Posted 2/07/2009 06:34:00 PM by Douglas

25 random things are not quite random, but I think The Times did a good job of categorizing the 25 things. So here's my attempt to be cool:

1. Say that you hate things like this, and are doing it only to get the (oh, so many) friends clamoring for your list off your back.

Damn you, The New York Times for making me waste a beautiful Saturday afternoon answering your inane blog requests!

2. Describe “embarrassing” high school incident that makes you look cool.

One time in high school, on a dare and a warm bottle of Boone's Farm, I killed a hobo with a hammer.

3. Confess to crush on a) third-grade teacher b) obscure indie actor or actress c) your significant other, especially if he or she is on Facebook.

I had a crush on my college English teacher, but she was an indie actress, so it doesn't count.

4. Identify real, but minor, flaw.

This is harder than it sounds. The minor part, not the real part. How's this: I can't pronounce the word "colorful."

5. Identify major flaw by suggesting how it may also be major virtue.

I know π to 11 decimal places, so look out, anyone that needs to know π to 11 decimal places!!

6. Cite mean nickname you were given as a child.

Until Jr. High, I was referred to as "Deduction #2."

7. Follow with offhand mention of receipt of high professional honor or athletic or artistic achievement.

Well, I did single handedly save the Hubble Space Telescope, so I got that going for me.

8. Describe meeting a celebrity and how it a) disillusioned or b) thrilled you or c) if it’s a really good celebrity just the name will do.

I met Dan Akroyd at the Sixth Floor Museum. Since that time, I just assumed he was somehow involved with JFK's assassination.

9. Mention small adversity, like long commute or annoying neighbor, and the unexpected, preferably funny, way you overcome it.

I thought my neighbor was stealing power from me, so I killed him with a hammer. Now. . . I have new neighbors!!

10. Cite an actual random thing that comes to mind while writing this list.

I have no life to speak of since I got DSL.

11. “Admit” that you always identified with weird ancillary character on popular TV show in 7th grade, as if you didn’t know that everyone in retrospect agrees that was the best character.

I always wanted to be Animal, but I think I just wanted to play the drums.

12. Expose something genuine and poignant about yourself, such as untimely death of close relative or rare genetic condition.

No one in my family can play the Tuba. I cry myself to sleep thinking about that at least twice a week.

13. Express heartfelt thanks to friends or family for helping you through #12, or just for being there, or whatever.

Thanks, mom, for trying to learn how to play the tuba.

14. Conclude sentimental portion of list by citing the scene in movie X that always makes you cry. Could also be a lyric, or a memory, so long as it involves crying.

The wedding scene in The Deer Hunter always makes me cry. Mainly because it's so long, boring and pointless.

15. Something about drugs.

Without weed, Funyuns would not exist.

16. Tell a story of how you stood up to authority. Dwelling on descriptive details can help it not seem like you are making yourself out to be a hero even though you are.

I fought the law and. . .the law won!

17. Recount a dramatic moment, like having your heart broken or getting arrested, but withhold details, forcing readers to ask for them in your “comments’’ section. In case you didn’t know, comments equate to status on Facebook even more than number of friends.

The woman I loved left me because I was in jail for a crime I didn't commit. Wait, that was the lead-in to The A-Team.

18. Make one up.

Uh, how 'bout every one except #7.

19. Say “one of these is completely made up.”

My mom never even tried to learn how to play the tuba.

20. If you have kids, a) cite weird names you wanted for them and how your more rational, if less creative, spouse rescued them from a lifetime of torture,

I thought @#*($)@@! would make a great name. It's pronounced big-dick-johnson. But if it's a boy, I'll just call him Walter.

21. and/or b) relate story that appears to expose your inept parenting while in fact highlighting their precocious brilliance. If you don’t have kids, relate a cute anecdote from your early life to show everyone that you’re still a kid at heart.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. Ironically, the hobo I killed with a hammer used to be an astronaut, but lost his job for burning down a warehouse full of monkeys.

22. If you have a pet, you have one item only through which to convey its superlative nature. If you don’t have a pet, talk about how much you yearn for an obscure breed of cat/dog/reptile or, alternatively, how much you hate animals and the people who love them.

My kitty is a princess! But not the tabby. She's a Mexican.

23. Something about parents.

My parents exist.

24. Name skill that you are proud of by recounting unexpected way you acquired it.

I can kill a hobo with a hammer.

25. Close with the unusual: a) recount a genuinely traumatic event you witnessed or b) name an exotic location that is your favorite place on earth or c) cite a dubious world record that you performed.

I once saw Chuck Yeager break the sound barrier in Hawaii, only to discover it didn't count towards his frequent flyer miles.

26. This is important: Do not add “bonus” items.

Bonus! I'm an idiot.

Labels: dumb internet lists