Posted 12/18/2009 07:53:00 PM by Douglas

Almost a decade ago, the wife and I bought a house that "needed some work," first and obviously not foremost, the floors. At some point she said "let's put down some tile" to which I acquiesced, not knowing any better. In the shadow of the constant media coverage of the 9/11 attacks, we tiled the bathroom with the help of our neighbor. Two years later, this gave us the encouragement we needed to embark on what was dubbed The Great Tiling Project of Aught Three. "Great," in this instance, implies that every corner of our modest domicile was going to be covered with the finest ceramic tile The Home Despot had to offer. And so it began.

The Great Tiling Project of Aught Three started with much fanfare and enthusiasm, but after moving every single stick of furniture from one room to the next, we soon ran out of steam. Then we got new furniture. The only room omitted from this project was the kitchen, and since it already had tile, of sorts, it became less of a priority. Then The Great Tiling Project of Aught Three turned into Aught four. Now, five years after that, here we are.

All I can say now is that it's done, and other than a lot of Portland cement embedded in my nostrils, all I have to show for it is this bucket. I don't have anything to direct my anger or lack of energy towards, so this bucket will have to do:

This bucket has been there from the beginning. Several tons of mortar and grout have been mixed in this very bucket since 2001, but today it's over. I'm done with you. We're breaking up. I've mixed my last bag of mud within your orange walls. Take a look; I'm not even going to bother to rinse that last bit of grout out of your bottom. I don't care. I hope it dries in you like a fucking brick.

I'm not even going to rise off that $3 grout spreader I bought this week. It's over.

But, and I do realize. My mud-mixing days may not be over. I may have to mix some mud sometime before I leave this good Earth. Hell, I may even set up some grout for some reason. But you know what? I'm not going to be mixing it in this fucking bucket!

So farewell. Enjoy the rest of eternity in the landfill, with four pounds of "summer wheat" grout in your ass. Though you have served me well, you are being cast aside like a used bucket, with a decade of grout remnants stuck to your innards.

I'll see you in hell, bucket.