Posted 9/19/2004 03:33:00 PM by Douglas

I've been trying to subdue the urge to bloviate about last night's Miss America pageant, but I can't hold it in any longer. Remember, folks, it's all about the scholarship.

Miss Alabama Deidre Downs, an aspiring doctor who put off medical school to compete for the Miss America crown, won it Saturday night.

Downs, 24, of Birmingham, Ala., outsmarted and outperformed 51 other women in a spiced-up version of the 83-year-old pageant that included a head-to-head showdown between the last two contestants.

The last time I checked a calendar, it was the 21st century. The fact that anyone other than the contestant's mothers gives a shit about this event should be a wake up call to all of the pageant's sponsors. And yes, I'm talking to both Maybeline and Tampax. So the big deal this year was they were all wearing a two-piece Speed-O? Uh, how else are you going to get people to watch this crap on TV? And by "people" I mean horny pubescents and even hornier middle-aged shut-ins.

Take a good look at these girls. What's the age requirement, 18-24? So why is it that most all of them look like unattractive 40+ year old women? Because that's a helluva make-up job that make a cute 20 year old look like an ugly 40 year old.

Maybe next year it'll be on HBO, and the swimsuit competition will be replaced with a pole dance. Why the hell not, eh? It's all for a good cause, right? But in the meantime, here she is, walking around in her drawers and high heels, your Miss America: