Posted 8/31/2007 05:28:00 PM by Douglas

I love it when there's a story about Bush and "a modest proposal" shows up in the first line. I wonder if somehow eating babies is going to help out with this so-called "mortgage crisis" because I'm sure that they know nothing about satire.

President Bush on Friday announced a set of modest proposals to deal with an alarming rise in mortgage defaults that have contributed to turbulent financial markets over recent weeks.

This is gonna be good. Go on. . .

"It's not the government's job to bail out speculators or those who made the decision to buy a home they knew they could never afford," Bush said in the Rose Garden. "Yet there are many American homeowners who could get through this difficult time with a little flexibility from their lenders or a little help from their government."

Ok, I'm with you so far. Don't know how this is any of the government's business, but I am aware of the world we live in, so keep going.

Bush's proposals unveiled Friday are designed to help combat those defaults. They would make it easier for borrowers now holding adjustable rate mortgages that are resetting to higher monthly payments to refinance those loans using the resources of the Federal Housing Administration. The FHA is a Depression-era agency created to help low and moderate-income Americans afford homes.

Whoa, Jack. Here's were you lost me. Why can't these people just go to another bank and refi if their ARMs have exploded and they can't afford their payment? So the government is going to use FHA money to give a loan to people that are obviously high credit risks and too stupid to understand what a ballooning ARM is going to do to their payment? How is this not a blatant government buy-out?

Under the Bush proposal, which FHA officials said would take effect immediately, an estimated 60,000 homeowners who have fallen behind on payments because their mortgages have reset, would be able to refinance with FHA-insured loans. That marks a significant change because FHA does not now insure refinanced loans from borrowers who are currently delinquent.

So where's my cheap, government secured loan? I bought a house I could afford and understand the concept of compound interest. Where's my handout? At what point are we going to stop continually rewarding people for being so fucking stupid? Probably soon after we stop electing them.

Posted 8/30/2007 05:25:00 PM by Douglas

The top ten most hilarious things to say when you're in a pre-employment physical and Dr. Squeezemyballs has your scrotum in his hands:

1. See, you can hardly see the scar!
2. So, come here often?
3. Viva Vas Deferens!
4. Does that look infected?
5. Why the rubber glove? I thought you loved me?!?
6. Is it cold in here, or is it just your thumb?
7. Turn my head and cough? How 'bout a show tune?!?
8. Did you get your MD at an HEB? Produce aisle, perhaps?
9. Buy me a drink, sailor?
10. What exactly are you looking for?

Turns out, I'm hernia free. Yay me!

Posted 8/29/2007 05:33:00 PM by Douglas

Every wonder what the source material was for R.E.M's (Don't Go Back to) Rockville was? Yeah, me neither, really, but this was kinda interesting:

And I was just beginning a romance with Mike Mills, the bass player in the weeks-old R.E.M. A few weeks before the end of spring quarter he said to me—we were at Tyrone's, the local rock club, standing between the Rolling Stones pinball machine and the Space Invaders game, playing neither—"I finally meet a girl I like and she's got to go back to Rockville."

Weird/boring story. You know there's an equally compelling story behind every rock song.

Posted 8/29/2007 05:22:00 PM by Douglas

Coming soon to a country that doesn't want it, and from an occupying force that doesn't need it: Iraq II, Electric Boogaloo:

The United States has the capacity for and may be prepared to launch without warning a massive assault on Iranian uranium enrichment facilities, as well as government buildings and infrastructure, using long-range bombers and missiles, according to a new analysis.

Doesn't the DoD have the same rule as a Chinese buffet? Just like you can't get a plate of Moo Shoo pork 'till you're done with your Kung Pao, you can't destabilize another country 'till you're done with the first one.

Posted 8/29/2007 05:07:00 PM by Douglas

This is bizarre:

Suddenly the shoreline north of Sydney were transformed into the Cappuccino Coast.

Foam swallowed an entire beach and half the nearby buildings, including the local lifeguards' centre, in a freak display of nature at Yamba in New South Wales.

It stretched for 30 miles out into the Pacific in a phenomenon not seen at the beach for more than three decades.

Scientists explain that the foam is created by impurities in the ocean, such as salts, chemicals, dead plants, decomposed fish and excretions from seaweed.

Weird:

I don't think I'd want to get in that mess.

Posted 8/29/2007 05:00:00 PM by Douglas

Cha-thunk, cha-thunk. Hear that? That's the Bureau of Engraving working three shifts a day further devaluing our fiat dollar:

The White House is preparing to ask for as much as another $50 billion to pay for the war in Iraq, a signal that the Bush administration expects to maintain the current troop surge through the spring.

The Washington Post reports Wednesday that the money would be in addition to a $147 billion request that already is pending before Congress to pay for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. And the two requests together are also in addition to the $460 billion 2008 fiscal year request for defense spending.

Half a Trillion here, half a trillion there, pretty soon you're going to start talking about some real money!

And most people don't think that this stupid war doesn't affect them?!? Seriously, did you buy something today? Hope so, because your money is going to be worth less tomorrow.

Posted 8/28/2007 05:13:00 PM by Douglas

So the challenge to Houston's smoking ban in bars got shot down. Big surprise, yet something about the logic I find a wee bit disturbing.

"The city of Houston's smoking ordinance, in my view, does not conflict with the state law that regulates the sale of alcohol," Miller said. "The mere fact that Texas has enacted laws that regulate the sale of alcohol does not preclude the city from passing ordinances regarding establishments that serve alcohol. Otherwise, the city could not impose regulations, such as a health code or noise ordinances."

Catch that? The city can do whatever it wants, especially when it concerns public health. I'm no fan of the "slippery slope" argument, because for the most part, it's silly, but since that's precisely the logic the city is using, why don't they mandate two vegetable servings with every meal for everyone in Houston? How many lives would a 35 mph speed limit save a year in Houston alone?

"The law is very clear that, when you're talking ordinances enacted to protect the public health, the plaintiffs bear a very high burden to prevent those regulations from going into effect," she said.

Sleep tight, Houston, your health is going to be taken care of!

Look, I don't care about smokers and what their perceived "rights" are. This used to be America, and if I wanted to participate in behavior that's not good for me, that's my business. And if I want to get together with a bunch of other people that want to do the same thing, why the hell not?

Non-smokers, no one is going to deny your right to breathe air, but you also don't get the right to go anywhere you want to go without consequences. Are drinking and smoking inexorably linked? Apparently not anymore, but it should be the choice of the bar patrons, not the city of Houston.

And before I hear about how deadly second hand smoke is, why won't someone answer me this question: If nicotine is so dangerously addictive and second hand smoke is just as deadly as smoking, then why aren't these whining people becoming addicted to second hand smoke? They're not, because someone is lying to you.

Posted 8/28/2007 04:49:00 PM by Douglas

Sometime new parents can go a bit too far off the deep end, but this is the craziest shit I've ever seen:

His mother took the diaper-less tot to a tree in the yard, held him in a squatting position and made a gentle hissing sound — prompting the infant to relieve himself on cue before he rushed back to play.

Dominic is a product of a growing "diaper-free" movement founded on the belief that babies are born with an instinctive ability to signal when they have to answer nature's call. Parents who practice the so-called "elimination communication" learn to read their children's body language to help them recognize the need, and they mimic the sounds that a child associates with the bathroom.

Is this what thousands of years of evolution have brought us? Crapping in the yard? I bet none of these moms has a pooper scooper, either. But even bigger than that, is this the lesson you want your child to learn? Anytime you need to go to the bathroom, you just whoop it out and let 'er rip?

And be sure and check out the pictures, too. Some real classics.

Posted 8/28/2007 04:40:00 PM by Douglas

How is NASA dealing with its credibility and lack of relevance in today's society? With a publicity stunt that would make George Lucas sigh:

In honor of the 30th anniversary of Star Wars, NASA will launch Luke Skywalker's original Jedi lightsaber into space along with the crew of the space shuttle Discovery. The launch is slated for October.

Chewbacca will officially hand the lightsaber over to NASA's Space Center Houston during a ceremony at the Oakland International Airport. The ceremony will include characters from a galaxy far, far away including Boba Fett, Jango Fett and X-Wing pilots, Jedi, and Stormtroopers.

This will be followed by a spectacular departure aboard a Southwest Airlines flight as Chewbacca and his galactic friends help push back the airplane on the tarmac.

Once the flight lands in Houston, Stormtroopers will help escort the lightsaber off the plane as R2-D2 and other famous Star Wars characters kick-off the second half of the celebration at Gate 47 in William P. Hobby Airport.

The fanfare will conclude outside baggage claim where the lightsaber will be transported by a caravan of Hummers with an official City of Webster police escort to NASA's Space Center Houston where it will be secured inside the lunar vault.

Dear lord, please let this be a joke. A stupid, irrelevant joke.

Posted 8/26/2007 01:58:00 PM by Douglas

Something about this picture makes me channel my inner Buck Turgidson, but it's not the first time.

If the pilot's good, I mean if he's reeeally sharp, he can barrel that thing in so low, oh it's a sight to see. You wouldn't expect it with a big ol' plane like a '52, but varrrooom! The jet exhaust... frying chickens in the barnyard!

Posted 8/23/2007 05:45:00 PM by Douglas

Watching any movie that's been "edited for television" is like having sex through a chain-link fence. Sure it might work well enough to satisfy the advertisers, but really, what's the point?

Platoon came on AMC last night, and I was in and out of the room, but the things they cut out were incredible: the great dialog. So here's an astounding movie about the ravages of the Viet Nam war that shows graphic combat scenes, drug use, murder and rape. Yet somehow my delicate sensibilities can't endure the ravages of the words "pussy," "fuck," and "shit?" How is that?

Kind of reminds me of that line from another Viet Nam film, this time from the highly overrated Coppola version of a fantastic Joseph Conrad novel:

Kurtz: We train young men to drop fire on people. But their commanders won't allow them to write "fuck" on their airplanes because it's obscene!

Exactly. So don't cut out the F-word if you're still going to show the rape scene.

Posted 8/23/2007 05:37:00 PM by Douglas

Here's a great online test. For most of you.

I don't know what algorithm they're using, but it seems right.

Labels: dumb internet quiz

Posted 8/22/2007 02:41:00 PM by Douglas

I'm in ur resrch, wasting ur funding:

A new study has measured just low long cats can remember certain kinds of information—10 minutes.

To test cats' coordination, the researchers looked at how well they could remember having just stepped over a hurdle. The researchers stopped cats after their front legs had cleared an obstacle, but before their hind legs went over.

They then distracted the animals with food and lowered the obstacle to see how the tabbies would respond. The cats remembered having stepped over the hurdle for at least 10 minutes, bringing their hind legs up to clear the object, even though it wasn't there.

Well there's your problem. They used tabbies, the Mexicans of the cat world.

Seriously, there's a "researcher" that instigated this study?? Someone set their alarm, got up, drove in to work to test feline memory? I wonder when the groundbreaking study is going to be released as to why a dog licks his balls?

And I thought I've wasted my life.

Posted 8/22/2007 11:19:00 AM by Douglas

Baby, I knew ever since I almost got my ass ate by that bear that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.

A man mauled by a grizzly bear last month married his longtime girlfriend, a health aide who help keep him alive when he was rushed to her clinic in Shaktoolik. Shawn Evan, 32, married Lydia Jackson, 31, on Friday at the Alaska Native Medical Center in Anchorage.

Evan said thoughts of Jackson and their two young sons kept him alive during an agonizing skiff ride back to the village after the attack July 31. He was freezing because he'd lost so much blood. Muscle, skin and a crude splint were holding his shattered legs together below the knees.

Sap-E. Why is it such a big deal to get married to someone you've known for a decade, yet people, specifically these people don't think twice about squeezing out a couple of bastards?

Posted 8/22/2007 11:15:00 AM by Douglas

Here's a headline that's gotta be good new for everyone: Drunk driving deaths have declined in 28 states. Wait, what?

Drunken driving fatalities increased in 22 states in 2006 and fell in 28 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico, federal transportation officials said Monday.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration released data showing there were 13,470 deaths in 2006 involving drivers and motorcycle operators with blood alcohol levels of .08 or higher, which is the legal limit for adults throughout the country. The number was down slightly from 2005, when 13,582 people died in crashes involving legally drunk drivers.

Fucking media. And in other news across our great nation, approximately 300 million Americans are not trapped in a mine in Utah, getting pummeled by Hurricane Dean, or running for the president.

Film at 10 after sports and the weather.

Posted 8/22/2007 11:12:00 AM by Douglas

Yet another example that public support for the Shuttle program, and NASA in general, is waning. This time, from The New York Times:

What started two weeks ago as a routine space shuttle flight to service the international space station and let a teacher-astronaut inspire students from her perch in space turned into a bit of a nail-biter when the shuttle Endeavor suffered minor damage during liftoff. In the end, NASA handled the problem deftly, and the shuttle landed safely at the Kennedy Space Center yesterday. But it was a troubling reminder that the aging shuttles have some inherent defects that will always pose a risk as they limp toward retirement in 2010.

[...]

NASA will now look for quick fixes to reduce debris-shedding in the next few flights while it pursues a longer-term solution. But it has become increasingly clear that the shuttle’s design, which puts a huge external fuel tank insulated with foam above a fragile spacecraft, is fundamentally flawed. This problem won’t be solved until the shuttles are replaced with a new vehicle.

Ok, well, duh. Will the last person in the Shuttle program please remember to turn the lights out when you leave? Thanks!

Posted 8/22/2007 11:04:00 AM by Douglas

HI-larious! Great video that pretty much sums up internet comments:



Also, a great way to spice up a boring meeting!

Posted 8/19/2007 06:56:00 AM by Douglas

In case you're wondering why we're cutting mission short, Endeavour, take a look out the window.

Playing it safe, NASA shortened the last spacewalk for astronauts aboard the shuttle Endeavour and ordered the spacecraft to return to Earth on Tuesday — a day early — fearing the storm might threaten the Houston home of Mission Control.

But they did take a good picture or two:

Overheard during yesterday's EVA:

"Holy smokes! That's incredible

"It's only incredible when it's not headed towards you!"

200 miles up gives you such a clear perspective on things.

Labels: Dean, hurricanes 2007, STS-118

Posted 8/19/2007 06:56:00 AM by Douglas

My humps: my humps, my humps are dropping like flies:

The Agriculture Ministry has said 232 camels died in the space of four days in the Dawasir Valley, 250 miles south of Riyadh.

King Abdullah has promised compensation for owners, who say the real number of deaths is far higher.

Weird. I know they have more money than they could possibly spend, but they compensate owners for stuff like this? Also, Saudi Arabia has an Agriculture Ministry? That's gotta be a tough job.

Posted 8/17/2007 08:23:00 PM by Douglas

The word of the hour: Dean. Is it going to come straight to Houston? Of course it is if you listen to the guys on the TV that make a living scaring the hell out of old people, but at least ONE model predicts a path where I find out what my deductible is:

So who knows. Tuesday is the time to panic. I'm not going to cut and run every time there's a cloud in the gulf, but I'm not going to hang around for 130 mile per hour wind, either. I'm also not going to sit in three mile per hour traffic ever again, either.

And just think, it was 102ºF just two days ago. Just another day in paradise. . . .

Labels: Dean, hurricanes 2007

Posted 8/17/2007 08:05:00 PM by Douglas

Something about this picture of a poor, wet, flooded out dog in San Antonio just speaks to me.

Been there, dude. Been left standing in the rain by the curb wondering, "hey, can I eat that?"

Labels: hurricanes 2007

Posted 8/17/2007 08:00:00 PM by Douglas

As I've said before, that Space Shuttle don't fly itself:

The space shuttle Endeavour could come home a day early from the International Space Station if Hurricane Dean threatens the ground operations center in Houston, NASA officials said on Friday.

"It's not ideal," shuttle commander Scott Kelly told an in-flight press conference. "But we could potentially undock the day after the (Saturday) spacewalk and come home a day early."

The powerful hurricane was barreling northwest through the Caribbean Sea and was expected to clip Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula early next week and then move into the western Gulf of Mexico, potentially menacing the Texas coast.

This, after the Erin tried to flush South East Texas into the gulf like the turd that it is.

Gonna be a long weekend in mission control.

Labels: Dean, hurricanes 2007, STS-118

Posted 8/17/2007 06:36:00 PM by Douglas

I don't like to make fun of cops for being dumb, but sometimes I just can't pass it up. Someone needs to inform them of the ideal gas law.

Now, Garner police have a new secret weapon against the high prices at the pump – nitrogen. They're pumping it into their tires.

“It’s been used on the space shuttle, commercial aircraft for decades,” said car dealer David Hurd. “Nitrogen is not affected by normal cold and hot conditions, so you don’t have any fluctuation in the air pressure.”

As a result, nitrogen is reported to extend the life of a tire and provide better fuel economy.

So Nitrogen has one less proton, free air is 70% N₂ anyway. This sounds like an excellent business opportunity to sell Nitrogen to idiots.

Posted 8/15/2007 05:52:00 PM by Douglas

Why are we stuck with the penny? Who knew that the big Zinc industry was responsible for not rounding up to the next nickel.

The U.S. penny is not what it appears to be, and some in Congress would like to see it change further, if not disappear entirely.

Finally! Who is dragging their feet on this one?

Because of a surge in the price of copper, the U.S. Mint decided 25 years ago to manufacture the coins almost entirely with zinc, save for the coating on which Abraham Lincoln's profile is engraved.

Now, the fate of the penny is up in the air once again. With the price of zinc soaring amid a worldwide commodities boom, it costs the government almost 2 cents to make each 1-cent coin — a pretty penny considering roughly 8 billion new ones are placed into circulation annually.

While it is unlikely the penny will be pulled from circulation, there are some lawmakers who would like to ditch zinc as a raw material and instead use steel or some other less expensive metal.

Well why not. Our most worthless coin should represent our most worthless metal, shouldn't it? Problem is, the way the FED is devaluing our currency, no metal is going to be worthless enough to represent just 1¢, so what other choice do we have?

The nation's sole supplier of zinc "penny blanks," Jarden Zinc Products, is lobbying the federal government to protect its interests.

The subsidiary of Rye, N.Y.-based Jarden Corp., paid Baker & Daniels LLP $180,000 in 2006 to fight legislation that would have allowed retailers to round off cash transactions to the nearest nickel, effectively creating a penniless society. Fortunately for Jarden, the House legislation did not gain traction, and its author, Rep. Jim Kolbe, R-Ariz., has since retired.

So now that the penny isn't represented, I don't have to pay $2.99 for shit anymore? I can pay $2.95 or $3.00? Good lord, this costs $100 Million a year. Enough already.

Labels: seigniorage

Posted 8/15/2007 12:45:00 PM by Douglas

This is just what we need.

Tropical Storm Erin formed Wednesday in the Gulf of Mexico and headed toward Texas, threatening to bring downpours to a state that already has had one of its rainiest summers on record.

Homeowners headed to hardware stores in the Rio Grande Valley for supplies to board up their houses, said Ruben Dimas, assistant store manager at a Home Depot in Harlingen.

"They know the drill, they're familiar with it," Dimas said.

The fifth depression of the Atlantic hurricane season formed late Tuesday and was upgraded to a tropical storm Wednesday when its maximum sustained speed was measured at 40 mph, the National Hurricane Center said. The threshold for tropical storm status is 39 mph.

Batteries? Check. Water? Check. Gallon of Bourbon? Check. Yep, I'm ready. 'Cuz if you're going to be on CNN up to your neck in water, you might as well be shit faced.

And lets not forget about Dean. Not too early to rule him out, either.

Labels: hurricanes 2007

Posted 8/13/2007 05:23:00 PM by Douglas

Justice: Texas Style

In less than three weeks Kenneth Foster, an African American man sentenced to death in 1997 for the murder of Michael LaHood, is scheduled to be executed in Texas.

LaHood's actual killer, Mauriceo Brown, was executed in 2006. Foster, who was in a car about 100 yards from the crime when it was committed, was convicted under the controversial Texas state "law of parties", under which the distinction between principal actor and accomplice in a crime is abolished. The law can impose the death penalty on anybody involved in a crime where a murder occurred. In Foster's case he was driving a car with three passengers, one of whom, Brown, left the car, got into an altercation and shot LaHood dead. Texas is the only state that applies this statute in capital cases, making it the only place in the United States where a person can be factually innocent of murder and still face the death penalty.

So, drive to the scene, and still get a needle? Does that sound right. . . to anyone?!?

Posted 8/13/2007 05:11:00 PM by Douglas

Zoos are prisons where the inmates get peanuts instead of menthols. Rest in Peace, Tanzy.

A stressed-out elephant that had been treated with Xanax died Monday morning at age 49, zoo officials said.

Tanzy was believed to have been the second oldest African elephant in North America. An elephant's average lifespan is 33 years, according to Abilene Zoo officials.

In 2005 after zookeepers noticed that Tanzy was grumpy and subdued, they started mixing the anti-anxiety drug Xanax into her feed twice a day, along with some ibuprofen to ease her arthritis-related discomfort.

Would this poor creature have lived so many years on the Serengeti? Of course not, but she wouldn't have had to live in fucking Abilene, either, so spare me the quality of life argument on this one. I've been to Abilene. So have others, apparently. No one wants to go to Abilene. Tanzy didn't want to go to Abilene, either.

Posted 8/12/2007 07:07:00 PM by Douglas

Great video of our Vice President (then ex-DefSec) about the fragmentation of Iraq and why they didn't take down Saddam in 1991.
The money quote:

"How many additional dead Americans is Saddam worth, and our judgment was not very many and I think we got it right."

So what changed? 9/11 didn't change a friggin' thing about the reality that all these ass-clowns already admitted to knowing about. On camera.

Posted 8/12/2007 06:44:00 PM by Douglas

Dario Franchitti is in the wrong business. After these two weeks, it looks like he should look into becoming a pilot. First there was this a week ago in Michigan:
And then again this yesterday in Kentucky:

And that one was even after the race was over and he'd finished 8th. And even after winning the Indy 500 and cheating death for two weeks with two aerial crashes, he still gets to go home and bang Ashley Judd.

Labels: IRL 2007

Posted 8/12/2007 06:16:00 PM by Douglas

The winner of the Iowa Straw Poll:

1. Mitt Romney - 4516 votes - 31%
2. Mike Huckabee - 2587 votes - 18.1%
3. Sam Brownback - 2192 votes – 15.3%
4. Tom Tancredo - 1961 votes – 13.7%
5. Ron Paul - 1305 votes – 9.1%
6. Tommy Thompson - 1,009 votes - 7.3%
7. Fred Thomson with 231 votes
8. Rudy Giuliani with 183 votes
9. Duncan Hunter with 174 votes
10. John McCain with 101 votes
11. John Cox with 41 votes

Now here's the results of the poll according to Fox News:

So why would Fox News leave off the 4th, 5th, and 9th, place finishes just so show McCain and Giuliani? I mean, why would they do that if they weren't liars trying to manipulate the truth?

Posted 8/11/2007 07:38:00 PM by Douglas

Hell yeah I suck toes!!

A long-awaited verdict is in at the Harris County District Attorney's Office, a decision that tosses years of precedent and could alter the fabric of the department.

Out with the hose and in with the toes — but only well-pedicured ones.

With the dog days of summer in full swing and a written opinion from the Emily Post Institute in hand, District Attorney Chuck Rosenthal is relaxing dress code standards. For the first time, women who work there will be able to show ankles and toes.

After summers upon summers of complaint about the heat, the department's dress code committee has relented. Women at the office and in court no longer have to wear hose under their pants, said Assistant District Attorney Kathy Braddock, a committee member.

Sorry for the Chappelle's Show quote, but do they not have anything better to do at the DA's office? Jeez.

Posted 8/10/2007 05:00:00 PM by Douglas

I think I can agree with most people that "diving mules" are probably cruel, but the real question is who the hell wants to see it?

"They do it because they want to, they're not forced in any way," Rivers said of the act that's been going on at his Lightning Ranch in Pipe Creek for the past five weeks. "I've never had one get hurt. They like it, especially on a hot day."

Rivers said the mules, which range in age from 16 to 22, are trained to jump. They could turn right around and walk down the ramp that led them to the platform, but they never do, he said.

"You'd think if one of them minded it, they would've quit by now," he said. "You can't hurt an animal. They're not that stupid."

I've been bored off my ass in a small town many times, and I still don't think I'd pay five bucks to see an old mule fall into a tank of water. I've never been that bored.

Posted 8/10/2007 04:49:00 PM by Douglas

Great article about one of the sanctities of Southern culture: Sweet Tea.

Offering up a glass of sweet tea on a hot day in the South is as welcoming a gesture as passing the doobie at a Phish show. It's so ingrained in the Southern DNA—Marion Cabell Tyree included the recipe in a cookbook called Housekeeping in Old Virginia as early as 1879—that people now post videos online of their infants sampling the stuff. It's a frequent menu item for the condemned, as well as a centerpiece at church suppers. As an April Fools' Day prank in 2003, Georgia State Rep. John Noel introduced a bill that would have made it a misdemeanor for a restaurant owner not to include sweet tea on the menu. Most Southerners can easily tell the difference between fresh sweet tea and the stuff from concentrate—and unless their sugar jones is too strong that day, chances are they'll send the latter back.

That's the real indication that Texas is really on the fringe of Southern Culture. Either that, or there are just so many damn carpetbaggers down here that we have to deal with unsweetened tea and a sugar packet. I mean really, what's the point?

And then there's this crap:

Dixie has had some embarrassments in its time: There's that whole Civil War thing,

What?!? That's a bold statement coming from a Jewish Yankee. Check your history, bub, y'all invaded us, 'member?

Posted 8/09/2007 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

What's the fine for duck littering?

City park officials like ducks, too. It's just that they prefer wild ones that migrate in and out. Not the domestic ones that mysteriously show up at Hermann Park — particularly after Easter.

The park, it seems, is a victim of duck-dumping. And park officials want it to stop.

Last month, Assistant Parks Director Rick Dewees took a call from someone who wanted to drop off a flock in Hermann Park. He suggested other alternatives that didn't involve a city park.

How 'bout one that involves 11 minutes a pound in one of these? Problem solved!

Posted 8/09/2007 05:25:00 PM by Douglas

I don't know what I'm going to do now that I'm a minority. Apply for a scholarship?

In a powerful sign of the region's growing diversity, more Hispanics than Anglos now live in Harris County as it led the nation in growth of minority residents, according to Census Bureau estimates to be released today.

This historic demographic shift reflects persistent immigration, high birth rates among Latinos and ongoing migration to outlying suburban counties, experts say. And a dramatic increase in Harris County's black population is partly attributed to an influx of residents displaced by Hurricane Katrina.

It's a matter of time.

Posted 8/09/2007 01:01:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like a bunch of kill-joys, also known as "the cops," want to put the kybosh on the red-neck games. What part of a drunken riot would cause a problem?

Describing the four-day event that ended Sunday as a bloated bacchanal of disorder, drunkenness and debauchery, Henderson County officials say they might charge the promoter under a state crowd control law.

"There was a lot of nudity, rowdiness, intoxication, people running wild on their four-wheelers and underage drinking," said Lt. Pat McWilliams of the county Sheriff's Department. "There was also fights and assaults, and some serious injuries."

Over the weekend, nearly 100 people were either arrested or cited for offenses that included speeding, underage possession of alcohol, driving while intoxicated and possession of marijuana.

That aside, McWilliams said the county's biggest gripe with promoter Oscar Still is that he promised that no more than 2,500 would attend.

Authorities said upwards of 8,000 people — some who traveled hundreds of miles — jammed the 300-acre Pool Ranch to run all-terrain vehicles on muddy trails and watch contests featuring everything from Spam-eating to wet T-shirts.

No!?! I'm shocked, shocked to learn this! Never underestimate stupid people in large groups. All this and more in next month's issue of Duh! magazine.

Labels: Duh

Posted 8/08/2007 07:00:00 PM by Douglas

Endeavour, go with throttle up!

Labels: STS-118

Posted 8/08/2007 05:52:00 PM by Douglas

Feel safe driving over a bridge? Does anyone care?

Posted 8/08/2007 05:44:00 PM by Douglas

What happens when a second grade pissing match turns into an international incident? When you're Russia and Georgia.

A missile that landed in Georgia was ditched, not fired, by a Russian jet as it fled Georgian airspace, a Georgian official said on Wednesday as the United States and Europe urged the two powers to stay calm.

The missile weighing about a ton landed -- but did not explode -- in a farmer's field about 65 km (40 miles) west of Tbilisi on Monday, sparking a slanging match between Georgia and Russia and re-igniting old tensions.

Georgia initially said the missile had been fired by Russian jets. But a Georgian official told Reuters on Wednesday that the Russian pilot dumped the missile after coming under fire from separatist forces in South Ossetia, a Moscow-backed breakaway region of Georgia, in an apparent mix up.

Mix up? Dumping ordinance in a "mix up?" That doesn't really answer anything, does it?

As Russia continued to deny any involvement in the incident, the United States and the European Union both appealed for the two sides to cool rhetoric and show restraint.

Is this a bar fight? Two blow-hards bow up at each other, and their friends are standing behind them trying to calm them down?

Russia has denied its military had anything to do with the missile and instead suggested Georgia may have dropped the bomb itself to provoke a spat with Russia.

So they're "making up" shit to start a war? Read the whole thing, it just gets better.

Posted 8/08/2007 05:20:00 PM by Douglas

As a result of the ever exploding housing bubble, this time in California, the onslaught of empty homes have caused a serious health problem: West Nile.

California officials are asking the financial services industry to make sure the swimming pools at homes in foreclosure have been drained to prevent the spread of West Nile virus.

Hundreds of vacant homes with standing water have been reported to authorities in Sacramento and Yolo counties as potential mosquito breeding grounds.

The volume of abandoned homes has grown with the drop in real estate prices and the credit pinch on Wall Street, just as West Nile virus is spreading among mosquitoes. Five people have died from the virus this summer, and the state has had 80 cases.

HI-Larious. The bubble burst on the housing market, and some folks have died from West Nile. Sub-prime lending ain't shit if you're dead.

Posted 8/06/2007 04:54:00 PM by Douglas

What the hell is going on with our food? I don't think anyone was surprised by bad chili (or that chili and dog food are made in the same factory) but green beans?

Consumers should not eat certain brands of French-cut green beans because of concerns they could be tainted with the toxin that causes botulism, U.S. health officials warned on Friday.

The green beans were manufactured by Lakeside Foods Inc. of Manitowoc, Wisconsin, and packaged in 14.5-ounce cans, the Food and Drug Administration said.

The FDA said the affected Lakeside French-cut green beans are sold nationwide under the brands Albertson's, Happy Harvest, Best Choice, Food Club, Bogopa, Valu Time, Hill Country Fare, HEB, Laura Lynn, Kroger, No Name, North Pride, Shop N Save, Shoppers Valu, Schnucks, Cub Foods, Dierbergs, Flavorite, IGA, Best Choice and Thrifty Maid.

Not Hill Country Fare?!? HEB wouldn't try to kill me, would they?

Posted 8/06/2007 04:46:00 PM by Douglas

Red neck games.

For the thousands of male off-road enthusiasts who journeyed to the Pool Ranch, a 3,000-acre spread outside the Northeast Texas town of Athens, it was a chance to ogle both good-looking women and snazzy all-terrain vehicles with names like "Grizzly," "Brute Force," and "Bombardier."

But the basic idea — turning what once was an insult to Southerners into a point of pride and humor — remains the same.

Besides the wet T-shirts and the "Dixie Dukes Showoff," which features girls prancing around on stage in skimpy shorts, Still offers a butt-crack contest.

Wow. Sounds like fun. Then there's this:

Earlier, after her first performance in the "Dixie Dukes" contest in front of about 600 howling men, Cassidy Free, 19, a college student from Nacogdoches, seemed a bit shaken.

"It's really scary. Everyone is looking at you. I'm still shaking," she confided. Later on, she found her stride and took home some cash in the wet T-shirt contest.

Others were less affected by the leering attention.

"I love it. It's an adrenaline rush to get up there and take charge," said Stacie Beville, 26, of Blue Ridge, after grinding it out in the "Dukes" contest.

It's just good to see mom having a good time.

Posted 8/06/2007 04:34:00 PM by Douglas

What is it about the several feet of rain we've received since July that would cause a mosquito problem?

After an unusually wet and humid July, many Houstonians are engaged in battles with bugs. Weapons range from the top-dollar misters found in ritzy neighborhoods, to garlic oil and apple cider vinegar sprays used at one Heights nursery school, to mosquito-larvae-eating fish in a backyard pond in Montrose.

[. . . ]

You can spend thousands of dollars on mosquito control, but you're likely to do more harm than good with misters, zappers and other contraptions. Concoctions involving grocery store items aren't effective, either.

What does work are the tried and true mosquito-fighting techniques that have been repeated so often people tend to disregard them.

I think I've already got malaria.

Posted 8/06/2007 04:11:00 PM by Douglas

Ron Paul in yet another debate parallel press conference. Kinda come off a little "crazy old man" but I don't know how you could argue with this. I wonder what Mitt was trying to say? Probably something along the lines of "9/11 changed everything." Morons.

Labels: Ron Paul

Posted 8/06/2007 04:02:00 PM by Douglas

Interesting graphic of the bridge collapse. I don't want to rush to judgment on a thing like this, but I'm going to blame gravity. [Thanks, long-time reader!]

Posted 8/05/2007 02:45:00 PM by Douglas

MADD is out of friggin' control. Also, this tells me that Nissan doesn't need any more of my business if they're going to use their money to develop this horseshit.

Alcohol Odor Sensors
1. A hi-sensitivity alcohol odor sensor is built into the transmission shift knob, which is able to detect the presence of alcohol in the perspiration of the driver's palm as he or she attempts to start driving. When the alcohol-level detected is above the pre-determined threshold, the system automatically locks the transmission, immobilizing the car. A “drunk driving” voice alert is also issued via the car navigation system.

I sure hope you didn't put any hand-sanitizer on your dirty, drunken palm, as most contain up to 60% ethanol. What would your car think about 120 proof hand creme?

2. Additional alcohol odor sensors are also incorporated into the driver’s and passenger seats to detect the presence of alcohol in the air inside the vehicle cabin. When alcohol is detected, the system issues both a voice alert and a message alert on the navigation system monitor.

This is totally absurd, but the passenger seat? I know there is no end to the draconian laws that MADD would love to see passed, but what motivation would anyone have to keep the car from operating with an intoxicated passenger? So if you're a designated driver with a bottle of Purell, forget it, flap-jack, you're not going anywhere because your car doesn't approve of your lifestyle.

The real question is who in their right mind would buy a car with this kind of crap on it if it weren't mandated by law? And who would be behind such laws?

Posted 8/03/2007 06:36:00 PM by Douglas

It's been three years now since Gatisima went on to the big tuna can in the sky, but we still miss her. She was a great kitty, and she never missed an opportunity to show her disgust with us, and I really miss that.

Labels: gatisima

Posted 8/02/2007 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

A bridge collapsed. People died. In America. This kind of thing isn't supposed to happen, and looking at the horrible pictures, the only thing that comes to my mind, is how in the hell could this kind of thing happen here? Seriously, all structures have such nutty safety factors, for something like this to happen, something had to have gone really wrong a long time ago. But think about this the next time you drive over a bridge, and also think about how much we, as a society, pay our lawyers, accountants, and stock brokers and how much we pay our engineers.

More than 70,000 bridges across the country are rated structurally deficient like the span that collapsed in Minneapolis, and engineers estimate repairing them all would take at least a generation and cost more than $188 billion.

That works out to at least $9.4 billion a year over 20 years, according to the American Society of Civil Engineers.

The bridges carry an average of more than 300 million vehicles a day.

Sleep tight, America!

Not to denigrate accountants or lawyers, but honestly, do you need an attorney every day? Do you drive on a bridge every day? If your accountant fucks up are you going to DIE?

Posted 8/02/2007 05:04:00 PM by Douglas

Squirrels. Little mischievous chocolate whores.

A Finnish squirrel with a sweet tooth heads to a Finnish grocery shop at least twice a day to steal "Kinder Surprise" chocolate-shelled eggs.

"I named it the Kinder-squirrel, after the treats. It always goes after them, other sweets do not seem to interest it as much," the manager of the store in Jyvaskyla, central Finland, told Reuters.

The confectionary, which is intended for children, has a toy inside.

"It removes the foil carefully, eats the chocolate and leaves the store with the toy," Irene Lindroos said.

Unfortunately, the bushy-tailed thief does not clean up after itself, but leaves the wrappers behind, she added.

I wonder if they can lock up the little theivin' bastard for littering?