Posted 2/28/2009 04:09:00 PM by Douglas

At least she's got plans!

"I've got dreams a lot bigger than this dump," Meyer continued. "I'm only doing this because there's no way I'll ever come close to achieving those dreams."

Meyer, 24, accepted her current position three months ago to "pick up a little extra cash" for food, clothing, and shelter. She told reporters that stripping allows her the freedom to barely chip away at her enormous debt while still being able to save absolutely nothing for the future.

As usual, The Onion is just a little too close to reality to be funny, but this one if freakin' hysterical.

In addition to putting herself through a bleak and hopeless existence by cheapening herself nightly, Meyer is also supporting her abusive, unemployed boyfriend, 34-year-old James Keller.

Meyer claimed that much of her money, as well as all of her remaining faith in humanity, will go to Keller just until he gets back on his feet and runs off with another stripper, most likely one of Meyer's close friends.

"I'm just helping Jimmy out until he gets me pregnant and takes off to go live with his mom in Oklahoma," Meyer said. "After we get over that hump, it'll just be me and his bastard kid, who will destroy both any chance I ever had of dating a decent guy, as well as our only source of income: my taut, lean body."

Well, there's always plan B:

"Nina is a wonderful gal with a great head on her shoulders," Lewiston said while leering dangerously at Meyer. "Hell, if she tries hard enough and develops a meth habit, she could fatally overdose and be out of Klassy Dolls in just a few months."

Dare to dream the impossible dream.

Labels: the onion

Posted 2/28/2009 03:26:00 PM by Douglas

The recession: what don't kill you can only make you stronger. Assuming you're not dead. And that ought to teach those greedy boomers something.

These are people who started their working lives at a time when labour unions were strong, taxpayers outnumbered retirees nearly 10 to one, housing was as cheap as borscht and the basic personal exemption covered most of a living wage. They congratulated themselves on building an elaborate “social safety net” at the expense of their children. Their great numbers have allowed their preferences and superstitions to dominate culture and media. They’re the ones who burned through tonnes of pot and then launched a War on Drugs when they grew bored with it; they drove mighty-bowelled Mustangs and Thunderbirds in their youth, and only started worrying about the environment when they no longer needed a capacious backseat to fornicate in; they espoused and took full advantage of sexual liberation, but were safely hors de combat by the time AIDS reared its head. The first time I see one shopping for dog food, I doubt I’ll be able to suppress a laugh.

A bit of an oversimplification, but I like the sentiment. Problems never get solved by those that created them.

I'm hesitant to embrace the recession, per se, since I got some pretty bad news at work this week, but if that's what it's going to take to see some tanning/nail salons close down, I'm all for it.

Posted 2/28/2009 12:27:00 PM by Douglas

Another one.

State troopers seized more than 6,100 grams of methamphetamine Thursday afternoon during traffic stop on Interstate 40 near Amarillo, the Department of Public Safety said.

Labels: I-40 Drug Bust

Posted 2/28/2009 11:58:00 AM by Douglas

I don't see the division of blankets with armholes being settled in my lifetime.

But it turns out that the Snuggie is actually the imitator.

The Slanket, another blanket with sleeves, predates the Snuggie by more than two years.

Advertising doesn't sell the steak, it sells the sizzle, and that's exactly what snuggie did. If you think that poorly produced commercials of shut-ins watching TV with a backwards robe is sizzle. But they did something right to move four million of those things. So what's the creator of the slanket to do?

Mr. Clegg said he would not pursue legal action against Snuggie because when he approached patent lawyers while developing the Slanket, he was told a design patent for it would not be feasible.

This is the things our courts need to be deciding. But let's not forget about the freedom blanket. And then there's this. This parody says what we're all thinking:

Posted 2/27/2009 05:26:00 PM by Douglas

Texas, remember this when this ass-clown wants to be your senator.

Mayor Bill White accepted responsibility for the widely disparaged plan for using public funds to pay some home buyers’ personal debts, saying he was not clear on the details and that the idea should have been reviewed more thoroughly.

The program would have allowed up to $3,000 in city grants to individuals trying to pay off personal debt to boost credit scores to qualify for mortgages in underserved Houston neighborhoods.

“I didn’t know it involved a grant, and I thought it was a grant to the bank,” White said. “But I’m not absolving myself of the responsibility.”

At least he took credit for it.

Posted 2/27/2009 06:51:00 AM by Douglas

Two more drug busts. It's getting hard to keep up with this.

Labels: I-40 Drug Bust

Posted 2/26/2009 08:25:00 PM by Douglas

The other shoe is about to drop in the credit crisis: Consumer Credit. Example: AmEx is going to pay you to take your debt somewhere else while you still can.

American Express may want you to leave home without it.

Battered by mounting credit card losses, AmEx is offering $300 to certain cardholders who pay off their balances and close their accounts.

"We sent the offer out to a select number of card members," said Molly Faust, a company spokeswoman. "We are looking at different ways that we can manage credit risk based on the customers' overall credit profile."

The company did not say how many cardholders would receive the offer.

Cardholders have until the end of this month to accept the offer and must close their accounts in March or April. Each cardholder will receive a $300 prepaid American Express card.

Now that's brilliant. Find the middle rung people, and get rid of them with a quick shot of $300 in a gift card that they're probably going to lose, anyway.

Labels: Credit Card Collapse

Posted 2/26/2009 06:43:00 PM by Douglas

Aggies: never underestimate dumb people in large groups.

Two members of the Texas A&M Corps of Cadets, including a student from Katy, were indicted on hazing charges stemming from an incident that happened in October.

A Brazos County grand jury indicted Philip McCaslin, 20, of Katy, and David Blackerby, 20, of College Station. The cadet members are accused of forcing Clayton Williams, 19, a freshman, to do unauthorized exercises.

David Williams said his son was forced to run, do pull-ups and other unauthorized exercises for almost two hours.

You cross the city limits sign entering College Station, you deserve what you get.

Posted 2/26/2009 06:37:00 PM by Douglas

The stripper with the heart of gold that went stabby stabby on her husband after she tied him up, then buried his body in the yard is asking to update her sentence. Who the hell is paying for her attorney?

Wright's attorney, Brian Wice, had sought a new trial because he maintained that her original attorney had provided an ineffective defense. Wallace denied the request for a new trial, but recommended the new punishment phase.

That could backfire, however, since a new jury could choose a lengthier sentence, up to life in prison.

Wice contended that jurors should have heard from some important witnesses in the original trial, including an expert on sudden passion; an expert on battered-wife syndrome; and Misty McMichael, who had dated Jeffrey Wright before he married Susan.

McMichael testified in a hearing in October that she suffered physical abuse at the hands of Jeffrey Wright during the period she dated him about 1989 to 1991.

So it's the "he beat me" route now. Four years ago it was improper methods by the D.A. I hope they up her sentence for wasting the court's time.

Posted 2/26/2009 06:46:00 AM by Douglas

It's always the squirrel's fault.

A 17-minute power outage Wednesday morning can be blamed on a squirrel.

Xcel Energy Spokesman Wes Reeves said about 3,000 customers in Borger lost power at 9:55 a.m.

"The squirrel got into the West Borger Substation," Reeves said.

Squirrels are the "chief offenders" for power outages when the weather is not a factor, Reeves said.

Ha! "Chief Offenders!"

Posted 2/25/2009 09:30:00 PM by Douglas

If you can't keep it in the trunk, keep it in the family.

A father and son were arrested Monday morning for allegedly transporting 42 pounds of marijuana.

Troopers with the Texas Department of Public Safety stopped a Dodge pickup for speeding and equipment violation on Interstate 40 near McLean.

This thread may need its own spin-off blog.

Labels: I-40 Drug Bust

Posted 2/24/2009 05:47:00 PM by Douglas

I've got a great idea to help the economy! Let's take public money, give it to underqualified borrowers to artificially inflate their credit score so they can get a mortgage! Then, we give loans to people we know are higher risk for defaulting in areas of town no one want to live? We get people to buy houses no one wants with money we know won't get paid back!! What could go wrong?!? Oh yeah, everything!

The “Credit Score Enhancement Program” would have given up to $3,000 in grants to individuals who are trying to qualify for mortgages through the city’s homebuyers assistance program. City officials say some applicants fall short of eligibility by only 10 or 20 points on their credit scores, and paying off some debt balances can quickly improve their numbers.

The city has three programs that provide grants for down payments and closing costs for qualified homebuyers. The most generous one offers a $37,500 grant to buy a home that costs $135,000 or less, but only in certain disadvantaged Houston neighborhoods the city is trying to revitalize. Participants cannot earn more than 80 percent of the Houston median income.

First off, where does 'extra' money come from? There are still people homeless from Ike for crap's sake. And just how STOOPID do you have to be to come up with this plan? Propping up someone's credit rating to get a mortgage? That's what a fucking credit rating is for!

When I first read this, I thought it was an early April Fool's Day joke, or someone at the Onion.com pulled one over on the Chronicle. Sadly, that was not the case.

Even more sad is that this jack-assery had to get national attention from Drudge before the city council realized how blisteringly stupid it was.

There is no hope for this country.

Posted 2/24/2009 05:05:00 PM by Douglas

The cops on I-40 continue to get incredibly lucky.

According to the Texas Department of Public Safety, Barry Dillard, 38, of Greensboro, N.C., was speeding in a Chevrolet van on Interstate 40 in Carson County near Conway. Dillard was traveling home from California. DPS said Dillard gave permission for a vehicle search, which led troopers to discover 415 pounds of marijuana valued around $134,875. The marijuana was found inside two refrigerators stored in the back of the van.

The second stop happened around 9:30 p.m. According to DPS, Helen Johnson was stopped near Conway for speeding in a Chrysler passenger car. Troopers said Johnson and her passenger, Reginald Johnson, showed "signs of criminal activity." Johnson gave troopers permission to search the vehicle. Troopers found 24 pounds of marijuana and 2,000 grams of cocaine in the trunk, worth $7,800 and $146,000, respectively.

Labels: I-40 Drug Bust

Posted 2/24/2009 12:04:00 PM by Douglas

And again.

A traffic stop near Bushland led to the discovery of 7½ pounds of marijuana and 85 grams of hashish.

According to the Texas Department of Public Safety, a 2003 F-150 pickup was stopped for speeding at 1:47 p.m. on Interstate 40.

Labels: I-40 Drug Bust

Posted 2/23/2009 05:06:00 PM by Douglas

Let's drink our way out of this recession!

A handful of state legislatures have declared it's closing time for Sunday alcohol sales restrictions, saying an extra day of sales could give their foundering budgets a much-needed shot of revenue. Those states - Georgia, Connecticut, Texas, Alabama and Minnesota - enjoy overwhelming voter support for an extra day of sales, but face opposition from members of the Christian right, who say that selling on Sunday undermines safety and tears apart families. "During times of economic stress, our families are under enough pressure," says Jim Beck, the president of the Georgia Christian Coalition. "I don't think we need to add even more pressure to those families by passing this law."

Blue Laws are dumb. The government telling you when you can buy stuff is even dumber than then telling you what you can buy, but I don't see how the coffers of the states are going to be filled instantly, nor do I think that the family unit is instantly going to collapse just because the state suddenly doesn't require you to buy your liquor on Saturday before 9 p.m.

Posted 2/22/2009 01:27:00 PM by Douglas

This is a funny guy!

President Barack Obama has committed hundreds of billions of dollars to help revive the economy and is working on a plan to cut the federal deficit in half by the end of his first term.

Obama will touch on his efforts to restore fiscal discipline at a White House fiscal policy summit on Monday and in an address to Congress on Tuesday. On Thursday he plans to send at least a summary of his first budget request to Capitol Hill. The bottom line, said an administration official Saturday, is to halve the federal deficit to $533 billion by the time his first term ends in 2013. He inherited a deficit of about $1.3 trillion from former President George W. Bush.

Halve the deficit? That's a good one. Further proof I need to get busy on my book I'm going to market to idiots: "Spend your way out of debt!"

Posted 2/22/2009 01:24:00 PM by Douglas

Do these people that are flying off the handle about a stupid political cartoon realize that the Legislative, not the Executive branch writes the legislation?

The head of the NAACP on Saturday urged readers to boycott the New York Post, calling a cartoon that the newspaper published an invitation to assassinate President Barack Obama.

Benjamin Todd Jealous, president of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, called on the tabloid to remove editor-in-chief Col Allan, as well as longtime cartoonist Sean Delonas.

Earlier this week, the newspaper apologized to anyone who might have been offended by the image printed Wednesday, which some say likens Obama to a violent chimpanzee gunned down by police in Connecticut.

We have wars going in two countries right now, Iran is about to go nuclear, and the global economy is about to be reduced to trading in beads and shiny shells and this is what we're worried about? Focus, people.

Posted 2/22/2009 12:13:00 PM by Douglas

Look out, Dallas Bush is lookin' for a job.

Former President George W. Bush stopped in to shop at a Dallas hardware store that made him a lighthearted offer earlier this month to work as a greeter.

Andrea Bond, a manager at Elliott’s Hardware, says Bush walked into the store on Saturday and quipped: “I’m looking for a job.”

She said he spent about an hour shopping and talking to customers during the surprise visit. He bought a few flashlights, batteries and a can of WD-40. He also bought some night-lights.

Laura Bush didn’t accompany the former president, but Bond said Bush said his wife had sent him on the trip.

I bet she just wants to get him out of the house. Isn't there some brush at Crawford that needs clearing?

Posted 2/22/2009 12:10:00 PM by Douglas

Here's a great indicator of how bad the economy is. A dude robs a girlscout for her cookie money.

A robber and his accomplice in a getaway vehicle stole about $250 from a group selling Girl Scout cookies, leaving one of the girls “devastated.”

Members of a Girl Scout Brownie troop and two adults were selling cookies outside a Walgreen’s drugstore in San Antonio Wednesday night when a man walked out of the store and grabbed a bag containing proceeds from the cookie sales — about $250 and a check — police said. A woman driving a vehicle picked up the robber, and the couple drove off, according to police.

What possible defense could you have for such an act? I would understand stealing a few boxes of thin mints, but don't take the little girl's money.

Posted 2/20/2009 03:38:00 PM by Douglas

I don't find myself agreeing with David Brooks that much, but he nailed this one with the headline: Money for idiots.

The stimulus package handed tens of billions of dollars to states that spent profligately during the prosperity years. The Obama housing plan will force people who bought sensible homes to subsidize the mortgages of people who bought houses they could not afford. It will almost certainly force people who were honest on their loan forms to subsidize people who were dishonest on theirs.

It just encourages everyone to be an idiot. I honestly can't believe we're even having this discussion in this country.

Posted 2/19/2009 05:08:00 PM by Douglas

The mortgage crisis continues, unabated.

President Obama announced a plan on Wednesday to help as many as nine million American homeowners refinance their mortgages or avert foreclosure, saying that it would shore up housing prices, stabilize neighborhoods and slow a downward spiral that was “unraveling homeownership, the middle class and the American Dream itself.”

It could ultimately cost taxpayers as much as $275 billion — $75 billion in direct spending to keep people in their homes and the rest in additional financial backing for the government-controlled mortgage giants, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

Well, duh. It's going to help out bad banks a helluva lot more than it's going to help out troubled homeowners. But to we even want to help them, anyway?

The plan has three components. The first would help homeowners who are still current on their payments, but who are paying high interest rates and cannot refinance because they do not have enough equity in their homes, a problem afflicting growing numbers of people as housing values tumble.

And this is where they lost me. So your hyper inflated home is worth less (according to someone) than your mortgage, and you're just going to throw the keys to the bank? What on earth for? You've still got to live somewhere. You're going to pay to live somewhere. Hell, a new car is worth less than the note the second it drives off the lot, but you don't throw it back just because you owe more than it's worth. You drive it. You get its value out of it by using it, or in the case of a house, by living in it.

The thought of spending public money to prop up the values of these overinflated homes so people that can afford their mortgages stay in them makes me want to move somewhere the notion of socialism isn't idly bantered around, but publicly embraced. Cuba, perhaps.

Posted 2/19/2009 05:04:00 PM by Douglas

And this guy seems like a complete knob, but I can't really argue with his point. Let's reward people that can't pay their bills! Yay! What a huge encouragement to stay financially solvent!

Posted 2/17/2009 06:42:00 PM by Douglas

I went down to Bolivar Peninsula the other day, just to see if I could pick out some familiar landmarks of places I've had a good time. Short answer, nope, it's all gone. The most remarkable thing was that the beach was gone. The 'waterfront' houses were gone (though some of their pilings were still standing in the surf) but the storm had eroded enough of the beach to make the third and fourth row houses 'waterfront'. Don't know how longer that will last, as I know the State had a big lawsuit about beach access before the storm. Anyway, this is what Crystal Beach looked like in November, 2007:

Complete with some idiot doing donuts in the sand. I tried to find that same beach, but so many houses/landmarks just aren't there, and I didn't want to distract those there rebuilding, so I didn't look very hard. But you could almost map out how bad the "dirty bands" were as they came in on the Peninsula, because you'd find a pocket of houses left standing, then you'd come across a huge pile of rubble that would consist of huge piles of boards, water heaters, complete sections of roof, and mattresses. Then there's this, if you're having a hard time contemplating the strength of the storm:

News Flash: That Taurus wasn't parked in hood deep sand. The sand came to it, after Ike threw it where it wanted it.

Hurricane season, 2009: Four short months away.

Posted 2/17/2009 06:38:00 PM by Douglas

GM, Chrysler need to start making forks, and then poke themselves with them, because they are done!!

General Motors and Chrysler LLC presented their updated turnaround plans to the federal government Tuesday and said they could need an additional $21.6 billion in federal loans between them because of worsening demands for their cars and trucks.

The two firms also detailed plans to cut 50,000 jobs worldwide by the end of the year. In addition, GM plans to close five more plants in the next few years and confirmed it will drop some of its weaker brands.

GM said GM when all is said and done, it could need a total of $30 billion by 2011, which includes the $13.4 billion in federal loans it has already received. GM will most certainly need $9.1 billion in additional loans and could require another $7.5 billion in the next two years if auto sales don't improve.

Chrysler said it now needs $9 billion, up from the $4 billion loan from the Treasury Department in December. Chrysler said it will need that money by March 31.

So last year, they both low-ball, then come back for more than twice than what they asked for? Noticeably absent? Ford, Nissan, Honda, Toyota and Hyundai. We all know the economy is crap, but when you're crying for help, while other in your industry are still hanging on. . . .maybe it's you.

Posted 2/17/2009 06:28:00 PM by Douglas

Australia charges water service based on your home's value? How stupid is that?

HOUSEHOLDERS would be charged for each flush under a radical new toilet tax designed to help beat the drought.

The scheme would replace the current system, which sees sewage charges based on a home's value - not its waste water output.

CSIRO Policy and Economic Research Unit member Jim McColl and Adelaide University Water Management Professor Mike Young plan to promote the move to state and federal politicians and experts across the country.

"It would encourage people to reduce their sewage output by taking shorter showers,recycling washing machine water or connecting rainwater tanks to internal plumbing to reduce their charges,''Professor Young said.

Well duh! If you're not charged for your usage, why would you be concerned with limiting it? This is kinda funny, coming as it does from an Australian paper:

Professor Young said a sewage pricing plan, like the one proposed, was already used in the US.

"In places like the City of Bellaire, Texas (a virtual suburb of Houston), they do it and the system seems to work,'' he said.

I'm pretty sure people in Bellaire don't flush their toilets, anyway.

Labels: Duh

Posted 2/17/2009 06:21:00 PM by Douglas

Connecticut had a monkey on the lam!

A 200-pound pet chimpanzee in Stamford, Conn., Monday viciously mauled a woman he had known for years, leaving her critically injured with much of her face torn away, the authorities said. The animal was shot dead by the police after he assaulted an officer in his car.

Colbert is gonna have fun with this one.

Posted 2/14/2009 02:14:00 PM by Douglas

The spread of red light cameras continue unabated.

League City council members gave the green light Tuesday to red light cameras at five intersections throughout the city.

Motorists caught running red lights will be issued a $75 ticket that will not count against their driving record, Jez said.

“I think we’re at a point where we have no other choice in this city but to use every tool in our arsenal to address traffic congestion,” he said.

No Other Choice. Wow, I had no idea how horrible it is. But it's about safety, not revenue, is it?

The cameras could also boost revenues collected from fines by $500,000, Jez said, quoting data from the company, Redflex Traffic Systems.

Jez said he is pushing the cameras as a public safety tool and he “could care less about the revenues.”

What errant bullshit. If it's about safety and not revenue, then why don't the tickets count on your driving record? Why is it only a fine that makes the city half a million dollars? Oh yeah, it is all about money.

Labels: red light cameras

Posted 2/12/2009 06:34:00 PM by Douglas

Love, in six words or less, or it's free!

Can six words sum up love? Can six words sum up heartache?

Well, the terse memoir collectors are back with “Six-Word Memoirs on Love & Heartbreak,” published by HarperCollins.

The original volume, “Not Quite What I Was Expecting”, compiled by Larry Smith and Rachel Feshleiser, inspired an avalanche of America-style haiku, including 425 comments on City Room. (The memoirs are a bit more flexible than Japanese haiku, because the limit is in words, rather than syllables.) The original project was inspired, in part, by the legend of Ernest Hemingway’s response to a challenge to write a six-word story: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”

How 'bout "Pregnant, and know where I live."

Posted 2/12/2009 06:16:00 PM by Douglas

Twenty five unromantic album covers. This one made me bust a gut:

Date-rape in 3. . . 2. . . .

Posted 2/11/2009 08:07:00 PM by Douglas

I thought I linked to this a while ago. It's funny.

Posted 2/11/2009 05:42:00 PM by Douglas

I love it when life imitates Law & Order.

The Harris County jury returned a guilty verdict after deliberating 45 minutes in a murder case, but the judge realized he had a real problem. Sitting in the jury box were 13 citizens.

Instead of sentencing Charles Mapps to prison in the shooting death of his girlfriend, state District Judge Mark Kent Ellis on Tuesday declared a mistrial. An extra juror was allowed to deliberate.

Ellis said a criminal jury must have 12 people on it and can’t have any outside influences. He said the 13th juror would be considered an outside influence, despite the fact that she sat through all of the testimony.

“In 23 years I’ve never seen anything like this,” the judge said. “The jurors all seemed pretty upset, but there’s no way to unring that bell.”

The lone GOP criminal judge to win re-election in November, Ellis placed the blame squarely on a substitute bailiff, whose name he didn’t know. His regular bailiff was sick.

“I told him I never want to see him in my courtroom again,” Ellis said.

Even worse? If that bailiff comes back to his courtroom. . . as a defendant. Ouch.

Posted 2/09/2009 05:05:00 PM by Douglas

Google for nerds!!!!!1one!!

Posted 2/09/2009 05:01:00 PM by Douglas

Turn out The Catholic Church™ is now accepting indulgences again. Good for them.

In recent months, dioceses around the world have been offering Catholics a spiritual benefit that fell out of favor decades ago — the indulgence, a sort of amnesty from punishment in the afterlife — and reminding them of the church’s clout in mitigating the wages of sin.

Well, whatever works. But what is an indulgence?

According to church teaching, even after sinners are absolved in the confessional and say their Our Fathers or Hail Marys as penance, they still face punishment after death, in Purgatory before they can enter heaven. In exchange for certain prayers, devotions or pilgrimages in special years, a Catholic can receive an indulgence, which reduces or erases that punishment instantly, with no formal ceremony or sacrament.

There are partial indulgences, which reduce purgatorial time by a certain number of days or years, and plenary indulgences, which eliminate all of it, until another sin is committed. You can get one for yourself, or for someone dead. You cannot buy one — the church outlawed the sale of indulgences in 1567 — but charitable contributions, combined with other acts, can help you earn one. There is a limit of one plenary indulgence per sinner per day.

So they don't sell them anymore, but you can get one for a "charitable" contribution? I'm guessing you don't get one for a contribution to Emily's List or the NOW. But why the ruse between selling and contribution? Just set up a website, lets say www.eDulgence.god, where you can enter your credit card number and get right with The Church™. I'm sure they forward your info right on up to the big guy upstairs.

Posted 2/07/2009 07:10:00 PM by Douglas

Wi-fi comes to your airplane. What's the big deal?

Wireless Internet service is starting to spread among airlines in the United States — Delta and American have installed it on more than a dozen planes each, and several other carriers are planning to test it.

For the airlines, always desperate for new sources of revenue, offering the service — about $10 for three hours and more for longer flights — was an easy call. And many passengers will cheer the development as an end to Web withdrawal.

Doesn't sound like $10 for three hours is that steep, if you really need it, but considering it's not something anyone has ever had before, it's hard to justify the need. Let the whining begin:

Delta has told its flight attendants to treat overly enthusiastic users of Wi-Fi — who might, say, forget to mute the volume on YouTube videos of skateboarding dogs — like people who imbibe too much. In other words, cut them off if they start bothering others around them.

“It’s just like alcohol,” Mr. Goswami said. “The flight attendants understand how to interact with that.”

No, it's not anything like alcohol, but thanks for playing. People can already watch DVDs on their laptops, so how is youtube any different than what the sky-waitresses are already dealing with?

But the Association of Flight Attendants, which represents 55,000 employees at 20 airlines, though not Delta, views Wi-Fi as a potential threat to flight attendants’ ability to keep order in the cabin, said Corey Caldwell, a union spokeswoman.

“Our duties involve securing the safety of the cabin, not acting as censor police,” Ms. Caldwell said. “It just adds another layer of duties inside the cabin, which take away from the main requirement that flight attendants are on board for.”

And that is dispensing peanuts and Diet Coke? But it gets better:

Ms. Caldwell said the flight attendants’ union also feared that terrorists plotting a scheme on a plane could use Wi-Fi to communicate with one another on board and with conspirators on the ground.

Which explains why Ms. Caldwell is the spokeswoman for the Flight Attendant's union and not some other postion on the planet that might require having a fucking clue. Yeah, that's it. Terrorists are waiting for MSN or AOLIM to take control of the 3:15 to Pittsburgh. Guess who else (besides me) doesn't strictly adhere to the "turn off electronic devices" announcements? That guy that's about to hijack the plane. Sweet sassy molassy these people are dumb. But wait for it, because here comes the money quote:

The Federal Aviation Administration currently bans use of cellphones aboard planes because they may interfere with a jet’s navigation system. But Wi-Fi, as most technophiles know, offers a way around that ban, since the wireless connections can be used to tap into Skype and other programs that offer telephone service via a computer.

Well, no, they don't. It's not the FAA, it's the FCC that makes you listen to that inane announcement eight times (12 on a SouthWest flight) about turning off your cell phone and other electronic devices. Honestly, if you thought that the adolescent gastropod in 27G could bring down the plane by turning on his GameBoy, would anyone ever set foot on an airplane again? Of course not, but yet this is till their position because they think we're as dumb as they are.

Posted 2/07/2009 06:34:00 PM by Douglas

25 random things are not quite random, but I think The Times did a good job of categorizing the 25 things. So here's my attempt to be cool:

1. Say that you hate things like this, and are doing it only to get the (oh, so many) friends clamoring for your list off your back.

Damn you, The New York Times for making me waste a beautiful Saturday afternoon answering your inane blog requests!

2. Describe “embarrassing” high school incident that makes you look cool.

One time in high school, on a dare and a warm bottle of Boone's Farm, I killed a hobo with a hammer.

3. Confess to crush on a) third-grade teacher b) obscure indie actor or actress c) your significant other, especially if he or she is on Facebook.

I had a crush on my college English teacher, but she was an indie actress, so it doesn't count.

4. Identify real, but minor, flaw.

This is harder than it sounds. The minor part, not the real part. How's this: I can't pronounce the word "colorful."

5. Identify major flaw by suggesting how it may also be major virtue.

I know π to 11 decimal places, so look out, anyone that needs to know π to 11 decimal places!!

6. Cite mean nickname you were given as a child.

Until Jr. High, I was referred to as "Deduction #2."

7. Follow with offhand mention of receipt of high professional honor or athletic or artistic achievement.

Well, I did single handedly save the Hubble Space Telescope, so I got that going for me.

8. Describe meeting a celebrity and how it a) disillusioned or b) thrilled you or c) if it’s a really good celebrity just the name will do.

I met Dan Akroyd at the Sixth Floor Museum. Since that time, I just assumed he was somehow involved with JFK's assassination.

9. Mention small adversity, like long commute or annoying neighbor, and the unexpected, preferably funny, way you overcome it.

I thought my neighbor was stealing power from me, so I killed him with a hammer. Now. . . I have new neighbors!!

10. Cite an actual random thing that comes to mind while writing this list.

I have no life to speak of since I got DSL.

11. “Admit” that you always identified with weird ancillary character on popular TV show in 7th grade, as if you didn’t know that everyone in retrospect agrees that was the best character.

I always wanted to be Animal, but I think I just wanted to play the drums.

12. Expose something genuine and poignant about yourself, such as untimely death of close relative or rare genetic condition.

No one in my family can play the Tuba. I cry myself to sleep thinking about that at least twice a week.

13. Express heartfelt thanks to friends or family for helping you through #12, or just for being there, or whatever.

Thanks, mom, for trying to learn how to play the tuba.

14. Conclude sentimental portion of list by citing the scene in movie X that always makes you cry. Could also be a lyric, or a memory, so long as it involves crying.

The wedding scene in The Deer Hunter always makes me cry. Mainly because it's so long, boring and pointless.

15. Something about drugs.

Without weed, Funyuns would not exist.

16. Tell a story of how you stood up to authority. Dwelling on descriptive details can help it not seem like you are making yourself out to be a hero even though you are.

I fought the law and. . .the law won!

17. Recount a dramatic moment, like having your heart broken or getting arrested, but withhold details, forcing readers to ask for them in your “comments’’ section. In case you didn’t know, comments equate to status on Facebook even more than number of friends.

The woman I loved left me because I was in jail for a crime I didn't commit. Wait, that was the lead-in to The A-Team.

18. Make one up.

Uh, how 'bout every one except #7.

19. Say “one of these is completely made up.”

My mom never even tried to learn how to play the tuba.

20. If you have kids, a) cite weird names you wanted for them and how your more rational, if less creative, spouse rescued them from a lifetime of torture,

I thought @#*($)@@! would make a great name. It's pronounced big-dick-johnson. But if it's a boy, I'll just call him Walter.

21. and/or b) relate story that appears to expose your inept parenting while in fact highlighting their precocious brilliance. If you don’t have kids, relate a cute anecdote from your early life to show everyone that you’re still a kid at heart.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. Ironically, the hobo I killed with a hammer used to be an astronaut, but lost his job for burning down a warehouse full of monkeys.

22. If you have a pet, you have one item only through which to convey its superlative nature. If you don’t have a pet, talk about how much you yearn for an obscure breed of cat/dog/reptile or, alternatively, how much you hate animals and the people who love them.

My kitty is a princess! But not the tabby. She's a Mexican.

23. Something about parents.

My parents exist.

24. Name skill that you are proud of by recounting unexpected way you acquired it.

I can kill a hobo with a hammer.

25. Close with the unusual: a) recount a genuinely traumatic event you witnessed or b) name an exotic location that is your favorite place on earth or c) cite a dubious world record that you performed.

I once saw Chuck Yeager break the sound barrier in Hawaii, only to discover it didn't count towards his frequent flyer miles.

26. This is important: Do not add “bonus” items.

Bonus! I'm an idiot.

Labels: dumb internet lists

Posted 2/07/2009 04:48:00 PM by Douglas

Not a whole lot of sympathy for people that go fishing on frozen lakes.

One person who was among those stuck Saturday on a miles-wide slab of ice that floated away from the Ohio shoreline of Lake Erie has died, while more than 100 others were rescued, authorities said.

Maybe I'm missing something, but isn't the danger part of the fun? Anyone can look like a tool standing on the shore or at the end of a pier, but we're out on the ice! Isn't that exciting?!? I'm sure it is. . . up to that point when it isn't.

Posted 2/07/2009 04:45:00 PM by Douglas

Another one.

Authorities say they found 94 pounds of marijuana on a recreational vehicle that was stopped on Interstate 40 near Groom for a traffic violation.

Troopers with the Texas Department of Public Safety stopped the vehicle Thursday evening. Troopers said Eric Wood Myers of Encinitas, Calif., was traveling from his hometown to Tappan, N.Y. Myers refused to allow troopers to search the vehicle after they said they observed "signs of criminal activity from the driver."

I really want to know what's going on with this. "Signs of criminal activity from the driver," of course, could be anything, but of course if there was probable cause, say, paraphernalia in plain sight, they'd say so. I wonder if "signs of criminal activity" means he illegally claimed the head of household status on his 2008 1040, of if he just cut the tag off his mattress?

Labels: I-40 Drug Bust

Posted 2/07/2009 04:41:00 PM by Douglas

It takes a real big man to kill a kitten.

A Redwood City man was sentenced to a year in jail Friday for stomping a kitten to death because his roommate's 4-year-old daughter had drawn all over the bathroom door.

Jesus Calderon-Franco, 33, pleaded no contest in December to felony abuse for killing the 4-month-old kitten, named Pucci.

At a hearing Friday, Judge Clifford Cretan of San Mateo County Superior Court also placed Calderon-Franco on three years' probation, although he is expected to be deported to his native Mexico after he finishes his jail sentence, said Steve Wagstaffe, chief deputy district attorney.

Fuck the year in prison, why not just deport him now?

Posted 2/04/2009 05:07:00 PM by Douglas

Ya know what I love about this picture? Hats. 95 years ago, and every man, save one, has a hat, a real hat. A Boater, a Cabbie, or to a lesser extent, a Bowler. If there's any reason to hate JFK, it's for pushing hats out of fashion.

But look at the picture again. The guy without a hat? He looks like a real knob.

Posted 2/03/2009 05:45:00 PM by Douglas

If you left your bus on the side of the road in Webb County the DPS would like a word with you.

A state trooper who noticed a school bus on the side of a southwest Texas highway last weekend decided to stop and see if there was a problem.

His superiors are glad he did.

The trooper looked inside the abandoned bus along U.S. 59 in Webb County and discovered more than 4.59 tons of marijuana, the Texas Department of Public Safety reported today.

Over four tons?!? Someone's gonna miss that.

Posted 2/03/2009 05:38:00 PM by Douglas

If you're driving with over 100 pounds of junk in your car, why would you ever consent to a search?

A man pleaded not guilty Monday in federal court in Amarillo for possessing 147,000 tablets of benzylpiperazine.

Khoa Thac Nguyen was arrested Dec. 2 after a Texas Department of Public Safety trooper discovered the pills in a spare tire in the trunk of the car Nguyen was driving.

Nguyen, 46, was stopped on Interstate 40 in Oldham County for speeding. Troopers asked if they could search Nguyen's black Ford Expedition, registered in California, and he gave his consent, according to an affidavit filed in court.

These are starting to make less and less sense.

Labels: I-40 Drug Bust

Posted 2/03/2009 05:32:00 PM by Douglas

Letterman fully capitulates to the mother of the late, great Bill Hicks.

On Friday, Letterman brought in comedian Bill Hicks's mother to apologize to her personally for having, in 1993, cut what would have been Hicks's final appearance (his 12th) on the talk show.

Hicks died several months later of pancreatic cancer.

Letterman then showed the controversial clip, and while he said Friday it was his decision to ban it, a number of commentators at the time, including Hicks himself and John Lahr, writing for The New Yorker, speculated that the segment was spiked by the show's sponsors or by its then executive producer Robert Morton.

That's my question. Why? Here's the clip:



Some of Hicks' tamer stuff, really. Sometimes I think it's good that he died when he did. There's just no way he could have survived another Bush Administration.

Posted 2/02/2009 05:34:00 PM by Douglas

A long, long time ago. I can still remember how the music used to make me smile. [don't make me do the whole song. I'll do it, damn it]

The facts are these: Just after 1 a.m. February 3, 1959, a three-passenger Beechcraft Bonanza went down about five miles northwest of Mason City Municipal Airport, near Clear Lake, Iowa. The plane crash took the lives of the pilot, Roger Peterson, and three musicians: Charles Hardin Holley, better known as Buddy Holly, 22; Ritchie Valens (originally Valenzuela), 17; and J.P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson, 28.

It has become famous, in Don McLean's "American Pie" formulation, as "the day the music died."

Tragic deaths of promising performers taken in their prime, and also a harbinger of successful artists to die of bad management. Presley, Lennon, Cobain & Cash, please call your office.

Man, that would make an excellent law firm, wouldn't it? Just don't drink the coffee without a prescription.

Posted 2/02/2009 05:20:00 PM by Douglas

Call him a sore-headed old crank if you want, but tell me where The Honorable Dr. Ron Paul is wrong here.

First of all, just as the best cure for a hangover is not to drink so much, the best cure for a recession is a recession. It is time to sober up and return to free market sanity, risk and reward, supply and demand, without political intervention. Politicians are good at catering to the needs of special interests, but very bad at determining what needs to take place in the market. Government should stick to punishing fraud and enforcing contracts. When they use the tax code, bureaucratic departments and their manipulative rules and regulations to dictate social and economic behavior, we end up with distortions and malinvestments. Bailing out banks, continuing failed Fed policies and strapping the taxpayer with toxic debt will worsen the pain, and punish the innocent.

It's going to hurt, regardless, but the problems with the economy aren't going to be solved by the same people that created them.

Posted 2/02/2009 08:25:00 AM by Douglas

Phil saw his shadow today, which means there's six more weeks of snuggie.

Posted 2/01/2009 01:50:00 PM by Douglas

I had no idea that this snuggie thing was going to take off like it did. Now CNN is running with it. Of course, Wiki weighs in, too.

Posted 2/01/2009 12:02:00 PM by Douglas

If you wanna be a pervert, can't you do it somewhere else?

A convicted sex offender was sentenced to life in federal prison Friday for having sex with a 14-year-old San Antonio girl in the men's restroom at the Alamo, among other places.

Ewwww. I'm thinking this makes Larry Craig's affinity towards airport bathrooms seem a little more normal.

Posted 2/01/2009 11:59:00 AM by Douglas

Six years later and February 1^st still makes me want to throw up. Has any progress made towards improving the manned spaceflight program? I don't know. I don't want to see this again. Here's the Shreveport radar track from 2/1/03: