Posted 9/30/2004 06:25:00 PM by Douglas

Presidential debate Bingo. Pretty clever. Get 'em while they're hot.

Posted 9/30/2004 06:18:00 PM by Douglas

As a regular blood donor, I think it's about time that someone did something like this.

Coffee Memorial Blood Center will make it easier for potential donors to provide personal information.

Coffee will use a new, shorter questionnaire that donors can fill out before giving blood, according to a news release.

Starting Monday, when donors arrive at the blood center or blood drive, they will be handed the new questionnaire and will be asked to complete it in private.

It's good that they're finally making donating blood easier, but it's going to be a sad day when I step into the blood-mobile and a total stranger doesn't ask me if I've ever given sex or money for drugs, or had sex with anyone that has. I mean really. . . what's the point?

Posted 9/30/2004 06:07:00 PM by Douglas

This is getting a little weird, but maybe not as much as an anatomically correct inflatable sheep. But why doesn't it have a head?

After a long night at work as a radio DJ, Junko Suzuki likes to snuggle at bedtime — and she says she's found the perfect partner: a man-shaped pillow.

Linen maker Kameo Corp.'s new "Boyfriend's Arm Pillow" — which consists of a headless torso and a stuffed arm that curls around the sleeper — might make some people uneasy.

But not Suzuki, or about 1,000 others in Japan who have bought the pillow, which Kameo says is the first of its kind. The product went on the market last December.

Weird. If only it can kill bugs when they get into the house, women won't need men at all.

Posted 9/30/2004 06:00:00 PM by Douglas

What an odd way to try to meet women. But ladies, you should be a bit skeptical about a doctor providing gynecological services in a self storage unit.

Authorities on Wednesday were looking for women who may have been taken advantage of by a man accused of posing as a doctor and offering free gynecological services.

Thomas Patrick Remo, 50, of Ovilla, was jailed without bond on three counts of practicing medicine without a license.

Eyler said the office, which was in a self-storage business, looked like a real medical office. Investigators said there were numerous pieces of medical equipment. Remo wore white pants and white medical scrub shirt. He had a stethoscope around his neck.

So that's all it takes to instill confidence in a physician? A stethoscope around their neck and an ad in the paper? But how often have you asked your doctor if they actually have a medical license? At least he wasn't impersonating a proctologist. That would just be gross.

Posted 9/30/2004 05:58:00 PM by Douglas

This poster would be pretty durn funny if it weren't so true. Scroll down to the The Cognitive Style of PowerPoint

In corporate and government bureaucracies, the standard method for making a presentation is to talk about a list of points organized onto slides projected up on the wall. For many years, overhead projectors lit up transparencies, and slide projectors showed high-resolution 35mm slides. Now "slideware" computer programs for presentations are nearly everywhere. Early in the 21st century, several hundred million copies of Microsoft PowerPoint were turning out trillions of slides each year.

Alas, slideware often reduces the analytical quality of presentations. In particular, the popular PowerPoint templates (ready-made designs) usually weaken verbal and spatial reasoning, and almost always corrupt statistical analysis. What is the problem with PowerPoint? And how can we improve our presentations?

That would just be priceless on my office wall.

Posted 9/30/2004 05:49:00 PM by Douglas

Wow, some linkage from Uncle Brian. Check him out

Posted 9/29/2004 07:11:00 PM by Douglas

In case any gun-nuts were looking for a reason to go to the Big Island of Hawaii, here's your written invitation.

Hawaii Volcanoes National Park is looking for volunteers with rifles to help rid the park's new 116,000 acres of thousands of feral sheep.

The National Park Service recently acquired the land on the Big Island from Kahuku Ranch. With the land came thousands of mouflon sheep, native to Corsica and Sardinia in the Mediterranean, that were brought to the ranch for hunting in the 1960s. Their population has multiplied over the years because they have no natural predators.

"Their grazing inhibits the regeneration of Hawaii's endemic plants, which are defenseless against sheep, goats and other chompers and stompers," the park service said in a news release.

The park service is required by law to control alien species that interfere with native species or habitats, park spokesman Jim Gale said.

The park service will conduct a public lottery Nov. 8 to select participants in the hunt, officials said. The project will continue indefinitely and lotteries will be held every six months, officials said.

There will be no limit on the number of sheep taken, and volunteers will be encouraged to keep the meat, the park service said.

"Chompers and stompers?" That sounds like a pretty good description of your average American tourist, actually. But other than that, why is it that I'm just now finding out about this? While looking at the "things to do on the Big Island" section of about a kazillion on-line vacation planners, I didn't see feral sheep hunt anywhere.

Looks like there's going to be some mutton at the luau this Christmas.

Posted 9/29/2004 07:09:00 PM by Douglas

Holy crap! A quick googling of "mutton" landed me on this site. Probably not safe for work, if you think your boss might not approve of an inflatable sheep sex dolls.

Welcome to Mutton Bone, "The Inflatable Sheep Company." Our premier product, the Love Ewe Inflatable Love Sheep, is the ultimate gag gift. Perfect for that upcoming bachelor party, birthday, retirement, or fraternity party.

Get one for your boss, your best buddy, or that guy in the next cubicle who only bathes before Star Trek conventions. Of course, you could also get a Love Ewe because you are lonely and pathetic. If so, then this is the web site for you!

Hilarious, but there's more.

Love Ewe is a hilarious, high quality, life sized, anatomically correct, inflatable sheep with red garters, fishnet stockings, and lipstick.

And it's only $25!! How could you go wrong?

Ok, the thought of someone designing, building and marketing an anatomically correct sheep is a bit disturbing, but the web-site is hilarious. Ewe'll laugh your ass off!

Posted 9/29/2004 07:07:00 PM by Douglas

Why is there porn on my computer screen? Here's why. 2 is the old standard, but I like 10 for the honest approach.

Posted 9/29/2004 07:03:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like Bush is gonna win this one. How could you argue with science like this.

Forget about the guesswork from the political pundits and ignore all those election polls.

The real key to predicting the outcome of the presidential election is this year's face-off of the Halloween masks.

It's as unscientific as it gets, but the theory, according to some people in the costume business, is that the winner in every election since 1980 has been the candidate whose masks were most popular on Halloween.

So far this year, Bush masks have been outselling those of Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry by a 57 percent to 43 percent margin, according to one outfit, BuyCostumes.com, the online arm of Wisconsin-based costume marketer Buyseasons Inc.

Sadly, as far as "polls" go, I'm not convinced that this is determined any more reliably.

Posted 9/29/2004 06:54:00 PM by Douglas

Another follow up, of sorts. Actually, is the same Jesus-in-the-river story from the Houston Chronicle, but this one has a picture. No, I'm not going to post it.

Posted 9/29/2004 06:48:00 PM by Douglas

Follow up: IRS employee whose name, ironically enough, isn't Randy, pleaded out.

An Internal Revenue Service employee pleaded guilty Monday to federal charges in connection with a scheme to trade IRS information for sexual favors from three topless dancers who needed help with federal tax problems.

Charles G. Herndon, a tax examining technician at the IRS center in Austin, pleaded guilty to a felony count of making a false statement in IRS records, a felony count of disclosure of tax information, a felony count of unlawful solicitation by an IRS employee and six misdemeanor counts of unauthorized computer access.

Does this mean the strippers are going to reposes the lap dances and sexual favors?

Posted 9/28/2004 07:35:00 PM by Douglas

Here it is, folks the Mt. St. Helens web-cam. Some websites may offer the same thing, but when this Helen blows, this is the website you want to be lookin' at.

Trust me!

Posted 9/28/2004 07:32:00 PM by Douglas

When I heard that Jon Stewart was going to be on The Factor w/ Bill O'Reilly, I was sickened. I knew I had to watch it, but I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to sit through an entire hour of his show. On one side of the table, you've got a rubber-faced comedian with a fake news show on basic cable who isn't above doing anything that he thinks will get a rise out of the audience. Then, on the other side, you've got Jon Stewart, who is actually funny because he's trying to be.

Well, I missed The Factor, but I was able to find a transcript [via Wonkette, whose caricature makes me want to puke only slightly less than O'Reilly] Anyhoo, what did Jon and Bill have to talk about?

STEWART: What am I, a Cheech and Chong movie? Stoned slackers?

O'REILLY: Come on, you do the research, you know the research on your program.

STEWART: No, we don't.

O'REILLY: Eighty-seven percent are intoxicated when they watch it. You didn't see that?

STEWART: No, I didn't realize that.

O'REILLY: Yeah, we have that there.

Well, there's no accounting for taste, is there?

O'REILLY: But you do have some influence. Now, how do you see that? You have influence. John Kerry bypassed me and went right over to you. You're only four blocks away. He said, "O'Reilly, I don't think so. Stewart, I'm going to go talk to you."

STEWART: Well, I have to tell you -- and again, I mean no disrespect, but the snack selection backstage, quite frankly...

O'REILLY: Yeah, it's...

STEWART: You know, I don't want to shake Guantanamo Bay, but it's a little sparer back there.

O'REILLY: It's close, it's close. We want people to be hungry when they come out.

Sounds like someone's jealous that Kerry chose Comedy Central over Fox News. Jon, drive it home for us:

O'REILLY: What do you think Kerry wanted to get out of it?

STEWART: A hug -- just a sweet hug.

Damn, I would have loved to have seen Bill's face with that remark.

But Comedy Central, or "ComCent", isn't going to take the "stoned slacker" comment lying down with Cheeto residue all over their fingers.

Viewers of Jon Stewart's show are more likely to have completed four years of college than people who watch "The O'Reilly Factor," according to Nielsen Media Research.

O'Reilly's teasing came when Stewart appeared on his show earlier this month.

Comedy Central had no statistics on how many people watch "The Daily Show" stoned.

Honestly, that doesn't surprise me. But what would be interesting is how many O'Reilly viewers consistently drag their thumbless-knuckles on the asphalt while braying at the moon.

Posted 9/28/2004 07:24:00 PM by Douglas

What do the Federal Border Patrol Agents do when they find someone trying to swim the Rio Grande to get into Texas? This might be an isolated incident, but sometimes they're placed on prominent display for the faithful in the evidence room.

A life-size fiberglass statue of Jesus Christ found on a sandbar in the Rio Grande sits in the evidence room of the Eagle Pass police station as the faithful flock to it and officials begin contemplating its next stop.

Many in this border town's Catholic community have made the trip to the police department to see the crucified Christ lacking the cross propped against two doors in the entryway of the evidence room.

Well one thing's for sure. The people of Eagle Pass definitely aren't going to overreact and place an undo amount of religious significance on this man-made likeness of the Messiah, are they?

Eagle Pass Police Chief Juan A. Castaneda said newspapers across the border in the Mexican town of Piedras Negras are calling it the Christ for the undocumented.

"Faith has led them to believe that this is a sign," Castaneda said.

"Christ for the Undocumented?" Sometimes a piece of fiberglass is just a piece of fiberglass. But what is the Sheriff going to do with it?

With no leads on where the statue might have come from, the Eagle Pass City Council has begun to consider what to do with it after it's released as surplus property.

The city manager said the department will not sell it, as it traditionally does with unclaimed items. He said the police will donate it to the community.

There's only one place for something this weird: Ebay.

Posted 9/28/2004 07:22:00 PM by Douglas

Jeff Noble, you're a genius. The hunters become the hunted.

Miriam was an obvious fraud — one of dozens of fictitious characters used by international criminals to separate gullible computer users from their cash. Dan was the brainchild of 27-year-old Houston Web designer Jeff Noble, out to strike a blow for cyber chumps everywhere with his satiric Web site, www.reversescam.com.

I exchanged a few emails with a Nigerian banker a while back, and I too was amazed at how seemingly illiterate these scammer's English was. Well, not so much surprised at that, per se, but surprised that anyone would read broken English and be suckered into the scam.

The average is 100.

Posted 9/28/2004 07:21:00 PM by Douglas

H & R Block sure can't beat this kind of service.

An Internal Revenue Service employee pleaded guilty Monday to federal charges in connection with a scheme to trade IRS information for sexual favors from three topless dancers who needed help with federal tax problems.

Charles G. Herndon, a tax examining technician at the IRS center in Austin, pleaded guilty to a felony count of making a false statement in IRS records, a felony count of disclosure of tax information, a felony count of unlawful solicitation by an IRS employee and six misdemeanor counts of unauthorized computer access.

Herndon admitted to soliciting private dances, dinner dates and sexual favors from three topless dancers in exchange for assisting them with their federal income tax problems, federal prosecutors said.

Herndon faces up to 19 years in federal prison.

Now dancing for your tips and your tips only, in Cell Block B in a Federal "Pound-him-in-the-ass" Prison. . . . it's Charley Herndon!

How ironic: Now he's going to be someone's bitch. . . and for favors!

Posted 9/28/2004 07:19:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like T.T. opted for treatment for her HIV and cocaine addiction.

Amarillo officials may not have to carry through on their threat to force an HIV-positive prostitute into treatment in what could be a precedent-setting case in Texas.

Amarillo City Attorney Marcus Norris said Monday that the woman, who is identified only by the initials T.T., may be willing to voluntarily undergo treatment and counseling to help keep her from spreading the virus that causes AIDS.

That's good, I guess. Good to see that she's going to receive some treatment, other than that of the TDCJ. But it still leaves the bigger questions unanswered. Is it illegal to give AIDS to someone in Texas?

Doug McBride, spokesman for TDH in Austin, said the department's lawyers do not think there is a law in Texas that would specifically make intentionally exposing someone to AIDS a criminal act.

I think that's going to change, if the current climate persists. If it's the cigarette's fault you got cancer, surely it's not your fault you got AIDS, is it?

Posted 9/26/2004 12:35:00 PM by Douglas

As a movie fan like the rest of us, I've always thought there were two parallel universes. The real movie universe and "cleaned up for TV" movie universe. So now I realize I'm not the only one. Movies on TV (and basic cable) aren't movies. They're time-filler not worth the test pattern they're up against. But I love the way John expresses his own personal dissatisfaction with the disappointment of the film's disclaimer:

I feel this is information I can do without but hey, I already saw the meagre fare on offer - "Mild profanity, action violence, partial nudity", blah - and it's already put a ceiling on my expectations. I know I won't be shocked or surprised, both of which rank high in my pantheon of cinema-going pleasures. The LA Times even adds its own spin on the rating at the end of reviews: "Too intense for young children" and so on, though I recall a wonderful misprint relating to some plasma-drenched Halloween hack-n-slasher: "Gore. Beheadings. Elviscerations."

What's an Elvisceration? Are we going to cut up Elvis?

The real irony is that we can turn to any cable station (right now, probably) and watch Bruce Willis shoot up the terrorists in Nakatomi Plaza till blood squirts out their eye sockets, yet we can't hear him say "Yippee-ki-yay, Mother Fucker!" Something fundamentally wrong with that.

Posted 9/26/2004 11:31:00 AM by Douglas

Looks like the story of the HIV positive crack whore is making the rounds. Something tells me we haven't heard the last of T.T.

Posted 9/26/2004 11:31:00 AM by Douglas

For Sale: 1968 Chevy Camero, V-8, completely restored, runs great. Only owned by one megalomaniacal religious cult leader that died in a standoff with federal agents in 1993. Engine block stamped "David's 427 go God."

A 64-year-old San Antonio car wash owner put in a winning bid of $37,500 on Saturday to bring home an automobile once owned by Branch Davidian leader David Koresh.

Donald Feldpausch said he didn't go to a classic car auction in Fredericksburg with the intention of buying the 1968 Chevrolet Camaro but changed his mind when he saw the vehicle.

He said he plans to put the Camaro into storage until he hears from someone "who just has to have it."

I don't know who would just "have to have it," but I'm scared of that person.

Posted 9/26/2004 11:28:00 AM by Douglas

Chances are if you're able to convince your bride to get a cake like this, you're also going to be able to convince her to get married at the Drive-thru Chapel of Love in Las Vegas.

Mmmmmm. . . donuts.

Posted 9/26/2004 11:25:00 AM by Douglas

In next week's issuse of Duh! magazine, men and women are different.

These discoveries are part of a quiet but revolutionary change infiltrating U.S. medicine as a growing number of scientists realize there's more to women's health than just the anatomy that makes them female, and that the same diseases often affect men and women in different ways.

"Women are different than men, not only psychologically (but) physiologically, and I think we need to understand those differences," says Dr. Catherine DeAngelis, editor of the Journal of the American Medical Association.

Labels: Duh

Posted 9/26/2004 11:21:00 AM by Douglas

I sure would hate to say that public education isn't doing its job. . . .so I'll let this guy say it for me.

"It's sinful to allow a student to show up at a community college and tell them they'll have to spend the year learning what they should have learned in high school," said Gene Bottoms, senior vice president of the Southern Regional Education Board, a coalition of states working to improve education. "It's a problem everywhere."

But to be fair, people attending community colleges may not have been as concerned with their free education when they were in public school, so it's hardly a surprise that they have some catching up to do. The solution? Stop forcing an education on those that don't want it, and stop forcing me to pay for it.

Posted 9/26/2004 11:12:00 AM by Douglas

Found a pretty cool movie blog. I really like Wayne's assessment of The Last Picture Show.

The production decision that separated The Last Picture Show from the pack, and really allowed it to be a "classic," was when they decided to shoot it in black and white. What better way to show the despair and hopelessness than to take all the non-gray hues out of the visuals. Cybill would've looked much prettier and I may have been more forgiving.

I'm reminded of what a videographer told me once, about why we tend to be more affected by black and white photographs than we are by color pictures. When we view a B&W photo, our brain doesn't have to process all that silly color information, and the core meaning of the image is much more apparent. That's why this film is so compelling. A color version would've been completely boring and faded into obscurity.

I'd have to agree that Cybill Shepard's performance was unmemorable (except for the swimming pool scene), but Bogdanovich obviously knew what he was doing.

Posted 9/25/2004 02:17:00 PM by Douglas

Fascinating story out of Amarillo, where an HIV positive crack whore won't stop practicing her avocation. So what's the city going to do about it? What else? They're going to sue her.

In what could become a one-of-a-kind case in Texas, Amarillo officials filed suit this week against an HIV-positive woman to compel her to seek treatment and stop spreading the disease.

Local officials said they think the case, which was filed in Potter County court Wednesday, would be the first of its kind in Texas if it goes to trial.

It's extremely rare. In fact, to our knowledge, it's the first one," said Amarillo City Attorney Marcus Norris, whose office filed the civil action. "The Public Health Department assists many people with AIDS, and this single case is the very rare exception where a person who is HIV contagious is noncompliant with the health authority.

"We believe that by her conduct, she poses a health threat to the community, and so we're going to have to try to get the court to intervene and help."

Last time I checked, prostitution, along with the sale, purchase, and use of cocaine were already illegal, and I'd be willing to bet that there are people sitting in prison at this very moment for the same offense. It's a sad commentary on the drug war when it's the only alternative for these people, but it's still illegal.

"We work with many people that have AIDS and HIV, and we talk to them about risk reduction," Pierce said. "Because this is a disease without a cure, all of them pretty much do what we ask. But this particular person just continues to put people at risk. You reach a point where you say, 'I don't know what else I can do."'

The authorization for the action is contained in Chapter 81 of the Texas Health and Safety Code. The law allows a judge or jury to force a person into treatment if "the person is infected with a communicable disease that presents a threat to the public health and ... the person has failed to follow the orders of the health authority or department."

The libertarian in me has a big problem with the "State" locking people up because they've determined they're a health risk, because these people are just crazy enough to deem damn near everything a health risk, and lock everyone up. Smokers, drinkers, fry cooks, Baskin Robbins, you name it.

But is this particular person's actions, and those she risks infecting, any worse? At least her Johns assume some risk when they do business with her, whether she tells them she's HIV positive or not. You don't get that luxury when someone next to you lights up a cigarette, or you're meeting a car on the street when the driver's BAL is 0.12%. Forcing her into treatment not only deprives her of the ability to live her life the way she chooses, but also those that would chose to utilize her services. Yeah, it's depressing, dehumanizing, degrading and illegal, but it's not any worse just because she's HIV positive, is it?

That's the same as padlocking McDonald's because you know that the very next BigMac you buy is going to be the one that causes your heart attack. It's absurd. Yes, it's legal (for now) to sell hamburgers, but it's also legal to have HIV. It's not legal to sell sex or cocaine, so I really don't understand where the dilemma is coming from.

What makes this particular case interesting is that HIV/AIDS is currently incurable, so the case has the potential to detain T.T. indefinitely without a conviction for a crime, she said.

Ok, so I stand corrected. Prostitution and cocaine aren't illegal in Amarillo. My mistake.

"She has a 100-percent right to refuse treatment, but she does not have a right to be a danger to society," Bard said.

See, this is where I get confused. I understand the impacts to public health, but it's statements like "does not have a right to be a danger to society" that cause me concern. Smoking and drinking are the two most obvious examples of other "dangers to society," so what are they going to ban next? Running with scissors in your hands?

"If the facts of the case are true, she's just as dangerous as if she was running around with a knife.

I guess I set myself up for that one.

"The part that seems to be problematic, though, is the mandatory treatment. If she doesn't agree to stop spreading the disease, this could be a real standoff, and she could be locked up for life."

Locked up for life, huh? A woman that sells her body to support her drug habit that has a terminal illness. I guess there's a downside that I'm not imagining. But what do Amarillo health department officials really want for this poor lost soul?

"I believe that if this patient would go and get away from Amarillo and receive counseling for her addiction and self-esteem issues, she could have a chance to really improve her life."

So which is it? Do you want her to get counseling, or do you just want her to get out of Amarillo? And for the record, self-esteem issues aren't her biggest problem anymore.

Posted 9/25/2004 02:11:00 PM by Douglas

Why is there a Civil War Monument. . . in France?

American cannon blasts bellowed in the English Channel 140 years ago, and bloodied bodies lined the deck of a sinking Confederate ship. Teary onlookers watched in horror from the Normandy coast.

On June 19, 1864, far from battlefields at home, the USS Kearsarge hunted down and sank a dreaded Confederate raider in one of the most important naval battles of the U.S. Civil War - off the coast of France.

The Confederate State Ship Alabama today lies where it sank under 198 feet of swirling currents about 7 nautical miles off the French town of Cherbourg.

On Thursday, the Civil War Preservation Trust, an American nonprofit group, named this English Channel town a historic Civil War site - the first outside the United States. Officials dedicated a plaque commemorating the battle at the Cite de la Mer museum, which is exhibiting a cannon recovered from the Alabama.

Damn Yankees!

Posted 9/25/2004 02:07:00 PM by Douglas

It's so refreshing to see college kids getting involved in the political process. [Link 100% NSFW] The link is pretty funny, really. I liked the "I love Bush and Dick" reference, myself, but only for it's sophomoric double entendre. This is the kind of thing that happens when digitial cameras are on sale the same week the financial aid checks go out.

In a totally unrelated and apolitical side note, I've been a bush supporter for many years.

Posted 9/25/2004 02:04:00 PM by Douglas

Looking for a perfect way to waste your Saturday? Well look no further than this slightly NSFW (which means you'll only get slightly fired for looking at it at work) collection of band photographs affectionately labeled "The Hall of Douchebags." Every new band should be forced to look at this before they have their picture made in front of a brick wall.

For some reason, this one had me falling out of my chair.

Posted 9/25/2004 02:00:00 PM by Douglas

Take a look at this map and check out where al Qaeda isn't. [via TheAgitator]

Does this mean we're going to invade Australia next?

Posted 9/24/2004 05:42:00 PM by Douglas

Interesting article on intellectual property, and countries that ignore patents. Like Russia and the United States. But who is the bigger pirate, Arrrr?

Markets like this, found throughout Russia, have been a longstanding subject of diplomatic complaint. Washington contends Russian intellectual-property pirates cost the United States more than $1 billion a year.

Now Russia is striking back. A Russian industry and product designer are asserting that the United States has been abetting intellectual-property pirates to suit its own needs, by directing copies of Russian merchandise around the world.

The complaint is not about software or music. It makes no mention of movies or video games. It is about the Kalashnikov assault rifle, the most prolific firearm ever made.

That's right. Russia thinks that the United States is stealing their sainted rifle and giving it to the third world. China, call your office.

Let's forget for a second that the AK-47 was developed over 50 years ago, and any patent on its original design has long since expired. Let's even forget that the rifle is so simple that any village in the world that has a drill press, a lathe, and a thumbless, one armed man to operate them can throw together a Kalashnikov. Why would we make counterfeit AKs? The D.O.D. has lots of small arms contractors on the payroll that would love to make rifles for export. That's why Israel has more M-16s than they know what to do with (we give 'em to them).

So look out, Mozambique! You should have done a Russian patent search before you put the image of the Kalashnikov on your flag.

Just don't mess with this man's vodka.

Posted 9/24/2004 05:10:00 PM by Douglas

I'm not sure someone would take the time to program artificial intelligence for the web, but it's kinda interesting. It can read my mind, man.

I was thinking of 'beer', as I generally always am, and it didn't guess it at first. What's funnier, this showed up in the Contradictions:

Do most people use this daily? You said No, I say Probably.

I guess I'm not as much of a lush as I thought I was! Cool!

Posted 9/22/2004 06:23:00 PM by Douglas

Oh crap! Just when you think you're doing so well in this year's hurricane season, you turn on the TV and see this crap headed your way!

Since the hurricane gods are so angry at those that voted for Bush, Texans should have seen this thing coming.

Posted 9/22/2004 06:17:00 PM by Douglas

Great synopsis of the horrible quagmire we're in with America's drug war from, of course, TheAgitator.com. Short end: We spend $60 Billion on a drug war to try to keep $50 Billion worth of drugs out of our country, while incarcerating over half a million people in the process of trying to bring a product to a willing customer.

When is this lunacy going to end?

Posted 9/22/2004 06:06:00 PM by Douglas

We can finally put one issue behind us. The Super Bowl nipple-gate has finally reached some closure, and not a moment too soon.

Federal regulators today fined CBS a record $550,000 for Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction," which exposed the singer's breast during this year's Super Bowl halftime show in Houston.

The Federal Communications Commission voted unanimously to slap each of the 20 CBS-owned television stations with the maximum indecency penalty of $27,500. The total penalty of $550,000 is the largest fine levied against a television broadcaster. Most of the FCC's bigger fines have been against radio stations.

$550,000 for one partially exposed boobie in Houston??? Not since J. Howard Marshall hooked up with Anna Nicole has anyone paid so much to see a semi-nude hooter in the city limits of Houston.

If this keeps up, Houston titty bars are going to get a bad name. . .

Posted 9/22/2004 05:58:00 PM by Douglas

Looking for a short term, high paying weekend job with no obligations? Try volunteer organ donation.

Hey, you've got a spare kidney, anyway.

Posted 9/22/2004 05:52:00 PM by Douglas

I don't want to go nuts on the Houston bashing in one week, but I don't quite get this article.

Few things are sadder, leaf lovers may tell you, than fall in Houston, a city where, if you talk about the four seasons, people think you mean a hotel.

Step outside and the temperature's a crisp 90 degrees. Scan the trees for a hint of autumnal hue and you'll find green, green and still more relentless, eternal, wearying green. It's a feast for a leafhopper perhaps, but a fate guaranteed to break a leaf-peeper's heart.

So Houston doesn't have a wide array of fall foliage. It doesn't have snow, earthquakes, mudslides or Eskimo riots, either. Houston's pro/con columns may be pretty balanced (then again, they may not be) but how pointless is it to point out the lack of fall colors in the sub-tropics?

Does Allan Turner lament the lack of snowmen in Panama, too?

Posted 9/22/2004 05:43:00 PM by Douglas

If you haven't made a car payment in three months, maybe you should find a more opportune moment to retrieve your lipstick.

A 43-year-old woman is expected to recover from leg injuries suffered when a wrecker being used to repossess her car ran over her.

The incident happened just after 9 p.m. Tuesday in the 13700 block of Shirebrook in Sugar Land, where police said a wrecker driver was repossessing the woman's Dodge Intrepid. Investigators said that when the woman and others came out of the house and shouted for the driver to stop and allow her to retrieve belongings from the car.

The driver stopped, but police said when he started again, the woman fell and was run over by the back wheels of the tow truck.

So it was no surprise that the car was being repossessed, so dontcha think she'd have the really important things out of there by that point? Most repos aren't a surprise.

But I guess if you're car was repossessed and your legs were run over in the process, that would severely limit your mobility.

Posted 9/22/2004 05:40:00 PM by Douglas

Want a good indication that you might be beating your wife too much? She goes to court to ask to only be beaten once a week.

An Iranian woman, beaten every day by her husband, asked a court to tell him only to beat her once a week.

Maryam, the middle-age woman, said she did not want to divorce her husband because she loved him.

Just tell him to beat me once a week ... Beating is part of his nature and he cannot stop it," Maryam told the court.

The Tehran court found the man guilty and banned him from beating the wife, the paper said.

"If I do not beat her, she will not be scared enough to obey me," the husband said.

When I first saw this site (Thanks, long-time reader!) I thought it was an Iranian woman living in London. When I found out that this happened in Iran, my first reaction was: They let Iranian women in court? Next thing you know, they'll think that they're not property.

Damn feminists. . . .

Posted 9/21/2004 09:42:00 PM by Douglas

The Russian Space program was last seen on the corner with a cardboard sign that said "Will Launch for Food," the ISS is about to fall in on itself, and this is what the Russians are spending money on. A new shuttle??

The Russian Federal Space Agency (FSA) is working on the project to launch a new space shuttle called Kliper.

FSA deputy director Nikolai Moiseyev has told journalists that the Kliper project had been included in the federal space program for 2005-15. If the program is implemented successfully the first launch may take place in five years’ time, the official told the Itar-Tass news agency.

I guess the first question is pretty simple: Why? NASA is struggling to meet launch deadlines to get their (read: our) shuttle back into low-earth orbit, while opponents have asserted, and rightfully so, that we haven't received any significant science from LEO in 40 years.

So what the hell are the Rooskies doing to do with theirs, and were are they finding the rubles?

They must have some plans for it, or else they'd just dust off the plans for the Buran. The plans they stole from Rockwell back in the 70s.

The only Russian space shuttle project is known under the name Buran.

One Buran shuttle made an unmanned spaceflight in November 1988. It circled Earth twice, landed automatically and since then has more or less sat in storage at the Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan. Several other copies of the Russian shuttle were built as part of a test program and through the years have all become known by the name Buran. One of them is now used as an attraction in Moscow’s Gorky Park.

Hopefully they'll find a way to make this thing pay for itself. If not, Buran could use a replacement. As a rusting snackbar in Gorky Park.

Posted 9/21/2004 09:22:00 PM by Douglas

The laws of gravity continue, unabated

A man was found dead after falling from a trail in Grand Canyon National Park and landing about 500 feet below, a park spokeswoman said Monday.

Also, the laws of natural selection aren't going anywhere, either.

Posted 9/21/2004 08:49:00 PM by Douglas

What I love about the Amarillo Globe News. They can run this headline without even a hint of a chortle.

Donkey And Mule Show

That headline means something totally different in The Village Voice.

Posted 9/21/2004 08:48:00 PM by Douglas

These lists can be pretty silly, and I wouldn't link to it if I weren't guilty of occasionally using some of them at work. Highlights:

• I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

Just don't say them to anyone that matters. And who doesn't matter? Probably everyone.

Posted 9/21/2004 08:36:00 PM by Douglas

When you've got millions of people living in the Houston Metro area, I guess it's just a matter of time before someone pays an ad agency to try to promote it. So, after who knows how much money, this is what those ad wizards came up with: Houston: It's worth it. Maybe it's just me, but that seems pretty damn dumb. Worth what, exactly? Well, lucky for us, they have a place on the web site where every brain-dead yokel with a mouse and a modem can tell us exactly what Houston is worth. Some of my favourites:

• Because it’s not Dallas.
• In Houston the cockroaches only fly, in New York they pull up in a van.
• You don’t have to scrape hot weather off your windshield or shovel it from your driveway.
• 2 million people can’t be wrong…….can they?
• Because we actually find and produce the energy that Bostonians consume, but only whine about.
• Let’s admit it, fat people are happier people!
• Two words: Lone Star Beer
• You’re never more than a few feet away from a gas station or strip club!
• We have an abundant amount of massage parlors at competitive prices.
• You don’t have to shovel humidity!
• If Houston were a dog, she’d be a mutt with 3 legs, one bad eye, fleas the size of corn nuts, and buck teeth. Despite all that, she’d be the best dog you’ll ever know.

I think that last one would look excellent on a T-shirt.

Posted 9/21/2004 08:20:00 PM by Douglas

The Transportation Security Administration hard at work. Keeping America safe from the 70s folk singers.

A London-to-Washington flight was diverted to Maine on Tuesday when it was discovered passenger Yusuf Islam — formerly known as singer Cat Stevens — was on a government watch list and barred from entering the country, federal officials said.

Homeland Security Department spokesman Dennis Murphy identified the passenger as Islam. "He was interviewed and denied admission to the United States on national security grounds," Murphy said, and would be put on the first available flight out of the country Wednesday.

Officials had no details about why the peace activist might be considered a risk to the United States. Islam had visited New York in May to promote a DVD of his 1976 MajiKat tour.

One official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said Islam, 56, was identified by the Advanced Passenger Information System, which requires airlines to send passenger information to Customs and Border Protection's National Targeting Center. The Transportation Security Administration then was contacted and requested that the plane land at the nearest airport, that official said.

What do you have to do to get on the Advanced Passenger Information System list, and why is Cat Stevens, a.k.a. Yusuf Islam on it? Is he really a threat to national security?

When reached for a comment regarding his questioning while in custody of the TSA, Yusuf Islam made the following statement:

From the moment I could talk
I was ordered to listen
Now there's a way and I know
That I have to go, away.

If they were right, I'd agree
But it's them they know not me
Now there's a way, and I know
That I have to go, away.

I know, I have to go away.

See ya in Gitmo, Yusuf. Is that far enough for ya?

Posted 9/21/2004 07:55:00 PM by Douglas

So even with the two-piece, Miss America is in trouble.

Skimpy swimsuits, a shortened telecast and a last-woman-standing talent competition couldn't help Miss America's TV ratings. A record-low 9.8 million people watched Saturday's pageant, about 500,000 fewer than last year, continuing a trend that threatens the event's future on network television.

Broadcast by ABC, Miss America was television's most-watched program for the night, according to Nielsen Media Research, drawing a 6.4 rating and a 12 share.

Contestants showed more skin than ever, parading in stringy two-piece suits provided by sponsor Speedo, and master of ceremonies Chris Harrison tried to drum up suspense during eliminations by dragging out the announcements of which contestants would advance.

None of that could stem the loss of viewers for Miss America, whose ratings have declined in eight of the past 10 years.

More than 25 million viewers tuned in to the pageant in 1995.

Even though the 9.8 million viewers was a record low this year, it was the still the "most-watched" program for the night. I don't know crumb about TV ratings, but that's got to count for something, don't it, regardless of what the ratings were in 1995.

Well, maybe not, and as I've said before, who gives a shit? The fact that they can get almost 10 million viewers to watch this hog-calling contest is quite remarkable when you consider that cable offers up such a more diverse and perfunctory parade of jiggling boobies each and every night. Who, besides the "scholarship" contestant's families, cares about or watches this crap?

"It's time to look at Miss America for what it is — an event that is a symbol of a bygone era," said Rutgers University professor Steven Miller, a TV expert. "In order to compete against more modern shows, it needs to have a complete makeover."

Next year, it's going to be on HBO, and the Vaseline isn't just going to be used on their teeth.

But what an interesting libertarian footnote this is to American television. After years of attack from the feminists that have cried that pageants are demeaning to women, what finally (and hopefully) did them in? Bad ratings and low market share.

Long live the market!

Posted 9/20/2004 07:34:00 PM by Douglas

One order of world peace, coming right up:

Pop star Madonna called for world peace Sunday at a conference on Jewish mysticism, a highlight of her five-day pilgrimage to the Holy Land.

Israel hopes the star — the biggest pop celebrity to visit in years — will revive tourism battered by four years of Mideast violence, and government officials were on hand at a Tel Aviv hotel to share the spotlight, the glory and the photographs.

Aw shit, I thought you said whirled peas. My mistake. But seriously, I'm surprised there's any dissention left in the world tonight. Madonna has called for world peace. What's the freakin' hold up already?

And what is Israel thinking? Hitchin' their tourism wagon to her cart? Do they really want the people that listen to Madonna to show up in their country? What the hell are they going to do with all those gay men?

Posted 9/20/2004 07:24:00 PM by Douglas

Finally, CBS comes out and says the memos didn't pass the smell test. Can we please move on to things that have happened in this century? I could care less about Dan Rather's fragile ego.

Posted 9/20/2004 07:14:00 PM by Douglas

No, really, he can come in here. . . He's with me. He's my seeing eye pony. Be sure to check out the pictures link, too.

Posted 9/20/2004 07:04:00 PM by Douglas

Got some new links under the What's this? tag there on the left. They probably won't all stick around very long, but some of them sounded an awful lot like this place. We'll see.

Posted 9/19/2004 03:33:00 PM by Douglas

I've been trying to subdue the urge to bloviate about last night's Miss America pageant, but I can't hold it in any longer. Remember, folks, it's all about the scholarship.

Miss Alabama Deidre Downs, an aspiring doctor who put off medical school to compete for the Miss America crown, won it Saturday night.

Downs, 24, of Birmingham, Ala., outsmarted and outperformed 51 other women in a spiced-up version of the 83-year-old pageant that included a head-to-head showdown between the last two contestants.

The last time I checked a calendar, it was the 21st century. The fact that anyone other than the contestant's mothers gives a shit about this event should be a wake up call to all of the pageant's sponsors. And yes, I'm talking to both Maybeline and Tampax. So the big deal this year was they were all wearing a two-piece Speed-O? Uh, how else are you going to get people to watch this crap on TV? And by "people" I mean horny pubescents and even hornier middle-aged shut-ins.

Take a good look at these girls. What's the age requirement, 18-24? So why is it that most all of them look like unattractive 40+ year old women? Because that's a helluva make-up job that make a cute 20 year old look like an ugly 40 year old.

Maybe next year it'll be on HBO, and the swimsuit competition will be replaced with a pole dance. Why the hell not, eh? It's all for a good cause, right? But in the meantime, here she is, walking around in her drawers and high heels, your Miss America:

Posted 9/19/2004 03:07:00 PM by Douglas

If your son was going off to war in Iraq, would it be appropriate to have some hooch at his going away party? Well, if he's underage, you'd be wrong. [Hat tip, TheAitator.com]

When Eileen Barbour and husband Mark planned a send-off celebration for their high-school son's departure to serve in the military, somehow alcohol made the list of things to buy.

Mark, who like Eileen pleaded guilty to a Class A misdemeanor for contributing to the delinquency of a minor, must serve at least five days in the Hamilton County Jail as part of a sentence imposed last week. He also must serve 180 days of probation and perform 10 hours of community service work.

But none of this makes any sense, does it? Why is alcohol taxed at 50%? Why is this 18 year old kid going off to war in Iraq? Why is it illegal for his guardian to buy him alcohol? Why is it illegal for an 18 year old citizen, who is a legal adult and old enough to vote and pay taxes, too young to drink a beer? Probably because of people like this that throw a kegger then go to bed.

A high school teacher and her husband each face 41 counts of providing alcohol to a minor in connection with a party at their home involving more than 60 teenagers.

Sonia and Anselmo Ornelas surrendered to authorities at the Frio County Jail on Friday after learning officers were searching for them, Pearsall Police Chief Roland Hernandez said. They were released on $82,000 bond each.

41 counts? $82K bond, each? Geez, who'd they kill?

Posted 9/19/2004 02:49:00 PM by Douglas

In case you didn't get enough synchronized swimming during the olympics.

A solo : Virginie Dedieu of France performs during the solo exhibition at the Synchronized Swimming World Grand Prix in Yokohama, suburban Tokyo.

Solo synchronized swimming? What word doesn't belong in that sentence? And maybe it's just me, but she doesn't seem to be swimming at all.

Posted 9/19/2004 02:40:00 PM by Douglas

Arrrr! 'tis that time o'year agin, ye scurvy lubber. National Talk Like a Pirate day is here.

What kind of socks am I going to wear to work tomorrow?

Arrrrrrgyle!

Labels: Pirates

Posted 9/18/2004 05:39:00 PM by Douglas

All child-actors should read this.

The former child star was arrested and booked into the Oklahoma County jail Friday afternoon on drug possession charges, according to the Oklahoma County Sheriff's Department.

The Home Alone actor was processed at the jail around 6 p.m. CT; he posted $4,000 bail before his eventual release around 7:30 p.m., according to Oklahoma City Police Captain Jeffrey Becker.

Around 4 p.m. Friday, Culkin and a buddy were traveling down Interstate 44 in northeast Oklahoma City. The two New York City friends were pulled over for driving 70 mph in a 60 mph speed zone.

It's not significant that Macaulay "Home Alone" Culkin got busted for possession of weed, but what is significant is that no matter how long ago your hit movie was on the big screen, there will always be room in the papers for the story of your drug bust. And to make things worse, it happened in Oklahoma.

Posted 9/18/2004 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

Another day in beautiful League City.

Five people were hurt, one seriously, when a boat exploded today at the South Shore Harbour Marina in League City, police said.

Welcome to League City. Bring some sunscreen. And a helmet.

Posted 9/18/2004 05:23:00 PM by Douglas

This is exactly why I love Yahoo news. Stories like this.

A Spanish man tried to have his wife charged with domestic abuse because she refused to have sex with him on five consecutive days, Spanish newspaper El Sur reported on Friday.

The middle-aged man from Seville -- the city of Don Juan and Carmen -- said her refusals amounted to "degrading treatment" and domestic abuse, a term used more often to describe wife-battering.

No joke, here. This sort of thing just writes itself.

Posted 9/18/2004 05:21:00 PM by Douglas

How not to merge onto I-45 in Houston.

Three vehicles were involved in the accident, police said. The driver who was killed was in a four-door Honda and entered the northbound lanes of the North Freeway by driving through the grass separating the freeway from the service road.

The Honda then apparently struck an 18-wheeler and then an Isuzu Rodeo.

The force of the collisions resulted in the Honda ending up back on the service road. The driver was killed instantly, police said.

Darwin, call your office.

Posted 9/18/2004 05:13:00 PM by Douglas

Don't give your cat ear mite medication intended for horses. this might happen.

Dr. Sue Burkhart helps her cat C.C. make the first cut of the cat's birthday cake at Animal Medical Center in Ontario on Friday afternoon. C.C., who is celebrating her first birthday, used to stand for "Coma Cat," but it now stands for "Clinic Cat" since she has recovered from a drug-induced coma that took the life of her brother early this spring. The animals' owner administered ear mite medicine intended for horses, and C.C. spent two weeks in a coma. She is fully recovered and spends most of her time in the center's waiting room. More than 30 staff and clients came for the lunch and party.

A cat, a crazy woman, and a knife. Why is it that I think the celebration is lost on the cat?

Also, why is that other crazy woman holding a poodle in the background?

I'm not a religious man, but something about this picture makes me think that this is exactly the sort of thing that makes God angry.

Posted 9/16/2004 07:30:00 PM by Douglas

Damn these stupid internet polls!!! But given the chance to determine which New York Times columnists you are, who could resist? At first, I thought I was that black guy with glasses that smokes that they had to fire because he made everything up. Imagine my surprise to find out I'm Bill Safire. Who knew?


You are William Safire! You're ruthless and
cunning, and a conservative demigod. You used
to write speeches for Nixon. Now you write
another column on the English language which
has made you the world's most popular
etymologist. You hate media deregulation, but
love the Bush administration. If only you
weren't such a brilliant writer. You bastard.


Which New York Times Op-Ed Columnist Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Here's the complete list of winners. . I mean losers.

Also, you may not know Stephen Tobolowsky by name, but you've seen him.

Posted 9/14/2004 06:50:00 PM by Douglas

The über-truck is getting more ink, but I liked this line from International Truck spokesman Rob Swim:

"If you brought this truck to the playground, you'd be king of the dirt pile."

Yeahhhhh! That's why I want to drop $100K on a pickup! It's good to be the king. . . if only of a dirt pile. Of course, you can't beat the fark.com tag on the subject:

If Hummer drivers are compensating, here's a truck for a man with an innie

Hardy har har.

Posted 9/14/2004 06:14:00 PM by Douglas

Shamelessly pilfered from TheAgitator.com today, but this was just so sweet it made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. A 12 year old girl is standing up for the wretched condition of her Jr. High school by writing her Senator to remove the Coke machines. She doesn't want Sen. Leahy to physically remove the machine, of course, but rather with some sort of bloviated legislation that will take care of everyone in her school that can't seem to say no to a Pespi commercial. It's not like she trying to really clean out her school of guns, drugs, or even worse, Democrats. But Soda?

"I want the vending machines turned off during lunch on all school grounds—it is that simple," Leahy said on the Senate floor. "I am tired of major soft drink companies trying to take school lunch money away from children."

Jenny, I'd like you to meet free-will. Free-will. . this is Jenny. You two have a lot to talk about.

"Last year in health class the teacher taught us what soda does to your bones. There is 2% of calcium in your bones, 1% in your teeth, the other 1% is in your blood. Soda robs your bones of calcium.

"Once I learned that, I stopped drinking soda altogether. Now I only drink water, milk, and once in a while juice. I’m in 6th grade now and I haven’t had soda for over a year!"

Great for you, Jenny! Good to hear that you're paying attention in health class. Also, hang on to that copy of the Congressional record. You'll be explaining this story to a therapist in about 15 years when you're still living in the women's collective and can't figure out why you're still single and no one will publish your book of feminist poetry.

Posted 9/14/2004 06:00:00 PM by Douglas

It's about time that the government did something to protect us from ourselves and our cars.

In an effort to prevent child deaths, the government is requiring automakers to install safer switches on power windows by 2008.

Officials with the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration announced the requirement yesterday in Columbus, Ohio, with Senator Mike DeWine, Republican of Ohio, who pushed for the change. The regulation aims to help prevent a child's head or limb from being caught in a power window, said Dr. Jeffrey Runge, NHTSA chief.

The rule would outlaw toggle switches, which rock back and forth, in all vehicles sold in the United States by Oct. 1, 2008. Automakers can replace them with several different designs, including switches that are flush with the armrest and require the occupant to lift up to close the window.

Preventing child deaths. Ok, is there going to be anyone opposing this one? If two switches cost about the same, do the same job, but one is inherently safer than the other, is that really a decision? What's the problem? Kids being left in cars unattended by their parents? Well, actually, it is. The Father of this Ohio Legislation (and a girl that died in a car window) is pushing for all cars to be better baby sitters by the year 2008.

But if a car is now going to be a safe place to leave you children alone during the day, how 'bout a night out drinking? Is tomorrow's car going to be safer then? You betcha! At least in New Jersey if this bill becomes law.

ASSEMBLY, No. 2631
STATE OF NEW JERSEY
211th LEGISLATURE
INTRODUCED MAY 3, 2004
Sponsored by:
Assemblyman PATRICK DIEGNAN, JR.
District 18 (Middlesex)
Assemblyman JOSEPH V. EGAN
District 17 (Middlesex and Somerset)
Co-Sponsored by:
Assemblyman Wisniewski
SYNOPSIS: Requires all new passenger automobiles to be equipped with ignition interlock devices after 2009.

Say huh?!? And their not alone, as New Mexico and New York are after the same thing. (No word yet as to the drafting of New Hampshire's bill). But what the heck? Interlock devices have been mandatory for those convicted of DWIs that paid the court costs to retain their driver's license for commuting to work, but for everyone? I can only imagine what this would do to MADD's funding if every little old lady who's lips have never touched the demon alcohol had to lean over in their car and blow on a tube before it would start.

I just don't know if I feel safe having a car in my home anymore. It might be time to trade it in for an recently unbanned assault weapon.

Posted 9/13/2004 06:39:00 PM by Douglas

It's a felony to spit in a cop's coke?

Two young men face felony charges after one of them allegedly spat in a drink he was serving to an East Texas police officer.

Brian Strban, 19, and Nathaniel Allen Baker, 22, were workers at a Lufkin Sonic Drive-In where the incident allegedly happened Sept. 3, according to a police affidavit.

Both were arrested last week and charged with second-degree felony tampering with a consumer product. If convicted, both could be sentenced to 20 years in prison and fined up to $10,000, The Lufkin Daily News reported in its online editions today.

Puerile and pointless? Yes, but a felony? I think that may be a bit much. Sounds like this is the kind of thing that we can expect more of when Super Troopers makes it way to cable. But wait, there's more:

According to the affidavit, the officer ordered a soft drink, but when he received the beverage he noticed several workers inside the kitchen laughing. The police officer, who was not identified, opened the drink and noticed what appeared to be phlegm floating on the surface.

The affidavit says lab tests confirmed his suspicions. It alleged that Strban planned the prank after recognizing the officer as one who had interrupted him and his girlfriend having a romantic interlude at a local parking spot. According to the affidavit, Strban has acknowledged encouraging Baker to spit in the drink

A romantic interlude? Sounds like he got bused makin' out with his girlfriend, and tried to exact revenge the only way he could. But how can they be sure who's phlegm it was?

Police say both suspects have given DNA samples, but no test results have been disclosed.

There's such a lack of crime in East Texas that they're DNA testing loogies? Geez. It's a pretty disgusting thing to do, but those two punks need their asses kicked. Not jail time. We need to save those jail cells in the TDCJ for those bored teenagers that are doing much worse things to our nation's fast-food supply.

Posted 9/13/2004 06:27:00 PM by Douglas

What every soccer-mom is going to be driving this year.

POSSIBLY TOO MUCH TRUCK. LIKE THAT’S A PROBLEM.
Your eyes don’t deceive you. It’s a pickup truck. From International. Which makes it much more than a pickup truck. It’s an International®7300 CXT – born out of the proven International 7300 severe service truck used by professionals for the most rugged applications.

So you get all the attributes of a commercial truck – but you don’t need a commercial driver’s license to drive it.*

The legendary International®DT 466 diesel engine provides up to 6 tons of hauling power.**The air-ride cab and seats provide an exceptionally smooth ride. And [sic] aspacious and well-appointed interior ensures automotive-like comfort and convenience.

Don't get me wrong. I'm sure there are some folks that could really take advantage of the utility of this vehicle (the sport remains to be seen). But I don't think that's who they are targeting the marketing at. Just like I laugh when I see the total lack of practicality, utility and safety at a Hummer driving down the freeway, an executive at International said, "man, we're really missing the boat on this one. We need to get our behemoth out there before gas hits $3.399 a gallon."

Or something like that.

Posted 9/13/2004 05:43:00 PM by Douglas

My greatest fear about the expiration of the assult-weapons ban is that the idiot anti-gun (redundant?) crowd will think that this so-called heroic piece of legislation Clinton passed was actually meaningful. If they discover it for the paper tiger it was, they they'll really get their dander up.

The decade-long U.S. ban on assault weapons expired Monday. The measure, signed by President Clinton, had outlawed 19 types of military-style assault weapons, banned certain features on firearms such as bayonet mounts, and limited ammunition magazines to 10 rounds.

Well that's just it. It banned certain features on a few rifles, but not the rifles themselves. So all you had to do was, and I know this is a stroke of pure genius, is remove these features! And really, who cares if their rifle has a bayonet lug and/or a flash suppressor? It still shoots just the same.

For one thing, the gun industry says, weapons very similar to those banned have been legally available over the past decade. Also, because of a grandfather clause in the 1994 law, assault weapons or ammunition clips that were manufactured before the ban took effect could still be legally sold over the past 10 years.

So for the past decade, what was known as a "pre-ban weapon", which was still perfectly legal in purchased before 1994, will now go back to just being called a "weapon." Thanks again, Bill. You're groundbreaking work to outlaw inanimate objects has shown to be completely meaningless.

But hardest hit from the expiration? All the gun dealers that were hoarding pre-ban weapons and high capacity magazines that could sell them for sometimes double their face value. These guys are going to have to get a real job now.

Posted 9/13/2004 05:40:00 PM by Douglas

Since I heard this song today, I've been trying to pry it from my brain.

I've decided that an icepick is the only way.

Posted 9/10/2004 04:44:00 PM by Douglas

So the anti-gun nuts at the Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence sued a pawn shop and the manufacturer in the case of the D.C. area sniper of 2002, and they settled today for $2.5 Million.

The company that made the Bushmaster rifle used in the Washington-area sniper killings and a gun shop that lost track of the firearm agreed to pay $2.5 million to victims in what lawyers said on Thursday was an unprecedented settlement.

The payout for eight victims of the October 2002 shootings was the first of its kind by a gun manufacturer accused of negligent distribution of firearms, said Daniel Vice, an attorney with the Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence, which brought the lawsuit on behalf of the victims.

What kind of pawn shop is going to be able to pay a $2 Million settlement? Why doesn't the Brady Center just come out and say it: They want to bankrupt anyone that makes or sells guns.

It wasn't about money. It was about making a statement that you have to be responsible in the way you carry on your business, if you are going to sell such lethal weapons to the general public."

Well then I guess it really was about money. The message is if you're an idiot with an FFL and you "lose" a firearm, you're going to pay out the nose. It's all about the money. But what about Bushmaster? They didn't do anything wrong, did they? From all indication, they sold their product to a federally licensed dealer, who presumably met the requirements of a firearm dealer. Why are they on the hook for half a million bucks?

We felt the compassionate thing to do was give it to the victims’ families, not because we had to but because we wanted to. The Washington DC Brady Group should learn what compassion is really all about!

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but most companies don't just give out half a million dollars out of altruistic compassion. But I'm sleeping better knowing that none of their money went to the legal fees of the Brady Center.

Posted 9/10/2004 04:29:00 PM by Douglas

And to think that some people thought that Ahnuld wasn't going to be a real govenor. That he wasn't going to be able to push through realisitic, meaningufull legislation.

Having sex with corpses is now officially illegal in California after Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill barring necrophilia, a spokeswoman says.

The new legislation marks the culmination of a two-year drive to outlaw necrophilia in the state and will help prosecutors who have been stymied by the lack of an official ban on the practice, according to experts.

"Nobody knows the full extent of the problem. ... But a handful of instances over the past decade is frequent enough to have a bill concerning it," said Tyler Ochoa, a professor at Santa Clara University School of Law who has studied California cases involving allegations of necrophilia.

"Prosecutors didn't have anything to charge these people with other than breaking and entering. But if they worked in a mortuary in the first place, prosecutors couldn't even charge them with that," Ochoa said on Friday.

The state's first attempt to outlaw necrophilia, in response to a case of a man charged with having sex with the corpse of a 4-year-old girl in Southern California, stalled last year in a legislative committee.

Lawmakers revived the bill this year after an unsuccessful prosecution of a man found in a San Francisco funeral home drunk and passed out on top of an elderly woman's corpse.

The new law makes sex with a corpse a felony punishable by up to eight years in prison.

That is the nastiest shit I've read in a while. So, up 'till now, having sex with a 4-year old dead girl was perfectly legal in California if you worked at the morgue?!? What the hell is wrong with these people??

Follow up question: Why did this legislation stall in legislative committee last year? Who was opposing it? Even in California?

Posted 9/10/2004 03:39:00 PM by Douglas

Almost on cue, the ISS's oxygen generator has shut down, but this time appears to be a bit more serious than it's usually weekly hiccup.

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - The astronauts aboard the international space station got their broken oxygen generator running after three tries Friday, but the machine shut down again after barely an hour of operation.

Mission Control told the two crewmen that the generator would remain off over the weekend, to give engineers time to further analyze the problem.

What do you need oxygen in space for, anyhow?

Posted 9/10/2004 03:25:00 PM by Douglas

With all the things going on around the world and in this country that could be altered by this year's presidential election, this is the best thing we could come up with to talk about? A freakin' typewriter or a word processor? Who the hell cares about this shit?

Independent document examiner Sandra Ramsey Lines said the memos looked like they had been produced on a computer using Microsoft Word software. Lines, a document expert and fellow of the American Academy of Forensic Sciences, pointed to a superscript — a smaller, raised "th" in "111th Fighter Interceptor Squadron" — as evidence indicating forgery.

Microsoft Word automatically inserts superscripts in the same style as the two on the memos obtained by CBS, she said.

"I'm virtually certain these were computer generated," Lines said after reviewing copies of the documents at her office in Paradise Valley, Ariz. She produced a nearly identical document using her computer's Microsoft Word software.

It's like a bad SNL sketch that just goes on forever and won't end.

We've got millions of Boomers about to retire that are going to collapse our federal treasury system, open borders allowing free entry to as many illegals as possible, 3,000 dead civilians from the first domestic attack since 1812, and the legions of the empire are spread paper thin around the globe invading a sovereign nation for what turned out later very specious reasoning.

So why is it the only war these knuckleheads want to talk about is the one that happened 30 years ago?

Posted 9/10/2004 03:21:00 PM by Douglas

Long-time readers seem to have confused my recent Bush-wacking as support of his opposition. Nothing could be further from the truth, and while I'm don't support Kerry, either, I do believe both candidates have equally repugnant records on say, everything of consequence that has happened since 1973. But, in the interest of equal time, I'll link to a particularly scathing op-ed about Kerry. Apparently, this article was written by a cranky old man that can typically be seen yelling at kids to "stay of his lawn!"

Posted 9/10/2004 03:15:00 PM by Douglas

More junk on organic food.

There's little real evidence that organic food is any healthier than the non-organic variety. That 'feelgood factor' has as much to do with the statement people are making by buying organic. People just seem to know that organic is better, even if they are unlikely to be able to justify why.

We all know organic is supposed to mean when we see the produce at the store: Chemical free. But it's not. To be certified organic (and I have no idea who certifies such things) meat and vegetables only have to be below a certain level of chemical pesticides and herbicides. So if spending more for food makes you feel better about the world around you, I say by all means go for it, because that sense of self awareness is probably the only advantage you're receiving.

Posted 9/09/2004 05:18:00 PM by Douglas

Some pretty cool picts of yesterday's ooops.

Let's see, if an ocean landing would damage all the science onboard, what makes me think that this landing probably farked everything up?

Posted 9/09/2004 05:13:00 PM by Douglas

I never get tired of this map. We're two months out, and it's looking like a close one, I don't care what these morons say. 535 to 3?? Wake up, fools.

Posted 9/09/2004 05:10:00 PM by Douglas

Is organic food any better for you than say, normal food? Probably not.

Organic-only food marketing is a tricky business. Take a product that offers no health benefits over conventional fare, is considerably more expensive, and can carry a greater risk of food borne illness. Clearly, some carefully crafted spin is needed, but how do you pull it off? If you're Theresa Marquez, marketing director for Organic Valley Farms, you attempt to turn your product into a social movement. This morning Marquez announced the creation of something called the "Earth Dinner," an attempt to turn Earth Day into a "new holiday tradition." Marquez claims this green Thanksgiving of sorts is meant to "emphasize community over commerce." But before you carve the overpriced meat and pass the organic sprouts (hold the E. coli), there are a few things you might want to know.

But if paying more for a label makes you feel better, hey, go ahead.

Posted 9/08/2004 08:19:00 PM by Douglas

This study sounds like a lot of bullshit to me, but it might actually explain a few things.

A five-year study run by Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction proves what many in the scientific community have always suspected: having children significantly lowers the IQ of both male and female parents.

In every single one of the 173 cases, both parents scored at least twelve points lower on the second IQ test, with the majority of parents losing twenty or more IQ points.

It might explain why people with kids at the airport have to wait 'till they get in the middle of the door before they stop and look around, thus blocking everyone that wants to walk past them.

It might also explain why people with a kid have a second kid. Thanks, mom&dad!

Posted 9/08/2004 08:14:00 PM by Douglas

Ooops!

Posted 9/08/2004 08:11:00 PM by Douglas

Never underestimate the ability of Bush to step on his tongue.

"We've got an issue in America. Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."

What kind of love are you talkin' 'bout, George?

Posted 9/08/2004 07:54:00 PM by Douglas

Just when you think you know an elephant, they up and die of some venereal disease.

The 13-year-old female Asian elephant that died Monday at the Houston Zoo had no visible internal defects, boosting suspicion that her death probably was caused by a viral or bacterial infection.

One likely culprit could be elephant herpes virus. Kimba's sister Singgah died Jan. 1, 2000, of the virus as did three other elephants born at the Houston Zoo and shipped to other facilities. All were Kimba's siblings.

This should come as a surprise to no one. Anyone that knew Kimba knew what a slut she was. Always whorin' around all the other elephants. It was just a matter of time.

Posted 9/07/2004 09:24:00 PM by Douglas

This antique rocket was verticle just last week. I swear:

Hang on, Florida. It ain't over yet.

Posted 9/07/2004 09:13:00 PM by Douglas

Robert Earl Keen is a freakin' genius.

"I understand why lizards live in sunny Arizona
but why people do and call it home
I'll never understand"

Has this man ever been wrong?

Posted 9/07/2004 02:04:00 PM by Douglas

It's Tuesday. Time for the obligatory Gatisima picture.

Labels: gatisima

Posted 9/01/2004 07:07:00 PM by Douglas

Just say that it was a botany experiment:

Second-grade teacher charged with growing pot

A second-grade teacher in this small West Texas town has been arrested on charges alleging she had 21 marijuana plants growing in her back yard.

Have you ever dealt with a room full of twenty screamin' seven year olds? 'Cause if everyone had to do it, pot would be legal.

Posted 9/01/2004 07:06:00 PM by Douglas

Just love the headline on this one:

Ex-mayor accused of raiding till to pay psychic

Former Mayor Diana Cortez and a former city bookkeeper were arrested Tuesday on embezzlement charges accusing them of using federal funds to pay for thousands of dollars worth of psychic consultations.

Man, too bad they didn't see that coming. . . what a crappy psychic.

Posted 9/01/2004 06:52:00 PM by Douglas

It's good to be home. Not much going on at KSC this week other than plywood purchasing and evacuation. I was intending to stay gone (from the Blog) for longer, but story shouldn't fall between the cracks.

One homeless man's vendetta against conditions at The Salvation Army in Amarillo has led to a policy change at the shelter.

And that's where the story gets complicated.

Ok, hit me!

Tony Foster, a homeless man who has spent several nights at the Salvation Army's Harrington Hope Center, has lodged several complaints against the agency, citing everything from moldy food to lack of soap in the showers.

I don't mean to sound cold, and I'm glad there are charities out there to help this kind of person, but how do you get the balls to complain about charity? Is he mad because they didn't leave a mint on his pillow, too?

He also fired off e-mails to Salvation Army's state and national divisions saying the staff was giving preferential treatment to homeless volunteers.

Nothing odd about that, is there? Unless you're trying to figure out how a homeless person has a freakin' email address. They can't receive snail mail, but they have email? I had no idea that cardboard boxes were equipped with dialup. What am I saying, it's probably DSL.

"Volunteers are not supposed to receive any material compensation," Foster's Web site reads. "This is somewhat misleading when you see the volunteers eating all the choice food ..."

He's got a website, too? I guess they're like assholes now, aren't they? Everyone's got one.

It sounds like there's more to this story, but in the end, who suffers? The people that actually rely on the services this charity provides. Meanwhile, the whiner that screwed it all up for everyone else has done nothing but ensure everyone is on the same level. Bravo, Tony.

Oh, but there's more:

As part of his philosophy to help people become self-sufficient, Wheeler said he is developing new job-training programs, including life skills, cooking and computer classes.

Computer classes? Ya don't say? Maybe that one backfired on them this time, ya think? Also:

Foster could not be reached for comment.

Well where the hell was he? He's homeless, for crumb's sake. Did anyone check the dumpster in the alley? I know. . .he's in the computer lab. I bet he's got a blog.

Asshole.

Posted 9/01/2004 06:24:00 PM by Douglas

Was there ever a better time to leave central Florida?