Posted 8/25/2005 05:17:00 PM by Douglas

Why do movies suck this summer? Apparently the geniuses in Hollywood are scratching their heads trying to figure it out.

Multiples theories for the decline abound: a failure of studio marketing, the rising price of gas, the lure of alternate entertainment, even the prevalence of commercials and pesky cellphones inside once-sacrosanct theaters. But many movie executives and industry experts are beginning to conclude that something more fundamental is at work: Too many Hollywood movies these days, they say, just are not good enough.

Gee, ya think? Take a look at the sludge that came out this summer and ask yourself how many $9 tickets you'd buy. At least this guy's got a clue:

Mr. Lynton said he would focus on making "only movies we hope will be really good." At Fox, executives said they are looking to limit marketing costs. At Universal, Mr. Shmuger said he intends to reassert "time and care and passion" in movie production. Some of his own summer movies, he conceded, should never have been made.

He declined to name them.

Wow, what an admission (ha!) Here's my suggestions to get people back in the theater seats.

• A $4 Coke? Really, do you think people can't sit for 90 minutes without something to eat and drink when it's going to cost $15 for two Cokes and a tub of popcorn? That's just beyond ridiculous.
• Hire some writers. Remember when a movie had a story? Yeah, me neither, but there was a time when Hollywood paid professional writers (like Hemmingway and Faulkner) to write stories and dialog for the people on the big screen to say. Now they pay computer geeks to make green-screen monsters throw shit at actors while they scream. Overacting in front of a green wall? I can do that at home.
• Kill the previews. I know some people get there extra early to catch all the trailers, but I'm annoyed and slightly offended that I've paid at least $6 and I have to sit through a minimum of 20 minutes of previews and straight-up commercials. Not to mention the intended audience for most of the previews are 8 year olds with ADHD.
• Enforce the no talking policy. Other than changing the "quiet, please" policy to a more stern "shut the fuck up, or we'll boot you out" policy, I don't know how the theaters could make people be courteous. But sitting in front of someone that thinks they're in their living room at home really makes me want to stay home and watch a movie in mine.

Who knows. Maybe Hollywood is the next industry to get outsourced to India. A four hour movie in Hindi couldn't be any more painfull to sit through than Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo in English, could it?