Posted 9/30/2008 05:46:00 PM by Douglas

P.J. O'rourke deals with a little bit of the butt cancer:

God knows this stuff. He's God. He's all-knowing. What am I telling him, really? "Gosh, you sure are a good God. Good -- you own it. Plus you're infinitely wise, infinitely merciful, but ... look, everybody makes mistakes. A little cancer of the behind, it's not a big mistake. Not something that's going on your personal record. There's no reason it can't be, well ... reversed, is there?"

Even facing death, he's still pretty damn funny. But I'll echo this accord:

Thus, the next time I glimpse death ... well, I'm not going over and introducing myself. I'm not giving the grim reaper fist daps. But I'll remind myself to try, at least, to thank God for death. And then I'll thank God, with all my heart, for whiskey.

God bless whiskey, indeed.

Labels: P.J. O'Rourke

Posted 9/30/2008 05:39:00 PM by Douglas

Some truly spectacular before and after pictures of Ike. The area's new favourite motto: It's only a category 2.

Posted 9/29/2008 05:29:00 PM by Douglas

No, baby, it's not you. It's me. And it's not just because we're going $700 Billion in the hole to plug the hole in our hemorrhaging economy. Either way, we can't fund your cute little fire crackers anymore.

The signs of a midlife crisis are there: A 50th birthday approaching; a longing for the glory days of youth; a hankering to dump the aging partner of 27 years; and a costly flirtation with a new young thing.

This isn't some balding businessman in a sports car. It's NASA.

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration, which opened its doors on Oct. 1 1958, is struggling with its identity and its future. The agency's angst is Velcroed to the vehicle that NASA has been married to for more than half its life and is seeking to dump — the space shuttle.

Well are we going to go, or aren't we. Time for country to decide. The population has overwhelmingly rejected the bailout, yet there's still popular support for the manned spaceflight program. Even so, NASA is low hanging fruit for the budget ax, and that's painfully obvious.

Posted 9/27/2008 12:23:00 PM by Douglas

One more video. I find it worth noticing that Bush has only two settings. Smart ass frat boy, and a feaux, condescending sneer of assumed authority, like when that creepy uncle caught you checkin' out his stack of Playboys.



He knows we stopped listening to him sometime in '06, right?

Posted 9/27/2008 11:51:00 AM by Douglas

This is kinda funny. Don't worry, there's no way she's going to get elected:



And coming up after the break, Joe Biden in a two-piece.

Posted 9/25/2008 08:32:00 PM by Douglas

Other than "we're doomed," I really don't have much commentary to make about the trillion dollar buyout. But this quote cracked me up.

I heard that Wall Street traders will treat us like liberators.

That's right, folks, the same government that's brought you the war on terror is stepping up to fight the war on banking.

For those of you that need a refresher, this is the same government that brought you the war on poverty, teen-age pregnancy, homelessness, literacy, and the disastrous war on drugs.

So sleep tight, America, I'm sure Al Queda isn't on Wall Street. Yet.

Posted 9/25/2008 08:19:00 PM by Douglas

Houston, we have another problem. China is about to go EVA:

China launched a three-man crew into space Thursday night, including one who will make the country's first spacewalk — its most challenging mission since its first orbital flight in 2003.

The three astronauts — who were reported in good physical condition, with body temperature and blood pressure normal early Friday — were scheduled to assemble and test their space suits later in the day ahead of the spacewalk, which Xinhua said will most likely happen on Saturday afternoon.

China Manned Space Engineering Office said earlier that the spacewalk could occur either Friday or Saturday, depending on how well the astronauts adapt to weightlessness and other physical demands of their environment.

Anyone in Houston, Texas, not worried about their job getting outsourced to China better wake the fuck up.

And they're not "astronauts", they're Taikonauts.

Posted 9/25/2008 08:02:00 PM by Douglas

Another day, another huge bank collapses.

JPMorgan Chase & Co. Inc. came to the rescue of Washington Mutual Inc. Thursday, buying the thrift's banking assets after WaMu was seized by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. in the largest failure ever of a U.S. bank. This is the second time in six months that JPMorgan Chase has taken over a major financial institution crippled by bad bets in the mortgage market.

The deal will cost JPMorgan Chase $1.9 billion, and the bank said in a statement it planned to write down WaMu's loan portfolio by approximately $31 billion. JPMorgan Chase, which acquired Bear Stearns Cos. last March, also said it would sell $8 billion in common stock to raise its capital position.

The FDIC, which insures bank deposits, said it would not have to dip into the insurance fund as a result of the seizure. There had been concerns that the fund, which took a big hit after the seizure of IndyMac Bank, could be depleted by a WaMu seizure.

Is it too late to plant potatoes this year? I don't think the ammo and gold coins I have buried in my back yard is going to get me through the winter.

Posted 9/25/2008 05:38:00 PM by Douglas

Dr. Ron Paul, sticking to his guns as "Dr. No" for what will most certainly be his last term in the U.S. House of Representatives:

Some Galveston officials aren't too pleased with their congressional representative, Ron Paul, R-Lake Jackson, for voting against the $22.8 billion disaster recovery aid package on Wednesday.

"That's sad. That's bad," City Manager Steve LeBlanc said.

"I find it very distressing," said Councilwoman Karen Mahoney, who represents the West End of the island, where damage was extreme. "He's voting against aid for the region that he represents? I don't find that very representative."

I've asked several people hit much more severely by Ike than I was if they had any idea how they were going to get any of this money. No one has a clue. Aside from the cities and counties getting reimbursed for cleanup and emergency services, the people aren't going to see jack squat. So put that with Dr. Paul's history, this vote should surprise absolutely no one. As it does:

But other residents said Paul's vote didn't bother them. "We've worked hard all our lives," said Gene Lossow. "We take care of ourselves. I don't need FEMA or anything else. We got insurance."

Lossow, 65, works as a clerk at the Port of Galveston. The floodwaters soaked through his one-story ranch house, rising to 4 feet. Lossow and his wife had just spent $90,000 renovating the home a few months ago.

Lossow, who said he doesn't vote, shrugged at news of the aid package. "There are too many people who expect the government to take care of them. But I'm not one of them."

Some people need some help, and everyone understands that. But all things being equal, everyone would rather take care of themselves. Why is that so hard to understand?

Posted 9/25/2008 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

Does FEMA stand for Fuck-up Every Major Accident?

Thousands of pallets of ice, originally dispatched for areas ravaged by Hurricane Ike, melted in the sun today on a runway at Randolph Auxiliary Air Field here, with more trucks lining up to unload more ice.

But it's not indicative of poor planning by the Federal Emergency Management Agency, a spokesman said. In fact, it's just the opposite, evidence that FEMA was well prepared for Ike.

Of course it wasn't. It's a sign of what an excellent job they did predicting the requirement for solid water surplus, right Brownie?

"That ice is surplus ice from the original requests from state, county and local authorities before the scope of the hurricane was known," said FEMA spokesman Richard Scorza. "We try to anticipate the needs for various commodities. The good news is it addressed the immediate needs of the population and there are no shortages."

Ok, fair enough. Too much is better than too little. At least they're being open and speaking to the public with honesty and candor.

FEMA officials and security personnel at the airfield, an annex of San Antonio's Randolph AFB, refused to allow reporters onto the property, and initially objected to a reporter standing on a public road near the fence to try to interview truckers inside the fence.

When some truckers consented to an interview, a man wearing a FEMA shirt arrived on a golf cart within moments and threatened to have the truckers fired.

"This conversation is over," he told the truckers. "Or you guys will not be here any longer."

A security guard at the gate said the truckers had all signed an agreement not to speak to news media.

Don't let the public know how much we fucked up! It could hurt our already horrible image.

One trucker, contacted by phone, agreed to speak if his name was not published.

He said he picked up his 40,000-pound load of ice in Maryland last Wednesday and arrived in Houston near midnight Saturday, where he sat until he was sent to Sequin today to have the ice unloaded.

He said he was frustrated and upset at the turn of events, estimating the cost of the ice and his trip to be at least $12,000. He said he had seen at least 125 other trucks at the facility unloading.

125 trucks, 40,000 pounds of ice, 3,000 miles to Maryland. Don't make me do any math tonight. My favourite FEMA related picture, from Galveston, no less:

God Bless Texas!

Posted 9/25/2008 05:12:00 PM by Douglas

"Our policy in this administration -- laws shouldn't bail out lenders, laws shouldn't help speculators."

-- President Bush, May 19, 2008

Today, not so much

What's amazing to me is that the administration seems a little surprised that Congress and the American people are not marching in lockstep with them on this and not fully appreciating the urgency.

Well here's why, in one word: accountability.

It's just embarrassing, but I love the duality of Bush's position: Medical care for the population like every other Western nation in the world? Abject socialism. Bailing out money changers that made bad investments? Vital to the nation's economy.

Posted 9/25/2008 05:03:00 PM by Douglas

McCain has officially blown it. His kewpie doll gave him the bump he needed, but he's back to trailing Bambam just like he always has, but he made a bigger mistake: He pissed off Dave.



Anyone that's ever watched Dave knows there one thing he absolutely hates: being snubbed, which McCain did big time. That would be bad enough, if everything Letterman said wasn't 100% true. Thanks for the link, squirrel.

Posted 9/23/2008 05:58:00 PM by Douglas

Hey cheeseheads, want some bacon with that?

The trial of a Texas man accused of causing agricultural havoc in western Wisconsin by bringing the first wild hogs to that area is set to continue next month.

Robert Scott Johnson of San Marcos is accused of driving a trailer full of feral hogs from Texas to Crawford County, Wis., in February 2002.

According to the official complaint, when Johnson was near the town of Gays Mills, he opened the trailer and released about 30 of the animals.

What a moron. He's going to drive all the way to Wisconsin just to drop off 30 feral hogs? A box of bullets are a lot cheaper than 200 gallons of gas.

Posted 9/23/2008 05:18:00 PM by Douglas

I can't see anything wrong with this. I've responded to many of these deals from overseas, and they've all pretty much worked out.

Posted 9/23/2008 05:15:00 PM by Douglas

C'mon. Let Barbie talk. It's just prolonging the inevitable when you shield her like the beauty queen she is.

The campaign had planned to allow a “pool” camera and producer -- serving as representatives for all five television networks -- as well as wire and newspaper reporters into of most of Palin's meetings. But, at the last minute, the campaign informed the press corps that only cameras – without reporters or producers accompanying them – would be permitted.

The five television networks protested, threatening not to shoot video of the meeting at all unless an editorial presence was allowed into the meeting.

The campaign relented, and a CNN pool producer was permitted to view the beginning of Palin's meeting with Afghan President Hamid Karzai, the first of the day.

So they think they can trot her out to look pretty for a photo-op at the opening of a Dunkin' Donuts and/or meeting with the president of Afghanistan but they won't let talk? She's not even that pretty.

Posted 9/22/2008 05:13:00 PM by Douglas

Great photo-blog of Ike from the Boston Globe.

Posted 9/20/2008 02:16:00 PM by Douglas

Remember, this conservative president is all about the free market, not government bailouts.

President Bush has asked Congress for the authority to spend as much as $700 billion to purchase troubled mortgage assets and contain the financial crisis.

That's $2,300 for every man, woman and illegal alien in the country.

Posted 9/17/2008 03:44:00 PM by Douglas

Does your hurricane shelter accept pets?

The full-grown lion was from a local zoo, and the owner was trying to drive to safety with the animal when he saw cars and trucks stranded in the rising floodwaters. He knew he and the lion were in trouble.

He headed for the church and was met by a group of residents who helped the lion wade inside, where they locked it in a sanctuary as the storm raged. The water crept up to their waists, and two-by-fours came floating through broken windows. But the lion was as calm as a kitten.

Do you have 150 pounds of raw meat a day?

Posted 9/15/2008 05:08:00 PM by Douglas

Here's most of the damage we got, which didn't happen till Sunday morning (I have NO idea what day it is.) The row of shingles on the roof let in some water when it rained another 5 inches, and the sheetrock came down, on top of the car.

Could have been a lot worse, and when your ceiling collapses, you want it to be over your car instead of over your bed. So I'm talking to my insurance company: When can I expect an adjuster to come here? "Don't feel like you are less important to us as customer." Dude, turn on your TV. I am less important right now. Or at least should be.

Here's the other thing that is getting a little creepy:

Blackhawks at the treetops: That's always a good sign.

One more thing: Made it to our local non-HEB grocery store today, and people were relatively calm. I was pleasantly surprised to see an ample selection and quantity in the beer aisle. I comment to the guy standing there peering into the non-functioning cooler, "Wow, I can't believe I'm going to get picky." He says "I'm not. I only drink Bud out of bottles, and they're out." I couldn't freakin' believe it. I can't believe he's going to be picky, but being picky about Bud?!? Sweet Jebus. I mean, we're all making sacrifices, but can you drink your piss-water beer out of a can and shut your freakin' pie hole? Focus, people.

Posted 9/15/2008 04:47:00 PM by Douglas

The best picture from Ike, so far:

That's the memorial to the 1900 storm, there on the seawall in Galveston. That's Ike right behind it, reminding them why they built it.

Posted 9/14/2008 01:15:00 PM by Douglas

We made it. Got power, water, internets, a gaping hole in the ceiling, and a raging hangover. Thank god for refrigeration. There'll be more later.

Posted 9/13/2008 04:16:00 AM by Douglas

Update from the eye of the storm: It's bad. We lost some of the roof, most of the fence, and pretty much all of my pretty little Norfolk Pine tree.

The Horror. Now the wind starts from the other direction.

Thankfully, we still have power.

Posted 9/13/2008 12:43:00 AM by Douglas

Well, it's coming, still.

Yeah, it's coming, but it's not near as bad as the fear-mongers warned us about.

Imagine that.

Posted 9/13/2008 12:23:00 AM by Douglas

Talking to some others around the Clear Lake area, and there are some power outages, but no rain, no surge, and a shit load of wind. So we're here, waiting it out. I expected to lose power at 10pm, based on the winds, but here we are. High winds, with power still. Cross your fingers.

Posted 9/13/2008 12:23:00 AM by Douglas

My favourite quote so far out of the local NBC weather dweeb: "I get a lot of emails, and the biggest one is "why isn't as bad as you said it was going to be, Frank?""

Because my job description is to scare the hell out of old people.

Posted 9/12/2008 10:58:00 PM by Douglas

We just took our first refugee. Oreo, the kitty pictured below, finally started getting freaked out, so he's in the garage. I tried to find him, and he was sleeping under my vehicle, like there's nothing going on. Good for him.

Posted 9/12/2008 09:21:00 PM by Douglas

9:20: Rain. Sideways

Posted 9/12/2008 08:52:00 PM by Douglas

My favourite Ike clip so far: Geraldo Rivera getting flushed into the ocean like the turd he is:

Posted 9/12/2008 08:16:00 PM by Douglas

The IKE drinking game: Do a shot when the weatherman says "possibly" or "maybe." As in "there's a 20 foot storm surge that's about to rape and murder your mother, maybe."

I'm friggin' wasted.

Posted 9/12/2008 08:01:00 PM by Douglas

Had our first Ike tragedy. A big limb came off and rested on the fence. So I ran out with an electric saw and cleaved it equally in mine and my neighbor's yard. The trees on the other side of the house have me a bit concerned. Still good on the power and connectivity, obviously.

Dammit, branch, that's my NEW fence!

Posted 9/12/2008 06:14:00 PM by Douglas

Live blogging Ike. The winds are here, the rain is intermittent, and the media is still freakin' the fuck out. There's a huge fire on the island that fire fighters can't get to, so that's giving the suited haircuts on TV something to talk about. Here's the sky as it looks now. The bands are kinda eerie:

And here's my stab at plywood art this time. I went the generic route, since it says "go away Rita" on the back side of that sheet.

And here's Oreo, our outside stray kitty that's not so concerned with the storm as some people are:

If only Anderson Cooper were so relaxed or realistic.

Posted 9/12/2008 03:40:00 PM by Douglas

I don't like Ike:

Posted 9/12/2008 01:06:00 PM by Douglas

The plywood's up, the water jugs are full, and the beer's cold, so we're as ready for Ike as we can be. With no evacuation ordered for my provincial Hamlet, I'm not too worried about it. It's gonna get ugly tonight, but there's no sense is running for no reason. You gotta dance with who brung ya.

I just hope Ike doesn't slap us around like the other famous Ike slapped Tina around after a four day coke binge.

Stay dry!

Posted 9/11/2008 10:42:00 AM by Douglas

In honor of Ike:



Should I cool it or should blow? You blow, Ike.

Posted 9/10/2008 06:58:00 PM by Douglas

For some reason, I can't get this song out of my head today. Yeah, sometime folks never seem to learn their lesson. I say bring it, Ike!

Posted 9/09/2008 05:16:00 PM by Douglas

My favourite John McCain video, when he was on SNL. He nails the absurdity of Lifetime movies, too:

Posted 9/08/2008 05:49:00 PM by Douglas

So it looks like Ike may make a turn to the south. But guess who IS coming to Houston? You guessed it: Tina.

Don't do Ike that way, Ana Mae, I got songs in my head, baby, I just need to get my band back together!!!

Posted 9/08/2008 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

A bunch of real rocket scientists these guys:

A retired NASA engineer looking to develop an inexpensive way for people to travel to space might have to go back to the drawing board after one of his experiments exploded Saturday.

Too much methane-oxygen fuel mixture accumulated in the rocket engine when the engine wouldn't fire, causing the explosion, Manis said.

Alternate headline:

Rocket Explodes in Hitchcock, Tens of Thousands of Dollars of Community Improvement Expected

Yeah, I've been there.

Posted 9/08/2008 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

The world's largest atom smasher is going to be online this week, much to the dismay of darkness-fearing Druids everywhere.

Whatever the case, the most powerful atom-smasher ever built comes online Wednesday, eagerly anticipated by scientists worldwide who have awaited this moment for two decades.

The multibillion-dollar Large Hadron Collider will explore the tiniest particles and come ever closer to re-enacting the big bang, the theory that a colossal explosion created the universe.

Thanks GOD this one of a kind, world-class research facility is in Europe instead of Texas. That would just be awful.

Posted 9/06/2008 04:36:00 PM by Douglas

The Daily Show's stab at the candidate's biopics are pretty damned funny. First up, Obama. Every time he talks, an angel has an orgasm:



And now, the Maverick Reformer, turned Reformed Maverick:

Posted 9/06/2008 03:32:00 PM by Douglas

Can't wait to hear what the skeptics have to say about this:

A steady stream of devoted evolutionists continued to gather in this small Tennessee town today to witness what many believe is an image of Charles Darwin—author of The Origin Of Species and founder of the modern evolutionary movement—made manifest on a concrete wall in downtown Dayton.

Added Freiberg, "Behold the power and glory of the scientific method!"

The proof is there. You just choose not to believe!

Posted 9/04/2008 05:33:00 PM by Douglas

I don't really have much of an opinion about the Palin thing, other than the ridiculously alliteratively worded headlines, but the God thing is a bit disturbing:

In an address last June, the Republican vice presidential candidate also urged ministry students to pray for a plan to build a $30 billion natural gas pipeline in the state, calling it "God's will."

"Our national leaders are sending them out on a task that is from God," she said. "That's what we have to make sure that we're praying for, that there is a plan and that plan is God's plan."

Well, roll on, Holy Warrior. But what I find interesting is that due to her total lack of any real political experience (if I hear PTA again, I'm going to vomit), all they can talk about is how she ruled Alaska with an iron, federal pork money refusing fist. Well, not so much.

John McCain touts Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as a force in the his battle against earmarks and entrenched power brokers, but under her leadership the state this year asked for almost $300 per person in requests for pet projects from one of McCain's top adversaries: indicted Sen. Ted Stevens.

That's more than any other state received, per person, from Congress for the current budget year, and runs counter to the reformer image that Palin and the McCain campaign are pushing. Other states got just $34 worth of local projects per person this year, on average, according to Citizens Against Government Waste, a Washington-based watchdog group.

Not really the maverick she's making herself out to be, and since this the only thing they've got, so they're running with it. But, she's also really good at wrangling money for her constituency, and quite proud of it.

Take, for example, Wasilla City Council Informational Memorandum 99-62, prepared on June 14, 1999. This little gem outlines some of the state-funded projects that Wasilla City secured that year, including $1.2 million for storm water treatment and $605,000 for pedestrian pathways.

So, $3.5 Million in pork for a town of 9,000 is a "we did it" moment? Actually, it's kinda comforting to know she's a self-serving politician that sways where the popular wind blows.

Posted 9/04/2008 04:55:00 PM by Douglas

He's back!!

Amarillo NBC affiliate KAMR-TV announced Tuesday that meteorologist Roy McCoy will join the station on a freelance basis.

"We're honored to have a KAMR and Amarillo legend come back for an encore performance," news director Ny Lynn Nichols said in a news release.

McCoy has a long history with the NBC affiliate. He served as chief meteorologist for the station for most of his 40 years in broadcasting.

Roy McCoy was the Channel 4 weather guy since dinosaurs ruled the land, and also the first "celebrity" I ever met. He was a really nice guy.

Posted 9/04/2008 04:49:00 PM by Douglas

News flash: It's not always because you're black and pointing it out all the time makes you look like an idiot.

In a lawsuit she filed against her lenders in federal court last week, she alleges she was targeted for a loan with onerous terms because she's black. Her suit mirrors one filed by the attorney general of Massachusetts and another by the city of Baltimore.

Instead of the loan she was promised, the mortgage was for more than $175,000 on a home valued at about $156,000. Included was more than 10 percent, or $17,654, in points and fees and a $103,000 balloon payment due in 30 years.

I can't imagine anyone thinking this is a racial issue. A loan office would wet his pants if he got anyone dumb enough to sign a loan like this, regardless of color.

Posted 9/04/2008 04:41:00 PM by Douglas

Bush at the Convention: This is what you're going to run with? Really?

I know what it takes to be President. In these past eight years, I’ve sat at the Resolute Desk and reviewed the daily intelligence briefings, the threat assessments, and the reports from our commanders on the front lines.

Where you sick this day?

Posted 9/03/2008 11:42:00 AM by Douglas

Hilarious. For some reason, I don't think this is too far off the mark of what really happened.


I bet he does have a necklace made of human ears.