. So what's the freakin' hold up?

Yank NPR's public funding and give me back the 17¢ a year they extort from my taxes. Now!

Posted 6/06/2004 03:25:00 PM by Douglas

Reagan's speech after the Challenger accident.

There's a coincidence today. On this day 390 years ago, the great explorer Sir Francis Drake died aboard ship off the coast of Panama. In his lifetime the great frontiers were the oceans, and a historian later said, "He lived by the sea, died on it, and was buried in it." Well, today we can say of the Challenger crew: Their dedication was, like Drake's, complete.

The crew of the space shuttle Challenger honored us by the manner in which they lived their lives. We will never forget them, nor the last time we saw them, this morning, as they prepared for their journey and waved good-bye and "slipped the surly bonds of earth" to "touch the face of God."

Posted 6/04/2004 06:41:00 PM by Douglas

Cell phone companies suck. The sky is blue. Nothing new there. It's just good to see that there are others that are taking notice of how much they suck.

After Julie McMurry's husband died last summer, Verizon Wireless told the Enumclaw, Wash. woman that she would have to pay an early termination fee on his cell phone contract. "I said, 'This isn't an arbitrary thing, I'd be glad to fax you a copy of the death certificate. The man's dead.'"

The Verizon rep said McMurry could either pay the fee or give the phone to another family member.

Early termination? I'm sure Verizon had a clause in the contract differentiating between the contract's early termination and the customer's early termination. Oh wait, did that say Verizon? Then of course it didn't.

Posted 6/04/2004 06:36:00 PM by Douglas

"Another piece [of debris] went right through a backyard trampoline, evoking a mother's lament: "Those damned kids" ..."

Quite an interesting 20,000 word article about the Columbia disaster. I read what I could. Some excerpts that are ironically funny:

It was Miracle Whip on Wonder Bread, standard NASA fare

And an excerpt that I won't be able to forget for as long as I live:

Shuttles arrive on time or they don't arrive at all.

Posted 6/04/2004 06:29:00 PM by Douglas

Great picture. I can't believe it's been 15 years.

Posted 6/03/2004 06:43:00 PM by Douglas

Oprah, Elmo. Elmo, Oprah. Also appearing, Diane Sawyer. Where the hell was Uma??

Man, here's a three-way nobody wanted to see.

Posted 6/03/2004 06:36:00 PM by Douglas

The price of silence.

British composer Mike Batt found himself the subject of a plagiarism action for including the song, "A One Minute Silence," on an album for his classical rock band The Planets.

He was accused of copying it from a work by the late American composer John Cage, whose 1952 composition "4'33"" was totally silent.

On Monday, Batt settled the matter out of court by paying an undisclosed six-figure sum to the John Cage Trust.

I hope this is a joke. I bet the Cage Trust is really busy prosecuting all the live performance versions of 4'33 that happen every day. I think I just had one right now!

Before the start of the court case, Batt had said: "Has the world gone mad? I'm prepared to do time rather than pay out. We are talking as much as £100,000 in copyright.

"Mine is a much better silent piece. I have been able to say in one minute what Cage could only say in four minutes and 33 seconds."

I've heard a rumor that 4'33 became very popular in the 50s. People at diners would put as many nickels as they had on this record just so they could enjoy some silence with their meals. Eventually the record became quite scratched, and then entertained the patrons with cracks and hisses.

Which to this day is still more enjoyable than anything by Justin Timberlake.

Labels: silence

Posted 6/02/2004 08:17:00 PM by Douglas

Houston, Texas, were at least you know the name of the stripper that's giving you a lap dance:

Adult entertainers in Houston will have to abide by a city ordinance that require them to display their city licenses while performing, a federal appeals court has ruled.

The city has argued that the license display will allow police officers to determine more easily whether a performer is complying with city regulations.

The industry contends that its businesses are singled out for such treatment, and that requiring dancers to display their real names could endanger their safety. Most perform under stage names.

The obvious question. Where are they going to display their ID?

Posted 6/02/2004 08:11:00 PM by Douglas

Update on the case of the YMCA Camp counselor that underwent voluntary castration to get a reduced sentence for molesting 40 children. He's looking at an early release [worst pun in pun history] if new charges get thrown out tomorrow.

"I'm a better person today," Jones, 33, told the newspaper. "I'm grateful that I was caught when I was -- there's no telling how much I could have escalated."

This is obviously a tragic case, but he admitted to molesting 40 children? Prisons are built for guys like this. . .

Posted 6/02/2004 08:06:00 PM by Douglas

When was the last time anyone has sought Pat Boone's advice on United States foreign policy? It looks like the wait may be over. Was Toby Keith and the Dixie Chix unavailable for comment? I think this sort of lunacy can be shelved where it belongs: (Crooners, washed-up. See also, nuts). But there are two things of this vitriolic diatribe that are noteworthy.

America has lost credibility with Muslims and the Arab world internationally, perhaps forever; and every American life is in far greater danger from terrorist reprisal, no matter who and where we are!

What kind of soccer-mom veneration of self esteem is this? The worst part of the invasion, the prison scandal, and the media fallout that followed is the loss of America's credibility? Uh, I think maybe the body count might take precedent over America's credibility.

Freedom of the press is a cherished commodity, guaranteed by our Constitution. But freedoms, if they are to be maintained and to have the original meaning, must be treated with grave responsibility and restraint.

Disagreeing with the government is fundamentally American, as "guaranteed by our Constitution." And just like "hate speech" and plain-old tin-foil hat wearing craziness, everyone's opinion is protected by the same First Amendment. But flash back to the Clinton Administration. Every time Clinton talked about a new gun law, these folks thought their doors were going to be kicked in within the hour, their guns confiscated, and dogs murdered.

Now, flash forward to the present Republican Administration, these same people that cried of government tyranny are telling us to sit back, relax, let Bush 43 run the show, and to treat our First Amendment Right of free speech with "restraint" when it comes to criticizing the administration.

Consistency, folks.

Posted 6/02/2004 07:56:00 PM by Douglas

We'll miss you, Tank. Rest in Peace, big man.

Posted 6/02/2004 07:54:00 PM by Douglas

Welcome to Galveston.

A teenager was bitten by a shark during the holiday weekend along Galveston Island, where a near-drowning also was reported and crews continued searching for a missing swimmer.

The 16-year-old boy was wading with his father off Pirates' Beach in Galveston about 7:45 p.m. Saturday when he was bitten on the leg by a 3- to 4-foot-long shark.

Summer is officially here.

Posted 6/01/2004 08:24:00 PM by Douglas

Welcome to Texas! Now buy some BBQ and get on home.

Seriously, how can you beat a cow decorated in mosaic tile like the Texas Flag? Short answer? You can't.

Posted 6/01/2004 08:11:00 PM by Douglas

Art too Bad to be Ignored™ found its place on the web. Sadly, when I clicked on the MOBA link, I was really disappointed that it didn't take me directly to a Thomas Kinkade gallery near me.

I can dream, can't I?

Posted 6/01/2004 08:04:00 PM by Douglas

Technical Virgin's website would be funny, if satire hadn't died in 1984. I've heard too many people that work with children of this age that think anal intercourse is an effective means of, ahem, preserving their virginity.

So in that case, it makes this website hilarious. Enjoy, kids!

Posted 6/01/2004 07:52:00 PM by Douglas

How much does a Houston Omelet cost? About half a million bucks.

Drivers passing through Bellaire ran headlong into a scrambled mess Monday when an 18-wheeler carrying 30,000 pounds of eggs overturned on the West Loop.

The accident shut down the freeway's northbound lanes for more than 14 hours and sent an avalanche of eggs sailing over the side of the overpass, crushing an unoccupied Texas Department of Transportation truck at a construction site below that was closed for Memorial Day.

No injuries were reported, save for the egg truck driver's broken nose. But the cost of cleaning up after the accident might be considered painful: Crews had to soak up the spilled diesel and pressure wash the area, and the highway must be repaired. The tab is expected to total almost $500,000, according to Milstead Environmental response supervisor Gary Babb.

Dang, half a mil, and no hash browns? I like my Houston freeway scattered, smothered and covered, with a side of sausage.