Posted 10/11/2006 05:28:00 PM by Douglas

I, too, am a prisoner in my own home, afraid of the doorbell in fear that it's a cute 10 year old trying to sell me something I don't want.

I do not think I’m alone in panicking when the doorbell rings, fearful that it is the adorable second grader down the street trafficking in cheesecake. I bet I’m not the only one who hides behind the sofa after peeking through the curtains and discovering the person on the front porch is four feet tall and accompanied by a disgruntled grown-up.

However, I think my heartstrings are out of jumping range of most door-to-door prepubescent panhandeler, as this logic doesn't work with me:

But woe to the parent who ignores his child’s fund-raiser; in these belt-tightening times, selling stuff doesn’t just raise money for new uniforms for the marching band — it also keeps the computer lab up and running and the heat on in the winter. To blow off the fund-raiser is tantamount to being anti-education. On the other hand, avid participation guarantees that your neighbors and co-workers will run when they see you coming.

Ha! The district I live (and pay taxes) in would love to raise my taxes, except the State of Texas says it's illegal: We already pay the maximum school tax allowed. I actually cursed at the guy that called from the local "football boosters" when they wanted money, but I'll admit, I was having a bad day.

Anyhoo, I think they may be on to something:

Fixing national and statewide financing is a staggering long-term project. Fortunately, I can suggest a far easier, more immediate cure for the madness, one that would also assure every fund-raiser is a great success. Every year the top five sellers in each class are rewarded with a pass; then next year they don’t have to participate in the fund-raiser. Likewise, the name of every customer will be entered in a drawing, where the grand prize is to avoid being contacted by any student in the school, as long as you both shall live.

It’s a perfect solution. But it would work, of course, only until everyone in the nation ran out of wrapping paper.

I might actually buy a scented candle if that option were on the table.