Posted 1/31/2004 04:32:00 PM by Douglas

Who would have thunk Jon Stewart would have Richard Perle, the Prince of Darkness himself, on The Daily Show. Brian does an excellent job of hitting on the high points where the "smart-alecky leftist G en-Xer" gets the better of him.

At this point, for the first time, I realized that Perle may not be quite as formidable as I thought he was. His famous genius may be as synthetic as Karl Rove?s. Stewart nailed him, luring him to pontificate a mindless "kick-ass" foreign policy, replete with a death penalty analogy as a wink to his at-least-quasi-liberal audience, and Perle didn?t even know it.

Why Perle would go on this program in the first place is totally beyond me. Almost as silly as Janet Reno's Dance Party.

Posted 1/31/2004 04:30:00 PM by Douglas

Let's leave no billionaire behind! Pretty funny, kids.

Posted 1/31/2004 04:05:00 PM by Douglas

I'll take pompous canucks that drove off into a ditch for $400, please Alex.

"Jeopardy!" host Alex Trebek escaped injury when he apparently fell asleep at the wheel of his pickup truck, sideswiped a string of mailboxes and sailed over an embankment into a ditch, authorities said.

Trebek, 63, was driving alone on a rural road Friday and his truck was airborne for about 40 feet, California Highway Patrol Officer Scott Koolman said.

I'm sure his pronunciation was impeccable.

Posted 1/31/2004 03:59:00 PM by Douglas

Let's all give a big three finger salute to the man that invented the three finger salute.

The result was one of the most well-known key combinations around: CtrlAltDelete. It forces obstinate computers to restart when they will no longer follow other commands.

Doesn't MicroSoft refer to the insensate locking-up as a feature? I think so.

Posted 1/29/2004 11:07:00 PM by Douglas

So I'm still a bit wound up about some of the space program's detractors. I expanded on Lilek's take here, but I thought I'd link to the cartoon before it went away:

If you want to criticize NASA till we return to flight, hey, get in line. But I'm sick to death of seeing this crap. Ask the "man on the street" what percentage of the federal budget NASA receives, and you're likely to hear something on the order of 20%. Those shuttles and stations are a whole lot cheaper than people think they are, because NASA's entire budget is about 0.7% of the federal budget (about $15 Billion).

So consider that when you hear about NASA's funding depriving a crippled orphan or a starving senior citizen. The '03 budget for The Department of Health and Human Services was about $491 Billion.

And what do we have to show for that money, so long as we're keeping score???

Posted 1/29/2004 06:28:00 PM by Douglas

Who says there's no money to be made from the new Mars missions. Clearly, those eggheads aren't thinking about marketing:

In a signing ceremony just completed, Mars Board Chairman Frank “Smitty” Mars presented NASA with a check for $450 million, the purchase price of the naming rights to the planet Mars.

“From now on the name of Mars will be Mars®,” said Mr. Mars. “And to help everyone adapt to the name change we’ve hired Saatchi & Saatchi to create a $50 million advertising campaign.”

It was just a matter of time.

Posted 1/29/2004 05:33:00 PM by Douglas

Lost temper volume 2: Ever been stuck on a plane and wanted to get some water to throw on a crying baby? Me neither, but this guy did.

Poor Ronald Duffy. First he couldn't get into Brazil. Now he can't get out.

The 35-year-old Pennsylvania native was barred entry in the South American country after he threw water on a baby whose crying annoyed him on the long flight from Miami, police said on Thursday.

Yeah Ron, that's a bit much. Couldn't he find any milk? And here's the understatement of the year (so far):

"I think I overreacted a little," Duffy told Estado de Sao Paulo newspaper.

Ya think?

Posted 1/29/2004 05:22:00 PM by Douglas

Ever lost your temper during a board (or is it bored?) game with the family? Sure, we've all been there. But did you ever pull a gun on someone during a game of Taboo?

Officers were called to the home Sunday after two men threatened others with guns because they were losing the game, in which one teammate gives clues about certain subject matter, but using certain words is taboo.

One of the people in the apartment told police the men were yelling and cussing and threatened them with handguns.

I checked with the official Milton Bradley rules for Taboo, and the use of a handgun isn't in there anywhere.

Posted 1/29/2004 05:20:00 PM by Douglas

Why in the hell would someone smash up a car and think they were doing anyone any good? Man, these guys are really stupid:

Lindsey Garofano, 18, of Houston and Jarett Barger, 19, of Cypress were arrested Tuesday. Their bail was set at $5,000 each.

Garofano told deputies she particularly resented "arrogant ladies" who drive expensive SUVs instead of buying more economical cars and donating the surplus money to charity.

Isn't that just the cutest thing? I find kids that think socialism is the answer to all the world's problems to be just so damn adorable. I wonder if a few years of labor on the collective would change the outlook of these little brats from the mean streets of Cy-Fair?

Posted 1/29/2004 05:09:00 PM by Douglas

And they say we're backwards in the South. So why is it that people in the Minneapolis Warehouse District can't figure out where they can and can't urinate?

To curb the problem, the DMNA plans to spend $10,000 on a campaign to get bar-goers to use restrooms in the establishments they frequent. So far, they're in the early stages of the campaign and are considering putting the slogan, "Go before you go," on posters and coasters.

"It's a nuisance crime. It's not permitted," Motes said. "And we have bathrooms to take care of these things."

$10,000 to show affluent adults where to go tee-tee. What will they think of next?

The culprits, according to Luther Krueger, a Minneapolis police crime-prevention officer, are mostly men.

Thank God for that! Something about the sight of women squatting over a dumpster peeing in the freezing Minnesota wind I find sort of alarming. Yet oddly intriguing. . .

So please, Minneapolis, "Go before you go!"

Posted 1/29/2004 04:55:00 PM by Douglas

Why do bloggers blog? Why does the wind blow? Why does this blog blow? I can't answer this middle one, but Jack at TPRoS has linked to this guy here who has some thoughts on the first question:

• Bloggers are megalomaniacs:
• Bloggers are narcissistic:
• Bloggers believe, however, in community:
• But above all, bloggers are weird:

I think he's on to something there. . .

Posted 1/29/2004 04:25:00 PM by Douglas

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you responded to one of those "help me move $18 Million out of a Nigerian bank" spam emails? So did I, so, with the help of various "free" email services available, I set up a dummy account and responded. This is what I got:

Dear Mr.Wilson,

Thank you for your reply, i wish to inform you that the consignment is with a security company here in Dubai U.A.E
I wish to inform you that this transaction will involve you coming to Dubai for signing of the release bund.
And as soon as you reply me, to show your intrest i will forward your name to the Security Company, for Chang of Ownership of the Consignment.
Please i will advice you to keep this transaction secret, you are not to discuss it with any person, for security reasons.
As soon as we are through with this transaction, we will then proceed immedatly for the onward investment.

Thanks for your Co-Operations.
Regards.
Ishmel W--.

Who knows what the scam is here, or even if it is a scam, but how many people are going to jump on a plane for the prospects of $900,000? (The original email promised 5% of $18 Mil.)

Also, it's pretty funny that there are so many grammatical errors in the email. Who knows, the person may actually be from a foreign country. Or they could just be an average High School graduate.

The internet has an amazing ability to reach a huge number of people, but I'm astounded to think that they'll find someone that's this gullible.

Posted 1/27/2004 05:10:00 PM by Douglas

And do you, sir take this 15 year-old girl, who is also your cousin, who is also your aunt, to be your lawfully wedded wife? Only in Utah.

Ok, so if your dad's brother decides to marry your mom's mother, their offspring would be your aunt and your cousin. Nothing incestuous about that. It's a bit creepy, but not incest. It's when you decided to marry your aunt/cousin that makes it too weird even for Springer.

Posted 1/26/2004 09:37:00 PM by Douglas

Don't rock the boat if you live in a town called White Settlement:

"This city has 15,000 people, and we don't have one grocery store because they can't sell beer or wine," said Ron White, a member of the Citizens for Progress committee that is running a petition campaign.

I can't believe that no grocery store isn't going to open up there just because they're losing alcohol sales, but with public minded, free-thinkers like this, you can see why no one want to move there:

Down the road in this mostly working-class town, Faith Baptist Fellowship pastor David Dye said, "You can find 800 drunks anywhere. I'm not saying everyone who signed the petition is a drunk. I'm sure some of them think they're doing good for the city."

You've gotta give it to them for standing up for what they believe in, but if they think they're keeping hooch out of the town, they're sorely mistaken. They're surrounded by one of the biggest cities in Texas. If they want to buy a beer from time to time, it's going to take more than the wrath of a Baptist preacher.

Posted 1/25/2004 09:05:00 PM by Douglas

This is funny, and by 'funny,' I mean horrifyingly and ridiculously stupid:

The school honor roll, a time-honored system for rewarding "A" students, has become an apparent source of embarrassment for some underachievers.

As a result, all Nashville schools have stopped posting honor rolls, and some are considering a ban on hanging good work in the hallways — at the advice of school lawyers.

After a few parents complained their children might be ridiculed for not making the list, school-system lawyers warned that state privacy laws forbid releasing academic information, good or bad, without permission.

Some schools since have put a stop to academic pep rallies. Others think they may have to cancel spelling bees. And schools across the state may follow Nashville's lead.

I know this sounds like it came from The Onion, and I wish it had.

Is this what No Child Left Behind means? Are we so obsessed with the cult of self-esteem worship that we can no longer point out who's ahead and who's behind? You can't have a first place without a second place, and if we all tie, then everyone loses.

Posted 1/25/2004 05:17:00 PM by Douglas

A good way to "invite" people to your church, or a good way to get your house burned down:

Each car owner will soon get a postcard in the mail from Norwood's Oakcrest Family Church. On the front will be a color photo of their vehicle in the video store parking lot. On the back will be a note: "Observed you in the neighborhood. Didn't know if you were aware there is a church in the area … please stop by next time. We'd love to have you visit."

Steven Swander, a lawyer for an adult business in the area, calls it intimidation. "To me the question is, are they doing it really to communicate their message, or are they trying to blackmail people, in a way, by embarrassing them?" Swander asked.

I know he's got to go where the sinners are, but this is just nutty. Even if these guys were on the verge of going to church, I don't think they'd go to his church now. How embarrassing.

For everyone involved.

Posted 1/24/2004 11:39:00 PM by Douglas

Is it because the DNC has decided to sink Dean? Is it because there's too many lame photoshopers online? For whatever the reason, I thought this picture was kinda funny:

Posted 1/24/2004 01:52:00 PM by Douglas

I know the tinfoil-hat crowd will cry "big brother" and "invasion of privacy" when they read about a small, rural high school putting in surveillance cameras, but that's not the most upsetting thing about this story.

Camera surveillance systems have helped solve, among other crimes, arson at Galveston's Ball High School and purse theft at Dickinson High School, officials said. The electronic watchdog systems at times help pinpoint the aggressors in hallway fights and prove to parents that the children they believe to be paragons of virtue do indeed misbehave once in a while.

Let's forget for a moment that the $85,000 they're planning to spend on these cameras is more than the most taxpayers in SFISD make in a year. These cameras aren't even intended to protect the children. They're meant to protect the school. A grand "cover your ass" implementation of surveillance. It's not like there's someone monitoring all these cameras real-time and are using them to prevent any malfeasance. It's just going to be used after the fact to identify suspects and to protect the school from further liability.

But on the bright side, the cameras, along with the metal detectors, will prepare the students for their lives after graduation. When they're incarcerated.

Posted 1/24/2004 01:27:00 PM by Douglas

Lord knows there are many more people suffering from alcohol abuse than are aware of it, but this is just plain silly:

A woman who consumes just seven alcoholic drinks a week may be endangering her health.

For a man, the number is higher. He can have 14 drinks a week, but then the danger starts.

Those are just two of the startling facts that the Gallatin Valley Interfaith Association learned this week at a training session on how to identify people struggling with substance abuse.

Right. . .Two drinks a day is "substance abuse?" Now if it were 14 a day then you might want to slow down.

Posted 1/24/2004 01:24:00 PM by Douglas

The streets of Amarillo just aren't safe. At least if you're a Sonic Carhop. Just how much money could you possibly get off a Carhop? This makes the third time in the last three months (11/30 and 12/7).

Posted 1/23/2004 10:35:00 PM by Douglas

Captain Kangaroo, dead at 76. I sure hope Mr. Green Jeans can find some appropriate pants for the funeral.

Posted 1/23/2004 10:27:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like some folks at USA aren't getting that post-Christmas bonus.

"The contract spells out performance bonuses based on safety, cost-effectiveness and other factors. For Oct. 1, 2002, through March 31, 2003, the alliance was eligible for $81.2 million in bonuses. Kostelnik's letter said the alliance will get only $36 million because there were two successful shuttle missions in the same period as the accident. The result is a penalty of $45.2 million."

I'm no accountant, but if it was going to be a "bonus," and then they didn't receive it, it's not really a "penalty," is it?

Also, where is this $45.2 million going to go now? Kegger at Gilruth?

Posted 1/23/2004 10:18:00 PM by Douglas

Here are two phrases you never want to hear mentioned in the same story:

• repaired with tape
• plutonium high explosives

We know that Southerners, specifically Texans, pride themselves with being able to repair almost anything with duct tape and bailin' wire, but what the fuck? This is the kind of thing that should keep you up at night.

"It increased the chance of dropping all or part of the explosive, "And hence increased the potential for a violent reaction."

Let's put this into perspective, shall we? A school bus hitting a gas truck and exploding is a "violent reaction." A plane crashing into a building is a "violent reaction." Detonating a nuclear device is a wee bit more than a "violent reaction," or maybe I'm exaggerating.

This was probably just the explosive part of the weapon (as opposed to the fissionable part) so really, what's the big deal? It would just leave a 30 yard crater radius, as opposed to a 30 mile crater.

What's even more frightening is to consider the Soviet nuke program. They can't even afford good duct tape. . .

Posted 1/23/2004 10:07:00 PM by Douglas

Now here's a judge with some real creative sentencing. Yoga? Man, is there anyway I can just get the jail time?

Also, there was a fight on New Year's Eve about someone's drinking? Surly, this is the first recorded instance of this happening.

Posted 1/22/2004 05:24:00 PM by Douglas

Every boy's dream. Making the news with your fish. 121 pound catfish is pretty damn big. Dinner is served.

What are the odds that they'll fry it?

Posted 1/22/2004 05:06:00 PM by Douglas

I just couldn't let this go:

Top Ten Reasons George W. Bush Wants To Put A Man On Mars:

10. Dick Cheney needs a new undisclosed location
9. It's part of his "No Planet Left Behind" initiative
8. Great deal on the off-season airfare right now at Expedia.com
7. Maybe we'll find some weapons of mass destruction there
6. We've run out of places on Earth to drill for oil
5. Hoping to get Mork's autograph
4. We cannot back down until the people of Mars hold free elections
3. Dude, free Mars bars
2. Why not? It's not like we have an enormous debt or failing economy
1. Pete Rose bet him we wouldn't do it

Posted 1/21/2004 05:06:00 PM by Douglas

Do you like to make fun of George Will? Well this guy does, and apparently he's got plenty of ammo. Who uses the word "hectoring", anyway?

Apparently SNL had his number way back in 1989:

"Like freedom, baseball is that stake where energy and order merge, and all complexity is purified into a simple coherence." Piffle, or not piffle?

That is correct, it's absolute piffle. It's baseball's complexity, not its purity, that instills in us our freedom, and you have $100.

That's just silly.

Posted 1/21/2004 05:00:00 PM by Douglas

There's porn on the Internet now?

What will they think of next?

Google is going to sue them in four, three, two. . .

Posted 1/21/2004 04:44:00 PM by Douglas

I don't know why, but I can't get this quote out of my head today. Maybe it was the State of the Union address that got me thinking about Dr. Evil. For whatever the reason:

Dr. Evil: My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy - the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really.

Posted 1/20/2004 05:34:00 PM by Douglas

What do you do when they just won't leave. I've never heard the term "Boomerang Generation," but I like it. Obviously it's getting to be a big enough problem to warrant its own name.

Posted 1/20/2004 05:18:00 PM by Douglas

League City, under attack by Coyotes. The dogs of League City just aren't safe anymore.

“He was really big and had a large head.”

That's something to look out for.

Posted 1/20/2004 05:03:00 PM by Douglas

Amarillo International Airport gets a new statue:

I like Rick's saying, as quoted by Kent Rominger at the JSC Memorial:

"You know, I feel more now like I did than when I first got here."

Posted 1/20/2004 05:02:00 PM by Douglas

I think everyone needs one of these. Just think how handy this would be on a first date.

Posted 1/20/2004 04:58:00 PM by Douglas

Do government agencies get jealous of each other? Apparently the NOAA does. This is hilarious, but what's funny is that I didn't know it was satire until I got about half way down.

"NASA has it all," said Director Jordan St. John. "The publicity, the budget, the people. I don't know why -- it's not like they're forecasting killer storms or protecting fisheries, stuff that really affects people. But when we say Hurricane Tomas is going to tear up Florida, does the media care? Do they film us clapping obnoxiously with tears in our eyes? I don't think so."

Two days later, St. John was overheard saying, "Wooo! Look at me! I'm a NASA space-fucking-cadet! I'm so happy! So happy! So very very very very shit-my-pants happy!"

Posted 1/20/2004 04:49:00 PM by Douglas

I think anyone that saw a snake in McDonald's would be noticeably alarmed. They might even attempt to flee. But even in the midst of a poisonous reptile, you really have to stay focused. Why risk an injury running from it when you can get bit and sue for the big money? $50,000? I'm sure that might seem like a lot, but I'm sure an actual snake bite would be worth at least a half a mil.

Too bad it didn't bite this pathetic waste of human skin.

Posted 1/20/2004 04:35:00 PM by Douglas

I've found my new job. I think I would make a good superintendent of a school district that has about 30 students. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Posted 1/20/2004 04:32:00 PM by Douglas

This is exactly the reasons that rats shouldn't use cell phones. I mean really, who is going give a service contract to a rat? Oh yeah, Verizon. Part of their "Friends & Vermin" calling plan

And besides, what's the big deal about a little "significant neuronal damage," anyway?

Posted 1/19/2004 05:29:00 PM by Douglas

Lileks, again, defending the space program, with typical Lileksonian zeal:

France isn't going to the moon. What stops them from curing spinal-cord injuries? Germany isn't going to the moon. What stops them from curing spinal-cord injuries? Britain isn't going to the moon. What stops them from curing spinal-cord injuries? And so forth. It's not a zero-sum game; America is not the world. But America is best suited to leave this world for another. If that idea leaves you cold, fine.

Exactly. We don't have to spend money on medical research or any of the other countless things around the planet. But we do, because we're Americans, and despite what some of the tin-foil hat wearing Libertarians think, we have done some good on the planet.

Haven't you ever looked up at the great dark beyond and felt you were being drawn from where you stood, carried into something greater? Every night the sky is an invitation. Who can look up and see nothing but a roof?

Well that's just it, isn't it? The inspiration for mankind to do great things. Do we need to? No, but then again we don't need a new housing development in Philadelphia, or a day-care center in the Bronx, or another $20 Billion this year to stop the flow of illegal drugs into this country that are going to get here no matter how much we spend. Mankind will certainly get along fine without these things, just like we'll get by without a manned space program. But we can do all. And which would you rather see? Your name on a plaque on the Lunar or Martian surface, or on a methadone clinic in New Jersey?

Here's the clincher:

Space is to humans what Beethoven is to dogs. I don't think we have the slightest idea what we don't yet understand.

Damn right!

The beautiful thing about a voyage of discovery is that the voyage may be just as important as the destination. You don't know where you're going until you get there, and sometimes, not even then.

Posted 1/19/2004 05:05:00 PM by Douglas

This was weird six months ago, and it's just getting weirder that it's still unsolved. Four kids getting shot in Clear Lake, and no one saw anything?

Posted 1/19/2004 04:53:00 PM by Douglas

Wal-Mart vs. community, this time, right here in League City

Displeasure began a week ago, when a large sign announcing the future site of a Wal-Mart SuperCenter went up on the corner of the Interstate 45 feeder road and FM 646.

I just don't think I can muster much sympathy for the Smiths' plight. I'm sure anyone that would buy a 3,800 S.F. house at Victory Lakes are the kind of folks that don't want to be bothered with the chattel coming and going from the Wal-Mart, but they really don't have much control with what happens to the real estate outside of their gated community.

Since then, the Smiths have been contemplating moving.

Don't let the city limits hit ya where the good lord split ya.

“We’re not against Wal-Mart,” Richard Smith said. “We’re against a Wal-Mart in a residential area.”

Why don't they say what they really mean: "We're against Wal-Mart clientele in our neighborhood."

Posted 1/19/2004 04:28:00 PM by Douglas

CNN, keeping up with the body count in Iraq. Topped out over 500 this weekend, and that's only Americans.

Not good.

Posted 1/19/2004 04:21:00 PM by Douglas

I think it would be damn near treasonous if you didn't get blasted watching the state of the union address. Plus, who wouldn't like this one:

"Don't mess with Texas!" = Locate the nearest Texan; mess with him/her; then drink

It's time for the "evil-doers" to go head to head with some evil Dewar's.

If you're not drunk by the time of the Democratic response, then the terrorists have already won.

Posted 1/19/2004 04:21:00 PM by Douglas

Just how much money can credit card companies make off stupid people? Turns out, a lot, but this shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone, unless you're a total idiot. That's what they're in business for. To make money off of people who don't know what 'usury' means.

And what "hidden fees" are they talking about? Jacking up your interest rate because you miss a payment isn't really "hidden," is it? I think it's listed in the fine print under "penalty, dumbass."

Posted 1/19/2004 04:18:00 PM by Douglas

It's the year of the monkey. Act accordingly:

I hate Chinese New Year, because I know I'll be writing Ram on all my checks next week.

Posted 1/18/2004 03:14:00 PM by Douglas

Whether it's due to funding, Bush's new moonshot, or keeping the orbiter in the same orbit with the ISS, the death of the Hubble Space Telescope is a sad thing.

The Hubble has revolutionized astronomy. Using images from the craft, scientists have determined the age of the universe, about 13.7 billion years, and discovered that a mysterious energy, called the dark force, is causing all of the objects in the universe to move apart at an accelerating rate. This force is still poorly understood.

Oh well. You win some, you lose some. Maybe the James Webb Space Telescope will be even better.

Posted 1/18/2004 02:47:00 PM by Douglas

CCISD bond elections coming up next week, and the "won't someone please think of the children" crowd is at it again.

“After the bond issue, the district did a survey. The stadium and the warehouse, two major items that contributed to the negative feedback, were removed. We’ve focused on the academics. Some day we’ll have a district stadium.”

Focused on the academics? Take a look at what they're asking for (or look here from the first time I ranted about this)

As a taxpayer that's been totally beat down by the government taking what they want, I'll concede the new schools and the land. More people equals more schools. But what about the other stuff? Dance recital rooms? Band halls? A dozen athletic storage buildings? Give me a freakin' break!

Schools are always going to ask for more money. But to ask the citizens of this area for more than A Quarter Billion Dollars is just absurd.

Posted 1/18/2004 02:31:00 PM by Douglas

Seven State building lessons from a Swede who knows what he's talking about. Also, this comes from the BBC. They know a thing or two about Empire and Nation building, especially in Iraq, since they're the ones that set it up after WWI, anyway.

Building peace is a far more fragile, complex, costly and drawn-out process than fighting a war. So a peace coalition normally needs to be much broader than a war coalition.

The task is state-building - not nation-building.

I guess this is obvious, but someone needs to say it: Peace is more difficult than war, and "regime change" isn't as simple as removing Saddam and restoring the power grid.

Posted 1/18/2004 02:23:00 PM by Douglas

Ah, duct tape. Is there anything it can't do? The people in Avon, Ohio don't think so. They've determined that Father's Day weekend is the perfect time to hold the first annual duct tape festival.

"Hey, we're the duct tape capital of the U.S.," said Avon Mayor Jim Smith.

I guess someone had to be, right? It's good to see the festival focus on the near infinite applications of the stuff:

Details for the Duct Tape Dad of the Year contest are still being tweaked, said Amato, whose company hosts a duct tape prom outfit contest in which contestants vie for scholarships.

"Duct tape is offbeat, quirky," Amato admitted. Callers to the company's 800 line provide testimony to unusual duct tape applications. Among them: mending a pet turtle's broken shell, lashing oneself high in a tree to avoid dangerous animals and whipping up a quick rose for a sweetie on Valentine's Day.

Did I read that right? "Duct tape prom outfit contest?" Man, that alone has to be worth the price of admission. . .

Posted 1/17/2004 12:21:00 AM by Douglas

I for one, am personally glad that Bush (43) threw down the gauntlet to go back to the moon. It's about time. I'm tired of all the naysayers of my generation that think the whole thing was faked. In fact, here's a whole movie chock full of scientific inconsistencies that say it was all a fake.

And if you're looking for a point by point counter-argument of something that was on FOX, go here to learn just what an ignorant ass you are for ever questioning NASA.

Posted 1/16/2004 11:36:00 PM by Douglas

Who in their right mind would question the space program, with a proclamation like this from Long John Silver's.

Posted 1/15/2004 10:58:00 PM by Douglas

I've been staying away from this topic, for obvious reasons, but there are a couple of points about Bush's Space initiative from yesterday that I can't let go. So let's get going:

Yet the human thirst for knowledge ultimately cannot be satisfied by even the most vivid pictures, or the most detailed measurements. We need to see and examine and touch for ourselves.

Is he addressing NASA, or the Greater San Fernando Valley Porn Grower's Association? Granted, that may say more about where my mind is than his intentions, but I don't think it's a stretch.

We may discover resources on the moon or Mars that will boggle the imagination, that will test our limits to dream.

Hey, he might even find those pesky WMD that he's been looking so hard for.

Also, where the heck did the term "spacial entrepreneurs" come from? Doesn't that sound like some kind of interior decorator or something?

What kind of idiot would refer to an astronaut as a "spacial entrepreneur?" That's like a lame joke P.C. term they'd make up on Mad T.V. . . .

Posted 1/15/2004 05:28:00 PM by Douglas

Lileks has an interesting take on yesterday's announcement about the Space Program:

But we know how it’ll go. We know that awe and wonder will quickly give way to japes and boredom. Year One: everyone’s riveted to webcam streams from Moon Alpha. Year Two: a UPN sitcom about life on a moon base draws more viewers. Year Three: New York Times Sunday Mag runs a story about how we’re really not learning very much on the moon, and the entire program is driven by NASA cliques who zealously guard their power against the anti-moonbase forces who want to shut the program down. That’s a given. If there had been TV reporters and satellite uplinks on Columbus’ voyage, most of the coverage would have dealt with scurvy and the lack of an exit strategy.

It's good to see that he's so typically Lileks after such a scathing piece about his own opinions on his own personal site. After reading that, I just felt sorry for Dennis Perrin. That's all. Just pity.

Posted 1/15/2004 05:21:00 PM by Douglas

Now for a sign that wasn't dumb, but it was ignored.

Posted 1/15/2004 05:19:00 PM by Douglas

Stupid stick figure warning signs, from the Computer Science Department at UT. Some of these are pretty dumb.

Posted 1/15/2004 05:13:00 PM by Douglas

Dang I need one of these! To think of all that time I've wasted peeling my own eggs. . . .

Posted 1/15/2004 05:06:00 PM by Douglas

Incredible history of the lobotomy. This article is unbelievable. 60 years ago people were hammering ice picks into people's brains in the name of science.

Posted 1/15/2004 04:59:00 PM by Douglas

Posted 1/14/2004 06:58:00 PM by Douglas

God Bless the first amendment. Here in America, we can write all the books about beating women we want.

Posted 1/14/2004 06:54:00 PM by Douglas

I like The Daily Show as much as the next guy, but saying "Jon Stewart may as well be Walter Cronkite" may be a bit much. It's a shame that no one knows what satire is anymore.

Posted 1/14/2004 06:54:00 PM by Douglas

A teacher flips out and punches a kid in the face. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that he probably deserved it. A long time ago.

Posted 1/14/2004 06:52:00 PM by Douglas

If you're pointing out significant things that show up in your cat's fur, you should probably stop listening to all the voices in your head before they really get you in trouble.

Hey, maybe that's how you can tell they were chasing the cat. If the cat was walking towards them, all they'd see was an "E."

Posted 1/13/2004 05:23:00 PM by Douglas

I don't really know why, but I really like this website. What is it about Pizza Huts? I can think of a many stores that "used to be" Pizza Huts.

Look for my name among the contributors. Coming Summer, '04!

Posted 1/13/2004 05:21:00 PM by Douglas

Mad cow disease isn't all bad. It finally convinced someone that maybe eating a cow's alimentary canal isn't a good idea.

Posted 1/13/2004 05:04:00 PM by Douglas

Let's say, for example, you've been a respected news anchor for the past ten years in Ohio. You've recently recovered from a deadly lung disease. How do you celebrate? With a wet t-shirt contest in Florida, of course.

"I felt like I disappointed myself. I felt like I disappointed God. And should anything like this get out, I disappointed this entire community."

It got out, Catherine, and I can't speak for God, but the community was apparently disappointed enough to get you fired.

This definitely goes down in one of those categories of what was I thinking? What was I thinking?"

Good question. But at least she's doing the right thing:

Bosley is working with a lawyer to determine if any action can be taken against the bar.

I could have guessed that one.

Posted 1/13/2004 04:49:00 PM by Douglas

Forward looking engineers at the University of Wisconsion have figured out how to use a laser to cut the cheese.

Finally. This is the 21st century, after all.

Posted 1/12/2004 07:48:00 PM by Douglas

When driving in the biggest hole east of Arizona, please obey posted speed limits.

Posted 1/11/2004 10:37:00 PM by Douglas

Good to see a Wellington girl get a new set of arms.

Posted 1/11/2004 10:22:00 PM by Douglas

An oldie but a goodie: "What happens when an endangered animal eats an endangered plant?" Well, this is even better. An endangered hawk is eating an endangered crow. Irony, anyone?

Posted 1/11/2004 01:45:00 AM by Douglas

There's something wrong with America's class action law suit system? Who'd a thunk it.

On the other hand, the lawyers on the case that led to this windfall had cause to celebrate: They got to split $7.2 million.

Did I wake up in Communist China? Lawyers, screwing people out of money? What in the world is going on here? But doesn't this say it all:

Brian Strange, the Los Angeles attorney who brought the Citibank case and several similar lawsuits, sees a good result. ''It's not so much the five cents you're getting in the mail,'' he said of the case. ``It's correcting the system.''

And, if by "correcting the system," I can make $7.2 Million, hey, what's not to like????

My December Citibank bill shows this: Schwartz Settlement Refund (800-558-5854) $0.24.

So, I'm going to throw a penny into that refund and go downtown and play a game of Frogger.

I've earned it.

Posted 1/09/2004 11:02:00 PM by Douglas

Lego is posting record losses this year. I just can’t imagine why. Why is X-Box, PlayStation, and Ninetendo reporting record profits? Could these things be connected?

Last year was "very, very bad," he said.

Since it reported its first loss of $47.8 million in 1998, Lego has been hit hard by increasing competition from the makers of electronic toys.

The next post is going to be about puppies or kitties. I’m sick of this depressing shit.

Posted 1/09/2004 01:36:00 PM by Douglas

Smartest dogs, by breed. Labrador Retrievers in at #7? I'm sure the Rottweilers would call for a recount, if they weren't eating their own poop.

Was D involved in this study? Something tells me that he wasn't.

Posted 1/08/2004 10:16:00 PM by Douglas

Levi Strauss & Co., the California Gold Rush outfitter whose blue jeans are a globally recognized symbol of America, closed its last two U.S. sewing plants Thursday.

Now that's just sad. The truly ironic part? The new industry moving into San Antonio? Toyota. Irony, anyone?

Hard to believe that Levi's had 63 U.S. manufacturing plants just ten years ago.

"We have to operate as a global company."

What a nice way to say "we need cheaper labor."

Posted 1/08/2004 09:42:00 PM by Douglas

Seven year old Timmy Novotny of Sheboygan, Wisconsin got stuck in a toy crane game.

Zittel said the boy's father was 3 feet away at a pay phone, and when he turned around the child was in the machine.

What the hell? He was on a pay phone? Who on earth uses a pay phone anymore?

The boy was not injured, but rescuers haven't figured out how the boy was able to crawl into the game or why no one in the store's busy lobby spotted him and stopped him before he got inside.

I know why. . . becuase kids run around in stores like a bunch of freakin' monkeys and no one, especially their parents ever say a damn word to them.

What are the odds that Timmy got the ass-whippin' he deserved after this?

Posted 1/08/2004 09:19:00 PM by Douglas

This is the end. The end of civilization as we know it. Some idiot asshat sues Wal-Mart for dropping a jar on his foot.

Maybe it's going to far in the other direction, but is it too much to call for the stoning death of people like this? I think we should start with a 32-ounce jar of Miracle Whip, a 46-ounce bottle of ketchup, three 15-ounce cans of fruit, an 18-ounce bottle of ranch dressing and a 12-ounce bottle of mustard.

Yeah, that should do it.

Posted 1/07/2004 11:33:00 PM by Douglas

Re-Enlistment outlooks not so good. This pretty much says it all:

"Man, they can't pay me enough to stay here," said a 23-year-old specialist from the Army's 4th Infantry Division as he manned the checkpoint with Iraqi police outside this city 35 miles northeast of Baghdad.

Is it getting drafty in here? I sure hope not.

Posted 1/07/2004 11:05:00 PM by Douglas

I'm glad I don't have friends like this. I don't know anyone with this much foil.

"It's also an act of friendship. It took a huge amount of work from a lot of people. This is a labor of love."

No detail was too small or too time-consuming.

Trerice and his friends unrolled the toilet paper in the bathroom, enveloped the bath tissue in aluminum foil and rolled it back up again. They covered Kirk's book and compact disc collections but made sure each CD case could open and shut normally.

Posted 1/06/2004 04:30:00 PM by Douglas

John Ashcroft has taken some flack as our attorney general, it appears that he's fallen off the deep end with this statement:

Judy Bachrach's profile slams the nation's top lawman for everything from alleged sexism and racism to attempts to curtail civil liberties, and to his "extreme" and "narcissistic" religious convictions - notably the belief that calico cats are "instruments of the Devil."

Ok, he may have something here. Calico cats are pretty strange (and all female) but instruments of the Devil may be pushing it.

OK, he probably didn't even say it (or did he?) but it's still something funny to get printed about the attorney general.

Let's not forget that he lost the election from the great state of Missouri to a dead man.

Posted 1/05/2004 05:27:00 PM by Douglas

I don't know why I think this is funny, but there's something about Britney gettingmarried. and then divorced on the same day. Also, gotta love The Smoking Gun.

That there are grounds for this Court to grant an annulment pursuant to NRS 125.330 because Plaintiff Spears lacked understanding of her actions to the extent that she was incapable of agreeing to the marriage because before entering into the marriage the Plaintiff and Defendant did not know each others likes and dislikes, each others desires to have or not have children, and each others desire as to State of residency.

I don't, know, Jason, but I would have held out for half.

Posted 1/05/2004 05:12:00 PM by Douglas

It's good to hear that PanTex is "shifting focus" to keep up with the busy pace of disarmament.

"We estimate that from 1945 to 1990, the United States produced at several sites approximately 70,000 nuclear weapons of approximately 70 types for more than 120 weapons systems," the article says.

The article estimates that in 1959 and 1960, the United States churned out 28 warheads each work day.

"By 1967, the stockpile reached a historic high with approximately 32,000 warheads of 30 different types, from sub-kiloton land mines (atomic munitions) to multi-megaton strategic bombs," the article states.

70,000 nuclear weapons? I guess 80,000 would just seem silly, wouldn't it? Good to see the Fed is looking out for our best interests.

Posted 1/05/2004 04:52:00 PM by Douglas

As I've pointed out on many occasions, it's just not safe to go to a drive-in restaurant in Amarillo any more.

Posted 1/04/2004 11:39:00 PM by Douglas

The '05 Mustang. I suppose I shouldn't want one, should I?

I wonder why I do????

Posted 1/04/2004 11:36:00 PM by Douglas

I think it's cute that Britney got married on my birthday. Now, if I could just figure out why she won't call me. . .

Posted 1/04/2004 11:24:00 PM by Douglas

Further proof that OU does now, and forever, suck.

Posted 1/04/2004 08:11:00 PM by Douglas

My only resolution for ought four: I pray these words aren't in my obit:

Accident investigators could not immediately explain why (s)he was walking on the freeway or why (s)he was not wearing clothes or shoes.

What a tragic story.

Posted 1/04/2004 08:02:00 PM by Douglas

Aggies, even when it comes to "legacy aggies," still like to discriminate. Who'd a thunk it, but then again, I'm just jealous of their "rich heritage of tradition."

Posted 1/03/2004 01:24:00 PM by Douglas

I knew we'd get to see the tattoo:

Posted 1/02/2004 08:36:00 PM by Douglas

Black-eyed peas on New Year's Day: somethings you just have to do. Actually, their real name, according to my great-grandfather, was "Black-eyed cowpea beans."

"It's a deep South tradition," his wife, Doris said.

Well, I could take issue with that statement and say it's a Texas thing, but I'm sure I'd be corrected.

I couldn't believe that I had to stop at two, count 'em, two different gorcery stores yesterday before I found a black-eyed pea shelf that wasn't completely picked clean.

Posted 1/02/2004 08:16:00 PM by Douglas

Take that, Detroit, ya mouth-breathing gastropods. Even though Houston is in the #2 spot, this is still complete and utter crap. There's only one way to determine the "fattest city," and that's ass diameter.

Men's Fitness uses 14 categories to determine the fattest cities, including the number of health clubs and sporting goods stores and the number of fast food and ice cream and doughnut shops per capita, air quality, climate, television viewing trends and availability of health care.

That's like saying people in a town with more barber shops have better hair. Why do people still care about this crap?

Posted 1/02/2004 08:07:00 PM by Douglas

The Aggies are at it again. Laughing at the face of Cancer, AIDS, and other life threatening diseases, they've successfully cloned a deer. When sheep and cats aren't enough, sometimes you've just got to keep playing God.

"Every year, someone has harvested a big deer and sent us its testicles," hoping the team could perform some reproductive magic - enabling the magnificent kill to sire postmortem, Westhusin said.

"But, semen is so sensitive," he said, and it generally won't make the journey from kill to scientist via mail.

Two years ago, a hunter sent in the testicles of a deer that had racked in at 230 points on the Boone and Crockett system for measuring antlers. In order for a deer to be included in the record book, it must measure at least 160 points.

The semen was useless.

Man, what a fascinating career. Most people that deal with this much semen and that many testicles are typically in porn.

Posted 1/02/2004 08:03:00 PM by Douglas

I can't muster much sympathy for a guy with an "I love women" tattoo on his leg, so this is pretty damn funny. Because you know anyone with an "I love women" tattoo would be mortified to find it suddenly turned into an "I love men" tattoo.

Then again, anyone getting heart by-pass surgery shouldn't put the condition of his tattoos at the top of his priority list.

Posted 1/01/2004 03:42:00 PM by Douglas

Another great piece from Joe Bob. Part of the despots, tyrants, and dictators series.

"Irrespective of the conflict with America." he said, "it is a human duty to show sympathy with the American people and be with them at these horrifying and awesome events which are bound to awaken human conscience."

-Muammar Qadaffi

Well what else is he going to say? He's already been bombed by the U.S. Airforce. He's not that dumb.

Posted 1/01/2004 03:36:00 PM by Douglas

Poor Kerry; He just can't catch a break:

Posted 1/01/2004 02:07:00 PM by Douglas

You know you've got some really good friends if they help you pull this off. Sharon Wymark, I salute you. You should never let the age old "locked in a nursing home bathroom" excuse get in the way of your New Year's Eve celebration.

Doesn't this sound like something that's going to get repeated in a smoky AA meeting somewhere? "One time, I drank through 7 straws linked together through a keyhole in a nursing home bathroom."

Posted 1/01/2004 12:59:00 PM by Douglas

Interesting piece on the devolution of American standards. Sadly, not much of this is news.

Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan, writing in The American Scholar a decade ago, described how society's increasingly relaxed standards were allowing more and more marginal behavior to gain gradual acceptance. He called the process "defining deviancy down."

Well, duh. When was the last time he watched MTV for more than 7 seconds? I did like his "top ten" list. II and V especially.

Posted 1/01/2004 12:58:00 PM by Douglas

Not that this is turning into the police blotter for the retarded, but this story was pretty funny, too. Robbing a bank on a 4-wheeler?

Apparently, some people overspent this Christmas. . . .

Posted 1/01/2004 12:54:00 PM by Douglas

What kind of idiot would rob a Whataburger? Apparently, this kind. At least he didn't drop a check.

Posted 1/01/2004 12:47:00 PM by Douglas

When robbing a bank, don't write the stick-up note on your own check. That's so dumb, it almost seems trivial that they left the license plates on the getaway car.