Posted 9/23/2010 09:18:00 PM by Douglas

Staying married is hard enough, but imagine how hard it would be if you had to keep up your divorce insurance every month?

WedLock, as it's coyly named, is a new type of casualty insurance that gives the unhappily married policyholder a payout after he or she is unhitched. It costs about $16 a month for every $1,250 of coverage. But to discourage people from signing up just prior to their divorce, policyholders must ante up for four years before the policy will pay out. It adds a premium of $250 per unit for every year the marriage survives beyond four. So if a policyholder who bought 10 units got divorced after 10 years, he or she would have handed over $19,188 and would receive a payout of $27,500.

Wow, what an abhorrent concept. And a crappy investment. That $160 a month would buy a lot of arsenic for his/her coffee.

Posted 9/23/2010 09:09:00 PM by Douglas

Most famous, and yet most anonymous gym teacher of all time, died.

Leonard Skinner, arguably the most influential high school gym teacher in American popular culture, whose enforcement of a draconian classroom policy against long hair inspired some of his students to name their Southern rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd, has died, The Florida Times-Union reported.

Everyone gets their 15 minutes. But I like this part. I just hope someone says something this nice about me someday:

“They were good, talented, hard-working boys,” Mr. Skinner said. “They worked hard, lived hard and boozed hard.”

Posted 9/19/2010 06:36:00 PM by Douglas

This story says it came form The Onion, but I'm not so sure. Sound quite reasonable.

After weeks of debates, concessions, and committee hearings, the U.S. Senate finally passed legislation Tuesday to rent the 1989 action-comedy Tango & Cash.

The bill, known as H.R. 5806, or the Kagen-Delahunt Tango & Cash Rental Act, allocated $3, plus a further 17 cents for local sales tax, to rent a VHS tape of the Sylvester Stallone–Kurt Russell buddy vehicle from the Capitol Video off Dupont Circle.

The two main things wrong with this is that I didn't think congress acted on such pressing issues, and they actually got it passed. Other than that, it's completely fiesable. But where's the rider?

According to sources on Capitol Hill, Senate Democrats were only able to garner the votes necessary to send the bill to the president's desk after a series of backroom deals. One of the staunchest Republican holdouts, Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN), finally put aside his objections to the film when a $37 million rider to overhaul Tennessee's municipal parking garages was attached to the bill, giving it a filibuster-proof 60 votes.

THERE it is. It's all coming together now.

Posted 9/14/2010 08:20:00 PM by Douglas

Do you have an uppity Western woman that wants to sleep in the car during road trips, yet she feels like she's too liberated to wear a burka? Finally, a compromise, the SnazzyNapper! It's also a plus that you look like an idiot.

Posted 9/13/2010 08:07:00 PM by Douglas

The book burning in Amarillo was narrowly averted.

A planned Quran burning Saturday in Amarillo was thwarted by a 23-year-old carrying a skateboard and wearing a T-shirt with "I'm in Repent Amarillo No Joke" scrawled by hand on the back.

Jacob Isom, 23, grabbed David Grisham's Quran when he became distracted while arguing with several residents at Sam Houston Park about the merits of burning the Islamic holy book.

Wow. I honestly thought that this couldn't get any dumber. I was wrong. Be sure and check out the video here. thanks, long-time reader

Posted 9/13/2010 08:03:00 PM by Douglas

Great video of the 787 crosswind landing test in Iceland. That's one hellofa crab angle.

Posted 9/12/2010 12:54:00 PM by Douglas

I rarely find myself agreeing with Michale Moore. Ok, besides fast food and big t-shirts, I never agree with Michael Moore. But this piece says it all. It's not about a "ground zero mosque." It's neither a mosque nor at ground zero. No, the issue is about America, not Islam.

Because I believe in an America that protects those who are the victims of hate and prejudice. I believe in an America that says you have the right to worship whatever God you have, wherever you want to worship. And I believe in an America that says to the world that we are a loving and generous people and if a bunch of murderers steal your religion from you and use it as their excuse to kill 3,000 souls, then I want to help you get your religion back. And I want to put it at the spot where it was stolen from you.

When popular opinion decides who can build their church and where they can put it, we all lose. This is kinda funny, too:

There is a McDonald's two blocks from Ground Zero. Trust me, McDonald's has killed far more people than the terrorists.

Posted 9/12/2010 12:45:00 PM by Douglas

When they say "part of a balanced breakfast," this probably isn't what they meant when they said you needed eggs with your cereal.

An Upson County couple is suing a grocery store chain in federal court, claiming that the husband found a used tampon in his bowl of cereal. According to the complaint, __ said they bought a box of Chocolate Chip Crunch cereal from the Save-A-Lot store in Thomaston in October 2008. A day after buying the cereal, __ said he discovered the tampon in his bowl after taking a bite of the cereal.

It wouldn't have been a big deal if it'd been cooked properly.

Posted 9/11/2010 03:52:00 PM by Douglas

So it looks like the attention-whoring "pastor" in Florida has called off his Korean burning festivities this evening. Why anyone would want to burn some Koreans is completely beyond me, but we all know how wacky those Floridians are. The most disturbing part of this story? Look at how many microphones are in front of him in this picture. Some red-neck from a no-name church in gator-fart, Florida getting international media coverage for being an idiot. Mission accomplished, CNN.

The pastor of a Florida church says his congregation has decided to call off the burning of the Quran that was to be held Saturday -- the ninth anniversary of the September 11, 2001 attack on the United States by the al Qaeda terror network.

Ass Pimple arrived in New York late Friday night and was working to set up a meeting with the imam in charge of the Islamic center planned near ground zero. The planned meeting, Pimple had said, helped persuade him to halt the burning.
Name changed to prevent this mouth breathing attention whore from getting any googley goodness on my account

But if you simply must get your 9/11 book burnin' on, you just have to go as far as Amarillo to find some knuckle-dragging troglodytes doing something stupid for some media attention.

The leader of a controversial Amarillo faith group plans to burn copies of the Quran today at Sam Houston Park.

"We want to show that Islam is not a religion of peace," Phartbreath said.

Right. And burning a book over a billion people find holy is going to do that?

I think the whole 'book burning' thing is completely overblown. Hell, a shrewd, Islamic bookseller would LOVE to get the Quran supplying rights to these knuckleheads. As Ann summed up quite perfectly, all you're saying, in a completely moronic and inflammatory way, is "I don't like this book."

Posted 9/11/2010 03:33:00 PM by Douglas

Wondering about the safety of the nation's nuclear bombs? Don't worry, the guys in the machine shop in PanTex are on it.

The Pantex Plant has created a specialized tooling system to help dismantle the B83 bomb, a Cold War-era nuclear weapon that weighs more than 2 tons.

The new tooling system is expected to reduce by half the number of facilities needed to dismantle a B83 and reduce the time it takes to process each weapon. The B83 is an air-dropped weapon once carried on U.S. bombers.

The new tooling provides a safe, controlled method of handling a 2,500-pound assembly in a single operating area without the need for hoisting or rigging equipment.

Well that's good, I guess. I can't imagine it being that much more difficult to disassemble such a device but maybe these guys didn't keep the receipt.

This story was also picked up here, which I'm posting just for the comments:

AnonomousIdiot wrote:
Gosh, AP did you think the Muslim terrorists had forgotten where the nuclear weapons were stored and you had to remind them with this no nothing article?

Yeah, because before that, no one knew where America's nuke plants where. It's just good they're being carefull. What's the worst that could happen?

A watchdog group charges a nuclear warhead nearly exploded in Texas when it was being dismantled at the government's Pantex facility near Amarillo. The Project on Government Oversight says it has been told by knowledgeable experts that the warhead nearly detonated in 2005 because an unsafe amount of pressure was applied while it was being disassembled.

Sleep tight, Amarillo!

Posted 9/09/2010 07:43:00 PM by Douglas

It's funny when a man claims he was sexually harassed by a woman. It's even funnier when the woman is Britney Spears.

According to papers filed in Los Angeles Superior Court, Mr Flores alleges that Spears made repeated, unwanted sexual advances and summoned him to her room to expose her naked body.

There's only three possible ways a nekkid woman's sexual advances is harassment. If she's too fat, if he's too drunk to notice, or notice how fat she is, or if he didn't realize the hour was already up.

Posted 9/09/2010 06:59:00 PM by Douglas

I couldn't decide which headline to go with on this one, so you'll just have to pick one.

• If you don't quit reading that magazine you're going to go blind!
• I guess these guys really do read it for the articles!
• Did you hear the set of juggs on Miss October?
• Wow, even when read by a woman, that interview with Lorne Michaels is really boring.
• Our Unabashed Dictionary lists "Braille porn" as 'bumping your rocks off.'

Oh well:

Each week, for an hour, Hanks snuggles close to a microphone in a tiny soundproof closet, reading — and describing in great detail — portions of the latest Playboy issue for the blind.

"I don't have to try to read it sexy," laughs Hanks, one of about 200 volunteers at Houston-based Taping For The Blind, Inc. "I just read it, and I'm a woman, and that's pretty much sexy."

Hanks, a tall, blonde California native whose regular job is reading the news for a classic rock station in Houston, declined to disclose her age, but said she once "chickened out" of an offer to pose for Playboy for a feature on women in radio.

Well god bless 'em for showing up. Then there's this:

Hanks examines in great detail the magazine's trademark monthly centerfold subject. The picture becomes clear.

She is a "Latina, brunette with dark chocolate brown eyes. She has long curly brown hair. ... She is in the first photo sitting in the ocean.

"She has a very large grin on her face, pink lipstick. She has a small tattoo right over the small of her back over the dimple area that appears to be maybe some sort of tribal design. It is red. ... Her legs are kind of crossed. She is sitting in the water.

"Behind her shoulder, down past her arm, you can see her breast peeking out. ... There are no tan lines at all. She is not wearing any nail polish or jewelry or bathing suit or anything."

Asked later why she mentions nail polish, she replied: "Sometimes it's all they have on."

Ha! Still, I think it's funnier when SNL did this with Moses almost 20 years ago:

Posted 9/08/2010 07:50:00 PM by Douglas

What a pisser. No more light bulbs.

The last major GE factory making ordinary incandescent light bulbs in the United States is closing this month, marking a small, sad exit for a product and company that can trace their roots to Thomas Alva Edison's innovations in the 1870s.

During the recession, political and business leaders have held out the promise that American advances, particularly in green technology, might stem the decades-long decline in U.S. manufacturing jobs. But as the lighting industry shows, even when the government pushes companies toward environmental innovations and Americans come up with them, the manufacture of the next generation technology can still end up overseas.

What made the plant here vulnerable is, in part, a 2007 energy conservation measure passed by Congress that set standards essentially banning ordinary incandescents by 2014. The law will force millions of American households to switch to more efficient bulbs.

More jobs are going to China, while the fed dictates that everyone's home looks like this:

Posted 9/06/2010 05:51:00 PM by Douglas

Hey, guess what, Pravda? We don't need you to point out that our country is rotting. We can do that just find by ourselves.

Posted 9/06/2010 05:48:00 PM by Douglas

New racetrack in Texas, and it's in Austin! Who'd a thunk it?

The organizers of the United States Grand Prix have unveiled the design of the all-new track in Austin, Texas. The Formula 1 circuit will host the USGP beginning in 2012 and is scheduled to continue until 2021.

The new purpose-built race course is 3.4 miles long with more than 20 turns winding through a 900-acre site about 5 miles south of the Austin airport. The facility will also include all the usual Formula 1 amenities like grandstands, natural seating along sections of the course, media center, and of course a state-of-the-art paddock and, we’re guessing, luxury boxes for those who want to avoid the Texas heat.

F1 Racing in America, and it's in Texas! Let's go!

Posted 9/04/2010 11:55:00 AM by Douglas

I've long held the belief that TV weather's only job is to scare old people, but this article pretty much confirms it:

In May, before the current Atlantic hurricane season began, forecasts were for Armageddon. This year’s hurricane season could be “very active” (Jane Lubchenco, head of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration) or “very very active” (CNN) or “a hell of a year” with “quite high” numbers of intense storms (William Gray, head of the hurricane prediction center at Colorado State University).

What has actually happened so far? A below-average season of two hurricanes, neither one intense.

What’s going on here? Wasn’t global warming supposed to spawn ultra-monster hurricanes? That’s what Al Gore started claiming five years ago. Similar assertions have been heard from other quarters, too.

Well, duh. But the breakdown pretty much sums up what I've been thinking all along.

• The media loves predictions of deadly hurricanes
• The media loves hurricanes, period
• Predictions are worthless
• Predictions get attention anyway
• The sillier the prediction, the better
• Hurricanes have been awful long before artificial global warming
• Hurricanes don’t show any pattern clearly linked to greenhouse gases
• But you should still worry

Always, never forget to panic.

Posted 9/02/2010 05:44:00 PM by Douglas

Happy September 2nd, 2010, or as they call it in Beverly Hills, 90210.