Posted 11/29/2004 05:06:00 PM by Douglas

RIP William Mitchell, American hero:

William A Mitchell never became a household name, but most households you can name have something of his in it – Cool Whip, quick-set Jell-O, egg whites for cake mix… He gave American astronauts the first space-age beverage (Tang) and impressionable adolescents one of the great urban legends (Pop Rocks).

Pop Rocks? Cool Whip? Jell-O??? Forget household name, this guy should be up on Mt. Rushmore!!

His first big success came with a tapioca substitute developed during World War Two when “tapioca supplies were running low,” as the Associated Press put it. War is hell. In fact, tapioca, a starchy substance in hard grains from cassava, came mainly from the far east, and, with supply lines disrupted, that presented problems for packaged food.

War is hell, indeed. Let's not imagine what would happen to morale if the tapioca shortage was fully realized on the American homefront. Bedlam. Pure bedlam.

William, bring it home for us:

He’s part of the taste of America, the stuff that gets under your skin – from the not entirely “home-made” pies rotating at the diner to the red, white and blue Jell-O salad at the Fourth of July fireworks. That’s how he deserves to be celebrated: take 1 pkg of Jell-O, throw in 1 pkg of Cool Whip, add Tang, mix, lob in a couple of Pop Rocks, and stand well back.

Jell-O, Tang and Pop Rocks. How could you go wrong? Only if you mixed them all together. Because I heard about this kid, one time, that mixed pop rocks with cool whip, and he sprouted a third nipple.