Posted 7/27/2004 08:00:00 PM by Douglas

This may be a bit on the sophomoric side, but I still found myself laughing out loud at some of them. Here's some advice for children they're not going to hear elsewhere.

• Socks should match your pants, and your belt should match your shoes. After that, if anyone complains, tell ‘em they should be happy you’re wearing any clothes at all.
• Beat off enough and eventually someone will walk in on you while you’re doing it. When this happens, pause, look them directly in the eye and say, “You done ruined the romance, so go ahead and say whatever it is you want to say.” If they don’t immediately apologize and leave, run over there and put your hands on their face.
• Try not to get too depressed. There’s always something to look forward to. Keep alert, and sooner or later you’ll see someone slip and hurt themselves.
• You can whoop those two guys easy enough. But what if they come back with a friend who’s big enough to lift you off the ground and pin you to the wall with one hand? What then, slugger? (You’re going to feel like a fucking idiot, that’s what.)
• If, while chugging a beer, the phrase, “I bet this is going to be the last coherent thought I have tonight,” runs through your head, get someone to take you home. Now.
• Now that you’ve climbed up there, it’s a lot higher than it looks, isn’t it? Dumbass.
• When it comes time to pick out that first tattoo, remember: it doesn’t matter how much you like that one comic book. There’s always a chance that eight years later someone will make a movie of it that stars Sylvester Stallone. And you’ll be fucked.
• Dungeons and Dragons never goes away. Girls will still sense that shit 20 years later.

Words to live by.