Posted 4/24/2005 03:40:00 PM by Douglas

For some reason, I'm interested that there are so many Miss America stories populating yahoo. That's the only explanation I can think of for my attention to such issues. Yet here we go again, with Miss America being forced to get some ratings, or get out.

But Miss America's in for an extreme makeover.

Dropped by two networks as a ratings loser, the pageant is desperately in need of a lifeline of its own, apparently ready to shuck its squeaky-clean demeanor in favor of the snarky negativity that fuels reality TV.

The pageant has reluctantly embraced the craze in recent years, tweaking its age-old formula by adding a pop quiz, curtailing the talent competition and interviewing contestants backstage — to no avail.

There is more urgency now, though. Cast off by ABC after a record-low 9.8 million people tuned in for last September's pageant, Miss America is without a TV outlet for the first time in 50 years and is facing the prospect of having no pageant at all in 2005.

Paula Shugart, president of the Miss Universe Organization, said Miss America has suffered because its contestants have become too polished for viewers to relate to.

Am I the only one that's not going to shed a tear if this crap isn't on TV once a year? Other than the contestant's mothers, of course. The contestants aren't interesting, hell, they're not even pretty and they're sure as hell not talented. So the big question here is, who cares?

Whether the pageant is ready to resort to "Fear Factor"-inspired gross-outs, "Survivor"-style conniving or week-to-week eliminations a la "American Idol" remains to be seen. If the fates of rival Miss USA are any indication, though, future contestants may need strong stomachs more than singing ability.

In a "Fear Factor Miss USA" that aired before the Miss USA pageant earlier this month, five bikini-wearing contestants had 55-gallon drums of live worms, fish and fish oil dumped on them during one stunt.

Is that the future of Miss America?

"Oh, God, I hope not," said Bob Arnhym, who runs the Miss California Scholarship Pageant.

"Scholarship" Pageant? Gotta love the PC spin they put on it. Otherwise it's just a bunch of vapid bottle-blondes with duct tape on their ass and Vaseline on their teeth, right? Oh, right, it's about the scholarship. I forgot. But what about the glory years?

At its peak, more than 80 million viewers tuned in to watch Bert Parks crown some small-town unknown and send her down the runway in Convention Hall. But that was before the communications revolution put cable TV, Internet porn and catty reality shows in everyone's homes.

There are just too many outlets today where your average viewer can see stupid women doing stupid things on TV. The fact that the brass at Pageant H.Q. don't realize this shows it's their inability to cope with modern trends that's driving their organization into the ground, because there has never been a shortage of young, hot, dumb chicks that want to get on TV. Those high-heels are always easy to fill.