Posted 5/31/2004 11:11:00 AM by Douglas

Happy Memorial Day! Lileks gives us something to think about at our block party BBQ this afternoon.

Posted 5/31/2004 11:08:00 AM by Douglas

The first reaction I had when I heard about Super Size Me was more apathy than disgust. Why would anyone pay $7 to watch someone get fat from eating at McDonald's? You can do that for free at the mall. It's good to see that Tech Central Station is chronicling this guy for the attention whore that he really is.

The "Food Police" are back, this time in a comedy entitled Super Size Me, produced by filmmaker Morgan Spurlock. Spurlock is a former TV show producer best known for his work creating the gross-out TV show "I Bet You Will" in which, among many other crazy stunts, he says he "bet a girl to let us shave her head into a Mohawk… combined it with three sticks of butter and she ate her own hair in this giant butter hairball."

Lovely.

Posted 5/31/2004 10:36:00 AM by Douglas

Keep in mind that the phrase separation of church and state does not appear in the United State Constitution. That not being said, how does the State determine who is and who is not worthy of tax exempt status? Good question.

AUSTIN -- Tax collectors and religions have had an uneasy relationship going back to biblical times, and Texas' top tax collector found out why during the past two months.

From covens of witches to the faiths of presidents, Comptroller Carole Keeton Strayhorn is empowered to decide which organizations are exempt from paying sales, franchise and property taxes in Texas. The essential question she has to decide is: What is a religion?

To get to that answer, Strayhorn asks a simple question that determines divinity in some cases: Do you have a god or gods?

That's gotta be a tough call, and one that's bound to get some people mad. Are there some instances where a real "church" doesn't get tax-exempt status? In the case of the Unitarians, yes. On the other hand, would anyone and their dog claim to be a "church" to get out of paying taxes? I know I would, and therein lies the problem.

"Otherwise, any wannabe cult who dresses up and parades down Sixth Street on Halloween will be applying for an exemption," Strayhorn said.

Don't give 'em any ideas.

Posted 5/28/2004 08:15:00 PM by Douglas

The term choking the chicken has taken on a whole new meaning:

LUSAKA (Reuters) - A 50-year-old Zambian man has hanged himself after his wife found him having sex with a hen, police said Friday.

The woman caught him in the act when she rushed into their house to investigate a noise.

"He attempted to kill her but she managed to escape," a police spokesman said.

The man from the town of Chongwe, about 50 km (30 miles) east of Lusaka, killed himself after being admonished by other villagers.

The hen was slaughtered after the incident.

I wonder if the widow ate the hen afterwards? Probably not. She obviously doesn't like the taste of fowl (foul?) poultry.

Posted 5/28/2004 08:09:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like the Selective Service has caught wind of HR-163 and are doing what they can to diffuse it.

Notwithstanding recent stories in the news media and on the Internet, Selective Service is not getting ready to conduct a draft for the U.S. Armed Forces -- either with a special skills or regular draft. Rather, the Agency remains prepared to manage a draft if and when the President and the Congress so direct. This responsibility has been ongoing since 1980 and is nothing new. Further, both the President and the Secretary of Defense have stated on more than one occasion that there is no need for a draft for the War on Terrorism or any likely contingency, such as Iraq. Additionally, the Congress has not acted on any proposed legislation to reinstate a draft. Therefore, Selective Service continues to refine its plans to be prepared as is required by law, and to register young men who are ages 18 through 25.

Good luck, kids.

Posted 5/28/2004 08:05:00 PM by Douglas

Now it seems as if the real draft is going to make the fake draft a whole lot less amusing.

The pentagon has quietly begun a public campaign to fill all 10,350 draft board positions and 11,070 appeals board slots nationwide. Though this is an unpopular election year topic, military experts and influential members of congress are suggesting that if Rumsfeld's prediction of a "long, hard slog" in Iraq and Afghanistan [and a permanent state of war on "terrorism"] proves accurate, the U.S. may have no choice but to draft.

College and Canada will not be options. In December 2001, Canada and the U.S. signed a "smart border declaration," which could be used to keep would-be draft dodgers in. Signed by Canada's minister of foreign affairs, John Manley, and U.S. Homeland Security director, Tom Ridge, the declaration involves a 30-point plan which implements, among other things, a "pre-clearance agreement" of people entering and departing each country. Reforms aimed at making the draft more equitable along gender and class lines also eliminates higher education as a shelter. Underclassmen would only be able to postpone service until the end of their current semester. Seniors would have until the end of the academic year.

I can't possibly imagine why the current administration wouldn't want this to be part of their reelection campaign. It's good to see that there's no unfair discrimination against women this time.

And here's the txt of the House Bill.

Posted 5/28/2004 07:43:00 PM by Douglas

Jon Stewart's Commencement Address from the College of William and Mary. Kinda corny, but it has its moments:

But the unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. The paths are infinite and the results uncertain.

I'm sure Thomas Jefferson would be proud.

Posted 5/28/2004 06:37:00 AM by Douglas

Sounds like a pretty cool day to be in New York.

Explanation: Today, if it is clear, Manhattan will flood dramatically with sunlight just as the Sun sets precisely on the centerline of every street. Usually, the tall buildings that line the gridded streets of New York City's tallest borough will hide the setting Sun. This effect makes Manhattan a type of modern Stonehenge, although only aligned to about 30 degrees east of north. Were Manhattan's road grid perfectly aligned to east and west, today's effect would occur on the Vernal and Autumnal Equinox, March 21 and September 21, the only two days that the Sun rises and sets due east and west. If today's sunset is hidden by clouds do not despair -- the same thing happens every May 28 and July 12. On none of these occasions, however, should you ever look directly at the Sun.

I kinda find it amusing that New Yorkers have to be reminded not to look directly at the Sun.

Posted 5/27/2004 10:10:00 PM by Douglas

I don't think I agree with this. Imagine, a bad Internet quiz. . .

Take the quiz: "Which American City Are You?"

New York
You're competative, you like to take it straight to the fight. You gotta have it all or die trying.

I've been there. . . whatever.

Posted 5/26/2004 10:26:00 PM by Douglas

How bad are gas prices in Houston? This bad:

A driver is fighting for his life this morning after heated words at a northwest Harris County gas station escalated to gunfire.

The incident began about 2 a.m. when two men in a dark-colored Chevrolet Tahoe argued with two men in a silver convertible Mustang at a service station on Walters Road near Briarchase, authorities said.

When the men in the Mustang left, they were chased by the men in the Tahoe, who opened fire.

Dang.

Posted 5/26/2004 10:24:00 PM by Douglas

If someone dares you to drink a Jim Jones elixir they cooked up in a high school chemistry lab and you get sick, is it their fault? Sure it is.

ODESSA -- A West Texas student who mixed a chemical cocktail that landed a teenager in the hospital will face a felony charge if the student who drank it chooses to press charges, authorities said today.

"The person who mixed it knew it was bad," Jackson said in a story in Tuesday's online edition of the Odessa American. "When you do something, and it causes serious bodily injury or death, that makes it aggravated."

The student, a 17-year-old recent transfer to Odessa High from Andrews, spent several days in the hospital after being found in a school hallway bleeding from the nose and mouth.

So where was the illegal act? The mixing of the chemicals, or the dare? Was it a normal dare, or the dreaded double dog dare?

It's not like they were forced to drink it. What a dumbass. Both of them.

Posted 5/25/2004 08:45:00 PM by Douglas

Some unexplained mysteries for a Tuesday. Be sure and check out the two faced kitten on page three.

Twice the pet, half the mess!

Posted 5/25/2004 08:35:00 PM by Douglas

It's back! The Draft!

Pursuant to Sub-Section 8, Paragraph C of Executive Branch Classified Directive #13334-P, dated 1 May 2004, the Armed Forces of the United States stand directed by President George W. Bush to accelerate preparations for compulsory induction of the adult non-homosexual population into active combat duty in the War Against Terror.

I hope my "Averse-to-Deathism" doesn't disqualify me. I do so love Sean Hannity.

Posted 5/25/2004 08:31:00 PM by Douglas

Dallas wins FBI's top crime city, yet again.

As expected, FBI statistics for 2003 show Dallas has the highest overall crime rate among the country's largest cities for the sixth year in a row.

City and police officials have known since last summer that Dallas was on track to keep the top crime spot. Since then, they have instituted new crime initiatives, fired the police chief and replaced him with a proven crime fighter, former Arlington Police Chief David Kunkle.

As expected? What an odd thing to say, especially coming as it does from the Houston Chronicle.

Posted 5/25/2004 08:30:00 PM by Douglas

WASHINGTON -- The Pentagon announced today following a cowardly attack on President Bush by Al-Queda sleeper cell agents that a massive counter attack that will affect much of the eastern United States.

"Newly released intelligence reports indicated that as many as one trillion of these Al-Queda operative have been inside the continental United States for almost two decades," said Undersecretary of Defense Douglas J. Feith. "The last known whereabouts of these agents was in 1987 when the secret service narrowly averted an attack on then President Reagan as he attended a Wham! concert."

At that time, the agents were believed to be Soviet, because, you know, that was who we were chasing then. Early reports revealed the agents trained with both Soviet and Mujahedin forces in Afghanistan and have been "underground" for the past 17 years, waiting for another Republican administration.

"This sort of unchecked aggression won't stand," said Vice President Cheney in a statement released from an undisclosed location. "The axis of evil [Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, and Feith] has been working around the clock at the Pentagon drafting "Operation Irony" which includes, but is not limited to, carpet bombing of the areas between Northern Alabama and Southern Michigan, from the Potomoc to the Mississippi.

Posted 5/25/2004 07:25:00 PM by Douglas

Who the hell would want to steal a Satrun?

The 1995 Saturn SL was the nation's most-stolen vehicle last year based on thefts versus the number of models registered, but hot-selling cars from Asian manufacturers remain popular targets and big sport utility vehicles are gaining ground, a new report shows.

One out of every 200 registered 1995 Saturn SLs was stolen in 2003, placing it ahead of the 1998 Acura Integra and the 1994 Saturn SL as the vehicle thieves targeted most, according to Chicago-based CCC Information Services Inc., an insurance industry tracker of trends in theft and vehicle damage.

Better invest in the Club, Dave.

Posted 5/24/2004 09:21:00 PM by Douglas

What are the odds that your casino bus is actually going to make it back from the casino?

A bus returning to Houston from a Lousiana[sic] casino slammed into a tractor-trailer rig on Interstate 10 early this morning, killing one passenger.

Five critically injured people were airlifted to Memorial Hermann Medical Center in Houston, and 25 less seriously injured people were driven by bus to nearby community hospitals.

Damn. Better stick to bingo.

Posted 5/21/2004 09:11:00 PM by Douglas

It's official. People in England are even more bored than we are. What other justification could you possibly employ to describe the motivation to set the record of the "most nudes on a rollercoaster?"

The naked joy riders spent a hair-raising one minute and fifty seconds swooping around the rails of the gravity defying rollercoaster ride at a theme park south of London.

A spokeswoman at the park said 81 students from 15 universities took part in the record breaking stunt, which had never been attempted before.

But check out the picture. I have no idea why they put the chicks in the front car. No idea at all. . . .

Man, they must be pullin' some G's. Either that, or they're not really college students, if you know what I mean. . . What did the sign outside the roller coaster say? "You must be at least this randy" to ride this roller coaster?

Something like that.

Posted 5/21/2004 08:57:00 PM by Douglas

Good to see the Russians finally getting around to honoring some guys that prevented the end of humanity.

MOSCOW -- A retired Soviet military officer was honored Friday for averting a potential nuclear war in 1983 by ignoring an alarm that said the United States had launched a ballistic missile, a U.S.-based peace association said on its Web site.

Lt. Col. Stanislav Petrov was in charge of the Soviet Union's early warning system when the system wrongly signaled the launch of a U.S. Minuteman intercontinental ballistic missile in September 1983.

Petrov had to decide within 20 minutes whether the report was accurate and whether he should launch missiles in retaliation, the Vlast magazine reported in 1998.

Petrov decided the alarm was false and did not launch a retaliatory strike.

Wait a second. . . . this story sound familiar. 1983, huh? Isn't that the same year that War Games came out? It is! It's the same story? Now I know where the movie came from: Our own imminent mutually assured destruction! Cool!

Labels: Stanislav Petrov

Posted 5/21/2004 08:48:00 PM by Douglas

And I thought the DWI laws sucked in Texas. This just makes no sense.

Hans du Toit was stopped by police in the town of Philippolis, 650km south of Johannesburg, when they noticed his cart swerving across the street.

He was ordered to stop, but when the police left the scene he continued on his journey, South African media said.

Before appearing in court, he said he did not stop "because the animals knew the way home".

"I know this road and so do my donkeys. If I don't find it, my donkeys will," he said.

Let the guy get home, for crap's sake. Unless the donkey was drunk.

Then they should lock his drunk ass up.

Posted 5/20/2004 11:07:00 PM by Douglas

No comment on this one. Just one question, as summed up by the last line of the article.

Are book burnings next?

Well?

Posted 5/20/2004 10:46:00 PM by Douglas

Just finished watching the culmunation of McNamara's mea culpa, Fog of War. What an incredible film. If there was just some way to get Wolfowitz to sit down and watch it, think of how the world would be different?

It's odd to see that Bush and LBJ both have the same condesending, arrogant swaggar about them, since the rest of the country (and world) will see that as a Texan thing, when it isn't Texan at all.

Also, excellent Dylan Thomas poem there at the end.

The Hand that Signed the Paper Felled a City
The hand that signed the paper felled a city;
Five sovereign fingers taxed the breath,
Doubled the globe of dead and halved a country;
These five kings did a king to death.

The mighty hand leads to a sloping shoulder,
The finger joints are cramped with chalk;
A goose's quill has put an end to murder
That put an end to talk.

The hand that signed the treaty bred a fever,
And famine grew, and locusts came;
Great is the hand the holds dominion over
Man by a scribbled name.

The five kings count the dead but do not soften
The crusted wound nor pat the brow;
A hand rules pity as a hand rules heaven;
Hands have no tears to flow.

Great is the hand the holds dominion over Man by a scribbled name. What more can you say?

Posted 5/20/2004 10:19:00 PM by Douglas

I never understood why I didn't get back my security deposit when I left my last apartment. I guess it was obvious all along.

Holy crap. Why bother cleaning? Things like that can only be cleansed with fire.

Posted 5/20/2004 10:17:00 PM by Douglas

Paging Mr. Weiner, Mr. Harry Weiner, please report to the courtesy desk. That sounds like a porn name. A fake porn name.

Posted 5/20/2004 09:54:00 PM by Douglas

As human beings, we enjoy the ability to explore an avenue to redress our grievances that doesn't involve bonking someone on the head with a hammer. Whereas some people have not found the legal system to be an improvement of this system, still others have seized on the inherent complexity of the courts and exploited them to their own advantage.

Meet Sandra Harden. She's suing the institution where her baby boy was incarcerated because they designed an inferior facility that enabled him to commit suicide. Pretty tragic, right? Well, I left out the part about her son Maury being incarcerated for the alleged murder of "as many as 20 drug-addicted prostitutes."

Harden's suit also claims her son was held in a cell that architects designed - and builders put together - with blind spots in cells and an air vent that should not have accommodated a hanging.

The suit, in U.S. District Court at St. Louis, seeks $75,000 in burial costs, plus costs of the litigation.

That's just plain sad. I'm sure they'll settle for about $50K.

Posted 5/20/2004 09:36:00 PM by Douglas

Why I love The New York Times, and you should too. You gotta love this wonderful corrections piece:

* An article on Monday about the 50th anniversary of the Supreme Court ruling that ended school segregation misstated a word in a paraphrase from President Bush, who attended a ceremony in Topeka, Kan. He called for a continuing battle to end racial inequality - not equality.

Emphasis added, but obviously unneeded. That's the crippling attention to detail that has made The Times the world's newspaper. Right?


More Times bashing here, here, and here.

Posted 5/18/2004 09:33:00 PM by Douglas

If you're looking for porn and you're near the Mount Comfort Road exit off I-70 in Hancock County, Indiana, it looks like now you're going to have to drive a little farther.

Byrer, 40, has been marketing adult videos mainly to truck drivers over his CB radio. He would park his truck on a dead-end road near the Pilot Travel Center, where drivers easily could pull off the interstate to make purchases.

Having confirmed the commissioners' authority to grant or refuse a vendor's permit to sell anything within the county, Commissioner Armin Apple told Byrer he must stop.

"You're not in any trouble," he said. "But there's not going to be any more (sales) activity there."

Byrer said he will respect the commissioners' verdict.

Mount Comfort Road? Hancock County? I'm not making this stuff up. . .

Dag Nabbit. I thought this was America?!? Used to be a road-weary traveler could "go down" the "Mount Comfort" exit in "Hancock County" and buy a couple of videos. Well, no more.

This is a sad day in the history road-fueled porn.

Sad, indeed.

Posted 5/18/2004 09:12:00 PM by Douglas

NSFW.com is actually SFW. Who'd a thunk it?

Thanks, Agitator!

Posted 5/18/2004 09:09:00 PM by Douglas

Truly, an amazing article:

The French government Monday described the 35-hour working week as a financial disaster that was costing the state billions of dollars and promised to reform the system despite fierce union opposition.

The finance minister, Nicolas Sarkozy, said that the 35-hour week had burdened the state with additional social charges and that it had demoralized millions of workers.

Not amazing that French Socialism destroyed their economy, but amazing in that they admitted it.

Posted 5/18/2004 08:39:00 PM by Douglas

This is not a joke! This is the end of civilization as we know it. This is the era of the mobile law firm. I'm sure the truck is turbo-charged, to help facilitate the ambulance chasing.

I arrived at work Tuesday, May 4 for an early meeting and found this truck parked outside of my ER in physician only parking.

Our security staff chased him from the physician parking, but he spent the rest of the day camped on the corner diagonally opposite the ED. I guess it must work or they wouldn't be doing it.

So this is what has happened to two grand professions in a world where capitalism has triumphed over common sense.

Be sure and check out the mobile law firm parked in the "physician only" parking, and then blocking the fire hydrant. I think I'm gonna sue.

Posted 5/18/2004 08:14:00 PM by Douglas

The annual "Unusually rough hurricane season predicted" prediction released today.

Check your flood insurance and emergency supplies, and consider putting up storm shutters. The upcoming hurricane season for the Atlantic Ocean and Gulf of Mexico is expected to be rougher than usual.

The National Hurricane Center in Miami forecasts 12 to 15 named tropical storms during the season, which runs June 1 through Nov. 30. Six to eight of these are likely to strengthen into hurricanes, and two to four of those are expected to become major hurricanes, center officials said Monday at Ellington Field.

So look out for that. A butterfly in Africa is beating its wings creating Hurricane Hermine right this instant.

Labels: hurricanes

Posted 5/18/2004 08:03:00 PM by Douglas

Here are some automobile accessories that everyone needs

• -High Quality Synthetic Blinker Fluid- Are you blinkers sluggish? Do they make an annoying ticking noise? Do they not flash fast enough? Here's your solution.
• -Fuel Injector Cleaner for Carbureted Engines- Ever service the fuel injectors on your carbureted motor? I bet you never thought to do that. Clogged fuel injectors are the number one cause of carburetor failures!

Ya know, my blinker has been a bit sluggish lately. . . .Don't miss out on the performance page, too.

• -Exhaust Filter- Provides 50% more airflow than standard filter. Fits behind Catalytic converter.
• -Piston Return Springs- KaleCo piston return springs FORCE the pistons back into the motor, no longer rely on gravity!
• -Radiator Insulation Bezel- All sorts of heat is lost through the radiator - in essence - losing the horsepower through heat! Not anymore!!
• -Motor Block Oil Bypass Kit- Modern synthetic oil is very expensive - so why run the risk of getting it dirty by running it through your motor block?

So where is the order form? That's a great price on blinker fluid.

Posted 5/18/2004 06:37:00 AM by Douglas

God Bless Texas. But considering the quarter curse, I would have proposed a big 'o Aggie on the back.

Posted 5/17/2004 09:04:00 PM by Douglas

Blogs are like opinions: Everyone's got one, and they usually stink. But since the relentless drumbeat towards has slowed down, this person decides to stick her thumb in the eye of all the unpaid Bush Administration war-bloggers. Well, good for her, although I don't envy her inbox.

The warblog drums are growing silent.

They're either running out of time, or money, or steam — or the conviction that Operation Iraqi Freedom was going to be a cakewalk in the sand.

If the above makes no sense to you, then you have not been paying attention to the chest-thumping chaterati of the cybersphere, a post 9/11 class of might-is-right and right-is-might wordsmiths who rode the "War on terror" wave with their warmongering web logs.

But now, with the news getting more dire, the quag more mired and the cost of war ever higher, the warbloggers find themselves on the wrong side of history. And so some of them are putting down their mice and putting up a white flag.

Sounds like someone is asking for a good Fisking, even though she's probably right.

Posted 5/16/2004 02:09:00 AM by Douglas

Shortage of engineers? Somehow I doubt that.

In addition, one quarter of the scientists and engineers in America will retire within five years, NASA Administrator Sean O'Keefe said Thursday at the council's annual dinner at Bates College.

Of the problems plaguing NASA, a shortage of engineers isn't one of them. Hell, since we derive 80% or our GDP from the service portion of our economy (according to the CIA, we may have too many engineers. What the hell are they (we) going to engineer in a service economy, anyway?

Posted 5/16/2004 02:04:00 AM by Douglas

Maybe I'm naive, but I think it would be really difficult to deny the fact that you're missing a finger.

A frequent Albuquerque zoo visitor whose finger was found bitten off outside the jaguar exhibit has been banned from the zoo for life.

The man had been spotted running into a zoo bathroom Tuesday.

Darnell says he denied missing any fingers.

Why ban him? This looks like a good opportunity to save money on jaguar food.

Posted 5/16/2004 01:57:00 AM by Douglas

The dangers of driving in Florida:

Ralph Glaister was shell-shocked when a flying turtle crashed through his windshield Wednesday afternoon on Interstate 95.

"There was a loud crash. When I looked up, there was glass all over me and a turtle sitting beside me in my van," the 45-year-old Deerfield Beach resident said. "It seemed like it happened in slow motion."

A flying turtle? Turtles can fly? Who knew?

Posted 5/16/2004 01:54:00 AM by Douglas

This is what makes America great. Everyone doing what they can, ahem, for the war effort.

- ***BIG BIG WARNING*** the second part of our motto is BE DISCRETE! That means not letting on that you are on an OTOFTC mission. To the group in Galveston Texas (Yes, I got word the NEXT day), you CANNOT, and I mean CANNOT go to a bar and get loaded and start chanting 'TAKE ONE FOR THE COUNTRY' like a zillion times. That's bad. I love you Texan gals and love your spirit but that's not what we are trying to accomplish and it's not safe.
- A great idea from Shellie A., wife of Lt. A of Ft. Rucker. She is calling on wives of servicemen to have 'Felatio Friday' at least once a month. Awesome awesome idea.

Good call, Shellie A., I salute you. You are a true visionary. Only on Fridays, though?

Army enlistments just increased by about 69%.

Posted 5/15/2004 06:23:00 PM by Douglas

"He said they didn't taste too bad, but his wife didn't care for the aroma," said Dr. Al Ripani, the doctor who treated the man at Promptcare East.

It's 2004, and we're reading stories like this:

A man who cooked and ate nearly 30 cicadas sought medical treatment after suffering a strong allergic reaction to the sautéed insects.

The man showed up at a Bloomington clinic Thursday covered from head-to-toe in hives, and sheepishly told a doctor he'd caught and ate the cicadas after sautéing them in butter with crushed garlic and basil.

Of course, the idiot wouldn't eat a few of them. He had to eat thirty of them before he'd consider if their exoskeleton would upset his known shellfish allergy. Genius.

And entomologists from the University of Maryland have published a Cicada-licious cookbook? What's up with these people?

Yummy:

Posted 5/14/2004 06:38:00 PM by Douglas

The locusts are here, the locusts are here! OK, sorry, technically they're cicadas, but that doesn't make them any less annoying. Apparently, they're a serious health risk.

First there was the girl who fell off her bike fleeing a flying cicada. Then a boy trying to swat a cicada out of the air with a baseball bat instead hit his friend in the nose.

The final straw came when another child hurt his hand trying to squish a cicada under a car’s tires. Dr. Ray Baker of Cincinnati Children’s Hospital was convinced -- cicadas can be a safety hazard to children.

Starting this week and lasting into June, billions and possibly even trillions of cicadas will emerge across much of the eastern half of the United States.

That sounds like a mess, but I'm hesitant to blame a bug for a careless swing of a baseball bat that landed on a kids nose. That sounds like a stupid kid swinging a baseball bat, but what do I know?

But you got to give it up for this guy. What an idea! Of course it's rare, they only come around every 17 years, after all. Nevermind the fact that there's going to be a trillion of them.

Get 'em while they're hot, folks.

Posted 5/13/2004 09:33:00 PM by Douglas

I've really tried to avoid weighing in on the Iraqi prison stuff, for many reason, but it came to a head today in the United States Senate when the real pictures came out. The ones you won't see on foreign media. The Hard-core, XXX shots of the American Liberators.

Shocking shots of sexcapades involving Pfc. Lynndie England were among the hundreds of X-rated photos and videos from the Abu Ghraib prison scandal shown to lawmakers in a top-secret Capitol conference room yesterday.

"She was having sex with numerous partners. It appeared to be consensual," said a lawmaker who saw the photos.

And, videos showed the disgraced soldier - made notorious in a photo showing her holding a leash looped around an Iraqi prisoner's neck - engaged in graphic sex acts with other soldiers in front of Iraqi prisoners, Pentagon officials told NBC Nightly News.

"Almost everybody was naked all the time," another lawmaker said.

Many members of Congress left the 45-minute viewing session early, thereby missing the porno performance by England, but there were enough other images of torture, humiliation and intimidation to sicken anyone.

Take a step back and consider, for a moment, the mentality it would require to have sex with multiple partners in an Army Prison. Now, trump that with the notion that this beautiful act would be recorded for posterity on digital video. Got it? Got your mind wrapped around what we're dealing with? M'kay. Let's go to the reaction from our esteemed Senators:

"It was pretty disgusting, not what you'd expect from Americans," said Sen. Norm Coleman (R-Minn.). "There was lots of sexual stuff - not of the Iraqis, but of our troops."

Ok, R-Minn, I can see how that would surprise you. Since it's only warm enough for sex five months of the year in Minnesota, you don't know how to handle this situation at all. Thankfully this hearing happened in May instead of November, or you'd still be shoveling your roof.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.), who also characterized the photos as "disgusting," agreed, noting, "It's hard to believe that this actually is taking place in a military facility."

Yes, even Dianne "Left of Satan" Feinstein of Cali is outraged. Why? That this happened in a military facility, as opposed to where this sort sadomasochistic sex normally happens in California. Day Care Centers, Jr. High Schools, and Retirement homes. Focus, people!

"It was significantly worse than I had anticipated," said Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore). "Take the worst case and multiply it over several times."

Did you think it was going to be a good thing you were called in for a special committee meeting? Was he expecting a special screening of Booty Duty 34? Senators don't get overtime just for the hell of it.

But if you're waiting for the real insight, you've got to wait for Ben "Nighthorse" Campbell with this stirring observance:

"I don't know how these people got into our Army," said Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell (R-Colo.), who reported seeing "several pictures of Iraqi women who were disrobed or putting their shirts up."

Welcome to the all-volunteer Army. Professional soldiers, or losers who can't get a real job. You be the judge.

Go ahead, the rest of the world already has.

Where is Teddy (D-Mass) in all of this? I can only imagine his response to viewing such pornography:

That's the worst porno I've seen since Tuesday. The lighting was terrible, the music wasn't even in sync, and the money shots were terribly misplaced.

Or something like that.

Posted 5/12/2004 09:11:00 PM by Douglas

My only fear of flying: a stewardess that freaks out and cracks open the emergency exit at an inopportune moment.

An air hostess grounded a flight — when she had a panic attack and opened an emergency door.

The cabin girl fled as the packed holiday jet was getting ready to taxi.

She grabbed her bag from an overhead locker, then unlocked the sealed door.

The girl jumped off the plane on to steps which had been hurriedly put in place by ground crew.

Don't they screen these people???

Posted 5/12/2004 09:06:00 PM by Douglas

Train derailed by wind. That's got to be one hell of a storm.

"It was raining pretty hard. It was a little bit of hail," Koehn said. "I was just fixing to go out and check on my wheat crop, and I noticed the twister."

Dang. Time to head to the cellar.

Posted 5/12/2004 08:48:00 PM by Douglas

A gratuitous picture from Yellowstone three weeks ago. Old Faithful, in all her glory:

Posted 5/12/2004 08:32:00 PM by Douglas

I don't know what kind of school UT wants to become, but apparently they're not too concerned with the people of Texas. They're trying to get rid of the automatic admission of the top 10% of Texas High School students.

The University of Texas-Austin will ask the Legislature to limit the number of students admitted under the state's Top 10 percent law, part of a new plan to shrink the state's largest public university.

UT President Larry Faulkner Tuesday endorsed recommendations of the task force on enrollment strategy that also include increasing the size of the faculty, getting more students to graduate in four years and making the school's target size 48,000 students.

Let's forget for a moment that tuition and fees quadrupled in the past decade, but now they're trying to keep their enrollment low by excluding the top 10% of Texas taxpayers that are at the top of their class?

The libertarian in me says this should go the way of the dodo. It's socialist to give red-necks from bum-fuck high schools an automatic ticket to an exceptional school like UT just because they're in Texas. But the red-neck in me sees a kid (me) in a bum-fuck high school that couldn't afford a basic college-bound curriculum (calculus, physics, computer programming, etc.) being excluded from a premiere University experience because they (me) didn't have an adequate SAT/ACT score.

The "top 10%" of my high school was 4 people, and 50% of those people graduated from UT. In four years, so suck on that, Faulkner.

Posted 5/11/2004 08:33:00 PM by Douglas

Just because Burger King has a subservient chicken doesn't mean it's going to get to their head.

Burger King, the world's No. 2 hamburger chain, is moving forward with plans to capitalize on the success of its offbeat "Subservient Chicken" Web site while making sure to keep its hero below the mainstream radar.

The chain, which is working to revitalize sales and promote its new TenderCrisp chicken sandwiches, launched the Web site April 7, creating a wave of Internet buzz and media attention overnight. A search for the phrase "subservient chicken" on Internet search engine Google, for instance, produces more than 40,000 results.

It sure would be a shame if something like this got played out too soon.

Posted 5/10/2004 09:13:00 PM by Douglas

Want to throw a spear like a pro? Of course you do:

The atlatl is an ancient spear-throwing weapon that has been gaining in popularity in the last decade. The atlatl is used today for sports ranging from target shooting, to hunting, to fishing. Thunderbird Atlatl is the world's largest atlatl manufacturer.

Nothing like 2,000 year old technology "gaining in popularity in the last decade." Uh, yeah, sure. I can't wait for the Million Mom March gets their hands on this.

Or should I say, the 2,000 Mom March. Whatever. I'm sure they just automatically round up to the nearest million.

Posted 5/10/2004 09:00:00 PM by Douglas

Do people choose dogs that look like themselves, or act like themselves? Good question.

"When people pick a dog, they look for one that, at some level, bears some resemblance to them." While the study referenced physical traits, wouldn't it be an improvement if we resembled the personality traits of our dogs?

Man, that's a tough one. Maybe this picture will help break the tie:

D, your tongue speaks louder than words.

Posted 5/10/2004 06:54:00 PM by Douglas

Meet Kashka

Posted 5/10/2004 02:31:00 PM by Douglas

Don't forget to get your free shrimp today.

Posted 5/09/2004 04:14:00 PM by Douglas

The death of mankind, but only in America. Drugs, earthquakes, war, AIDS, cancer? No. Insurance companies and their lawyers. Small town doctors in Ohio can't afford exorbitant malpractice insurance, so after three generations of delivering babies, they're hanging up their hot water and towels for some plain old stethoscopes.

Perhaps one day the children of family physicians Jim Schwieterman, MD, and Tom Schwieterman, MD, will pick up where medical liability rates have forced the brothers to leave off.

The duo is scheduled to deliver their last baby in September, stopping a more than 100-year run of their family bringing children into the world in Mercer County, Ohio.

And in an ending that wouldn't have been more perfect if Hollywood had written the script, the brothers' last delivery will be the baby of a woman their father delivered.

Their grandfather delivered the woman's mother. And the doctors' great-grandfather who founded the Maria Stein, Ohio, family practice, delivered the woman's grandmother.

This is the price we all pay for this kind of crap.

---

And in another article shamelessly poached from overlawyered.com, this is enough to make anyone fume:

In May 1995, Dawn Goodson's car was rear-ended by a car insured by American Standard. Fourteen months later, in July 1996, Goodson and her children spent $8,000 on a chiropractor. Goodson submitted an insurance claim three months later.

You might imagine a wee bit of skepticism on the part of the insurance company. Goodson hadn't gone through American Standard's PPO, which meant that the bills were higher than they would have been; moreover, American Standard was skeptical that a chiropractor's 1996 treatment for three individuals was medically necessary as a result of the 1995 accident, and asked for an independent medical evaluation. Nevertheless, American Standard, after initially offering to pay part of the bill, eventually paid the full medical bills in April 1998.

Not good enough: Goodson sued three months later, seeking damages for "emotional distress." A jury awarded $75,000, and doubled it with $75,000 of punitive damages.

The end isn't near. It's hear. Thankfully, I don't have to pay for Colorado insurance. Yet.

Posted 5/09/2004 03:37:00 PM by Douglas

Finally, Santa Fe is taking an appropriate stance to the Klan: ignoring them.

The Ku Klux Klan may no longer have a sympathetic audience in this small community with a long history of racial strife.

Saturday, a group of 10 Klansmen, a few dressed in the traditional white robes and hoods, were in town to promote their group. But while nearly 2,000 people, mostly protestors, came out when the group visited last year, this time around they were pretty much left alone.

Santa Fe police officers were under orders to ignore the Klan with the hope the group would eventually pack up and leave, the Texas City Sun reported today.

Only ten Klan guys showed up? That doesn't sound like much of a rally to me. Hell, it's barely even a softball team.

The First Amendment protects people's right to speak their minds, and the cornerstone of that freedom lies in protecting unpopular opinions. Popular opinions, by their very nature, don't need to be protected. But it seems like it's a lot less likely that the guys in dunce hats will show up if they know they won't make the paper and the 6 o'clock news. If the community is really that opposed to them and they ignore them, they'll eventually crawl back under the rock they came from.

I guess this really crystallizes why Santa Fe is still on their whistle-stop tour:

Last year a black student received threatening letters complete with a drawing of a hangman's noose and a misspelled racial slur.

If you're going to go to the trouble to make a racial slur, maybe you should invest in a proofreader.

Posted 5/08/2004 05:53:00 PM by Douglas

Possibly the most creative getaway in bank-robbery history.

Prosecutors said Samples walked into a Red Wing credit union and stole nearly $70,000 at gunpoint. He hid in the river for eight hours while police searched nearby streets, later drifting downstream to his car.

Prosecutors had discounted the insanity defense, saying Samples was a greedy man who obscured his gun's serial number so it could not be traced and stashed scuba gear for his getaway.

Now that's when your SCUBA training really pays off.

Posted 5/08/2004 05:46:00 PM by Douglas

Commencement communications gap, generation gap, or intelligence gap? Too close to call.

In other speeches, the "commencement communications gap" -- the exquisite absence of meaning that takes place between well-intentioned middle-aged speakers and slightly drowsy young graduates -- will take similar form. This spring, as images from Iraq lure older folk into historical analogies, the danger will be greater than ever.

Not that this is a new phenomenon, but it's just funny to think that college graduates now have never known a world without ubiquitous cell phones and think that Madonna wrote American Pie after she saw the movie. But what can be done?

Some wise heads believe the apt time to draw attention to the reference gap between academe's more-senior citizens and the 17-to-21 crew is September. For six years running, Beloit College's information office has been taking that task on its stooped shoulders, issuing a Mindset List of short items to alert faculty members to the telescoped life experience of their charges born in the mid-'80s. Observations from recent lists age you on contact:

• Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
• Banana Republic has always been a store, not a puppet government in Latin America.
• The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
• They do not have a clue how to use a typewriter.
• They've never heard, "Where's the beef?"
• Paul Newman has always made salad dressing.
• Michael Jackson has always been white.

So there is hope for the future. In 10 more years, kids won't think that Britney originated the phrase "oops, I did it again."

Posted 5/07/2004 08:16:00 PM by Douglas

Dumb web sites, part three. Ever wanted a guy in a chicken suit to do your bidding? Of course you have. Some suggestions?

• YMCA
• Jumping jacks
• Throw gang signs
• Make a sandwich
• Flip
• Cartwheel

I wonder if this is what Al Gore had in mind when he invented the Internet?

Posted 5/07/2004 08:11:00 PM by Douglas

Dumb web sites, part two. Ever wondered what it would be like to talk to Jack the Ripper? Me neither.

Posted 5/07/2004 08:02:00 PM by Douglas

Try not to stare at this for too long. It might make your head explode.

Posted 5/07/2004 07:57:00 PM by Douglas

The late, great Bill Hicks only made it to number 19 on Comedy Central's list of all time best stand ups, but that's still pretty impressive, considering the competition. I can only imagine what he'd be doing today. If pancreatic cancer didn't kill him, I'm sure the madness of Bush 43 would have driven him to an early grave.

Posted 5/06/2004 10:07:00 PM by Douglas

This is truly a remarkable article. Remarkable in that generally people this stupid can't read, much less post an article in their school's paper.

I am not against dressing to catch someone’s eye. I know I dress differently if I am on a date versus going out on an average day. What I am against, though, is the idea that women always have to dress for the heterosexual male gaze, and that they should hide their bodies because they do not meet society’s standard of the thin body.

If a woman is comfortable wearing clothing that reveals what Fabian calls the “FUPA (Fat Upper Pelvic Area),” get over it.

I tried to find the article she was referring to, but apparently it got yanked from the paper's web site, presumably because it was as dumb as this one.

Back when people cared what they looked like, ass cracks were reserved for plumbers. Big fat hairy plumbers. But I guess the sexual revolution of the new millennium has revealed unto women everywhere that they, too, have ass cracks. And there was much rejoicing.

As for the “dressing slutty” argument, it needs to end. What a woman wears should not be read as a sign of her sexual conduct, nor should we continue to have double standards of sexual freedom for the sexes.

If you want to continue calling women sluts because of what they wear, then here is the deal I am willing to propose: All men who are equally sexually active must wear an orange armband at all times. After all, I deserve to know which men are sluts if you get to know which women are sluts. It is only fair.

Ah, the naïveté of youth. She probably honestly thinks this is a clever idea. Your appearance is the first thing people notice about you, and to all the people that see you that you don't know, it's the only thing. Attractive people don't need to wear a sign that they're attractive anymore than fat people need to let others know that they're fat. That's why it's called "an appearance."

An Armani suit is going to give a different impression than a NASCAR T-shirt and cut-offs, just like a Hitler Youth armband means something different from a Greenpeace button. The thing about this particular fashion, low-cut jeans, is that they look bad on just about everyone.

The idea that women would want to take the widest part of their body and accentuate it is totally contrary to the motives of every single woman I've ever known. But hey, if chunky girls, or anyone, for that matter, want to show off their guts, it's still a free country. For now.

Posted 5/06/2004 09:47:00 PM by Douglas

Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Just off Interstate 90, across the street from Johnny's Restaurant, a local greasy spoon, you'll find the world's first--and likely last--museum dedicated solely to Spam. No, not the annoying e-mail messages in your inbox. I'm talking about the "miracle meat" in a can your grandma used to make you eat.

...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...

Posted 5/06/2004 09:37:00 PM by Douglas

First the sinkholes, now West Texas has been hit by the Plague. The freakin' plague.

The Texas Department of Health has issued a plague advisory to veterinarians and physicians in the West Texas, Panhandle and South Plains areas.

The agency announced Wednesday that the bacterium that causes plague has been found in some wood rats in West Texas. The dead rats were found in a rural area near the border of Midland and Glasscock counties.

Experts said plague is not unusual in wild rodents in the western United States.

The Health Department also said the bacterium turned up in fleas from wild prairie dogs in Dallam County in the northernmost part of the Panhandle.

So look out for that one.

Posted 5/06/2004 09:25:00 PM by Douglas

"True human goodness, in all its purity and freedom, can come to the fore only when its recipient has no power. Mankind's true moral test, its fundamental test (which lies deeply buried from view), consists in its attitude towards those who are at its mercy: animals. And in this respect mankind has suffered a fundamental débcle, a débcle so fundamental that all others stem from it."

Never read it, but kinda want to now. Never trust anyone that's cruel to animals.

Posted 5/06/2004 09:17:00 PM by Douglas

Gmail. It's for real, and I got my gigabyte of disk space. mail me.

Posted 5/06/2004 07:01:00 PM by Douglas

Friends. How can we miss them if they won't go away?

Two words: Fucking Finally.

Posted 5/05/2004 07:02:00 PM by Douglas

And you thought you had a bad day at work. At least you didn't get shot in the head 6 times with a nail gun:

Posted 5/04/2004 07:56:00 PM by Douglas

The Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors or Similes. I don't know, I kinda like this one:

A single drop of sweat slowly inched down Chad's brow -- a tiny, glistening Times Square New Year's Eve Ball of desperation.

YMMV

Posted 5/04/2004 07:46:00 PM by Douglas

I found an interesting blog about Wal-Mart. It says " The Best and the Worst about Wal-Mart," but I can't imagine that being very balanced. I given 'em 2 weeks before they're sued.

Here's a great article on the most depressing place on earth, by Jim Hightower of all people.

As Charlie Kernaghan of the National Labor Committee reports, "In country after country, factories that produce for Wal-Mart are the worst," adding that the bottom-feeding labor policy of this one corporation "is actually lowering standards in China, slashing wages and benefits, imposing long mandatory-overtime shifts, while tolerating the arbitrary firing of workers who even dare to discuss factory conditions."

Good to know that Wal-Mart isn't just fucking up America, but China, too. I'd hate for them to be left out.

Posted 5/04/2004 07:37:00 PM by Douglas

I don't know why I laughed at this idiot so much, but I did.

A Rusk County nurse has been charged with attempted murder after he allegedly prepared his wife a bubble bath, complete with candles and music, then tried to electrocute her by pushing a radio into the tub.

William Joseph Wolfe, 34, an emergency room nurse at Henderson Memorial Hospital, was out on $40,000 bail Monday. He was arrested Thursday night at his residence on a second-degree charge of criminal attempt at murder.

His wife, Teresa Wolfe, told police her husband had moved the radio from its usual place in the bathroom to a bench near the bathtub with an extension cord running into another room, according to an affidavit.

She said she caught the radio before it hit the water. She told police her husband's reaction was "not normal." She later discovered her husband had accessed Web sites dealing with bathtub electrocution, according to the affidavit.

A radio? What an amateur. Everyone knows you need to use the toaster.

Posted 5/04/2004 07:35:00 PM by Douglas

School vandalism? Spray-paint is vandalism, cutting the break lines of a bus is a bit more than that.

Vandals cut brake lines on a school bus, but the damage was discovered before Central Texas students could depart on a planned field trip.

One juvenile boy was arrested in the vandalism that also included the drawing of racially charged symbols on the bus owned by a religious school. Two others were sought, police said Monday.

Students at Our Lady of the Hills Catholic Church were preparing to depart on a field trip April 26 when mechanical alarms alerted them to the sabotage, which apparently had occurred the night before. An inspection showed hoses were cut under the hood.

Sounds like the kids in Kerrville need something to do.

Posted 5/04/2004 07:25:00 PM by Douglas

I've heard of some giant holes in West Texas, hell, even known a few. But this is getting ridiculous.

A sinkhole that is destroying West Texas oil lines is already almost as far across as three football fields and it's growing.

Experts said the sinkhole, which has grown to 275 metres from about 40 metres when it formed in 2002, may be caused by salt removal. The collapse has destroyed crude oil flow lines in the Hendrick oil and gas field, which has produced 250 million barrels of oil since 1926. Geologists, petroleum company officials and government representatives met Wednesday to discuss the problem.

Some in the area, including independent producer John Bell, worry the sinkhole could ruin the freshwater supply for the Winkler County towns Kermit and Wink, west of Odessa.

A big hole in Wink and Kermit. Hell, I bet it took them several weeks to even notice it.

Posted 5/03/2004 06:03:00 PM by Douglas

Come on. . . admit it. You want to know how to fold a dollar bill into a suggestive representation of the female anatomy. We all do.

Posted 5/03/2004 05:54:00 PM by Douglas

Of course it was negligent that the windows were capable of being opened on the bus.

The mother of a teen killed when he stuck his head out of a school bus has taken the first step toward a possible lawsuit against Perry Township Schools and the city of Indianapolis.

Irma Garcia sent officials a tort claim notice -- a necessary step before filing a lawsuit against a governmental agency -- on Monday. She is seeking $300,000, the maximum allowed for a wrongful death lawsuit in Indiana.

Her son, Raul Gonzalez IV, 16, died after he stuck his head out of a bus window and struck a tree last fall. The bus driver was steering to avoid an injured raccoon about 7:15 a.m. Nov. 17 on Stop 11 Road, just west of Bluff Road. Raul was declared dead at the scene shortly after the incident.

Isn't that the first thing they tell you when you get on the bus? Don't stick your head out the window, because the driver might swerve to miss a raccoon and you could hit your head on a tree? Maybe I'm missing something.

Raul would still be alive, said Garcia's lawyer, Robert York, if the bus's windows had been blocked from opening more than a few inches.

If the bus's window opened all the way, Raul would still be alive if he'd kept his head in the bus.

Posted 5/03/2004 05:35:00 PM by Douglas

From the your tax dollar at work file, the TABC making sure prom night is safe and sober.

On Saturday night, he was cruising in an unmarked car near the Amarillo Civic Center, where Randall High School and Tascosa High School were having proms. Some blocks away, Canyon High School's prom was underway at the Santa Fe Building.

Russell and two other TABC agents keep an eye on proms as part of the agency's annual Operation Safe Prom/Safe Graduation campaign.

Russell said Saturday night's work started about 6 p.m. with spot checks at package stores, where some teens stock up on liquor for after the prom.

Keeping teenagers from drinking. And I thought I had a crappy job. How the hell does that guy get out of bed every day? It's good to know all those kids are sober when they have indiscriminate sex with someone they'll soon regret. Christian Cartwright drives it home:

"Prom night is kind of like release," Cartwright explained.

It sure is.

Posted 5/03/2004 05:18:00 PM by Douglas

Don't rock the boat. Even if you're going by a nude beach

Partygoers apparently hoping to catch a glimpse of nude sunbathers crowded on one side of a floating barge, prompting the ship to capsize and dump all 60 people into Lake Travis.

Two people were hospitalized with minor injuries Sunday after the rented double-decker barge sank near Hippie Hollow, a lakeside park and the only public nude beach in Texas.

The accident occurred during Splash Day, a semiannual event hosted at the clothing-optional area by the Austin Tavern Guild, a gay and lesbian bar association.

Ah, Austin. Some things will never change. How sad it is for the two people that were hospitalized. Not so much because they were hurt, but because they had to explain to their coworkers on Monday that they went to hospital because they were trying to sneak a peak at a bunch of naked gay people.

Posted 5/01/2004 07:26:00 PM by Douglas

Brian takes on the Confederate Air Force. What a bunch of pussies.

To hear the old CAF lore, long ago a group of South Texans chose the name Confederate Air Force as kind of a joke. Well, it’s no joke now.

Correction. They're nothing but a joke now.