Posted 7/31/2004 12:58:00 PM by Douglas

How to land your airplane on the freeway. It doesn't say if he landed with the traffic or head-on.

Posted 7/31/2004 12:48:00 PM by Douglas

I really think that this has to be fake. Let's hope so.

Posted 7/30/2004 09:46:00 PM by Douglas

It's apparently quizz night at the blog. Enjoy!

Harvard
You're the best -- you know it, as does everyone else (except for US News and World Report every few years). You might not be hip, you might not be pretty, but you're smart as a whip and you never need to do another impressive thing in your life.

Which Ivy League University is right for YOU?

And here's the list of all eight responses. I found them kind of funny, in a jealous kinda way.

Labels: dumb internet quiz

Posted 7/30/2004 08:43:00 PM by Douglas

Which Simpson's character are you? Turns out, I'm Krusty the Clown.

Labels: dumb internet quiz

Posted 7/30/2004 08:41:00 PM by Douglas

For those thinking of a knee replacement surgery, take a look at this. And by "thinking of knee replacement surgery", I mean performing one, not "getting" one.

Posted 7/29/2004 05:57:00 PM by Douglas

Sometimes, life does imitate SNL:

Boss: [picks up large cell phone] Y'hello?

Clerk #1: Ha, look at that ancient cell phone he has.

Clerk #2: Look at how big it is!

Boss: [covers mouthpiece] Please. Big is the new small. Cami Diaz has one twice this size.

Turns out, big cell phones are making a comeback. At least the receiver.

He is, after all, talking into a heavy, black, old, Bakelite telephone handset, with a thick coiled cord leading into his pocket.

So is he being cool and retro, or does he want old people to think that he has a phone booth growing out of his pocket?

Posted 7/29/2004 05:53:00 PM by Douglas

Once again, Lileks has once again perfectly crystallized my thoughts on a subject. This time, Ikea.

I remember when we lived in DC and had a hip modern apartment and were hip young professionals in the hip albeit bum-infested part of town; IKEA was a holy place. I still understand the attraction; you can get sharply styled stuff for cheap, but what once was a real true 90s thrill-ride now just looks like wood scraps pressed into shapes preferred by half-hearted socialists. You can have all of it.

How true. And how odd that there's a picture in the Houston Chronicle that shows people camped out in front of the Houston Ikea trying to win free furniture.

Hey, here's a thought: Instead of camping out for a week for a chance to win cheap, Chinese furniture imported through Sweden, try getting a freaking job! It pays better than camping out on the sidewalk.

Posted 7/29/2004 05:40:00 PM by Douglas

We're certainly getting our money's worth from the war on drugs. Or is it decorative landscaping?

Landscape contractor Blair Davis was in his northwest Harris County home around 2 p.m. Tuesday when there was a knock at his door.

Davis said he hadn't even gotten his hand on the doorknob when it flew open and he was looking at the barrel of a pistol.

Behind the gun were about 10 members of the Harris County Organized Crime and Narcotics Task Force, who burst into the home, guns drawn, and began shouting at him to get down on the floor.

There on the floor, Davis said, it took a while to figure out that what had caused the swarm of lawmen to descend upon him was the hibiscus in his front yard.

That's right, hibiscus.

Attacking the government for our erosion of liberty is a popular activity under the current administration, and is, for the most part, a hyperbolic reaction. But this sort of thing scares the crap out of me. The most frightening part of this story is the total lack of provocation on the part of the police. How did they get tipped off that this guy had some strange hibiscus on his property?

Evidently, some well-meaning but horticulturally challenged citizen turned Davis in.

So literally anyone, from your neighbor that doesn't like your dog, to a total idiot that wouldn't know a hibiscus from an orchid can call the cops, tell them you're growing pot, and have them kick down your door at gunpoint.

At least this guy was able to have a sense of humor about it, although I don't know how:

"They were in containers," he said: "I don't want to say potted plants."

Posted 7/29/2004 05:34:00 PM by Douglas

I had no idea that the chili-cheese burrito was in danger of extinction. Nor did I think that anyone would miss it.

Posted 7/28/2004 08:41:00 PM by Douglas

The Daily Show's coverage of the Democratic Convention, chronicled here. Jon Stewart is a freakin' genius.

Posted 7/28/2004 08:32:00 PM by Douglas

Ever wonder what some guy from Minnesota bought at Wal-Mart over the last seven years? Yeah, me neither, but now thanks to the internet, you can find out.

Posted 7/28/2004 08:28:00 PM by Douglas

Petty, sophomoric and purile? Yep, yep, and yep. But something about the threat assesment on this one kinda made me laugh. I like the punchline, too.

Posted 7/28/2004 08:26:00 PM by Douglas

What a horrible idea. I can't believe that more than four people in the whole country would think that this is a good idea, and yet the fine folks in Annapolis thought they should receive a waiver.

The City Council last night voted to waive all permit fees for a planned September "slavery reconciliation walk," where whites, instead of blacks, will march through the streets in chains to promote harmony between the races.

The City Council last night voted to waive all permit fees for a planned September "slavery reconciliation walk," where whites, instead of blacks, will march through the streets in chains to promote harmony between the races.

That's just super.

Posted 7/27/2004 09:08:00 PM by Douglas

Just when you think you can have a little fun with a classic song, someone's got to go and get all legal on your ass: [warning: it takes forever to download with dialup]

You know the Jibjab thing I'm talking about, right? The flash animation movie swirling around the Internet with President George Bush and Senator John Kerry singing to the tune of Woody Guthrie's "This Land Is Your Land."

The bit is hilarious. Unless you are The Richmond Organization, a music publisher that owns the copyright to Guthrie's tune through its Ludlow Music unit.

"This puts a completely different spin on the song," said Kathryn Ostien, director of copyright licensing for the publisher. "The damage to the song is huge."

It is hillarious. Them folks need to lighten up.

Posted 7/27/2004 08:39:00 PM by Douglas

"9-1-1, what's your emergency?" "Uh, yeah, I need ketchup, repeat, ketchup on I-45 the Gulf Freeway. Please hurry!

Posted 7/27/2004 08:38:00 PM by Douglas

This is the most frightening thing I've read from a mainstream news outlet (granted, it did come from England). Children to get jabs against drug addiction

Under the plans, doctors would immunise children at risk of becoming smokers or drug users with an injection. The scheme could operate in a similar way to the current nationwide measles, mumps and rubella vaccination programme.

Childhood immunisation would provide adults with protection from the euphoria that is experienced by users, making drugs such as heroin and cocaine pointless to take. Such vaccinations are being developed by pharmaceutical companies and are due to hit the market within two years.

Apparently, those good chaps across the pond saw A Clockwork Orange and thought it was a bloody good idea.

Imagine that. Parents lining up at the State Clinic to get their children immunized against euphoria. As if the government itself isn't doing all it can to such the joy of life out of us. We need prescription drugs that can do the same thing? Man, the government is just getting lazy. They need to do something to push our taxes up over 50% if they're really serious about sucking all the joy out of life.

Posted 7/27/2004 08:25:00 PM by Douglas

Sadly, I'll bet there are some Kansas pot dealers that are going to fall for this one.

The fact that dealing marijuana and controlled substances is illegal does not exempt it from taxation. Therefore drug dealers are required by law to purchase drug tax stamps.

The drug tax is due as soon as the dealer takes possession of the marijuana or controlled substance. Payment of the drug tax will purchase the drug tax stamps. Attach the stamp to the marijuana and/or controlled substance immediately after receiving the substance. The stamps are valid for 3 months. Drugs seized without stamps or having expired stamps may result in criminal or civil penalties which may include fines, seizure of property or liens against real estate.

A dealer is not required to give his/her name or address when purchasing stamps and the Department is prohibited from sharing any information relating to the purchase of drug tax stamps with law enforcement or anyone else.

Purchasing drug tax stamps does not make possession of drugs legal.

Yes, kids, make sure you pay all your taxes on that illegal controlled substance. You sure wouldn't want to face any civil penalties after they throw you in jail for possession.

Posted 7/27/2004 08:13:00 PM by Douglas

Ann Coulter: Check your watch. Does it say 14:58? It should. Poor, persecuted Ann just got dropped by USA Today, the Zeppo Marx of American journalism, because her first piece out of the bullpen created too much of an editorial dispute.

USA Today has dropped plans to have conservative author Ann Coulter write a daily column from the Democratic convention. The newspaper dropped Coulter in a dispute over the first column she had written about the Democrats.

"It was just differences over editing of a fairly ordinary kind," USA Today Editorial Page Editor Brian Gallagher told Editor & Publisher. "We had some different conceptions of what the column should be, we tried to work them out and when we couldn't, we decided the best course of action was for us to go our own ways."

I guess it wouldn't have been professionally courteous to say "it sucks." But here it is and after reading as much as I could without vomiting in my mouth, I have two questions:

1. Why does she think she's one of the pretty girls?
2. Who on earth is still interested in anything that woman has to say?

Posted 7/27/2004 08:00:00 PM by Douglas

This may be a bit on the sophomoric side, but I still found myself laughing out loud at some of them. Here's some advice for children they're not going to hear elsewhere.

• Socks should match your pants, and your belt should match your shoes. After that, if anyone complains, tell ‘em they should be happy you’re wearing any clothes at all.
• Beat off enough and eventually someone will walk in on you while you’re doing it. When this happens, pause, look them directly in the eye and say, “You done ruined the romance, so go ahead and say whatever it is you want to say.” If they don’t immediately apologize and leave, run over there and put your hands on their face.
• Try not to get too depressed. There’s always something to look forward to. Keep alert, and sooner or later you’ll see someone slip and hurt themselves.
• You can whoop those two guys easy enough. But what if they come back with a friend who’s big enough to lift you off the ground and pin you to the wall with one hand? What then, slugger? (You’re going to feel like a fucking idiot, that’s what.)
• If, while chugging a beer, the phrase, “I bet this is going to be the last coherent thought I have tonight,” runs through your head, get someone to take you home. Now.
• Now that you’ve climbed up there, it’s a lot higher than it looks, isn’t it? Dumbass.
• When it comes time to pick out that first tattoo, remember: it doesn’t matter how much you like that one comic book. There’s always a chance that eight years later someone will make a movie of it that stars Sylvester Stallone. And you’ll be fucked.
• Dungeons and Dragons never goes away. Girls will still sense that shit 20 years later.

Words to live by.

Posted 7/27/2004 07:55:00 PM by Douglas

If only I lived in a "swing" state, I'd be more inclined to feel like this presidential elections mattered. To show that he hasn't given up on Brother Jeb's Florida, Kerry does some campaigning at KSC in Florida. I must say, he looks absolutely adorable in the bunny suit.

I think the best headline was in the Houston Chronicle, of all places:

Kerry hunts for votes in Florida

I don't think it's a stretch of the imagination as to why NASA doesn't think too highly of the man. Quotes like this one, perhaps?

"Some estimating already this could cost a trillion dollars over 20 years. And some saying, you know what, that trillion dollars might be better spent creating jobs here on Earth, rather than going back to the Moon and Mars."

Well just where does he think that money would be going? Who does he think is going to be building the next generation of spacecraft? Moon people we can pay less than minimum wage?

Posted 7/27/2004 07:45:00 PM by Douglas

For the first time in several years, I missed Lileks yesterday. And wouldn't you know it, it's as interesting as usual. This time, he goes out buying a duvet cover.

Anyway. The duvet is ripped. My sensible response: turn it over. But my wife’s mother is coming for a visit, so we need a new duvet. My wife has no time to get one. I have time in overflowing abundance, it seems, so off to Southdale go Gnat and I. Several styles are available for purchase: Laura Ashley having a screaming acid fit, Clown Pelt, creepy-crawly paisley, and one sage-hued item that I can only describe as “ribbed for her pleasure.” This is the one I get, because it picks up the colors of the room, flatters them, doesn’t overwhelm the space with a nutball pattern or suck the life out of the room with some sinkhole hue. The clerk gets a duvet out of storage. It appears gray. We compare it with the one on display, spotlight by high halogen fixtures. Now it’s green.

Fluorescent light should be banned in stores for this very reason. Anyone that doesn't know that it significantly alters the color of everything that's under it is a damn fool. I once had a guy at The Home Despot tell me I was imagining things when I told him the paint didn't match. Moron. We continue. This time, about drinking:

But first, the party. It’s nights like Saturday that make me wish I drank more. I had a great time at the Northern Alliance Blogging Bash, but I kept thinking gee, how much more fun could I have if I drank? Lots? Until I was a loud sloshy boor who couldn’t even pronounce “shh”? I may never know.

Good question. How much more could anyone drink to have more fun? Most times? A lot.

Posted 7/27/2004 07:37:00 PM by Douglas

For once, an '83 Pontiac Trans Am is actually going to go up in value because David Hasselhoff sat in it.

The "highly modified" 1983 Pontiac Trans Am, which costarred with the suitably buff Hasselhoff on NBC's Knight Rider from 1982 to '86, is among the nearly 500 Hollywood trinkets, treasures and Ten Commandments tablets going up on the auction block Friday.

Joseph M. Maddalena of the Beverly Hills-based memorabilia dealer Profiles in History said he expects bidding on KITT to open at $35,000.

"Nineteen-Eighties television is just huge," Maddalena says. "That's all people want. It's just the ultimate pop culture icon, and that's what the KITT car is."

Considering that it wasn't worth that much brand spankin' new, I think that the owner of that pile of crap should be glad they get whatever they can for it.

And I'm talking about the KITT and Hasselhoff's career.

Posted 7/27/2004 12:02:00 AM by Douglas

Happy un-Birthday, Allison.

Posted 7/26/2004 05:53:00 PM by Douglas

And I thought I was having a crappy Monday.

Well hey, at least it was just the trailer that went over the guardrail.

An 18-wheeler's trailer dangled by its rear wheels from a bridge for several hours Monday after it crashed on the major highway in the Florida Keys.

The truck was involved in a multi-vehicle accident around 6 a.m. Monday when the trailer separated from the cab and went over a guardrail, Monroe County sheriff's spokeswoman Becky Herrin said. The empty trailer was hanging over the water before a crane hauled it up, she said.

Things to avoid while driving on twenty miles of bridge: "multi-vehicle accident."

Posted 7/26/2004 05:31:00 PM by Douglas

Regardless of where one might reside on the abortion issue, I think we all can agree that it's a very decisive issue, and the event itself is, if noting else, immensely private.

Well, it doesn't have to be anymore.

You can argue whether or not it's something you should be ashamed of, but I think this is disgusting.

The person who showed this to me thought Planned Parenthood Yahoo-store got hacked or something, and the shirt was a sick joke to show how militant they are. That might be, since it's not a ".org" site. But I knew some people college, some of the "don't call me chick chicks" that would have worn this shirt without a hint of irony. Even if it wasn't true.

Also, why does a Planned Parenthood/Yahoo-store even exist? What the hell could you possibly want from an organization liked Planned Parenthood that they don't already offer?

Buying T-shirts from Planned Parenthood is like having your tires rotated by your OB/GYN.

Posted 7/25/2004 11:46:00 AM by Douglas

Here's the follow-up to the bee attack that went down yesterday. This woman is pretty damn unlucky.

Dozens of stingers left by angry bees remain imbedded in Gonzales' scalp after bees attacked her Thursday outside her apartment.

"To remove those (stingers), they would have to shave my head," she said, relating what hospital staff told her while she was being treated at Northwest Texas Hospital for an estimated 80 stings.

If you're at the hospital because you've been attacked by a swarm of bees, maybe your coiffe shouldn't be your prime concern.

She was swinging her hefty handbag and "doing this funky bee dance" in the parking lot when Kroeger yelled at her to run to her car, she said.

What's a "funky bee dance?" Is it the dance that's funky, or the bees?

Carl Patrick, an entomologist at the Texas A&M Research and Extension Center in Amarillo, said he is sending a sample of the bees for testing at the Texas Honey Bee Identification Lab at College Station.

I had no idea that Texas even had a Honey Bee Identification Lab, but now that I know that, I'm not surprised at all that it's at College Station. And wouldn't you know it, they've got a web site.

Posted 7/24/2004 03:28:00 PM by Douglas

Does anyone care what the Bush twins have to say about their father's reelection?

President Bush's twin daughters went online Friday to get out the vote for dad.

"He is definitely an extremely busy man, but he still finds plenty of time to devote to us," Barbara and Jenna wrote jointly in the Internet chat program sponsored by the Bush-Cheney campaign.

"Two months after September 11, when our father and our country were dealing with a huge national tragedy, he still found time to throw us a party for our 20th birthday.

That's just super. Ah, politicians and their sycophantic family members. Ants & flies at the political picnic.

I think they need their own cabinet positions. Secretary of Fake-IDs.

Posted 7/24/2004 03:19:00 PM by Douglas

The big list of how G'Dub is spending our money.

I don't recommend reading this if you're prone to hysterical spitting fits of ranting about your taxes.

Posted 7/24/2004 03:08:00 PM by Douglas

Cosmetic surgery for members of the military isn't too terribly surprising, but breast enlargements?

The U.S. Army has long lured recruits with the slogan "Be All You Can Be," but now soldiers and their families can receive plastic surgery, including breast enlargements, on the taxpayers' dime.

The New Yorker magazine reports in its July 26th edition that members of all four branches of the U.S. military can get face-lifts, breast enlargements, liposuction and nose jobs for free -- something the military says helps surgeons practice their skills.

"Anyone wearing a uniform is eligible," Dr. Bob Lyons, chief of plastic surgery at Brooke Army Medical Center in San Antonio told the magazine, which said soldiers needed the approval of their commanding officers to get the time off.

Between 2000 and 2003, military doctors performed 496 breast enlargements and 1,361 liposuction surgeries on soldiers and their dependents, the magazine said.

I can't possibly imagine how enlarging 992 army boobies is in the best interest of our national defense. I wonder when that procedure was approved for our military? Under Clinton, perhaps?

Posted 7/24/2004 02:43:00 PM by Douglas

George Lucas is an absolute genius. Because it would take a genius to figure out how to take the most thrilling, groundbreaking, financially successful, and innovative movies of all time and totally drive their prequel into the freakin' ground.

The final "Star Wars" prequel is just "Episode III" no more. Lucasfilm announced its new title Saturday: "Revenge of the Sith."

The movie, set for release in May 2005, will link the prequels with the original "Star Wars" trilogy by showing how Luke Skywalker's father, Anakin, went from a sweet-natured slave boy to the galaxy-crushing villain Darth Vader. The Sith is the evil sect that corrupts Anakin by drawing him into the dark side of the Force, the cosmic power that balances the universe.

Yawn. I grew up in the 70s and 80s, and there was absolutely nothing cooler than Star Wars. Lucas has totally ruined that with shoddy writing and a zillion dollars worth of CGI. It's crap, pure crap.

I actually saw Episode I: Lucas Cashes a Check, but I borrowed a DVD for Episode II: Lucas Realizes His Mistake. And even though this last one is supposed to tie up all the lose ends between II (in 2002) and IV (in 1977), I just don't see the point. Why bother?

Star Wars Episode III: Who Gives A Sith?

Posted 7/24/2004 02:32:00 PM by Douglas

When bees attack. The only thing this story is missing is John Belushi in a bee suit.

An estimated 60,000 bees died Thursday and at least one woman suffered multiple bee stings during a commotion surrounding removal of a bee hive.

About 3 p.m., a resident at the complex drove up during the bee removal operation and started walking to her second-floor apartment. The bees began to buzz around her, Kroeger said.

He advised her to go the other direction at a run, which typically would leave the bees behind. Instead, she made a beeline for her apartment, right next to the hive, he said.

A perfect time not to make a beeline to your apartment? When a guy wearing four layers of protective gear tells you to run the other way.

She reached her apartment with numerous stings and called 911, which dispatched paramedics, Kroeger said.

The paramedics initially could not approach the apartment because thousands of agitated bees were in the area and bent on defending their hive, Kroeger said.

I'd love to have been a bee on the wall of the conversation that went on in the cab of the ambulance. "Which apartment are we looking for. . . 203? Is that the one surrounded by that swarm of fucking bees? What's the call? A woman stung by bees? Well no shit. Let's wait this one out, Tony."

But the real question is yet to be answered. Were these aggressive bees. . . . the dreaded killer bees?

As to whether the bees might be an "Africanized" strain, Kroeger said there's no way to know unless the city chooses to send a sample to the state beekeeper in College Station for examination.

"I will just say that they were more aggressive than average honeybees. There's no way to tell by looking except by looking under a microscope," he said. "They act like they may have some Africanized genetic material."

First off, I thought use of the term "Africanized" when describing killer bees was deemed un-politically correct. And just what is Africanized genetic material pertaining to bees? Do Africanized bees have larger, um, pollen collectors?

Posted 7/24/2004 02:17:00 PM by Douglas

Cops. These poor guys have such a thankless job.

Officials say two people in a car were arguing, when the woman passenger bit the male driver on the forehead.

When he slammed on the brakes, a big-rig rear ended the car.

A Fresno County Sheriff's deputy stopped to help, but the male driver charged him.

When the deputy pulled his gun, the man stopped. That's when the female pulled out a can of WD-40 and sprayed the deputy in the face.

Man, is there anything WD-40 can't do?!? Who knew it was a cop repellant?

Posted 7/24/2004 02:07:00 PM by Douglas

Ken simply won't go away

Will Ken Jennings ever lose? Not anytime soon. The "Jeopardy!" quiz master won his 38th straight game on Friday, shattering a one-day record by earning $75,000. Now his fans — and foes — have to wait while the show goes on hiatus until September.

You're boring, Ken. Lose already.

Posted 7/22/2004 09:04:00 PM by Douglas

Please lord, if you could grant me my one dying wish, it's that the words foam dance party don't appear in my obit, or in the newspaper's Metro section.

Margaret Susan Piton's body was found early in the morning of March 21 near the dance floor, hidden under layers of foam.

The Cameron County District Attorney's Office will review the South Padre Island police investigation to determine if any criminal charges are warranted. But Island Police Chief Robert Rodriguez told Edinburg radio station KURV that all indications are that her death was an accident.

The autopsy found that Piton's blood-alcohol content was .260, more than three times the legal limit.

Her parents have sued Club Chaos, claiming that excessive foam and the club's failure to warn patrons of the dangers of the foam caused or contributed to her death.

It's just a matter of time before we see "Margaret's Law" on the books. Trying to put a stop to the senseless deaths that take place each year at the unrelenting hands of the "big foam" industry.

Posted 7/22/2004 09:02:00 PM by Douglas

Memo to Alaska: Houston has plenty of smog of its own without you sending yours down here.

That stinging in the eyes and nose during the past several days was caused mostly by ozone, the usual homegrown pollutant that thrives in a Houston summer. But other airborne irritants traveled a long way to get here.

High-altitude winds ferried smoke from enormous forest fires in Alaska and northern Canada all the way to South Texas and Louisiana, said Bryan Lambeth, senior meteorologist with the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality.

It did make for an incredible sunrise on Tuesday. But that may have just been a plant explosion in Pasadena.

Posted 7/22/2004 08:07:00 PM by Douglas

I guess it's more personal than a t-shirt or a key chain, right?

Young travelers and sex tourists are returning from exotic locations with more than just tans and souvenirs. For some, infections such as syphilis and HIV are lingering reminders of a holiday romance.

"A large proportion of people are having sexual intercourse with new partners when they go abroad...

I hate to interrupt, but this story really should more clearly define what "going abroad" means in this sentence

...and are putting themselves at risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs)," said Dr Karen Rogstad of the Royal Hallamshire Hospital in Sheffield, England.

In a report published in the British Medical Journal on Friday, Rogstad reviewed research studies on STIs and searched global health Web Sites and others that could be expected to provide information about traveling to other countries.

Here's a marketing idea: Combine your travel-acquired STD with a t-shirt! "I spent a week in Jamaica and all I got was this lousy burning sensation when I pee." I'm sure Cafe Press would jump at the chance to put that slogan on a t-shirt. Or even better. . . a thong. They've already got one that says "Pork Sword."

Also reminds me of a hilarious SNL commercial, "Bad Idea Jeans."

Guy #2: Normally I wear protection, but then I thought, "When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?"

Once again, life imitates SNL.

Posted 7/22/2004 08:03:00 PM by Douglas

Ken Jennings delenda est! The geeky Mormon that's become a millionaire by answering thing that no human being should know has become a pop culture icon himself. This guy has a humorous (I hope) take on the Ken, and a bleak look at the future:

And then, on January 17, 2026, Jennings loses to a young woman from Ohio (they later marry) by $1 on a Final Jeopardy question about the short-lived talk show Cooking with JK Rowling & Jay-Z. Many die. Upon seeing Jennings' wager come up short, Alex Trebek suffers a massive pulmonary embolism on set. His last words were, "Alex Jennings...I like the sound of that". The elderly, always susceptible to harsh conditions, are hit hardest; Jeopardy becomes the third leading cause of death that year for the 80-100 demographic. Network TV almost collapses (saved only by Survivor: Mare Tranquilitatis), and Jeopardy ratings fall well below pre-Jennings numbers. Jennings retires to Utah, now wholly owned by the Church of Jennings, Inc. And very gradually, people adjust to a world without Ken Jennings as reigning Jeopardy champion.

I really like the Survivor: Mare Tranquilitatis idea, too. But back to Kenny-boy.

I think he's unwatchable. It's no fun watching two people fight for second place. Boring. But the most frustrating thing about Ken is that he bets like a widower that's worried about blowing his last Social Security check. Even when he's got more than twice as much money as his closest competitor, he won't double down and bet enough to actually win some big bucks in a single game. I'm thinking after a season or two, they're going to change the name of the show from Jeopardy! to Second Place! featuring Ken Jennings!

Posted 7/22/2004 08:03:00 PM by Douglas

This is pretty silly, but I had to link to it anyway. Finally, I'm gonna get top billing.

Posted 7/22/2004 07:54:00 PM by Douglas

More crap on Jeopardy, but this will be the last. I thought this was in interesting take on something that has always rubbed me the wrong way.

Actually, it's a fun idea, when it's being done (well, was being done) by Johnny Carson as Karnak the Magnificent. But on Jeopardy, they just don't follow through with it. Sure, they insist on the answers being in the form of a question, but they don't seem to care whether the questions the contestants come up with could actually be answered by the answer on the blue screen. No matter what answer is presented, the contestants' questions always begin with what is or who is. Never any verb other than is, and never any of the other why words that English provides.

To think that the answer would follow from "the question" is totally absurd, so why force contestants to say "what is" before they give their response? If there's a token phrase they have to regurgitate before answering a question, why not "Ken Jennings delenda est"?

Posted 7/22/2004 07:52:00 PM by Douglas

Interesting collections of [NSFW] body-art pictures. I think there's some photo-shopping going on here, but they're still pretty, uh, neat looking.

My, what big eyes you have. Firm, supple, pouting eyes, ever so gently grasping for the sky. . .

Posted 7/22/2004 07:49:00 PM by Douglas

Who needs hallucinogenic drugs when you've got websites like this one to stare at?

Posted 7/21/2004 05:34:00 PM by Douglas

Why does Dodge have such manly commercials when they have such a, ahem, girly emblem? You be the judge:

I ask you how 'macho' a Dodge Ram can be when their emblem is basically the female reproductive system with nostrils.

Female reproductive system with nostrils? Why does that instantly put the mental image of a snorkel in my head?

I don't think this is the type of subliminal advertising that is particularly targeted at their key demographic group.

Oh wait. Maybe it is.

Posted 7/21/2004 05:33:00 PM by Douglas

Let's face it: Sometimes you just really need a beer. So what if you're incarcerated, you shouldn't let that stop you of enjoying a few cold ones with your buddies, should it? Of course not.

The men were charged Monday with escape and bringing alcohol into a jail.

The breakout occurred Thursday night after cellblock doors at the Hawkins County Jail were left unlocked and a faulty control panel failed to alert jailers, Sheriff Warren Rimer said.

Two of the inmates walked out through a fire exit, leaving the door propped open with a Bible, and made a hole in the exercise yard fence. They walked to a market, bought some beer and returned to the jail to share it with other prisoners. When the booze ran out, the other two inmates made another beer run to a different store.

I can't decide what's the best part of this story. That they broke out of jail to go get some beer, that they actually came back to jail with the beer, or the propped the door of the jail open with a freakin' Bible. You just couldn't make up something like that.

"I guess they thought if they came back they wouldn't be charged with escape," Rimer said, "but they were wrong."

Why? What do the citizens of Rogersville, TN gain by charging them with escape after they returned to the incompetent jail they escaped from? The jailer should give them a beer and get them to show him where the holes in the fence are.

Posted 7/21/2004 05:23:00 PM by Douglas

Even though I personally think Lance "one-nut" Armstrong is an android, I could really care less about the Tour de France or how many times he's won it. But something about this story makes he hope he wins again:

Armstrong caught Basso and passed him just after riding over a red-white-and-blue Texas state flag drawn on the black pavement. Basso glanced left at Armstrong, who just looked straight ahead

God Bless Texas!

Posted 7/21/2004 05:20:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like there's going to be rather large issue of Duh! magazine next month. Turns out some people in Europe drink because they want to get drunk. Who'd a thunk it?

Germans are Europe's worst binge drinkers with almost one in five believing "the point of drinking is to get drunk," according to a survey Wednesday.

"Although the Germans may not go drinking as often as the British, when they do drink, many want to get drunk," said Mintel senior consumer analyst Michelle Strutton.

The survey showed that 17 percent of German adults believe "the point of drinking is to get drunk." This was twice the proportion of adults in Britain who felt the same way.

I thought most people drink two gallons of beer at one sitting because of it's unique and diverse nutritional content.

Labels: Duh

Posted 7/21/2004 05:18:00 PM by Douglas

I wish the Liberal media would leave poor little Jenna "Anheuser" Bush alone.

She's probably just drunk.

Posted 7/20/2004 05:40:00 PM by Douglas

These have to be fake. There's no way these "Brutally Honest" personal ads can be this brutally honest and this damn funny. I didn't make it through all of them, but this is probably my favourite "woman seeking man" entry:

Well, I don't have syphilis. But my roots are gray, my breasts are shot, and my mother lives with me (late-stage Alzheimer's). I have two ex-husbands and a cat with three legs, and I've never in my life gotten to a single appointment on time. On the other hand, I'm tall and thin, saucy and smart.

Double-X husbands and an feline amputee? Where do I sign up?

Now, for the "man seeking woman" entry:

I am prone to exaggeration, which is both good and bad. For example, I will always tell you that you are prettier than I actually think you are, but I also tend to use words (like underemployed) that make me look prettier than I really am.

Funny stuff. I hope. But I really liked what he had to say about Trivial Pursuit:

I'm good at Trivial Pursuit. In fact, "trivial pursuit" would be a good way to classify my life to this point.

Amen to that, brother.

But if this approach to the personal ad doesn't work, why not try some Objectivist Pickup Lines!

"Okay, enough epistemology. How'd you like to grasp something a bit more physical?"

If that doesn't work on that crazy-assed Objectivist chick in your dorm that's half-way through The Fountainhead, nothing will.

Posted 7/20/2004 05:39:00 PM by Douglas

20,000 Big Macs and counting, and Don Gorske isn't even overweight.

It was love at first bite back in 1972 when Don Gorske of Fond du Lac ate his first Big Mac.

On Monday, he ate his 20,000th McDonald’s Big Mac and still relishes every mouthful.

Gorske, who has gained nationwide fame through his daily habit of stopping for a couple of Big Macs and keeping count, was surrounded by about 200 fans and curiosity seekers, and had microphones and camera lenses stuck in his face as he reached a McMilestone in his unusual avocation.

“It usually takes 16 bites to finish a Big Mac,” he said, “and no, you cannot have the carton (containing the celebrated sandwich) because it’s not for sale. You can’t buy it from me.”

This kind of spits in the eye of current conventional wisdom that says McDonald's is inherently evil and the source of America's obesity. I personally don't know how he can eat it every single day, but Don, here's to you!

“How’d it taste, Don,” asked someone else. “Great. They’re always great,” Gorske responded.

Bon Appétit!

Posted 7/20/2004 05:34:00 PM by Douglas

A hilarious yet fictional (I hope?) account of the exchange of obscenities between Vice President Cheney and Sen. Patrick J. Leahy on the floor of the United States Senate. [read it all]

After Mr. Cheney successfully delivered the epithet and started to walk away, Mr. Leahy—sotto voce—referred to the Vice-President using a term more often heard in taverns and locker rooms than in the august Senate chamber, a term that refers to a sexual act commonly acknowledged as taboo among all cultures that proscribe incestuous contact between a mother and a son.

Mr. Cheney—apparently hearing Mr. Leahy’s remark—stopped, turned, and invited his colleague from across the aisle to engage in a sexual act that is considered a felony in some states, and which involves oral-genital contact.

Mr. Cheney wasted no time in informing Mr. Leahy that he should feel free to perform yet another anatomical impossibility—this one involving aviation, a standard sexual act, and a rolling doughnut.

Damn, dawg. A doughnut! It's go time!

“Oh, it’s like that?” Mr. Cheney queried.

“Whut? Whut?” Mr. Leahy shot back.

“Once again,” Mr. Cheney replied (quite obviously quoting a lyric from Ice Cube’s 1990 album, “AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted”), “it’s on.”

It's on, indeed.

Most of the rhymes kicked therein cannot be quoted in a family publication, but observers gave Mr. Cheney credit for his deceptively laid-back flow. Mr. Leahy was applauded for managing to rhyme the phrases “unethical for certain,” “crude oil spurtin’,” and “like Halliburton.”

Damn that's funny. Most rappers have to make up words to make it rhyme. Certain, spurtin', and Halliburton. . . sheer genius. But you can't have an old-school Senate rumble without the Senior Senator from Massachusetts, can you? Of course not.

Edward M. Kennedy (D.-Mass.) was the first to notice that the two men were circling each other, Mr. Cheney brandishing a switchblade and Mr. Leahy the jagged neck of a broken bottle.

“Oh, snap!” Mr. Kennedy recalls thinking at the time. “It’s getting kind of hectic up in this piece.”

Of course, Teddy had a broken bottle handy for Mr. Leahy, but he had to empy it, first.

How 'bout the epilog?

(In a related story, an AM talk-radio host in Billings, Montana, who expressed his disappointment with the behavior of Mr. Cheney and Mr. Leahy—on the air, he asked his listeners, “Do we taxpayers really have time for this kind of crap?”—was fined five hundred thousand dollars for violating the F.C.C.’s recent, Senate-approved guidelines prohibiting explicit references to human excrement.)

If only every argument in the Senate could be resolved in such a humane manner.

Posted 7/20/2004 05:28:00 PM by Douglas

July 20, 1969. For some, it's just another day. For Marilu Henner, it's the day she lost her virginity (it's true, google it yourself). But to most Americans, it's the day that mankind set foot on another planet.

"That's one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind," said Armstrong.

The words were seared into the memories of the 600 million some people -- about 1/5 of our planet's population -- who watched the broadcast transmitted from the lunar surface.

"For one priceless moment in the whole history of man, the people of this Earth are truly one," said President Richard Nixon.

Then the world said "hey, that was pretty cool. . .now what?" A question we're still trying to answer today. Twenty years in Low-Earth Orbit and the first president with an agenda for NASA refers to Astronauts as "spatial entrepreneurs." A spaceship without a rudder.

But it's not too late for some conspiracy theorists, is it? I won't link to the guys in the tin-foil hats that think we faked it, but if you're looking for some interesting reading about how we didn't fake it, this site's got all you need to know. Also, check out badastronomy.com for some good de-bunking of a bad Fox program. And just in case you wondered why we can't see Astronaut trash from our fancy telescopes, here comes the science.

But I don't think the big picture here is if we went or even why. This story raises some really good questions, about the last "moondoggle" and the prospects of yet another one.

Advocates of new space visions and strategies, including a variety of proposals for a human return to the moon, seem to be still stuck on all the pseudo-motivations of Apollo. We will satisfy our curiosity (“science”), or our greed (“resources”), or our geekiness (“new gadgets”). While all of those things — and more — doubtlessly would follow such a project, they are no more capable of mustering political support for it now than they were for Apollo forty years ago.

Well that's how they're going to try to "sell" it, isn't it? Gadgets or science, both of which are a loss leader when it comes to the third part of that equation: resources.

So, in fear of the outside unknown universe (the “cost of not knowing”), and in fear of our own inner demons (the “cost of not distracting them”), and in a history-based confidence that all the secondary benefits stand a good chance of also being satisfied, the case for returning to the moon can be confidently argued.

And maybe someday, just maybe, when televised images of footsteps in moondust again are displayed to earthlings, it will be in time for some men who have already been there to see. And maybe it will be in time for all of us, too.

That's the cost, isn't it? Sometimes it costs more not to go than it does to totally scrap the program. The day we stop reaching for the unatainable and unimaginable is the day we never see another headline like this one.

Posted 7/20/2004 05:21:00 PM by Douglas

I personally don't think "it was a dark and stormy night" is such a horrible way to start a story, but I still can appreciate the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for what it's worth. For 2004, we have a winner! Inspired by Martha Stewart, no less!

"She resolved to end the love affair with Ramon tonight ... summarily, like Martha Stewart ripping the sand vein out of a shrimp's tail ... though the term 'love affair' now struck her as a ridiculous euphemism ... not unlike 'sand vein,' which is after all an intestine, not a vein ... and that tarry substance inside certainly isn't sand ... and that brought her back to Ramon."

Boy, that's a keeper. Gotta love this quote from the event's organizer:

"Sometimes the entrants are more clever than the judges," he said. "Those people generally lose."

Rule numero uno: Don't be smarter than the judge.

Labels: Bulwer-Lytton

Posted 7/20/2004 05:20:00 PM by Douglas

Dang, what a milestone. This unadulterated sack of puerile incoherence represents the 1,001 post here at crap-blog. Why am I still doing it? Good question, but still better is why are you still here? Oh, that's right. You're not.

If I catch anyone else lurking around here that hasn't already sent me some mail [smail link, to the left], I'm gonna turn this site into a hardcore lesbian sex-site. I'm afraid that only two of my three readers will even notice the difference. You know who you are.

Damn, that sounds an awful lot like a dare. . .

Posted 7/20/2004 05:18:00 PM by Douglas

I've been to/had some wild birthday parties in my day, but Michael P. Monn, you take the cake. Or should I say, the nacho cheese:[Hat tip for the link: Tuey]

According to police, he was stark naked and was carrying a box of Frito Lay snacks and a container of nacho cheese.

"The male had nacho cheese in his hair, on his face and on his shoulders," Maryville Police Department officer Scott Spicer said.

"The nude male had a strong odor of alcohol and was semi-incoherent."

Only a "strong" odor of alcohol and was still "semi" incoherent? Does that imply he was semi-coherent, as well? That may be a stretch.

Investigators suspect Monn climbed an 8-foot fence, broke into the pool snack bar through a window, threw nacho cheese on a wall and scattered chips on the ground.

About $40 in chips and $7 in nacho cheese were stolen.

Monn was charged with burglary, theft of less than $500, vandalism less than $500 and public intoxication and was cited for indecent exposure.

Cut the kid some slack. We've all been there. You're celebrating your birthday, drunk off your naked ass, when suddenly you get the urge for nachos. It's a tale as old as the "Happy Birthday" song itself.

He was held at the Blount County Jail in lieu of a $9,300 bond.

$9,300 bond for stealing less than $50 of nachos? Does the punishment fit the crime?

It was Monn's 23rd birthday.

Happy Birthday, Michael, but it looks like you'd better learn when it's nacho cheese. . .

Posted 7/19/2004 07:46:00 PM by Douglas

Plane runs off runway. What a fascinating story, and by fascinating, I mean not fascinating.

According to news partner NBC6, the jet was landing when it apparently overshot the runway during a driving downpour around 11:45 a.m. The plane and the ground around it was quickly soaked with a foam fire retardant because the plane's fuel tank was leaking. No injuries were reported. Weather may have been a factor in the crash.

Plane lands in "driving downpour." Plane overshoots runway. Weather may have been a factor. This and dozens of other thrilling stories in next month's issue of Duh! magazine.

Posted 7/19/2004 07:17:00 PM by Douglas

I can remember when "theft by check" was all the rage. Now it's all done on computers and appears to be relatively easy.

Banks are supposed to refund any unauthorized withdrawals, but there are fewer consumer protections than there are for fraudulent credit card charges. It is not always easy to convince a bank that a charge is fraudulent, since banks often argue that using the correct account number is proof it was authorized, consumer advocates say.

That can't be right, can it? All you need is account number? Ok, how 'bout this one: 823543. Since I have this account number, do I have authorization to withdraw money from that account? The above paragraph seems to imply that I do, but since I just pulled it out of my butt (it's actually just 7⁷) it's hard to imagine that it'd be hard at all to find a corresponding bank and withdraw all the money from that account. But no one wants that. Banks don't want their business destroyed any more than consumers want to get robbed, so why aren't they stepping up and accepting some liability here? Do they really want to go back to the days of processing billions of checks every year? They're the ones saving money by this electronic processing, so they should accept their share of the risk, just like credit cards have been doing forever.

Also, what's up with this:

It took Greene a few weeks and multiple calls to her bank before she was able to recover the $139 taken from her account. Still, she had to shell out $70 for new checks with the new account number she was given because of the fraud.

$70 for new checks? Good gravy, how many checks is that?

Posted 7/18/2004 04:03:00 PM by Douglas

What a stupid way to hospitalize two people on a motorcycle.

Authorities planned to canvass homes this weekend for information on a prankster who thickly wound clear plastic wrap around traffic poles across a road, causing a motorcycle accident.

Motorcyclist Daniel Buckel, and his girlfriend Theresa Brzykcy were riding on Guthrie Road south of Waukesha, when they crashed Tuesday into the plastic wrap set up 3 to 4 feet above the two-lane road.

Bored teenagers of the world, unite!

Posted 7/18/2004 03:58:00 PM by Douglas

I remember the good old days when you could hang out at the public library and not have to worry about guys coming up to you and offering you money to suck your toes. Sadly, those days are gone:

A 12-year-old told police that she was reading at the library when James M. Kilpatrick, 21, of Greensburg, started kissing her feet, then offered her 22-year-old sister a dollar to let him do the same to her.

At a nearby park, one woman told police she dozed off while sunbathing and woke up to find Kilpatrick sucking her toes. Another woman had her toes sucked when she stopped to read a memorial plaque in the park, police said.

Weird, but it could be worse, I guess.

Posted 7/18/2004 03:29:00 PM by Douglas

The cops on TV always ask if you have weapons on you when they slap the cuff on. So now I guess you're going to have to include that concealed alligator you've got in your pocket.

PORT ORANGE, Fla. - A man hit his girlfriend with a 3-foot alligator and threw beer bottles at her during an argument in the couple's mobile home, authorities said.

David Havenner, 41, was ordered held without bond Saturday on misdemeanor charges of battery and possession of an alligator.

The alligator, which Havenner had been keeping in his bathtub, was turned over to Florida wildlife officials.

Nancy Monico, 39, told investigators that Havenner beat her with his fists, then grabbed the alligator and swung it at her as she tried to escape, sheriff's spokesman Gary Davidson said. She said the animal hit her at least once. She also told authorities that Havenner threw empty beer bottles at her, Davidson said.

Havenner's version of the story differed. He told investigators that Monico bit his hand because she was upset that they had run out of alcohol.

Pretty funny, really, but there are three things about this story that aren't all that surprising:

1. It happened in Florida
2. It happened in a trailer house
3. Alcohol was involved

Posted 7/18/2004 03:25:00 PM by Douglas

What's better than a buffet of truly awful pizza? A really huge buffet of truly awful pizza, naturally

They don't call it "Feces Pizza" for nothing, but what do you expect for $4?

Posted 7/16/2004 06:32:00 PM by Douglas

Does anyone rejoice after reading the headline, " Domed landmark to be parking lot"?? I don't think so, but in this case, it may just be inevitable.

Most recently, the structure served as a bar called The Smithzonian. Before that it was a gay bar called Bubba's. And many people recall eating there with their families decades ago when it was a Mexican food restaurant called El Palacio.

Well if a gay bar can't make it in Amarillo, Texas, then really, the building has no hope. Sad really, when you consider how much dignity it started with.

Robert W. Bauman, 75, said his father, the late Rudy Bauman, operated Air Speed Service Station there from about 1939 to 1943. And he said he recalled that it had existed as a service station before that.

"At the time, it was quite a piece because it has that dome ceiling," Bauman said. "And why anyone would go to that expense, I don't know. It's not easy to do. But for a filling station, that's quite a deal.

"You'd say, 'We're in that filling station - the one with the domed ceiling."' The dome was painted gold then, he said.

"The family didn't particularly like the gay bar part, but we never did make an issue about it," said Jim Mullane Sr., 59, son of Naomi and P.H. Mullane.

Well, what are ya gonna do? It's just not worth the money, is it?

The building has a value of $53,000, but structural damage requires repairs that would exceed $20,000, city planners say. It will require an asbestos abatement before it can be destroyed.

Figure in the fact that no one wants it, and the damages that are almost 40% of its value, well, you don't have to be a CPA to figure this one out. It's still kinda sad, in a way. You can't help but look at the pictures and think of the wide-eyed entrepreneur in 1939 that was going to get rich selling gas and tires. But then again, you've got today's reality.

"I'm glad to see the church get it," said the elder Jim Mullane. "You hate to see the building go. But since my folks aren't there, you know, they're in our hearts, so that doesn't really matter now."

Amen to that, brother. Sometimes a picture is better than a landmark. If not for progress (whatever that is), we'd be squatting in a cave in Europe, praying to the harvest god we don't get dysentery this summer. But still, it's a beautiful building, and it's sad that it's going to be a church parking lot now:

Posted 7/16/2004 06:11:00 PM by Douglas

I'm all for worship of The Simpson's, but this may be overdoing it by just a tad.

Savage and many scholars increasingly see "The Simpsons" as a top-notch social and political satire. No one is exempt from its zingers, whether it's environmentalists or religious conservatives. He says its up-to-the-minute cultural allusions, from "Survivor" to medicinal marijuana, make it just as effective in working on multiple levels as the classic novel "Gulliver's Travels" was almost three centuries ago.

Well, duh, but let's not confuse great satire with great literature, and this is a far cry from glassy-eyed undergrads that need an easy humanities credit and want to take "The History of Pop-Culture." That one does service to no one. Now or the finally bit of hyperbole:

"The only thing that's keeping them from being a piece of art like 'Don Quixote' or 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' is a couple hundred years," he said.

That's a definite stretch. The Simpson's writers have, without a doubt, churned out a heck of a lot more stinkers than Shakespeare did.

Posted 7/15/2004 08:07:00 PM by Douglas

Yay Missouri! By passing the 0.08% BAL/DWI law, you insured dollars from the Federal Highway tit will continue to flow, but look at the numbers. DWI arrests are up 14%, yet drunk driving deaths (whatever that means) are up 12%! Are we winning yet, MADD?

And as long as I'm shamelessly poaching links from The Agitator, check out this post about the nanny-state that used to be called New Mexico. They want ignition interlock devices installed on all cars sold in New Mexico.

See this is why there aren't more libertarians in this country. When you start looking at things sensibly, you just get pissed off, drunk, and turn on the TV.

Speaking of, isn't Paris Hilton on tonight? I hope I didn't miss that trainwreck.

Posted 7/15/2004 08:02:00 PM by Douglas

From The Agitator, a very, very bad idea.

Run. Run like hell.

Amen, brother.

Posted 7/15/2004 07:58:00 PM by Douglas

For some reason I think this is pretty interesting. I'd like to look at it before I bought it, but then again, if I looked at it as closely as I wanted to, I probably wouldn't buy it. Oh well, I guess I'll suffer without it, unless Santa reads this blog, and I'm pretty sure Santa is busy elsewhere.

Posted 7/15/2004 07:45:00 PM by Douglas

How did we defeat the evil empire? Simple. Our Pac-man was better than their Pac-man, or Poly-Play.

The Poly Play videogame was Eastern Bloc's answer to the capitalist's Pac Man but resembles something more like on old-fashioned TV set in a tall wooden cabinet.
Nevertheless, with up to eight games, a simple firing button and 8-way joystick, and a slot to take tokens rather than coins, the Poly Play is, in fact, less grim than it sounds.

Simon Webb, the curator of Swindon's Museum of Computing told BBC Wiltshire, "The story goes that this was the only arcade approved machine to be produced in East Germany and they used to go into places like municipal swimming pool and leisure centres.

"When the Berlin Wall came down, for some strange reason they recalled the machines to the factory and had them dismantled. A few were salvaged. There were probably about 1000-1500 made."

Even though I was a child of the 80s, I always thought Pac-Man was stupid, so I don't think the Rooskies really missed out on much. Other than the sound effects, but Lileks, as usual, nails that one:

The Evil Empire wasn’t just evil, it was also pathetic: behold the Eastern Bloc’s answer to Pac Man, “Poly Play.” It had no sound. Kids had to say “wocka-wocka-wocka” themselves as they played. You can imagine how your average East German kid would play this thing and realize, instantly, that it was an utterly insuperior knockoff, and that he lived in a failed society incapable of giving him anything that people in the West so casually enjoyed.

They even stole our fonts. Losers.

I read that part this morning, and I've had the "wocka-wocka-wocka" part stuck in my head all damn day. Thanks, James.

Posted 7/15/2004 07:15:00 PM by Douglas

Next to Pop-up ads and broken pr0n links, one of the things on the web that really gets my dander up is newspapers that require registration. Who the hell do these punks think they are? Do they think I'm going to register with them, or spend 7.2 seconds googling the story elsewhere. Apparently, I'm not alone, and it looks like Google itself is going to bury these troglodytes like The New York Times.

But recently, when I googled the terms "Iraq torture prison Abu Ghraib" -- certainly one of the most intensively covered news stories of the year -- the first New York Times article was the 295th search result, trailing the New Yorker, Guardian, ABC and CBS News, New York Post, MSNBC, Slate, CNN, Sydney Morning Herald, Denver Post, USA Today, Bill O'Reilly on FoxNews and a host of others news sites.

What's more, tons of other non-traditional news sources came ahead of the Times, including a number of blogs and low-budget rabble-rousers like Antiwar.com, CounterPunch, truthout and Beliefnet (a site dedicated to spirituality). So did Al-Jazeera (twice). But the Times still ranked low, even after it plastered an Abu Ghraib story on its front page for 32 straight days between May and June. And Google isn't the only one to shun the Times: I got similar results from other search engines (AltaVista, Lycos, Yahoo).

You're not selling papers on the corner anymore, ya morons. If you want me to read the story on your site and see your banner ads, you're going to have to let me do it without my name & email.

I'll admit, I've registered for a few of these moron-athons, but now when I see the dreaded "Registration Required" banner, I hit the Google button quicker than a cocaine addicted rat in a graduate school psyc experiment.

Posted 7/15/2004 06:57:00 PM by Douglas

Why does this story make me think that John Edwards would be the kind of guy in front of you at Wendy's that would have to search in his wife's purse for 10 minutes for the last quarter for his burger?

He's worth millions and could afford the fanciest restaurant in town, but Democratic vice presidential nominee Sen. John Edwards and his wife celebrate each wedding anniversary at a fast-food joint.

The Edwards' have made a romantic ritual out of toasting their nuptials at food chain Wendy's, a tradition that will continue on their 27th anniversary this year.

"Wendy's, we go to Wendy's for our anniversary," the North Carolina senator told NBC's "Today" show on Thursday.

Elizabeth Edwards said on their first anniversary they were moving house, looking "grungy and awful" and so instead of going somewhere fancy they chose Wendy's.

"The next year, for some reason we found ourselves at Wendy's again," said Mrs. Edwards.

The millionaire trial lawyer described his wife as the "love of my life" and Mrs. Edwards said it was her husband's optimism rather than good looks that first attracted her.

I guess that's supposed to be cute, eh? A multi-millionaire chowing down on a burger on his anniversary? I know this story is designed to humanize this guy, but what exactly is endearing about a personal injury trial attorney worth millions that wants to be the veep so he can stand up to all those evil white guys that make over $200,000 a year that are trying to run away with the country?

Hey John, do you want fries with that super-sized irony? Sorry, we're out of our regular ketchup. Is Hunt's OK?

Posted 7/15/2004 06:48:00 PM by Douglas

The top 10 Dumb Moments in Sci-Fi Cinema and that has got to be a really hard list to pare down to just 10, but this is a pretty good list. Except for The Matrix. I have no idea why people like that 6 hour crap-fest.

But what's good about this list is that it not only includes the Why it's so dumb justification, but it also includes the Why we don't care category, because obviously, we don't.

Posted 7/14/2004 09:39:00 PM by Douglas

Give it up for Jenna Bush! After four years at UT, Jenna has decided on a career of teaching ten year olds.

Seated beside first lady Laura Bush in a classroom Wednesday, the 22-year-old college graduate laughed when it was their turn to read aloud with students at Hueytown Elementary School. She got through the exercise and asked a question relevant for the moment.

"What grade is this?" said Jenna, who plans to teach this fall.

"Second grade," eight 7-year-olds said in unison.

"I'm going to teach fourth grade," Jenna said.

Later, she introduced her mother on a bigger stage — a private, $500-per-person luncheon that raised $500,000 for Republican candidates nationwide. For $5,000, donors could have their photo with Mrs. Bush.

What a lovely transition. From a $500 a plate luncheon, to $35K a year shouting at glassy-eyed, doughy ten year olds. Pardon my cynicism, but why is it that I think that Jenna might just retire after November 2nd?

Posted 7/14/2004 09:28:00 PM by Douglas

Here's to you Mitch. Way to know when your fifteen minutes is up. The DotComGuy apparently milked this for all it's worth four years ago.

A Dallas man who legally changed his name to DotComGuy changed it back Tuesday - to Mitch Maddox.

In 2000, Maddox stayed home living off purchases made on the Internet. 24-hour internet video footage of his life attracted worldwide media attention.

He later got married, and Tuesday he and his wife, Anne, appeared in court to legally change their names to Maddox.

I've got one word for Mr. DotComGuy Maddox: uxoriousness.

Posted 7/13/2004 10:43:00 PM by Douglas

Shamelessly pilfered from The Daily Show, Bush's speech Monday at Oak Ridge National Laboratory seemed to have a common theme. Let's see if I can pick up on it:

• America is safer because of your service at Oak Ridge.
• Today, because we acted to liberate Afghanistan, a threat has been removed, and the American people are safer.
• Today, because we're working with the Pakistani leaders, Pakistan is an ally in the war on terror, and the American people are safer.
• Today, because Saudi Arabia has seen the danger and has joined the war on terror, the American people are safer.
• Today, because America and our coalition helped to end the violent regime of Saddam Hussein, and because we're helping to raise a peaceful democracy in its place, the American people are safer.
• Today, because the Libyan government saw the seriousness of the civilized world, and correctly judged its own interests, the American people are safer.
• We have ended one of the most dangerous sources of proliferation in the world, and the American people are safer.
• Today, because America has acted, and because America has led, the forces of terror and tyranny have suffered defeat after defeat, and America and the world are safer.

OK George, we get it. You don't have to say it eight times in one speech to drive it home. Looks like his speachwriters are geeting too many miles out of that cut & paste operation.

Posted 7/13/2004 07:09:00 PM by Douglas

A longtime blog reader has pointed out a theme to the blog, and that has to do with pissing inconsistencies. The post from yesterday about men standing to pee is a great companion piece to the post from last November about women standing to pee. Let's be fair now: If anyone is going to pee down their leg, then everyone has to pee down their leg.

Posted 7/13/2004 04:54:00 PM by Douglas

When it comes to assessing the threat of AIDS around the globe, it important to first ask, what does Richard Gere think?

"A vicious terrorist is out there. It is not Osama bin Laden, it is AIDS," Hollywood actor Richard Gere told the conference. "The biggest threat to our livelihood, our happiness is AIDS."

Thanks, Dick, but why don't you leave the global pandemics to the experts, and stick to things you know about. Has anyone seen my gerbil? I digress.

The World Health Organization's AIDS Conference met in Bangkok "for the love of God use a condom" Thailand, to discuss the real source of Africa's AIDS nightmare: United States drug companies.

Some developing countries such as Thailand, India and Brazil are making cheap generic drugs but not enough to reach everybody. Some 38 million people are infected with HIV, mostly in poor countries: 25 million in sub-Saharan Africa and 7.2 million in Asia.

French officials accused the United States of pressuring poor countries to relinquish rights to make the generic drugs in return for free-trade agreements. In a written statement to the conference, President Jacques Chirac called that tactic "tantamount to blackmail."

Hold the phone, Frenchie, the US and Europe are responsible for treating everyone in the world with free antiretroviral drugs? Lack of mediation didn't give these people AIDS, so why should private European and US companies be forced to give up their patented drug rights to the rest of the world? When Jacques Chirac read Atlas Shrugged, I bet he thought it was hilarious. But you can't have an event like this without celebrities, can you? Que the protestors!

A group of African protesters interrupted a French minister delivering Chirac's message to demand more AIDS funding from developed G-8 countries.

"Shame! Shame!" they chanted in harmony for nearly a minute. Activists at the venue also have splashed red paint on posters of the G-8 leaders.

Gere is among several celebrities -- also including actress Ashley Judd and senior African statesman Nelson Mandela -- at the 15th conference, which draws a mix of science and activism.

Ah yes, a healthy mix of the over-exposed and the ignorant. The fact that this event even allows Hollywood to have a voice in the matter shows how ridiculously insincere they are about actually trying to solve this problem. Does anyone in sub-Saharan Africa even know who Richard Gere is? Does anyone else actually care about his opinion?

The longer we give a voice to those that think that AIDS is spread by lack of funding, the longer the line is going to be at the African orphanage.

Posted 7/12/2004 08:23:00 PM by Douglas

Having resolved all other calamities that plague mankind, Mothers are now going after the most offensive affront to face our homes: peeing while standing.

Fact: The reality is men can NOT pee standing up without getting as much as a stray drop on the seat or the outside surface of the toilet. Fragmentation of the urine stream causes particles of urine to dissipate. The larger the distance urine has to travel, the bigger the dissipation radius gets.

I had no idea how traumatic this experience was to 50% of the population. But let's say they get there way. They "transform the way the world goes to the bathroom by year 2010?" Then some little boy is on a camping trip and he tries to piss out a campfire by sitting on it?

This stance isn't without merit, but it's obviously got some flaws when it comes to camp fire extinguishing. Not to mention snow writing.

Posted 7/12/2004 08:17:00 PM by Douglas

Tropical soda apples. Kinda sounds tasty, doesn't it? Not in East Texas, where it has now earned the moniker, "Weed from Hell."

Called alternately the "plant from hell" and "Sodom's apples" in Florida, the thorny weed can quickly take over pastures, first displacing the grass, then the cattle, said Dr. Mary Ketchersid, Texas Cooperative Extension pesticide safety specialist.

Ketchersid said she doesn't want to sound like an alarmist, but the weed has caused economic disaster for agricultural producers in other states.

"I think we need to be scared. People need to be watching for it," she said.

This sounds like the beginning of a really bad Sci-Fi flick. Either that, or the saga of the dreaded spotted knapweed of Montana.

Posted 7/12/2004 08:14:00 PM by Douglas

Ever wonder where that crappy furniture that seems to inhabit every elementary school in the country comes from? Now I know. Someone spends their Saturdays making it. Even though it was made with scrap lumber and rusty nails, it was always strong enough to dance the Hokey Pokey on. It had to be. Here's to hoping the second crapiest shelf ever built has a long and usefull life.

Posted 7/12/2004 06:54:00 PM by Douglas

Strange things might happen if you eat an entire bag of hallucinogenic mushrooms, but how do you drive a pair of cars? At the same time?

A Delaware college student ate a bag of hallucinogenic mushrooms and drove around in a pair of stolen cars before arriving, confused, on a mountain in northwest Connecticut police said.

Paul Cunningham, 21, hiked to a nearby home Thursday night and asked to call 911, police said.

I think I stole a car," Cunningham told a dispatcher. "I'm not sure."

Police said Cunningham, of Dover, Del., confessed that eating an entire bag of mushrooms, "probably wasn't a good idea." He allegedly told investigators that he had no idea how many laws he broke during a three-day excursion that took him 300 miles from home.

That's got to be the understatement of the year.

Posted 7/12/2004 06:35:00 PM by Douglas

I've been looking for a change of scenery. I think it's time I bought my own private island. As much fun as it must be to be king of your own island, I bet it's more trouble than it's worth. That's why I need an army first. . .

Posted 7/12/2004 06:22:00 PM by Douglas

In no way am I trying to belittle or diminish the pain and suffering forced upon Ms. Schieffelin, but $12 Million for being passed up for a promotion? Is this justice, or a Lotto payout?

Wall Street brokerage Morgan Stanley agreed Monday to pay $54 million to settle claims of widespread sex discrimination at the firm, including strip-club outings with clients and higher pay for men.

The settlement was announced just as a jury, including eight women, was to hear a trial in the case, brought by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and former Morgan Stanley bond seller Allison Schieffelin.

Schieffelin, who claimed she was denied promotions at the firm because she is a woman, will be paid $12 million under the settlement, with $40 million earmarked for claims filed by other women at the firm.

Can we all agree that discrimination is wrong? Ok, good. Now what the hell does this solve? She's got so much money she'll never have to work again, her lawyers get enough to take some of the junior partners to a strip club, but is anything going to change from this? Why am I so doubtful? Why does this make her look like a militant, money-hungry opportunist?

Here's a open memo to my employer: For $12 Mil?? Oppress me. Hell, you can oppress the hell out of and I'd settle out of court for half that ammount.

Also gotta love this picture. When I first glanced at it, even before I read the story, It didn't look like she was holding a raincoat. It looked like a giant sack of money, with huge $$ on the side of it. I guess that would have been more appropriate.

Posted 7/12/2004 06:20:00 PM by Douglas

Rest in peace Weezie.

Actress Isabel Sanford, best known as "Weezie," Louise Jefferson on the television sitcom "The Jeffersons," died of natural causes, her publicist said Monday. She was 86.

Dang, I had no idea she was 58 when she started The Jeffersons. She sure didn't look it.

Posted 7/12/2004 06:15:00 PM by Douglas

What if you could take a peek at the world's photo album? Well this guy figured out how to link to jpegs in people's public accounts, and viola! [from The Agitator.]

It really is amazing. I think 1,000 words is selling some of these a little short. And I keep scanning through them out of some voyeuristic curiosity that I might find a picture of someone I know, or even more disturbing, me.

Posted 7/10/2004 05:22:00 PM by Douglas

See ya in 2021, ya horny red-eyed, winged fornicators!

Their droning love songs have faded, the skies are free of their tumbling flights and the carcasses that littered sidewalks have washed away.

The Brood X cicadas, vintage 2004, are gone.

But in the trees of several mid-Atlantic and Midwest states, the next generation is just beginning its 17-year life. Within the next few weeks, billions of eggs deposited in tree branches will hatch and rain down tiny white nymphs no bigger than sesame seeds with beady red eyes.

They will burrow through the dirt to tree roots and won't emerge as adults until 2021.

Until 2021. . . we'll miss you. Well, not all of us.

Posted 7/10/2004 02:47:00 PM by Douglas

Finally, we can put an end to the age-old question: Who is more annoying, math geeks or baseball geeks? I think this article clearly proves, it's math geeks.

Home base shall be marked by a five-sided slab of whitened rubber. It shall be a 12-inch square with two of the corners filled in so that one edge is 17 inches long, two are 8 1/2 inches and two are 12 inches.

Something about these numbers puzzled Bradley. "Wait a minute," he thought. "That 17 should be 12 times the square root of 2. It can't be an integer. It has to be an irrational number."

Indeed, the diagram implies the existence of a right triangle with sides 12, 12, and 17, and that's not quite a Pythagorean triple: 122 + 122 = 288 and 172 = 289.

At first, the discrepancy bothered Bradley.

Bradley needs a date.

Posted 7/10/2004 02:13:00 PM by Douglas

It really is good to see the Amarillo Globe News celebrate the spirit of volunteerism, but as I've said before, I think the essence of the deed is tarnished a bit when Jell-O wrasslin' is involved. This time, meet Ashlan Jackson, Junior class organizer of the Jell-O Jam, where "students wrestled teachers in a pool of Jell-O on Halloween." Her comments weren't nearly as amusing as Ms. Stone's:

• Volunteer's comments:

"I volunteered with this organization because I wanted to become more involved in the community and to give back," said Jackson.

We all help out in our own way, I suppose.

Posted 7/07/2004 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

Imagine that? Something you read on the internet might actually not be true?!? The Horror! This is, by far, the best characterization of bloggers I've read to date:

. . . those lonely guys who write withering and anonymous social commentary in their underpants.

Ouch. But rest assured, this blog isn't fake. It genuinely sucks.

Posted 7/05/2004 12:56:00 PM by Douglas

There's never going to be any good news that follows a statement like this:

A radiological investigation report released to the Environmental Protection Agency reveals details about some little-known radiological incidents at the Pantex Plant.

Uh oh. This is the kind of thing that you're just better off not knowing.

• 1961 - Plutonium was released inside a "Gravel Gertie" assembly cell during an unspecified manufacturing incident.
• 1979 - Rainwater collected in an unsealed underground concrete storage container in the Nuclear Weapons Accident Residue site.
• 1986 - Depleted uranium was released when exhaust fans were turned on and off several times following a test detonation.
• 1989 - A valve malfunction in a tritium gas container released the container's contents inside a weapons assembly cell. A portion of the tritium gas was vented immediately from the area into the atmosphere. About two hours after the incident, Pantex officials decided to vent the remaining tritium to prevent buildup in remaining buildings. Most of the tritium released was dispersed into the atmosphere.

In a word, oops.

Posted 7/04/2004 06:20:00 PM by Douglas

It's always heart-warming to see the members of a small town come together to rescue an escaped parrot.

A desperate parrot escaped from her cell at the Wellington Medical Clinic and held would-be captors at bay for about three tension-filled hours last week.

Stitch, a bright green Quaker parrot, apparently decided enough was enough and made her daring break when her handler, Joe Meegan, opened Stitch's cell door to give her a fresh dish of water.

She suddenly jumped up and flew out," Meegan said. "She actually circled the courthouse three times. She was impressive. She looked like a hawk or a falcon."

Slow news day? It gets better.

Some birdbrains in the crowd suggested using a trained cat or a shotgun to end the standoff, but Stitch's owner, DeJon O'Rear, nixed those ideas.

They say the quickest way to get a bird in the hand is through its stomach, or something like that. O'Rear hit on the idea of a bribe to capture the particularly parlous parrot.

She dug out a bag of Stitch's favorite treat, Dos Sombreros tortilla chips, and Stitch melted.

"She really likes those chips," Meegan said. "I bet she would learn to play the piano for the right amount of chips."

Not quite as dramatic as a little girl trapped in a well, but at least it had a happy ending.

Posted 7/04/2004 06:11:00 PM by Douglas

Ultralights: a truly effective way to kill yourself.

A Monaville man taking his first flight in his ultralight was killed Saturday when the aircraft crashed in a remote pasture in Waller County.

That's just too bad, but why anyone would want to trust their live to a lawnmower engine strapped to a sheet of canvas is totally beyond me.

"It's a good, safe sport. Just like with anything else, things happen," Fox said. "We're not going to stop flying. Everybody knows what the situation is going into this -- when you add a third dimension to your sports, when you start adding altitude, you know what you're getting into, when you get into the seat. You know you're taking a chance -- you're living on the edge."

Quite a sublime statement for an ultralight pilot

Posted 7/04/2004 06:09:00 PM by Douglas

For those looking for a recipie for Possom Pot Pie, this page if for you.

Posted 7/04/2004 05:54:00 PM by Douglas

The real cause for the civilization as we know it: beer.

Also, there is something called The Beer Institute and I'm just now finding out about it?

Posted 7/01/2004 05:54:00 PM by Douglas

So it's come to this: The war on drugs has found a new front line in rural, small farming communities in the Texas Panhandle.

Childress Independent School District students have another reason to say no to drugs.

The district's board of trustees voted June 22 to start random drug testing for all seventh- through 12th-grade students involved in extracurricular activities.

Childress, a Class 3A district located about 100 miles southeast of Amarillo, typically has 70 to 75 percent of its students participating in extracurricular activities, Wilson said. That includes band, FFA and University Interscholastic League academics - not just sports, he said.

This raises some very interesting question. So 75% of the student body is going to be tested, and the community is whole-heatedly behind this initiative (according to the board) but who is going to pay for it? The "random" testing, the enforcement? Are the same Childress County tax payers that support this plan the same parents that can't get a straight answer from their kids as to their whereabouts on an average Saturday night? If the parents were really concerned with their kids saying no to drugs, then they would do something about it as opposed to waiting for the Childress ISD to step in and save them from themselves. But it gets better:

"Testing positive is not a legal offense," he said.

Why? It's illegal, isn't it? The precedent that's being laid down is that drugs are unacceptable, right? Why not turn them over to the CPD as soon as they test positive? Is missing a year of band too much of a penalty? What about the other illegal substances commonly found in high school students? Are there going to be road blocks set up between Childress and Estelline to make sure none of the demon alcohol makes it into a Childress High pep rally?

Doesn't Childress have more important things to worry about, like say, synchronizing the stop lights on U.S. 287? Geez, it takes ten minutes to get through that one horse town.

Posted 7/01/2004 05:20:00 PM by Douglas

It take a certain type of person to pull off an armed robbery, but it takes an even bigger asshole to pull something like this.

A 24-year-old man was shot to death because he asked robbers for his wallet back after they took his money early today, police said.

The robbery happened about 2 a.m. in the parking lot of an apartment complex in the 11200 block of Olympia, as the victim was taking his girlfriend home from a date.

Police said two armed robbers confronted the couple, searched the man's pockets, and were leaving with their loot when the victim commented that they could leave his wallet, without its money.

One of the men turned back and fired several shots, killing the victim, whose name has not yet been released.

What the hell is that all about? Why would you shoot someone after you rob them?

Posted 7/01/2004 05:17:00 PM by Douglas

And now, for no particular reason, kitties!