Thursday, November 03, 2005

When it comes to pointless and arbitrary milestones, I'm just as sentimental as the next guy. So in honor of my 10,000th hit here at crap-blog, I thought it was about time for the obligatory "about me" post. I think I'll probably add to this, but for now, here's a bit of info about your humble host:
  • Chicken wings technically aren't even food.
  • Relying on your car's bumper to express political, religious, or socioeconomic affiliations merely reveals that you're incredibly shallow or stupid. Sometimes both.
  • Flu shots don't do a damn thing.
  • Pancho and Lefty were the same person.
  • Pluto is definitely not a planet, and probably not even a dog, either.
  • Paying with a check at the express lane at the grocery store should be punishable by mandatory imprisonment.
  • I'm philosophically opposed to soccer: It's the "Marxist concept of the labor theory of value applied to sports."
  • Your co-workers in the office don't give a shit about the funny sit-com you saw on TV last night.
  • The unstated purpose of television news and weather is to scare the crap out of old people.
  • That comic strip you read that you think is so poignant is, in fact, trite and poorly drawn.
  • People that use a gas grill to cook meat shouldn't even bother wasting their time.
  • Make basketball interesting: Give each team 100 points and only 2 minutes to play.
  • Blogging is a pointless waste of time typically engaged in by wanna be politicos, overwrought high school girls, or both.
  • There's no discernable difference between the Democratic and Republican parties.
  • The only natural state of any system in the universe is decay.
  • Cheap, domestic beer may taste like piss, but drinking a $9 imported beer makes you look like an asshole.
  • Great Mexican food is a sign from above that God truly loves us all. Bad Mexican food is a sign you're going to be in the bathroom for a long, long time wishing you hadn't ordered that chimichanga.
  • Children are our future. So please don't get huffy when I glare at you when the future won't stop kicking the back of my fucking seat in the airplane.
  • People that are daunted by story problems have no business operating motor vehicles, home appliances, or voting.
  • The designated hitter rule is ruining the American League.
  • Doctors spend four years in medical school to empirically tell you something that you already know.
  • Anyone, male or female, young or old, driving a Mustang, is an asshole.
  • If God can't create a stone so large that he can't move it, he's a pussy.
  • The only people that like fried turkey are those that don't really like turkey in the first place.
  • Stadium-arena concerts are a frustratingly pointless waste of time.
  • No one in the country has any idea how to use an apostrophe.
  • College is over. Get on with your life.
  • There is a fine line between a well manicured lawn and severe alcoholism.
  • A perfunctory comprehension of compound interest should be mandatory before a bank issues anyone a credit card.
  • A tax is the way a government punishes you for getting off of welfare.
  • There's absolutely no difference between hamsters and gerbils.
  • The diamond industry has convinced us all to pay a 1,000% markup on a tiny piece of carbon that isn't even rare, gemologically speaking.
  • I just made up the word gemologically.
  • If you order the $13 fajitas at a Mexican restaurant you're a total idiot.
  • People married to people that are obviously disproportionately more attractive than they are have no business getting photographs made.
  • Ranch dressing is vegetable's very own ketchup.
  • Buffets are a great place to eat if you aren't picky about taste, love huge portions, and don't mind hepatitis.
  • Chiropractors exist because some people enjoy a weekly back-rub from a guy in a white coat.
  • Wind-chill factors are made up, arbitrary and totally pointless numbers used by TV weathermen to scare us.