Posted 12/31/2003 03:27:00 PM by Douglas

The blog and I will be celebrating the new year this evening by consuming enough ethanol to kill a pony and staring into our own ruined future. So in other words, it's Wednesday.

Have a great time, and see you next year!

Posted 12/31/2003 03:22:00 PM by Douglas

Here's a perfect example why you should get out every once in a while and interact with other bipedal hominids. I'm pretty sure that storing 114 dead cats in your freezer would have come up a time or two during a friendly bridge game.

Through the 1990s, the Davises' collection of cats would alienate longtime friends . . .

Really? I can't imagine why. . .

Posted 12/31/2003 03:17:00 PM by Douglas

Things to do before getting on the plane to come back to Houston. Get your plane ticket, pack your suitcase, and oh yeah, try to make sure you have some idea where you've packed your husband's 9mm pistol. What a moron. And check out the picture. 27 year old woman, or 15 year old boy? Too close to call.

Posted 12/31/2003 03:12:00 PM by Douglas

Every wonder what "Auld Lang Syne" is about? Me too, and now we know;

So there you have it. "Auld Lang Syne" is about drinking, friendship, and looking back at times gone by. And more drinking.

Of course!

Posted 12/30/2003 11:46:00 PM by Douglas

It's good to see the security of this nation is focusing on things that pose a legitimate threat to the innocent: Mall Walkers.

Janet Cesaril, marketing director for The Mall at Short Hills, attributed the decision to the heightened Orange Alert and noted that the walkers are a diverse group, including not just seniors but young mothers and others.

That's right, Janet. It's not just the elderly that want to blow up the mall. It's young mothers, too.

Posted 12/30/2003 02:06:00 AM by Douglas

Just what The Empire needs: a bunch of troops that not only don't want to be there, but they're pissed off as well.

To the Pentagon, stop-loss orders are a finger in the dike -- a tool to halt the hemorrhage of personnel, and maximize cohesion and experience, for units in the field in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere. Through a series of stop-loss orders, the Army alone has blocked the possible retirements and departures of more than 40,000 soldiers, about 16,000 of them National Guard and reserve members who were eligible to leave the service this year. Hundreds more in the Air Force, Navy and Marines were briefly blocked from retiring or departing the military at some point this year.

Keeping people from leaving the voluntary military when they voluntarily want to. Well, that sounds like. . .who are we fighting again?

Posted 12/30/2003 01:15:00 AM by Douglas

The Fed, in all it's infinite wisdom, has set aside $37.4 Billion for "Homeland Security," and the best they can come up with is Almanac? Is this country so paranoid of pissing off special interest groups by "profiling" that they're now looking at our reading list? What's next? Mandatory jail time for anyone with a Thesaurus?

Posted 12/30/2003 12:44:00 AM by Douglas

The death of the pocketknife isn't totally unnoticed. I can't argue with this one:

A man who did not carry a knife was a lesser man by most standards.

Well, duh. I was once told by a guy at Johnson Space Center that "there are four things a man should never be without: His wallet, a pen, a handkerchief, and a knife." I think that's about right, except for the snot rag. That's just gross.

Posted 12/29/2003 02:39:00 PM by Douglas

The 10 dumbest quotes of the year.

Posted 12/29/2003 02:18:00 PM by Douglas

Before you throw your pregnant wife a baby shower, you should probably confirm her pregnancy. And before you believe she had a miscarriage, you should probably be sure she didn't murder a 21 year old pregnant woman and cut open her belly to steal the fetus and leave her body to rot in the woods.

Don't ya just love these Christmas stories?

Another link from The Altus Times.

Posted 12/28/2003 11:30:00 PM by Douglas

What'd you do for Christmas? Oh, not much, just went down to the beach, pinned a dead bird's carcass inside two concentric circles with lines drawn in the sand from the center pointing directly north, south, east and west. What'd you do?

Posted 12/28/2003 11:24:00 PM by Douglas

For anyone that wanted a payphone and wanted to blow $135, here's your website. I'd actually like to have one, but I think stealing one from a phone booth (if you can find one) is a lot less painful than $135.

Posted 12/21/2003 01:24:00 PM by Douglas

I don't know who Brian Ross is, and this sort of thing can get real tedious real quick, but I couldn't resist an excerpt from this:

In the cafeteria just after lunch, (well, not *just* after, more like *during* lunch, about 12:28; say 12:30, give or take a few minutes), I leaned back in my chair (it was one of those aluminum chairs, good strength-to-weight, like titanium but not quite; but then of course titanium would be a bit of an overkill). Anyway, I heard one of the girls talking about how boring she thought engineers could be.

Alan Denney

A bit too true to be funny.

Posted 12/21/2003 02:49:00 AM by Douglas

What a load of crap. This is what happens when Enron accounting finds its way into the world of thermodynamics. Obviously you can look at a small enough time frame where "useless" energy isn't created. But the tiny time step doesn't make it any more "useful."

If they build a perpetual motion machine, I'll be the first in line to buy one. I just doubt the laws of physics are going to be repealed any time soon.

Posted 12/20/2003 02:17:00 AM by Douglas

The story from Libya has many interesting facets. First off, why in the hell is Gadhafi just a Colonel? You'd think if you were a dictator of a country, you'd at least make yourself a General or something. . .

Also, are we to believe that he's dismantling his programs of WMD just because Saddam was caught in a "spider hole" earlier this week? Didn't we bomb the crap out of him back in '86? Isn't that what resulted the bombing of PanAm 103? Why is the United States the only country that can bomb other people without consequence? I also find this very odd:

Libya's nuclear effort was more advanced than previously thought, the official said. U.S. and British experts inspected components of a centrifuge program to enrich the uranium, though the system was not operational, the official said, briefing reporters at the White House on condition of anonymity.

So there are still Americans fighting and dying in Iraq looking for WMD (with no success), yet here's Libya who hasn't been on the Pentagon threat board since the Reagan administration and they're suddenly giving up stuff they already had cooking? Why is that?

Posted 12/20/2003 01:15:00 AM by Douglas

Ah, the obligatory Christmas lights. I guess everyone in my neighborhood read this and are trying to out do each other with their cheap, imported, Chinese lights. Either that, or they saw this and thought it was an instructional, "how-to" video.

But the big picture? Somewhere in this concept, when you consider paying someone else to hang your Christmas lights:

We mourn the loss of manufacturing jobs-"real jobs"-and ignore growing aesthetic professions, from installing holiday lights and landscaping lawns to giving manicures and facials, from designing brochures to crafting granite countertops.

Uh, I don't want to put too fine a point on this, because if I was going to rant about this country's loss of industrial prowess, I wouldn't start with paying someone else to hang your Christmas lights. It's just a symptom, not a cause. But this is a nice yardstick:

You can buy a 100-light string, nearly 50 feet long, for $2.44 at Wal-Mart.

I saw a sign at Walgreen's for 2 100-light strands for $3.99. How in the hell can anyone make them that cheap? Even in China? But here is where she falls off the deep end:

Just as surely as the horsepower of a car engine or the warmth of a blanket, the pleasure of twinkling Christmas lights offers real value.

Real value? From a flashing light? Surely we're not all that stupid yet, are we?

Is it important that you have a job? Is it important that your neighbor has one, too? Sure it is. They can't hang cheap, imported Christmas lights all year round.

Posted 12/19/2003 07:34:00 PM by Douglas

Don't kid yourself. Given the chance, your cat would eat you and everyone you care about. Something tells me that this woman didn't just have one cat. I can't beat the Fark tag on this story:

"Help. I've fallen and I can't get up. And my cats are eating me"

Posted 12/19/2003 07:27:00 PM by Douglas

I can't believe this happened in 1983 and we're just now hearing about it. I poached this picture from CNN last spring, and I'm quite amazed it's still there, but with all the new Rumsfeld/Hussein stuff surfacing, they may try to get some more mileage out of it. (It's much better than the one on the Washington Post's site.)

Here's the angle that I can't imagine isn't getting more attention:

Privately, however, the administrations of Reagan and George H.W. Bush sold military goods to Iraq, including poisonous chemicals and deadly biological agents, worked to stop the flow of weapons to Iran, and undertook discreet diplomatic initiatives, such as the two Rumsfeld trips to Baghdad, to improve relations with Hussein.

Didn't you kinda wonder why Rummy, Bush, and even Powell were just flat out convinced that Saddam had WMD? Well here's why: We freakin' sold it to him! All they had to do is check the receipt, and wait for the check to clear. But it's statements like this one that really makes me want to puke:

"Iraqi officials have professed to be at a loss to explain our actions as measured against our stated objectives," he wrote.

Yeah, I guess the highly nuanced "wink, wink" was lost in the translation.

"Don't use the chemical weapons {wink, wink} against Iran.

Posted 12/18/2003 09:06:00 PM by Douglas

Anyone who ever wanted to know what Santa's workshop looks like, it goes something like this. Imagine 10,000 bicycles in the AstroHall. Pretty much looks like a sweatshop.

Posted 12/17/2003 08:57:00 PM by Douglas

I guess it's not so easy, after all, is it, smartass?

"Well, if this were easy, I guess everyone would do it"

Maybe not, but there would certainly be a lot fewer stupid people around.

Posted 12/17/2003 08:45:00 PM by Douglas

Belligerent or not, sometimes you just get a Big Macâ„¢ attack.

Especially when you've been drinking all night at a titty bar.

Posted 12/17/2003 08:26:00 PM by Douglas

An interesting take on the Fed and their control of our money. Did they change the $20 bill to combat counterfeiting, or to force the $620 Billion in U.S. currency currently being hoarded in the black market back into circulation? Maybe a little bit of both, although I can't imagine that that much currency wouldn't have some impact on inflation. Or maybe I'm the only one that doesn't keep $2,200 in cash on hand.

If this is an attempt of the Bush Administration to "spur the economy," look for a new bill every other week

Posted 12/16/2003 10:06:00 PM by Douglas

It's such a confusing time to be alive. It's good to know that the nice folks over at National Review not only have it all figured out, but also have such an insight to God's true intentions:

For now, let’s say that while the President’s opponents have made much sport of the idea that God called George Bush to the presidency, it’s becoming increasingy difficult to doubt that God wants President Bush re-elected.

What mortal could possibly argue with that divine providence?

Posted 12/16/2003 09:57:00 PM by Douglas

Hey, nice cock:

Posted 12/16/2003 05:49:00 PM by Douglas

Speaking of my cube, I think if I got one of these, maybe LE-26, LE-30, or maybe even LE-29, and propped it up in my cube, no one would notice that I wasn't there.

Posted 12/16/2003 05:36:00 PM by Douglas

I need one of these for my cube.

Posted 12/16/2003 05:27:00 PM by Douglas

I think there are better ways of criticizing America's nuclear policy than throwing paint on vintage aircraft. And the B-29 is a Boeing product, not Martin.

Posted 12/16/2003 05:24:00 PM by Douglas

This guy needs to find some better drinking buddies:

One witness told sheriff's officers that Hernandez shot Arrieta and the gun then was passed to other partygoers. Altogether, the witness said, six men fired at Arrieta.

You know you've pissed off your buddies when they pass the gun around and all take a shot at you.

Posted 12/15/2003 06:52:00 PM by Douglas

So, no shuttle launches in the next year, according to The Moscow Times. I don't know how realistic it is, but STS-114 is on the books for a September launch. It's going to be a long year at JSC, no matter what.

Posted 12/14/2003 12:58:00 PM by Douglas

Not that this story isn't going to get enough press today (and I haven't even turned on FoxNews yet), I just can't help but point out this angle. I wonder if Sadam and Donald are going to chat about the good old days.

Posted 12/13/2003 05:21:00 PM by Douglas

On to Syria! Since we didn't find any links between Iraq and Al Queda (I mean before we ousted Sadam), maybe there are some people in this country that think we should take a little harder look at Syria's "alleged ties to terrorism," but President Bush isn't one of them. Gas up the bombers.

Posted 12/13/2003 05:05:00 PM by Douglas

What an unfortunate headline: "Dave Doing Oprah." Are they referring to her show? I sure hope not.

Posted 12/13/2003 05:02:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like Willy finally found freedom. Your cat wants steak.

Posted 12/13/2003 04:57:00 PM by Douglas

The return of the drinking song? For some of the purists I know, they never left.

There are numerous theories as to why this resurgence is afoot. "We ran out of cheating songs," Crenshaw quips, adding that the "next hot trend is songs about mama, of course."

Keep on the lookout for train songs, pain songs, and blue eyes cryin' in the rain songs.

I was drunk, the day my momma got out of prison. . .

Posted 12/12/2003 05:48:00 PM by Douglas

So the Texas Department of Criminal Justice, which is considered by some to be a contradiction of terms, thinks that listing the contents of executed inmates' last meals is in poor taste, and has yanked them from their website. Smell that? That's irony.

The State decided that voluntarily (and some would say recklessly) taking a human life is OK, and here's a list of all 313 of them and what they did to get there (odd how many of them murdered someone for less than $500. Something to think about). But somehow listing what they wanted for their last meal is "in poor taste?" That's just too ironic to be funny.

There's many angles to the question of capital punishment, so why the hell is TDCJ drawing the line on whether or not Leroy got cheese on his burger before they stuck a needle in his arm?

Posted 12/12/2003 05:35:00 PM by Douglas

Here's for killing yourself with a bit of creativity. I mean, if it was a suicide. I'm sure that's just what the Warren Commission would want us to believe. . .

Posted 12/12/2003 04:32:00 PM by Douglas

That's what you call your basic mad cow!{snarf snarf} This is why I think that "cow tipping" is an urban legend. No one mentions what she does when she gets back up, madder'n a wet hen.

Posted 12/11/2003 09:17:00 PM by Douglas

The war on common sense takes a major cease-fire in Bossier, LA, with this week's assault on zero-tolerance drug laws in school (thanks to Mr. Seabrook north of the creek for this one). As Joe Bob said, ""Zero tolerance" is the solution for people too lazy or stupid to FIGURE IT OUT. "

But it's not the only one. You've got this case of the kid with the asthma inhaler, or better yet, you've got this one, with the kid and the folding pocket knife.

But back to the latest round of lunacy. Did the school have to expel her? No. They retain the right to ignore this totally moronic rule, just not the ability:

But another school official said earlier Thursday that having medication on campus doesn't automatically lead to a one-year expulsion. "After an investigation and a hearing then, if necessary, punishment is administered. It could be no punishment," said Betty McCauley, Bossier schools student services director.

Gee, I can't imagine how a student going to a school like this would have frequent headaches. Could it be from dealing with idiots like Ms. McCauley all the live long day?

In all fairness, it's good that this little problem was nipped in the bud. It's a proven fact that Advil is just a gateway drug for black tar heroin.

Posted 12/11/2003 07:16:00 PM by Douglas

Here's a shocker: Men don't want to work in mind-numbing jobs any more than women do.

Most surprising to me, is that most of the women, including many Ivy League graduates, either don’t want an income-earning job or will only work part-time in an unusually pleasant job.

Pardon me while I snicker about your Ph.D. under my breath, but I think this is only "surprising" to you. Work sucks, buddy, and it didn't take the power of the feminist movement for humanity to realize this. If there is someone else in the house that's going to support you in the lifestyle to which you've become accustom, regardless of their genitalia, more power to you: catch up on your soaps and shut the hell up.

The number of "housewives" is increasing? Well who could have foreseen that? As I said earlier, Nobody wants to work, so why in the hell are the feminists (and now crybaby men) making such a big deal about it?

High floutin' head shrinkin' not withstanding, why do men die before their wives?

Because we want to, dammit.

Labels: working women

Posted 12/11/2003 06:27:00 PM by Douglas

When I saw "Ex-teen beauty queen guilty of public intoxication," I knew it had to be my old bud, Julia Anderson. Turns out, she's in trouble again, and for underage drinking, if you can imagine that.

Why does this make me want to watch Drop Dead Gorgeous for the 12th time?

Posted 12/11/2003 06:12:00 PM by Douglas

"He sees you when you're drinking. He knows when you're .08." Santa better keep his fucking hands off me this holiday season and if he wants any blood, breath, or urine, that fat man better have a warrant.

What the world of drunk driving has been waiting for: A jingle. Of course. Why didn't we think of this before?

On a side note, why is Santa so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

Posted 12/11/2003 06:03:00 PM by Douglas

I sure am glad that both of these asshats are over 18. It sure would be a shame if they didn't get thrown in jail for this asinine behavior just because they're juveniles.

Don't like how CCISD is treating you? A long walk with the lovely Texas Department of Criminal Justice will show you just how bad it really was.

Posted 12/11/2003 05:50:00 PM by Douglas

Men With Tiny Penises Race In Italy. That would have been the headline if I was writing one for this story. An F-1 car and a Eurofighter Typhoon. The results aren't that surprising: the car won the short race of 600 meters (about 650 yards, in good Christian units), but since the plane can only stay on the ground for the first ¼ mile, the car didn't stand a chance. But that's hardly the point. Who the hell cares? Are there really enough fossil fuels in the world for this kind of idiocy?

Posted 12/11/2003 05:39:00 PM by Douglas

Thanks to allmusic.com, I now know who the Kinks are. I knew it would take me all for 4 seconds to find out what their "song" was. And girl, it's really got me going.

Thank god The Beetles knew when to hang it up and call it quits. I can't help but think they would have been churning out dreck all through the 70s.

Posted 12/11/2003 04:54:00 PM by Douglas

Rolling Stone lists the top 500 albums of all time. I don't know anyone that reads this rag, but I thought it was overtaken by 20-somethings with goatees and tortoise shell glasses. It's good to see that there are still enough old timers around the Rolling Stone office that drank enough bong-water in the 60s to float a small watercraft.

OK, I guess they're right on most of these, and I realize it's subjective. But objectively, NO album list would ever put Greenday's Dookie a full 41 spots higher than anything by Patsy Cline. A 45 minute CD of Patsy clearing her throat is easier to listen to than Greenday. Also, why did three Public Enemy albums make the list, but only two by Johnny Cash? The same number of Rage Against the Machine albums, I might add.

Further proof we don't live in a just universe. And who the hell are The Kinks, anyway?

Posted 12/10/2003 10:49:00 PM by Douglas

For anyone with questions about lay, laid, and lied, take the quiz. How anyone learns English is beyond me.

Posted 12/10/2003 10:36:00 PM by Douglas

Here's a good question: Why is Money Stuck to the Wall of the International Space Station? It's got to be a bet. How much vodka could you drink in zero g?

Posted 12/10/2003 10:30:00 PM by Douglas

I look out my office window this afternoon and I see this bad boy, with its T-38 escort, on final at Ellington. I don't know what kind of photo op they're looking for, but I can imagine how that'd freak people out downtown. That thing was going about as slow as a 747 can go.

Update: Here's the story from Chronicle about NASA's photo-op yesterday.

Posted 12/10/2003 07:17:00 AM by Douglas

Rest in Peace, Aunt Florence.We miss you already.

And here's one from Lubbock.

Posted 12/09/2003 11:09:00 PM by Douglas

Sydney is ecologically unsustainable? These folks need to spend a weekend in Vegas and shut the hell up. What do those Aussies want? A better world for their grandchildren? Give it up, kids.

Posted 12/09/2003 10:59:00 PM by Douglas

Park Place casinos are now creating a list of problem gamblers who would be barred for life from all Park Place Entertainment casinos. In future news, Park Place Entertainment casinos are now bankrupt.

Isn't that like telling a smoker he can't buy a pack of smokies, just because he's an addict? I thought that was the point.

Posted 12/09/2003 10:30:00 PM by Douglas

Won't someone please think of the children?!? Clear Creek ISD is after some more of my money, and they're only slightly more convincing this time around. Ok, so they've trimmed $73 Million off the package they offered up this spring that included a $20 Million high school football stadium, but still, I don't think they offer up a persuasive case:

At Clear Creek High School, a 47-year-old campus, the roof of the auditorium is covered with water stains. There’s also no access for handicapped people to an upstairs room where costumes and props are stored, and the district is currently renting a dimmer rack for $1,500 a month because the components of the almost 50-year-old lighting unit died.

“They (students) need to continue productions,” said Fred Niccum, director of public facilities and planning.

I know I'm a dinosaur, but I came from a public school in Texas that was about 60 years old, and we didn't even have A/C. But that's missing the big picture: isn't public education supposed to be about, oh, I don't know education instead of entertainment? I know CCISD needs new schools to mollycoddle the influx of children in the district, but they're just not tugging at my heart strings by appealing to their lack of equipment for extracurricular activities. Especially when you consider we're already paying the maximum amount in school taxes the State of Texas allowes by law.

I can understand money for new schools, but look at some of this other stuff they're asking for:

• Seabrook Intermediate (new band hall)
• Clear Lake Intermediate (new band hall and new choir room)
• Clear Lake High School (new band hall and new field house)
• Clear Creek High School (new band hall and new dance, scene and theater studio)
• Clear Brook High School (new dance studio and new gymnasium)
• New agricultural facility (to serve Clear Brook and Clear Lake high schools)
• Gymnasiums at elementary schools (Armand Bayou, Clear Lake City, Greene, Hall, Landolt, Ross, Whitcomb and White)
• Scoreboards
• Bleachers
• New tennis courts at intermediate schools (12)
• Upgrade athletic facilities (26)
• Outdoor athletic storage buildings (12)

Pardon me if I don't bust out crying. Do the residents of CCISD have a vested interest in seeing that the children of the community receive a perfunctory education? Yes. Do they need $264 Million for lighting equipment in the theater arts department and new band halls and tennis courts? I'm afraid not.

But I'm in the minority on this one. I'll vote yes for this one when they trim it down to an even $150 Million for new schools and land. Either that, or give each voter a line-item veto.

Posted 12/09/2003 05:44:00 PM by Douglas

What a scathing piece about the transition of power at Boeing. I'm sure any company that big is going to have some dirty laundry but this is just kooky:

"Condit had married Jan Condit -- his first cousin -- in the early '90s"

Whaaa? How do you get to be that powerful if Business Week finds out you married your first cousin? Isn't that illegal?

Said one Boeing lawyer to a senior Boeing executive: "We have another Bill Clinton on our hands."

That seems a little odd, don't ya think? Also:

"Condit hosted elaborate parties that often included poetry readings and evenings of Camelot themes, featuring characters from King Arthur."

Uh, does this involve any D&D characters or a 21 sided die?

Here's yet another article about the goings on at Boeing. This one had at least a ray of optimism, and no mention of incest:

To leapfrog Airbus, Boeing needed to roll the dice. Instead, its new culture of soaking the taxpayers for military goodies while playing it safe on the commercial-aircraft front may have cost Boeing its future and blown a hole in the U.S. economy that never will close.

Posted 12/08/2003 05:31:00 PM by Douglas

Attention Deficit Drugs May Have Long-Term, uh, hey look over there! That dog has a puffy tail!

Imagine? Drugs given throughout the childhood has a long-term effect on the brain? Yes; this and many more fact filled headlines in this month's copy of Duh!

Posted 12/08/2003 04:55:00 PM by Douglas

Nothing like a highly trained athlete, at the top of his game, soundly defeating all other challengers in the regional competitions, heading off to Nationals. In case you've never been lucky enough to see a wiener dog race, it's quite hysterical. The dogs pretty much just chase their owners down the track as they run in front of the dogs with squeaky toys.

"I am so excited," she said. "It's going to be such a great experience. Just getting out of town and going to a place like San Diego, all because of your dog. It's not something you'd expect."

Riding the fame and fortune of your dachshund. Yep, I think you could call that "unexpected."

Posted 12/08/2003 04:42:00 PM by Douglas

More on the new monstrosity from Airbus. Japan's two biggest airlines have turned it down.

"The A380 programme can't be judged a success without sales to Japanese airlines. It's still possible Airbus could make a return on the A380 without them, but it makes it extremely difficult."

It sure would break my heart to see a State-supported socialist collaboration like Airbus have to eat the $12 Billion development cost of this behemoth.

Posted 12/08/2003 12:09:00 AM by Douglas

Can you even imagine how long it would take to board a 555-seat plane? Even if they use more than one door, that's going to take forever. And they think that the airports are going to foot the bill for their flying terrorist target? What's wrong with those communists?

How fitting that this is coming up in 2003, the centennial year of heavier than air powered flight. For the last 100 years, aviation has been about higher, faster, farther. Now, with the death of the Concorde, what's Airbus setting their sights for? A giant, uh, bus. In the air.

I guess anyone could have seen that one coming.

Posted 12/07/2003 08:59:00 PM by Douglas

So the Republic of Texas are still at it. Now it looks like they've selected Overton as their capital. It's good to see some people fed up with the Fed to do something about it, and I wish them the best of luck.

I don't know if they remember or not, but a few years ago some states got together and decided that they didn't want to be a part of the United States anymore. It didn't turn out too well for them.

Here's to the triumph of hope over experience.

Posted 12/07/2003 08:58:00 PM by Douglas

As I've already pointed out, it's not safe to be a car-hop at an Amarillo Sonic anymore.

Posted 12/07/2003 08:57:00 PM by Douglas

How are those brilliant pseudo-aggies at West Texas A&M going about protecting the endangered hory toads? By destroying their natural defenses and camouflage with radio transmitters in tiny hand sewn backpacks. I guess it'll be easy to spot the really popular hory toads: They wear their backpacks over one shoulder.

Posted 12/07/2003 08:56:00 PM by Douglas

"Thank you for calling Verizon, how may I provide you with excellent customer service today?" Phone companies to lower rates on internet service?

"The question that remains is, will we have a price war?" Leichtman said. "The challenge is once you start this, it's very hard to extract yourself from it."

If any of these ass-hats did what they said they would, they wouldn't need a price war.

Posted 12/07/2003 08:56:00 PM by Douglas

What the hell? A tropical storm in December? Didn't Odette get the message that hurricane season ends in October?

Posted 12/07/2003 01:53:00 AM by Douglas

You think you're doing OK, you've lived a good life, then all of a sudden, you find yourself stone cold dead. Some years later, you find yourself in heaven, though a process called "proxy baptism."

The question is. . .are you pissed off about it? Can your heirs determine your salvation?

Posted 12/07/2003 01:32:00 AM by Douglas

Cigarette tax to fund our public schools in Texas? Has it really come to this? Looks like it has. Smokers are an easy target, but at least Bill has an eye for things to come:

Bill Orzechowski, an anti-cigarette tax consultant, disputed the efficiency of a cigarette tax to pay for public schools. He argued that revenue would gradually decline as the number of smokers declines, while the "voracious appetite" of education funding increases over time.

Gee, I wonder who Bill works for. . . . Oh wait, here's the big finish:

Orzechowski, whose research was largely funded by the tobacco industry, also cautioned that Texans would go to the Internet or neighboring states for cheaper cigarettes.

Now that's the best program I've ever heard. Sucking off the state taxes of our neighboring states. This plan works well for those of us in Orange, Wellington, and El Paso, but what about those poor unfortunate soles in Brady, Goldwaithe, and Early? There's several hundred miles between you and cheep cigarettes in Oklahoma if you live in Waxahachie.

Posted 12/07/2003 01:17:00 AM by Douglas

I guess I'm going to be the first one to say it, but won't somone please think of the Salt Cedar???

Posted 12/05/2003 01:00:00 AM by Douglas

It's hot, you're pregnant, and you just want some damn mayo on your cheeseburger. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so, because this person got run over for it. But the judge sums it up best:

"I can't imagine or think of anything more ridiculous than this. It all happened over a hamburger," state District Judge Brock Thomas told Nolan. "I sure hope it was worth it, because you'll have 10 years to think about it."

I think the saddest part of this story is overlooked here. A McDondald's manager steps in front of a moving car for the cost of a couple of cheeseburgers? Not that her "chronic digestive problems" or her inability "to fulfill her wifely duties" is any laughing matter, but think about the dollar amount that would provoke you to step in front of a moving car. Is it more or less than $4?

Posted 12/05/2003 12:06:00 AM by Douglas

You think you're moving in for a little make-up lip-lockin', and you end up losing part of your tongue. That's got to be hard to explain to your mom when you get home from you date. This guy should be glad he only made it to 1st base.

Posted 12/04/2003 11:57:00 PM by Douglas

Are you horribly disappointed with the functionality of your "Big Mouth Billy Bass" you got for Christmas 3 years ago? Apparently, you're not alone. But these plucky young entrepreneurs have decided to do something about it. And you thought Linux was for losers. . .

Posted 12/04/2003 11:22:00 PM by Douglas

Alcohol causes loss of, uh, some kind of tissue loss, but I can't remember what kind. Good thing I don't drink anymore. I don't drink any less, either.

Less than, say, your average touring funk band.

Posted 12/04/2003 11:04:00 PM by Douglas

This came from Fark: Go to Google and type in "miserable failure" (w/quotes) and hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button.

Something we've known in Texas for a long time.

Posted 12/04/2003 07:32:00 AM by Douglas

I really thought that those cattle that escaped the truck wreck yesterday were going to escape to find their freedom. Perhaps in Mexico. How depressing it is to find out that they ended up at the slaughterhouse after all? How sad:

"They're hamburger now."

What's for lunch? And how's this for your average statement made by a police spokesman:

"Cows don't obey hand signals or traffic cones," he said.

But they are delicious. Also, be sure and check here for updated info about the euthanization of the injured cattle. The police only shot the cow after it had been tranquilized by animal control.

Dinner is served.

Posted 12/03/2003 11:03:00 PM by Douglas

Monkeys love Pepsi:

Is that a corn cob, or are you just happy to see me?

OR:

Boy, Britney's really let herself go since the last album. . .

Posted 12/03/2003 10:53:00 PM by Douglas

MADD not doing enough to curb drunk driving? Is this a joke? In Texas, you lose your license for the first two DWI convictions you get, and on the third one, you go to prison. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Straight to prison. And you don't even have to be in an accident. Just driving home after three beers (in an hour) and happen to have a BAL over 0.08%. Where's the justice in that? Now the NHTSA wants to put the onus on doctors to predict when a drunk may decide to drive?

"A doctor's advice is often all you need to catch them early," he said

Or a bartender's. "He ordered a double, lock his ass up!"

Look, if you run over someone in your car, guess what? It's still illegal, drunk or sober. It shouldn't be more illegal just because you've had a beer or seven. That's just one short step away from the thought police saying it's the beer's fault. It's not. You made a bad call, Bubba. And whether you were changing a CD or you were three sheets to the wind, it's still your fault.

How 'bout a little more personal responsibility and a little less governmental intervention?

Posted 12/03/2003 05:13:00 PM by Douglas

Are you tired of your crappy Windows computer crashing every 45 minutes? Well never fear, because MicroSoft hopes to bring such wonderful technology to your car. Actually, this might not be a bad thing. Instead of 100 cars in your way on the road, there will only be 50. The rest will be on the side of the road talking with tech support in Kuala Lumpur. "OK, roll up all the windows on the vehicle, and then try to start it."

Something tells me Apple and Toyota are going to have something worked out very soon. . .

Posted 12/03/2003 04:59:00 PM by Douglas

For once, Wal-Mart does something that doesn't make me want to puke. They've stopped accepting signature required debit payments from MasterCard. It's about damn time, and I hope Wal-Mart has enough pull to see that this doesn't come back.

If you use a debit card as a credit card, the credit card company (MasterCard) gets 3% of the transaction. But if you input a PIN, the bank issuing the card charges between 75¢ and $1.50 for the transaction. For using the same card! So by using a PIN as opposed to a signature, you save the retailer (and ultimately, yourself) some money, and for someone like Wal-Mart, that adds up to Billions a year.

"Wal-Mart has demonstrated that when they get committed to a program like this, they can hold their breath for a long time," he said. "I think it is likely that MasterCard will end up having to give some concessions to make this work."

Too many times this has happened where Wal-Mart has flexed its retail muscle to screw the little guys. It's a good change to see that they're stickin' it to MasterCard, for screwing us all out of our money, while doing almost noting in return.

Posted 12/03/2003 04:47:00 PM by Douglas

Why does your mom always run to the bathroom after she sneezes? Well, that depends. . .

Posted 12/03/2003 04:36:00 PM by Douglas

42 head of cattle, well, 20 anyway, found freedom on their way to the slaughterhouse. Hard to believe the cops had to shoot 5 of them.

Posted 12/01/2003 07:01:00 PM by Douglas

The bottom 25 albums, according to Corporate MoFo. Damn funny, and I don't own a single one.

Posted 12/01/2003 06:58:00 PM by Douglas

From the "what the hell did he just say?" file. Rumsfeld wins the foot in mouth award with this jewel:

"Reports that say something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know," Rumsfeld told a news briefing.

"We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know."

Yeah, what he said.