Posted 9/28/2004 07:32:00 PM by Douglas

When I heard that Jon Stewart was going to be on The Factor w/ Bill O'Reilly, I was sickened. I knew I had to watch it, but I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to sit through an entire hour of his show. On one side of the table, you've got a rubber-faced comedian with a fake news show on basic cable who isn't above doing anything that he thinks will get a rise out of the audience. Then, on the other side, you've got Jon Stewart, who is actually funny because he's trying to be.

Well, I missed The Factor, but I was able to find a transcript [via Wonkette, whose caricature makes me want to puke only slightly less than O'Reilly] Anyhoo, what did Jon and Bill have to talk about?

STEWART: What am I, a Cheech and Chong movie? Stoned slackers?

O'REILLY: Come on, you do the research, you know the research on your program.

STEWART: No, we don't.

O'REILLY: Eighty-seven percent are intoxicated when they watch it. You didn't see that?

STEWART: No, I didn't realize that.

O'REILLY: Yeah, we have that there.

Well, there's no accounting for taste, is there?

O'REILLY: But you do have some influence. Now, how do you see that? You have influence. John Kerry bypassed me and went right over to you. You're only four blocks away. He said, "O'Reilly, I don't think so. Stewart, I'm going to go talk to you."

STEWART: Well, I have to tell you -- and again, I mean no disrespect, but the snack selection backstage, quite frankly...

O'REILLY: Yeah, it's...

STEWART: You know, I don't want to shake Guantanamo Bay, but it's a little sparer back there.

O'REILLY: It's close, it's close. We want people to be hungry when they come out.

Sounds like someone's jealous that Kerry chose Comedy Central over Fox News. Jon, drive it home for us:

O'REILLY: What do you think Kerry wanted to get out of it?

STEWART: A hug -- just a sweet hug.

Damn, I would have loved to have seen Bill's face with that remark.

But Comedy Central, or "ComCent", isn't going to take the "stoned slacker" comment lying down with Cheeto residue all over their fingers.

Viewers of Jon Stewart's show are more likely to have completed four years of college than people who watch "The O'Reilly Factor," according to Nielsen Media Research.

O'Reilly's teasing came when Stewart appeared on his show earlier this month.

Comedy Central had no statistics on how many people watch "The Daily Show" stoned.

Honestly, that doesn't surprise me. But what would be interesting is how many O'Reilly viewers consistently drag their thumbless-knuckles on the asphalt while braying at the moon.