Posted 12/13/2011 05:05:00 PM by Douglas

Tis the season for Christmas wonderment, and that can only mean one thing: At least one radio station within range of your 87 Tercel's coathanger plays nothing but Christmas songs. Well, generally State Farm commercials, but then some Christmas songs. . . some really bad Christmas songs. They're not all bad. I know few people can agree on this, but in secret, I don't think most people have a problem with Bing Crosby singing Mele Kalikimaka, Dean Martin singing White Christmas or even Elvis growling through Blue Christmas. But it's the other stuff. You know what I'm talking about. . the Christmas music that makes you want to kill yourself, or others. So here's my abridged list of the absolute worst soul sucking Christmas music that continues to be played for some reason. So here it is, in no particular order:

• Do They Know It's Christmas? A song about raising awareness of the size of Bob Geldof's ego, this song made "We are the world" possible the following year. Besides sounding like cat vomiting on a dying squirrel, this continues to remind us of the troubles of famine in the third world, and why, oh dear lord why, won't Hollywood keep their damn noses out of it.
• Home for Christmas ('N Sync album) I had the misfortune of hearing one song off this wretched mess, and it made me think of only one thing: If 'N Sync has a Christmas album, it may be time to try fundamentalist Islam for a while to see what they have to offer. It can't be worse.
• I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus This is just horrible. There are only two possible outcomes to this song, and both of them are bad. Either his daddy is Santa Claus, or his mother is a whore. Take your pick, and Merry Christmas!
• Anything by Mannhein Steamroller I know they've sold almost 30 million albums in the United States alone, but that doesn't mean it's not crap. They sound like what would happen if Depeche Mode had unprotected gay sex with a speak-and-spell and then gave birth to a drum machine. I believe that listening to their version of "Carole of the Bells" has been a successful defense for murder in seven states.
• Little Drummer Boy (Bing Crosby/David Bowie version) Aren't ironic juxtapositions fun? Let's put Bing with Ziggie Stardust sans eyeliner, that'll be awesome, won't it? No, it won't. Just like Johnny Cash singing Nine Inch Nails songs, or Betty White making dick jokes, sometimes you need to leave the kids alone. Keep your dignity, old people, and let the kids be kids; they don't know they're horrible yet. Pa rum-pum-pum, pum.
• The Christmas Shoes This one is so horrible it defies description. If you don't know it, don't google it, whatever you do. A poor kid scams some schmuck for shoe money for his dying mother. It's not just incredibly sappy, it's horrible, just horrible. People that pretend to take this one seriously on an emotional level probably get misty-eyed when their milk expires.
• Trans-Siberian Orchestra I don't know what part of this orchestra came from Siberia, but I wish they'd go back. They sound like they heard the mediocratic crap churned out by Mannheimer Steamroller and said "me too." They just weren't as talented. And yeah, that's saying a lot.
• Step in to Christmas Sir Elton, you're gay. We get it. But this song is so ridiculously over the top that not even a Daffy Duck suit would be enough gay apparel to don to track this song on even Lady Gaga's gaydar. Dial it back every once in a while, sister.
• Same Old Lang Syne Dan Fogelberg, you may have been the leader of the band, but if I wanted to hear about some guy grabbing some beer and finger-banging his old girlfriend in the back seat of his car, I'd go back to high school.