Posted 1/27/2005 05:27:00 PM by Douglas

I was really trying to ignore this vitriol, but I think I'm going to have to make some comments, as narrow-minded and biased as his. [Thanks, Allison.] But my main point: No place is perfect, and Houston isn't without its faults, but hey man, and I mean this in the nicest way I know how to say it, Houston's not for you. It's still a free country, so don't let the state line hit ya where the good lord split 'ya. I can already tell this is going to pointlessly ramble on for a while, so you should probably bail now, and don't say you weren't warned. Here we go.

My image of Houston has always been and continues to be defined by the cheap little map you get when you rent a car.

See, right off the bat, he shows how much more informed and sophisticated he is. When I land in a new city, I always judge the whole city by the terminal, and assume that the entire city is a garish as the airport.

Houston is like a big, fat, overgrown cell, the membrane formed by interstate highways. It has no real shape -- just a blob. A giant splat on the Earth. There are some mitochondria here and there, but it's rather undifferentiated.

I like the fact he referred to "pockets of mitochondria," since it's mitochondria that are responsible for supplying energy not only to the rest of the cell, but for other cells that are incapable of producing their own. Like Florida. Don't like Houston? Have fun shivering in the dark, pal.

Someday this cell might grow into something interesting, like part of an eyeball,

Why just an eyeball? Why not shoot for the stars and really aspire to greatness like Florida and D.C.? You know. . . an armpit?

But for the moment it is a stem cell, devoid of personality. The nucleus is almost invisible -- apparently it's somewhere in there in the middle, where the interstates knit together.

Too bad he didn't get a chance to go downtown while he was here. The middle is hardly empty anymore, and I was shocked and amazed recently to find the entire downtown area jumping with activity on every corner. All on a Monday night.

Houston is the least vertical city in America.

Again, you should have stuck around long enough to go downtown. At least once to see some of his work.

The land is flat, the buildings are flat, even the food is flat. Steaks, tortillas.

And delicious. Let me get this straight: he's complaining about steaks? Talk about sinking any creditability he even might have had.

The motto here seems to be Spread It Out. You drive down I-45 and the sprawl keeps going, flatly, everything having precisely the vertical profile of a car dealership.

I'm not going to defend urban sprawl, which is of course not unique to Houston, but Texas is blessed with a whole bunch of space, and we unapologetically use it. Maybe not always to it's fullest esoteric architectural potential, but we're not going to apologize for not stacking ourselves on top of each other when the next block is empty, either.

I'm not trying to ridicule it.

Uh huh. Yeah.

Not me! I'm from a place that would fit into the parking lot of your average Houston shopping mall.

Jealous?

I don't believe in condescension. Condescension is beneath me. I'm sure the Houstonians like living in a place that has yet to discover the concept of zoning.

Ok, fair enough. Houston has no zoning, or at least it didn't used to. For some reason when I moved here, I found it oddly comforting to find a 10 story office building, a strip club, and a Chinese buffet all on the same block. Hell, if I worked there, I'd never have to leave!

I'm getting hungry for a heapin' helpin' of Houston food, maybe a slab of beef the size of a banjo.

Again, of all the fair and deserved criticisms of Houston, you want to go with this one? Do you go to New York and bitch about the bagels, and to Maine and complain about the lobsters? If you want a steak the size of a hubcap, you've come to the right place. If you don't, order the salad and shut your fucking mouth.

Weirdly I am driving a pickup truck, as that was the only car available at Thrifty. Feel like I ought to go pick up a keg somewhere.

Again, this is a problem? Want my address?

The pickup cost $113 a day, not including vicious taxes, like the "Stadium tax."

Ok, this is a fair jab. This is monumentally stupid that the City has chosen to collect money for its overpriced sports arenas from hotel and rental car tax. I didn't vote for it, nor did I bust out cryin' when I had to pay the exact same tax in Orlando.

I was told that the rates were so high because an oil and gas convention is taking place in town, but that's confusing: I thought Houston WAS an oil and gas convention. This is one of those how-can-you-tell situations.

He kinda went out with a whimper on that one, but I can only hope that he gives Houston a kind thought as he gets in his car, turns on his heater, or uses any of the billions of tons of plastic products that are processed and manufactured in Houston before he totally writes it off.

Look, Houston isn't perfect, but with the MALLification of America, what place is? If you awoke blindfolded in any city in America, I'd say "what the hell are you doing just now waking up, and why do you have a blindfold on?" Then I'd ask if you could distinguish this generic city from any other place in the country [it's called Generica for a resaon]. After a quick survey of landscape, similar urban planning and ubiquitous fast food, I contend that you could not, at least 90% of the time.

So lay off of Houston. I know that Bush-whacking is now considered haute couture among most blue-staters, but leave Texas, and specifically Houston, alone. Please?

Keep in mind that sum'bitch is from New Haven, anyway.