Posted 10/04/2007 11:52:00 AM by Douglas

Sherry is such an urbane liquor. But not when you serve it, Freeport style!

Michael Warner, a 58-year-old machine shop operator, died at the couple's Lake Jackson home on May 21, 2004. According to an autopsy report, Warner had been administered an enema with enough sherry to get a blood alcohol level of 0.47. That is almost six times the level that can lead to a driving while intoxicated charge.

At the time Warner was indicted, Lake Jackson police detective Robert Turner said that Michael Warner was a longtime alcoholic who sometimes used enemas to get drunk because a medical condition made it painful for him to drink.

This has been going on for a while, but it's good to see that the D.A. finally wised up and dropped the charges. If he had a history of drinking and enemas, proving she did it would be tough.

Brazoria County District Attorney Jeri Yenne said Wednesday that the grand jury originally believed there was probable cause for indictment, but prosecutors became convinced that there wasn't enough evidence to bring the case to trial.

"This was an unusual case in that there was a consent issue," Yenne said. "It is as if I were dying of lung cancer and you brought me cigarettes."

And? How is that illegal? I think we all enjoy a nice smoke after our Freeport Cocktail!

Labels: Freeport Cocktail

Posted 2/10/2005 05:14:00 PM by Douglas

Just when I thought the death by enema story couldn't get any stranger, I stand corrected.

A Lake Jackson widow denied Wednesday that she provided the alcohol that led to her husband's death from a sherry enema.

Tammy Jean Warner said her husband, Michael Warner, 58, not only had a longtime alcohol problem but had been addicted to enemas since he was a child.

And how, exactly, does that happen? I'll just hit the high points of this story as I try to pick up my jaw off my desk.

"It all started back when he was a child," Warner said. "His mother used to give him enemas all the time, and he started to depend on them all the time."

She said he paid $1,000 to study colonics at a school and corresponded with other enema users on the Internet. Not all of his enemas involved liquor, she said.

"He did coffee enemas, he did Castile soap, Ivory soap," she said. "He had enema recipes."

Now there's a cookbook I don't want to read.

"My husband told me he loved me more than anything in the world except for God," she said. "I'm not ashamed of my husband because I loved him, and I supported him 1,000 percent, whatever he wanted to do. That's the way he went out, and I'm sure that's the way he wanted to go out because he loved his enemas."

Warner said that when she woke up the morning of May 21, she had no idea her husband, who had his arm around her in bed, was dead.

Waking up with your spouse's dead arm laying on you is creepy enough. Add on top of that the alcohol poisoning and the tube hanging out of his ass, and you've got the makings of the nastiest Lifetime movie ever to spew forth from some Hollywood hack's Powerbook.

Labels: Freeport Cocktail

Posted 2/03/2005 05:17:00 PM by Douglas

New warning label for sherry bottles? "Contents to be taken orally only."

Investigators say a Lake Jackson woman caused her husband's death by giving him a sherry enema, leading to alcohol poisoning. The enema caused his blood alcohol level to soar to 0.47 percent — almost six times the legal intoxication limit, a toxicology report showed.

Tammy Jean Warner, 42, was indicted on a charge of negligent homicide. She is also charged with burning the will of her husband, Michael Warner, a month before his death on May 21.

That's odd. Most wives just break the will of their husbands.

Michael Warner, a 58-year-old machine shop owner, had a long history of alcoholism, but couldn't ingest alcohol by mouth because of painful medical problems with his throat, said Lake Jackson police detective Robert Turner. The enema was a way he could become intoxicated without drinking alcohol, Turner said.

Ouch. If you've resolved to ingesting alcohol up your bum, maybe it's time you dried out. And why sherry?

Labels: Freeport Cocktail