Posted 11/20/2004 03:55:00 PM by Douglas

It's time to evolve paradigms, because it's obvious even to the most casual observer that the "10 item or less" method for expediting you through the checkout at the grocery store simply isn't working. I'm not a marketing genius, or do I claim any experience in the grocery business (other than sacking bags in high school), but I do have tons of experience with being frustrated at the grocery store. So I've come up with a few alternatives that I think will help you get in and out of the grocery store quicker.

The problem, as I see it, is that people get in the express lane when they're not in a hurry. Nobody wants to stand in line all day, but just because you have 9 items doesn't mean that you need to slow down the rest of humanity simply because you don't have anywhere you need to be. So here are some suggestions for some new lanes, and the people that will use them:

• I.Q. Under 80 Lane
  We've all been there. You're stuck behind some dumbass that can't seem to comprehend the fact that 2 of anything that cost three for a dollar will run you about 67 cents. Reasoning with these people is about as effective as showing card tricks to dogs. And they are closely related to the next entry. . . .
  
  
• I Need to Save 17¢ Lane
  This is the person that swears, up and down, that the can of stewed tomatoes was marked 49¢, and not the 53¢ that they were charged. What's worse, they're willing to debate it with the person working the register that has no idea, nor interest, in what it actually costs. But for some reason, this transaction requires managerial approval from the head office once the cost of the tomatoes comes into question.
  
  
• I Need to Save 17¢ (and I've got it in writing) Lane
  Coupons. Turns out, some people claim they can save money with them, and that's just super. But why on earth do I have to wait half an hour while you save 75¢ on a jar of mayonnaise? Oh wait, not that jar of mayonnaise, see, the coupon is for the 12 ounce, and you got the 16 ounce. Oh, I guess I have to go get the 12 ounce now. Hey, you're out of the 12 ounce jar. Now what? You can start by killing yourself.
  
  
• Over 60 Lane
  Give old people their own lane. I know it sounds cruel, but let's face it. There's no place these people need to be. If they were in a hurry, they wouldn't bore the crap out of the checker with stories about how much grapes cost in 1957 and how uncomfortable they feel with the whole "paper vs. plastic" dilemma. Give 'em their own lane, and while where at it, give 'em that 60 year old checker that can't seem to figure out which button on the register gets me out of the store in under 90 minutes.
  
  
• I Want To Pay With 1870s Technology Lane
  If you're writing a check at the grocery store, you're an idiot, and if you do so in the express lane, you need to be beaten. There's absolutely NO reason to write a check anymore, and if you wait 'till the checker is through totaling your items to whip out your checkbook and start writing, then you not only need your own lane, but you need your own store. Where poop flinging monkeys can go and congregate together and not bother the rest of the world.
  
  
• I Swear I'm 21 Lane
  Look, flapjack. I don't care if you didn't get carded at Bennigan's. I know you're not 21. You know you're not 21. Everyone here knows you're not 21, and no one here is buying that "I lost my I.D." song and dance, either. All you're doing is holding up the line, so do what we all did. Find some homeless guy to buy your hooch, or steal an ID from one of your 21 year old sorority sisters.
  
  
• I'm 5 Minutes Late Lane
  You want to run in, get four things, and get the hell out. You've got exact change (or even better, a debit card), yet you're forced to suffer through one of the above mentioned groups because they don't understand the concept of "express." This lane is predominately populated with people buying just one item, usually single men buying beer, or married women buying tampons. Get the hell out of their way.

I feel like if these groups were given their own lanes, a place where they could feel at home with their own kind, the world would be a happier place.