Posted 11/10/2007 06:45:00 PM by Douglas

I've always enjoyed admitting when I'm wrong. It's just that it happens so rarely, but apparently last week I hit a nerve with some of my readers about my disdain for frozen pizza. Not content to bang my high chair idly, I threw out the challenge: recommend a frozen pizza that wasn't complete crap, and I'd eat it. After several recommendations without any repetitions, I decided I'd just buy one and try it.

It's not important what kind I got, because the variance of the recommendations reinforced the opinion I developed the last time I ate a frozen pizza, back when I lived at home and my mother didn't love me. But I digress. . .

Short answer, there's no reason anyone should ever eat these things. I think even the very hungry and the very stoned could do better, but that's not going to put a dent in their sales. These things are horrible, require your oven, which is oh so enjoyable to have on in South Texas when it's 95º outside, and still taste like ass. I can't imagine actually going to the store to buy one of these things when most pizza joints offer a "pick-up special" for a real pizza for less than ten bucks. If I'm going to go to the grocery store to buy crap (and shut up, because they are crap) that requires me to cook it for 15 minutes, why not make it yourself?

So I give to you the recipe for Enthalpy's Best™ Homemade Frozen Pizza (note: substitutions not recommended:

1. An eight inch diameter of corrugated cardboard. Substitution: Shoe leather
2. Three fluid ounces of industrial ketchup. Substitution: One ounce tomato paste and three ounces food-grade diesel.
3. Ten ounces of caulk. Preferred color: Mozzarella
4. One ounce plumber's putty that, when heated, could be confused with some meat-like substance.

Honestly, I defy any frozen pizza connoisseur to distinguish the difference of my concoction to anything that is currently commercially available.

But as a footnote, frozen pizza has extracted its revenge on me, as the steaming turd I pulled out of my oven this evening was in fact, steaming, and burned the crap out of the roof of my mouth. So I guess you had the last laugh after all, frozen pizza, but it's going to be another 20 years before I try you again.