Posted 2/28/2005 05:19:00 PM by Douglas

The Agitator has a modest proposal. How I wish everyone would read it. How I wish 10% of those that read it would recognize it as ironic satire (though I love the Swiftian title.)

Given the nationwide success of public smoking bans, I submit that we should return to alcohol prohibition.

Here's why:

And while I agree with his point wholeheartedly, here's were I disagree with his delivery. Why would anyone say "hey, look at the stupid laws against smoking. . . drinking is even more stupid." It doesn't provide any evidence to relax the smoking laws. It only provides ammunition to strengthen the neoprohibitionist movement against alcohol, not the other way around.

People with common sense don't write public policy, so instead of proving an absurd point, you've just given them some really good ideas. Some that they haven't thought of.

Yet.

Posted 2/28/2005 05:18:00 PM by Douglas

Note to self: Don't rob a bar at 5 a.m. if the bar has an alarm and the owner lives next door.

A man was shot to death early today in a confrontation with the owner of a north Harris County bar responding to a burglar alarm, sheriff's detectives said.

The incident occurred at 5 a.m. when an alarm sounded at the Circle M Bar and Grill in the 15900 block of Telge near Louetta. Deputies arrived to find Miller shot in the parking lot and the bar owner armed with a pistol.

The bar owner told detectives he had responded to the alarm at his business, which is located just west of his home. He grabbed a handgun and encountered Miller coming out of the bar after it was burglarized. The two men had a confrontation in the parking lot, and the bar owner shot at Miller several times, hitting him once, detectives said.

I'm sure we're going to find out, but there's a chance that the guy shot didn't have anything to do with the robbery. But somehow I doubt it.

Posted 2/28/2005 05:12:00 PM by Douglas

Whenever Senators Clinton and Boxer get together, you know it's going to be good, right? Not always.

To encourage more citizens to exercise their right to vote, the Count Every Vote Act designates Election Day a federal holiday and requires early voting in each state. The bill also enacts "no-excuse" absentee balloting, enacts fair and uniform voter registration and identification, and requires states to allow citizens to register to vote on Election Day.

Does there need to be some uniformity in our nation's voting practices? Absolutely. Does this make any sense? No. Registering on the day of the election? Holy crap! I can't imagine anything that could possibly go wrong with that! I'm sure no one would register and/or vote twice, would they?

How 'bout some accountability to those making promises during the election?

The Count Every Vote Act also includes measures to protect voters from deceptive practices and conflicts of interest that harm voter trust in the integrity of the system.

Ok, sounds good. Who would argue with that? I'm all for some integrity in the system, but I don't think this is the place to start.

The bill also makes it a federal crime to commit deceptive practices, such as sending flyers into minority neighborhoods telling voters the wrong voting date, and makes these practices a felony punishable by up to a year of imprisonment.

It's a shame that both parties try to get the other's voters to stay home, but this is ridiculous. How about some integrity and accountability with the friggin' candidates? Is there going to be any felony imprisonments for the lying candidates when they "harm voter trust in the integrity of the system?" Of course not. It's pretty much all they do.

Posted 2/28/2005 05:02:00 PM by Douglas

And now, for completely no reason, here are the first 1,000 prime numbers. There's gonna be a test later.

Posted 2/27/2005 10:51:00 PM by Douglas

So it's all over now, and as usual, it's rigged. I had no idea when I woke up this afternoon that I was going to be blogging the Oscars, and as you can tell by my four entries, I didn't put much effort into it. But, I'd be remiss if I didn't thank a few people. First off, I'd like to thank Dell for my amazing computer that I'm closing up with tonight. Then there's Compaq, who supplied my most incredible laptop. And how could I forget Verizon, who provided me with reliable yet reasonably priced DSL service. And of course, how could I forget, the Miller Brewing Company? Without them, none of this would be possible. Also, I'd like to thank Harvey Weinstein for some reason.

For some real-time Oscar bloggy goodness, scoot over to Althouse. She sums it up like a pro.

Posted 2/27/2005 10:01:00 PM by Douglas

Whatever the award, it's always sad when the recipient gets played off the stage by the orchestra. Either the person isn't important enough to use so much time, or the important person used too much damn time that they've got to get them to shut the hell up. Whatever the case, there should be a second subset of instructions for the orchestra.

If the recipient, such as Hillary Swank accepting her award for best actress, gets so far down her list that she mentions her friggin' lawyers, then the orchestra should play her off the stage immediately.

Posted 2/27/2005 08:03:00 PM by Douglas

Best Make-up Oscar just went to someone that no one cares about. Maybe that's why they gave it away in the aisle. They must be really be proud. "Hey I got an Oscar. . . . in the aisle. At least it wasn't one of those dork awards that don't even make it to the real show."

Posted 2/27/2005 07:54:00 PM by Douglas

If Renee Zellweger and Clint Eastwood had a child, would it be born with no eyesockets?

Posted 2/27/2005 07:12:00 PM by Douglas

Best pre-show moment: When the soulless thug in the tux asked Orlando Bloom, "so, you've done some serious acting before you started making movies."

Ha! I thought these knuckle draggers were supposed to try and help obfuscate the pointlessness of all of this? Not accentuate it.

Posted 2/27/2005 01:57:00 PM by Douglas

Sometimes a hunk of metal is just a hunk of metal.

If several scientists get their way, a 2.2-pound hunk of metal -- the international prototype of the kilogram -- may soon be out of style.

Like its six basic-units-of-measurement siblings before it -- including the meter -- the kilogram may be moving toward a new definition based on a universal constant. The kilogram has long been understood to equal the mass of its prototype.

Work has been underway for about 25 years to switch the kilogram from being defined by a physical model to corresponding instead to a constant. A paper to be released Monday proposes redefining the unit via fixing the values of one of two well-known universal constants.

Are they really that bored? It's not like the Kg was defined as a particular hunk of platinum-iridium. The gram was derived from the meter, which was also pulled out of someone's ass. The gram is the mass of a cubic centimeter of water at 4ºC. That sounds like a universal physical constant to me.

Posted 2/27/2005 01:16:00 PM by Douglas

Take down the roadblocks, cancel the APBs, Olive has been found.

Olive is home at last.

"She is very happy and snuggled up and as content as she can be," said Shelli Singleton, who owns the miniature dachshund that went missing more than 36 hours after surviving a wreck Thursday.

I wouldn't have thought it would have taken 36 hours for the dog to sober up.

Posted 2/26/2005 02:57:00 PM by Douglas

One sure-fire sign of paranoia is reading news stories and believing that they're talking directly to you. So imagine my surprise when I saw this piece in The Onion.

"Miller has made responsible consumption of alcohol for those of legal drinking age one of our primary advertising messages," Miller representative Daryl Milburn said. "We are concerned, however, that Kevin Helvinski of 21 Post St. has not been paying attention to our friendly magazine ads, TV commercials, and point-of-purchase pamphlets."

I knew this wasn't me because my name's not Kevin, and because he only "drinks three to four nights each week." What a pussy.

Posted 2/26/2005 02:51:00 PM by Douglas

Get ready folks! It's time for the Unofficial Oscars drinking game. I think I might have to call in sick on Monday.

Posted 2/26/2005 02:13:00 PM by Douglas

I think I could have come up with a better headline for this one:

Polls show most Texans back hysterical overreaction and further erosion of fourth amendment.

Has MADD gone completely mad? I don't want to give them any ideas, but if they're really that serious of keeping "drunks" off the road, why don't they just put the checkpoints outside every bar? With the legal limit ridiculously low, 0.08% is the equivalent of a 150 pound man even thinking about drinking a beer. I'd wager that 99% of people driving home from any bar are legally drunk. So why is nothing being done there?

In the Scripps Howard Texas Poll, 95 percent of those contacted said intoxicated drivers on the state's freeways are a very or somewhat serious problem — a 6 percent jump from a similar survey conducted in 1999.

The poll also showed 67 percent said state officials should pass a law authorizing police to temporarily stop traffic to search for drunken drivers and arrest them.

Texas is far from perfect (maybe slightly closer than elsewhere, though) but I'm truly frightened of its citizenry if they believe that publicly accosting everyone is the solution to a problem that's largely ignored and already scaldingly illegal, anyway.

Posted 2/26/2005 02:06:00 PM by Douglas

Man that caused hit and run accident apprehended. Dachshund remains on the run.

Officers arrested Joseph Johnny Sustaita, 24, about 6:40 a.m. Friday in an apartment at 2501 W. Sixth Ave., said Sgt. Randy TenBrink of the Amarillo Police Department.

Police identified Sustaita as the driver of a blue Isuzu that was involved in one of three wrecks after 7:30 p.m. Thursday on I-40.

Shelli Singleton, meanwhile, involved with the first accident, had not found her dog on Friday.

The dog, a female named Olive and previously named Angel, is a "dapple" miniature dachshund, last seen with a purple collar and an Animal Rescue Shelter tag. She is 8 months old and weighs 3 or 4 pounds.

Usually when dogs are involved in car wrecks, they abscond to abscond to conceal their intoxication, so I'm surprised Olive didn't turn up after she sobered up. Maybe she's got outstanding warrants.

Posted 2/24/2005 05:22:00 PM by Douglas

This is hilarious. What to do when you can't find your Christian friends.

After the rapture, there will be a lot of speculation as to why millions of people have
just disappeared. Unfortunately, after the rapture, only non believers will be left to come up with answers. You probably have family and friends that you have witnessed to and they just won't listen. After the rapture they probably will, but who will tell them?

We have written a computer program to do just that. It will send an Electronic Message (e-mail) to whomever you want after the rapture has taken place, and you and I have been taken to heaven.

How is this accomplished, you might ask. It's a dead man switch that will automatically send the emails when it is not reset.

If you wish to do something now that will help your unbelieving friends and family after the rapture, you need to add those persons email address to our database. Their names will be stored indefinitely and a letter will be sent out to each of them on the first Friday after the rapture. Then they will receive another letter every friday [sic] after that.

Sounds like a great way to get a lot of email address for some proselytizing spam. But be sure and check out the letter.

Posted 2/24/2005 05:17:00 PM by Douglas

I love the "People do stupid things" commercials, but it may turn out that vonage itself may be one of the stupid things people do. Just ask Sosamma John:

John and his wife, Sosamma, were attacked by two men at their southwest Houston home earlier this month. As they struggled with the intruders, John was shot in the right thigh and torso. His wife was wounded in the left thigh.

But when their 17-year-old daughter Joyce, who was in the house at the time, tried 911, the call would not go through.

The attackers fled, leaving a shaken John wondering whether to reconsider his money-saving phone plan.

Looks like VoIP is soon going to include a 911 emergency charge.

Posted 2/24/2005 05:13:00 PM by Douglas

The rodeo is off to an electrifying start.

A trail ride official struck by lightning during this morning's severe weather is expected to recover fully.

Yance Montalbano, 40, chairman of the Trail Ride Committee, was struck as he and other officials prepared to meet trail riders at Memorial Park just before 8 a.m.

Witnesses told officials Montalbano was holding a raised umbrella when he was struck, and did not seem to be badly injured. He was taken to an area hospital to be checked and is expected to be released later today.

Things to do when you get struck by lightening and survive: Buy a lottery ticket. Immediately. The odds are in your favor, dude.

Posted 2/24/2005 05:03:00 PM by Douglas

Eerie story, and even creepier photos from the tsunami.

Photographs from the camera of a Canadian couple killed in Asia's tsunami include their final shots of a huge wave as it rushed toward them at their beach resort in Thailand.

John and Jackie Knill of North Vancouver, frequent visitors to the popular Thai resort, Khao Lak, were apparently on the beach when the tsunami hit December 26.

Not exactly the fame they expected from their vacation photos, but it's the this one is the most dramatic one I've seen of the wave itself:

Posted 2/23/2005 05:28:00 PM by Douglas

This damn helicopter deal just isn't going to go away. After securing a $6.1 Billion dollar contract for Marine One, Bell Helicopters in Amarillo is going to receive another $10 Million from the Amarillo Economic Development Corporation for "plant expansions." What the hell is that, and why do they need a $10 Million dollar handout to do it?

The Amarillo City Commission on Tuesday approved $10 million in Amarillo Economic Development Corp. funding for a Bell Helicopter Textron expansion project.

With the funding, Bell Helicopter will construct a 98,000-square-foot flight hangar for functional and flight tests of H-1 and V-22 aircraft.

"It's very exciting," Mayor Trent Sisemore said of Bell's activity.

Exciting? Hardly the word I'd use for it, but then again I'm not an elected official that's spending other people's money.

A three-wheeled Yugo has a better reputation of dependability than the AEDC does when it comes to dishing out other people's money.

Posted 2/23/2005 05:27:00 PM by Douglas

Some interesting if unverifiable historical tidbits. Sometimes, in my weaker moments, I miss spam. Then I'm glad that I've pissed off everyone that ever sent me stuff like this.

Posted 2/23/2005 05:12:00 PM by Douglas

I remember back in the day when Lileks kept bitching about his bandwidth over usage, and that was before his popularity exploded. So what does he do next? His old radio show, available to download. I'm going to have to agree with this guy. I think James fell on his head.

Now it appears that James Lileks has suffered a severe blow to the head, though much later in life: "I think I might return to radio.”

I can't imagine that a guy that writes umpteen columns a week has time for such, but hey, you gotta dance with who brung you. As far as its success, this says it all:

This could be worse than when Dylan went electric.

After hearing the first 16 minutes of it, I couldn't agree more.

Posted 2/23/2005 05:05:00 PM by Douglas

Jon Stewart has a way to make just about everything sound funny, and while I could care less about the torrid life of Paris Hilton, his spin made me laugh:

Paris Hilton got her blackberry hacked.

Sounds painful.

Posted 2/22/2005 05:27:00 PM by Douglas

The latest plan from our Border Patrol to try to stem the tide of illegal aliens? Rounding up the posse

Nearly 500 volunteers have already joined the Minuteman Project, anointing themselves civilian border patrol agents determined to stop the immigration flow that routinely, and easily, seeps past federal authorities. They plan to patrol a 40-mile stretch of the southeast Arizona border throughout April when the tide of immigrants crossing the U.S.-Mexico border peaks.

Officials fear the Minuteman patrols could cause more trouble than they prevent. At least some of the volunteers plan to arm themselves during the 24-hour desert patrols. Many are untrained and have little or no experience in confronting illegal border crossings.

Is this really the answer? For generations, both political parties have looked the other way while the southern border was hemorrhaging illegal aliens, so is arming a bunch of hot-heads really a prudent thing to do at this point? Hell, the Mexican government has published their own comic book about how to make your illegal trek into the United States as successful as possible. Has everyone just given up? Here's the best quote to sum up the current state of our southern border:

"Things are out of control" he said. "And they've been out of control for decades."

"Out of control" is only applicable if you're looking for an English radio station in Texas.

Posted 2/22/2005 05:22:00 PM by Douglas

If I could, for a moment, speak to the person that found this corner of the Internets by searching Yahoo for "can a man have a horses penis transplanted on him," I have a few comments.

Dude, you really have the wrong website. I'm totally embarrassed (if not completely surprised) that you found this by that search, but geez. You are obviously looking for something rather specialized. Possibly even medically urgent. Who knows. But boy are you barking up the wrong tree here.

Posted 2/22/2005 05:20:00 PM by Douglas

This is way too big to be my cat's brain.

And where's the section for knocking over the trash and eating raw chicken skin and licking tuna cans?

Posted 2/22/2005 05:15:00 PM by Douglas

Long-time readers will know I'm no fan of radio, Internet or otherwise, so it was with a bit of trepidation that I embarked on bootliquor.com. And at first, I was pretty impressed with it. Hell, I had no idea that Cracker put out an EP of country covers, and I'll say they do a pretty good job with Dwight and Bocephus covers. But. If I hear this song one more freakin' time, I think I'm going to split my skull:

Lucinda Williams And David Crosby - Return Of The Grievous Angel

I don't know what it is about it. I know any radio is going to repeat stuff, but I find it odd that that particular song is so heavy in the cycle. I've heard it everytime I've had bootliquor on for more than ten minutes, so when I punched it up this afternoon, I searched the "Past 50 songs" to see if it was there. It wasn't. Sure enough, in about 15 minutes, here comes Lucinda and David.

Ya know, both of those people have quite an amazing catalog of work. . . maybe it's time to put that one out to pasture.

Posted 2/22/2005 05:10:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like the "oil from turkey guts" story has resurfaced again. I first heard about it almost two years ago, and according to this follow up article in Discover, I'm not the only one that's a wee bit skeptical about the process. Even if it's successful, it's not the answer to the world's energy problems. But it's going to do a lot to solve the world's turkey gut problem.

Posted 2/22/2005 05:09:00 PM by Douglas

War with Iran? of course not. That would be ridiculous

"This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. Having said that, all options are on the table," Bush said.

What the fudge? Of course one of those options on the table is attacking Iran. It's just good to have your bases covered.

Posted 2/21/2005 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

Modern art that doesn't cost $21 million dollars to pull off. And this one involves kitties! Click "about" for some important statistics.

Posted 2/21/2005 05:06:00 PM by Douglas

"Hey dude, where did that huge tire come from? The one that's been sitting in your front yard for the past six months?"

The Space Shuttle.

And yes, to anyone interested, I will be bidding on a lot for four tires off the Orbiter, but I haven't decided which mission. Also, I've yet to determine how I'm going to get them from KSC (road trip, anyone?), or how I'm going to break it to my wife that I now own four aircraft tires that have flown in space.

Also, that pdf file states that the acquisition price per tire is $231 each. $231 for an aircraft tire that's rated for the Orbiter? Why is it that I don't believe that? I've paid close to that for tires for my stupid car, and I can't get anywhere near 300 PSI in 'em.

Posted 2/21/2005 05:00:00 PM by Douglas

Does anyone care that Bush may have done some illegal drugs back in his wild days? It was obvious that he didn't want to talk about his life before he was "born again" and the people that wanted to vote for him seemed to be fine with that. Twice. So when you show up with a tape like this, it tends to make the exposer come across like a douche bag.

"I don't want any kid doing what I tried to do 30 years ago," Bush said in recordings made when he was governor of Texas and aired Monday on ABC's "Good Morning America." "And I mean that. It doesn't matter if it's LSD, cocaine, pot, any of those things, because if I answer one, then there will be another one. And I just am not going to answer those questions. And it may cost me the election."

Yawn. Who cares? There's so much other things this man is doing right now that are worthy of attention, this angle is only slightly less boring and pointless than his national guard dismissal. Can we raise the level of discourse to something that might actually fucking matter?

Posted 2/21/2005 04:55:00 PM by Douglas

I finally dug out the link to what our Texas legislators are doing in Austin. Honestly, it's amazing that they don't do more damage than they do. Check out today's listing for this little gem, HR 453, Happy Birtdhay to Dan Flynn, all around nice guy.

Someone voted for these ass-clowns.

Posted 2/21/2005 04:50:00 PM by Douglas

So Patty came out of the closet last night on The Simpson's. This was about as exciting as if Smithers had come out of the closet, but that doesn't mean pointy heads on both sides of the aisle aren't going to pontificate about it for months to come. Let the pontification begin.

But when a show as mainstream and popular as this takes on one of the most divisive issues in American society, it is certain to attract attention. Bookmakers in the United States and England were taking bets as to which character would be revealed as homosexual, and whether there would be a kiss - a nod, perhaps, to the popular programming gimmick of having lesbian characters lock lips during sweeps periods like the current one.

But mostly, television experts, fans and advocates for gay marriage ruminated over the larger significance of the moment.

As Patty herself said last night, "it was so obvious, you could see it from space." I think the larger issue would be why is the show now turning to hot-button political topics as opposed to just being funny. Sure, they're funny when they're political, too, but never before has such a devicive issue been the key plot topic of an entire episode. Because that's just not funny, but then again, it's obvious that the show stopped trying to be funny several years ago.

Posted 2/20/2005 05:24:00 PM by Douglas

Here's an interesting picture of oxymorons. [via Wayne] My favourites:

• MicroSoft Works
• Girlfriend
• White Gold
• Liberal, Kansas
• Chaos theory

Posted 2/20/2005 05:22:00 PM by Douglas

And all this time, I thought the bathroom at work was always full because engineers are more typically male. But now I find out that the guys in there are in there trying to fire one off.

If you find yourself in a situation of jeopardy, either after work or at a convention, or wherever, and things are heating up and you're really lusting, go to the bathroom and splash cold water on your face, and remind yourself that you're on the verge of potentially ruining your personal life AND your professional life. It won't help. The call of new sex is too strong. So go in a stall and masturbate. Relieve the sexual tension. Get it all out. This will buy you about a half hour of sanity -- when there's opportunity for new fresh sex, our refractory period (the interval between erections) is at its briefest -- so use this tiny window of opportunity to get the hell out of dodge.

Did I miss a memo or something? Are men some form of sentient ape that lack the ability to control their sexual impulses? Any time a saucy tart stirs our eyes, we've got to run to the lavatory to hand-crank the one-eyed yogurt-thrower to avoid dry-humping the copier? I don't think so.

At least not in my office.

Posted 2/20/2005 05:15:00 PM by Douglas

80,000 in ten years? That's a lot of pussy.

The Nip Their Love in the Bud male cat neuter campaign begins Valentines Day, February 14th and continues through March 17th.

Veterinarians in the tri-county area are making a difference in our community by helping to reduce cat overpopulation with this low-cost male cat neuter program. Caretakers can get their male cat neutered for only $20 (additional costs and restrictions may apply at individual clinics) at a participating veterinarian clinic.

First off, anyone that has ever seen two cats "goin' at it" would never refer to it as "their love." It's slightly less violent than when ducks go at it, and that's only because they're not in water and can't try to drown each other.

But why are they only castrating male gatos? Last time I checked, there were two genders responsible for unwanted kittens, and the male of the species is only tagententially involved, if that, in their production of offspring.

Posted 2/20/2005 05:11:00 PM by Douglas

"Why is this place called Sugarland, anyway?" Pretty sure no one will know in a few years.

The sprawling Imperial Sugar plant complex is being sold to developers planning a project mixing condominiums, single-family homes and retail space.

For decades, the complex was the economic heart of the Houston suburb of Sugar Land. Then in 2003, Imperial Sugar shuttered the packaging and distribution plant, leaving only its corporate offices in the city that took its name from the company.

Imperial Sugar announced on Friday it reached a preliminary agreement with a partnership of Cherokee Investment Partners and W.C. Perry Land Development to buy the 160-acre Fort Bend County property.

As long as they don't change the name to DeLayland. Hell, maybe they should. Those idiots keep voting for him.

Posted 2/20/2005 05:06:00 PM by Douglas

That's just great. As if I didn't have enough to worry about, now I've got to be worried about crazed, drugged out Mexican assassins in North Texas, too.

At least three drug-related slayings in North Texas are being blamed on a team of rogue Mexican commandos accused of orchestrating dozens of murders along the U.S.-Mexico border, raising fears that the drug war is moving north.

Dallas and federal officials say eight to 10 Zetas -- former members of the Mexican army who defected to Mexico's Gulf drug cartel in the late 1990s -- have been operating in North Texas since 2003, The Dallas Morning News reported today.

The Zetas are accused of fatally shooting 26-year-old Christian Alejandro Meza in December. Authorities also believe they were involved in the deaths of Mathew Frank Geisler and Brandon Gallegos, both 19 and from Laredo, whose bodies were found in a burning sport utility vehicle in September. Both had been shot.

Legalize it, morons. Then we can tax the crap out of it and put this silliness behind us.

Posted 2/17/2005 05:34:00 PM by Douglas

As a self-confessed blogger, I'm getting quite sick of this "Main-Stream Media/Blogger" crap. On the heels of my earlier post comes Peggy Noonan, canonized sycophant for the Bush Administration, and obvious stalwart for all things Republican. It's shit like this that make me tired. Tired because she has all the insight and clairvoyance of a buggy-whip manufacturer circa 1914. Are newspapers going to go away? No. Are idiot baby-boomers like you going to lose your job? Sure. Do blogs force you to read them, as being the only print media in a particular outlet, like newspapers do? No. Can you click the next link while you're on-line quicker than Peggy Noonan can run to her editor to beg for another extension? Sure. Are you as sick to death of this "question and answer" format as I am? Probably. Here's the meat:

They use the tools of journalists (computer, keyboard, a spirit of inquiry, a willingness to ask the question) and of the Internet (Google, LexisNexis) to look for and find facts that have been overlooked, ignored or hidden. They look for the telling quote, the ignored statistic, the data that have been submerged. What they are looking for is information that is true. When they get it they post it and include it in the debate. This is a public service.

Well here's the deal, Peggy. LexisNexis and of course Google are available to everyone. I know you hold some sort of esteemed credentials of the fourth estate as "A Journalist" but here's a news flash. You report what other people accomplish. You don't need a degree from Harvard to do that, and obviously the web is teaching you that there's someone in Des Moines that's doing it a hell of a lot cheaper than you are.

And they fact check. Sometimes.

Posted 2/17/2005 05:21:00 PM by Douglas

After watching The Daily Show's take on the fake GOP plant in the White House Press corps, I couldn't resist banging on these already overused links. Here's The New York Times take on the subject, and if you really want to go to the source that broke the story, go here [NSFW]. Why is that link Not Safe For Work? Because this fake journalist that sat in on White House press conferences was also involved in some gay porn.

Gotta love the GOP. I guess since they've totally blown (poor word choice?) any chance of retaining any fiscal conservatisim, they're trying to alienate all of their voter base by fielding softball (again, poor word choice) questions from a gay prostitute.

Republicans. They're the party that knows now to party. Sort of.(Democrats are as equally as stupid. They're just not driving right now.)

Posted 2/17/2005 05:16:00 PM by Douglas

Puerto Rico: The tax exempt Caribbean paradise of tropical fruits, island rhythms, and boner pills.

Puerto Rico's currency is the US dollar; its citizens are entitled to US passports, but they do not pay most federal taxes. Thanks to long and historic ties to cities like New York, many are bilingual and feel as assimilated as they want to be with the US mainland.

Barceloneta is a coastal town of just over 20,000 residents - about 40 minutes drive west of the capital San Juan. Twenty years ago it was best known for the juiciness of its pineapples, but now it is a pharmaceutical hub, and home to America's only factory making Viagra - Pfizer's impotence drug.

This place is sounding better and better. Tax-free is good enough, but the prospect of Viagra effluent in the drinking water. . that's got to be one happy island. How could you argue with this:

"With Viagra and tequila, grandma is happy," reads a restaurant slogan"

That's just wrong.

Posted 2/17/2005 05:13:00 PM by Douglas

Why does Blogspot suck so hard lately? I've been in stuck screens for what seems like forever. Is it just me?

Posted 2/17/2005 05:00:00 PM by Douglas

A long-time reader has been suggesting Boot Liquor to me for quite some time, and I finally gave it a spin today. I must say, I'm quite impressed with their playlist: Dave Alvin, Johnny Cash, Whiskeytown, Hank Williams, Robert Earl Keen and of course, no drinkin' themed radio would be complete without the late, great Townes Van Zandt.

I'm only slightly more impressed with internet radio than I am with normal radio, which I absolutely abhor. But Boot Liquor plays stuff you're not going to hear anywhere else. Probably for good reason.

Howdy! You probably want to know a little more about the Boot Liquor format (formally part of SomaFM). It's Americana, Country, Rock, Swing and Blues with an emphasis on tunes about booze, bad behavior, fighting, and other such classy subjects. Dave Alvin, Tom Waits, Red Meat, Robert Earl Keen, and a truckload of both known and lesser known artists all adding their particular stench to the playlist.

I like to think of it as country music for people who hate country music.

Sign me up!

Posted 2/15/2005 05:50:00 PM by Douglas

There's always Valentine's Day next year:



[via Dullard]

Posted 2/15/2005 05:18:00 PM by Douglas

Celebrities: Is there anything they can't do? Apparently, going bat-shit crazy isn't one of them. Enter Jenna Elfman:

"I intend to make Scientology as accessible to as many people as I can. And that is my goal," Elfman said. To do this, she says, it is my “duty to clear the planet.” By “clearing” she means to rid the world of “body thetans” — aliens who Scientologists believe inhabit the earth from a nuclear explosion 75 million years ago. She continued that “the more successful I became, the more suppression I bumped into … especially in the entertainment industry, which really is home to rabid suppression.”

Aren't the Scientologists trying to shed their image of being as crazy as poo-flinging monkeys? Does anyone remember Battlefield Earth? They don't think it's fiction.

Posted 2/15/2005 05:12:00 PM by Douglas

Ya heard it here first, kids. Flu shots are worthless.

Led by National Institutes of Health researchers, the study challenges standard government dogma and is bound to confuse senior citizens. During last fall's flu vaccine shortage, thousands of older Americans, heeding the government's public health message, stood in long lines to get their shots.

"There is a sense that we're all going to die if we don't get the flu shot," said the study's lead author, Lone Simonsen, a senior epidemiologist at the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases in Bethesda, Md. "Maybe that's a little much."

Stand in line for your inoculation. Your ear tag will be fitted momentarily.

Posted 2/15/2005 05:07:00 PM by Douglas

What happens when the government's "per gallon" tax on fuel is hard-hit by people buying high efficiency vehicles? They want to start taxing by the mile, of course.

And that saves him almost $300 a month in gas. It's great for Just but bad for the roads he's driving on, because he also pays a lot less in gasoline taxes which fund highway projects and road repairs. As more and more hybrids hit the road, cash-strapped states are warning of rough roads ahead.

Officials in car-clogged California are so worried they may be considering a replacement for the gas tax altogether, replacing it with something called "tax by the mile."

I guess it was a matter of time. They're going to get their money, one way or the other. I wonder if this phenomenon has occurred to those trying to tax the crap out of cigarettes? What will happen when there's no tax income to the state from cigarettes because all smokers have died or switched to something cheaper? Like crack, or Faberge eggs?

Posted 2/15/2005 05:03:00 PM by Douglas

I knew it! There had to be more to that "laser pointed at airplane" story than meets the eye. Turns out, it was gay club goers.

Investigators are blaming the latest in a series of airline laser incidents on more gay club-goers. After the captain of an American Airlines jet reported that a laser beam had penetrated his cockpit as the plane prepared to land at Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport, investigators fanned out to gay nightclubs throughout the area.

Look out, gay dudes! You might be the next addition to the "Pole of Evil" (kinda like the "Axis of Evil", but with more lube). You've already taken over Houston.

Posted 2/14/2005 05:39:00 PM by Douglas

Here's a news flash! No one is watching the grammys.

After two years on an upswing, Grammy ratings sunk to their lowest level since 1995, according to Nielsen Media Research. It may be an ominous sign for the granddaddy of awards shows, the Academy Awards, Feb. 27 on ABC.

To find out why no one watches the grammys, I'd recommend a nice healthy dose of actually watching the grammys. That should explain any unanswered questions the sentient apes in the marketing department might still have.

Even worse? No one is reading this story about how no one is watching the grammys. What if they had an awards show and no one watched? Tune in next year and find out.

Posted 2/14/2005 05:23:00 PM by Douglas

Smoking: the grey cloud that binds us all together. At least it used to. What a fascinating look at smoking, and its place in the nanny-state we live in now.

But then I realised that something was missing: smoke. It used to unwind from the tips of our cigarettes and tie us together, then spread into a sheltering haze that made the tricky acts of flirting or making new friends a little easier. Without cigarette smoke, the people at the restaurant bar that night seemed a little too separate from each other, a little less relaxed than they might have been if the right to smoke in public places hadn't been taken away. Sharing a love of smoking used to unite us in a slightly illicit club whose members all took pleasure in doing something naughty; and now that our wings are clipped, a part of that camaraderie feels like it's lost forever.

You could probably make a case for the explosion of the cinema in the 20th century as being responsible for the exponential growth of tobacco smoking, and its associated cancer, emphysema, and heart disease deaths, but it's so much more complicated than that. Even if everyone were smoking, it still made it seem that you were tempting your fate. Sure it's bad for you (as my grandfather once said, "they called 'em coffin nails 100 years ago"), but that didn't matter. Smoking gave you an instant rapport with anyone with that bummed a smoke, a light, or that was winded after walking up a single flight of stairs.

I especially enjoy the tie in with the "Puritanism" that's going on everyone now. Smoking was first, fast food and alcohol are soon to follow. Will it ever end?

While none of these is alarming in itself, they add up to a new Puritanism that turns the old paradigm on its head: now instead of tempting the Fates by being bad, we put all our efforts into being good. If smoking was about being grown up, the new Puritanism is about being a perpetual child, and living in a protected world that has never existed except in fantasy.

I couldn't have said it better. The "Nanny State" is out there looking out for everyone, because like a petulant child, we're all incapable of taking care of ourselves. Hell, you might get a burger and a six-pack on your way home. And where would that lead?

What concerns me is the picture of who we perceive ourselves to be: self-involved children pretending that we can escape death by playing God the Doctor and Personal Trainer. Though smoking may not have been good for us, the camaraderie that went along with it made this journey more fascinating, and its end perhaps more bearable.

Damn right. Dennis Leary said it best when he noted:

Cigarettes take seven years off your life. Well guess what folks, they're the years at the end! The kidney dialysis/adult diaper years. Ya know what? You can have 'em, 'cause I don't want 'em.

I don't know what my alternate reality would have been like if I was a non-smoker in college, but I do know that the most interesting people I've ever met, and those I still talk to on a regular basis are people I met while smoking.

Posted 2/14/2005 05:12:00 PM by Douglas

Speaking of low rated awards shows and their own self-generated hype

Internet gossip columnist Matt Drudge posted an item on his Web site over the weekend quoting unnamed members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences expressing outrage at some Oscar-bashing comments by Rock in an Entertainment Weekly interview. Rock said he had rarely watched the Oscars, and called award shows "idiotic."

"Come on, it's a fashion show," Rock told the magazine. "What straight black man sits there and watches the Oscars? Show me one. And they don't recognize comedy, and you don't see a lot of black people nominated, so why should I watch it?"

Why should anyone watch it? Why does People magazine exist? Not to mention Teen People, People en Español, Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Inside Edition and Entertainment Weekly, just to name a few. Obviously, as a culture, we're as dumb as a box of rocks, and we're far too concerned with the best supporting actress oscar than we are selecting, oh, I don't, know, a presidential election.

Posted 2/13/2005 07:33:00 PM by Douglas

And now, because I'm getting tired of the lack of blog-worthy stuff out there, here's a picture of Kashka in her natural habitat: Unconscious.

Posted 2/13/2005 09:21:00 AM by Douglas

For some reason, I like this one. Even if I have no idea who Charles VI was.

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

Posted 2/13/2005 07:59:00 AM by Douglas

I'm not the first to salute Henry Earl but at least he's getting the recognition a lifetime of drinking deserves.

Posted 2/11/2005 05:31:00 PM by Douglas

The eternal struggle of people complaining about their taxes. The people are fed up and can't pay any more at the same time the government says they can't get by with one penny less. What I find interesting in this story is that they're not fighting about how high they are, but rather how much they can raise them every year.

City and county officials from across Texas told state lawmakers Thursday that a low cap on property tax appraisals would devastate local services, but cap supporters said appraisal increases are a "stealth" tax on homeowners.

The House Ways and Means Committee was not considering any specific legislation during its hearing, but Gov. Rick Perry has asked the Legislature to adopt a 3 percent a year cap on the taxable value of a homeowner's appraisal increase. The state currently has a 10 percent cap.

Slow down, 'cause I think I missed something. What the hell is going on with city and county spending that a 3% a year cap on property tax increases would devastate local services? It's pretty obvious cities and counties go through money pretty inefficiently, but how would limiting the increase be so horrible?

When an entity has the ability to take your money and/or throw you in jail, they're never going to have enough. But it's good to know there's a genius like Bob Day on the case. Run the numbers for me, Bob:

Day said it would take the taxes from four homes valued at $100,000 to make up for the loss revenues on a single home valued at $400,000.

Hold on, lemme get my calculator out.

Yep, his story checks out.

Moron.

Posted 2/11/2005 05:10:00 PM by Douglas

Why the War on Drugs is a war of attrition, and why it will ultimately fail. People are willing to do this, and these are available to anyone with 50 bucks.

Actor Tom Sizemore has been jailed for violating his probation by failing a drug test after he was caught trying to use a prosthetic penis to fake the results, a Los Angeles County prosecutor said on Friday.

The actor is required to undergo random drug tests as a condition of probation for his convictions on separate charges of methamphetamine possession and beating his ex-girlfriend, former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss.

During Thursday's proceedings, prosecutors told Judge Baretto that Sizemore failed three drug tests in three days, the first after he was caught using a fake penis sewn into his boxer shorts and filled with a clean urine sample kept warm by a heating pack.

Poor Tom. Can't a guy just have a successful movie career, a meth habit, and an abusive relationship with a high profile Hollywood Madame in peace?

Posted 2/10/2005 05:51:00 PM by Douglas

Let's say, for whatever reason, you're in the market for a giant SUV. Maybe you need it to pull up tree stumps, or maybe you need it because your health plan doesn't cover Enzyte. Or maybe you're just tired of all those carbon bonds in that crude oil sitting around gettin' cocky, and you want to do something to contribute to the eventual heat death of the universe. Whatever your reason, if you're shopping around for a really big SUV, you need to start with something that makes the H2 look like a Tonka. Something like this.

So you want a monster pickup, something that towers over SUVs and the Hummer H2 -- something that lets you see eye-to-eye with the driver of an 18-wheeler.

But your garage won't hold a nine-foot tall pickup that began life as a cement mixer, and your paycheck can't handle the circa six-figure price tag.

Relax.

International Truck, the unit of Navistar that debuted the CXT pickup last year, unveiled its slightly smaller, cheaper sibling Thursday -- the RXT.

The RXT, due to be available this fall, is built on a platform formerly used by beverage delivery trucks and tow trucks. Both the CXT and RXT are the same 258 inches, or 21.5 feet, long, (only a couple of inches longer than Ford's F-350 Crew Cab), but the RXT is only eight feet tall.

And the RXT's price is expected to be in the $70,000 to $90,000 range, for the monster pickup shopper on a budget.

I guess the RXT is the women's version? If you're going to go with the biggest damn thing on the road you don't need a commercial license to drive, why would you want the smaller version of the biggest damn thing on the road? Go all out and treat yourself right!

Because let's face it: What's the point of buying a new SUV these days if it doesn't have vertical smoke stacks?

Posted 2/10/2005 05:14:00 PM by Douglas

Just when I thought the death by enema story couldn't get any stranger, I stand corrected.

A Lake Jackson widow denied Wednesday that she provided the alcohol that led to her husband's death from a sherry enema.

Tammy Jean Warner said her husband, Michael Warner, 58, not only had a longtime alcohol problem but had been addicted to enemas since he was a child.

And how, exactly, does that happen? I'll just hit the high points of this story as I try to pick up my jaw off my desk.

"It all started back when he was a child," Warner said. "His mother used to give him enemas all the time, and he started to depend on them all the time."

She said he paid $1,000 to study colonics at a school and corresponded with other enema users on the Internet. Not all of his enemas involved liquor, she said.

"He did coffee enemas, he did Castile soap, Ivory soap," she said. "He had enema recipes."

Now there's a cookbook I don't want to read.

"My husband told me he loved me more than anything in the world except for God," she said. "I'm not ashamed of my husband because I loved him, and I supported him 1,000 percent, whatever he wanted to do. That's the way he went out, and I'm sure that's the way he wanted to go out because he loved his enemas."

Warner said that when she woke up the morning of May 21, she had no idea her husband, who had his arm around her in bed, was dead.

Waking up with your spouse's dead arm laying on you is creepy enough. Add on top of that the alcohol poisoning and the tube hanging out of his ass, and you've got the makings of the nastiest Lifetime movie ever to spew forth from some Hollywood hack's Powerbook.

Labels: Freeport Cocktail

Posted 2/10/2005 05:08:00 PM by Douglas

The University of Texas. Because sometimes, having only one Presidential Library just isn't enough.

The University of Texas System is joining the handful of institutions seeking to be the home of President Bush's presidential library.

Regents announced Thursday the creation of a committee to work on a proposal bringing the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum to one of the 15 UT campuses around the state.

It's pretty cool that UT's getting in the running for the library. But I hope they don't get it. Send his carpet-baggin' ass back to whatever New England state spawned him.

Posted 2/10/2005 05:04:00 PM by Douglas

Hakeem Olajuwon may have to change his nickname from "Hakeem the dream" to "Hakeem the supporter of terrorism both at home and abroad." Doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

Houston basketball legend Hakeem Olajuwon's mosque donated tens of thousands of dollars to Islamic organizations that the Treasury Department said later funneled money to Osama bin Laden and other terrorists.

The former Houston Rockets star and his accountant said Wednesday that the donations were given with no knowledge of any alleged links to terrorism. Federal officials said they are not investigating the former star.

I don't think anyone thinks he has any connections with terrorism, nor is he being accused of willingly supporting terrorists groups. But it's an interesting testimonial about how many times money changes hands, even when it's donated to a "charitable" organization.

They diverted a commercial flight because Cat Stevens had some donations linked with Hammas. Wonder if Hakeem will get the same treatment?

Posted 2/09/2005 05:50:00 PM by Douglas

When you live 75 miles from a nuclear power plant, this kind of thing always tends to get your attention.

Texas A reactor at the South Texas Project is being shut down after a small water leak was discovered in the coolant system.

Officials at the nuclear plant near Bay City say there's been no release of radiation and no danger to the public.

While it's still true that Ted Kennedy's car is responsible for more deaths in America than nuclear power, it's still a bit disheartening. Especially when they're still trying to figure out what to do with this place for the next 600 years.

Posted 2/09/2005 05:45:00 PM by Douglas

More on lasers and aircraft, although I realize this is old news. But he's not a dumb punk kid hanging out by the airport with a six-pack, although from all indication he is dumb.

David Banach, 38, of Parsippany, surrendered Tuesday morning on charges of interfering with the operation of a mass transit vehicle and making false statements to federal agents.

According to the complaint, Banach initially said his daughter shined the handheld laser on the helicopter on December 31.

Gotta love the "it's my daughter" defense. But just how prevalent is this problem?

The incidents happened "all over the place" and in "kind of odd places," the official said. The official would not provide specifics. None of the flights was affected as a result of the laser beams.

You'd think with all the post-9/11 hysteria, people would know better than to leave commercial aircraft alone. But I bet he's going to have plenty of time to think about it.

Posted 2/09/2005 04:29:00 PM by Douglas

I wish someone would answer this question: Why in the hell would anyone point a laser at an airplane?

An investigation is under way after an American Airlines captain reported that a laser beam hit his jet as it approached Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport.

"The captain, who actually was not flying the approach -- the first officer was flying the approach -- but the captain personally did see the laser for a second or two," Gregg Overman, a member of the Allied Pilots Association, told Dallas-Fort Worth television station KXAS on Tuesday.

I can't imagine it being that big of a deal to the pilots, but then again I can't figure out why on earth anyone would do it in the first place. What's going on here?

Posted 2/09/2005 04:29:00 PM by Douglas

I got some good news and some bad news. I was successful in lacing a box of candy with some 'shrooms. The bad news is the cops got 'em.

The "candies" in the bag tested positive for psilocybin, a popular psychedelic drug known as "mushrooms." The psuedo-Valentine's Day chocolate had a estimated value of $408,240.

Troopers found the drug-laced candies after stopping a 2005 Toyota Corolla, driven by Craig Allen Moreland, 30, of San Francisco, three miles west of Amarillo, according a DPS news release.

The question is how did the DPS Trooper find them in the candy?

Posted 2/09/2005 04:29:00 PM by Douglas

Example 847 of governments revealing their infectivity by wasting everyone's time. This time it's not in Texas, though. Turn out Virginia is trying to protect its citizens from the horrors of bad fashion.

The state's House of Delegates passed a bill Tuesday authorizing a $50 fine for anyone who displays his or her underpants in a "lewd or indecent manner."

Apparently the Virginia legislature is as bored as Texas'.

First in line to protest this new law in Virginia? Plumbers. They claim it substantially inhibits their ability to do their jobs.

Posted 2/09/2005 04:29:00 PM by Douglas

Boy did I pick the wrong time to buy pillow futures.

Perhaps this will soften the blow of American Airlines removing its pillows from most domestic flights next week: The blankets will still be there.

The Fort Worth-based carrier said Wednesday that pillows will be removed from most flights beginning next Tuesday in a cost-cutting move expected to save another $370,000.

Where the hell were they getting pillows that cost dang near half a million bucks?

Posted 2/09/2005 04:27:00 PM by Douglas

A Neo-Jacobin at National Review that hasn't totally lost his mind.

There is something I want to say to my NR/NRO colleagues. Also, come to think of it, to the president of the United States and his Cabinet.

Have you all taken leave of your senses?

< snip >

I am — just bite down hard and say it, man — with Senator Edward Kennedy on this. I want U.S. forces to leave Iraq ASAP.

Ok, so I cut out a lot of that to get to the point, but the simple fact that it's being printed in a rag like National Review has got to be a step in the right direction. Even if it's coming from this guy.

Posted 2/09/2005 04:26:00 PM by Douglas

I'm so sick of re-runs.

---

Update: Aw man, did they have to come out and say this?!?

President Mohammad Khatami vowed Wednesday that no Iranian government would ever abandon the progress that the country has made in developing peaceful nuclear technology.

Khatami warned that if the talks with Britain, France and Germany fail, his government will not be bound by its undertaking to suspend enrichment of uranium.

Do these guys not get CNN over there or something? We invaded Iraq because we thought they had WMDs, and they're saying they're not going to give up their uranium enrichment programs?

Is it just me, or is the foreign policy of the United States beginning to sound like a bad Jerry Bruckheimer movie?

Posted 2/09/2005 03:58:00 PM by Douglas

First indication you need to hang out with a better punk clique: you get scalped.

A woman suspected of scalping another member of their punk clique -- apparently as punishment for her disrespectful behavior toward women -- surrendered Wednesday, police said.

How bad could it be? I mean she already had a Mohawk.

"When I say this gal was scalped, she was truly scalped," said Bill Braddock, chief deputy of Boise County. "The top of her head, her hair, was completely cut off. The motive, as near as we've been told by witnesses, was retaliation for acting in a way that the adult perceived as being offensive to women as a gender."

And this went down in Idaho? Geesh.

Posted 2/09/2005 03:53:00 PM by Douglas

Chinese New Year again already? I just know I'm going to be writing Monkey on my checks all this week.

Posted 2/08/2005 05:55:00 PM by Douglas

Is Google going to take over the world? They've got the best search engine, the easiest web-based email [let me know if you want an invite], and now they're going after the web-based map world, and their beta version looks pretty durn impressive.

Posted 2/06/2005 03:31:00 PM by Douglas

And now, for no reason whatsoever.

Posted 2/06/2005 03:27:00 PM by Douglas

Michael Moore is an arrogant, pompous ass, and his movies are nothing more than jaded representations of his own unenlightened opinions. But if you're tired of that bloviated windbag espousing his rants from the left, then check out FahrenHYPE 9/11 for some equally nauseating propaganda from the other side. I really can't decide which one made me want to throw up more. I really think that Michael Moore is more (ha!) palatable, but only because his side isn't in charge.

Posted 2/06/2005 03:19:00 PM by Douglas

Want to see some hot chicks rendered in ASCII? Sure you do. From the "Gallery of too much time on your hands," I must say I really thought the ASCII Debbie Gibson was a nice touch. [via Dullard.]

Posted 2/06/2005 03:14:00 PM by Douglas

Sometimes the headline says it all

Blue tit boom 'may cause crisis'

And if that's not good enough, check out the section heading:

Nest Box Week

Somehow I think that headline was intentionally titillating.

Posted 2/06/2005 03:09:00 PM by Douglas

And to think, something in Texas is actually going to benefit from some of Ted Turner's genetic material.

The rumble from stampeding bison used to shake the earth as thousands of the majestic animals thundered across these parts centuries ago.

That sound has faded almost entirely now, and the fate of one of the last pure herds in North America - begun by famed cattleman Charles Goodnight - rests with a trio of bulls donated by media tycoon Ted Turner.

The herd, once 250 strong, has dwindled to 53, and more than a century of inbreeding threatens its survival. The herd's average age has increased by three years - bison typically live between 12 to 15 years - and the number of calves has dropped in recent years. Nine were born last year.

With the donation of Turner's bulls, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department and Texas A&M University's College of Veterinarian Medicine hope to strengthen the herd and preserve an animal that symbolizes the American West.

Generations of inbreeding is a bad thing? Hell, just look at Europe for an answer to that question.

Posted 2/06/2005 02:58:00 PM by Douglas

It can be done. Precinct 1 in Briscoe County can now sell alcohol

A close vote Saturday resulted in the opportunity for consumers to shop at home in Briscoe County.

Voters in Justice of the Peace Precinct 1, which includes Silverton, approved a measure to legalize the sale of alcoholic beverages for off-premises consumption.

"We are now a wet county," said Bena Hester, Briscoe county clerk.

The vote was 288 for and 255 against the sale of alcohol only in Precinct 1.

Wow, that really was a close vote. What's funny is that 255 people voted in favor of the other 288 driving back home from Estelline drunk off their ass.

Posted 2/06/2005 02:37:00 PM by Douglas

Sometimes you gotta get out of the small town. Larry McMurtry is no different.

In the latest plot twist of McMurtry's off-and-on romance with his hometown, the author of Lonesome Dove says he will padlock his bookplex, Booked Up, at year's end for a "sabbatical."

"In my opinion, he wants the people of North Texas to stop taking him for granted," Royal Theater spokesman Clayton Clark said, answering calls at the restored movie house of Picture Show fame.

I didn't think he was so popular in Archer City, after his less than flattering, yet totally accurate portrayal of small town life in The Last Picture Show. At least the store isn't going anywhere. But really, what does it boil down to:

"I like to go out at night," he said. "I like to sit in a nice room and look at beautiful women. I don't want to just sit on my back porch drinking scotch, and there isn't much more to do in Archer City.

At least he doesn't have to drive to Wichita Falls to get scotch.

Posted 2/06/2005 02:33:00 PM by Douglas

The 79th Legislature. The State of Texas just didn't know how unprotected it really was until these ass-clowns showed up in Austin. As if singling out fat kids on their report cards and raising the legal drinking age to 21 years and 7 hours wasn't dumb enough, they're still at it. Who is it this time? Meteorologists.

The bill, which has the active support of a Dallas TV meteorologist from Truitt's district, would make it a very minor crime (misdemeanor) to call yourself a meteorologist unless you meet specific academic requirements included in the bill.

The standards used by Truitt, R-Keller, are tantamount to having a four-year bachelor of science degree in meteorology and are identical to those needed to get an entry-level job with the National Weather Service. They would be the only state-set standards for meteorologists in the country, according to the National Weather Association and the American Meteorological Society.

The state has an interest in protecting the public's safety, and that's why doctors, lawyers, engineers, architects, cosmetologists and teachers have to meet some sets of professional standards before they can practice their chosen professions. But meteorologist? Does anyone really care? What are the impacts of a bad forecast? Is there really nothing going on in Austin to keep these jokers busy?

Truitt says she has only one motive for the bill: the safety of the public. The very real possibility exists that some unqualified person, calling themselves a meteorologist, might someday misinterpret meteorological data in a weather emergency and lead the public into danger, Truitt said.

Ah yes, thankfully this problem is finally being addressed. I can't tell you how many people go to a "back alley meteorologist" when they're looking for information about a hurricane that's threatening the Texas coast. At a time like that, you don't want some joker that's just on TV because they got fired at the used car lot. You want a degreed professional to stand in front of the blue-screen and read the teleprompter.

Posted 2/06/2005 02:02:00 PM by Douglas

It's a sick friggin' world out there. Looks like Nathshay Yvonne Ward is trying out for the Andrea Yeats of 2005, and she's off to a great start.

"She told investigators that she deliberately starved her children to death. They did appear to be malnourished," Wendell Johnson of the Huntsville police said. Autopsies will determine how and when they died, he said.

That's just sickening, but not half as sickening as this worthless sack of crap [please don't click on that link. You were warned].

Waiter? Check please. . .

Posted 2/06/2005 01:57:00 PM by Douglas

Super Sunday, and I think I might be the only person on the planet that doesn't watch it. I just never really understood why people enjoy watching spoiled, whiney millionaires with no connection to the cities they supposedly represent competing in children's games.

And the first person that utters the phrase "I watch it for the commercials" tomorrow is going to get hit in the face with a rake.

Posted 2/05/2005 06:26:00 PM by Douglas

This lady might be a ventriloquist, or this might be the smartest bird in the world. He's definitely smarter than most of the Co-ops I've worked with.

Posted 2/03/2005 06:25:00 PM by Douglas

The lava was about 150 yards from the ocean when I was there about a month ago, but apparently it finally made it to the water.

Posted 2/03/2005 05:56:00 PM by Douglas

Elise Kramer found out that any idiot with a modem can ridicule her, whether her quote was accurate or not. So, here's my attempt to remediate this post from December. Sorry you were misquoted, but I'm afraid that removing inaccurate information from the internet is like trying to get pee out of a swimming pool. Once it's in there, man, it's in there.

Posted 2/03/2005 05:17:00 PM by Douglas

New warning label for sherry bottles? "Contents to be taken orally only."

Investigators say a Lake Jackson woman caused her husband's death by giving him a sherry enema, leading to alcohol poisoning. The enema caused his blood alcohol level to soar to 0.47 percent — almost six times the legal intoxication limit, a toxicology report showed.

Tammy Jean Warner, 42, was indicted on a charge of negligent homicide. She is also charged with burning the will of her husband, Michael Warner, a month before his death on May 21.

That's odd. Most wives just break the will of their husbands.

Michael Warner, a 58-year-old machine shop owner, had a long history of alcoholism, but couldn't ingest alcohol by mouth because of painful medical problems with his throat, said Lake Jackson police detective Robert Turner. The enema was a way he could become intoxicated without drinking alcohol, Turner said.

Ouch. If you've resolved to ingesting alcohol up your bum, maybe it's time you dried out. And why sherry?

Labels: Freeport Cocktail

Posted 2/02/2005 11:01:00 PM by Douglas

As I've said before, but it's useless to compare every bit of public policy, from any administration, to Hitler and the Nazis. It takes focus away from the real issues at hand, but dang it if I'm not saying that more and more often now. Got this one from The Corner, and if anything, it reminded me why I don't read The Corner. But ignoring it won't make it go away.

UNCONVINCING [Kate O'Beirne]
Curious that they gave their national security message to the girl. Nancy Pelosi said that Iraq has become a magnet for terrorists from around the world. . . so we shouldn't stay around to kill them - we should leave. Compared to congressional Democrats, the Administration is handicapped because they have to live in the real world of tough choices and trade-offs.

So, since there's no WMD and there were no Al Queda connections with Iraq before it was destabilized by our invasion, it would be wrong to leave before we killed them? These pre-terrorists that have not only not been accused of any terroristic acts, but have (supposedly) yet to commit them as well are worthy of our destruction because hey, they might do something?

Fuck Iraq. How 'bout Freedom and Liberty here? Remember when the notion of preemptive execution was reserved for France, Russia, Cambodia and other Leftist revolutions that didn't make the pretense of Liberty?

Posted 2/02/2005 05:27:00 PM by Douglas

There are people that are crazy, and there are people that send postcards. Where was I going with this? I have no idea, but this is a pretty intriguing site. [Via Dullard.]

Posted 2/02/2005 05:23:00 PM by Douglas

Now this is funny. You just can't make up stuff like this.

A woman has pleaded guilty to selling on eBay three nonexistent cases of Duff brand beer -- the favorite of cartoon character Homer Simpson.

Tara Edith Woodford, 28, pleaded guilty in the Mackay Magistrates Court in northern Queensland state on Wednesday to three charges of dishonestly gaining money by false pretenses.

Now that's a little silly. Selling beer? Copyright infringement? What's the charge?

In the mid-1990s, two breweries released their own "Duff Beer" in Australia until legal action by the creators of "The Simpsons" and the Twentieth Century Fox Film Corp. took the beer off the market.

Fox has a policy of refusing to license "The Simpsons" merchandising for products that would be detrimental to children. [emphasis added, as I laugh my ass off]

Hands down, the funniest thing I've read in several years.

Fox is now worried about products that are detrimental to children? Did I wake up in the Twilight Zone today? Isn't Fox responsible for such notable cultural trainwrecks as Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?, Married by America, Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy, and my personal favourite, Mr. Personality, which was hosted by none other than Monica Lewinsky and featured a guy in a Mexican Wrestler's mask hitting on complete strangers. Yes, it's so blatantly obvious how beer is completely beneath the moral fabric of such an esteemed organization.

But why are they only interested in protecting children from the debauchery of malted hops and barley? Seems to me that without beer, there wouldn't even be half the kids in this country in the first place. And for some reason, they all watch Fox, and sadly, most of them vote, as well.

Posted 2/02/2005 05:17:00 PM by Douglas

I fear I've been too hard on Bush lately, so I'd like to focus some of my contempt back towards Senator John Kerry (D-MA). For some reason, on the day of the election in Iraq, he was the guest on "Meet the Press." I caught the re-run after reading Ann's captivating synopsis of the interview. I have no idea how Bush got elected, but I'm just as clueless as how this caricature of a stick figure got over 50 million votes. It's as though he's on Saturday Night Live making fun of himself.

MR. RUSSERT: You're saying raise taxes by rolling back the top bracket. You're raising taxes on richer Americans to pay for Social Security.

SEN. KERRY: Well, Tim, you can call it what you want. I mean, if you think rolling back to the level that we had in the 1990s, when an awful lot of our friends made an awful lot of money and people did very well in America--if you think that's raising taxes, then you can go ahead and have that definition. I think it's rolling back. I think it's rolling them back to a level of responsibility.

So, even though he wants to [gasp] raise taxes, it's not a tax increase. I can't imagine how he lost.

Posted 2/02/2005 05:12:00 PM by Douglas

Happy Groundhog Day! If President Bush sees his shadow tonight, that means four more years of quietly shaking my head and sighing. So to help me get by, here's a good State of the Union drinking game. A few repeats from last year, but still, a good guideline. You can't go wrong with this one:

If he admits having made a mistake in the past four years = STOP DRINKING you've clearly had too much already

Ha! Not likely. (The first part, anyway. .)

Posted 2/01/2005 05:38:00 PM by Douglas

Susan Mathis is at it again. After going to detention for her daughter earlier this month because she couldn't get her to school on time, she's now doing jail time for her son. Why? Who cares?

First, Pearland mom Susan Manis spent time in detention at school with one of her daughters. Now, she's been thrown in jail for nonpayment of fines, fees and court costs incurred by one of her sons.

"I'm wondering what's going to happen next," Manis, who has four children and two stepchildren, said Monday.

Here's an idea: How 'bout your worthless children take responsibility for their own actions? Ok, I know that a bit harsh, and totally unreasonable these days. How 'bout you just get your adult children to take care of their warrants? There's a start.

But who would let their mother going to jail for their lack of payment? What a wiener.

Posted 2/01/2005 05:21:00 PM by Douglas

Two years later, and it's been a rough two years. Considering the two years I put in on STS-107 before the launch, this really isn't the way I wanted to see it turn out.

A 1-ton, 5-foot-tall column is engraved with the names of Columbia's crew: Laurel Clark, Kalpana Chawla, Rick Husband, William "Willie" McCool, Michael Anderson, David Brown and Ilan Ramon, Israel's first astronaut in space. A three-quarter-ton, 2-foot-tall monument is engraved with the names of two people who died in a helicopter crash during the debris search: Charles Krenek, of the Texas Forest Service, and pilot J. "Buzz" Mier.

I guess I'm going to have to go down to 901 Bagby to check this out.

Now, time for STS-114.

Posted 2/01/2005 05:19:00 PM by Douglas

So you're just sitting at home and a big hunk of frozen crap comes flying through your window.

It came from the friendly skies, and caused quite a bit of damage.

Frozen waste from a jet’s toilet smashed onto a woman’s car last week, crushing part of the roof and shattering the windshield.

Now that's what I call an icy B-M (ICBM). [No, I shall never tire of that one.]

Nina Gambone says federal aviation officials determined the chunk of frozen debris came from a jet’s lavatory. But, a spokesman says they can’t do anything unless it can identify the airline responsible.

So how would they go on to identify it? DNA?

Posted 2/01/2005 05:03:00 PM by Douglas

Who'd a thunk it? The sainted 4th estate can be fooled with a dang GI Joe doll.

A picture of an "abducted" U.S. soldier in Iraq appeared on a Web site on Tuesday, but suspicion grew it was a hoax after a U.S. toy maker said it appeared to show a model soldier made by the company.

But Liam Cusack, marketing coordinator for California-based Dragon Models USA, said the picture appeared to show a special forces operative figure the company had made for collectors.

Oops. And they wonder why the public has such a low perception of the media.