Posted 1/27/2008 05:39:00 PM by Douglas

For some reason, let's just say 33% because of the recent Oscar nominations, 33% because it kinda looked interesting, and 40% because I'm an idiot and NOT very good at math, I went to see There will be Blood today. Holy. Cow. First off, this movie is a lead-pipe LOCK for Best Picture, because NO movie this bad gets nominated and loses.

I guess my main sense of disappointment comes from the fact that from the title, I thought I was finally going to get to see that film they showed all the girls in 5th grade, when they made all the boys go to the gym and beat on each other while we could see who could spit the farthest. Turns out, it was almost three freakin' hours of a close up of Daniel "this movie is going to take all Day" Lewis as he shouts at the camera. I'd been sitting there for almost an hour when I realized that there was no conflict. It's like having that conversation with your awkward uncle that doesn't have anything interesting to say and tells stories with predictable outcomes. "I went to California to buy a whole bunch of land, and I did. Then I wanted to drill an oil well on it. . . and I did." Someone wake me up when his dog gets sick.

Half way though, I was hoping I'd get knocked deaf when the well came in. The final scene was the most rewarding; not that it was good, by any means, but simply because it was over. Finally! Not only was there finally some blood, but it was over. I'd been hoping for about an hour up to that point that someone would bludgeon me to death with a bowling pin.

But back to the Oscars. This stinking turd is not only nominated for best picture, which it will win, I'm sure, but for best editing. Editing? I can't even count how many times I caught myself asking myself "why are they showing me this?" as I checked my watch for the umpteenth time. There was so much extra crap in that movie that could have hit the cutting room floor you could have used it to teach a class at USC film school: How to make a horrible movie, 101. But if I want the editor shot, I just want the guy that did the music kicked in the balls. Geez. I guess they had to build suspense somehow, but again, it made me wish I were deaf. I never really wanted to hear what Robin Williams trapped in a snare drum sounded like, but I think I have now.

All in all, it was no story told by over-acting with a hot lead in period-pants yelling at the camera. In lieu of a retard, it's got a deaf kid, which makes it a shoe-in for best picture. But that's OK, since it's all rigged, anyway.