Posted 8/29/2004 01:03:00 PM by Douglas

The blog has now even begun to annoy me, so it's going to a take some time off. Hopefully, it'll be back some time soon. It would like to extend its deepest apologies for the void it is leaving in the internet. Now, where are people going to go online to find the screeds of a ranting lunatic?

Posted 8/29/2004 12:50:00 PM by Douglas

Interesting (possibly) article about Bush's tax cut, and while I don't fully understand the chart, it raises a few good questions.

First off, since the IRS taxes us proportionately, higher incomes pay higher taxes. But when these rates are lowered, those opposed to the cuts always refer to the straight dollar amount of the reduction, and not the proportionate percentages. So it's true that higher income taxpayers get a larger cut in terms of dollar amount, but considering their proportion was higher to begin with, it hardly seems unfair.

Secondly, I think both political parties are equally repugnant, but I'm sick of hearing the republican party referred to as Rich White Folk. Last time I checked, Kerry was a billionaire (with a B) and Edwards was a multi-millionaire (and a personal injury attorney, too). Not exactly a cross-section of America.

Also, who the hell in their right mind would complain about any tax cut? I don't care that I only got back an extra $300 in 2001. It's better than not getting $300, isn't it? I don't care what kind of rebate Bill Gates received.

Finally, that chart shows that everyone's tax responsibility has decreased. How is that even possible? Are we to believe that the government is operating on less money? That they've actually decreased in operating expense since 2001? Turns out that the republicans are just as good at blowing our money and "expanding government" as the democrats are.

The only solution? Don't vote. It only encourages them.

Posted 8/29/2004 12:45:00 PM by Douglas

What does The New York Times think about the United States Constitution?

"It's a ridiculous setup."

Ok, maybe that's a stretch, but considering how our representational democracy has been eroded over the last 200 years, I think it's right on the money.

The United States should abolish its electoral college because it creates the possibility that the president will be a candidate who loses the popular vote, the New York Times said on Sunday.

"Most people realized then for the first time that we have a system in which the president is chosen not by the voters themselves, but by 538 electors," the editorial said. "It's a ridiculous setup."

After the 2000 elecetion, I can't believe this is the first we're hearing about this.

Posted 8/28/2004 09:11:00 AM by Douglas

"The state has custody of the finger, but we don't have a body." Gotta love a story that starts off with a severed finger.

A man's severed ring finger by the bathroom sink, a misery-filled farewell note threatening death by drowning and a taped monologue lamenting a failed marriage — Galveston County authorities felt certain the evidence in a Port Bolivar motel room pointed to suicide. An abandoned, bloodstained kayak bobbing in the Gulf of Mexico supported the scenario.

But there was one crucial problem: After three weeks of investigation, no one had found a body.

It doesn't sound like they're ever going to find out what happened to this guy.

Posted 8/28/2004 09:08:00 AM by Douglas

Ballunar weekend, and apparently I was directly in the flightpath. This was the view off my driveway this morning:

Posted 8/27/2004 09:19:00 PM by Douglas

Ya know that guy ahead of you in traffic that's listening to Milli Vanilli while eating a burrito? Do you want to give him access to fly in the same airspace you'd be flying in? Me neither.

It's a frustrated commuter's escapist fantasy: literally lifting your car out of a clogged highway and soaring through the skies, landing just in time to motor into your driveway.

Researchers stress that the ultimate dream — an affordable, easy-to-use vehicle that could allow regular people to fly 200 miles to a meeting and also drive 15 miles to the mall — is still probably decades away.

But engineers at NASA, Boeing Co. and elsewhere say the basis for a flying car is there. People have been building, or trying to build, such vehicles for decades.

Not that I'm trying to tick off any of my long-time readers about the government's stranglehold on General Aviation, and I certainly don't have anything negative to say about Boeing or NASA engineers, but take a good look around at idiots on the highways before you advocate giving these mouth-breathers access to another dimension.

Posted 8/27/2004 09:17:00 PM by Douglas

Six more citizens from the worker's paradise ignorantly flee in search of oppression from bourgeoisie imperialists in America this week. When will these people learn how perfect Castro's communism is?

A 58-year-old woman who reportedly spent two months lost at sea with five other Cubans before their small boat landed in Texas said today from her hospital bed that she was feeling stronger and grateful for her medical treatment.

The Cubans were weak, malnourished and dehydrated when their boat washed up on Mustang Island near Corpus Christi on Wednesday night. Arojo was found on their boat along with Miguel Diaz near a condominium complex. The other four were walking on the beach toward Port Aransas.

Imagine. . .heading for freedom. . .and ending up in Corpus Christi.

Cuba must really suck.

Posted 8/27/2004 08:36:00 PM by Douglas

One of the things I was looking forward to in this new millennium is some new headlines. And what do we have this year? President Bush invades Iraq, Michael Jackson accused of child molestation, and now, like clockwork, William Kennedy Smith is accused of rape.

The woman accusing William Kennedy Smith of sexually assaulting her five years ago says her goal is to stop his alleged behavior — not collect money.

Smith, who was cleared of rape charges in Florida in 1991, said Soulias demanded a $3 million payoff in exchange for not going to court. He said in a statement after the lawsuit was filed Wednesday that "family and personal history have made me unusually vulnerable to these kinds of charges."

Welcome to 2004. . . or as I like to call it. . . 1991.

Ladies, if you're thinking about dating OJ anytime soon, you'd better watch the hell out!

Posted 8/27/2004 08:28:00 PM by Douglas

Hey, ferryboat captain! Wanna go double or nothing that you get to keep your job?

A Bolivar Ferry captain is on a year's probation for allegedly leaving ferry controls unattended while she gambled at cards with crew members, state officials said.

Ferry Capt. Becky Johnson denies the allegation and says she's the victim of lies by a disgruntled fellow worker on the ferry system, which runs between Galveston and the Bolivar Peninsula and is operated by the Texas Department of Transportation.

I gamble every time I get on a Texas free-way, so the thought of the operators of a ferry gambling on the side is particularly disturbing.

Posted 8/27/2004 08:20:00 PM by Douglas

Say, we haven't had double-digit inflation in a while. Don't you 'spose it's about time? Alan Greenspan does, because he knows there's no way in hell that the U.S. Government is going to renege on Social Security payments for the 800 Kazillion Baby Boomers that are reaching retirement age. Social Security, the longest running state-sanctioned pyramid scheme is set to cavitate in 2010, when the first of the Boomers hit 65.

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said Friday the country will face "abrupt and painful" choices unless Congress acts quickly to trim Social Security and Medicare benefits for the baby boom generation. He said the government has promised more than it can deliver.

What?!? The government has promised more than it can deliver? Well whoever heard of that happening before??? Damn you!!! DAMN YOU, FDR!!!!!

Seriously, I'm sure they never thought it'd come to this, but it has. Now what? People my age are paying into the system with absolutely NO expectation of ever getting it back, at the same time the Boomers are all retiring and clamoring about reductions in their service. What a pickle this is, eh?

"We owe it to our retirees to promise only the benefits that can be delivered," he said. "If we have promised more than our economy has the ability to deliver ... as I fear we may have, we must recalibrate our public programs so that pending retirees have time to adjust through other channels."

Ka-chunk, Ka-chunk. . . hear that? That's the sound of the Treasury Department firing up the printing presses for some overtime to make more money to pay for the Boomer's SS benefits. That's the only place that this kind of money can come from, and considering what's at stake, they can't afford not to inflate the currency to provide stability.

I can only hope I'm hip deep in debt at that time, or else heavily vested in the precious metals. . . steel, brass & lead, or gold. Whatever works.

Labels: Federal reserve

Posted 8/25/2004 06:45:00 PM by Douglas

Just when I was wondering why my homeowner's insurance went up by 50% for the 4th straight year. Now I know why.

Insurance companies in Texas are on track to earn the highest profit since 1999, which could mean more rate reductions for homeowners, state lawmakers were told.

Reductions? What reductions? Thieving bastards. I love this mentality:

Mark Hanna, a spokesman for the Texas Insurance Council, an industry group, said he hopes the profitability trend continues. But he cautioned against making any decisions based on two quarters.

"All it takes is one Hurricane Charley to hit the (Texas) coast and wipe out every gain that was made," Hanna said.

And all it takes is four years with no hurricanes to give them the opportunity to walk away with all my freakin' money.

Bastards.

Posted 8/24/2004 05:54:00 PM by Douglas

Ike Turner's guide to international relations.

OK, America, you done fucked up again. Things got a little out of hand, and you went and blew up another country. Now you got everybody all mad at you, and you don't know what to do. Well, don't worry, America. Ike's been down this road before, and I know exactly how to handle it. You better listen to what I'm telling you, America. Ike knows what he's talking about, and Ike's willing to help you out as long as you do exactly what Ike says and stop being so stubborn. You dig?

Damn, that's funny, Ike. I think he's got some pretty good ideas.

Posted 8/24/2004 05:43:00 PM by Douglas

For some teachers, back to school can be a very emotionally draining time. Take Sherry Bartlett, for example. After three months of sleeping 'till noon, day-time TV and Margaritas for lunch, she had an especially rough first day.

A teacher heading to her first day at school this week was charged with drunken driving, but later returned to her class.

Sherry Bartlett, 45, a fifth-grade teacher at Slaughter Elementary, had a blood-alcohol content of .20 percent, more than twice the legal limit of .08, when she was arrested Tuesday morning.

Whatever gets you through the day, Sherry. Is a .20 BAL keeps you from slapping the crap out of a kid that desperately needs it, then they need a Daiquiri machine in the teacher's lounge at Slaughter Elementary.

Posted 8/24/2004 05:37:00 PM by Douglas

This one's just weird. Polygamist Mormons moving in to a small town in West Texas. Something tells me this one's not going to have a happy ending.

Accustomed to gabbing about the local Eagles football team over the back fences this time of year, the townsfolk of Eldorado are suddenly the state's armchair experts on fringe religions, moral relativism and separation of church and state.

The local library hasn't been able to keep up with requests for books about Mormonism after the breakaway group, the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, took up residence on the former game ranch north of Eldorado.

Hold the phone, Thelma, most folks don't like strangers movin' to town and telling them what it takes to get to heaven. Uh, what do they think it takes to get to heaven?

• The church leader is a prophet chosen by God through revelation.
• Men must have at least three wives to get to the celestial kingdom, heaven's highest plane. Marriages are arranged by revelation from the prophet.
• Women go to heaven only if their husbands take them.
• People who leave the church, "apostates," will be more damned than those who chose not to follow the religion.

Can't we all just get along?

Posted 8/24/2004 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

When cow-tipping just isn't enough. Cowhunter.com.

Combining the sport of 'Trophy Hunting' and cattle farming for consumtion, CattleHunter.com has turned an otherwise mundane process of slaughtering cattle into an enriching life experience for disabled teenagers and adults.

Under close supervision of trained cattle processing engineers and skilled marksman, disabled hunters are taught about gun safety as well as hunting tactics when stalking big game on the CattleHunter.com farms.

I wonder if this is a joke? This is just dumb enough to be legit.

Posted 8/24/2004 02:04:00 PM by Douglas

It's Tuesday. Time for the obligatory Gatisima picture.

Labels: gatisima

Posted 8/23/2004 05:37:00 PM by Douglas

Long-time readers sometime have long-time questions, and the question of the mysteriously appearing thong is no exception. Thanks, Long-time reader, this is pretty funny:

D.C. of Wellington owns a business with a large parking lot. He wrote: "Your question on lost underwear has been a question that has intrigued me for years. . . . Each morning I pick up (from the parking lot) the usual amount of empty beer bottles, hamburger wrappers, malt cups, condom wrappers and other assorted trash."

Hey, it's a small town? What else are you gonna do after you have your burger and a few beers? D.C. should be impressed and amazed that he still finds any condom wrappers on his lot. But then again, when the Planned Parenthood opens house directly across the street from the First Baptist Church, it's pretty miraculous in and of itself that teen pregnancy hasn't reached epic proportion in Collingsworth County. But what do I know? I don't pay hospital tax.

"One thing that continues to amaze me is the occasional finding of assorted female undergarments. I can understand giving your panties a fling in a moment of heated passion, but after the passion has cooled, it would seem to me that the person involved would notice she was not wearing underwear and look about to see where she might have mislaid them."

When you're twenty minutes past curfew, the whereabouts of your drawers will soon take the figurative backseat quicker than you took the literal one. Only with slightly less chaffeing.

"In the days of skirts it would seem rather drafty and the absence of panties would be noticed immediately. In modern times everyone seems to wear jeans; it would seem rather scratchy if there was nothing to cushion the rough seams. I will await your explanation of the runaway underwear. I have been puzzled for years about the subject."

Well, D.C., let me remind you of something you might have forgotten: When dating in a small town, not all the soldiers make it home unscathed. Sometimes the causality is $6 for a 4-pack of wine coolers, sometimes it's a movie in Childress or a pizza in Memphis. And sometimes, the causality is a thong.

God bless those holy soldiers for showing up to do battle.

Posted 8/23/2004 05:35:00 PM by Douglas

Shoot the Fark PhotoShop Cliche. Please don't ask what that sentence means.

Posted 8/22/2004 03:39:00 PM by Douglas

Damn, I hate the Olympics. What a pointless waste of time. Also, why is it that the majority of the pictures of "athletes" that have been displayed on yahoo have been of the women's beach volleyball teams? Am I the only one that's getting tired of this? Does that make me gay?

Because when I see a picture like this, I'm not thinking about two athletes that have worked hard all their lives to get to the top of their game. But it does involve a net, some balls, and a camera crew.

Ironic, really. . .

Posted 8/22/2004 03:19:00 PM by Douglas

The Star-Wars pre-quel trilogy sucks, but why listen to me? Why not take Qui-Gon Jinn's word for it?

"Ummm, well, they've kind of got silly now, haven't they?" actor Liam Neeson told The Toronto Sun yesterday while doing interviews for his latest film, the forthcoming ensemble romantic comedy Love Actually.

"That last (Star Wars movie) was just pyrotechnics, you know," Neeson said of Episode II -- Attack of The Clones, lamenting that the "computerized stuff" fails to connect with either the actors or audiences.

Pretty rough, Liam. I hope his comments don't hurt the franchise too bad. I'd hate to think that George Lucas would have to start riding the bus to work.

Posted 8/22/2004 03:15:00 PM by Douglas

I really think I need one of these. The bed I have now isn't even bullet-proof.

Posted 8/22/2004 03:00:00 PM by Douglas

Interesting, if not frightening article about the current state of home values in the People's Republic of California.

"We're headed into a society where we have housing haves and housing have-nots, where we have a rental class and a homeowner class," according to John Landis, chairman of the Department of City and Regional Planning at the University of California, Berkeley.

Leave it to the leavel-headed Ph.Ds at Berkeley to set the record straight. I wonder if he rents?

Before landing their Santa Monica condominium in April, Mary Becker and her husband lost out on two other condos - one priced at $384,000, the other at $390,000 - despite offering between $5,000 to $10,000 over the asking price. Both ultimately went to buyers who offered between $30,000 and $50,000 more.

"It was a big reality check," said Becker, a 26-year-old yoga instructor.

With a combined annual income of around $140,000, the couple eventually landed a two-bedroom condominium for $465,000 - nearly double what they set out to spend. Their total monthly housing bill: $2,200.

"We did extend to our max just about," she said. "So we're kind of dealing with how to make that all work."

First off, I know it's a beach community, but $400K for a Condo? Also, how does a yoga instructor pull down $140K a year? It doesn't say what her husband does, but dang, what am I doin' getting up every morning.

Another story of overbidding getting out of control.

Hollywood attorney Ingrid Auyon swore she wouldn't enter a bidding war, but ended up offering $35,000 over the $575,000 asking price for the 1,000-square-foot home she bought in the spring.

"All the things I didn't want to do, I had to do," said Auyon, 29. "I feel a little embittered."

$575 per square foot! I'd feel a bit more than embittered. But how are these granola eatin' bean sprouts paying to live in paradise?

To afford the prices, some first-time buyers opt for interest-only loans, which help lower monthly mortgage payments because buyers initially pay off only interest - but don't let them build any equity. Unable to meet the standard 20 percent downpayment requirement, many first-time buyers are financing more and more of the total cost, according to Marshall Friedman, branch manager for America One Finance in Agoura Hills.

So, they're paying out the nose for a condo, and they're only paying interest on the note without building equity. Sounds an awful lot like renting an apartment, to me. What would happen if the property didn't appreciate? Then they've borrowed more than it's worth, without paying down the loan by a single cent?

"I can't afford this property to decline in value," Auyon said. "I'm banking on appreciation."

I imagine it's something they don't like to think about.

Say what you will about Texas, but at least I don't have to turn a bedroom into a meth lab to help pay the mortgage.

Posted 8/20/2004 05:28:00 PM by Douglas

"Ma'am, how often do you floss? No, really. . . . The entrepreneurial spirit is alive and well in Pasadena:

A Pasadena dentist who offered to reduce a female patient's bill in exchange for a sexual favor was charged with solicitation of prostitution, according to Pasadena police.

Det. J.E. Bell said a patient in her early 20s went to the office of Anthony ****** at 2911 Strawberry on Aug. 6 for some cosmetic dental work. While the woman was in the dentist's chair, ****** allegedly offered to reduce her dental bill by $50 if she performed a sexual act on him. The patient did not respond to ******'s suggestion, Bell said.

When the woman was paying her bill, ****** again offered to reduce her bill in exchange for a sexual favor. The offer was witnessed by a third person.

Prostitution? I don't know about that. Creepy, yes, but he didn't anymore solicit prostitution than any guy does when they spends big bucks on a date with an expectation of something more later on.

I say give the guy a break, he's up to his elbows in people's stinkin' mouths scraping teeth all day.

Ed Note:Had to obfuscate the name of the dentist in this story. Got the back-story from an anonomous email, and it scared the shit out of me. The good Doctor's name was La Kind. Except backwards.

Labels: crazy dentist

Posted 8/19/2004 05:29:00 PM by Douglas

Why do game wardens need fully-automatic military rifles? They just do, and why are you asking so many questions?

Texas game wardens are about to get some new weapons - surplus M-16s from the military.

Col. James Stinebaugh, director of the Texas Wildlife and Parks Department, said the federal government decided to donate the surplus rifles to law enforcement agencies.

The state will have to pay for training for the game wardens. All of the more than 400 game wardens in the state are expected to receive the rifles within the next few weeks.

The M-16s will replace mini M-14 rifles wardens now have.

"The only difference is it has selector on it, which would allow it to be fired full automatic instead of semiautomatic," Stinebaugh said.

A TWPD official in the Rio Grande Valley said the weapons will help game wardens along the coast who encounter people who are well-armed.

Obviously I have no idea what a game warden does, because I can't possibly imagine a situation where a warden enforcing fishing and/or hunting laws would need that much firepower. And even if they did, one warden with an M-16 isn't going to out-gun your average East-Texas hunting excursion, which typically carries more weapons and ammo than a 19th century militia.

But if the Army truly wants to be charitable, why not give surplus weapons to those that could actually use them? Say, for example, public school teachers?

Posted 8/18/2004 05:57:00 PM by Douglas

Dust off your tin-foil hats, as it seems the great Northeast Blackout of 2003 was done as part of a secret experiment to study air pollution along the Ohio River valley. Here's an abstract and here's some more even crazier commentary.

The massive Northeast blackout of a year ago not only shut off electricity for 50 million people in the US and Canada, but also shut off the pollution coming from fossil-fired turbogenerators in the Ohio Valley. In effect, the power outage was an inadvertent experiment for gauging atmospheric repose with the grid gone for the better part of the day. And the results were impressive.

On 15 August 2003, only 24 hours after the blackout, air was cleaner by this amount: SO2 was down 90%, O3 down 50%, and light-scattering particles down 70% over "normal" conditions in the same area. The haze reductions were made by University of Maryland scientists scooping air samples with a light aircraft.

The observed pollutant reductions exceeded expectations, causing the authors to suggest that the spectacular overnight improvements in air quality "may result from underestimation of emission from power plants, inaccurate representation of power plant effluent in emission models or unaccounted-for atomospheric chemical reactions."

Considering I work in the space program with people that think we faked the moon landing, I must say, as far as conspiracy theories go, this one's got legs. But honestly, the University of Maryland? That's the best they could do? Don't we need the Trilateral Commission, the Council on Foreign Relations, a gigantic oil company, or at the very least, the Freemasons for a conspiracy theory to really get off the ground?

Posted 8/18/2004 05:52:00 PM by Douglas

Finally, the Houston city council is considering measures to return the city to that pristine, sparkling city by the bay.

Councilwoman Shelley Sekula-Gibbs, the only physician on the City Council, is studying smoking ordinances in other cities with an eye toward proposing what would be Houston's first outright ban on smoking in workplaces, bars and restaurants.

The ban would be on smoking in public places — anyplace that conducts business and where people would gather, not in residences," she said. "Smoking and secondhand smoke are dangerous for all Houstonians, and that's why we are looking to move forward."

Mayor Bill White, who controls the council's agenda, said he might support adjusting the city's existing smoking restrictions, but would not commit to a full ban.

That should do it. I'm sure Houston would start to sparkle in no time.

Posted 8/17/2004 05:37:00 PM by Douglas

Five posts today. Anyone paying attention? A dead cat, some dead mosquitoes, a dead playwright, some banned activities, and discount death boxes. What's going on?

And Dave, as long as we're stuck on the death theme, would it kill you to email me once in a while?

Posted 8/17/2004 05:32:00 PM by Douglas

Wal-mart must be behind the curve on this one: Discount Caskets!:

Whether you're in the market for a good night's sleep or the eternal kind, there's now a discount store somewhere that has you covered.

On Monday, Costco Wholesale Corp., better known for bulk chicken and cases of soda, started test marketing caskets along side mattresses at a North Side Chicago store and one in suburban Oak Brook.

"This is certainly something that can be an easy value," said Gina Bianche, a buyer in Costco's corporate office in Issaquah, Wash. "I don't want to say cheap value, but it just needs to be done."

Having never been to a Costco, I'm wondering if they have a tire/lube shop in the back? If so, then the family Truckster could get an oil change while your family picks out your casket. Maybe they'll even add an "embalming lane" in the lube garage to make it a truly one-stop shopping experience.

Add a case of Bud, some chicken wings, a pair of flip-flops, a lawn chair, and some tampons, and hell, you've got one hell of a family outing!

After all, it's gonna be a somber moment.

Posted 8/17/2004 05:24:00 PM by Douglas

Jump on the ban-wagon while there's still chance. Lots of link here, and sadly, none of them seem absurd to the ban-o-matics, but I think this one has to be my favourite, for the wording if nothing else.

PUBLICAN'S WARNING OVER PROPOSED LAW CHANGE
YOUNGSTERS could turn to drugs if controversial plans to ban under-21-year-olds from strong booze are adopted.

Where was that logic when I was in High School? "Quick, give 'em a shot before they smoke some weed!!!"

Posted 8/17/2004 05:17:00 PM by Douglas

So it's come to this. An Oscar Wilde quote on the blog. The blog has had to take a long, hard look at itself today, so this is the perfect link of reflection. Plus, even when you consider what a wack-o Oscar was, he could spin a good yarn.

• Nothing that actually occurs is of the smallest importance.
• Dullness is the coming of age of seriousness.
• If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner of later, to be found out.
• Time is waste of money.
• The only way to atone for being occasionally a little over-dressed is by being always absolutely over-educated.
• To be premature is to be perfect.
• Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.

Holy Crap! I think we just found a new banner for the blog! How perfect! Thank God we're not there. . . yet!

• A truth ceases to be true when more than one person believes in it.
• In examinations the foolish ask questions that the wise cannot answer.
• Greek dress was in its essence inartistic. Nothing should reveal the body but the body.
• One should either be a work of art, or wear a work of art.
• It is only the superficial qualities that last. Man's deeper nature is soon found out.
• The ages live in history through their anachronisms.
• The old believe everything : the middle-aged suspect everything : the young know everything.
• The condition of perfection is idleness : the aim of perfection is youth.
• Only the great masters of style ever succeed in being obscure.

Posted 8/17/2004 05:09:00 PM by Douglas

Welcome to Phoenix! It may be 102ºF, but at least it's too hot for mosquitoes, right? Right?!? What about West Nile Epidemic carrying mosquitoes? No?

With triple-digit heat and nearly nonexistent rainfall, Phoenix seems an unlikely spot for this year's West Nile virus epicenter. Yet, federal health officials say Arizona is the only state where the mosquito-borne virus is an epidemic.

"Minnesota may be the land of a thousand lakes, but we're the land of thousands of abandoned swimming pools," says Will Humble, head of disease control for the Arizona Department of Health Services.

Those swimming pools, plus irrigation canals that slice through parts of the city, patio misters and lush lawns designed to remind transplants of gardens they left behind have inadvertently turned neighborhoods into oases for mosquitoes.

Well that's just super. Come on, Arizona Department of Health, at least you can put a positive spin on things.

So far this year, at least 290 of the nation's more than 500 West Nile cases are in Arizona; three of the 14 deaths were in Arizona. Nearly all the cases have been in the state's most populous county, Maricopa, which includes the Phoenix metro area.

State health officials estimate at least 30,000 Arizonans may have the virus without knowing it. Some people never have symptoms at all. Only about 1 percent of West Nile victims develop the potentially dangerous inflammation of the brain or spinal cord — meningitis or encephalitis.

Boy, that would look great on the travel brochures, wouldn't it? How 'bout the license plate? "Welcome to Arizona: Only 1% of you will develop permanent neural damage."

Good Luck, Kids!

Posted 8/17/2004 02:04:00 PM by Douglas

It's Tuesday. Time for the obligatory Gatisima picture.

Labels: gatisima

Posted 8/16/2004 05:06:00 PM by Douglas

Someone sent this to me today. I probably shouldn't post it, but I thought it was kinda funny:

• Muslims don't recognize Judaism as a religion.
• Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
• Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the Christian church
• Baptists don't recognize each other at Hooter's

Posted 8/16/2004 05:01:00 PM by Douglas

Update to yesterday's Hurricane Charley story. The politically convenient quote from Bush about his timeliness to survey the damage has been removed from the link posted yesterday. It can be found here if anyone's interested and/or thinks I made it up.

I expect the black helicopters to be here in three, two. . . .

Posted 8/15/2004 12:40:00 PM by Douglas

Charley has come and gone, and now for the aftermath

As the remnants of Hurricane Charley disintegrated off the New England coast on Sunday, Florida residents began the massive task of cleaning up from a storm that state officials estimated caused damages as high as $11 billion for insured homes alone.

And let's not forget about opportunists that use this tragedy to suit their own needs. Let's start with the president.

Asked about why he made such a quick trip to Florida in this election year, Bush said: "Yeah, if I didn't come, they would've said we should have been here more rapidly."

Wouldn't that just be horrible: After $11 billion in damages and 14 lives, it would be tragic if Kerry accused him of not showing up rapidly.

Political opportunism is one thing, but what about the real blood suckers: Looters.

Posted 8/15/2004 12:23:00 PM by Douglas

Just in time for Christmas, it's Suicide Bomber Barbie.

"Even G.I. Joe would think twice before trying to pick up this blonde bombshell."

Posted 8/13/2004 05:53:00 PM by Douglas

You know that Red Adair is in heaven. Hell would be too afraid that he'd put out all the flames.

More than 350 people, many wearing red - Adair's favorite color - crowded the funeral home chapel where Adair's mahogany casket was covered with red roses.

His red firefighting jumpsuit and silver helmet were hung nearby, not far from a fire extinguisher with the words: "Liberated from Iraq Fire Station A69."

Rest in Peace, Red.

Posted 8/13/2004 05:18:00 PM by Douglas

Imagine that. Big planes like the 747 lose money for airlines. Kinda makes Airbus' $12 Billion investment on the 600-passenger A380 seem like a giant steaming turd. Emphasis on "giant."

Posted 8/12/2004 05:20:00 PM by Douglas

An asinine story about a stupid city official that shut down a children's lemonade stand actually has a happy ending.

Two seventh grade girls really know a thing or two about turning lemons into lemonade. They were doing a booming business at their lemonade stand Wednesday — a day after a neighbor complained and the city Health Department temporarily put them out of business.

But the girls said a Health Department inspector told them Tuesday they didn't have the proper business licenses and were selling unsafe ice cubes. The girls were using powdered lemonade mix with ice cubes bought from a store.

Pretty stupid that they got called out because some sore-headed old crank didn't want them on their walkway, but what happens when the city's health commissioner shows up?

Melba Moore, the city's health commissioner, said temporary food and beverage vendors are supposed to obtain permits, but that doesn't apply to children's lemonade stands.

"It should not have happened. And I apologize," said Moore, who gave the girls $3 Wednesday for a 25-cent cup of lemonade.

Wow, a public servant with a brain! And she even tips!

Posted 8/12/2004 05:17:00 PM by Douglas

Why I love the Amarillo Globe-News. They can make the story of a naked guy at the mall sound interesting. Why? Because it is. Just check out the headline:

In search of the 100-percent-off pants deal

A 19-year-old Amarillo man made an au naturel appearance at Westgate Mall on Wednesday morning, shocking onlookers who got quite a bit more than they bargained for on their shopping trips.

Not counting, of course, those that went to Westgate mall with the intent to see a naked 19 year old man. Keep in mind mall shoppers are primarily women, so the naked man wasn't a disappointment to everyone.

The man reportedly drove around the mall parking lot for as long as 30 minutes, stopping several times to put on a show in his birthday suit for bystanders before mall security took him into custody.

Well what kind of show are we talking about? Juggling? Interpretive dance? It sounds like it may have been the cultural event of the season in Amarillo. . .

The man apparently wanted to check out the selection in other parts of the mall, so he moved to several other areas of the parking lot.

I'm no police pathologist or a criminal psychologist, but I think that he wanted others to check out his selection in other areas of the parking lot, not the other way around.

Hey, was he naked when he left the jail?

No word was available Wednesday on what he was wearing when he left the jail.

Whew! We all know how constricting that orange denim can be, right?

Posted 8/12/2004 05:10:00 PM by Douglas

Thank God that the Texas Department of Transportation is getting up every morning and protecting the citizens of Texas from the things that threaten us the most. Trees.

Carlos Lopez, the director of traffic operations for TxDOT, and his contingent were in Canadian on Tuesday afternoon to explain the department's plan to cut down trees to make the highways safer.

The original plan was to cut down 1,187 trees within 30 feet of U.S. 60 and U.S. 87 from Pampa to Canadian to Perryton. Tomlinson said the 30-foot designation provided a safety zone, but he said that in some instances there were alternatives such as putting guardrails around trees.

I know folks on the Panhandle Plains are a bit uncomfortable around trees, but trust me on this one, there are lots of people that live around many trees that are able to negotiate these obstacles with relative ease. I realize when a single tree is the only thing obstructing your view for 40 miles, you could see it as an danger, or even an eyesore. But trees are relatively hard to miss, and they rarely just sneak up on you.

"I think Texas would be poorer to cut down any of these trees," said Dr. Malouf Abraham, a retired physician from Canadian.

If Dr. Abraham can't get TxDoT to take their chainsaws elsewhere, no one can.

Labels: Killer Trees

Posted 8/12/2004 05:01:00 PM by Douglas

Let's say you get drunk and kill an old lady while driving a rental car. Who's at fault? The rental car company, of course.

A Harris County jury on Wednesday awarded $24.7 million to the family of a woman killed by a drunken driver who had rented a car despite having multiple citations and a suspended license.

Jurors held the driver responsible, as well as his car insurance company and the rental car agency.

Enterprise spokeswoman Christy Conrad told the Associated Press that Tate had presented the company with a valid driver's license.

So because this guy lied to the rental company, they get penalized for doing business with him, and because he didn't have any money. That's just super.

Posted 8/11/2004 05:13:00 PM by Douglas

Secret fantasy number 587: I've always wanted to see what a postage stamp would look like with my likeness on it. My face, my butt, me chuggin' a beer. It really doesn't matter. Now it doesn't have to.

Posted 8/11/2004 05:08:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like the Pixies are getting back together, so who the hell is Charles Thompson?

The Pixies, pioneers of alternative rock in the 1990s, are back after a 12-year hiatus and riding a whole new wave of success. But according to lead singer Charles Thompson, they'll be doing one thing differently this time around — they won't be rushing to find a label.

Well hey, what's the hurry? Pixies or no Pixies. It's just not the same if you're not going to call yourself "Black Francis."

One thing's for sure. Joey Santiago still looks like a total freak, although I think he used to have hair.

Posted 8/10/2004 05:23:00 PM by Douglas

I'm so sick of "it's the gun's fault it shot me" stories that I'm really getting tired of posting them, but there are aspects of this one that kinda stand out.

Last year the teen won a record $24 million judgment against Bryco Arms, its distribution arm and its owner. Bryco was forced into bankruptcy, and on Thursday, a federal judge in Florida will auction off 75,600 unassembled guns and other remaining assets.

Maxfield hopes to buy the inventory, melt it down and create a sculpture from the metal. It is tempting to see divine retribution in such a scheme, but the teen and his lawyer, Richard Ruggieri, insist revenge is not their motivation — they simply want to make sure no one else is hurt.

How 'bout melting down the person that shot him? Wouldn't that be easier?

Maxfield's life-changing injury happened when he was 7 and a 20-year-old family friend who was baby-sitting thought he heard a suspicious noise and grabbed a gun from a dresser drawer. The baby sitter called Brandon's mother, who instructed him to immediately unload the .38-caliber pistol. While trying to do that, the baby sitter accidentally pulled the trigger.

But they said the gun maker also was liable because the pistol could only be unloaded when its trigger safety catch was switched off.

I'm pretty familiar with semi-auto handguns, and I have no idea how this is even possible. But regardless of this "defect" that made this particular gun dangerous, someone still had to pull the trigger!! It's horrible that this kid was paralyzed, but the parents bought the gun and left it accessible, and the babysitter pulled the trigger. Seems like they've have about as much to do with incident as McDonald's does with making people fat. Oh yeah, we're trying to get that precedent set, too.

Posted 8/10/2004 02:04:00 PM by Douglas

It's Tuesday. Time for the obligatory Gatisima picture.

Labels: gatisima

Posted 8/09/2004 10:29:00 PM by Douglas

Bill Clinton and The Daily Show. What could go wrong? I love this quote:

Of all the 20th century's presidents, I think we can safely say of Bill Clinton that he was the most recent. He's on The Daily Show tonight; make some popcorn, round up your snarkiest friends, and entertain the terrifying thought that, relative to our 2004 choices, he doesn't seem all that bad anymore.

I guess everything is relative, isn't it?

Posted 8/09/2004 05:28:00 PM by Douglas

My dying wish? To have my obituary in The London Telegraph. Or maybe just to be as well written as any obit in a British paper. Those chaps can write an obit, I tell ya. Check out what they've done with Rick James. [Yes, registration is required, but damn worth it!]

Latterly, he had returned to the American public consciousness as the butt of sketches by the comedian Dave Chappelle, whose exclamation "I'm Rick James, bitch!" has become something of a popular catchphrase. James himself had completed his autobiography, Memoirs of a Super Freak; and there has been talk of a film of his life.

Recently he had spoken of his relief at no longer waking up with 10 strange women in his bed, uncertain whether it was day or night on account of the aluminium foil he had taped over the windows. He died in Los Angeles on Friday.

Rick James was twice married and divorced, and is survived by two sons and a daughter.

Relief of no longer waking up with 10 strange women in his bed? And celebrities wonder why we hate them so much. . .

Labels: Telegraph Obits

Posted 8/09/2004 05:17:00 PM by Douglas

If you're going 110 miles an hour on the freeway, and someone comes up behind you because you're going too slow, move your ass over! It's bad enough to find people parked in the left lane that can't even get it up to the speed limit, but I'm sick of the good Samaritan types out there that think it's their personal responsibility to slow traffic down to their own glacial pace just because they don't have anywhere they need to be.

Apparently, I'm not the only one.

Remember the saying: "Two wrongs don't make a right?" It's not your job to enforce the speed limits, which are kept below the normal speed of traffic because of poorly conceived environmental rules and the government's greedy desire to collect revenue from fines. Also, freeways are designed for very fast speeds; the design speed is usually higher than the legal limit.

Someone trying to obstruct traffic is creating a greater danger than a driver going faster than the artificially set limit.

Besides being monumentally unsafe, there's nothing more frustrating than being behind an "Aggie Road-Block" on a two lane freeway when two morons are side by side driving in formation at exactly the same speed.

I endorse a libertarian approach to traffic enforcement: If you haven't hit something, what have you done wrong?

"Lowering the freeway speeds in some Texas cities a few years back is not what's going to help reduce pollution," he wrote, "since bottled-up traffic causes more smog than the people doing 70-plus."

Folks, let's show some courtesy out there. If a right-hand lane is free, I always drive in it. The left lane is for passing only, unless the freeway is gridlocked. Go the speed you are comfortable with and allow others moving faster to safely go by.

What an amazing streak of rational driving advice? This guy's got it figured out. And he's a Libertarian? Who'd a thunk it?

Posted 8/09/2004 05:07:00 PM by Douglas

I'm not sure about this one, but this may be the first story ever to assert that missing ducks may be part of a conspiracy theory.

Traffic within the gated South Shore Harbour subdivision comes to a screeching halt some days. Not because of heavy car traffic, but to let a flock of ducks waddle across the road.

Such traffic woes are nonexistent these days as the duck population in the subdivision has dwindled to about 10 from what some would say was about 200. Where the ducks have gone is a mystery, especially to those who routinely fed the feathery friends.

Some are suspecting foul play.

Foul play?!? Get it? Snarf Snarf!

Posted 8/09/2004 04:31:00 PM by Douglas

A long-time reader pointed out today that there's excessive bias in the blog against general aviation mishaps going on throughout the state, and that the media unfairly accentuates plane crashes while largely ignoring the thousands of car crashes that happen every day. Is a plane crashing into your house a bigger story because it's a plane and not a car? I don't know, some could make a case for that argument, and I think reasonable people can disagree on the subject, but I don't think that there's a glaring public conspiracy against small planes. There might be, however, a conspiracy among those of us that are biased against small planes crashing into our homes, but I don't think that it's any greater than those of us that are biased against cars crashing into our homes, either..

So, in the interest of equal time, here's some information of the worst commercial airline disaster of all time. The Tenerife crash of KLM flight 4805 and Pan-Am 1736, two fully loaded 747s that met abruptly in the Canary Islands on March 27, 1977 17:06:50 (GMT), killing 578 people. And if you're really interested, check out the cockpit voice recorder in KLM 4805.

Posted 8/08/2004 01:29:00 PM by Douglas

I think I'm gonna like this site.

Posted 8/08/2004 01:21:00 PM by Douglas

Houston's light rail has not been a smooth ride. Besides the nicknames "Danger Train," the "Wham Bam Tram" and "A Streetcar Named Disaster," there are numerous websites chronicling its collisions. The Houston Chronicle has a site as well as the Wham-Bam-Tram counter. And they've got graphics!

In all fairness after seeing this incredible waste of money, the only people that are in danger of being hit are those that have their heads so far up there asses that they don't see the signs.

Sadly, that's the majority of Houston drivers.

Posted 8/08/2004 01:07:00 PM by Douglas

So you're thinking about dusting off your pilot's license and getting a little air time this summer. Here's some advice: Maybe you should go back and review some emergency procedures before you head out.

Two people died when a single-engine plane crashed and burst into flames in a remote area of the Hill Country Saturday evening, a Federal Aviation Administration spokesman said.

The Piper PA-32 crashed at about 6:30 p.m. in western Burnet County, about 15 miles southwest of Lampasas, after dropping off the radar at an FAA facility in Houston, said John Clabes, FAA spokesman for the southwest region.

Any particular reason small planes have been dropping from the sky like a Texas hail storm?

Including the two deaths Saturday, a total of 15 people have died the past week in five small-plane crashes in Texas. Another five Texans were killed when their single-engine plane crashed Monday in Missouri.

Looks like I might need a stronger umbrella.

Posted 8/07/2004 02:30:00 PM by Douglas

So what the heck are we supposed to do with it 'till the shuttle flies again? Everyone knows the Russians are strapped for cash, but is this really the time to buy them out?

NASA is prepared to work with its international space station partners to address a new demand from Russia that the United States pay for the continued launch of astronauts and supplies to the orbital outpost, a space agency spokesman said Wednesday.

"That is an issue they can raise, and it will be worked through the partnership," said Glenn Mahone, NASA's public affairs chief.

Russia's cash-strapped space agency issued the demand earlier Wednesday, telling the ITAR-Tass news agency that it expects to be compensated if the United States uses the Soyuz spacecraft to shuttle astronauts and supplies to the space station in 2005, The Associated Press reported.

So does that mean if we kick the Russians away from the ISS table with their hands out, that we'll finally gain control of the space station that we've paid 90% of? What's the freakin' hold up?

Posted 8/06/2004 07:26:00 PM by Douglas

I'm dead, biatch!! Poor Rick:

Flamboyant funk music pioneer Rick James, a dynamic performer whose sensuous 1981 dance hit "Super Freak" came to embody the ruinous excesses of his colorful life, died in his sleep on Friday of natural causes. He was 56.

Cocaine is a powerful drug.

Posted 8/05/2004 05:38:00 PM by Douglas

UT and A&M are going to build the world's largest telescope?

Two Texas universities, bolstered by a $1.25 million gift from Houston businessman George Mitchell, have joined a project that hopes to build the world's largest telescope.

If successful, the $400 million Giant Magellan Telescope is expected to collect 70 times more light than NASA's extraordinarily successful Hubble Space Telescope and could produce images that are 10 times sharper, allowing Earth-based observers to view the earliest formation of planets and galaxies.

It could be placed atop the Andes Mountains in Chile as early as 2015.

Why does this sound like a bad idea? UT and A&M collaborating on a telescope? You know they're going to be fighting over the eyepiece all the dang time. Where is the money coming from?

Mitchell, who made his fortunes in energy and real estate development, donated the money to his alma mater, Texas A&M University. The University of Texas at Austin, which runs the McDonald Observatory in the Davis Mountains of West Texas, has promised to match the funds over the next two years.

A&M needed a rich donor: UT just had it 'laying around' somewhere. Go figure.

Posted 8/05/2004 05:35:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like Wellington is getting the sign up just in time for the big ex-student weekend.

For the first time in decades, the lights will shine outside the Ritz Theatre.

The blade sign will brighten up East Avenue once again Friday after Wellborn Sign Co. replaced the neon lights. The restoration of the sign represents one more step to the rebuilding of the Ritz.

"The theater was built in '28 and the sign was added in the '40s," Wes Reeves, a board member of Historic Wellington Inc., said Wednesday. "(Wellborn Sign Co.) will restore the marquee next."

Sorry I'm going to miss this one, but I'll be front row center when they play The Last Picture Show.

Posted 8/05/2004 05:27:00 PM by Douglas

Man, these guys really seem to like their corn. But they're in Iowa, so what would you expect. So does that mean when they campaign in Nevada (another battleground state) they're both going to lose next month's mortgage payment when they get rolled by a stripper named Krystal? [Nod to TPRoS]

• Teresa, can I have some more nunchucks, I broke these?
• What the hell are these?? Get them off me. . get them off of me!!!
• My opponent says the days of two ears of corn are over. I say to you, the people of this great nation, that you have been mislead and deceived when it comes to corn. A new ear-a is soon to dawn on this great land. A day when every American has all the corn they could ever want. Corn Pops for breakfast, Fritos for lunch, and two, count 'em two big, fat, roastin' ears of sweet corn for you and your family.

• Four more ears! [Shamelessly lifted from TPRoS, but funny still.]
• Listen ear, corn, you got stuck in my teeth. You probably didn't think I's gonna add you to my "Axis of Evil," but guess what? You're in.
• Guess what, Osama. We're gonna find ya. And when we do, you're gonna find out where the term "corn-hole" came from.
• Aww shucks, who's got the butter?

Posted 8/05/2004 05:19:00 PM by Douglas

Another crazy woman runs over someone in Houston. This one looks almost accidental, and not nearly as entertaining as Clara Harris or Susan Wright.

Authorities have apprehended a 17-year-old girl charged in the July 23 death of a kindergarten teacher who was struck and killed by a car.

Breanna Zipf is in custody in DuPage County in Illinois near Chicago, said Lt. John Denholm of the Harris County Sheriff's Office.

Zipf was arrested at her aunt's house, authorities said, and is waiving extradition to Texas.

A warrant was issued for Zipf, who was charged in the July 23 accident in which Gwendolyn Davey, 38, was struck and killed while jogging with her dog.

Zipf's mother, Gloria Camry, had said late Wednesday that her daughter would turn herself in, but she did not say when.

Asked about the search for her daughter, Camry would only say, "I don't want to even be having this conversation. You're gonna have to talk to my lawyer."

You know you're in bad shape when you can't even get your own momma to make up a story for you.

Posted 8/05/2004 05:11:00 PM by Douglas

Good news for those in need of a knee replacement:

Washington's orthopedic surgeon was Dr. Lin Jones, who has performed a new, less painful, faster-healing knee-replacement procedure on about 100 patients since he introduced the technique in March at Memorial Hermann Southwest Hospital.

"Any patient who is strong beforehand will do well," Jones said. "They can't be obese or have a severe deformity as a result of arthritis. Otherwise, we can shorten their recovery time significantly."

Most candidates for knee replacement are between 60 and 80 — a growing portion of the population — so the procedure is expected to increase in frequency. The most common reason for degeneration in the knee joint is osteoarthritis, sometimes known as wear-and-tear arthritis. It can occur without previous injury to the joint, when the cartilage on the surface of the bone wears away. When that happens, bone rubs painfully on bone.

Ouch.

Posted 8/04/2004 07:24:00 PM by Douglas

The war on drugs has taken a real cease-fire in Amarillo. Crocheting?

On a warm summer night, three little girls sat in the park crocheting - and fighting crime.

The girls were attending "Give Crime and Drugs a Going Away Party," sponsored by Friends of San Jacinto on Tuesday night at San Jacinto Park.

The three girls crocheting long chains of white yarn at the FOSJ picnic learned the skill at America's Promise, an after-school enrichment program sponsored locally by FOSJ.

The community group - which has worked for years to rid San Jacinto of crime, trash and weeds - also oversees a community garden with about 25 plots and lobbies the city for neighborhood improvements, such as sidewalks.

You get 'em, little girls!

Posted 8/04/2004 07:15:00 PM by Douglas

I wonder when is the best time to go to Thailand for the monkey boxing?

A Thai zoo has been forced to halt orangutan boxing matches as police investigate allegations that the animals were illegally smuggled from Indonesia, a spokeswoman and police said Wednesday.

Police have been investigating the Safari World animal park near Bangkok since November after receiving complaints that it was keeping protected species without a permit.

Authorities ordered the zoo to keep the orangutans confined while a probe was being conducted. Some of the zoo's 115 orangutans have been trained to perform traditional Thai kickboxing onstage for tourists.

The zoo, however, continued to hold the bouts until earlier this week when it received a police warning.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this orangutan boxing match is for exhibition only, so, as usual, no wagering.

Posted 8/04/2004 07:13:00 PM by Douglas

Not a good week for general aviation:

LAKEWAY - The pilot of a small airplane fought for control of his spluttering aircraft above a women's golf tournament Tuesday before it plunged into a luxury home, killing all six people on board, witnesses said.

And let's not miss this one:

OLNEY -- Three people died today when a small plane crashed on takeoff at a North Texas airport, officials said.

Young County Sheriff Carey Pettus said the single-engine plane crashed around 9 a.m. on ranchland near an intersection in Olney. There were no injuries on the ground.

Federal Aviation Administration spokesman John Clabes said the plane appeared to crash and burn at the end of the runway at Olney Municipal Airport.

Posted 8/04/2004 07:09:00 PM by Douglas

Bush and Kerry, both in Davenport, Iowa. What could possibly go wrong? Apparently, a lot.

Two very different events. President George Bush in shirtsleeves at LeClaire Park. Sen. John Kerry in suit and tie talking economic issues at the RiverCenter.

After a morning of having the eyes of the world on Davenport with the convergence of two major political events, the Quad-Cities settled down to almost normal by early afternoon Wednesday.

Elsewhere in the city, three bank robberies within an hour Wednesday morning tested the Davenport police force, already stretched while trying to provide security at several sites and for the presidential motorcade.

Iowa: Come for the campaigning, stay for the armed robberies.

Posted 8/03/2004 05:19:00 PM by Douglas

Rest in Peace, Gatisima. I would say we'll miss you, but we've missed you ever since your kidney failure took you away from us many months ago.

I hope you go on to find even warmer paisley boxers to sleep on in the dryer.

Gatisima 1992(?)- August 3, 2004
We already miss you.

Labels: gatisima

Posted 8/03/2004 05:05:00 PM by Douglas

Holy crap! Looks like I'm about to lose about 60 pounds.

Schlotzsky's Inc., a delicatessen franchiser with more than 500 outlets in 36 states and six countries, filed on Tuesday for protection from its creditors under Chapter 11 of the federal bankruptcy laws.

Schlotzsky's said operations would continue normally during the financial restructuring. The Austin-based company owns 21 shops while franchisees own 492 stores.

The best thing to come out of Austin, Texas, besides myself, of course, are Stevie Ray Vaughan, Austin City Limits, and Schlotzsky's. Go out and eat one of their sandwiches. Now. I'll wait.

Posted 8/03/2004 04:57:00 PM by Douglas

I'm rich, biatch!!. Comedy Central knows a good thing when it sees it and renews Dave Chappelle for $50 Million.

The cable network, never averse to a little foul language or controversy, knows a hit when it has one on its hands. Chappelle's Show, which has had a successful run on the network for two seasons, has recently become one of the top-rated shows on cable television, averaging 3.1 million total viewers in its main Wednesday time slot. Chappelle's Show was also nominated for three Emmy Awards last month.

Mars, Bitches.

Posted 8/03/2004 04:15:00 PM by Douglas

So did your office of Homeland Security us their spin to take some wind out of the Dem's Convention sail? I don't know. How old was that intel?

The warning that key U.S. financial centers may be attacked by al Qaeda was based largely on three-year-old information, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge said on Tuesday, but some intelligence dated from January and he insisted the threat was still real.

Dude, it's a threat, not a blank check. Release that alert the Monday after the Dems have their convention, and yes, you're going to get branded a Republican shill. I guess it's good you're retiring.

Posted 8/01/2004 12:33:00 PM by Douglas

Who would have thought that Morgan Spurlock would be revealed as the attention whore that he is by a guy that ate even More McDonald's than he did, but actually lost weight? This guy (and of course, he's from Texas) lost weight, lowered his blood pressure and cholesterol while eating nothing but McDonald's.

There's a word that both of these guys are leaving out of their daily diet routines: Exercise! Some people need 3,000 calories a day, and other people would gain weight from adding cheese to their turkey sandwich. So neither one of these stories is surprising when you factor in exercise.

Posted 8/01/2004 12:21:00 PM by Douglas

Pretty good piece about the political lull we're faced with between the conventions. [From The Times, so registration required. Bastards]

A modern convention is a Super Bowl whose final score was announced weeks before. The Blue Team elects to kick off! Red will receive! One long halftime show, essentially. The networks strive to make it sound more compelling than watching contestants being lowered into tanks with reptiles, but there was more electricity on C-Span 2, which showed black-and-white clips of John F. Kennedy in 1956, clouds of cigarette smoke rising behind him, throwing his support to Senator Estes Kefauver of Tennessee; of John Chancellor being arrested on the floor; of Senator Abe Ribicoff of Connecticut pounding the podium and denouncing the mayor of Chicago's "Gestapo tactics." That was must-see TV.

I like the reptile tank idea!

One of the things I noticed about the speakers is that all the losers from the primaries. If Democrats wanted to see Dean, Kucinich and company, don't you think they'd have voted for them?

Wednesday there was the speech by Dennis Kucinich - a reminder, perhaps, that the primary system really does work, even though an alarming number of Yale millionaires manage to slip through the net.

But I do love the thought of the Republicans now having to outdo the Democrats. Here's a good start.

Mr. Cheney might try to counter Mr. Edwards's educational boast by saying, "I was the first member of my family to get kicked out of Yale."

And now for no reason at all, this line.

Mr. Edwards galvanized the crowd on Wednesday night with the refrain "Hope is on the way," though he ended up sounding like a tow-truck dispatcher.

Ha!

Posted 8/01/2004 11:57:00 AM by Douglas

Some clarifications of some of the blog's postings from yesterday:

I'm gonna assume that if he was flying from Galveston to Katy when he landed in the southbound lanes of I-45, then he must have landed into the oncoming traffic. Which, at noon on Saturday would have consisted of kids going to the beach and old ladies going to the dog track. The real question, as posed by a long-time reader, is how the heck did he taxi off the freeway if he made a forced landing due to engine failure? From this account it doesn't sound like he taxied anywhere.

"Just as we leveled off at 3,000 feet, the engine cut out," he said. "Once that happens, the airplane just turns into a big glider."

Shawn navigated the powerless plane onto the southbound lanes of I-45 and rolled it to a stop on the feeder road shortly before noon. No one was injured.

So that's how he taxied. He didn't

---

Now for the freak with his brother's arm growing out of his titty. The more I think about it, the more that has to be fake. Other than the obvious reason why I want to believe that it's bullshit, but the lack of details of the procedure, the lack of their last names in the story, and the utter absurdity of it makes me think that the only thing those guys are really clever at is photoshoping their pictures.

Posted 8/01/2004 11:49:00 AM by Douglas

Another glaring omission from the Houston Chronicle. This time, about the name of an aircraft.

A local pilot failed to break the American altitude record for a piston-powered airplane Saturday in Wisconsin but vowed to try it again — next time closer to home.

Despite good weather, Bruce Bohannon was only able to fly his modified homemade airplane to 45,500 feet, falling short of the American record of 47,910 feet set by an Air Force crew in a Boeing B-29 Superfortress bomber over Guam in 1946.

Bohannon, 46, was disappointed but not deterred.

Check here if you want to know the name of his plane:

PUSHY GALORE

It's quite an amazing plane. . . check it out!

Posted 8/01/2004 11:46:00 AM by Douglas

Sounds like I just found my new favourite restaurant.

But at the Village Pig, if you don't have 25 birthdays under your belt, you're not welcome inside.

Jim Andres, owner of the new barbecue eatery and bar at 75 Coville St., set the unusual age restriction to avoid the undesirable behaviors of two subsets of customers: screaming or crying children and irresponsible younger drinkers. “We simply don't want to deal with it.”

The policy is legal. Some patrons appreciate it while others don't think it is fair.

Well who ever said that barbecue is fair? The Village Pig may go broke in six weeks if the soccer mom crowd find out about their policy and intentionally boycott it. But the restaurant market being the fickle bitch that she is, it may have a line out the door of people waiting for a table that they know won't be by a drunk kid or a screaming baby. I'm waiting for the franchise here.