Posted 1/20/2012 06:57:00 PM by Douglas

Timpani!!!!



That sound must mean there's something important that follows. Well, too bad, chumps, because nothing important is following that important sounding drum roll. This post is, however, set to commemorate a very special milestone in the blog's history, and no, it's not watching the After School Special, Story of a Teenage Alcoholic. But I digress.

This is post number 5,000 here at crap blog. I was hoping I could somehow make that correspond to the 10 year anniversary (which is in April) or the 100,000 hit (which will be never), so I could avoid doing this three times. But since I can't, here it is, in all it's grandiose opulence. I would have NEVER thought you people (you know who you are) would have ever given me the microscopic bit of encouragement to continue this shit train 5,000 times over a decade, but here we are.

I'd like to take a moment to thank "long time reader" (you know who you are) for all the links, criticisms, and words of encouragement through the years.

So where is this all going? No where. And fast. Stay tuned.

Labels: pointless milestone

Posted 1/11/2009 01:41:00 PM by Douglas

I wish I had something profound at this point, as this is my 4,000^th post. 60,000 hits. That's about it. I think I'm going to go fishing.

Labels: pointless milestone

Posted 4/02/2008 05:48:00 PM by Douglas

It's anniversary time here at crap-blog, so happy birthday to me! And like most six year-olds, I've developed the subtle sophistication you'd expect from most second graders.

I don't really have anything to commemorate today, so I'll just say I have no idea where this has been, and even less where it's going. But honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I've enjoyed both of you (you know who you are!) stopping by!

Labels: pointless milestone

Posted 2/03/2008 02:52:00 PM by Douglas

This is post 3,501 here at crap blog. Coming up on the sixth anniversary, too, but don't worry, that will have its own pointless milestone. I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, but thanks for showing up!

Labels: pointless milestone

Posted 12/27/2007 08:42:00 PM by Douglas

Most of you know I'm as fond of pointless milestones as the next guy, but over my Christmas hiatus, the crap blog topped out at over 50,000 hits. I don't know what that means or if it's worth noting but I find it interesting for the simple fact that it's about ten times more people that lived in the county where I grew up. So anyway, here is a picture of a turtle I took this week:

We thought he was dead when we found him sitting in 40º water, but he was just hungry.

Labels: pointless milestone

Posted 4/17/2007 05:57:00 PM by Douglas

I started this blog over five years ago with one simple goal: to force a paradigm shift in American journalism, thus securing the continued and future financial success for my family for years to come. After I sobered up, I decided to post random crap I find on the internet along with hysterical rants that those around me have become bored with. Five years later, this is my 3,000th post. Hard to imagine I actually believed that on 3,000 separate occasions, anyone gave a shit what I think about electric cars. Even more hard to believe is that almost 40,000 people, through no fault of their own, have clicked on this site. In their defense, most of them were looking for pr0n. So in keeping with my tradition of pointless milestones, I thought I'd compile something meaningful. But since I'm apparently incapable, here's a list of crap. Some of it's actually true.

• I once met Dan Aykroyd at the 6th floor Museum in Dallas
  
• I've been forcibly ejected from more than one keroke bar for singing louder than the person with the microphone
• To this day, I'm still ridiculed by my family for naming my childhood dog after myself
• I don't believe in the existence of Delaware
• When are we as a society going to develop another name for unsalted saltines?
• The teapot dome scandal was not the beginning of the decline of Harding's control of his administration
• My brother can eat his own weight in okra
• In 6th grade I won an essay contest and got to ride on a wagon train
• I've been rejected for Mensa, Jeopardy, and my local chapter of the Junior League
• Cucumbers taste better pickled. Deal with it, cucumbers
• I've taken a course taught by the inventor of the Lithium-Ion battery
• Tarantino loosely based the character of Mr. Pink in Reservoir Dogs on a conversation we had at a Denver Waffle House
• I know π to 11 decimal places

And it goes on like this. . .

I might add to this later, but for now, this is it. Thanks for stopping by, and by all means, send me an email to tell me how nuts I am.

Labels: 3000th post, pointless milestone

Posted 11/03/2005 05:35:00 PM by Douglas

When it comes to pointless and arbitrary milestones, I'm just as sentimental as the next guy. So in honor of my 10,000th hit here at crap-blog, I thought it was about time for the obligatory "about me" post. I think I'll probably add to this, but for now, here's a bit of info about your humble host:

• Chicken wings technically aren't even food.
  
• Relying on your car's bumper to express political, religious, or socioeconomic affiliations merely reveals that you're incredibly shallow or stupid. Sometimes both.
  
• Flu shots don't do a damn thing.
  
• Pancho and Lefty were the same person.
  
• Pluto is definitely not a planet, and probably not even a dog, either.
  
• Paying with a check at the express lane at the grocery store should be punishable by mandatory imprisonment.
  
• I'm philosophically opposed to soccer: It's the "Marxist concept of the labor theory of value applied to sports."
  
• Your co-workers in the office don't give a shit about the funny sit-com you saw on TV last night.
  
• The unstated purpose of television news and weather is to scare the crap out of old people.
  
• That comic strip you read that you think is so poignant is, in fact, trite and poorly drawn.
  
• People that use a gas grill to cook meat shouldn't even bother wasting their time.
  
• Make basketball interesting: Give each team 100 points and only 2 minutes to play.
  
• Blogging is a pointless waste of time typically engaged in by wanna be politicos, overwrought high school girls, or both.
  
• There's no discernable difference between the Democratic and Republican parties.
  
• The only natural state of any system in the universe is decay.
  
• Cheap, domestic beer may taste like piss, but drinking a $9 imported beer makes you look like an asshole.
  
• Great Mexican food is a sign from above that God truly loves us all. Bad Mexican food is a sign you're going to be in the bathroom for a long, long time wishing you hadn't ordered that chimichanga.
  
• Children are our future. So please don't get huffy when I glare at you when the future won't stop kicking the back of my fucking seat in the airplane.
  
• People that are daunted by story problems have no business operating motor vehicles, home appliances, or voting.
  
• The designated hitter rule is ruining the American League.
  
• Doctors spend four years in medical school to empirically tell you something that you already know.
  
• Anyone, male or female, young or old, driving a Mustang, is an asshole.
  
• If God can't create a stone so large that he can't move it, he's a pussy.
  
• The only people that like fried turkey are those that don't really like turkey in the first place.
  
• Stadium-arena concerts are a frustratingly pointless waste of time.
  
• No one in the country has any idea how to use an apostrophe.
  
• College is over. Get on with your life.
  
• There is a fine line between a well manicured lawn and severe alcoholism.
  
• A perfunctory comprehension of compound interest should be mandatory before a bank issues anyone a credit card.
  
• A tax is the way a government punishes you for getting off of welfare.
  
• There's absolutely no difference between hamsters and gerbils.
  
• The diamond industry has convinced us all to pay a 1,000% markup on a tiny piece of carbon that isn't even rare, gemologically speaking.
  
• I just made up the word gemologically.
  
• If you order the $13 fajitas at a Mexican restaurant you're a total idiot.
  
• People married to people that are obviously disproportionately more attractive than they are have no business getting photographs made.
  
• Ranch dressing is vegetable's very own ketchup.
  
• Buffets are a great place to eat if you aren't picky about taste, love huge portions, and don't mind hepatitis.
  
• Chiropractors exist because some people enjoy a weekly back-rub from a guy in a white coat.
  
• Wind-chill factors are made up, arbitrary and totally pointless numbers used by TV weathermen to scare us.

Labels: pointless milestone