Posted 10/05/2004 08:39:00 PM by Douglas

Ah, autumn. Time for football, cooler weather, the World Series, and the first "Holy shit, you'd better get your flu shot, because this year is gonna be really bad, and if you don't get it NOW, you're gonna die soon" article. It's more reliable than the turning of the leaves, at least where I'm from.

The company that makes nearly half the flu vaccine used in the United States said on Tuesday it will not supply any vaccine for the coming flu season because of problems at its plant in Britain.

The announcement left U.S. officials scrambling to pull together a flu vaccination program.

Holy shit! What do we do? What do we do?!?

That would leave the United States with at least an estimated 54 million doses of vaccine made by other companies -- far short of the 100 million health officials had expected to have on hand.

You're not helping. . . .

Well, at least this year isn't going to be particularly bad, is it?

The news hit just as the United States was starting its annual flu vaccine program -- one that health officials had hoped would be its biggest yet. Last year's flu season hit early and unusually hard and doctors hoped that would encourage a usually apathetic population to get the vaccine.

Apathetic? Apathetic?? Fuck you, Jack, you're the one that ran out vaccine. How 'bout a plan B, Dr. Smartass?

"This is serious but we are on top of it," Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson told a news conference.

Sleep tight, folks, they're "on top of it." The same idiots that brought you the War on Drugs and the War on Terror are now on top of the War on the Flu. Let's all hope these government boneheads are slightly more successful this time around. But really, are we in danger?

Influenza kills 36,000 people in the United States and 500,000 worldwide in an average season.

Ok, I admit I'm a bit cynical, but 36K a year? You've got to be yankin' my crank, right? How many of those are people under 10 and over 80 that wouldn't see New Year's Eve even if they didn't get the flu? I'd bet that the number of adults that die each year from the flu is somewhat less than that.

But what about the shot itself? Why does the government give it to you for free? What else does the government give anyone for free that's actually worth a damn? Everything the government provides, from paved roads to space travel, costs at least three times what it would cost in the private sector. So why do they bother? Maybe I should dust off my tin-foil hat (or at least my fluoridated water filter), but I just don't see the urgency for such a massive vaccination. Forget for a moment that they're loaded with mercury, but I just haven't seen any testimony towards their effectiveness.

Here's an offer. Since they're free, I can't offer anything compensatory in lieu of a flu shot, but for anyone interested, I'll send you a piece of my "flu stone" I carry around with me. I can 100% guarantee it's just as effective as the shot, and it contains no mercury. Or needles.