Posted 10/15/2004 05:08:00 PM by Douglas

The biggest issue that faces Houston today? No, it's not the fact that the Astros are down two games in the NLCS. Mayor White has set his sights on the real menace to Space City: Early dumpers.

Residents who place heavy trash on their curbsides too early can expect some unwanted visits from city officials.

"City Officials," really? Policemen? Firefighters? Who is going to enforce this? Surely not a roving gang of deputized idiots that don't have anything better with their lives than to drive around and make sure no one puts their trash out too early, is it?

The city plans to deputize 300 civilian employees in the near future to allow them to issue tickets as part of an effort to get tough on violators, officials said Wednesday.

It's come to this, hasn't it? We're ratting out our neighbor because they've got some rotten fish and some cat litter in their trash can, and they set it on the curb too soon. Why just fine 'em? What's wrong with jail time?

"We don't want to throw out common sense with zero tolerance," Lumpkin said. "If an elderly person has heavy trash out too early because the lawn man put it there, we'll probably ask a neighbor to help out. But ultimately, the homeowner is responsible."

I thought 'zero tolerance' was a antonym for 'common sense?' Has there ever been an instance where the two have coexisted reasonably? And what's so damn special about an elderly person's garbage? Who the hell do they think is going to comprise this posse of vigilantes? Teenagers? No, it's going to be old people with nothing better to do with their day. Which is fine. Spotting trash violators is a much more productive activity for Seniors than writing letters to their Congressman, or God forbid, voting.