Posted 8/19/2002 10:32:00 PM by Douglas

”The Anna Nicole Show, then, is Smith's comeback vehicle, an attempt to remind us that long before we came to think of her as a venal, shallow gold-digger, we thought of her as a venal, shallow bimbo. She succeeds wildly.”

Wow, who could argue with that? Or this:

I actually caught 15 minutes of this cultural train wreck this weekend before I had to avert my eyes. I got to see the description of the dog humping the stuffed bear:

Even Smith's toy poodle, Sweetie Pie, is a twisted little beast, who, when not ingesting Prozac, tears the panties off a stuffed teddy bear then humps away. ("One time Sugar Pie saw me f--- this guy," Smith tells us, "and the next day she just started doing it, and she's pretty good at it.")

Ok folks, if your freakin’ DOG is learning how to hump from your behavior, maybe it’s time for some square dancing or a bridge club.

I don’t want to swamp this with quotes, because the story is too funny to miss, but this is classic:

If there is one constant in the show, however, it is Smith's breasts. She bares at least one-half to three-quarters of them in every shot. When she participates in strenuous activities — such as climbing into other people's bathtubs to make sure that she can fit — they lash out like two wombats being suffocated under a baby blanket. To some, this might sound sexy on paper. It's not. By now, Smith's breasts appear to contain so many foreign objects that they literally have lumps — not of the tumorous variety but the type you see in curdled milk.

Damn, that’s funny. Funny that he could tie in the milk metaphor too, eh?

Anna Nicole Smith is nothing more than the sum of her self-destructive appetites packaged in silicone saddlebags.

Good that we could tie in silicone, too.

The culminating moment:

Later she told us she would rather die gracefully than be embarrassed at any cost." If that is truly the case, look for Anna Nicole to be cashing out at any moment.

We can only hope.