Posted 1/31/2009 06:08:00 PM by Douglas

Barry's having a hard time trying to figure out how to spend your money to fix the economy.

President Barack Obama on Saturday promised to lower mortgage costs, offer job-creating loans for small businesses, get credit flowing and rein in free-spending executives as he readies a new road map for spending billions from the second installment of the financial rescue plan.

The White House is deciding how to structure the remaining half of the $700 billion that Congress approved last year to save financial institutions and lenders. An announcement was possible as early as this coming week on an approach that would use a range of tools to unfreeze credit, helping families and businesses.

Spend your way out of debt! I can't see what could go wrong with that! I like India's take:

The Keynesian prescription for recession obliges the government to play the role of the big spender by financing large public projects whose only job it is to generate employment, which in turn, fingers crossed, will stimulate demand and help restart the stalled economic merry-go-round. The classic example of such intervention is paying a hundred workers to dig a hole and then paying another hundred workers to fill up the hole.

Ah, the classic Keyensian nightmare that prolonged the depression in the 1930s and made it "Great!"

Posted 1/31/2009 05:39:00 PM by Douglas

Apparently you only have to pay your bills when it's warm.

Hours earlier, the Amarillo family's electricity was shut off for nonpayment. So when the single mother of four young children scraped together enough money last week to get her power turned back on, she waited 24 hours for Xcel Energy to arrive.

"(When a utility worker didn't arrive) I went out and turned it on myself, and I know I shouldn't have done that," Patterson said. "It was cold and I didn't have anywhere to go. I understand it's partly my fault, but I don't see why the kids have to suffer. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I can't leave the kids in the cold. I did what any mom would do."

It's sad that anyone can't provide for their family, but I don't see how this is the power company's fault.

Posted 1/31/2009 05:25:00 PM by Douglas

Since Bush 43, like all presidents, is so obsessed with his legacy, I hope this gets moved to the town square in Crawford:

The director of an Iraqi orphanage says a sculpture honoring an Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at former President George W. Bush has been removed.

Fatin al-Nassiri says Iraqi police told her the statue had to be removed from the orphanage in Tikrit because government property should not be used for something with a political bias.

She says the sofa-sized statue of a shoe was taken down on Saturday after being unveiled on Thursday.

Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi threw his shoes during a Dec. 14 news conference in Baghdad. Throwing shoes at someone is a sign of extreme contempt in Arab culture.

Ha!

Posted 1/31/2009 05:12:00 PM by Douglas

It's official: the apostrophe is dead in England's English.

On the streets of Birmingham, the queen's English is now the queens English.

England's second-largest city has decided to drop apostrophes from all its street signs, saying they're confusing and old-fashioned.

Ha! "Old-fashioned" Grammar is, like, "old-fashioned", and stuff. Without an apostrophe, its going to be difficult it's meaning.

Posted 1/31/2009 05:03:00 PM by Douglas

If you can get through junior high, this might be kinda cool.

A Daly City couple is beaming after becoming the proud parents of a healthy but incredibly rare baby boy this month.

Baby Kamani Hubbard has six-fully formed and functional fingers and toes on his hands and feet. It's called “polydactyly” -- extra digits -- not an uncommon genetic trait, but Bay Area doctors say they've never seen a case so remarkable.

The first thing I thought of: this. I love it when life imitates SNL.

Posted 1/30/2009 05:54:00 PM by Douglas

Turns out, this recession is a real bitch.

HOUSTON – Exxon Mobil Corp. on Friday reported a profit of $45.2 billion for 2008, breaking its own record for a U.S. company, even as its fourth-quarter earnings fell 33 percent from a year ago.

The previous record for annual profit was $40.6 billion, which the world's largest publicly traded oil company set in 2007.

The extraordinary full-year profit wasn't a surprise given crude's triple-digit price for much of 2008, peaking near an unheard of $150 a barrel in July. Since then, however, prices have fallen roughly 70 percent amid a deepening global economic crisis.

Only 45 Billion? They may have to start shoppin' at Payless.

Posted 1/30/2009 05:50:00 PM by Douglas

Am I the only one that doesn't want to see the words "Korea" and cloned dog in the same sentence?

A South Korean biotech company claimed Thursday to have cloned dogs using a stem cell technology for the first time in the world. Seoul-based RNL Bio said it created two black puppies this week using stem cells from fat tissue of a female beagle, in cooperation with a team of Seoul National University scientists who created the world's first cloned canine — Snuppy — in 2005.

Snuppy. I guess that's better than "StirFry."

Posted 1/29/2009 05:44:00 PM by Douglas

An even scarier picture of the economy. The best part:

9. How large is the M1 money multiplier and what is its recent behavior?

The M1 money supply is currently less than the monetary base. M1, which is primarily currency plus demand deposits, is $1,602 billion. The multiplier is about 0.9 as of 1/14/09.

The M1 multiplier has been about 1.6 in recent years. The drop to 0.9 has occurred starting in late September of 2008. It is due to the greater rise in the monetary base than M1. M1 has risen from $1,392 billion in early September to $1,602 billion at present, or at an annualized rate of about 36 percent a year. The monetary base has risen from $870 billion to $1,774 billion. The annualized rate is about 249 percent.

It's official. There's no money left. Anywhere. Man, that was fun!

Posted 1/29/2009 05:31:00 PM by Douglas

An interesting summary of the economic debacle, but I don't like the use of the word "perfect" in the headline.

"As long as everyone was paying their mortgage, that was fine," said Ali Velshi, CNN's chief business correspondent. "[But] we didn't take into account with these mortgages that people might lose their jobs, the interest rate might go up and the housing prices may go down.

"Guess what? All three happened."

Wow, what luck! I don't like the last sentence, either:

"It was a perfect storm," Velshi said. "It was a lack of regulation, it was greed and creativity in the financial industry, and it was an American dream that got off track."

How could it possibly be lack of regulation? Every aspect of the American economy is ruled by an iron fist by the Fed. Everything that happens, from you writing a check to a bazillion dollar deal on Wall Street, has the tacit approval from those that rule our money. Regulation is one of the prime causes of all this crap.

Posted 1/29/2009 04:57:00 PM by Douglas

Why would anyone in their right mind even consider ranking all 185 Beatles songs, in order? So someone can read the list and say that there's no way that #70 I've Just Seen a Face is better than #126 Michelle? Of course it is, then watch the web traffic stack up!

Posted 1/29/2009 04:51:00 PM by Douglas

This are tough all over, aren't they girls? This just breaks my heart!

They shared their sad stories the other night at an informal gathering of Dating a Banker Anonymous, a support group founded in November to help women cope with the inevitable relationship fallout from, say, the collapse of Lehman Brothers or the Dow’s shedding 777 points in a single day, as it did on Sept. 29.

In addition to meeting once or twice weekly for brunch or drinks at a bar or restaurant, the group has a blog, billed as “free from the scrutiny of feminists,” that invites women to join “if your monthly Bergdorf’s allowance has been halved and bottle service has all but disappeared from your life.”

Theirs is not the typical 12-step program.

Step 1: Slip into a dress and heels. Step 2: Sip a cocktail and wait your turn to talk. Step 3: Pour your heart out. Repeat as needed.

This is precisely the reason there's a small sliver of my soul that wants to see the economy completely collapse. If for nothing else than that when it happens, these wastes of flesh will be the first to be killed and eaten.

Posted 1/28/2009 07:00:00 PM by Douglas

Guess who's coming to dinner? Christmas dinner, actually:

I like possums because they're too stupid to know to be afraid. I hope they don't decide to run for office.

Posted 1/28/2009 06:47:00 PM by Douglas

Could I get a side of bacon with this?

This recipe is the Bacon Explosion, modestly called by its inventors “the BBQ Sausage Recipe of all Recipes.” The instructions for constructing this massive torpedo-shaped amalgamation of two pounds of bacon woven through and around two pounds of sausage and slathered in barbecue sauce first appeared last month on the Web site of a team of Kansas City competition barbecuers. They say a diverse collection of well over 16,000 Web sites have linked to the recipe, celebrating, or sometimes scolding, its excessiveness. A fresh audience could be ready to discover it on Super Bowl Sunday.

Does "Super Bowl Sunday" mean you're going to be sitting on the crapper all weekend? Also, if you ever find yourself "weaving bacon," you're in need of an intervention.

Posted 1/28/2009 06:47:00 PM by Douglas

When the nation's largest exporter of manufactured goods makes an announcement like this it's time to pay attention to the economy.

Facing weaker air traffic and pressure on military budgets, Boeing Co. announced plans to cut 10,000 jobs after reporting a surprise fourth-quarter loss Wednesday.

Well maybe not. This same day, they gave 114,000 employees six days of extra pay as a bonus for 2008. Make sense?

Posted 1/28/2009 06:42:00 PM by Douglas

Still paying on that mortgage? Boy are you stupid.

he new relief plan would apply to the billions of dollars of mortgage assets the Fed is holding on its books because of last year's bailouts of Bear Stearns and insurer American International Group. Borrowers have no way of knowing whether their mortgages are held by the Fed, because their loan payments are collected by other companies, known as loan servicers

I don't like my rate, principle or length of my loan. Can I get a new one? That seems fair.

Posted 1/28/2009 06:40:00 PM by Douglas

Grade inflation continues in Virginia, unabated.

At most schools in the U.S., a score of 90 earns you an A, but in Fairfax County, getting the goods demands a full 94. Merely passing is tougher too, requiring a 64 rather than a 60. Nor do students get much help clearing those high bars if they take tougher courses. Compared with how many districts weight GPAs for Advanced Placement or International Baccalaureate courses, Fairfax County's half-point boost is peanuts. The result, protesters say, is that Fairfax kids are at a disadvantage on multiple fronts: snagging good-driver insurance discounts (which often factor in a student's GPA), earning NCAA eligibility, winning merit scholarships and - oh yeah - getting into good colleges.

Ah, the lengths parents will go to prove that every child is below average, except theirs.

Posted 1/28/2009 06:30:00 PM by Douglas

The United State Postal Services creeps ever further towards irrelevancy.

Massive deficits could force the post office to cut out one day of mail delivery, the postmaster general told Congress on Wednesday, in asking lawmakers to lift the requirement that the agency deliver mail six days a week.

If the change happens, that doesn't necessarily mean an end to Saturday mail delivery. Previous post office studies have looked at the possibility of skipping some other day when mail flow is light, such as Tuesday.

Can they skip the day they bring me all my fucking bills? I'd vote for that one! It gets better:

"A revolution in the way people communicate has structurally changed the way America uses the mail," with a shift from first-class letters to the Internet for personal communications, billings, payments, statements and business correspondence.

And why was that? So less people are using your services, and even though you're charging us more and more for it, you're still not breaking even. Yet you continue to give discounts to those douchebags that flood my mailbox six days a week (for now) with crap that goes right into the trash? You should be required to bring my mail seven days a week 'till ValuPak pays their share of the haul.

The Post Office is one of the libertarians favourite target. Is there a better example of government waste? Is there any office, beside the DMV (another popular libertarian fodder topic), that you waste more of your life dealing with people that don't give a shit if you've been standing in line for 45 minutes? I can't think of any, but maybe it's there's no other line you have to wait through because it's a government monopoly.

FedEx and UPS are ready to pick up the slack when you're ready to officially admit your obsolescence.

Posted 1/28/2009 06:10:00 PM by Douglas

Congressman Peter King show's he committed to introducing legislation aimed at getting our troubled country back on track. Making it mandatory for your camera to make a clicking noise.

Face to face with the worst economic crisis to face the nation in decades, our leaders are hard at work trying to come to America's aid. The latest legislative salvo? A bill that would require cameraphones to make a sound "audible within a reasonable radius of the phone whenever a photograph is taken with the camera in such phone."

The bill, called the Camera Phone Predator Alert Act, is the brainchild of New York's Peter King, and it's a response to the continued popularity of voyeuristic photos snapped on the sly by those darn kids. King specifically cites adolescents being spied upon "in dressing rooms and public places" in the draft of the bill.

Sweet Sassy Molassey. They really are this stupid. I'm sure this one's for the children as evidenced by its title, but give me a break. If they introduced a bill to throw kittens in a woodchipper, it'd be called Protecting our Children from Cat Scratch Fever or something equally as stupid.

Posted 1/27/2009 05:45:00 PM by Douglas

This is what some people think about the manned spaceflight program. Stupid people:

Which, of course, we do. The shuttle’s last flight is scheduled for 2010. (This flight could be the last night launch in the program’s history.) Two new rockets, the Ares I and the Ares V, are in development, set to fly to the station in 2015, and later to the moon, and finally to Mars. But those plans were made by a different administration in a different time. Now the scope and scale of life felt more limited. Back on the bus, there were fears expressed that Americans risked becoming strangers to weightlessness — that for the first time in our nation’s history, we might be so overwhelmed by our earthbound concerns that we’d forget to fight gravity. Space demands sack. In a country that couldn’t figure out how to mortgage a suburban family home, Mars suddenly seemed a long way off.

I'm glad the manned spaceflight program is getting good press, no matter where it comes from, but these guys need to stick to taking pictures of boobs and writing stories about cigars.

Posted 1/27/2009 05:40:00 PM by Douglas

Here's a response to Miles O'Brien's column from the other day. Sounds like this guy thinks Miles drank the Kool-Aide:

Apollo was not about the Moon, or even about space. It took place in space and ultimately, on the Moon. But Apollo was a battle in the Cold War. John Kennedy did not say, “Go to the Moon and press onwards to the planets.” He challenged America to show the superiority of its economic and political system by landing a man on the Moon and returning him to Earth “before this decade is out.” The key objective was not going to the Moon – it was to beat the Soviets to the Moon. This objective was attained with profound consequences, critical to our Cold War victory to a degree still not fully appreciated.

Most space program observers acknowledge this distinction, but they have only accepted it intellectually, not emotionally.

Well, is it? It was a lot more photogenic on the front page to beat the Soviets on the Moon than with 1,000 megatons of fusion, but to say that's the only reason Apollo went to the moon is pretty dishonest. It's obviously not the reason NASA continued.

Posted 1/27/2009 05:27:00 PM by Douglas

Ok, I'll just get out and say it: The chick in the Progressive commercials is hot.

She's bubbly and beaming, high-volume, with a flip of dark hair and a face like a lollipop. She irks as she endears, bemuses as she bewitches. She's a bundle of energetic contradictions, bursting here, retracting there. Her expressions blink and change like a neon sign. Her eyes are popping globes. And she just sold you a bunch of car insurance.

Unlike the scantily clad doxies on most commercials, Flo brings it.

Posted 1/26/2009 07:33:00 PM by Douglas

Chinese New Year already. I've been writing rat on my checks all day long.

Posted 1/26/2009 07:32:00 PM by Douglas

Glen Beck takes himself a little too seriously now and wants to forget his days as Clydie Clyde on Houston's KBRE:

While Beck espouses an affinity for what he views as the Texas mindset, he has unhappy memories of his stint in Houston at KRBE when it was known as Power 104. He worked morning drive at the station , doing the voiceover for a character he called “Clydie Clyde.”

“It was the worst time in my broadcasting career, and I wish people would stop bringing it up,” he said. “It’s the most embarrassing thing I ever did on radio. If I could make everybody forget about my time in Houston, it would be good.

Wha wha wha. Everyone starts out somewhere, Gleny Glen. But it's what got his act together that I find amusing.

Beck said he rebuilt his life through Alcoholics Anonymous, a remarriage and membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. His career blossomed, too, when he launched a talk show in Tampa, Fla., in 2000.

A new god, a new pussy, and AA is all it takes to pull yourself together?

Posted 1/25/2009 03:50:00 PM by Douglas

I received The University of Texas version of Monopoly for Christmas last year and I just now got around to wondering how they laid Austin around the original game board. I didn't make it too far past "Go" before my delicate Longhorn sensibilities were offended. Look what took the place of Baltic Avenue:

What the hell? Jester is the Baltic Avenue of the Texasopoly world? Of all the festering shit-holes in Austin, Jester is the second crappiest piece of property in Texasopoly? What about this virgin vault, or this monument to daddy's money? There was always more vomit and urine in a Dobie elevator on a Saturday morning than at Jester.

I suppose it upsets me when people pick on Jester because it holds a dear place in my heart. I suppose moving into a dorm with the same population as the entire county where I grew up, it was a bit of culture shock to see that everyone you met was trying to get drunk/laid, too. I just don't know why it gets such a bad rap. Look what got the Baltic Avenue spot on the Simpson's Monopoly version:

Cletus' shack? Come on, Jester is a lot better than Cletus's shack. It's gotta be at least worth as much as Barney's Bowl-A-Rama.

Posted 1/25/2009 02:33:00 PM by Douglas

I wonder if there was a big "X" in the sand where he dug this up.

Stories of buried chests full of treasure on Galveston Island are legendary, but Hurricane Ike recovery worker Michael Pate really found one.

Only it was in an old U.S. Army ammo box and not a treasure chest, and the owner isn’t a pirate but appears to be a Galveston man serving time in state jail for intoxication assault.

Pate, 43, of Atlanta, found the box crammed with jewelry, cash and keepsakes while clearing debris at Galveston Island State Park.

So was it buried on the beach at a state park, or did it wash up? It's not clear, but pretty cool that a guy that just wanted an ammo box didn't keep the treasures.

He was operating a rubber-tired Bobcat, scraping debris at the park on Jan. 7 when he saw a big snake slither out of a pile of debris. Right beside where the snake had been was an olive-green ammo box.

“I thought, man, I’d like to have that for myself,” Pate said, so he picked up the box.

And inside?

A pair of diamond rings, bracelets, a $50 Confederate bill from 1863 and several silver certificate $1, $2 and $5 bills with consecutive serial numbers were in the box. There was a football card picturing 1950s Hall of Famer Art Donovan and a Model A radiator cap with a thermometer built into it.

“It was so crammed full of stuff that you have to put it back just right or it won’t all fit,” Pate said.

There were also more personal items in the box, including military medals that seem to be from both World War II and Vietnam, along with dog tags from the same era. Pate found what looked like family photos and a wallet that included the driver’s license and Social Security card for a man named John Sidwell.

So who is he going to give the box back to? The owner is in jail, so who are you going to give it to?

Pate said the person reporting to have Sidwell’s power of attorney has said he wants to get the box and its contents.

Wait 'till he gets out of jail, and give it back to him.

Posted 1/24/2009 01:53:00 PM by Douglas

Wanna go to Mars, via the Moon? Why are you the only one? Am I the only one?

Truth is, we have done nothing to equal (much less top) the accomplishments of Apollo. And even worse, we haven't tried. We did something truly great, but then walked away from it. We had lightning in a bottle — and we opened the lid.

Our country has been pulling the rug out from under NASA ever since Apollo. Really, the agency is running on fumes from rocket fuel that was purchased (on a credit card no doubt) in 1961.

Why did we allow it to slip through our fingers? Sometimes I get the feeling we are the only nation that just doesn't get it,because we are either cocky or stupid or distracted — or all of the above.

It's all, Miles.

Maybe that will awaken our creative, competitive instincts again, or are we too busy "Dancing with the Stars" to make the effort to aim for them? There is no doubt our nation, as we know it, will not thrive — or even survive — if we don't wake up. This is a big problem for our country— bigger and deeper than our little club of loyal space cadets.

Sadly, I think this is what's going to doom the whole agency. No one cares. No one cares if we go back to the moon, no one cares if India is next. We've become such a panem et circenses culture that no one has the intestinal fortitude to make the commitment, stick to it, and do what's needed. And you've got management that still adheres to this philosophy:

Von Braun once said: "Crash programs fail because they are based on theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month."

As is oft quoted, the problems we have now with the manned spaceflight program aren't going to be solved by those that created them.

Posted 1/24/2009 01:34:00 PM by Douglas

Well, she already had one foot in the grave.

Brazilian model Mariana Bridi da Costa, whose hands and feet were amputated in a bid to save her from a deadly and little-known illness, died early Saturday, two friends of the model told CNN.

Ok, maybe two.

Posted 1/24/2009 12:46:00 PM by Douglas

As previously stated, not just anyone could pull off that hat. Here's someone else not pulling it off:

Stick to dancing, Ellen.

Posted 1/24/2009 12:41:00 PM by Douglas

Genius:



Separated at birth? He definitely approves.

Posted 1/24/2009 12:37:00 PM by Douglas

This is still not news: Women don't want to work any more than men do.

Women do not really want careers. “Ask a group of mothers if they would continue to work full-time if they didn’t have to and the answer will overwhelmingly come back ‘No!’” she writes. In her universe, women prefer to “devote hours to planning a pumpkin patch excursion or to scrapbooking our most recent family vacation.”

Opting out of work in a two-income world, though, requires financial sacrifice. So wouldn’t it be better to help your husband make a lot of money instead? That way, you can quit but not have to budget “all the niceties out of life.” Sure, women these days often have professional degrees and professional skills, but a smart woman doesn’t let this reality tie her to the workforce. Instead, a good wife uses “all the wonderful talent, intelligence, and skill she possesses to help her husband get ahead.”

I don't understand why the feminazis take so much umbrage with this notion that people, both men and women, would rather be taking care of their families than riding a timeclock downtown.

Labels: working women

Posted 1/24/2009 12:23:00 PM by Douglas

Mr. Hefner's contribution to American culture in the last half of the 20th century: 600+ nekid women to chronicle our post-war metamorphosis to accepting sex in public discourse. Then of course, there's the plastic surgery that came along and ruined it all.

In those days Hefner liked his centerfolds "round, soft, and with a maximum emphasis on the beauty of being female." The Playmates of the first three decades follow this formula, flashing biteable bottoms and breasts. Things go downhill in the 1980s as breast implants became popular: the new boobs are globe-like and tactile only in the way that bowling balls are tactile. Some of them cast a glare, like cartoon balloons. Food metaphors no longer apply.

Something else (related) happens around this time: Playboy ceases to be about the erotic everyday encounter. Flesh and blood women turn to images; the "girl next door" becomes distinctly mediated. The bunnies were always mediated, of course, but something about the earlier photographs made you forget the medium and feel as though you were staring straight into the eyes of a luscious partner. Enthusiastic photoshopping has aided the transformation. Gone are the freckles and downy arm hairs of the predecessors. Breasts are surgically standardized; gym routines and spray tans produce identically toned and tinted bodies. Girls of all ethnicities blend together into one latte-colored woman, and the result looks computer-generated. When you try to imagine how the models might feel and smell, things like rubber come to mind.

The centerfolds from the 60s and 70s are much more interesting, for that very reason.

Posted 1/22/2009 06:26:00 PM by Douglas

I really don't want to like Obamba. But this gives me promise that I haven't seen in my lifetime.

The mere fact that you have the legal power to keep something secret does not mean you should use it. The Freedom of Information Act is perhaps the most powerful instrument we have for making our government honest and transparent and holding it accountable. I expect my administration not only to live up to the letter but the spirit of this law.

Big words for your first week. Let's hope you remember it. And remember who elected you, and why.

Posted 1/22/2009 05:34:00 PM by Douglas

Here's an example of why the obituaries in the Telegraph are freakin' gold. Meet Sir Dai Llewellyn:

Good-looking in his youth, with dark Welsh curls, his success with women was famous. He claimed, in his heyday, to be in the habit of going through Queen Charlotte’s Balls “like a dose of salts”. He insisted, though, that he “never got up in the morning and thought, 'I’m going to screw three girls today’.” But: “If it happened, it happened.”

His seduction methods were direct and somewhat lacking in refinement: “I am not one of these oily Italian method-pullers,” he said. “Thirty years, and I still can’t undo a bra. The only trick is that I do not waver. I know what I want and so do they.”

Sounds like a blast, doesn't it? But how did this chap entertain himself during the daylight?

Quite what Llewellyn did by way of a career was never entirely clear.

Boy, that sounds a whole lot better than working your whole life like a stooge. But what does a playboy like this have to say about his first time?

He made up for lost time when he went to study Philosophy at the University of Aix-en-Provence. There he lost his virginity to an older, American woman “who smelt so disgusting that it put me off doing it again for several months”.

Ewww! Americans are stinky!

This sums it up pretty good:

He never grew up. On a visit to South Africa aged 60, he claimed to have fallen through a bedroom floor into a cellar while “attempting to roger a girl called Nettie”, the girlfriend of a friend. “I wish I could tell you this was an isolated incident,” he told a journalist.

This about this when your alarm goes off in the morning.

Labels: Telegraph Obits

Posted 1/21/2009 05:14:00 PM by Douglas

Apparently, if you're the Chief Justice, you get a do-over.

President Obama retook his oath of office Wednesday after Chief Justice John Roberts flubbed while delivering it at Tuesday's inauguration.

The do-over was aimed at dispelling any confusion that might arise from Tuesday's take -- in which "faithfully" was said out of sequence -- and erase any question that Obama is legally the president.

You're not startin' out good there, Barry. Don't you have real work to do?

Posted 1/20/2009 07:43:00 PM by Douglas

In 2012, I'm voting for Aretha Franklin's hat. Not too many people could wear that hand and pull it off, but Aretha wears that hat:

That's is just awesome!

Posted 1/20/2009 07:36:00 PM by Douglas

So it's the big day, and you haven't been Chief Justice for that long. All you really have to do is stay cool and say these 35 words, in order, as directed by Article II, Section 1, Clause 8:

I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."

But you blew it, Chief Justice:

Posted 1/20/2009 07:24:00 PM by Douglas

Interesting, even if embarrassingly biased summary of Bush 43 and this so-called legacy he suddenly seems so worried about. The keeper:

The Iraq war was a case study of what happens when politicisation is mixed with incompetence. A long-standing convention holds that politics stops at the ocean’s edge. But Mr Bush and his inner circle labelled the Democrats “Defeaticrats” whenever they were reluctant to support extending the war from Afghanistan to Iraq. They manipulated intelligence to demonstrate that Saddam Hussein possessed weapons of mass destruction and had close relations with al-Qaeda. This not only divided a country that had been brought together by September 11th; it also undermined popular support for what Mr Bush regarded as the central theme of his presidency, the war on terror.

I don't doubt he's going to get blamed for a lot of things that may not be directly his fault, but he's not going to get credit for anything that wasn't either. But I think this notion is just laughable.

"The most important job I have had -- and the most important job the next president is going to have -- is to protect the American people from another attack," Bush said.

There also wasn't a horde of rabid, three-legged rhinoceroses attacking an orphanage. So he's got that going for him.

Posted 1/18/2009 12:47:00 PM by Douglas

This sounds too good to be true. The state refunding money just because it was taken illegally? Who'd a thunk it.

More than 14,000 recipients of red light camera citations in Minneapolis, Minnesota will soon receive a refund. The city this week began mailing notices informing those ticketed that they will be sent a refund check unless they choose to opt out of a class action settlement. US District Court Judge Michael J. Davis has set a February 27 date for a hearing to approve the final repayment details.

The problems for Minneapolis began in 2005 when the city decided to issue red light camera tickets without the sanction of state lawmakers. By April 2007 the Minnesota Supreme Court had ruled that the use of automating ticketing machines violated state law and deprived motorists of due process. The city was forced to end its program for good, but it had no intention of returning the $2.6 million collected from the program.

I'm sure they'll figure out they need to do so the cameras can come back. It's not like a state to turn away a cash cow of this magnitude, no matter how specious it's "safety" argument is.

Labels: red light cameras

Posted 1/16/2009 07:18:00 PM by Douglas

My bad joke from yesterday not withstanding, this guy is a stone-cold bad-ass:

Mr. Kurner says when he heard it was Capt. Sullenberger who was flying the plane that landed safely in the Hudson, he wasn't at all surprised. "He held his cool. 'Where am I going to go? City? City? River.'"

What an incredible story of a pilot, crew, and 155 people keeping their cool. But I'm thinkin' Sulley has to buy specially fitted flight suits. Something to accommodate his gynormous balls.

Posted 1/16/2009 07:12:00 PM by Douglas

It's the Night of January 16^th. Plan accordingly.

Posted 1/15/2009 09:43:00 PM by Douglas

An Airbus crashes into the Hudson:

A US Airways pilot reported a "double bird strike" less than a minute after takeoff Thursday and was headed for an emergency landing in New Jersey when he ditched into the Hudson River, an air controllers union spokesman said.

Wanted for questioning: [clicky picture]

Posted 1/14/2009 08:21:00 PM by Douglas

The latest addition to power my house: A Stirling engine running off a cup of hot water and an ice cube:



It's not a miracle, it's thermodynamics!

Posted 1/14/2009 05:16:00 PM by Douglas

This story should remind sleepwalkers to lock their doors.

The cold claimed a victim in Sawyer County, where a 51-year-old sleepwalker died from exposure after wandering from his rural Hayward home early Tuesday.

Timothy Brueggeman was found about 190 yards from his house, said Tim Zeigle, chief deputy of the Sawyer County Sheriff's Department. His son, who reported him missing late Tuesday morning, said the man was prone to sleepwalking.

Deputies followed tracks of his bare feet in the snow to find him.

Wow.

Posted 1/14/2009 05:11:00 PM by Douglas

Unintended consequences of messing with the ecosystem.

It seemed like a good idea at the time: Remove all the feral cats from a famous Australian island to save the native seabirds.

But the decision to eradicate the felines from Macquarie island allowed the rabbit population to explode and, in turn, destroy much of its fragile vegetation that birds depend on for cover, researchers said Tuesday.

Can we train the birds to eat the rabbits?

Posted 1/14/2009 05:07:00 PM by Douglas

I wonder if he's going to be buried in rich Corinthian leather?

Ricardo Montalban, the Mexican-born actor who became a star in splashy MGM musicals and later as the wish-fulfilling Mr. Roarke in TV's "Fantasy Island," died Wednesday morning at his home, a city councilman said. He was 88. Montalban's death was announced at a city council meeting by president Eric Garcetti, who represents the district where the actor lived. Garcetti did not give a cause of death.

Have fun at the Fantasy Island, vato.

Posted 1/11/2009 05:03:00 PM by Douglas

Once and for all, Pluto is NOT a planet. It never should have been a planet, so spare me the weepy-eyed fourth-grade science teacher that has to explain why her book is wrong. It was never right.

There’s an appeal to that argument. Most people would probably regard something intrinsically planet-y about Earth and think it odd that it would not be regarded as a planet if it were stuck out by Pluto (since it probably would not clear out all the debris out there).

Now that's just stupid. It's not that it's so far away from the sun that makes it a non-planet. Its size (it's smaller than Jupiter's four biggest moons) and its orbit looks like the path of a drunken frat boy on his way home from the bar compared to the other eight "real" planets (why do you have to get closer to the sun than Neptune for some of your orbit, huh, Pluto? And why is your orbit plane tilted 27º from the plane of the ecliptic, where the other, "real" planets like to orbit?)

There's just not a compelling case to include the Pluto/Charon system in with the other eight planets. Face it, the Solar System is an Oxygen atom, not fluorine. Can't the scientific do-gooders sleep better with the notion of our celestial existence riding around on a life-sustaining Oxygen atom, as opposed to corrosive and toxic fluorine atom?

Labels: Pluto

Posted 1/11/2009 04:10:00 PM by Douglas

RIP Harry Kinnard, a true American Badass:

Lt. Gen. Harry W. O. Kinnard, who inspired the storied retort “nuts” to a German surrender ultimatum during the Battle of the Bulge, died Monday in Arlington, Va. He was 93.

But he was perhaps best remembered for what happened in December 1944 at the Belgian town of Bastogne, where the 101st Airborne Division, short on clothing and boots in a snowstorm and bitter cold, was surrounded by German troops.

Bastogne, at the intersection of important roads, was a crucial objective for the Germans in their surprise attack in the Ardennes region of Belgium, an offensive that had created a “bulge” in Allied lines.

On Dec. 22, two German officers approached the American lines in Bastogne carrying a demand that the American commander surrender his troops within two hours or face annihilation from an artillery barrage.

The message was passed on to Brig. Gen. Anthony C. McAuliffe, acting as division commander while Maj. Gen. Maxwell D. Taylor was in Washington.

General Kinnard, a lieutenant colonel at the time and the division’s operations officer, would recall that General McAuliffe “laughed and said: ‘Us surrender? Aw, nuts.’ ”

That's gotta be a hard story to live down. Ever.

General McAuliffe became famed for the “nuts” reply, but sometimes grew weary of hearing the story retold. On one occasion, he thought he had a respite.

“One evening a dear old Southern lady invited me to dinner,” he recalled. “I had a delightful time talking to her and her charming guests. I was pleased because no mention was made the entire evening of the ‘nuts’ incident. As I prepared to depart and thanked my hostess for an enjoyable evening, she replied, ‘Thank you and good night, General McNut.’ ”

Posted 1/11/2009 01:53:00 PM by Douglas

This pirate met up with a couple of ninjas.

The body of a Somali pirate who drowned just after receiving a huge ransom washed onshore with $153,000 in cash, a resident said Sunday, as the spokesman for another group of pirates promised to soon free a Ukrainian arms ship.

Five pirates drowned Friday when their small boat capsized after they received a reported $3 million ransom for releasing a Saudi oil tanker. Local resident Omar Abdi Hassan said one of the bodies had been found on a beach near the coastal town of Haradhere and relatives were searching for the other four.

Why haven't these fools been sunk yet?

Posted 1/11/2009 01:46:00 PM by Douglas

It's a good thing we get cuter. If we stayed like this our momma's would have probably left us at the bus stop.

Posted 1/11/2009 01:41:00 PM by Douglas

I wish I had something profound at this point, as this is my 4,000^th post. 60,000 hits. That's about it. I think I'm going to go fishing.

Labels: pointless milestone

Posted 1/11/2009 01:33:00 PM by Douglas

I love Amazon.com's product reviews. This book review changed my life! I saw the light and stopped pooping in mailboxes.

Posted 1/09/2009 06:46:00 PM by Douglas

Another couple of drug busts on I-40. Not surprising, but I'm keeping tabs now. These weren't really remarkable.

Two traffic infractions led to confiscation of 211 pounds of marijuana by troopers with the Texas Department of Public Safety.

Two stops, 211 pounds. What's the big deal?

Troopers stopped a Chrysler passenger car on a failure to indicate a lane change on Interstate 40 near Groom.

When was the last time you were on a rural interstate, miles from anywhere, and you got pulled over for "failure to indicate lane change?" This is absurd. Not that the brain-washed soldiers in the moronic drug war would ever make up a reasons to perform a search. That only happens in Russia, right?

Labels: I-40 Drug Bust

Posted 1/08/2009 10:24:00 PM by Douglas

Suck it, Oakies.

Tim Tebow gave Florida the jolt it needed, and the Gators toughed out a second BCS title in three years.

Their 24-14 win over No. 2 Oklahoma in a choppy, sloppy affair Thursday night made them a national champion. But it likely did little to quiet fans of Southern California, Utah and Texas, all of whom already claimed the top spot.

Good for Florida. What was the other team to beat Oklahoma this year? I forget.

Posted 1/08/2009 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

Blogaholics, listen up. Or more accurately, shut up.

DO ANY OF THESE SYMPTOMS FIT YOU?

• Blogaholism. Do you plot out your day so that it will generate as many blog postings as possible?

If so, you’re almost certainly suffering from from[sic] one of the great underdiagnosed ailments of our time. That’s right, you may well have ... Unblocked Writer Syndrome.

Funny stuff, and of course, I had to post it. Read it, bloggers, and remember no one cares about your cat or potato soup recopies.

Posted 1/07/2009 05:10:00 PM by Douglas

Did you get really sick over Christmas? This could be why.

An outbreak of salmonella food poisoning has made 388 people sick across 42 states, sending 18 percent of them to the hospital, U.S. health officials said on Wednesday.

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is trying to trace the source of the outbreak, which began in September. The Department of Agriculture, state health officials and the Food and Drug Administration are also involved.

The CDC said poultry, cheese and eggs are the most common source of this particular strain, known as Salmonella typhimurium.

Merry Christmas!!! Shitter's Full!!!!

Posted 1/07/2009 05:05:00 PM by Douglas

"The football team is doing good: Can we cut class on Friday?" That didn't work in High School, and it won't work in Congress, either.

Thursday's championship football game between No. 2 Florida and No. 1 Oklahoma is obviously a big game, but big enough to shut down Congress?

Rep. Cliff Stearns hopes so.

Stearns, a Republican from Ocala, wrote to U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Tuesday asking her to move votes scheduled for Thursday evening and Friday so House members from Florida and Oklahoma can go to the Bowl Championship Series national title game.

Good luck with that. Why not make the National Championship a National Holiday? At least play it on a Friday/Saturday. Idiots.

Posted 1/05/2009 10:15:00 PM by Douglas

Horns.

Left out of the national title game, Colt McCoy and Texas made the most of their trip to the Fiesta Bowl.

McCoy hit Quan Cosby for a 26-yard touchdown with 16 seconds to play, lifting the third-ranked Longhorns to a 24-21 victory over No. 10 Ohio State on Monday night. The dramatic strike capped an 11-play, 78-yard drive that took only 1:42.

"It doesn't feel any better than to come from behind and win," Texas coach Mack Brown said. "It was just a classic, really, between Texas and Ohio State, the way it should be."

Talk to Utah about getting robbed, but since the Horns beat the team playing in the national championship game, I'm going to keep the anti-BCS whine up. At least 'till 2014 when its contract expires.

Posted 1/05/2009 06:42:00 PM by Douglas

I've never been one to jump on 'bleeding edge' technology, especially when it comes to a media format, but I'm not going to cry when Blu-ray finally eat is.

One reason is that discs of all kinds may become obsolete as a new wave of digital media services starts to flow into the living room. On Monday, for example, the Korean television maker LG Electronics plans to announce a new line of high-definition televisions that connect directly to the Internet with no set-top box required. The televisions will be able to play movies and television shows from online video-on-demand services, including Netflix.

“The Blu-ray format is in jeopardy simply because the advent of downloadable HD movies is so close,” said Roger L. Kay, president of Endpoint Technologies Associates. a research and consulting company. “Streaming video from the Internet and other means of direct digital delivery are going to put optical formats out of business entirely over the next few years.”

Streaming video from your wireless router isn't a thing of the future, and I just got half a terabyte hard drive for under $60. The shiny disks with the holes in the middle are numbered.

Posted 1/05/2009 06:31:00 PM by Douglas

It's only legal when we do it.

Posted 1/05/2009 05:37:00 PM by Douglas

Everything is just a few hundred clicks away!


Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

I don't know where this veneration comes from, but Mac needs to hang on to it. Reminds me of this goodness I posted before. It's funny because it's true. But I suppose I'm not supposed to make fun of Jobs and his little toys because he's in the advanced stages of non-gayness I mean a hormone imbalance. Whatever. I'm sure it's the kind of imbalance that only 20% of the population "get" and can only be treated by someone in the Bay Area with a patchy goatee.

Labels: Mac

Posted 1/04/2009 04:19:00 PM by Douglas

As I noted before, I think that straight party voting is absurd, so I'd welcome any effort to get rid of it. Of course, someone is going to politicize it.

A San Antonio state senator wants to revive efforts to eliminate the straight-ticket voting option, even after Texans hit a 10-year high in the percentage of ballots sticking entirely with one party.

Republican Sen. Jeff Wentworth plans a second run at deleting the straight-ticket option during the legislative session that starts Jan. 13. His repeal proposal didn’t advance in 2007.

“Both political parties need to stop being quite so partisan,” Wentworth said in Sunday’s editions of the Austin American-Statesman.

How could anyone checking one box for the whole ballot be informed about all the candidates they're voting for? Get rid of it.

Posted 1/03/2009 04:35:00 PM by Douglas

Looking over at Wikiality and laughing my ass off. I think the "typical day" in Oklahoma is pretty damn close to being correct.

Posted 1/03/2009 03:57:00 PM by Douglas

Not realizing that a fuel tax is a usage tax, Oregon, or should I say, Idaho's Portugal has a great idea to penalize its citizens for buying more fuel efficient cars.

Oregon is among a growing number of states exploring ways to tax drivers based on the number of miles they drive instead of how much gas they use, even going so far as to install GPS monitoring devices in 300 vehicles. The idea first emerged nearly 10 years ago as Oregon lawmakers worried that fuel-efficient cars such as gas-electric hybrids could pose a threat to road upkeep, which is paid for largely with gasoline taxes.

I don't even think the pot-smoking owl-huggers in Oregon would fall for the GPS tracking of all their road usage.

Posted 1/03/2009 03:23:00 PM by Douglas

I can cut the guy some slack for these Bushisims. If I had an army of reporters following me around recording everything I said, I'd sound like a bonehead some most of the time, too. But sweet sassy molassy, he sounds like a moronathon.

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." — Aug. 5, 2004, at the signing ceremony for a defense spending bill.

"Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." — Sept. 6, 2004, at a rally in Poplar Bluff, Mo.

But this one made me laugh out loud:

"The fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place." — May 27, 2008, in Mesa, Ariz.

It sure does, George. Can we give you back to Connecticut yet?

Posted 1/02/2009 12:11:00 PM by Douglas

The New York Times weighs in on the Constellation Program and what a fuster cluck it is.

While some involved in developing the rockets have read volumes into the questions, a spokesman for the transition team, Nick Shapiro, said that “the role of the agency review teams is not to make recommendations on any of the issues they are reviewing. They are fact-finding and preparing the full range of options for consideration by the incoming appointees.”

Nonetheless, tensions have increased between the incoming administration and the management of NASA, whose administrator, Michael D. Griffin, is fighting to keep the program on course. If he is not reappointed by Mr. Obama, his term will end Jan. 20.

Barry seems interested in keeping the moon shot alive. He just needs to find a way to a)publicly justify it and b)find some leadership that can get it done.

Posted 1/02/2009 12:06:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like Barry is coming out in favor of NASA's new lunar program, but this article is unclear how he's going to do it.

President-elect Barack Obama will probably tear down long-standing barriers between the U.S.’s civilian and military space programs to speed up a mission to the moon amid the prospect of a new space race with China.

Obama’s transition team is considering a collaboration between the Defense Department and the National Aeronautics and Space Administration because military rockets may be cheaper and ready sooner than the space agency’s planned launch vehicle, which isn’t slated to fly until 2015, according to people who’ve discussed the idea with the Obama team.

News flash. A Delta/Atlas rocket is available, right now, to just about anyone that can pay for it. Making it a stable platform to stick a couple of breathing humans on top is not a trivial task. And the DoD wants to be separate from NASA for a reason. They get more money to play with their space toys, and that's the way they likes it.

Posted 1/01/2009 05:39:00 PM by Douglas

Get a hanky ready. I know I cried me a river reading about how Señor Alberto "hook the jumper cables to your balls" Gonzales is being SOOOOOOO mistreated after he was shamed into resigning. The unmitigated gall of these people is unbelievable.

"What is it that I did that is so fundamentally wrong, that deserves this kind of response to my service?" he said during an interview Tuesday, offering his most extensive comments since leaving government.

During a lunch meeting two blocks from the White House, where he served under his longtime friend, President George W. Bush, Mr. Gonzales said that "for some reason, I am portrayed as the one who is evil in formulating policies that people disagree with. I consider myself a casualty, one of the many casualties of the war on terror."

Mr. Gonzales, 53 years old, doesn't have a publisher for his book. He said he is writing it if only "for my sons, so at least they know the story."

The most disturbing part? They probably have somehow convinced themselves that what they're doing isn't totally evil.

Posted 1/01/2009 03:44:00 PM by Douglas

Baby born on trans-Atlantic flight, becomes property of NorthWest Airlines.

Phil Orlandella, a spokesman for Logan International Airport, says a woman went into labor and gave birth to an apparently healthy baby girl over the Atlantic Ocean on Wednesday during the eight-hour flight from Amsterdam.

Orlandella said a doctor and a paramedic who were on the flight assisted in the birth. He said the plane landed without incident about 10:30 a.m., and the mother and baby were immediately taken to Massachusetts General Hospital.

Orlandella said he did not know the nationality of the mother, but said for customs' purposes the baby was considered a Canadian citizen because she was born over Canada's airspace.

Ok, NorthWest will relinquish its claim on the child, but only if the mother agrees to pay the $15 fee for the additional carry on item. Or in this case, the carry off.

Posted 1/01/2009 03:06:00 PM by Douglas

What the hell is going on with the dope runner on I-40?

A vehicle that was pulled over for speeding near Conway led to the discovery of 10 pounds of marijuana.

Valued at $35,000, the marijuana was found in a hidden compartment in the rear of the car.

10 pounds is hardly worth mentioning, but considering how many traffic stops result in HUGE ammounts of weed, either every other car that changes lanes without using its signal is a dope mule, or the cops know something they don't want the rest of us to know. There's just no way they're that lucky. Here's the last month:

• 12/23, 607 pounds
• 12/19, 400 pounds
• 12/13, 2.85 pounds coke

No one's that lucky.

Labels: I-40 Drug Bust

Posted 1/01/2009 02:43:00 PM by Douglas

So, what did you do for New Year's Eve? Not much, just prayed and protested outside a swingers club.

About two dozen protesters organized by Repent Amarillo spent New Year's Eve carrying signs, singing and praying outside a business in downtown Amarillo that they claim is a swinger's club.

A party organizer with the Route 66 Swingers Club, who declined to be identified, said the gathering at 413 S.W. Sixth Ave. was simply a New Year's Eve party. There wasn't going to be any sex at the party, she said.

Repent Amarillo's director David Grisham said his group objects to the nonmonogamous lifestyle. Grisham said he's never been in the building on Sixth Avenue but has heard stories about what goes on in there.

Geez, how sad. You want to get together for a beer or two and maybe trade a poke with your golf buddy's old lady, who the hell cares? I doubt these people are going to see the error of their lifestyle decision because Ned Flanders showed up with a sign. The money quote:

"We're here to shine the light on this darkness," he said. "I don't think Amarillo knew about this place. This adultery. This is wrong. There's no telling how many venereal diseases get spread, how many abortions."

Yeah, that's exactly what they're getting together for: VD and abortions. Probably drown a few puppies while they're there.

Posted 1/01/2009 02:28:00 PM by Douglas

Happy New Year, chumps. Here's to hoping 2009 is better than aught eight. Now, my favourite New Year's Eve story, year after year. Man wounded by celebratory gunfire.

A bullet fired into the air to celebrate the New Year plummeted back to earth and hit a Santa Ana man in his ankle just after midnight Thursday, police said.

California? We had to go all the way to California for the "hit by celebratory gunfire" story?

You're really letting me down, San Antonio.

---

Update: Thanks, Houston, you rarely fail to dissapoint.

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Another Update: Turns out Alabama got in on some of the action, too. And with 257 police reports of gunfire, Ft. Worth really gave it a good effort. Maybe next year, Ft. Worth.