Posted 8/23/2004 05:37:00 PM by Douglas

Long-time readers sometime have long-time questions, and the question of the mysteriously appearing thong is no exception. Thanks, Long-time reader, this is pretty funny:

D.C. of Wellington owns a business with a large parking lot. He wrote: "Your question on lost underwear has been a question that has intrigued me for years. . . . Each morning I pick up (from the parking lot) the usual amount of empty beer bottles, hamburger wrappers, malt cups, condom wrappers and other assorted trash."

Hey, it's a small town? What else are you gonna do after you have your burger and a few beers? D.C. should be impressed and amazed that he still finds any condom wrappers on his lot. But then again, when the Planned Parenthood opens house directly across the street from the First Baptist Church, it's pretty miraculous in and of itself that teen pregnancy hasn't reached epic proportion in Collingsworth County. But what do I know? I don't pay hospital tax.

"One thing that continues to amaze me is the occasional finding of assorted female undergarments. I can understand giving your panties a fling in a moment of heated passion, but after the passion has cooled, it would seem to me that the person involved would notice she was not wearing underwear and look about to see where she might have mislaid them."

When you're twenty minutes past curfew, the whereabouts of your drawers will soon take the figurative backseat quicker than you took the literal one. Only with slightly less chaffeing.

"In the days of skirts it would seem rather drafty and the absence of panties would be noticed immediately. In modern times everyone seems to wear jeans; it would seem rather scratchy if there was nothing to cushion the rough seams. I will await your explanation of the runaway underwear. I have been puzzled for years about the subject."

Well, D.C., let me remind you of something you might have forgotten: When dating in a small town, not all the soldiers make it home unscathed. Sometimes the causality is $6 for a 4-pack of wine coolers, sometimes it's a movie in Childress or a pizza in Memphis. And sometimes, the causality is a thong.

God bless those holy soldiers for showing up to do battle.