Posted 3/30/2006 05:09:00 PM by Douglas

Wow. What country is this?

Reagan High School Principal Robert Pambello was ordered to remove a Mexican flag Wednesday morning that he had hoisted below the U.S. and Texas flags that typically fly in front of his school — a symbol he agreed to fly to show support for his predominantly Hispanic student body.

I don't quite understand this. I'm all for national pride (look at the Irish), but why the unwavering devotion for the country you're so desperately fleeing?

Posted 3/29/2006 05:26:00 PM by Douglas

What, me worry?

Posted 3/29/2006 05:08:00 PM by Douglas

More on the severed head.

Investigators spent a second day combing through garbage at the Amarillo city landfill Tuesday, searching for parts of - or a whole - body that belongs to a severed head found in a garbage truck Monday.

Despite a day of rooting through debris dumped at the landfill since Friday, Potter-Randall Special Crimes Unit investigators came away with no new clues and are pondering their next step, unit coordinator Lt. Gary Trupe said.

OK, fair 'nuff. That's almost as good as saying "no comment," but whatever. Still, this is the stance they're taking:

Investigators on Tuesday did not know enough to say whether foul play was involved in the death of the man, who remains unidentified.

No foul play, eh? I would love to hear how anyone's head is liberated from their bodies when foul play isn't involved. Actually, I'd think a decapitation is the very definition of foul play, whether it's pre or post mortem.

But apparently, that's just me.

Posted 3/28/2006 05:50:00 PM by Douglas

Why I read the Amarillo Globe News: Stories like this. A bit of background; a severed human head was found by the guys on the trash truck. Potter County JP Dysart, take it away:

Potter County Justice of the Peace Haven Dysart did not have a lot to work with Monday after a human head turned up in a trash truck.

"I wrote down the time, location and where the head was found," he said. "If we don't find anything else, we still need to have some kind of identification. We will send it off, probably to Lubbock."

Wow, he must have seen at least three whole episodes of Law & Order to figure that one out. Write down the time. Ok, got that one. Now, where to send the severed human head? Probably Lubbock. Those guys at Tech really get off on this kind of shit. They're just like that gal on Crossing Jordan, but with a cowboy hat and a dip of Copenhagen in their lip. But it gets better:

Police were not calling the situation a crime on Monday while looking for clues, such as evidence of how the person who's head was found died. Police did not release an estimated age, the race or gender of the person.

Not a crime? Even if this was the garbage of a funeral home, this would be a crime, wouldn't it? You can't just throw away someone's head, can you? So how on earth could it not be a crime? Did someone on that particular trash route just happen to have an extra human head this week? Come on, people. [HC story here.]

Posted 3/28/2006 05:38:00 PM by Douglas

Imagine that?!? The Larry the Cable Guy movie isn't going to sweep the Oscar's next year.

Protracted flatulence jokes, graphic poop gags, exposed butt cracks, group projectile vomiting. Is it any wonder "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector" wasn't shown to critics before opening?

The same people who double over laughing at such sophomoric humor don't read reviews -- and anyway, in a movie like this, we all know what to expect.

Protracted flatulence? That sounds painful. Not nearly as painful as sitting through this movie. Hey, not every movie can have Snakes. On a plane.

Posted 3/28/2006 05:32:00 PM by Douglas

I don't know how common this is, but I still content it has more to do with bad parenting than with faulty crane games.

Devin Haskin isn't the first little boy to find the inside of a toy machine too enticing to resist.

When the 3-year-old Austin boy crawled through the discharge chute of a Toy Chest claw machine at a Godfather's Pizza here, he ended up on the other side of the glass surrounded by stuffed animals.

Rescuers had to pry the door open to get Devin out, though the boy was in no hurry to leave.

"When we got it open, he didn't want to come out," Fire Chief Dan Wilson said Tuesday. "One of my firefighters had to reach inside and get him. He was happy in there."

Two years ago, a boy crawled inside a toy machine at a Piggly Wiggly in Sheboygan, Wis., and was rescued with the help of a locksmith. Last year, a toddler climbed into a toy machine at a Wal-Mart in Elkhart, Ind. Workers used tools to free the boy.

Ron Morocco, chief executive of Rock Management & Associates, a Sprit Lake, Iowa, company that owns the Godfather's restaurant in Austin, said the machine would be removed until the company talked to the manufacturer.

"We're very happy the young boy wasn't hurt," he said.

I guess it's easier than watching your children. I think there needs to be a law. Your kid gets stuck in the machine, you gotta win him back, fair and square, with the crane and a roll of quarters. No Exceptions!

Dammit, and all I wanted was the lobster harmonica!

Posted 3/28/2006 05:25:00 PM by Douglas

The case for war: We wanted one.

But behind closed doors, the president was certain that war was inevitable. During a private two-hour meeting in the Oval Office on Jan. 31, 2003, he made clear to Prime Minister Tony Blair of Britain that he was determined to invade Iraq without the second resolution, or even if international arms inspectors failed to find unconventional weapons, said a confidential memo about the meeting written by Mr. Blair's top foreign policy adviser and reviewed by The New York Times.

"Our diplomatic strategy had to be arranged around the military planning," David Manning, Mr. Blair's chief foreign policy adviser at the time, wrote in the memo that summarized the discussion between Mr. Bush, Mr. Blair and six of their top aides.

Why doesn't this sentence get more ink: "Our diplomatic strategy had to be arranged around the military planning." Kind of a different story than we got then, isn't it?

Posted 3/27/2006 05:49:00 PM by Douglas

Snakes. On a Plane. And that's about it.

Harry’s article helped turn Snakes on a Plane into a running joke in Hollywood, where the project would occasionally go out for casting, prompting chuckles and interest from agents desperate to land work for their washed-up ex-television heartthrob clients (I’m sure Kerr Smith was a first choice for casting throughout). As The Hollywood Reporter explains in the above-linked, fairly well-researched article, no one who valued their public image had any interest in working on such a risible piece of junk (I’ve read the script, and, well, there’s not much there beyond the title). Indeed, it took a true visionary like Samuel L. Jackson to understand the blunt greatness of the title, assume the starring role, and ensure that New Line not sully the film’s cult cachet by falling back on a rejected alternative moniker for Final Destination.

I disagree with all the comparisons between this movie and Blair Witch. Blair Witch's producers used the internets to insinuate that the story in the film was true. SoaP is using the internets, through fans, to describe how horrible this film is going to be, and that the entire film can be summed up by the title. [SPOILER ALERT! There are snakes. On a plane.] Just as the Reuters article from last week got picked up by CNN, the buzz in my office for SoaP is growing, amongst computer dorks and regular nerds alike. But here's where we agree: This campy one sentence premise of a movie can't hold this amount of momentum 'till its scheduled August release date. We need SoaP NOW!

Posted 3/27/2006 05:47:00 PM by Douglas

Larry the cable guy has a movie. David isn't happy about Larry Gitn' it done. Kind of a funny read, but still, it sounds like someone making fun of a retarded person. Keep in mind that Larry showed up in the list of 2005's most loathsome people. Why?

48. Larry the Cable Guy

Charges:The absolute nadir of the American South’s baffling cultural hegemony. A middle-class Nebraskan, raised in Palm Beach, whose parents sent him to private school, masquerading as an Appalachian mutant and making millions off the nine-toed cyclopes in his audience by calling his material "blue collar," when it’s really just a celebration of proud ignorance. The latest in a long line of "entertainers" propagating the lie that real talent is elitist. The South has risen again—just long enough to grab the rest of the nation by the legs and pull it back down to its Lovecraftian depths. Isn’t even "bad funny." Makes Jeff Foxworthy look like Chris Rock.

Exhibit A: Ostensibly humorous catchphrase translates into "complete the task."

Sentence: Sent back in time for the sole purpose of having Mark Twain’s cigars extinguished on his face.

Don't forget to catch Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector in a theater near you! Personally, I'd rather get smacked in the face with a tack hammer. Or even better? Mark Twain's cigar.

Posted 3/27/2006 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

Going to church? In a bar? In Dallas?

DALLAS — Members of a Dallas church traded in their Sunday finest for cowboy wear as they met during morning downtime at a country-and-western bar.

Reunion Church was bumped from its typical Sunday meeting place at the Dallas Convention Center by a weekend conference. So pastor Richard Ellis held the service at Gilley's Dallas, a bar known for country music and mechanical bull riding.

"I came here to drink before, but not to worship," Steve Slaymaker of Dallas said.

Hopefully, the TABC won't find out about this and throw them all in jail. "Too much sacramental wine for you, pops, you're going downtown. . . .

Posted 3/27/2006 05:19:00 PM by Douglas

Some days I spend way too much time on Fark.

Posted 3/27/2006 05:15:00 PM by Douglas

If you can look at these two pictures and not laugh, I pity you.

Posted 3/27/2006 05:09:00 PM by Douglas

Nurse, nusrse! Get me a life!

Posted 3/27/2006 05:08:00 PM by Douglas

Traffic cameras are used to procure revenue, not to enforce traffic laws. Imagine that.

Maryland drivers receive the bulk of the citations every month from the District's automated traffic-enforcement system, which has generated more than $135 million in fines since 1999.

More than 64 percent of drivers cited last month were from Maryland, as the District's automated speed-enforcement program collected $2.8 million in fines, statistics compiled by the Metropolitan Police Department show.

About 20 percent of violators were from the District, while drivers from Virginia made up 9 percent of the total, statistics show. Drivers from other states made up about 7 percent of the violators.

Meanwhile, the percentage of speeding motorists is the lowest in the program's history. Statistics show that 2 percent of the 2,735,983 motorists monitored in the District were caught speeding last month -- the lowest percentage since the speed cameras were introduced in 2001.

To my readers from Virginia and Maryland, don't do the crime if you can't do the time. It's stupid, but it's not going away.

Also, I must admit, before Texas said that cameras were OK, I enjoyed accelerating up to the "speed limit / your speed" radar guns set up by local cops. It really was like trying to hit the high score on a video game. Now? Not so much.

Posted 3/26/2006 01:41:00 PM by Douglas

More on the TABC's crackdown of people drinking in bars.

The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission program, designed to stem public intoxication and drunken driving, has resulted in more than 2,200 arrests or citations since it began in August.

But the program has been criticized after news reports following the most recent busts, at 30 Dallas-area bars this month.

"I'm getting all those same e-mails, the Nazi, Taliban, Gestapo e-mails," said commission spokeswoman Carolyn Beck. "I don't really understand the hateful outrage. I don't understand, 'Die in a fire.' "

What's not to get?

"Somebody hanging around the hotel, a little stumbling on the way to their room? I don't think that was what we were focusing on," said Rep. Peggy Hamric, R-Houston, who authored a proposed rewrite of the statute authorizing the agency.

"We're looking at it and we're going to be looking at it: Are we going too far, or do we need to go further?" the Mission Democrat said.

"Need to go further?" How is that even possible? Would the TABC go into people's homes to see if they're drinking and thinking about driving? What about liquor stores? Is the sale of alcohol going to be illegal because you may take it home, drink it, and then drive to Taco Cabana? But the dumbest statement of skewed logic goes to Senator John Whitmire:

Sen. John Whitmire, a Houston Democrat and member of both the powerful Senate Finance Committee and the Criminal Justice Committee that oversees the commission, defended the principle of in-bar citations.

"Even though a public drunk is not planning on driving, that could change in an instant," he said. "There is certainly potential danger."

Get that? 2,200 people have been arrested in Texas since August for a potential danger. How does someone elected by the people to represent their interests justify locking up their constituents for doing something that might lead to criminal behaviour?

The commission also points out that being drunk in public, even in a place licensed to sell alcohol, is against the law.

"We can't ignore somebody who's obviously breaking the law," Beck said.

Another good question. Isn't a bar a 'private' business? I don't know what distinction makes it a 'public' place, but it's definitely located on 'private' property. So why can the TABC walk in and take you to jail for doing nothing more than having one too many.

Also, a long-time reader points out that the TABC's budget is in the same pot as the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, and they are struggling. So I was wrong when I said the TABC funding increase was starving children. It's closing state parks. But 2,200 people thrown in jail makes a helluva lot more money for the state than Palo Dura Canyon does, and really, isn't that what it's all about?

Posted 3/25/2006 05:32:00 PM by Douglas

To those that only know Buck Owens from Hee Haw, I pity you. Just about every legitimate "country" singer/guitar player today owes him a debt. Not to mention what he did to the rockabilly sound. You will be missed.

Owens died at his home in Bakersfield, said family spokesman Jim Shaw. The cause of death was not immediately known. Owens had undergone throat cancer surgery in 1993 and was hospitalized with pneumonia in 1997.

His career was one of the most phenomenal in country music, with a string of more than 20 No. 1 records, most released from the mid-1960s to the mid-1970s.

They were recorded with a honky-tonk twang that came to be known throughout California as the "Bakersfield Sound," named for the town 100 miles north of Los Angeles that Owens called home.

"I think the reason he was so well known and respected by a younger generation of country musicians was because he was an innovator and rebel," said Shaw, who played keyboards in Owens' band, the Buckaroos. "He did it out of the Nashville establishment. He had a raw edge."

[. . .]

"I'd like to be remembered as a guy that came along and did his music, did his best and showed up on time, clean and ready to do the job, wrote a few songs and had a hell of a time," he said in 1992.

I don't know you, but I don't like you; tryin' to find me something better. . . . on the streets of Bakersfield.

But one thing's for sure: Dwight Yoakum is drunk off his ass tonight. After all, it is Saturday.

Posted 3/25/2006 12:12:00 PM by Douglas

In the immortal words of El Guapo from ¡Three Amigos!, "I like dees guy. Dees a funny guy!"

Well, in terms of the American taxpayers contribution, I do, this is it for the US. The rest of the rebuilding of Iraq will be done by other countries who have already made pledges, Britain, Germany, Norway, Japan, Canada, and Iraqi oil revenues, eventually in several years, when it's up and running and there's a new government that's been democratically elected, will finish the job with their own revenues. They're going to get in $20 billion a year in oil revenues. But the American part of this will be 1.7 billion. We have no plans for any further-on funding for this.

He's either incredibly stupid or flat out lying, and I don't think he's stupid. What's amazing is that he got another job.

Posted 3/25/2006 12:03:00 PM by Douglas

It's all making sense now. The TABC has stepped up their Minority Report program to arrest drunk drivers even before they're driving because they're getting more money from Austin.

Many North Texans are complaining about a controversial program during in which state officials arrest people inside bars in order to crack down on public intoxication.

The program began years ago, but during the most recent legislative session, the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission asked for and received more money to ramp up the operation.

As a result, the TABC hired 100 agents to travel from bar to bar looking for drunk people who could pose a danger in an agent's opinion.

TABC officials said the program is proactive policing to cut back on drunken driving, but those arrested said it is unfair to arrest someone inside of a bar.

The state can't effectively rule every aspect of your life without adequate funding, so it makes sense that this is the result of a budget increase of the TABC. Of course, that money didn't exist in vacuum, so they either raised taxes, or took it away from some other program. I'm going to have to assume school lunches, so now there are kids starving somewhere so that the TABC can arrest you if you're drinking too much in a bar.

I hope there's going to be more public outrage of this in the future, but MADD has a lot of power, and they're really LOUD!

Posted 3/23/2006 05:24:00 PM by Douglas

I've said before, I don't have an abortion opinion. Except that I do. I find that I have to agree with Radley on this one (again). Male abortion. What a funny term. This is where the Left's agenda falls apart. A woman can have an abortion any time she wants, because, ya know, she wants one, but the father has not only no say in whether the mother has an abortion, but whether she doesn't have an abortion, which was the problem with this case.

A 25-year-old computer programmer in Michigan, Dubay wants to know why it is only women who have "reproductive rights." He is upset about having to pay child support for a baby he never wanted. Not only did his former girlfriend know he didn't want children, says Dubay, she had told him she was infertile. When she got pregnant nonetheless, he asked her to get an abortion or place the baby for adoption. She decided instead to keep her child and secured a court order requiring him to pay $500 a month in support.

Fair 'nuff. What's good for the gander is good for the goose, right?

I don't care how far on the left you are, but you can't say that it's a hate crime to say that "if a woman doesn't want a baby, then she shouldn't have sex" while saying the exact opposite thing to the man, in the form of forced settlements and wage garnishments. That's just not feasible in today's world of DNA testing and wage garnishing. Or should I say male wage garnishing.

Posted 3/22/2006 05:43:00 PM by Douglas

I'm not a big fan of chiropractors. It seems to me that people feel better if they go twice weekly and get "something done" by someone promoting themselves as a doctor. But now it looks like someone has some evidence, as tenuous as it is, and that my assumptions appear to be correct.

The researchers said they looked at all studies evaluating the benefits of spinal manipulation for period pain, colic, asthma, allergy and dizziness - as well as back and neck pain up to 2005.

It was found the data did not show spinal manipulation was effective for any condition - except for back pain where it is superior to sham manipulation, but not better than conventional treatments.

The researchers said that, as spinal manipulation had been linked to mild side effects in around half of patients, such as temporary stiffness, and - much more rarely - strokes brought on by damage to the vertebral artery in the back, it was not something which should be used instead of other therapies.

As much as I hate them, chiropractors are not alone in this. All medicine is derived from empirical evidence and treatments that are developed by way of "this worked, that didn't." That still doesn't absolve chiropractics of its main deviation from even conventional medicine: the cure. Practically all medicine is predicated on the belief that if you do this, you'll get better, not "you've got to show up here every month (or week) for 'treatments' that your insurance probably doesn't cover, and the pain may go away." That's absurd. I'd much rather go and have a small oriental woman walk on my back than visit a chiropractor. There's much less of a chance of a "happy ending" at a chiropractor's office. But I digress. What did the British Chiropractic Association have to say about all this?

But in a statement, the British Chiropractic Association said it was disappointed by the study's conclusions, which it believed were based on "negative" research - other studies had come to the opposite conclusion.

"The usefulness of manipulation is that it can be added, substituted or modified as part of a package of care that provides management, pain control, advice and recognizes risks to a good recovery," it said.

Well what the hell did you expect them to say? "Yeah, our entire industry is a total sham, preying on people that want a weekly backrub from a guy in a white coat." Please. As my daddy always said (not really, but it makes for a good segway), 'don't ask a barber if you need a haircut.'

Posted 3/22/2006 05:08:00 PM by Douglas

You ever wake up some days and wonder what country you're in? [Horrible sentence, and I apologize to my fellow readers with English degrees.] Anyhoo, it seems like liberty and personal responsibility has definitely taken a back seat in this country, at least in Irvine, Texas. This crap is unbelievable.

TABC agents and Irving police swept through 36 Irving bars and arrested about 30 people on charges of public intoxication. Agency representatives say the move came as a proactive measure to curtail drunken driving.

Can you imagine? Being drunk. In a bar. Not being rowdy, not starting fights, and certainly not biting the heads off ferrets as part of a performance art show. Being drunk. In a bar. What does that have to do with drunk driving? What if you had a designated driver? What if you lived across the street? Oh, we're going to get to that.

At one location, for example, agents and police arrested patrons of a hotel bar. Some of the suspects said they were registered at the hotel and had no intention of driving. Arresting authorities said the patrons were a danger to themselves and others.

Wow, a danger to themselves, being drunk at a hotel bar? How, exactly? Paying $7.95 for a beer, or the fact that their company was going to find out about it, since they were charging this to their corporate expense card? Look, if you pound down nine beers (or worse) at the hotel bar and stagger up to your room, how are you a danger to anything, except your productivity the next morning?

Not to fret, dear reader. The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission lets us know what's up:

"Going to a bar is not an opportunity to go get drunk," TABC Capt. David Alexander said. "It's to have a good time but not to get drunk."

That has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever read. No, I don't think everyone that goes to a bar wants to puke in the bathroom, but since the DWI/BAL is so ridiculously low, anyone that goes to a bar is going to be "drunk", from a legal standpoint.

Here's my point, and I draw it, not because it's been done 1,000 before, but because I think it's relevant. Bars exist at the convenient whim of law enforcement. If they wanted to enforce established laws (which is what happened in Irving), they could go into any bar in the state and arrest 99.9% of its occupants (that have had more than three drinks) for being publicly intoxicated. The legal BAL for public intoxication, I would assume, is as ridiculously low as it is for DWI statues, which is 0.08% (in Texas).

As far as the public intoxicantion law is concenred, I have no idea how long this law has been on the books, but I know it's not enforced. If you're drunk off your ass, face down in a bowl of peanuts and not bothering anyone, you're not going to jail. The bartender would throw you in a cab and you'd go home. Don't ask how I know this, but the cops are only involved if you're belligerent. So why draw the line now?

It's not because counties have so much money to make from these cases that police officers treat them like cash-cows? Is it? I mean, if they really wanted to arrest someone that's legitimately guilty (under the statute), they could pull over and arrest anyone driving away from a bar that's had more than three drinks. The DWI/BAL law in Texas is so stupidly low (thank you, G'Dumb) that anyone would be guilty. So why mess with someone sitting on a stool in a bar crying in their Scotch, when you've got a sure thing pulling out of the parking lot in a Mustang?

Probably? Paperwork. Yet another shining example that the first responsibility of the police isn't to protect the public, but to collect fines.

Posted 3/21/2006 05:44:00 PM by Douglas

Pork: It's what's for dinner.

It's not just George Bush Park, and it's not just soccer fields. Across Texas, feral hogs have become a maddening and destructive presence. With 1.5 million to 2 million swine roaming all but about 20 of its 254 counties, Texas has the nation's largest feral hog population.

In 1990, only 19 states — mainly in the Southeast — had feral hogs, and the nationwide population was 1 million to 2 million, said John Mayer, co-author of Wild Pigs in the United States. By 2004, hogs were in 35 states and numbered 4 million to 5 million.

"If you don't have them now, get ready — they're coming," said Mark Mapston, a district supervisor with Texas Wildlife Services and author of the booklet Feral Hogs in Texas.

I smell bacon.

Posted 3/21/2006 05:42:00 PM by Douglas

Amazing video of a cat falling out of a tree. The slo-mo shows an amazing use of their tails as a way to 'right themselves' and land feet first. Luckily, the cat and the fat-lady survived.

Posted 3/21/2006 05:42:00 PM by Douglas

Cheney on Face the Nation on the war's third anniversary:

SCHIEFFER: Mr. Vice President, all along the government has been very optimistic. You remain optimistic. But I remember when you were saying we'd be greeted as liberators, you played down the insurgency 10 months ago. You said it was in its last throes. Do you believe that these optimistic statements may be one of the reasons that people seem to be more skeptical in this country about whether we ought to be in Iraq?

CHENEY: No. I think it has less to do with the statements we've made, which I think were basically accurate and reflect reality, than it does with the fact that there's a constant sort of perception, if you will, that's created because what's newsworthy is the car bomb in Baghdad. It's not all the work that went on that day in 15 other provinces in terms of making progress towards rebuilding Iraq.

There it is again. That damn media. When will it let up?

Posted 3/21/2006 05:35:00 PM by Douglas

Here's the sundial at the Houston Museum of Natural History. Yeah, I know that March 21^st is no longer the day, but it was cloudy yesterday and I was busy. Anyhoo, here are some pictures. Here's the sundial. The angle of the granite? 29.75º, the same as the latitude of the museum.

That lady continued to give me dirty looks the whole time I was there. Apparently, a 30-something white guy hanging around a museum full of kids at lunch on Tuesday kinda seems odd. Maybe it does, in that I was the only person hanging around waiting for mean solar noon. The event was absolutely 100% Druid free. Mean Solar Noon, ironically, came at approximately 12:10, according to my watch. Here is the shiny orb that's at the zenith of the sundial.

It's got three sets of holes, which I've always assumed were to shine sunlight down on the ground during the four times a year when the sun and earth lined up perfectly in this magnificent cosmic ballet. Boy was I wrong. It looks like the orb isn't lined up with where the sun is at solar noon on March 21^st. Imagine my disappointment, as I was expecting some wondrous Indiana Jones-esque laser beam in the map room special effects to rain down from the heavens on this glorious day, but it didn't. I blame George Bush. Or global warming. Anyhoo, here's the shadow it makes on the granite on the ground. Note that it's at the same place in both March and September.

The funniest part of this whole adventure? Seconds before it hit solar noon, a 12 year old dorky looking kid walked up as I was standing right under the orb, and he was going to explain this whole contraption to the 20-something babysitter/au pair that he was uninterestingly dragging behind him. So he walks up, sees the shadow on "noon" and "March/September" and says, "ah yes, by looking at the shadow, you can see that it's almost. . . . . March. Or September. Whatever."

Brilliant.

Posted 3/21/2006 05:00:00 PM by Douglas

To Bill Brasky!!

• He sweats Gatorade
• They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Brasky talk in his sleep.
• He date raped David Bowie
• He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident.
• He has dandruff the size of mice!
• We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
• Brasky once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart.
• Brasky's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong.
• Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that.
• If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'
• The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men.

I have no idea why I'm laughing at this today.

Posted 3/20/2006 05:21:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like I'm going wrap up today in one tidy post. That's fine. I don't have a lot to say, and it's all related to the same subject. Here's a timeline of it. I'm not a Kerry supporter and/or democrat, and I know that reasonable people will always disagree, but could someone put the FoxNews down for five seconds and tell me what the war in Iraq has accomplished for its astronomical pricetag? I mean shit, the Bushies lost (lost) $9 Billion in Iraqi aid. Come on. You don't lose more than a Billion before people start asking questions. But that's neither here nor there.

The most troubling part of this conflict is what brought us to war in the first place. The notion of pre-emption. From the time of the founding fathers on down, the notion of dealing with criminals was waiting 'till they did wrong. Now, in 2001, Bush wants to change all that and make it perfectly legal to go after "terrorists" before they do anything that's illegal.

If this gives you pause, loyal reader, it should not. This flies in the face of over 200 years of case law and civil jurisprudence. Hell, it wasn't even a decent Thomas Mapother movie. But to say that this is even remotely American is an insult to the American Liberties we've enjoyed:

President Bush reaffirmed his strike-first policy against terrorists and enemy nations on Thursday and said Iran may pose the biggest challenge for America.

In a 49-page national security report, the president said diplomacy is the U.S. preference in halting the spread of nuclear and other heinous weapons.

"The president believes that we must remember the clearest lesson of September 11 -- that the United States of America must confront threats before they fully materialize," national security adviser Stephen Hadley said.

Why? So he can ignore them when they actually materialize?

We have not been able to corroborate some of the more sensational threat reporting, such as that from a ---- service in 1998 saying that Bin Laden wanted to hijack a U.S. aircraft to gain the release of "Blind Sheikh" Omar Abdel Rahman and other U.S.-held extremists.

Nevertheless, FBI information since that time indicates patterns of suspicious activity in this country consistent with preparations for hijackings or other types of attacks, including recent surveillance of federal buildings in New York.

Um, how did this guy get re-elected? It looks as though his amen choir has slowly been turning on him, so who knows whom we're going to invade next.

Posted 3/19/2006 02:37:00 PM by Douglas

How in the world do movies like this get made? Check out the trailer. I think I might have to see it just out of morbid curiosity.

Posted 3/19/2006 02:30:00 PM by Douglas

In case you haven't read enough articles about how Americans are fat, dumb, broke, and spiraling out of control towards becoming a third world nation, this should do the trick.

Over the past century, Americans have become accustomed to winning every global battle that mattered: two world wars, the space race, the Cold War, the Internet gold rush. Along the way, Americans have enjoyed unprecedented prosperity and lived lives that were the envy of the rest of the world.

It was nice while it lasted. Today, while unemployment remains low, home values continue to surge, and fearless American consumers keep spending beyond their means, the land of the free is slowly, but unmistakably, yielding advantages earned over decades to foreigners who work harder, expect less, and, often, are better educated. Taken piecemeal, these shifts are virtually imperceptible to most Americans. But business leaders, top academics, and other experts--especially those who travel abroad frequently--increasingly see America as a nation that has pulled into the slow lane, while upstarts in a hurry outhustle Americans in the race for technological, industrial, and entrepreneurial supremacy. "Every one of the early warning signals is trending downward," frets Intel Chairman Craig Barrett. "We're all fat, dumb, and happy, which is one reason why this is so insidious."

Bummer. I think I'll go buy a new DVD player, but only if it was made in China by slave labor.

And for years, U.S. students have been migrating away from hard sciences--which tend to be the source of cutting-edge new products and other innovations--toward business, law, and liberal arts degrees. "We had more sports-exercise majors graduate than electrical-engineering grads last year," lamented General Electric Chief Executive Jeffrey Immelt in a January speech. "If you want to be the massage capital of the world, you're well on your way."

I'm going to have to think about that one. Who wants a burger?

Posted 3/19/2006 02:25:00 PM by Douglas

Three years later, and what has been accomplished? It would appear from this piece from Rummy himself that the administration is on the ropes:

Fortunately, history is not made up of daily headlines, blogs on Web sites or the latest sensational attack. History is a bigger picture, and it takes some time and perspective to measure accurately.

[. . . ] {And yes, I cut out the part where he talks about electing puppet governments, new roads and smiling puppies 'cause I'm not buying it.}

Though there are those who will never be convinced that the cause in Iraq is worth the costs, anyone looking realistically at the world today -- at the terrorist threat we face -- can come to only one conclusion: Now is the time for resolve, not retreat.

Consider that if we retreat now, there is every reason to believe Saddamists and terrorists will fill the vacuum -- and the free world might not have the will to face them again. Turning our backs on postwar Iraq today would be the modern equivalent of handing postwar Germany back to the Nazis. It would be as great a disgrace as if we had asked the liberated nations of Eastern Europe to return to Soviet domination because it was too hard or too tough or we didn't have the patience to work with them as they built free countries.

Wow, just wow. I thought the Hussein = Hitler was played out from Gulf War I with Shurb 41. They must be getting desperate if they're trotting that one out again.

Posted 3/18/2006 05:37:00 PM by Douglas

It's that time of year again when basketball's pointlessness is more widly televized. One question: Why do they wear culottes?

Posted 3/18/2006 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

Just what the Texas Panhandle needed: Rain. Just what they didn't need: Lightning sparking off seven more grass fires.

Nature briefly opened up a new battleground in the waning Panhandle fire fight once again Friday as a lightning bolt pitted man against flame and caused a traffic headache along Interstate 40.

Firefighters from Panhandle, Pantex, Claude, Washburn and White Deer and Texas Forest Service aircraft squelched the blaze a short time after it broke out about 1:45 p.m. Friday, Panhandle Assistant Fire Chief Jay Baze said.

Posted 3/18/2006 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

Newsflash: You're not Irish, and if you need an excuse to wear green and get drunk in the middle of March, maybe you should just join a sorority.

Posted 3/18/2006 05:29:00 PM by Douglas

Here's a great site (I think) to beef up your netflix queue. The commentary of the movies in the list that I've seen seems to be pretty accurate.

Posted 3/16/2006 05:44:00 PM by Douglas

For a line of credit increase, press one.

The Senate voted Thursday to allow the national debt to swell to nearly $9 trillion, preventing a first-ever default on U.S. Treasury notes.

The bill passed by a 52-48 vote. The increase to $9 trillion represents about $30,000 for every man, woman and child in the United States. The bill now goes to President Bush for his signature.

Gee, I wonder if he'll sign it?

Not the first time I've brought this up, and with this administration, obviously not the last.

Also, because I'm a dork and I can figure out stuff like this, a continuous stream of $9 Trillion $1 dollar bills would wrap around the equator of the earth more the 34,000 times, and the width of this band of conservatism would be 1.4 miles wide.

Remember folks, and try to say this without laughing. He's a Conservative: A fiscal Conservative. Shit, I can't even type that with a straight face.

Labels: debt ceiling

Posted 3/16/2006 05:36:00 PM by Douglas

This site was kinda interesting, but of course, I had to steal my favourite:

Or possibly

Yeah, why bother?

Posted 3/15/2006 05:49:00 PM by Douglas

"This is the worst-case scenario of what we hoped wouldn't happen," said Warren Bielenberg, a Texas Forest Service spokesman.

Holy crap, when is this going to stop? When it hits the Rio Grande? The entire Panhandle is on fire apparently. 900,000 acres on fires catches some attention now and again:

"It's like Armageddon out here," McLean-area rancher Bill Bryant said.

"We hauled - I don't remember - 15 to 18 calves that were dead. They just get into a corner and the fire consumes them."

Worse than the dead were the dying.

Cattle without ears.

Tails amputated by fire.

Eyelids melted shut.

Ranchers had no choice but to put the burned cattle down.

"Imagine your worst nightmare, and it can't even come close to this," said Brad Overstreet, a hand on the Taylor Ranch.

Fire killed four horses in a pasture on the ranch six miles north of Alanreed.

"All the horses were dead when we found them," Overstreet said. "They didn't have a hair on them.

"It's the worst thing you've ever seen in your life."

I can't even imagine how horrible this is. That's not only a suffering animal, it's someone's livelihood.

One aspect I'd like to explore in all of this is the ego of Rhode Island. As the smallest state, do you think they get tied of being everyone's whipping boy when it becomes necessary to describe something big out west, we have to pick on the nation's smallest state back east?

At first, the Panhandle grass fires were "half the size of Rhode Island", then that got upgraded to "2/3 the size of Rhode Island." The scorched area is quickly approaching the entire state of Rhode Island, and then what? I propose that for disaster contingencies, a new unit of area. The RI, approximately equal to 990,398.4 acres (1547.5 miles²) to be used when a crap load of land is destroyed, we used the nation's smallest state as a measuring stick, so that a 0.75RI or 1.25RI is readily understood.

Because after all, if 0.9 RI burns down in Texas, that just means that 1.0 RI in New England doesn't really matter, anyway.

Posted 3/15/2006 05:35:00 PM by Douglas

Molly Ivins: Even a broken clock is right twice a day

I can’t see a damn soul in D.C. except Russ Feingold who is even worth considering for President. The rest of them seem to me so poisonously in hock to this system of legalized bribery they can’t even see straight.

She nailed that one, no? Then she relapses into typical Lefty "the government can do it better" crap that makes me want to smack people with a book of Hayek. But back to her point. D.C. Democrats aren't making her angry because they are money/vote whores that are only interested in their own, unenlightened self-interest, she's mad because they are ball-less money/vote whores concerned only with their own narrow, unenlightened self-interests and reelections.

So what's the problem? Russ Feingold can't run the entire party.

Posted 3/15/2006 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

Texas Gulf Coast Windstorm Insurance: Bend over, grab ankles, and just wait 'till they're done.

Warning that Texas insurers are unprepared for a busy hurricane season this summer, the industry has asked Gov. Rick Perry to add a funding boost for windstorm insurance in high-risk coastal areas to the upcoming special legislative session on school finance.

Guess where that money comes from, ya fuckers, and it ain't Rick Perry. It's from me, you bunch of thieving assholes, and from every other homeowner on the Gulf Coast you ream up the ass each and every year there isn't a hurricane, yet when one does show up, you collectively and conveniently claim financial hardships. Where does my that money go when there isn't a hurricane, you fucking thieves?

Posted 3/15/2006 05:28:00 PM by Douglas

Painter of Light? More like painter of crap you'd see in your dentist's office.

Thomas Kinkade is famous for his luminous landscapes and street scenes, those dreamy, deliberately inspirational images he says have brought "God's light" into people's lives, even as they have made him one of America's most collected artists.

A devout Christian who calls himself the "Painter of Light," Kinkade trades heavily on his beliefs and says God has guided his brush — and his life — for the last 20 years.

I can't fault the man for cultivating his business/market. But his paintings are crap, and he peddles them to anyone that is going to buy any drek he churns out with his name on it.

Posted 3/15/2006 05:19:00 PM by Douglas

More on Miss Deaf Texas:

The reigning Miss Deaf Texas who was killed by a train was text messaging her parents and friends on her cell phone as she walked near the tracks and might have been distracted, police said.

Tara McAvoy, 18, was walking about a foot away from Union Pacific railroad tracks. She had typed a message to her parents, both of whom are hearing-impaired, letting them know she was walking along the tracks from home to her mother's workplace on Monday.

First off, this is still a horrible, senseless tragedy. But (there's always a but), there's something to be said for putting down the phone and concentrating on what you're doing, deaf or not.

Posted 3/14/2006 05:13:00 PM by Douglas

I for one am relieved by the announcement.

NASA has scrubbed the May launch of the space shuttle Discovery to replace four low-level sensors in the external fuel tank -- a process that will take three weeks, space shuttle program manager Wayne Hale announced Tuesday.

The next launch opportunity lasts from July 1 to July 19.

I'm tired of saying we may launch in May or the May launch may slip. Now there's no "may" in the May date, as the May date has definitely slipped past May.

At least we can count on something. For sure.

Posted 3/14/2006 05:10:00 PM by Douglas

From the "too ironic to joke about it" department. Miss Deaf Texas, RIP.

The reigning Miss Deaf Texas died after being struck by a train, officials said.

Tara Rose McAvoy, 18, was walking Monday near railroad tracks when she was struck by a Union Pacific train, authorities said.

A witness told Austin television station KTBC the train sounded its horn right up until the accident occurred.

Beauty queen? Hit by a train? Robert Earl Keen and/or Willie Nelson, call your office. There's a song here just waiting for you to jump all over it.

Posted 3/14/2006 05:04:00 PM by Douglas

As a recurring somnambulist, I find the reaction to this drug particularly intriguing.

The sleeping pill Ambien seems to unlock a primitive desire to eat in some patients, according to emerging medical case studies that describe how the drug's users sometimes sleepwalk into their kitchens, claw through their refrigerators like animals and consume calories ranging into the thousands.

The next morning, the night eaters remember nothing about their foraging. But they wake up to find telltale clues: mouthfuls of peanut butter, Tostitos in their beds, kitchen counters overflowing with flour, missing food, and even lighted ovens and stoves. Some are so embarrassed, they delay telling anyone, even as they gain weight.

Well, there's the common theme in somnambulism: embarrassment. Whether you're finishing off a bag of Doritos or trying to fit your pillow in the dish washer, once you get called on the inevitable question of "what in the hell are you doing," you never have an answer that satisfies not only the person asking, but yourself, either. You're in the back seat, along for the ride.

This may be a stretch, but hey, he got off. Twice. But only in Canada.

Posted 3/14/2006 01:59:00 PM by Douglas

Happy π day suckers! This was kinda an interesting site for the occasion, but of course, my degree in engineering has never forced me to stoop to such trivialities as these. I've always known π for as many digits that I've needed, or as far as my TI would allow. But if you think you can "out-dork" me, check the post time.

Posted 3/13/2006 05:47:00 PM by Douglas

"This is the day the Panhandle burned." An awful lot of it. Link from the Chronicle here, but some amazing pictures from Amarillo here and here. [map (sort of) here]

It's just odd to think of the area of ²/₃ the size of Rhode Island being charred to a crisp with only seven fatalities, and four of them were traffic related.

Pray for rain.

Posted 3/13/2006 05:16:00 PM by Douglas

"Clumsy plumbing" my arse, this is to dream the impossible dream.

It almost seemed like a miracle to Haldis Gundersen when she turned on her kitchen faucet this weekend and found the water had turned into beer.

Two flights down, employees and customers at the Big Tower Bar were horrified when water poured out of the beer taps.

By an improbable feat of clumsy plumbing, someone at the bar in Kristiandsund, western Norway, had accidentally hooked the beer hoses to the water pipes for Gundersen's apartment.

Someday . . .

Posted 3/13/2006 05:11:00 PM by Douglas

Isaac Hayes only five years behind the rest of humanity.

Isaac Hayes has quit "South Park," where he voices Chef, saying he can no longer stomach its take on religion.

Hayes, who has played the ladies' man/school cook in the animated Comedy Central satire since 1997, said in a statement Monday that he feels a line has been crossed.

"There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins," the 63-year-old soul singer and outspoken Scientologist said.

It's kinda sad that he has to go out on such a sour note, because you know those two unrested adolescents are just going to rip him a new one, but still.

Posted 3/12/2006 04:25:00 PM by Douglas

Compelling interview with the one Mr. Tom Wolfe. I liked this chunk, but the whole thing is worth a read.

"Using the Internet is the modern form of knitting," he continues. "It's something to do with idle hands. When you knitted, though, you actually had something to show for it at the end. Thomas Jefferson used to answer all his mail from the day before as soon as he got up at dawn. In his position, think of the number of emails he'd have had. He never would have been Thomas Jefferson if he'd been scrupulous about answering all these things. I think email is a wonderful time-waster. It's peerless. Here it is," he concludes, "you can establish contact--useless contact--with innumerable human beings."

Boy, ain't that the truth. You can email anyone you want to, but the question is why? I also like this definition of the "parentheses states."

And so many of them are so caught up in this kind of metropolitan intellectual atmosphere that they simply don't go across the Hudson River. They literally do not set foot in the United States. We live in New York in one of the two parenthesis states. They're usually called blue states--they're not blue states, the states on the coast. They're parenthesis states--the entire country lies in between."

Wow, I never thought of that. California is even shaped like a parenthesis.

Posted 3/12/2006 02:16:00 PM by Douglas

Truer words have never been spoken, Kinky:

"Guinness is the drink that kept the Irish from taking over the world. It would be unthinkable not to have a Guinness during a St. Patrick's Day parade. In fact, it would be spiritually wrong," Friedman said in a statement issued by spokeswoman Laura Stromberg.

Who wants to live in a world where open container laws apply to people in parades? St. Patrick's Day parades?

Posted 3/11/2006 05:21:00 PM by Douglas

Live in fear no longer, homophobes! Makes ya wonder how proud a person is if their face is blurred in the picture.

Posted 3/11/2006 05:09:00 PM by Douglas

Sometimes the truth hurts.

A Nashville man got a speeding ticket, and he didn't hide the fact he thinks Coopertown is a speed trap.

That's what started a feud between him and the mayor.

He got the ticket while house hunting. Needless to say, T. Allen Morgan isn't planning on moving to Coopertown anymore, but he's made a lot of calls to city hall since.

And when he finally paid the ticket off, he let the town know what he thinks of it.

Morgan enclosed a check to pay for his ticket but wrote “for speed trap” on the check.

“I just wanted to make a point that I knew what was going on,” he said.

Crosby told the Associated Press that accepting the check would be admitting his town is a speed trap, and that is a “bald-faced lie.”

All pretty silly, but the kind of reaction you'd expect from a small town mayor who is totally aware that the speed trap in his town generates 30% of the town's revenue.

Posted 3/11/2006 04:45:00 PM by Douglas

Why would you consent to a vehicle search if you knew you had 810 pounds of marijuana in your car?

A Florida man's journey from Arizona to New York was interrupted by a pit stop in the Gray County Jail Thursday after authorities found several hundred pounds of marijuana in a trailer he towed.

Texas Department of Public Safety troopers stopped a 2006 Ford Expedition towing a U-Haul trailer headed eastbound along Interstate 40 about 7:20 a.m.

The driver agreed to a search and authorities found 810 pounds of marijuana worth about $477,000 hidden in boxes inside the trailer, according to DPS.

Authorities booked the 47-year-old Sunrise, Fla. man into the Gray County Jail in Pampa on drug-related charges.

So 810 pounds is a drug related charge? How do they always seem to know what cars to pull over?

Posted 3/09/2006 05:56:00 PM by Douglas

What an incredible waste of time, money, and resources by the Travis County Sheriff's Office.

Dozens of Central Texas drivers got pulled over Thursday for doing absolutely nothing wrong.

Travis County deputies kicked off what has become a controversial reward program.

You know that heart-stopping feeling you get when seeing the flashing red lights of law enforcement in the rear view mirror? Well, you won't see that if you're a good driver, but you may get pulled over.

Getting pulled over for doing nothing wrong may not sound right to a lot of people.

Travis County Deputy Derrick Taylor says his job is to not only look for bad drivers, but reward and encourage friendly drivers.

No, it's clearly not you brain dead anthropoid. How many bad drivers, or should I say, ticketable drivers, were doing stupid shit while you were "rewarding" someone? Plus, I don't care if I'm on my way to a bowling alley to watch Laverne and Shirley re-runs on a 7" black and white TV, I've always got better things to do than mess with the cops. Especially if I'm not doing anything wrong.

Posted 3/05/2006 09:12:00 PM by Douglas

This is what it looks like when a calico is jumping at you and your camera is zoomed in:

Luckily, we both survied.

Posted 3/05/2006 05:24:00 PM by Douglas

Churchill quotes. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am that bored.

• A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
• An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last.
• From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
• Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.
• He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
• History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
• When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.
• Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
• It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required.

Man, that last one! I can't say how many times I've heard (from people less than 25 years old, mainly) people attempt to assuage a failure by saying "but they tried so hard!" How tragic it is that we're stuck with an entire generation that equates intentions with results.

Posted 3/05/2006 04:49:00 PM by Douglas

Oscar picks. All I can say is 'meh, who cares.' Most of these movies I'd only watch if they came on cable on cable on a Saturday afternoon and I had a broken leg. Syriana was good, but no one is going to go see that one that doesn't already know what's going on over there. Crash wasn't so much a film as it was an educational video to teach Jr. High students about racial stereotypes. Retarded Jr. High kids, that is. Ok, we get it. Do you have to beat us over the head for 90 minutes about how dumb racism is? Good Night and Good Luck might be worth the DVD (from Netflix) to see how Clooney is using his fame as a platform to show, like, McCarthy was like, bad, man, and how Bush is like McCarthy, man. But to truly comprehend the subtle nuances of that connection I think I'll have to drink several shots of bong water, and I'm just not up for that kind of commitment. Oddly enough, I kinda hope that Larry wins the writing award for that gay cowboy movie. I like Larry, and an Oscar would instantly up his street cred on the mean streets of Archer City. He should have got an Oscar 35 years ago for nailin' Cybil Shepard while making The Last Picture Show.

The only real wild card in all of this is Jon Stewart. He's funny, and incredibly quick on his feet, even without writers. I just hope he can stay far enough away from the self-deprecating Jew schtick he seems to always resort to.

All in all, a pretty much perfect waste of a Sunday evening, so sit back, enjoy a delicious frosty beverage of your choice, and enjoy the pinnacle that is the trainwreck of American civilization: Celebrity worship.

Posted 3/05/2006 04:27:00 PM by Douglas

Aggies auction crap for charity. I found this line humorous:

"It's like eBay live," said John Kretzschmar, a junior who walked away with a Thermos, armband radio and wristwatch.

eBay live? Yeah, imagine that? You can auction worthless crap without putting it on the internet? Who knew? Next thing you know they'll be talking about this new-fangled talking email. They're called phones. But how did this happen:

Most of the sales were made up of bargain items, such as Adam Lee's $2 pair of camouflage pants. Some items went for more money. A foosball table sold for $65 and a calculator went for $75, Thebeau said.

How do you lose a foosball table? Does it fall out of your back-pack when you're at class?

Posted 3/04/2006 03:32:00 PM by Douglas

I always wondered when would be a good time to teach my kitties about The Lord. Now I know. Thanks, Onion!

Kittens' hearts, at birth, are filled with what theologians call "original mischief." Mischief, if left to grow on its own, can sprout into evil. That's why you must fill their hearts with Jesus instead. If you wait, your cats might find seductive role models among the back-alley strays and rough felines from the wrong side of town. You could also end up with an unwanted pregnancy.

That's why it's so very, very important to tell your cats about the life, crucifixion, and resurrection of Jesus as early as possible. The Nicene Creed is a good place to start: Recite it to them when they are about 10 weeks old.

Remember: If you give a cat a fish, it eats for a day. If you teach a cat to fish, it eats for a lifetime. Perhaps that's not such a good proverb to use in this case, since fishing is actually instinctual in cats. But Jesus is not. Your kitties need to know early on that there is a fisher of men and cats alike who can save their souls.

Remer kids, feline baptism requires full immersion, so good luck with that!

Posted 3/04/2006 03:23:00 PM by Douglas

Have you ever made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and cut off the crusts? Then you're a damned thief and Smucker's will end up with your children's inheritance.

The method comprising: placing a first slice of bread on a platen; forming a mass of a first food spread onto the central portion of the first slice of bread in a position spaced inwardly from a marginal area where the mass is formed with an inner lower layer with an outer rim extending upwardly from the lower layer to define a closed pocket or receptacle recess in the mass; placing a second food spread in the receptacle recess; closing the receptacle recess with a layer of the first food spread generally coextensive with the mass and supported on the outer rim of the mass to encapsulate the second food spread into a center composite food layer; placing a second slice of bread over the first slice to cover the center composite food layer; cutting the bread slices in unison in a cut pattern to remove the crusts of the slices

Is there anything in the world that lawyers can't suck the joy out of?

Posted 3/04/2006 03:18:00 PM by Douglas

Not all supreme court cases are interesting, and here's proof.

It’s a question that has been asked many times: If Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg fell asleep during a case, would the media notice? The answer, apparently, is no.

The "artist's rendering" is hilarious. Here's the story from Yahoo, and they barely mention that she was "dozing" while Souter and Alito didn't have the cajones to give her a nudge.

Posted 3/04/2006 03:06:00 PM by Douglas

My penis has prohibited me from weighing in on the South Dakota abortion laws, but there's something about this post that I just couldn't pass up. Coming to a back-alley near you, it's your very own abortion how-to guide. Fairly graphic, and not for the faint of heart, but I link to it for the statement below. I know the abortion issue is going to be resolved by people with much more catchy chants that I could ever come up with, so I'll leave my opinions out of this. But I can't help but wonder what led up to the emotional, moral, and spiritual (not to mention physical) death that made this statement:

Save the material until the end of the procedure on a piece of plastic, so that you can be sure the entire fetus has been removed. If doing this sounds too ethically challenging, remember that fetuses do not have the capacity to feel actual pain until the third trimester.

Maybe it's just me, but if you've sedated a pregnant woman in a room at the Ramada and have begun to extract fetal material from her uterus, dontcha think it's a little bit late to contemplate the challenging ethical questions that, oh, I don't know, might arise from the procedure?

What's even more disgusting is the comment section of the site. People seem to think that these instructions are like a brownie recipe that they're going to print out and put in their recipe box.

Posted 3/03/2006 05:54:00 PM by Douglas

Presidential nicknames. Puerile? Perhaps. Sophomoric? Certainly. Hilarious? Habsolutely! I don't know who the hell came up with "Gash Limbaugh", but I'd like to buy them a beer. Or perhaps more fittingly, a soy-latte.

Posted 3/03/2006 05:49:00 PM by Douglas

I'm looking for the man that shot my Paw!

A family in Brevard County, Fla., has launched a campaign to find the person who used their pet cat as "target practice" and shot it six times as it lounged in their yard, according to a Local 6 News report.

Bastards. It takes a certain kind of asshole to shoot someone's pet, but it takes a sociopath to shoot the same cat six times. It couldn't have happened at the same time, because the cat is gonna run like hell after he gets shot the first time. Hell, Lola dives under the bed if someone knocks on the door.

Posted 3/02/2006 05:40:00 PM by Douglas

This is Lola. She thinks I need to turn down the flash on my camera. I think she's possessed.

We're both right.

Posted 3/02/2006 05:29:00 PM by Douglas

The end of ground based astronomy? Somehow I doubt it.

Ground-based astronomy could be impossible in 40 years because of pollution from aircraft exhaust trails and climate change, an expert says.

Aircraft condensation trails - known as contrails - can dissipate, becoming indistinguishable from other clouds.

If trends in cheap air travel continue, says Professor Gerry Gilmore, the era of ground astronomy may come to an end much earlier than most had predicted.

"It is already clear that the lifetime of large ground-based telescopes is finite and is set by global warming," Professor Gilmore, from Cambridge's Institute of Astronomy, told reporters recently in London.

"There are two factors. Climate change is increasing the amount of cloud cover globally. The second factor is cheap air travel.

"You get these contrails from the jets. The rate at which they're expanding in terms of their fractional cover of the stratosphere is so large that if predictions are right, in 40 years it won't be worth having telescopes on Earth anymore - it's that soon.

Ok, now the bias is revealed. Global warming and evil jet engines (which cause global warming, too, I'm sure.) Don't these guys every get tired of telling us about the looming environmental apocalypse that never seems to come? I just can't imagine a world so blanketed from aircraft contrails that dorks hogging the eyepiece in the observatory can't see what they're looking at. But if that's the case, that's just more evidence that we need bigger and better telescopes. On Mars. There's no atmosphere there to mess up.

Posted 3/02/2006 05:21:00 PM by Douglas

One question: why?

Condoleezza Rice, the nation's top diplomat, is appearing in a three-part TV interview in which she rides a bike, works on her abs, pumps iron and talks about her weight.

Public figures usually do not go public when they work on their figures, though when they do, it can help humanize their images. President Bush is sometimes photographed trying to stay fit on his bike, and President Clinton took some high-profile jogs.

But secretaries of state, a job most people associate with the stiff, inscrutable language of diplomacy? Three days on TV in the gym?

Bush or Clinton biking or jogging is hardly the same as a three part interview about how Condi "feels the burn." Would a man do this? Would a man be asked to do this? I sure hope she's not being played like a two-bit piccolo like Colin was, but this isn't looking good.

Posted 3/02/2006 05:19:00 PM by Douglas

Happy Birthday, Texas! You don't look a day over 165.

Posted 3/02/2006 05:14:00 PM by Douglas

One thing's for sure: Longhorns love their pot.

University of Texas students voted Wednesday in favor of a nonbinding referendum to equalize penalties for alcohol and marijuana violations.

The Alcohol-Marijuana Equalization Referendum passed by 64 percent, The Daily Texan reported.

Supporters of the measure argued that students shouldn't face stiffer punishment for marijuana violations than alcohol because alcohol is more likely to cause addiction, violent behavior and death.

Judie Niskala, campus coordinator for SAFER Texas, said Wednesday in a news release that the victory "demonstrates that students clearly recognize the truth: Alcohol is simply more harmful — both to the user and society — than marijuana."

The drug war is a joke (with a $20 Billion punch line), but I'm afraid this is going to have the opposite effect. Instead of making marijuana more legal, it's going to make alcohol prohibition more acceptable.

Posted 3/01/2006 05:43:00 PM by Douglas

Vicki Hogan, your 15 minutes of fame was over in 1992 when you bared your muff for Hef, so please, stay out of the Supreme Court. But still, if anyone thought they had a chance at 400 million, they'd probably do the same thing. But this quote from Scalia puts it all in perspective:

Kent L. Richland, arguing on Anna's behalf, is exactly the sort of silver-haired, silver-tongued guy you'd have cast in the reality show. He doesn't appear to be flapped, even when Justice Antonin Scalia wonders, just moments into his presentation of an argument far broader than the one he needs to make: "Do you want to stand on that position or do you have a lesser position? One that might cause you to win?"

Aside from being a brilliant jurists, Scalia strikes me as a great guy to have a beer with. Not because I think he'd be a great drinking buddy, but rather when he makes fun of you, it would have to be for stuff you couldn't defend. Plus, he could probably kick my ass. To paraphrase Phill Hartman in The Sinatra Group, "I've got chunks of smarter guys than you in my stool."