Posted 11/03/2005 05:35:00 PM by Douglas

When it comes to pointless and arbitrary milestones, I'm just as sentimental as the next guy. So in honor of my 10,000th hit here at crap-blog, I thought it was about time for the obligatory "about me" post. I think I'll probably add to this, but for now, here's a bit of info about your humble host:

• Chicken wings technically aren't even food.
  
• Relying on your car's bumper to express political, religious, or socioeconomic affiliations merely reveals that you're incredibly shallow or stupid. Sometimes both.
  
• Flu shots don't do a damn thing.
  
• Pancho and Lefty were the same person.
  
• Pluto is definitely not a planet, and probably not even a dog, either.
  
• Paying with a check at the express lane at the grocery store should be punishable by mandatory imprisonment.
  
• I'm philosophically opposed to soccer: It's the "Marxist concept of the labor theory of value applied to sports."
  
• Your co-workers in the office don't give a shit about the funny sit-com you saw on TV last night.
  
• The unstated purpose of television news and weather is to scare the crap out of old people.
  
• That comic strip you read that you think is so poignant is, in fact, trite and poorly drawn.
  
• People that use a gas grill to cook meat shouldn't even bother wasting their time.
  
• Make basketball interesting: Give each team 100 points and only 2 minutes to play.
  
• Blogging is a pointless waste of time typically engaged in by wanna be politicos, overwrought high school girls, or both.
  
• There's no discernable difference between the Democratic and Republican parties.
  
• The only natural state of any system in the universe is decay.
  
• Cheap, domestic beer may taste like piss, but drinking a $9 imported beer makes you look like an asshole.
  
• Great Mexican food is a sign from above that God truly loves us all. Bad Mexican food is a sign you're going to be in the bathroom for a long, long time wishing you hadn't ordered that chimichanga.
  
• Children are our future. So please don't get huffy when I glare at you when the future won't stop kicking the back of my fucking seat in the airplane.
  
• People that are daunted by story problems have no business operating motor vehicles, home appliances, or voting.
  
• The designated hitter rule is ruining the American League.
  
• Doctors spend four years in medical school to empirically tell you something that you already know.
  
• Anyone, male or female, young or old, driving a Mustang, is an asshole.
  
• If God can't create a stone so large that he can't move it, he's a pussy.
  
• The only people that like fried turkey are those that don't really like turkey in the first place.
  
• Stadium-arena concerts are a frustratingly pointless waste of time.
  
• No one in the country has any idea how to use an apostrophe.
  
• College is over. Get on with your life.
  
• There is a fine line between a well manicured lawn and severe alcoholism.
  
• A perfunctory comprehension of compound interest should be mandatory before a bank issues anyone a credit card.
  
• A tax is the way a government punishes you for getting off of welfare.
  
• There's absolutely no difference between hamsters and gerbils.
  
• The diamond industry has convinced us all to pay a 1,000% markup on a tiny piece of carbon that isn't even rare, gemologically speaking.
  
• I just made up the word gemologically.
  
• If you order the $13 fajitas at a Mexican restaurant you're a total idiot.
  
• People married to people that are obviously disproportionately more attractive than they are have no business getting photographs made.
  
• Ranch dressing is vegetable's very own ketchup.
  
• Buffets are a great place to eat if you aren't picky about taste, love huge portions, and don't mind hepatitis.
  
• Chiropractors exist because some people enjoy a weekly back-rub from a guy in a white coat.
  
• Wind-chill factors are made up, arbitrary and totally pointless numbers used by TV weathermen to scare us.

Labels: pointless milestone