Posted 12/31/2004 05:37:00 PM by Douglas

I've been trying to catch up with my Lileks reading since I've been gone, and while I hit this piece a few days ago, I'm just now getting to it. It's just so perfectly, Lileks. And we all know what that means. . .

Tradition adds, and tradition takes away; every new ornament pushes another one out. Which is good, I suppose. It keeps the holiday from being just an elaborately staged play. Every year the plot is the same, and every year you improvise a few new lines. We switched to opening presents Christmas Morning a few years ago, because in 02 Gnat had a meltdown Christmas Eve. Fine by me; I prefer it this way. When I was growing up the tree had an ornament I made in school – a drum made out of a toilet paper roll and some painted Q-tips for mallets. It meant a lot to my Mom, obviously, and you could have given her a Faberge egg that came from the birth canal of a Romanoff queen and she wouldn’t have traded it for her son’s handiwork. It’s gone now, I’m sure. My dad didn’t put a tree for a few years after she died, and then he moved. It’s in the landfill now.

But it’s all in the landfill eventually. Maybe that’s an argument against Tradition. An argument for doing it differently every year. Or perhaps just the same old gentle reminder for Moderation, the middle way: a nod to the past, a hail-fellow-well-met wave to the new. (Unless it has spiked hair and a Quaalude habit.) This Christmas has felt like the first one we’ve had, to be honest; it’s the first one Gnat has really seen coming from a long way off, understood and enjoyed. She got it last year, but she’s so much more verbal now it’s a delight to see it unfold anew. Makes me realize that the traditions start now, for her. Did I give any thought to my parents’ traditions, after all? No. Who does?

Doesn't that say it all? I mean, everyone loves their momma, but if everyone ate off their momma's dishes, wouldn't we all be hunkered in a cave eating off of a rock right now?

Posted 12/31/2004 05:22:00 PM by Douglas

Imagine that?!? A state that doesn't want to be a member of these United States. Good luck, Hawaii, and remember: If you don't want half your adult male population dead, stay the fuck out of Gettysburg.

Posted 12/31/2004 05:17:00 PM by Douglas

For some reason totally unbeknownst to me, I got linked here. In all honesty, I don't think the whale has a name, but I took the picture, and since that's the closest I've been to a whale in the wild, I thought it was pretty cool.

So go nuts, kids, and be sure and check out more of The Modulator.

Posted 12/29/2004 03:52:00 PM by Douglas

Sunset in Kona:

Posted 12/29/2004 03:47:00 PM by Douglas

Rest in peace, Lenny.

Jerry Orbach, who patrolled NBC's Law & Order beat for the last 12 seasons as sardonic Detective Lennie Briscoe, has died of prostate cancer, his publicist said Wednesday. He was 69.

Orbach died Tuesday night in Manhattan. Earlier this month, Orbach's manager, Robert Malcolm, confirmed that the veteran actor had been diagnosed with the disease and had been undergoing treatment since last spring, but said that Orbach's prognosis was good.

Cancer? Yeah right. It was murder, and it's going to take a detective like Briscoe to find the missing piece of evidence that pulls it all together. Hopefully before the second commercial.

Posted 12/29/2004 03:43:00 PM by Douglas

The anti-gun crowd wouldn't have so much ammo (pardon the pun) if idiots like this weren't just so damned stupid.

Police said Wednesday they would seek criminal charges in connection with a late-night shooting that injured a 2-year-old girl.

According to reports, a 22-year-old man was visiting League City friends at the 1800 block of Cardinal when a .38-caliber handgun in his pocket went off, injuring him and his host's 2-year-old daughter.

Police say the bullet hit the man's hand and the girl's shoulder, but neither of the injuries were life threatening. Alcohol was involved, according to reports.

Obviously they're going to charge him with shooting a two year old girl, but hopefully they'll charge him with being a complete dumbass as well. Oh wait, that's not illegal.

"Hey, I'm going to get drunk and go over to visit my buddy and his two year old daughter. . . .where's my gun?" What a dipshit.

For every one of these idiots, there are 100 responsible gun owners that know better.

Posted 12/29/2004 03:26:00 PM by Douglas

The Russian Space Agency is getting a little uppity, and suffeirng from some short term memory loss.

Russian Space Agency said on Tuesday it will stop giving free space trips to U.S. astronauts. The agency chief Anatoly Perminov quoted by Reiters said they “will put U.S. astronauts into orbit only on a commercial basis” from 2006.

Russia has been servicing the International Space Station alone for almost two years since the crash of the U.S. Columbia shuttle. The United States has often funded Russian cosmonauts’ trips to the station on its shuttles and since the tragedy Russia has done the same for U.S. astronauts.

How soon they forget the good old days. When NASA funded the last portion of the Mir Program, or when they contracted Boeing to totally fund the construction of the FGB portion of the ISS becuase they ran out of money.

Posted 12/29/2004 03:25:00 PM by Douglas

Crimestoppers, making the streets of Harris County safer. Or: How damn near everyone in Texas can make $5,000 on New Year's Eve.

They contacted Crime Stoppers, prompting the organization, for the first time, to use its reward pool for information on New Year's gunfire, joining Houston police in an expanded effort to silence the tradition. Authorities hope the lure of cash will prompt more people to speak up when they see or hear celebratory gunfire.

Though Crime Stoppers usually reserves its reward pool for information on felony crimes, it decided to offer incentives for tips on celebratory gunfire — a Class A misdemeanor offense — because the activity is a serious threat to public safety. Rewards of up to $5,000 will be offered for information leading to an arrest and charges for random gunplay.

No doubt this is a problem, and I can't think of a worse way to ring in the new year than by getting shot by some moron from five blocks away that fired straight up into the air. But $5,000 for each snitch? I wonder if they considered how much a gun sounds like a firecracker when they offered this reward? Now the police are going to be investigating every single black-cat that goes off because some paranoid person thought it was a gun. Surely there's a better way to deal with this.

Posted 12/29/2004 03:20:00 PM by Douglas

Is drunk-driving the blight of the 21st century? Probably not (although this story makes me wonder about park rangers). Aside for the wack-os at MADD, not too many people considering driving with a 0.08% BAL to be a crime against humanity. But let's say you've been arrested for a few DWIs in the past, and you're out on parole. How is the State of Texas going to convince you that driving drunk this New Year's Eve isn't in your best interest? By asking you not to? By throwing you in jail if you do? Naw, that's too easy. How 'bout signing a pledge?

In a first-time initiative aimed at making streets safer, some parolees with drunken driving records have been instructed to sign pledges that they won't drive from 7 p.m. Dec. 31 to 6 a.m. Jan. 1.

Is this anything like the pledge High School students sign when they go to the prom? What the hell are they thinking?

Because if the threat of going back to jail isn't enough, most parolees would hate to think they broke a pledge.

Morons.

Posted 12/28/2004 06:06:00 PM by Douglas

We survived Hawai'i. The big island (aptly named, Hawai'i) is quite an amazing and diverse place. Aside from hateful tourists, the people there are quite hospitable. I repeatedly saw drivers stopping to let other cars in front of them, which would get you shot in Houston on a good day. I also saw a woman from a table full of octogenarians storm into the kitchen and bitch at the cook, on Christmas Day, because their order was late. Relax, people, or don't stray from your four star resort, if that's the service you demand.

Anyhoo, here is a smattering of photos from the Big Island to show some of its diversity.

Here's a humpback whale. I think his name is Tony. He's probably available for adoption from Captain Dan.

Here's Akaka Falls, on the eastern side of the island.

And here's some fresh lava, from the Pu'u O'o flow.

A great way to spend Christmas, especially when it's snowing in Houston. For those of you that want to hear more about it, I'll be boring the shit out of you with Hawaii stories for years to come, so just relax.

Posted 12/28/2004 04:57:00 PM by Douglas

I've been doing the blog thing for about two and a half years now, and while I've always thought of it as little more than a diversion, I thought it was pointless to get wrapped up in page-views, referring links, and search keyword analysis. But, since adding the counter to the blog about two weeks ago, I can't stop looking at it. I can definitely say that if I'd had this when I started, I'd be totally obsessed by now.

It's almost as if it takes the pointlessness of blogging and adds some bizarre voyeurism to your readers. Seeing the IP of those you know, trying to figure out those you don't. Creepy, really. I can't imagine what someone would do if they had some real traffic on their site. I've got just enough to keep me scratching my head.

But if I could just give a word of advice to the person in Indianapolis that found this site by searching for "kelly rippa panties;" dude, do you have the wrong site.

Posted 12/19/2004 06:46:00 PM by Douglas

Aloha, chumps! I'm outta here. Expect pictures and tales of Spam when I return, but until then, here's a picture of a surfer with balls bigger than my carry-on luggage.

Mele Kalikimaka!

Posted 12/19/2004 02:30:00 PM by Douglas

Your list of the 50 food to eat before you die is totally blow out of the realm of viability when you include #24, Sandwiches. Sandwiches? What the hell is so great about a Sandwich? That's somewhere between ramen noodles and soup.

Also, I had no idea that #32 Guinea Pig, was technically classified as food, which also detracts credence from the validity of this "list."

Posted 12/19/2004 02:18:00 PM by Douglas

Since I've spent my whole life in rural or suburban areas, the notion of a casual carpool strikes me as a little odd.

The system of slugging is quite simple. A car needing additional passengers to meet the required 3- person high occupancy vehicle (HOV) minimum pulls up to one of the known slug lines. The driver usually positions the car so that the slugs are on the passenger side. The driver either displays a sign with the destination or simply lowers the passenger window, to call out the destination, such as "Pentagon," "L’Enfant Plaza," or "14th & New York." The slugs first in line for that particular destination then hop into the car, normally confirming the destination, and off they go.

Where I'm from, we call this hitch-hiking.

Posted 12/17/2004 05:35:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like I'll be postponing my trip to Nuevo Laredo. I don't think I'd make a very good ransom subject.

Marauding drug gangs in a violent Mexican border city have turned to kidnapping U.S. citizens for ransom as they seek to diversify their criminal activities, the U.S. government warned on Friday.

The U.S. consul in Nuevo Laredo, which lies south of the Rio Grande from Laredo, Texas, said 22 U.S. citizens have been either kidnapped or disappeared while visiting the city since mid-August.

The recent spike contrasted with an average of three or four abductions annually in the city in recent years, and has been linked by law enforcement sources to drug-cartel activity, consul Michael Yoder said.

I would make a horrible hostage. First of all, I know just enough Spanish to get me in serious trouble with a marauding Mexican drug cartel. Also, no one I know would give a plug nickel to get me back.

I didn't exactly get a warm fuzzy from my time I spent in Nuevo Laredo without the drug cartels kidnapping and murdering gringos just for fun. I can't imagine how it could get any worse, but here we are. . .

Posted 12/17/2004 05:32:00 PM by Douglas

The coolest apartment building in the world.

An unusual apartment building was inaugurated in Brazil, each of whose 11 storeys turns independently, giving lucky residents 360-degree views of the eco-friendly city of Curitiba.

It was billed as "the world's only completely revolving tower."

Each 300,000-dollar apartment occupies an entire floor of 287 square meters (3,000 square feet).

Lights, air conditioning and the revolving of the apartment can be turned on and off with a remote control or an oral command.

The owner may also change the direction and speed of the revolutions. At low speed, each floor takes an hour to revolve.

How cool is that? How long does it take at high speed? That would make housecleaning a snap. Bolt down the furniture, open the windows, crank that baby up on high, and watch all the trash go out the window.

Posted 12/17/2004 05:09:00 PM by Douglas

Nothing warms the cockles of my heart more than silly liberals and their pointless activism. Enter BuyBlue.com. Tired of buying toilet paper and charcoal from corporations that may [gasp!] be helmed by people on the opposite side of the political spectrum than you? Well, suffer this injustice no longer.

You may have voted blue, but were you aware that every day, you unknowingly help dump millions of dollars into the conservative warchest? Simply by buying products and services from companies which heavily donate to conservatives, we have been defeating our own interests as liberals and progressives on a daily basis.

Buy Blue is a concerted effort to educate the public on making informed buying decisions as a consumer. We identify businesses which support our ideals and spotlight their dedication to progressive politics. In turn, we shine that spotlight on unsupportive businesses in the form of massive boycotts and action alerts.

Isn't that just adorable? What's interesting about their list is that it's predominantly red. That's not really a surprise, is it? The evil plutocrat capitalist republican is out there making money off the backs of the proletariat, while the democrats are smoking weed and trying to figure out who's going to go get the pizza, right?

But aside from my brilliantly nuanced political analysis, look at where the money is going. In the red column, you've got Anheuser Busch, Cracker Barrel, Holiday Inn and Fruit of the Loom. The Democrats have E&J Gallo, Hard Rock Cafe, Hyatt Hotels, and Calvin Klein, just to name a few. Doesn't it seem like the political lines are pretty much already drawn? It's not going to take too much convincing to get your average Republican in the MidWest to drink Budweiser instead of a Merlot from Gallo, just like it's not much of a sacrifice for your average liberal DINK couple in San Francisco to cross the Cracker Barrel off their choices for a night on the town.

Also, do the liberals have no children? I saw this article and thought its reasoning was a bit specious, but by looking at the red/blue columns, I'd have to agree that it's the Republicans that are having all the babies in this country.

But in the end, I think the market is going to answer this question and make this brand of silly and pointless activism into the overlooked footnote that it really is. Besides, political contributions by corporations are the biggest hedge funds there are, so most companies give equally (or nearly equally) to both parties. As "Silent" Cal Coolidge said, "The Business of America is business," and that's not likely to be changed by the good intentions of some disappointed liberals.

Posted 12/16/2004 05:42:00 PM by Douglas

Why is it that this headline fills me with something less than joy?

Top U.S. official says Bush plans 'liberation of Cuba' in second term
President George W. Bush will be committed during his second term to the "liberation of Cuba" by extending moral and political support to the Cuban people, a top State Department official said Friday.

Roger Noriega, who heads the department's Latin American bureau, also said once Cuban President Fidel Castro is no longer in power, the United States is ready to support broad economic and political changes in Cuba "to ensure that vestiges of the regime don't hold on."

Two questions: Is he going to liberate Cuba like he liberated Iraq? That one didn't turn out too well.

Secondly, your head of the State Department's Latin American Bureau's last name is Noriega? Keep in mind that I have to automatically assume that I'm a dumbass, but am I the only one that's paying attention? Noriega, really?

This is the line that really cracked me up:

With Castro's tumble, Noriega said, the Cuban people had to start thinking about their leader's mortality, as well as their own lives.

So, before Castro fell down, the average Cuban on the street wasn't thinking of their own life?

But is this ever going to happen? Sadly, probably not, and especially not under a Republican administration. The expatriate gusanos in Florida have quite a bit of political pull, for some reason, and they all pull against Cuba.

Posted 12/16/2004 05:32:00 PM by Douglas

What a great idea: disabling GPS in times of national crisis. What could possibly go wrong?

President Bush has ordered plans for temporarily disabling the U.S. network of global positioning satellites during a national crisis to prevent terrorists from using the navigational technology, the White House said Wednesday.

Any shutdown of the network inside the United States would come under only the most remarkable circumstances, said a Bush administration official who spoke to a small group of reporters at the White House on condition of anonymity.

The GPS system is vital to commercial aviation and marine shipping.

To say that "the GPS system [sic] is vital to commercial aviation and marine shipping" is like saying that sunlight is vital for plants, or botox is vital to Joan Rivers. Vital becomes an understatement when the entire system of modern navigation will collapse without it. And I'm not just talking about geocachers and other dorks with a laptop and a $99 Garmin (you know who you are). But does Shrub and Co. know how important it is? Apparently:

"This is not something you would do lightly," said James A. Lewis, director of technology policy for the Washington-based Center for Strategic and International Studies. "It's clearly a big deal. You have to give them credit for being so open about what they're going to do."

I know I heard after 9/11 that the hijackers used hand-held GPS units to guide the planes into the WTC towers, but disabling the GPS network over the United States just isn't a feasible solution, regardless of the threat.

Posted 12/16/2004 05:20:00 PM by Douglas

We all know what it's like. You have a fight with your significant other, and you just want to get rid of them. But how many of us have this much resolve?

Mexican man killed his lover in a drunken, drugged fight then cooked the man's body in tomato and onion sauce and ate it over three days.

Police found Gumaro de Dios Arias grilling rotting human flesh for his breakfast, including part of a heart, when they raided a shack he lived in near the Caribbean beach resort of Playa del Carmen, a police chief said on Wednesday.

"He was preparing stews. There was a grill where he was cooking part of the heart and bits he had cut off the body. It was terrible, terrible," said local police chief Martin Estrada, who was among a dozen police who raided the shack.

He was preparing stews? Sounds like he was preparing Stu.

"We found him lying on a folding bed and to one side was the corpse which had been torn apart and which it seems he had been eating for three days," he told Reuters.

What a barbaric tale of depravity. I mean, I know it sounds like the same-old story of homosexual murder and cannibalism, but come on! Doesn't anyone believe in refrigeration anymore? You can't just leave the rest of the carcass, which still has plenty of meat left on it, rotting in the corner of your cardboard hut. Tupperware, people.

Posted 12/16/2004 05:15:00 PM by Douglas

Speaking of abject depravity, I started reading this story of Canada's most sensationalist rapist/murder trial, and I couldn't stop reading. I guess someone should buy me the book. What I find fascinating about this, besides the utter lack of conscience it would take to commit half the things these two people committed (and video taped), is how in the world do these people find each other?

With varying degrees of success, everyone in society has tribulations with their inner demons of their mind, but most of us are compelled, for the most part, to do what we're supposed to. So how does a man that gets his jollies by raping women, deflowering teen-aged virgins, and then murdering his victims, find a woman that will not only marry him, but will agree to rounding up new victims for him to deflower, rape and murder? The first one being her own sister?

I can't help but think that somehow, AmWay is involved.

Posted 12/16/2004 05:08:00 PM by Douglas

Surf's up dude!

Spectators watch a massive wave hit the surf at the Banzai pipeline on the north shore of Oahu, Hawaii December 13, 2004. The Rip Curl Pro Pipeline Masters contest, due to be held in Oahu, was placed on hold due to stormy surf conditions rocking the north shore earlier. The Rip Curl Pipeline Masters is the final event on the 2004 Fosters ASP World Championship Tour and features the top 45 surfers and three wild card entrant.

Personally, that's about as close as I'd want to get to a 40 foot wave.

Posted 12/16/2004 05:01:00 PM by Douglas

I bet you didn't know Humpy Dumpty was actually a cannon.

Humpty Dumpty was a colloquial term used in fifteenth century England describing someone who was obese. This has given rise to various, but inaccurate, theories surrounding the identity of Humpty Dumpty. The image of Humpty Dumpty was made famous by the illustrations included in the 'Alice through the looking glass' novel by Lewis Carroll. However, Humpty Dumpty was not a person pilloried in the famous rhyme!

Humpty Dumpty was in fact a large canon!

When you put it that way, the damn song actually makes sense! All these years, I thought he was an egg. I feel so betrayed.

Posted 12/15/2004 05:34:00 PM by Douglas

What would $130 Billion buy you? Apparently, not much when it comes to the pipe dream that is the missle defense program.

President Bush's drive to deploy a multibillion-dollar shield against ballistic missiles was set back on Wednesday by what critics called a stunning failure of its first full flight test in two years.

Remember back in the day when we had a enemy we could name? At lease back then we had a reason to develop pointlessly useless weapons like this. Damn, I miss the Soviets.

The Pentagon plans to spend more than $50 billion over the next five years on all aspects of missile defense, aiming to weave in airborne, ship- and space-based assets. The system that failed on Wednesday is know as the ground-based midcourse system, or GMD. By some estimates, the Pentagon has already spent $130 billion on missile defense efforts.

That's $180 billion. Billion, with a B folks.

And it's failed in all eight previous tests.

And none of our enemies have missiles.

$180 Billion.

Posted 12/15/2004 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

Cool! Record surf on the north shore of Hawaii

Waves up to 40 feet high crashed onto the Hawaiian coast Wednesday, leaving sand and debris on roadways and prompting officials to close beaches.

Amid the debris, world-class surfers gathered at Oahu's Waimea Bay for a competition that occurs only when such enormous waves sweep the island's coast. It's happened only six times in the last 19 years.

"I don't think I've seen it like this," said Kelly Slater, a former world champion and one of only 24 elite surfers invited to compete.

Wave heights were reported to peak Wednesday morning between 30 and 40 feet at Waimea Bay. Forecasters had earlier predicted up to 50-foot faces.

The waves began coming ashore before dawn, crossing roads and leaving sand and debris, prompting officials to close part of a highway in this town on the north shore of Oahu.

The National Weather Service warned of high surf on north-facing shores of all islands except Lanai until Wednesday night.

Oahu Civil Defense advised residents to avoid the beaches and stay out of the water, but crowds began gathering before dawn for the surfing competition.

40 feet waves? That's got to be damn amazing. . . as seen from the shore.

Posted 12/15/2004 05:19:00 PM by Douglas

Weird story.

[victim]’s naked body was discovered around 9 a.m. Tuesday, officials said. Other residents of the apartment complex said they had last seen Summer about 9 p.m. Monday. The apartment complex is in the 1000 block of Columbia Memorial Parkway, formerly FM 1266.

The death appeared to be accidental.

"At this point, we don’t have any reason to suspect foul play," police Sgt. Dan Krieger said.

Anyone that might be reading this: If I'm ever found dead and naked floating in an apartment complex pond, please, someone suspect foul play. At least 'till the coroner processes my blood alcohol level.

Is that too much to ask?

Posted 12/15/2004 05:17:00 PM by Douglas

Kinky for Governor! After a year of clamoring about it, it looks like Kinky Friedman is throwing his hat in the gubernatorial ring.

Texas musician and author Kinky Friedman plans to formally launch his candidacy for Texas governor on live television in February, he announced Wednesday.

Friedman said he expects to appear outside the Alamo on MSNBC's "Imus in the Morning" on Feb. 3 or 4. He plans to be joined by the band "Asleep at the Wheel" and a group of child fiddlers.

Friedman told the San Antonio Express-News in Wednesday's online edition that he chose the program because Imus is an old friend and "a lot of geezers watch his show in Texas."

"This could be a very long shot," Friedman said of his anticipated gubernatorial run, which he has touted for more than a year.

He's got my vote, because like he says, "how hard could it be?"

Posted 12/15/2004 05:08:00 PM by Douglas

The Simpson's and reality have drifted that much closer together this week, as evident from this statement.

While many of its competitors have downplayed traditional burgers in the last two years while scrambling to add lower-fat salads and grilled chicken offerings to their menus, CKE Restaurants Inc. has taken a different approach.

Carl's Jr. on Wednesday introduced the Breakfast Burger, a hamburger topped with a fried egg, hash browns, bacon and cheese, that weighs in at 830 calories and 46 grams of fat.

Homer it's your turn. You didn't invent the bacon/egg/cheese burger, but let's hear what you've got:

We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef, and soak it in rich, creamery butter, then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it the Good Morning Burger.

Life imitating The Simpson's, or The Simpson's imitating life?

Too close to call, frankly.

But does it come with fries?

Posted 12/14/2004 08:47:00 PM by Douglas

Bah-Humbug, or: I've got your Christmas cheer right here, buddy!

I like this kid. And you know this is going to be the one baby picture he's not ashamed to show his college girlfriend.

Posted 12/14/2004 05:51:00 PM by Douglas

I don't know if I should fear his geekdom, or be in awe of his Lego engineering prowess. Now matter how big of a dork he is, his Lego clock kicks ass [w/ picts], even if this design [w/instructions!] has a much cooler escapement.

Posted 12/14/2004 05:43:00 PM by Douglas

Embarrasing.

The few in the Bush administration who were right about Iraq have been shown the door, while those who were most wrong kept their jobs, got promoted, or are now getting awards.

The United States Government, as run by Monty Python.

Posted 12/14/2004 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

The bastards at Blockbuster have finally wised up and realized that they're quickly pricing themselves out of business. What have they done to plug the hemorrhaging business Netflix is taking from them? By dropping late fees.

Blockbuster Inc., the nation's biggest movie rental company, says it will eliminate late fees on games and movies as of Jan. 1 — but if you keep them too long, you buy them.

Wow, that's an improvement - instead of owing for another day's rental, I have to buy the freakin' thing. What are these boneheads thinking?

The offer announced Tuesday suggests that Blockbuster is still struggling to blunt the competitive threat from NetFlix Inc. and cable.

The company had expected to earn $250 million to $300 million in operating profits next year from its unpopular late fees but believes it can make up for the lost income with increased volume — betting that customers, no longer worried about late fees, will rent more movies and games.

$300 million from late fees? Jimminy Cricket! How do these bastards sleep at night? Let's take a look at the business models:

Blockbuster:
75 copies (each) of the latest, overhyped Hollywood turd fests, a few movies from the last decade, and a smattering of three movies made before 1975, and one of them is Casablanca. If they happen to have something you want to watch, be prepared to stand in line at least 10 minutes, pay about $7 for it for two days, and don't forget to swing by on your way to work the next day, or you'll pay another $7.

Netflix:
Every movie on the planet that has been converted to DVD delivered to your door for as long as you want to keep it, and all for $20 month.

I can't imagine what Blockbuster's problem is. I mean, I can't believe they're still around. And I guess they wouldn't be, if they weren't riding on ViaCom's deep pockets.

Posted 12/13/2004 05:26:00 PM by Douglas

I love the headline:

McCain Has 'No Confidence' in Rumsfeld

Someone buy Senator McCain a newspaper. He seems just a little behind the rest of the world.

PHOENIX - U.S. Sen. John McCain said Monday that he has "no confidence" in Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, citing Rumsfeld's handling of the war in Iraq and the failure to send more troops.

Too bad he didn't say anything like this before the election. He might have been criticizing Lurch's Secretary of Defense by now instead of still hammering of Rummy.

Posted 12/13/2004 05:24:00 PM by Douglas

Sometimes after a long day at the office you just want to go home, kick back and put your head in someone's lap. But the dilemma most single Japanese men found themselves in was finding a lap. Strippers at titty bars cost too much, and strangers on the train generally end up screaming and slapping. But thanks to the entrepreneurial spirit of Mitsuo Takahashi, everyone goes home happy.

The "lap pillow", shaped like the bottom half of a kneeling woman, is selling for about 9,429 yen ($90), the French news agency AFP reported.

"Single men find this soothing," said Mitsuo Takahashi of the manufacturer Trane KK.

He told AFP that the Hizamakura, or lap pillow, fulfilled a primal need.

"From the time people were kids, people have laid their heads on their mothers' laps to get their ears cleaned," he said. "This is made to be quite close to the real thing."

Creepy.

Posted 12/12/2004 04:12:00 PM by Douglas

Wanna see a snake eat a pig? Yeah, me neither, really, but this is a pretty amazing photo series. Definitely not for the squeamish.

Posted 12/12/2004 04:08:00 PM by Douglas

Wow, wouldn't this look great in the driveway. . . if you were a gay superhero?

A new breed of wearable robotic vehicles that envelop drivers are being developed by Japanese car giant Toyota.

The company's vision for the single passenger in the 21st Century involves the driver cruising by in a four-wheeled leaf-like device or strolling along encased in an egg-shaped cocoon that walks upright on two feet.

What the hell?

Posted 12/11/2004 02:26:00 PM by Douglas

I've always thought that the airlines have ulterior motives for making you turn off your cell phone on the plane. You are subjected to more radiation on a cross-country flight than you receive from a dental x-ray, so how is my little cell phone going to mess with the plane's avionics? Short answer? It's not: [Via Brian, sort of]

Cell phone use has been banned due to concerns about how it could affect an aircraft's navigation. And cell phones sometimes have trouble working when the plane is at cruising altitude because phone towers aren't built to project their signals that high.

The FCC rules have less to do with the effects on a plane's navigation than concerns that cell phones on planes could wreak havoc with cell phone systems on the ground.

The libertarian in me just loves this one. The FCC and the FAA colluding together to keep me from using my phone. How perfect, and it definitely sounds like there's some greater force that's keeping this rule in place.

But what about the annoyance factor?

"Can you imagine being in the middle seat between two business people making phone calls for 3 hours?" said Les Glass in an e-mail to CNN/Money. "What are the airlines and the FCC thinking?"

One reader suggested that to allow cell phones increased the risk of violence on board planes due to confrontations between passengers. Others suggested that cell phones only be allowed in a segregated area of the cabin.

Yeah, but think of the advantages. Those annoying people will have someone else to talk to, and they won't feel obligated to talk to me. I personally don't feel people involved in a cell phone conversation are more annoying that a conversation between two people.

And increased violence? Gimme a break. A person involved in annoying cell phone conversation isn't going to do any more to incite violence than those little bottles of Jack Daniels or the safety lecture when they describe how to fasten a belt buckle.

Posted 12/10/2004 05:29:00 PM by Douglas

Don't ya hate it when they screw up your order at the restaurant? Apparently, not as much as this guy.

HOUSTON - Road rage? Try restaurant rage. A 34-year-old man apparently angry that his $6 steak and cheese sandwich was too cold was arrested on a charge of threatening to kill the restaurant manager Wednesday.

Police said the manager offered to reheat Devlin B. Nelson's sandwich or make him a new one when he complained. Authorities allege he instead demanded a refund, threw the sandwich at the manager, then threatened to kill her and blow up the restaurant.

Nelson, a Houston public works employee, has been relieved of his duties pending the outcome of the investigation. He remained in custody Thursday.

Of course, it had to happen in Houston.

Posted 12/10/2004 05:28:00 PM by Douglas

This guy may not know it yet, but he's the best damn pilot in the state.

A small plane that had lost power briefly landed atop an 18-wheeler before crashing onto the highway, authorities said. The two people aboard the plane came out unscathed, and the truck driver never heard a thing.

"Nothing happened to the truck, except for a couple of skid marks up top," said Trooper Lucila Torres, a spokeswoman for the Texas Department of Public Safety.

The single-engine plane carrying an El Paso couple fell off the trailer and landed upside down on Interstate 10 during the emergency landing Thursday about 19 miles east of El Paso, Torres said.

Pilot Mark Taylor Davis, 45, and wife Mercedes Davis, 42, were returning home from Austin when the 1967 Mooney M20F developed engine trouble, state troopers said. The engine died before the plane could reach an airstrip in Fabens.

Wow. The Navy should really see about recruiting this guy. If he can set it down on a truck, think what he could do with some arresting gear?

Posted 12/10/2004 05:25:00 PM by Douglas

You'd think someone would have researched this a little closer before they sold a kazillion of those yellow bracelets.

A hospital chain is taping over patients' LiveStrong wristbands because they are yellow — the same color as the "do not resuscitate" bands it puts on patients who do not want to be saved if their heart stops.

No mix-ups have been reported, but BayCare Health Systems officials do not want to take any chances.

The popular LiveStrong rubber bracelets are sold through the Lance Armstrong Foundation as part of the champion bicycle racer's efforts to raise money for cancer research.

"LiveStrong" my ass. I'm all for charity, but not when it comes with a DNR order.

Posted 12/10/2004 05:19:00 PM by Douglas

So apparently, all those emails I've been receiving are true. I really can increase the size of my penis!

Some men with abnormally small penises gave a portion of their left arm so that surgeons could create a more normal-sized organ.

Some men with abnormally small penises gave a portion of their left arm so that surgeons could create a more normal-sized organ.

Man, I've give my right arm for a bigger wang. Now I can make that dream a reality!

Posted 12/10/2004 05:14:00 PM by Douglas

The honor system, Aggie style. I don't know if this is the funniest story since the porn star ran for governor of California, or the saddest thing since Marion Barry was re-elected as mayor of D.C. But the "list eater" is going to become as engrained in aggie heritage as the 12th man.

A female student cut in the front of the line at ticket window 8 and literally ate the roll-call list.

Get it? Window ate? Boy, you just can't make this stuff up.

Witnesses said she said the list wasn't university sanctioned and she was "right with god." Immediately, the crowd got upset and started yelling and throwing things.

Of course, god was going to be involved. I wonder why god wanted her, specifically, to get tickets to the cotton bowl, as opposed to the poor saps that had been camping out there for four days? The lord works in mysterious ways. . .

"As we kept standing out there people kept yelling beat the hell out of the list-eater. As she's up there talking, people started throwing doughnuts at her," said Micah Gertson who was near the crowd at the time.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable that she wasn't killed. It turns out that she claims she was assaulted by someone in the crowd. She was pushed.

Police say the alleged list-eater filed assault charges against an individual who she says grabbed her wrist and face Thursday at Camp Cotton at Kyle Field.

The woman filed the complaint late Thursday with Texas A&M University Police.

University Police Interim Director Elmer Schneider is considering whether or not to release the woman's name.

That would be hilarious if they released her name, but since there's video of her acting like an idiot, they won't have to. Her name is going to be all over the 'net pretty soon (if it isn't already). Also, she's going to be pretty easy to spot in the stadium at the Cotton bowl. She's going to be the one in the center of all the trash that's going to be hurled at her for all four quarters of the game.

Students had been keeping a roll-call list and witnesses say the girl grabbed the list, and ate it.

But she says she didn't.

The woman in question called KBTX Thursday night and said she did put the list in her mouth but didn't swallow.

So. . . . she put it in her mouth, but she didn't swallow. You just can't make this stuff up.

Posted 12/09/2004 05:33:00 PM by Douglas

I found this article pretty damn interesting for two reasons. First of all, I tend to agree that kids today are total pussies and their parents are afraid of anything bad happening to them. Sure, no one wishes ill upon their children, but ya gotta fall down before you learn how to get back up. What I found even more interesting about this article is that there was absolutely NO mention of parental guilt as the cause of this overprotection. Guilt about not spending time with the kids, guilt about dumping them in day-care from the day they were six weeks old. Surely, that's got to be a factor of this parental hyper-protectionism, no? But what's the result?

"Behold the wholly sanitized childhood, without skinned knees or the occasional C in history. "Kids need to feel badly sometimes," says child psychologist David Elkind, professor at Tufts University. "We learn through experience and we learn through bad experiences. Through failure we learn how to cope."

How does that old saying go? "Good judgment comes from experience. Experience, however, comes from bad judgment." Pretty much a fundamental truth of the Human experience, and all the padded jungle gyms in the world aren't going to change that. So what's different now? Anything?

Messing up, however, even in the playground, is wildly out of style. Although error and experimentation are the true mothers of success, parents are taking pains to remove failure from the equation.

Well they can't do it forever. At some point, every chicky has to be pushed out of the nest to fend for themselves. It's occurring much later now (mid to late 20s, from those I know), but children can't live vicariously through the life experiences and security of their parents forever. Can they?

Forgive me for asking, but I have to say it: "Won't somebody please think of the children!" What do they think about this excessive pampering?

"Life is planned out for us," says Elise Kramer, a Cornell University junior. "But we don't know what to want." As Elkind puts it, "Parents and schools are no longer geared toward child development, they're geared to academic achievement."

"We don't know what to want"??? Excuse me while I bust out crying for a few minutes.
Ok, I'm better now. The thought that someone would make such an asinine statement is a perfect example of how supine this generation really is. What are they freakin' waiting for?

It's called "the World", Elise, and it's not going to be featured on MTV's top 20 Video Countdown. It's waiting for you, outside your front door. Waiting for you and the rest of your whiney generation to go out there and get it all figured out for the rest of us. Oh, and by the way, let us know when you're done. The rest of Humanity would like to know, too. Not that we stopped looking for the answers, but we're pretty sure it's not going to be found on the 32nd level on an X-Box game.

Ok, the second great question this article raises is why is it that every generation thinks the next generation is nothing more than a bunch of languid slackers waiting for their next hand out? If every generation is substantially worse than the previous one, then well. . .hold on a sec. Ok, nevermind. I just turned on the TV for 15 seconds. It is substantially worse.

Sleep tight, kids!

---

Update! Got an email from Elise Kramer:

As you may have surmised, I am the Elise Kramer who is "quoted" in that Psychology Today article, and I was quite surprised to find myself being insulted by a complete stranger on the internet (that is, outside of the context of the hatemail I occasionally receive in response to my college newspaper column). For the record, I was also quite surprised to open up Psychology Today and find my name in one of the feature articles, providing a voice for fabricated quotations. I spent the summer writing news articles for Psych Today, and at one point the editor asked a bunch of us college students some questions about college life -- however, the quotations attributed to me in that article don't even come close to anything that left my mouth.

So even if someone did make such an asinine statement (a thought that frightens me as much as it does you), that someone was assuredly not me. I hope that comforts you to some extent.

-Elise

Sorry, Elise.

Posted 12/09/2004 05:14:00 PM by Douglas

More on the lava in Hawai'i. I think I should go and check it out.

Posted 12/08/2004 05:51:00 PM by Douglas

Finally, there's no longer a need to curse websites that require registration. Just click here, enter the URL, and you'll get a login and password of someone thoughtful enough to register for the rest of us.

What a perfect example of the power of the web coming together to combat the stupidity of dumb people.

Posted 12/08/2004 05:35:00 PM by Douglas

It's kinda odd that the latest "47 year old high school teacher nails a 16 year old kid" is coming from Amarillo, Texas this time.

The Randall County District Attorney's office Tuesday charged a 47-year-old Amarillo High School technology teacher, Martha Lynn Perry, with sexual assault of a child.

The alleged victim is a 16-year-old male who was not one of Perry's students.

Victim? I am not trying to speak for this poor lad, but as a person that was once a 16 year old male, I can say that using the word "victim" to describe a kid that's gettin' jiggy with an older woman is terribly misplaced. "Fortunate" might be a better way to describe him.

Perry faces one count of sexual assault of a child, a second-degree felony, for allegedly committing a sex act with the 16-year-old male during a June 25 encounter, according to the court complaint.

I'm going to have to conclude that the sex act was consensual since she's not being charged with rape. Which opens up the next question, who cares?

I'm going to assert something that makes feminists froth at the mouth, but there are differences between men and women, and there's a huge chasm between a 50 year old man banging a 16 year old girl and an older woman screwing someone under 18. Inappropriate? Possibly. Unacceptable for a teacher? Absolutely. Kinda creepy? Most definitely, it shouldn't be any more illegal than if it happened on his 18th birthday.

And a word to the "victim" in this case, who no doubt is in some kind of counseling for this assault (which probably consisted of "high-fiving" his buddies). You may not know it now, kid, but you're doing something right.

Posted 12/08/2004 05:25:00 PM by Douglas

Here's a news flash: Writing checks sucks.

Electronic payment transactions totaled 44.5 billion last year, and in the process eclipsed paper checks.

The Federal Reserve supplied the data and said the lofty number easily outpaced the 36.7 billion checks paid in 2003.

The Fed's Richard Oliver said Tuesday this is not a one-time phenomenon. "The balance has shifted from check writing,'' he said.

A senior vice president of the Federal Reserve Bank in Atlanta, Oliver said, "And we expect this trend to continue."

I wrote ONE check this year. It was for the tags for my car. The county tax assessor doesn't have debit/credit card options, but they're the government; what do they care about efficiency. Everyone else is concerned with saving money and conducting business in the most efficient manner possible. As I've ranted about before, checks are the product of an era before telephones for crissake. It's time they went the way of the dodo.

And I still contend that if you use a check in the express lane, you need to be beaten.

Posted 12/08/2004 05:17:00 PM by Douglas

What a horrible example of how hard politics can be:

This composite photo depicts Viktor Yushchenko, Ukraine's opposition leader and top presidential candidate, before and after his mysterious illness. On the left, Yushchenko is seen after he submitted his candidacy papers in the Ukrainian capital of Kiev on July 4, 2004. On the right, Yushchenko, with his face disfigured by illness, is seen at the presidential Mariinsky palace in Kiev, Monday, Dec. 6, 2004. The cause of the illness that has left Ukrainian opposition leader Viktor Yushchenko's face pockmarked is still not known, the director of the hospital that treated him said Wednesday, Dec. 8, 2004. rejecting a report that the presidential candidate was poisoned.

Man, that's rough.

Posted 12/08/2004 05:11:00 PM by Douglas

Lileks struck a cord (or is it chord?) with me today for some reason. I rarely agree with his drum-beating war rants, but this one hit close to my own prudishness.

I am the last person to roam the streets in my Cotton Mather costume, and I've lost my enthusiasm for the adolescent glee that comes from pointing out other people's hypocrisies. All I have are my pathetic attempts to draw a distinction between private and public – that is, Howard Stern saying those oh-so-naughty! words on the public airwaves vs. Stern saying what he wants on subscription radio, or Hustler Honey sex-shows in the Superbowl half-time vs. private rentals from the satellite hot-mama feeds. I suppose it comes down to this: you should have to seek these things out instead of having them come to you. Otherwise the coarsening of the public arena continues unabated, and the good & decent fathers who fought hard for Howard Stern’s right to say shit – literally – find themselves without an argument when the billboard across from their kid’s elementary school uses the same words. Today’s crusading moderate is tomorrow’s prude.

That's the beauty of a culture spiraling towards Gomorrah: It always gonna be better last year.

Posted 12/07/2004 05:44:00 PM by Douglas

I think I would like drinking with this guy. Definitely a good friend to have on speed dial in your cell phone if you get popped for a DWI.

Posted 12/07/2004 05:41:00 PM by Douglas

I haven't seen this this movie. I must see it soon.

Posted 12/07/2004 05:27:00 PM by Douglas

The blog has hit bottom. How do I know? I'm about to link to a Dear Abby letter. I don't want to, but damn if the ubiquitous tip jar doesn't piss me off.

I first noticed the phenomenon about 15 years ago, at a wine-and-cheese fund-raiser for an organization to which I belonged. I was flabbergasted to see that the people pouring the wine had a tip jar on the bar. I assumed that we had hired these people as part of the contract, and certainly never expected to see them blatantly soliciting tips. However, I couldn't convince the event organizers to do anything about it.

Since then, I have seen tip jars on the open bars at weddings. Only once have I seen the father of the bride have the good sense and righteous indignation to order them removed immediately.

There is no reason to tolerate paid help hustling one's invited guests for tips. You wouldn't put up with this at a catered event at your home.

It would be different if tips jars weren't everywhere. Restaurants, coffee shops, stromboli carts (you know who you are). The concept of "a tip" is totally abrogated when you stick the jar out there. That's just begging. Now for a really absurd example:

A friend of mine went to this office to have a procedure done. It was not performed by the doctor, but by a technician. When she went to pay at the reception desk, she was asked if she would like to "tip" the technician.

I have no problem tipping in establishments where I know the employees are not receiving minimum wage and depend on tips to supplement their incomes. However, I have no doubt that technician was earning more than minimum wage, and I don't think it was appropriate to ask a patient for a tip.

Ok, this is ridiculous. Does anyone deserve a tip for going above and beyond their typical duties they're already being paid for? Probably, but restaurant owners are the only ones that have been successful in convincing the rest of society that they should pay their employees 70¢ an hour while expecting you to cough up your waiter's rent money this month. Without trying to sound like a rant from Reservoir Dogs, this automatic tipping shit is for the birds. Giving your server the obligatory 15% at a restaurant does nothing but keep the server ambivalent, and the restaurant owner complacent.

Posted 12/07/2004 05:17:00 PM by Douglas

What a great collection of cigar band art. For anyone old enough to remember such things. I think every cigar I've ever smoked said "It's a boy" on it somewhere.

Posted 12/07/2004 05:06:00 PM by Douglas

Everything you know about Murphy's law is fake, and this might be the coolest article you read all year. Back when mankind had real limits to push, and they strapped their asses in and said "let's go." Now, I'm sure, there would have to be a wheelchair ramp to the rocket sled, and the placards would have to be in English, Spanish, French, and Korean.

Posted 12/06/2004 05:32:00 PM by Douglas

Pretty interesting pscyh experiment, but I'm not sure what they're trying to prove in this one. What was really interesting about this one? The smiles I missed, more often than not, weren't from different races, but from men. Why is that?

Posted 12/06/2004 05:27:00 PM by Douglas

Christmas lights. Is there anything they can't do? Apparently annoying the shit out of people and bilking brain-dead suburbanites out of their money aren't two of them.

Parcell, 47, is a toy soldier in a growing army of Christmas enthusiasts becoming more sophisticated at turning yards into blazing monuments to the holidays.

New companies are cropping up with elaborate, automated decorations and the computer equipment to coordinate them, giving anyone with a wallet the ability to create scenes similar to a theme park.

Tens of thousands of people also have found a way to skip all those hours out in the cold hanging lights — opting to hire private companies to deck their halls for anywhere from a few hundred dollars to thousands. One such company, Texas-based Christmas Decor, has grown from 300 customers to over 32,000 in the past eight years.

I've said it before, most people think that Christmas Vacation is an instructional video. Surely we can make Christmas lights totally absurd, can't we?

In Little Rock, Ark., some residents were so upset about a display with 3 million lights — said to be visible from 80 miles away — that they got the state's supreme court to agree it was a public nuisance and order it scaled back.

If your Christmas lights have ever been before you're state's supreme court, you've got some serious issues. And free time.

Posted 12/06/2004 05:15:00 PM by Douglas

Want to see a family tree of Greek Gods? Of course you don't, but by looking at this one and admitting to yourself that you only recognize about half the names, you can finally justify all that drinking you did in college.

Posted 12/06/2004 05:15:00 PM by Douglas

I don't think I ever claimed NOT to be a dumbass, but the story last week about Pi, I must admit, totally got me. As satire and reality inch slowly towards each other, it's going to be more and more difficult to tell them apart. The thing about that story that made it so funny was that it's so believable.

Maybe next time I'll check the FAQ before posting. But probably not.

Posted 12/06/2004 05:12:00 PM by Douglas

web site of note.

Posted 12/06/2004 05:06:00 PM by Douglas

In orbit you can't exactly pull over for some corn nuts when you get hungry.

NASA is drafting a plan to evacuate the International Space Station because the two-man crews are eating more than engineers predicted, prompting a critical food shortage weeks earlier than expected.

Their agreement called for evacuation planning to begin about one month before food, water or breathable air supplies dip to 45 days' worth. The idea is for a crew to leave if the supply falls below 30 days. That would leave enough behind for astronauts to return to the station later.

"They have been working on a de-manning plan," Hartsfield said.

NASA and its partners knew food and water were tight when they decided to go ahead and launch the crew and the station hit the 45-day limit before the Christmas re-supply ship arrived. But at the time, engineers expected the food not to reach that critical level until Christmas.

However, astronauts are eating about 25 percent more food than expected. A series of repeated food audits, during which Chiao counted food containers in the station pantry and then engineers on the ground ran new calculations, has been going on since just after Thanksgiving.

Running out of food and water, de-manning plan in work. Doesn't look good for the ISS this week.

Posted 12/05/2004 06:20:00 PM by Douglas

The 37th Carnival of Cats is over at The People's Republic of Seabrook and Gatisima got a link.

This can mean only one thing: I'm nuts.

Labels: gatisima

Posted 12/05/2004 06:08:00 PM by Douglas

Two of the best things about watching all these old movies:

• Cars - Back in the day before cars were designed by Dr. MPG and the wind tunnel, they actually looked cool. Who could look at any car out of a movie from 1949 and compare it to today's ubiquitous Taurus/Camry/Accord and not want to puke in their own mouths?
• Hats - One of the reasons these movies look older than they actually are is because everyone is wearing a hat. How cool is that? Like most overwrought college students, I too was laughed at when I showed up on campus one day in a fedora, and that's just wrong. Thanks a lot for ruining hats for all of mankind, JFK.

But aside from all that, you've got the movies. I honestly don't think I could watch every noir movie from the late 40s/early 50s, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try, although I've canceled my Netflix subscription for December, but I'll probably fire it up early in the new year after Christmas. So let's get to the flicks!

Black Angel
June Vincent, Peter Lorre, and the gold standard of noir, Dan Duryea really just seem to be going through the motions in this one, but it was pretty interesting, anyway. Hey, we've gotta find the guy that framed my husband for murder. . . let's get a job in a night club, see if any clues turn up? Peter Lorre and Dan Duryea are great, as usual, but this one skimped on the writing.

Too Late for Tears (AKA Killer Bait)
Probably the poorest quality movie I've seen in a while, but the plot was there to keep me watching the sub-par production values. It was made in 1949, but looked like a movie from the early 30s. You've got the classics of noir in this one: The payoff finds the wrong person, the anxious housewife, and of course, Dan Duryea. Good flick, but it's painful to watch a movie this good when even an idiot like me can see that it wouldn't have taken much to make it a great flick.

Criss Cross
Dan Duryea, again (was there a movie in the late 40s he wasn't in?) with Burt Lancaster, cast against type as a guy with a shirt on. Got your standard armored car heist in this one, and not much else.

Out of the Past
Robert Mitchum and Kirk Douglas. What could possibly go wrong with this one? Nothing. Great flick all around, and one of the best lines I've ever heard in a movie:

Leonard Eels: All women are wonders, because they reduce all men to the obvious.

Meta Carson: So do Martinis

Damn straight on both accounts, Meta. At least I think it was Meta that said that. I really couldn't tell the two female leads apart in the 3rd act (more great [and I mean great] quotes here.) This one needs to be watched more than once.

Labels: film noir

Posted 12/05/2004 05:18:00 PM by Douglas

Check out theSneeze if you're looking for an easy laugh. Steve actually posted my comments about the phallic shadows in the "Y"s in the Playboy logo. Dang, I'd have put more thought into that statement if I'd known he was going to publish it. [That, by the way, is the blogger national anthem]

And while you're at it, be sure and read "Steve, don't eat it" if you want to laugh your ass off.

Posted 12/04/2004 03:12:00 PM by Douglas

Pretty good stuff over at the 59th College Photographer of the Year Winning Images site. This one has to be my favourite. At least my favourite non-porn related picture.

Posted 12/04/2004 01:07:00 PM by Douglas

It's that time of year again. Time for the beloved Christmas Specials on TV. Here's a quite hysterical listing of Christmas Specials in an alternate universe. [Via Brian]

If you think these are funny, then you are, like me, a nerd.

Posted 12/03/2004 05:32:00 PM by Douglas

And now for no particular reason, here's yet another picture of Gatisima.

Labels: gatisima

Posted 12/03/2004 05:04:00 PM by Douglas

What not to wear on the first day of the job:

She was young and ambitious, and she wanted to make an impression on her first day as an administrative staffer at a Los Angeles architecture firm. And she did: She showed up wearing a slinky black cocktail dress. Without a bra.

The guys at the firm noticed.

"It did seem sort of strange," says Anthony Poon, principal architect and founder of Poon Design Group, one of those hip firms where creativity and pizazz are admired.

Because we all know how much men despise looking at attractive women, right?

This is really a non-story, if it weren't for the fact that the guy's name in the article about the scantily clad female coworker was Anthony Poon. You just can't make this stuff up.

Posted 12/02/2004 05:44:00 PM by Douglas

"I had hot sex with a major league baseball player and all I got was a scorching case of herpes." And now, almost half a million dollars.

A Harris County jury awarded nearly $500,000 in damages to a Spring woman who said she contracted genital herpes from Los Angeles Dodges pitcher José Lima, a former Astro.

Lawyers for Michelle E. Rudolph, 27, said she learned she was infected in February 2003, about a week after she last had sex with Lima, and said he never warned her that he had the disease.

Lima's lawyers, who plan to appeal, said Lima did not know he was infected until after his relationship with Rudolph ended.

Jurors in the 280th Civil District Court awarded Rudolph $475,000 in damages after hearing closing arguments Wednesday.

It always gets messy when courts are involved of he said/she said quarrels between lovers, but what the hell!?! Is there some way to prove the DNA from her herpes viruses are related to the DNA from his herpes viruses? Other than that, I can't how the case wouldn't devolve into a "No, you gave it to me" shouting match.

But it does pose some other interesting legal questions. Can I sue when I get sick? I'd really like to sue all the sneezing bastards in my office right now because they're too stupid to take a sick day and would rather come to work and snot all over everything.

Posted 12/02/2004 05:34:00 PM by Douglas

What a lovely wedding, but the reception left something to be desired. I wonder what the vows were like? "Do you promise to love, honor and cherish for the next 90 minutes."

Scott McKie and Victoria Anderson were looking forwards to a life of wedded bliss as they tied the knot.

But an hour and a half -- and a series of drunken assaults -- later, divorce was looming fast.

The tale of what has been billed one of Britain's least successful ever marriages ended with 23-year-old McKie being dragged from his own wedding reception by police, newspapers reported on Thursday.

According to the reports, the happy marriage lasted for all of 90 minutes before Anderson, enraged at a drunken toast to the bridesmaids by her new husband at their reception, violently hit him over the head with an ashtray.

He responded by taking a hat-stand at the pub in a suburb of Manchester, northwest England, where the party was taking place, and hurling it towards the bar "like a javelin", according to witnesses.

And they were drunk? Go figure.

Posted 12/02/2004 05:31:00 PM by Douglas

This story just keeps getting weirder:

Whitehead, 43, died late Tuesday, hours after being dragged along a Houston freeway by his girlfriend's car in rush-hour traffic and then thrown into the air. Police said his arm may have been severed, or at least badly mangled, in the fracas.

Whitehead and his girlfriend, who lived in the East Texas town of Buna, had come to Houston for a doctor's appointment Tuesday. The woman was driving a Mercury Cougar, with Whitehead sitting beside her, when she inexplicably stopped the car in the right lane of traffic in the 9900 block of the East Freeway around 3:20 p.m.

Whitehead got out and walked around to the driver's side, where he opened the door and stood talking to her. Witnesses reported he did not appear angry or upset, said Houston Police Department Homicide Sgt. Mark Newcomb.

"The next thing the witnesses know, she floors it, and she's apparently moving at a pretty good clip — and he's hanging on the side of the vehicle," Newcomb said.

Rule numero uno: Don't get out of the freakin' car on a freeway. You just never can tell when the traffic is going to get rolling again and your girlfriend is going to black out.

Posted 12/02/2004 05:23:00 PM by Douglas

911, what's your emergency? Uh, yeah, my dog's stuck in a tire, could you bring the jaws of life?

It took the Jaws of Life and a veterinarian, but Cinnamon the Boston terrier is no longer stuck in a tire.

On Tuesday, Wayne Hyde saw his 10-month-old dog's rear quarters sticking in the air, her head plugged into the center rim of a full-size tire.

Trudy Dillinger, Hyde's girlfriend, tried using Vaseline to release the 17-pound dog's head, which seemed bigger than the 4-inch-diameter ring around her neck.

Then they used their most serious extraction device, a rescue tool called the Jaws of Life, which uses hydraulic power to pry apart or slice open cars when accident victims are stuck.

Alternate headlines

Jaws of life called out when Vaseline fails to extract dog

Posted 12/02/2004 05:21:00 PM by Douglas

Ft. Worth's finest apparently not the solid bedrock of ethical behavior, at least where pizza is concerned.

A Fort Worth police officer has resigned three months after being accused of offering a pizza delivery driver a break on a traffic ticket in exchange for pizzas.

Officer David Towson, who had been on the force five years, resigned in October after administrators recommended an indefinite suspension, which is the equivalent of being fired, police Lt. Abdul Pridgen said Wednesday.

Towson, who was assigned to the traffic division, was placed on restricted duty in July after a pizza driver told internal affairs investigators that Towson offered to not write her a ticket if she would take pizzas to a certain address, Pridgen said.

This is a pretty poor decision on the part of the cop, but what about the pizza delivery girl? The cop does her a favor, and she still rats him out to internal affairs? What a loser.

Posted 12/02/2004 05:03:00 PM by Douglas

The Bible is never wrong is it? What if the scriptures contradict something that's easily refuted by even the most casual observer? Well, in Dover, Pennsylvania, the school there isn't going to let this new fangled technology of measuring distances take away from the word of god in Kings 7:23. No, in Dover, they want to drop the 0.14159 from Pi

The Dover school board has raised eyebrows and ire across Pennsylvania and the country after requiring math teachers to offer 3 as an acceptable value of Pi. Pi is the name given to the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter, commonly accepted to be 3.141592, though the actual number is believed to go on endlessly, without repeating. "That's all well and good," said Maureen Callister, Dover school board member, "But what about God? Doesn't he have a say?" Callister cited the Bible, First Kings chapter 7, verse 23, where it says, "He [King Solomon] proceeded to make the molten sea ten cubits from its brim to its other brim, [...] and it took a line of thirty cubits to circle all around it." "If 3 is a good enough 'pi' for the Almighty, then it ought to be good enough for us," stated Callister.

Because it's wrong, you idiot. Look, the Bible is a lot of things to a lot of people, but one thing it isn't is a technical manual. When I first read about this controversy several years ago [although it's not true Alabama tried to make it a law], I thought the 3:1 ratio was, for lack of a better word, rounding error. This is the Bible, not a math text book, and I think most people would overlook the omission. But then you've got people with too much free time on their hands that think the Bible is a better authority on mathematics than an observable and fundamental truth of nature.

If they want to use the Bible as a math text, does that mean they're going to be teaching Trig in Sunday School? Sounds like the math teacher has it all in perspective:

"Listen, I go to church on Sundays, I tithe, I don't need this," said Timothy Ernesto, a 10th grade math teacher in the district, "I need to get these kids ready for the rest of their lives, the SAT's, the ACT, the whole alphabet soup of testing they'll face before college. On top of all that, I have to teach an 'alternate reality' flavor of mathematics? I'm going to need my summer off!"

But rational people should never underestimate the stupidity of school administration:

"We firmly believe that God already explained himself adequately, and he doesn't need us to second-guess him," defended Callister, "Besides, who ever really uses this stuff after school, anyway?"

Oh, I don't know, Maureen. Maybe, perhaps, people that want to get a job sometime in their lives? Pi is kinda important in Engineering and the rest of the world. Also, to people that don't want to waste their lives administrating small school boards in Pennsylvania.

Posted 12/01/2004 05:27:00 PM by Douglas

I think this is a great idea for recovering alcoholics everywhere. A lot better idea than a breathalyzer lockout device on your car. Put one on the phone.

An Australian phone company is offering customers the chance to blacklist numbers before heading out for a night on the town so they can reduce the risk of making any embarrassing, incoherent late-night calls.

Drunk dialing. Another time honored tradition soon to go the way of the doo doo, just like crank-calls and petty vandalism.

Posted 12/01/2004 05:13:00 PM by Douglas

For those of you that would like to fly a lawnmower around your neighborhood, here's your chance. The video is pretty good, but a bit bandwidth intensive (NSF56k).

Posted 11/30/2004 05:51:00 PM by Douglas

The king is dead, finally. Ken has been defeated after six months and $2.5 million.

The soft-spoken software engineer Ken Jennings, who is Jeopardy!'s longest-running champ, could finally get beaten and booted off the pre-taped show tonight after a record 75 appearances, according to numerous Web reports.

Yesterday, a two-minute audio clip was circulated on the Web, including the question that is reported to have stumped this king of quiz. Sudbury, Ont.-native Alex Trebek, Jeopardy!'s host, can be heard saying, "The category is business and industry, and here is the clue, ladies and gentlemen: Most of this firm's 70,000 seasonal, white-collar employees work only four months a year?"

Well, if the trivia pundits are correct, Jennings finally chokes.

A contestant named Nancy guesses H&R Block. Jennings writes FedEx.

I think he just got tired of playing. He blew both daily doubles earlier in the game, and I don't think there's a chance on earth he didn't know the answer to such an easy question. The show might be watchable again.

Posted 11/30/2004 05:48:00 PM by Douglas

More on Ken. At least he's nice about it.

"I would have dwelt on it if I missed something that I knew or didn't phrase it in the form of a question," said Jennings, a computer software engineer from Salt Lake City. "It was a big relief to me that I lost to someone who played a better game than me."

He's in a new tax bracket now, and H&R Block is making sure he'll always remember the company for other reasons: It has offered him free tax preparation for life.

Some stats: Jennings' average daily haul was $34,063.51. He toyed with the previous daily record of $52,000 — tying it four times — before shattering it with a $75,000 win in Game 38. He gave more than 2,700 correct responses.

So, just because he did his own taxes, he wouldn't know about H&R Block? I seriously doubt that. The man was a machine, and lucky as hell.

Posted 11/30/2004 05:46:00 PM by Douglas

What not to do with your lava lamp.

A man who placed a lava lamp on a hot stovetop was killed when it exploded and sent a shard of glass into his heart, police said.

Philip Quinn, 24, was found dead in his trailer home Sunday night by his parents.

"Why on earth he was heating a lava lamp on the stove, we don't know," Kent Police spokesman Paul Petersen said Monday.

After the lamp exploded, Quinn apparently stumbled into his bedroom, where he died Sunday afternoon, authorities said.

Police found no evidence of drug or alcohol use.

And he was sober? Somehow I doubt that.

Posted 11/30/2004 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

I don't think this billboard in New Zealand has the effect its creators intended. Kind of disturbing, and my first reaction was "they're going to double the price of a lapdance?" (NSFW, if you think your employer would be offended by milking women with four breasts.)

Posted 11/30/2004 05:25:00 PM by Douglas

Kind of a silly exercise, but interesting, non the less. Personally, I've never understood why Coke costs so much more than gasoline, when you think about their relative importance.

But this guy's site is nuts. Be sure and check out the "How much is inside" section. Hilarious.

Posted 11/29/2004 05:46:00 PM by Douglas

The universe, explained:

According to a new study, space and dark are eternal, they were not created, and the 'Primordial Fireball' as claimed by the Big Bang theory could not produce them. The dark had existed before anything else since it is the occupant of the space, the master of the space. When there was no light before existence of the Universe, there existed dark, only dark, nothing else but dark and no one can challenge it just think over it.

Any questions? I don't know if that's as stupid as it sounds, or incredibly brilliant, so ya know what? Here's a picture of a kitten in a shoe.

Posted 11/29/2004 05:06:00 PM by Douglas

RIP William Mitchell, American hero:

William A Mitchell never became a household name, but most households you can name have something of his in it – Cool Whip, quick-set Jell-O, egg whites for cake mix… He gave American astronauts the first space-age beverage (Tang) and impressionable adolescents one of the great urban legends (Pop Rocks).

Pop Rocks? Cool Whip? Jell-O??? Forget household name, this guy should be up on Mt. Rushmore!!

His first big success came with a tapioca substitute developed during World War Two when “tapioca supplies were running low,” as the Associated Press put it. War is hell. In fact, tapioca, a starchy substance in hard grains from cassava, came mainly from the far east, and, with supply lines disrupted, that presented problems for packaged food.

War is hell, indeed. Let's not imagine what would happen to morale if the tapioca shortage was fully realized on the American homefront. Bedlam. Pure bedlam.

William, bring it home for us:

He’s part of the taste of America, the stuff that gets under your skin – from the not entirely “home-made” pies rotating at the diner to the red, white and blue Jell-O salad at the Fourth of July fireworks. That’s how he deserves to be celebrated: take 1 pkg of Jell-O, throw in 1 pkg of Cool Whip, add Tang, mix, lob in a couple of Pop Rocks, and stand well back.

Jell-O, Tang and Pop Rocks. How could you go wrong? Only if you mixed them all together. Because I heard about this kid, one time, that mixed pop rocks with cool whip, and he sprouted a third nipple.

Posted 11/28/2004 04:20:00 PM by Douglas

This could be the sweetest story every told. Or perhaps, the saddest.

Relatives say Gracie Jackson's wish was always that she and her husband J.C., the love of her life for seven decades, would go to heaven holding hands.

On Thanksgiving Day, her wish came true.

J.C. Jackson, 97, died of congestive heart failure about 2:30 a.m. Thursday at a nursing home in this Fort Worth suburb. Twenty hours later, Gracie Jackson, 88, joined her husband of 69 years, dying of pneumonia.

The family insists J.C. Jackson did not go to heaven 20 hours sooner than Gracie.

Wow. What a tragically beautiful happy ending.

Posted 11/28/2004 03:02:00 PM by Douglas

The world's first 2.5 GigaPixel photo. In a word, wow, but I'm going to have to agree with Radley on this one. Pretty scary. If this kind of resolution makes it to the mainstream, that means we'll all have to stop picking our noses in public.

Maybe it's not so bad after all. . . .

Posted 11/28/2004 02:07:00 PM by Douglas

Rest in peace, Uncle Wayne.

Posted 11/27/2004 06:35:00 PM by Douglas

Anyone sitting on five grand that's looking for some last minute gift ideas for me can pass at this one. 241 movies for five grand? Sounds an awful lot like $21 a DVD to me, so I fail to see the economy of the whole set when crap like Chasing Amy, Armageddon, and The Rock is included. Buy 'em separately, kids.

Posted 11/27/2004 06:23:00 PM by Douglas

Shelly Long almost went where everybody knows her name:

"Cheers" alum Shelley Long was back home after being briefly hospitalized because she took a dose of medication to treat back pain and the drug made her ill, her manager said Friday.

"Shelley took an extra pain pill for her back, which she hurt when she fell on the set of `Cheers' many years ago," Martin Mickelson told The Associated Press. "She had a reaction to it... but she is now home and she is fine."

Unintentional overdose, suicide attempt. . . potato, other pronunciation of potato.

Posted 11/27/2004 06:09:00 PM by Douglas

Forget about West Texas, the real oil money now is in the Delaware River.

An oil tanker leaked about 30,000 gallons of crude into the Delaware River late on Friday, worrying local environmentalists and causing a section of river to be closed to commercial traffic, Coast Guard officials said on Saturday.

For me, there's about 30 years of gasoline floating down the Delaware right now. And if my fluid mechanics serves me right, it's all somewhere near the surface. How hard could that be?

Posted 11/27/2004 06:07:00 PM by Douglas

The blog is back, and only slightly less worse for the wear. As far as major holidays are concerned, the blog still recommends spending them with other people's families. Then, and only then, do you realize just how functional your own family really is.

Posted 11/21/2004 06:27:00 PM by Douglas

The blog is going on holiday for a while, and while it's gone, it wants you to think about what you've done.

Posted 11/21/2004 06:15:00 PM by Douglas

Congress looking out for you and your best interests, by dropping billions of dollars into the 21st century's buggy whip.

Though Congress approved a $1.2 billion subsidy for Amtrak, the money-losing passenger railroad still is careening toward a major disruption in service.

How the hell would anyone notice a disruption in AmTrak service? Nobody rides the friggin' things!

To save it, the Transportation Department's inspector general says, Congress must do more. Considering current Amtrak policies, says Inspector General Kenneth Mead, it's up to lawmakers to determine what must go and what may stay to restructure Amtrak and stop the hemorrhaging.

Would it be a national tragedy if we didn't have a passenger rail system? First off, I'd have to find someone that's ever taken an AmTrak train and ask them if they'd miss it. But for the other 300 million of us that pay for this crap, we know how to get to the airport.

Posted 11/21/2004 06:12:00 PM by Douglas

For some reason, this guy makes fast food seem so interesting. Now, for whatever reason, I have the irresistible urge to try a White Castle hamburger.

Posted 11/21/2004 06:06:00 PM by Douglas

Hunters. Is there anything they can't do? Apparently, not killing each other is not on the list.

A dispute among deer hunters over a tree stand in northwestern Wisconsin erupted Sunday in a series of shootings that left five people dead and three injured, officials said.

The alleged gunman, a man from the Twin Cities area, was arrested Sunday afternoon at the line between Rusk and Sawyer counties, according to Sawyer County sheriff's officials.

The violence began shortly after a hunting party saw a hunter occupying their tree stand, Sawyer County Chief Deputy Tim Zeigle told KSTP-TV of St. Paul, Minn. A confrontation and shooting followed.

I see a new section here at the blog. The hubris section. Frat boys that drink themselves to death, and hunters that shoot each other. It don't get no better than that.

Posted 11/20/2004 04:09:00 PM by Douglas

Here's a unique and wholly original news story: Frat boy drinks himself to death on his 21st birthday:

A New Mexico State University fraternity member died Friday after his 21st birthday celebration led to alcohol poisoning, according to the university.

Steven Judd of El Paso, Texas, a junior criminal justice major, marked his birthday with other Delta Chi fraternity members late Wednesday night and early Thursday at two Las Cruces bars, said police Lt. Randy Lara.

Judd and his friends returned to the fraternity house after 2 a.m. Fraternity members called police and emergency medical workers about 8:30 a.m. after finding Judd unconscious and not breathing.

This is an unemployment solution. If only half these condescending pricks would follow Steve's lead, I wouldn't have to endure their ignorant, arrogant sneers at the office.

Posted 11/20/2004 03:55:00 PM by Douglas

It's time to evolve paradigms, because it's obvious even to the most casual observer that the "10 item or less" method for expediting you through the checkout at the grocery store simply isn't working. I'm not a marketing genius, or do I claim any experience in the grocery business (other than sacking bags in high school), but I do have tons of experience with being frustrated at the grocery store. So I've come up with a few alternatives that I think will help you get in and out of the grocery store quicker.

The problem, as I see it, is that people get in the express lane when they're not in a hurry. Nobody wants to stand in line all day, but just because you have 9 items doesn't mean that you need to slow down the rest of humanity simply because you don't have anywhere you need to be. So here are some suggestions for some new lanes, and the people that will use them:

• I.Q. Under 80 Lane
  We've all been there. You're stuck behind some dumbass that can't seem to comprehend the fact that 2 of anything that cost three for a dollar will run you about 67 cents. Reasoning with these people is about as effective as showing card tricks to dogs. And they are closely related to the next entry. . . .
  
  
• I Need to Save 17¢ Lane
  This is the person that swears, up and down, that the can of stewed tomatoes was marked 49¢, and not the 53¢ that they were charged. What's worse, they're willing to debate it with the person working the register that has no idea, nor interest, in what it actually costs. But for some reason, this transaction requires managerial approval from the head office once the cost of the tomatoes comes into question.
  
  
• I Need to Save 17¢ (and I've got it in writing) Lane
  Coupons. Turns out, some people claim they can save money with them, and that's just super. But why on earth do I have to wait half an hour while you save 75¢ on a jar of mayonnaise? Oh wait, not that jar of mayonnaise, see, the coupon is for the 12 ounce, and you got the 16 ounce. Oh, I guess I have to go get the 12 ounce now. Hey, you're out of the 12 ounce jar. Now what? You can start by killing yourself.
  
  
• Over 60 Lane
  Give old people their own lane. I know it sounds cruel, but let's face it. There's no place these people need to be. If they were in a hurry, they wouldn't bore the crap out of the checker with stories about how much grapes cost in 1957 and how uncomfortable they feel with the whole "paper vs. plastic" dilemma. Give 'em their own lane, and while where at it, give 'em that 60 year old checker that can't seem to figure out which button on the register gets me out of the store in under 90 minutes.
  
  
• I Want To Pay With 1870s Technology Lane
  If you're writing a check at the grocery store, you're an idiot, and if you do so in the express lane, you need to be beaten. There's absolutely NO reason to write a check anymore, and if you wait 'till the checker is through totaling your items to whip out your checkbook and start writing, then you not only need your own lane, but you need your own store. Where poop flinging monkeys can go and congregate together and not bother the rest of the world.
  
  
• I Swear I'm 21 Lane
  Look, flapjack. I don't care if you didn't get carded at Bennigan's. I know you're not 21. You know you're not 21. Everyone here knows you're not 21, and no one here is buying that "I lost my I.D." song and dance, either. All you're doing is holding up the line, so do what we all did. Find some homeless guy to buy your hooch, or steal an ID from one of your 21 year old sorority sisters.
  
  
• I'm 5 Minutes Late Lane
  You want to run in, get four things, and get the hell out. You've got exact change (or even better, a debit card), yet you're forced to suffer through one of the above mentioned groups because they don't understand the concept of "express." This lane is predominately populated with people buying just one item, usually single men buying beer, or married women buying tampons. Get the hell out of their way.

I feel like if these groups were given their own lanes, a place where they could feel at home with their own kind, the world would be a happier place.