Posted 12/29/2009 02:42:00 PM by Douglas

Great article on why we can't, as a nation, make anything anymore. Great in the fact that I had this exact discussion with my dad (hi, dad!) over Christmas. Managers don't know how to make anything anymore, they just know how to "manage." Managing people may be the same no matter where you go, but making ketchup and jet engines might, oh I don't know, require a different skill set. Well read this.

In some sense, it’s the result of broad historical and economic forces. Up until World War I, the archetypal manufacturing CEO was production oriented—usually an engineer or inventor of some kind. Even as late as the 1930s, business school curriculums focused mostly on production. Khurana notes that many schools during this era had mini-factories on campus to train future managers.

And now they don't. A "manager" can go from a steak knife factory to an aircraft factory to a roller skate factory without ever learning how to cut metal. Fuck your MBA, guess who is learning this? They speak Chinese.

Posted 12/29/2009 02:33:00 PM by Douglas

So why is Christmas on the 25th of December? It's gotta be because that's when Jesus was really born, right?

So, almost 300 years after Jesus was born, we finally find people observing his birth in midwinter. But how had they settled on the dates December 25 and January 6?

There are two theories today: one extremely popular, the other less often heard outside scholarly circles (though far more ancient).

The most loudly touted theory about the origins of the Christmas date(s) is that it was borrowed from pagan celebrations. The Romans had their mid-winter Saturnalia festival in late December; barbarian peoples of northern and western Europe kept holidays at similar times.

Guess what, Christians, that tree in your house is pretty pagan, too.

Posted 12/26/2009 04:48:00 PM by Douglas

The TSA, which stands for "Thousands Standing Around, further exemplified their lack of imagination, ignorance and incompetence (possibly all three) in reacting to the latest idiot trying to light something on an airplane. What happened?

The terror suspect who tried to blow up a Detroit-bound plane is the son of a Nigerian banker who alerted U.S. authorities to his "extreme religious views" months ago, it was reported Saturday.

When he tried to ignite powder strapped to his leg with a a [sic] chemical-filled syringe, he was tackled by a heroic passenger aboard Northwest Flight 253.

The last time this happened, the TSA reacted (in some airports) by making everyone take off their shoes. So how are they reacting this time?

Among other steps being imposed, passengers on international flights coming to the United States will apparently have to remain in their seats for the last hour of a flight without any personal items on their laps. Overseas passengers will be restricted to only one carry-on item aboard the plane, and domestic passengers will probably face longer security lines.

It's remarkable that anyone would consider these steps anything more than an annoyance. What's magical about the last hour of the flight? If someone's going to blow up the plane, why heighten security on the plane for the last half hour? The only way this is going to make anyone safer is if the terrorists are really impatient people that don't want to waste several hours in airport security.

Posted 12/24/2009 01:20:00 PM by Douglas

Colbert's brilliant reaction to his performance at the 2006 White House Correspondent's dinner. I was wondering how he walked into that lion's den and stayed in character.

When the dinner was over, "I don't think I'm dying. I go to sit down and nobody's meeting my eye. Only [the late journalist-turned-White House spokesman] Tony Snow comes over and says I'm doing a great job." Then Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia came his way and told him he was brilliant.

"I said, oh, s-, don't let me like Antonin Scalia!"

Wondering what exit he should use, Colbert recalls being approached by actor Harry Lennix, whom he knew from their days at Northwestern University. Colbert indicated that he sensed some of the audience wasn't happy. "And he [Lennix] said, 'f- these people."

Don't go in front of that audience and pull any punches. Colbert went with both barrels loaded and came out like a champ.

Posted 12/24/2009 12:56:00 PM by Douglas

I hate soccer.

"Fundamentally, what they sought in the New World was freedom to practice any sport they wished," historian and author Bruce Wright said. "The Pilgrims thought people should not be forced to conform to one single game, especially one in which the hands went unused."

"We must keep in mind what these radical Puritans believed about idle hands," Wright added. "They saw nothing to dissuade them from the idea that soccer was the devil's workshop."

Yep, that's about right.

Posted 12/20/2009 06:47:00 PM by Douglas

It's been a decade, but it's good to see that I'm not the only one that hasn't forgiven Geroge Lucas for fucking up my childhood and one of the best movie franchises in history. Check this out. Seven parts, 10 minutes, each, but it's hysterical. The key point:

Never again will something be so wildly anticipated, or a bigger disappointment.

After almost 20 years, dorks were literally lined up around the block to get one sip of whatever was falling out of Lucas' teat. Little did they know it was such errant crap. But this line really sums up why I hate these CGI-fest movies:

The new movies are about shoving as much crap into each shot as possible.

Exactly. Why do they think that giving the audience ADHD is a good thing?

Posted 12/18/2009 08:00:00 PM by Douglas

Hey Mizzou, tired of getting beat by powerhouses like Oklahoma State, Nebraska and Baylor? Maybe you need to head to the Big Ten.

The University of Missouri should consider leaving the Big 12 and joining the Big Ten Conference if it gets an offer to do so, Gov. Jay Nixon said Friday.

The Big Ten said this week that it will be exploring over the next 12-18 months whether to expand its membership. It did not mention which schools it might add, if it decided to do so.

Don't let the Big 12 hit ya where the good lord split ya, Mizzou.

Posted 12/18/2009 07:53:00 PM by Douglas

Almost a decade ago, the wife and I bought a house that "needed some work," first and obviously not foremost, the floors. At some point she said "let's put down some tile" to which I acquiesced, not knowing any better. In the shadow of the constant media coverage of the 9/11 attacks, we tiled the bathroom with the help of our neighbor. Two years later, this gave us the encouragement we needed to embark on what was dubbed The Great Tiling Project of Aught Three. "Great," in this instance, implies that every corner of our modest domicile was going to be covered with the finest ceramic tile The Home Despot had to offer. And so it began.

The Great Tiling Project of Aught Three started with much fanfare and enthusiasm, but after moving every single stick of furniture from one room to the next, we soon ran out of steam. Then we got new furniture. The only room omitted from this project was the kitchen, and since it already had tile, of sorts, it became less of a priority. Then The Great Tiling Project of Aught Three turned into Aught four. Now, five years after that, here we are.

All I can say now is that it's done, and other than a lot of Portland cement embedded in my nostrils, all I have to show for it is this bucket. I don't have anything to direct my anger or lack of energy towards, so this bucket will have to do:

This bucket has been there from the beginning. Several tons of mortar and grout have been mixed in this very bucket since 2001, but today it's over. I'm done with you. We're breaking up. I've mixed my last bag of mud within your orange walls. Take a look; I'm not even going to bother to rinse that last bit of grout out of your bottom. I don't care. I hope it dries in you like a fucking brick.

I'm not even going to rise off that $3 grout spreader I bought this week. It's over.

But, and I do realize. My mud-mixing days may not be over. I may have to mix some mud sometime before I leave this good Earth. Hell, I may even set up some grout for some reason. But you know what? I'm not going to be mixing it in this fucking bucket!

So farewell. Enjoy the rest of eternity in the landfill, with four pounds of "summer wheat" grout in your ass. Though you have served me well, you are being cast aside like a used bucket, with a decade of grout remnants stuck to your innards.

I'll see you in hell, bucket.

Posted 12/18/2009 03:20:00 PM by Douglas

Hey, what is usury, anyway?

Of course, this patently ignores the history of how decisions have been made in the church - a primary example being usury. The argument I make here is not that since the church has changed its mind without theological justification on usury that it MUST do so in regards to sexuality. I simply argue that to claim that the church cannot debate this issue with some prospect for change due to some idea of the immovability of tradition is a argument based in a misreading of church history. I believe we are facing a decision of what to "bind" and what to "loose" (Matt 18:18) and that what we need is debate, not a shouting match.

I looked it up. "Ecumenical council" means "shouting match" with people in funny hats in robes. Possibly even a Snuggie or two. But the question is, does God need to be involved with every loan? Should I consult the divine if I purchase a new washer on my credit card? I think Polonius said it best:

Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Just don't hide behind the tapestry when the crazy dude is talkin' to his mom.

Posted 12/17/2009 01:30:00 PM by Douglas

Is someone actually listening to Ron Paul? Holy shit!

No one would have been surprised if the Lake Jackson congressman had slipped off the political radar after his 2008 quixotic bid for the presidency, his ambitions for higher office thwarted.

But Paul has refused to go out to the political pasture to live in comfortable irrelevance. As odd as it may seem, he has become one of the most influential Republicans in a capital city dominated by liberal Democrats.

The subject that has brought him to prominence is the same issue that subjected him to ridicule from establishment Republicans for years: his long-standing opposition to the nation's monetary system and the Federal Reserve Board that prints money and controls its supply.

In the House, Paul was ignored by Democrats and marginalized by Republicans. He was punished for the very views that earn him so much adulation today.

I find it hilarious that when the Republicans (Neo-cons) held the White House and both houses of Congress, they treated Paul your crazy uncle that has a pony tail, drives a gremlin and dates strippers. Now that the tea-baggers think it's oh so revolutionary to have a contrarian position, Paul is the poster boy for speaking out against the man. Further proof that no one is concerned with "the man" keeping them down as long as "their man" is in charge.

Labels: Ron Paul

Posted 12/17/2009 01:20:00 PM by Douglas

I just love stories like this. This precious, precious little snowflake is such a free spirit. Why should he have to follow the rules if he doesn't want to? He is four, after all.

Prekindergartner Taylor Pugh likes his floppy hair just how it is: long on the front and sides, covering his earlobes and shirt collar.

But his long locks violate the dress code in his suburban Dallas school district. So Taylor again Wednesday found himself facing in-school suspension, sitting in a library with a teacher's aide while his friends played and learned together in a classroom.

"They kicked me out that place," said Taylor, 4, who prefers the nickname Tater Tot. "I miss my friends."

They kicked you out for disobeying the rules, tater tot. The world's not out to get you just because you don't get to do everything you want. And besides that, you're four fucking years old. You "want" long hair? I bet you want to eat nothing but candy all day and poop in the bath tub, too. Does mom let you do that? Let's hear from mom [I wish I were making this up] Elizabeth Taylor:

Elizabeth Taylor, Taylor's mother, said her son is "an individual. He wants his long hair."

Yep. Tater tot does get everything he wants. Why is that mean old school district picking on this free spirit?

It appears the school district "is more concerned about his hair than his education," said Taylor's father, Delton Pugh. "I don't think it's right to hold a child down and force him to do something ... when it's not hurting him or affecting his education."

Of course not. Children should be allowed to do whatever they want, whenever they want to, and if that conflicts with the rules and standards of society that we as human beings have been cultivating for several millennia, you should always side with the four year old.

At what point did the delineation between children and adults completely evaporate?

Posted 12/16/2009 11:25:00 AM by Douglas

FINALLY! Looks like the check, as a form of payment, if finally going the way of the do-do

After more than three centuries, the humble check is set to become a historic relic after British banks voted to phase it out in favor of more modern payment methods.

The board of the UK Payments Council, the body for setting payment strategy in Britain, agreed on Wednesday to set a target date of October 31, 2018 for winding up the check clearing system. The board is largely made up of Britain's leading banks.

"There are many more efficient ways of making payments than by paper in the 21st century, and the time is ripe for the economy as a whole to reap the benefits of its replacement," Paul Smee, the council chief executive, said in a statement.

2018?!? That seems like a long way away, and I'm sure by that time even your babysitter and your Mexican gardener will accept pay-pal, but hey, it's a start!

Posted 12/16/2009 11:21:00 AM by Douglas

Remember how short we were on that pig flu vaccine and how critical it was to protect those most susceptible to the certain death that was, pig flu? Well, turns out the vaccine didn't work.

Hundreds of thousands of swine flu shots for children have been recalled nationwide because tests indicate the vaccine doses lost some strength, government health officials said.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention officials said there is no reason to revaccinate children who received the weakened doses, but it stressed that children younger than 10 need a second dose of the vaccine 30 days after the first dose was received.

Sleep tight, America, the government is in control.

Labels: pig flu

Posted 12/16/2009 11:20:00 AM by Douglas

Boeing's new jet hit the air this week. The 787, and not a minute too soon.

Boeing's new 787 jetliner finally got airborne Tuesday, the long-delayed inaugural flight of the world's first commercial plane mostly constructed from lightweight composite materials.

The sleek jet lifted off from Everett's Paine Field on a flight over Washington state, beginning an extensive testing program needed to obtain Federal Aviation Administration certification.

Yay, newer, lighter, plastic airplane!

Posted 12/16/2009 11:05:00 AM by Douglas

After six years, all it took was a gay mayor to get Hurtt to resign. Good.

Houston Police Chief Harold Hurtt is planning to resign at the end of the year, two days before Mayor-elect Annise Parker takes office.

Hurtt, who has been Houston police chief for almost six years, confirmed Tuesday night that he told his command staff earlier in the day of his plans to resign Dec. 30 because of the changing administrations at City Hall.

“I'm sure everybody anticipated it,” Hurtt said of his command staff's reaction to the news. “They live in the real world. I'm sure HPD will survive without Harold Hurtt.”

They sure can. Too bad no one every claimed The Hurtt Prize.

Posted 12/15/2009 11:28:00 AM by Douglas

We all know Al Gore is not a scientist, and to me, that made him an unlikely champion for the cult of climate change. So what happens if the very scientists he relies on thinks he's taking his "drowned polar bear" message too far? Let's watch.

Mr Gore, speaking at the Copenhagen climate change summit, stated the latest research showed that the Arctic could be completely ice-free in five years.

In his speech, Mr Gore told the conference: “These figures are fresh. Some of the models suggest to Dr [Wieslav] Maslowski that there is a 75 per cent chance that the entire north polar ice cap, during the summer months, could be completely ice-free within five to seven years.”

Ah go on. . . .

However, the climatologist whose work Mr Gore was relying upon dropped the former Vice-President in the water with an icy blast.

“It’s unclear to me how this figure was arrived at,” Dr Maslowski said. “I would never try to estimate likelihood at anything as exact as this.”

Saying carbon dioxide may be a factor in global warming and that global warming may cause raising sea levels isn't nearly as polarizing as Gore making a movie saying your car's exhaust pipe is going to kill your grandmother. It's just hilarious, in spite of the sky-is-falling chicken littles at East Anglia that got caught fudging the number. When global warming's very own "Gore-Whore" says the data's not there to support such an imminent and disastrous outcome, how could that possibly give them a shred of credibility?

Labels: global warming

Posted 12/15/2009 11:18:00 AM by Douglas

I watched this show for a while, and it's pretty scary to see what kind of freak accidents happen to people, and how lucky they are to survive. Sometimes, however, people aren't that lucky:

Beaumont police say a 47-year-old Vidor (VY'-dur) woman died after a hunk of iron crashed through the windshield of her SUV.

Police say [Vidor woman] was northbound on Interstate 10 on Monday afternoon when a U-shaped piece of iron went through the windshield and struck her. Her vehicle hit a concrete barrier.

Police say Shirley died Monday night at a Beaumont hospital.

The source of the iron is sought.

What a horrible way to go.

Last time I checked, I-10 runs east-west. Also, that's for helping me out with pronouncing "Vidor." I wouldn't have figured that one out on my own.

The source of the iron is sought? Is it under intense police interrogation?

Posted 12/15/2009 11:05:00 AM by Douglas

The cutest damn dog video you'll see. There's a reason, even in the dog-world, that fathers don't eat their daughters: They're so damned cute!

Posted 12/14/2009 11:09:00 AM by Douglas

It's Christmas time, and the Lorax has already been to my house to decorate my Truffula Tree!

Posted 12/13/2009 04:54:00 PM by Douglas

The conspiracy of "big seed" is just started.

"We now believe that Monsanto has control over as much as 90 percent of (seed genetics). This level of control is almost unbelievable," said Neil Harl, agricultural economist at Iowa State University who has studied the seed industry for decades. "The upshot of that is that it's tightening Monsanto's control, and makes it possible for them to increase their prices long term. And we've seen this happening the last five years, and the end is not in sight."

At issue is how much power one company can have over seeds, the foundation of the world's food supply. Without stiff competition, Monsanto could raise its seed prices at will, which in turn could raise the cost of everything from animal feed to wheat bread and cookies.

What a brilliant business model. Now that your patent for the most effective herbacide on earth has expired, sell seeds that are resistant to that herbicide that now everyone is making.

I wonder if "controlling the world's food production for personal profit" has ever been considered evil?

Posted 12/09/2009 09:54:00 PM by Douglas

I'm not so concerned with congress taking this on because they should be doing more important things. It bothers me because they have absolutely zero authority to tell anyone how a national champion is determined in college football.

Dismissing complaints from some members that Congress had more pressing matters, a House subcommittee approved legislation Wednesday aimed at forcing college football to switch to a playoff system to determine its national champion.

"We can walk across the street and chew gum at the same time," said the subcommittee chairman, Illinois Democrat Bobby Rush, one of the bill's co-sponsors. "We can do a number of things at the same time."

The legislation, which still faces steep odds, would ban the promotion of a postseason NCAA Division I Football Bowl Subdivision game as a national championship unless it results from a playoff. The measure passed by voice vote in the House Energy and Commerce Committee's commerce, trade and consumer protection subcommittee, with one audible "no," from Rep. John Barrow, D-Ga.

Sure the BCS is messed up, but if you want to really screw it up, let congress "fix" it. The same idiots that gave Bush a blank check in Iraq, the PATRIOT ACT, income tax and prohibition (just to name a few) could do wonders in college football. Idiots.

Posted 12/09/2009 09:16:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like the Harris County D.A. is taking the first, tiny step to come to their senses about their Draconian drug laws, by reducing paraphernalia possession to a misdemeanor.

Starting next year, the Harris County District Attorney's Office no longer will file state jail felony charges against suspects found with only a trace — less than a hundreth of a gram — of illegal drugs, District Attorney Pat Lykos said Tuesday.

Instead, people found with crack pipes with nothing more than residue inside or other drug paraphernalia, would face a ticket for a class C misdemeanor, which carries a maximum fine of $500.

Imagine that. You don't have a usable quantity of drugs and you don't go to jail. Imagine that? But who is this going to piss off? Who has something to lose in this fight?

“It ties the hands of the officers who are making crack pipe cases against burglars and thieves,” said Gary Blankinship, president of the Houston Police Officers' Union. “A crack pipe is not used for anything but smoking crack by a crack head. Crack heads, by and large, are also thieves and burglars. They're out there committing crimes.”

So you smoke crack, you need to go to jail because you might commit a burglary? I thought we were done with the thought police?

Posted 12/09/2009 09:08:00 PM by Douglas

Never a good Wednesday when you can hear a huge explosion before 9 a.m.

Wednesday morning's explosion at American Acryl's Port Road plant sounded like a jet's sonic boom as it hurled a fireball into the sky, rattled windows and cracked walls as far away as Clear Lake and sequestered residents in their homes for hours.

But despite the drama and the open question of the economic impact of the $150 million facility's indefinite closure for repair, the human toll appeared small. Two of the 10 to 15 workers on duty at the time of the 8:45 a.m. accident were hospitalized for observation but later released in good condition. American Acryl spokeswoman Kelli Gregory said the explosion resulted in no “off-site toxic impact.”

It's a miracle no one was killed if I heard the blast from about two miles away.

Posted 12/08/2009 05:18:00 PM by Douglas

Why do you need a banana peeler when all you gotta do is eat a banana like a monkey:


I swear I blogged that before, but I can't find it. Oh well. Enjoy your bananas, chumps.

Posted 12/08/2009 05:03:00 PM by Douglas

Have you ever played Tetris and wondered why you never got that long piece you needed? Now you know:

Posted 12/07/2009 06:16:00 PM by Douglas

I'll admit, I really don't want to see Santa nekkid, either, but something about this story reminds me of a Simpson's episode. But what doesn't?

A Texas homeowner who adorned his front lawn with Michelangelo's "David" as a scantily clad Santa got more than just jolly laughs from his neighbors. Barry McBee said he was aiming to make people chuckle by adding a Santa hat and white beard to the 5-foot-tall replica of the Renaissance statue with six-pack abs — an image at odds with usual depictions of a fat, jolly St. Nick.

Then, parents started calling Big Spring city officials saying their children were asking why Santa was naked.

As Marge so effectively pointed out, this statue is a great barometer of how crazy people are over their puritanical indecency laws. When the crazies tried to get David banned from Springfield, she was upset that the kids would miss out on probably the most famous statue in the world, to which Homer replies, "the school is making them go see it!!" But I digress. What's going on in West Texas?

The sculpture on the corner lot along a main road into McBee's subdivision did not violate any town ordinances, and the copy of one of the world's most well-known statues did not involve any obscenity issues, said Linda Sjogren, city attorney in Big Spring, about 290 miles west of Dallas.

Sjogren left McBee a voice mail last week, requesting that he put more clothes on David.

I would have liked to have heard how that conversation went down. "Hey, you're not doing anything wrong, but could you cover up your replica of one of the greatest masterpieces created by mankind so it doesn't offend anyone here that's never taken a look at their crotch with their pants off? Thanks a bunch."

Posted 12/07/2009 05:56:00 PM by Douglas

Johnson Space Center hasn't always been a jewel in the crown of SouthEast Houston. Before the Manned Spaceflight Center was here, it was here.

Until recently, many employees of Houston's Parks and Recreation Department weren't aware that when they strolled down to the supply room for paper clips they were walking in the footsteps — literally — of pioneers of the American space program.

The department's offices are in a southeast Houston building that was home to NASA's Manned Spacecraft Center from 1962 to 1964. It was here that the Mercury astronauts paved the way for their Apollo successors to win the race that put Americans on the moon before their Soviet competitors.

The building's history and design have been highlighted in a $16 million renovation intended to transform it from an obscure bureaucratic center into a public amenity. The parks department intends to lease part of the building and its courtyard for public events, such as weddings, to recover some of the costs and make the property more familiar to the community.

“I consider this building a piece of art,” said Joe Turner, the city's parks and recreation director, who has overseen the renovation and successful efforts to achieve local, state and federal historic designations for the building.

Interesting. Hey Chronicle, here's an interesting point you left out of the story. . . .Where is it?!? Turn out, you can find this architectural gem at 2999 South Wayside Drive.

Posted 12/07/2009 05:45:00 PM by Douglas

Ten years later and this decade still doesn't have a name. I'm glad I'm not the only one that's noticing.

Shoulder pads and Reaganomics belong to the '80s. The O.J. Simpson trial and grunge rock helped define the '90s. So September 11 and cell phone texting will remind us of … what? The zeroes? Americans have had 10 whole years to figure out what to call the past decade, and yet most people are still at a loss when it comes to referring to it as anything other than "the current decade" or simply "the 21st century."

This is the reason, do doubt, that Time was able to say it was so bad. I still think it's a cop out. You can't say it's the worst decade ever before you come up with a name for it.

Some publications like Slate have chosen to trundle forward with their use of “the aughts,” a term that was also used to refer to 1900 through 1909 and is synonymous with "zeroes." Others have tried giving it a cute spin, like The New York Times' Fashion & Style section, which calls it "the aughties."

I think "the aughties" is the best we're going to do. Let's run with it.

Posted 12/06/2009 04:44:00 PM by Douglas

It snowed on Friday. Really. Here are some pictures. Here's some snow on a Catholic hospital:

And here's their helipad.

It didn't stick around, but it was, in fact, snow.

Posted 12/06/2009 04:14:00 PM by Douglas

Police work isn't just for dogs anymore. Meet Jade, the police cat:

Those visiting the Lumberton Police Department are carefully evaluated by one member of the office staff.

The question in those big green eyes: Do you like cats?

If you do, Police Cat Jade might decide to give you some attention.

Not too much work a 3-legged cat can do at the police station, but everyone has their job. How did he get there?

He was brought to them by an older woman who wanted then-Chief Norman Reynolds to have him euthanized because of the pain he was in with his right front leg mangled and partially missing.

The chief refused because of the expense and because the woman wasn't from Lumberton.

I think I saw a sign when I drove through Lumberton: "Welcome to Lumberton: Cat Euthanization for Residents Only."

Posted 12/05/2009 03:25:00 PM by Douglas

How can you compare the effects of porn on young men when you can't find anyone that's never seen any?

Researchers were conducting a study comparing the views of men in their 20s who had never been exposed to pornography with regular users.

But their project stumbled at the first hurdle when they failed to find a single man who had not been seen it.

“We started our research seeking men in their 20s who had never consumed pornography,” said Professor Simon Louis Lajeunesse. “We couldn't find any.”

After this failure, researchers focused their attention to Santa Claus, Nessie, a fiscally conservative politician, a lipstick lesbian, and the Easter bunny, each with similar results.

Posted 12/05/2009 03:09:00 PM by Douglas

"Please make sure all carry-on items are securely stowed in the overhead bins or under the seat in front of you, leaving the row free from any obstructions."

A woman gave birth to a baby boy on a Southwest Airlines flight from Chicago that had to be diverted to Denver International Airport.

Spokesman Paul Flaningan of Dallas-based Southwest says Flight 441 was about 100 miles north of Denver Friday when the unidentified woman went into labor. Flaningan says the captain decided to divert to Denver but she started to deliver the baby en route.

A doctor and two nurses on board helped deliver the baby at the back of the plane with the help of flight attendants and an in-flight medical radio service.

Oh stewardess, I think the man sitting next to me is a doctor:

The mother and baby were met at the gate by an ambulance and taken to the Medical Center of Aurora, where a spokeswoman says they're doing fine.

After stopping in Denver, the flight continued on to Salt Lake City and then Boise as scheduled.

I realize SouthWest has a schedule, but who was the poor sap that had to sit in that seat for the rest of the way to Salt Lake City? That's a wet spot that a bag of peanuts and a complimentary Heineken isn't going to make up for.

I wonder if SouthWest charged her for having additional luggage?

Posted 12/05/2009 02:48:00 PM by Douglas

What's funnier: that this correction is needed, or that this correction is needed in 2009?

A Nov. 26 article in the District edition of Local Living incorrectly said a Public Enemy song declared 9/11 a joke. The song refers to 911, the emergency phone number.

Also, as a reminder, don't believe the hype.

Posted 12/04/2009 05:54:00 PM by Douglas

As a sign of an early apocalypse, Houston has froze over.

First the snow, now the chill.

Today's daylong snowfall, the earliest in Houston's history, is beginning to let up as the storm system that caused it moves eastward. Meanwhile, temperatures have fallen throughout the day and as of 3:30 p.m. were sitting at 35 degrees at Bush Intercontinental Airport. Factor in the wind and it felt more like the mid-20s.

Ah yes, the wind chill. Don't forget that! But what about 100% relative humidity? Don't they know that relative humidity is as relatively useless wind chill?

Posted 12/04/2009 05:50:00 PM by Douglas

Before you know it, there won't be a dive-bar left in this land. I still don't know why a bar with such a grand part of NASA history has to close its bikini-clad doors.

The venerable NASA hangout Outpost Tavern is closing its bikini-clad swinging doors for good.

The scrappy beer joint known for its friendly crowds, tasty burgers and priceless collection of space memorabilia will shut down next month, according to a melancholy Stephanie Foster.

Foster said she received confirmation Friday that the property has been sold and the new owners plan to build something new on the site, perhaps a service station or shopping center. She said she had not been ordered to close, but didn't want to be given a short deadline to get out.

I'm sure the strip-mall they put in its place will be awesome!

Posted 12/04/2009 05:11:00 PM by Douglas

I wasn't a huge fan of the "Doghouse" video last year when I linked it, but it made a big enough impression with my family that dad wrapped up a vacuum cleaner box and put it under the tree for mom. Much to their consternation, the reaction they drew from their children was "Dad got Mom a vacuum cleaner. I guess she wanted one." Little did we know the joke was on us.

So I'm finding this series, "Return to the Doghouse" less humorous:



Do women really want the world to think all they want is something shiny?

Posted 12/03/2009 06:47:00 PM by Douglas

The newest warning label to protect us from ourselves? Altered photographs in advertising. Ok, so it's just the French, but I still think it's funny.

But she has also created a small furor here and abroad with her latest proposal: a draft law that would require all digitally altered photographs of people used in advertising be labeled as retouched.

Underneath it all is an emotional debate about what it is to be attractive or unattractive, and whether the changing ideals of beauty — from Sophia Loren to Twiggy — have ever been realistic.

Well, no. Realistic? Who cares, if it gives people what they want? If it's the magazine's job to portray beauty, whatever that is, and it's the ad's job to sell face-spackle and jeans to women, what difference does it make if the photography isn't realistic? Nothing in those magazines is realistic.

But what about the "preserving the body image of girls" and reducing anorexia? So what then about the pictures that aren't altered? I can imagine a caption (probably in Cosmo) of some unrealistically, yet naturally skinny blonde model that says "yeah, I really am this thin, hot and blonde." Is it the magazine's fault because they print a picture of someone that's prettier than its reader? Why do they need to apologize for that?

Posted 12/03/2009 06:29:00 PM by Douglas

From the sucker punch that was the 9/11 attacks, what would have been Bin Laden's best outcome? Sadly, I think it's something like this:

We do have a pretty good idea how bin Laden pictured victory. It looks a lot like what we’re seeing now. He wanted a holy war. We gave him two. We’ve compromised our values, rolled back civil liberties, and let our politicians generally scare the crap out of us whenever they want new powers. Oh, and we’ve let the bastard live to gloat about it all.

I still think it's funny that the Pentagon (along with the talking heads on TV) talk about victory, as if there ever could be one. And troop withdrawal? We're still occupying Germany and Japan for god's sake.

Posted 11/30/2009 10:08:00 PM by Douglas

Yeah, I know it's almost December and half the word isn't dead from pig-flu yet, but that's no reason to get complacent now.

"We're certainly on the downward slope of the curve," said Thomas Skinner, spokesman for the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta.

So it's going down, right? That's good, right?

The level of flu activity across the nation has dropped for the fourth week in a row, federal health officials reported Monday, indicating that the second wave of the swine flu pandemic in the United States had peaked.

This is just getting comical. When they use declining numbers to show increasing pig flu, how could you spot a fleck of reason in any of their hysterical bullshit?

Labels: pig flu

Posted 11/30/2009 10:00:00 PM by Douglas

In case you're looking for an hour or two to kill on Wikipedia, check out these 50 articles. The Russian stuff is fascinating, but I'm surprised Pavlik Morozov and the Stakhanovite movement weren't listed.

I think the more interesting part of this is that of these 50 weird stories, I'd heard about 11 of them.

Posted 11/27/2009 04:55:00 PM by Douglas

What would Thanksgiving be without a news story from somewhere about someone burning their house down frying a turkey? I don't think it's funny that someone burned their house down. I think it's funny that you see this story at least once a year.

Fire officials say oil from a deep-fried Thanksgiving Day turkey sparked a house fire in suburban New York.

There were no injuries reported in Wednesday's fire at the North Babylon home. Firefighters were there for about two hours.

The moral to the story: Don't fry turkeys.

Posted 11/25/2009 06:18:00 PM by Douglas

Worst. Decade. Evar:

Bookended by 9/11 at the start and a financial wipeout at the end, the first 10 years of this century will very likely go down as the most dispiriting and disillusioning decade Americans have lived through in the post–World War II era.

Don't speak too soon, there are nine more to go this century.

It reads like a typical dead-tree cover story aimed at selling magazines, but still, the decade that still doesn't have a name (the aughts?) kinda sucked. At least we didn't have to suffer through disco.

Posted 11/25/2009 06:11:00 PM by Douglas

Graduate schools have traditionally seen increased admissions when the economy tanks, specifically the job market, so this isn't really much of a surprise. It's just sad, really:

The number of people taking the Law School Admission Test is at an unprecedented high, and the recession is a likely reason. But some are questioning whether bad economic times are a sufficient reason to go to law school.

That's just what the world needs: More attorneys. The economy continues to tank, we owe our collective first born male child to China, and people are flocking to the "money changing" industry instead of producing something tangible. What a waste, and one of our nation's head lawyers agrees.

Why isn’t she out inventing the automobile or, you know, doing something productive for this society?

I mean lawyers, after all, don’t produce anything. They enable other people to produce and to go on with their lives efficiently and in an atmosphere of freedom. That’s important, but it doesn’t put food on the table and there have to be other people who are doing that. And I worry that we are devoting too many of our very best minds to this enterprise.

Strong words from a guy like Scalia, but he's right on the money.

Posted 11/23/2009 09:38:00 PM by Douglas

Hilarious video of an amusing trick for your dog. But what doesn't sound better with Yakety Sax?



It wasn't obvious (to me, anyway) that the toy was tied to Saydee's collar. But that made it even funnier. If I could just figure out a way to get my cat to do that, she wouldn't be such a lard ass, but she probably thinks the same thing about me.

Posted 11/22/2009 04:53:00 PM by Douglas

Have you ever wanted to ride in a helicopter and not sure how you could pull that off? Just get a pit bull and wait for it to eat your wife's face off.

A woman was severely injured Thursday night when she was attacked by her pit bull.

Precinct 5 constables said the woman’s husband heard a commotion in another room, and when he went to investigate, he found his wife on the floor.

The family’s pit bull was on top of her.

The woman was taken via Life Flight to Memorial Hermann.

Beautiful, docile animals.

Labels: pit bull attacks

Posted 11/22/2009 03:43:00 PM by Douglas

With your cheap rewards, your blackmail and your comical rage:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Elvis Costello
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor U.S. Speedskating

Remember you'll only be my boss as long as you pay my wage.

Posted 11/22/2009 03:21:00 PM by Douglas

Another compelling story to the new professionalism of law enforcement:

A 16-year-old accused of smuggling a loaded handgun in to the Harris County Juvenile Detention Center Guards appears to have a walked through a metal detector that was unplugged, authorities said Tuesday.

What? You mean you have to plug in the metal detector? I had no idea.

Also, how did a 16 year old kid get a gun? Isn't it illegal for anyone under 21 to own a handgun? My stars, I just don't know how something like that could happen. We need a law that keeps kids from getting guns. Oh wait, we already have one.

Posted 11/22/2009 01:03:00 PM by Douglas

Orbiting the earth at 17,000 miles per hour when the only thing standing between your grisly death is a piece of government plastic may be once in a lifetime opportunity, but so is the birth of your first child. So how do you pick? Why not flip a coin?

Astronaut Randolph Bresnik is a new dad again, after launching into space and taking a spacewalk, all for the first time.

He announced the birth of his daughter, Abigail, on Sunday morning on NASA's airwaves.

His wife, Rebecca, gave birth to their second child back home in Houston on Saturday at 11:04 p.m. CST. They have a 3-year-old son, adopted from Ukraine.

At least she has a good attitude about it:

"We don't choose the timing," she said in an interview that was broadcast by NASA following the birth announcement. "He's trained one year for this mission but really he's been here five, almost six years. I'm just really excited for him and excited for us."

What else is she gonna say? He can't stay in orbit forever.

Posted 11/22/2009 12:57:00 PM by Douglas

Police chase a speeder, speeder gets out of car with a gun, police shoot speeder. Nothing really exceptional about that, so why is it when this sort of thing happens in a town of less than 7,000 people, there's always something fishy about it?

He said Brown was going at least 65 mph in a zone where speeds were marked at no more than 40 mph.

"(Brown) subsequently stopped and exited the vehicle and was armed with a handgun," Bowen said. "At some point during the confrontation the officers felt threatened."

Bowen wouldn't comment on what spurred Brown's actions, citing the ongoing investigation. He also wouldn't reveal if Brown pointed the handgun at officers.

The officers asked Brown to drop his weapon at least once, Bowen said.

"I refuse to comment on an open investigation" is the phrase that pays for most guilty politicians, so there's strike one. But it gets better:

Bowen said a patrol vehicle camera was running but didn't capture the episode. The audio recorders weren't working and didn't record the exchange, he said.

And there's strike two and three. You have dashboard mounted video cameras that somehow didn't catch the event, and audio recorders that, gosh darnit, just weren't working when a city employee killed a man?

Posted 11/22/2009 12:29:00 PM by Douglas

Interesting animation of the progression of unemployment over the last two years. Did anyone ever work in Michigan or Mississippi?

Posted 11/18/2009 05:58:00 PM by Douglas

I've been trying to avoid a comment about the self-created Palin-hype, because it's gone on way past its self life, but I got my Newsweek the other day with this pict staring me in the face (thanks mom) and I thought I'd weigh in:

I read last week that Althouse weighed in pretty negatively, but I'd have to agree with this:

Apparently, they were afraid you were not ready, and they were right, so why didn't you trust them or at least accept that you owed them control over the presidential campaign? You agreed to take the subordinate position, and you had to know that their reasons for picking you had to do with image and style. If you weren't prepared to do it their way, you should not have accepted the part. At the very least, you should not have been mystified about the way they were treating you. You should have been looking at the campaign strategy from every angle and building your sophistication, not just aching to burst free and expose yourself to the world — which, as you soon learned, did not go well.

It seems that Sarah Palin wasn't able or didn't want to bother to analyze whether she was ready to debut on the big media stage, and she wasn't large-minded enough to think beyond herself to what it would mean for the whole campaign. That is, she was dumb. She was too dumb to handle campaign responsibilities properly, so she was clearly too dumb to step into the role of President of the United States.

Althouse has taken a reaming, mainly by trolls questioning her feminist status, but I think she's right. You want to run with the big kids, but you can't stand up to Katie Courick or John McCain campaign advisor? That bullshit may fly in Wasilla, but now Washington.

Now, according to her facebook page, she's steamed about the Newsweek cover:

"The choice of photo for the cover of this week's Newsweek is unfortunate. When it comes to Sarah Palin, this "news" magazine has relished focusing on the irrelevant rather than the relevant. The Runner's World magazine one-page profile for which this photo was taken was all about health and fitness -- a subject to which I am devoted and which is critically important to this nation. The out-of-context Newsweek approach is sexist and oh-so-expected by now. If anyone can learn anything from it: it shows why you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, gender, or color of skin. The media will do anything to draw attention -- even if out of context.

What? A photo used to pepper up the lede? Oh my god, stop the presses!

Come on, Caribou Barbie, you can't have your cheesecake shot and eat it, too. Your photo shoot showcasing your "physical fitness" has just as much context showing what a beauty queen you are as pictures of you shooting a moose does have with the anti-gun crowd. You can't have it both ways.

Posted 11/14/2009 02:02:00 PM by Douglas

Spitty-fountain at the Hearst Castle:

Posted 11/14/2009 01:52:00 PM by Douglas

There's an age-old argument in politics: Does the government benefit the people by taxing the shit out of them just to (poorly) spend the money on government services? Here's a fascinating look at two states: Texas with relatively low taxes doing a shitty job of providing services versus California, with high taxes doing a shitty job of providing services. What really amazes me is that there are people that are genuinely surprised by this:

It’s not surprising, then, that an intense debate rages over which model is more satisfactory and sustainable. What is surprising is the growing evidence that the low-benefit, low-tax alternative succeeds not only on its own terms but also according to the criteria used by defenders of high benefits and high taxes. Whatever theoretical claims are made for imposing high taxes to provide generous government benefits, the practical reality is that these public goods are, increasingly, neither public nor good: their beneficiaries are mostly the service providers themselves, and their quality is poor. For evidence, look to the two largest states in the nation, which are fine representatives of the liberal and conservative alternatives.

Well, duh. That's one of the key differences between liberals and conservatives, back when we still had fiscal conservatives.

The high-benefit, high-tax model can work, but only if the high taxes actually purchase high benefits—that is, public goods that far surpass the quality of those available to people who pay low taxes.

And here, California is decidedly lacking.

I'm sure there are examples I'm not aware of, but are there any places where people just love the government services their high taxes buy them? The only people that want the government to give them crappy services are those with no money to provide them for themselves.

But, I hope no one reads this article, especially people in California. That's just what Texas needs, more idiots from California that think a two and a half hour commute and $350,000 for a 1,400 square foot house is a great deal.

Posted 11/11/2009 09:54:00 PM by Douglas

Poor commies. It's a shame what all that freedom did to the worker's paradise of the GDR

Of course, unification brought with it the freedom to travel the world and, for some, more material wealth, but it also brought social breakdown, widespread unemployment, blacklisting, a crass materialism and an "elbow society" as well as a demonisation of the country I lived in and helped shape. Despite the advantages, for many it was more a disaster than a celebratory event.

[. . . ]

Since the demise of the GDR, many have come to recognise and regret that the genuine "social achievements" they enjoyed were dismantled: social and gender equality, full employment and lack of existential fears, as well as subsidised rents, public transport, culture and sports facilities. Unfortunately, the collapse of the GDR and "state socialism" came shortly before the collapse of the "free market" system in the west.

Give me a freakin' break. You want you state-mandated job/graveyard back? Suck it up and quit whining. Freedom is never free, douchebag.

Posted 11/04/2009 09:03:00 PM by Douglas

Somedays, it's just not working out for you. Have you ever thought that it was YOU from the future that's fucking it up for you so you don't do it right the first time? These guys have.

In a bizarre sci-fi theory, Danish physicist Dr Holger Bech Nielsen and Dr Masao Ninomiya from Japan claim nature is trying to prevent the LHC from finding the elusive Higgs boson. Called the "God particle," the theoretical boson could explain the origins of mass in the universe — if physicists can find the darn thing.

The scientists say their math proves nature will "ripple backward through time" to stop the LHC before it can create the God particle, like a time traveller who goes back in time to kill his grandfather.

Is John Connor involved?

Posted 11/04/2009 08:59:00 PM by Douglas

It's the end of the world and they got it wrong.

With the upcoming disaster film "2012" and the current hype about Mayan calendars and doomsday predictions, it seems like a good time to put such notions in context.

Most prophets of doom come from a religious perspective, though the secular crowd has caused its share of scares as well. One thing the doomsday scenarios tend to share in common: They don't come to pass.

Sometimes I think I need to get a funny haircut and tell people that the end of the world is coming. 10% of the income of the idiots I can convince it's real? Beats working.

Posted 10/30/2009 06:40:00 PM by Douglas

What the story doesn't say is that the car was driven by a roadrunner.

Daniel East and his sister, Tevyn, were driving at night along Interstate 80 near the Nevada-Utah earlier this month, when their car slammed into a coyote that scurried in their path, reported Rex Features.

Believing there was no way the wild animal could survive the 75 mph collision, the pair kept driving for eight more hours to their destination, where they finally inspected the damage to their car.

But it did manage to survive being dragged for 600 miles.

"Immediately I saw a ton of fur and said, 'Sis, don't look, this is bad,'" David East told the photo agency.

When the coyote started moving, however East realized the animal had survived - and was trapped between the front grill and the radiator of their car.

I think "Lucky" would be a better name than "Tricky." Or perhaps "Acme."

Posted 10/30/2009 06:34:00 PM by Douglas

Not a fan of clothing you have to read, but I LOVE the image. Twitter = pointless.

Posted 10/28/2009 06:40:00 PM by Douglas

NASA successfully launches a single stage, sub-orbital un-manned rocket this morning.

Nearly twice the height of the spaceship it's supposed to replace — the shuttle — the skinny experimental rocket carried no passengers or payload, only throwaway ballast and hundreds of sensors. The flight cost $445 million.

NASA said the flight was a tremendous success, based on early indications.

Welcome to 1959, NASA! Remember when you did this the first time, 60 years ago?

Posted 10/28/2009 06:31:00 PM by Douglas

Turns out Susan Wright is going to get another bite at the sentencing apple.

A woman convicted of tying her husband to their bed and stabbing him almost 200 times will get a new punishment phase because of ineffective assistance of counsel in her trial.

However, if jurors in a new punishment phase decide against sudden passion, she could would face a maximum sentence of life in prison.

So it looks like the stripper with the heart of gold gets another roll of the dice. But at least she stands a chance to get life behind bars if the jury doesn't believe her bullshit about stabbing her husband 173 times out of self defense.

Posted 10/28/2009 06:16:00 PM by Douglas

The pig flu (vaccine) hits Houston, with typical overreactions.

Starting today, there's enough swine flu vaccine in the Houston area that providers are imposing fewer restrictions on who can get it.

The city of Houston health department has more than 17,000 doses available today. Vaccinations begin at 9 a.m. at 10 city health clinics.

The doses are available on a first-come, first-served basis, though officials hope they go to high-risk patients, health department spokesman Porfirio Villarreal said.

Catch that? We're all going to die of pig flu, but they hope the vaccine goes to high risk patients. So I hope hope can save these high risk patients from the pig flu media hype.

Posted 10/28/2009 06:11:00 PM by Douglas

Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley. We all know about their status as roommates and the fact that their fathers were roommates, but what's next?

Distance never kept the McCoys and the Shipleys apart. They vacationed together. The boys went to church camp together. With their fathers, they fished the Devils Riverin Southwest Texas. They played pitch and catch with the football, and their parents watched their skinny little boys grow into players that old men talked about at the barbershop.

West Texas. As Kinky Freidman would say, how can you spot a fag in West Texas? A fag cares more about girls than he does about football.

Posted 10/28/2009 06:05:00 PM by Douglas

How to help the economy: Help the ones that vote the most.

The president has proposed sending a $250 check to every Social Security recipient, which sounds pretty good at first. The checks would be part of his admirable efforts to stimulate the economy, and older Americans are clearly a sympathetic group. Next year, they are scheduled to receive no cost-of-living increase in their Social Security benefits.

As if there's just $14Billion just laying around. This is pandering, pure and simple. Plenty of clock-punching workers didn't see a COLA in 2009. Life's rough, suck it up.

Posted 10/26/2009 07:44:00 PM by Douglas

Dry clothes: scourge of the 21st century. I liked this part:

During your last hotel stay, you probably encountered an in-room card asking you to reuse your towels. Although wordings vary, such cards always urge this action to preserve the environment. What the cards never say is that the majority of guests do reuse their towels at least once when requested. My research team suspected that this omission was costing the hotels — and the environment — plenty.

To test our suspicion, we conspired with the management of an upscale hotel to place one of four cards in its guestrooms. Three cards employed some version of the typical environmental appeal. A fourth card added (true) information that the majority of guests do reuse their towels when asked.

The outcome? Compared with the first three messages, the final message increased towel reuse by 34 percent. How easily we can be influenced to act by honest information about how those around us are acting.

Interesting that the hotel appeals to your inner tree-hugger to reuse the towels, so they can save money on water, electricity and detergent, yet don't want to pass any of those savings to you? How many guests would reuse their towels if they knocked $5 off their bill when they check out?

Also, to the idiots that are drying their clothes in their living room: Where do you think the water goes? Paying for electricity for your A/C to remove the water isn't much more efficient than paying for the electricity in your dryer.

Posted 10/26/2009 07:34:00 PM by Douglas

Interesting animation of the Sully-Hudson landing. The change in the tone of his voice between "we may end up in the Hudson" to "we're going to be in the Hudson" is almost imperceptible.



I think we get confused in this country as to what a real hero is.

I wonder if U.S. Airways gives him specially fitted uniforms to accommodate his gigantic balls.

Posted 10/26/2009 07:28:00 PM by Douglas

Metallica pays $50k for a white girl.

American heavy metal band Metallica has stumped up 50,000 dollars in reward money for a fan who disappeared at one of their concerts, a campaign website said Monday.

"Morgan has blond hair and blue eyes, is 5'6", 120 lbs., and was wearing a black 'Pantera' T-shirt, black skirt, and black boots," the ad said.

Who wears a Pantera T-shirt to a Metallica concert?

In a related story, Cody Canada offered up a 12 pack of Bud Light and a dime bag for a missing girl at Ziegfest this weekend. Then he realized she was passed out under the table in the tour bus.

Posted 10/26/2009 07:09:00 PM by Douglas

Are you a boring loser that has always dreamed of having a witty conversation? Here's your chance.

The more obscure the reference, the wittier the statement--but the greater the confusion if the person you're talking to doesn't know what you're referring to. If someone says "I'll try" and you say "Do or do not; there is no try." --they may, or may not, realize that you're making a Star Wars reference.

I can't tell how serious this is, but funny, still.

Posted 10/26/2009 06:12:00 PM by Douglas

Steal someone else's catch-phrase. It's been done, ya slack jawed yokels.

Posted 10/25/2009 01:50:00 PM by Douglas

I've made fun of them, I've bought one, but this takes the snuggie-crazy to a whole new level. Pretty funny, though.

Posted 10/21/2009 06:31:00 PM by Douglas

Thankfully, Justice Roberts was alone in his dissent of Virginia v. Harris, otherwise the police would be justified in pulling you over for a sobriety check because you farted in someone's car and they called the cops:

The story in Harris essentially was that some woman called the cops refusing to give her name, but said that Harris was driving drunk in a green Altima and wearing a striped shirt. The police found a green Altima in the general vicinity of where she said it would be, and the license plate was “close enough” to the partial description she provided. Importantly, however, Harris did not commit any traffic violations (damn those pesky drunk drivers not providing any bases for a pretextual stop!), so when he pulled over to the side of the road, the cop followed suit and initiated a traffic stop. It is not clear why he pulled over (probably because he was drunk and saw a cop following him) or what the cop initiated a stop for (probably because he was a cop and he could). Anyway, Harris reeked and was arrested.

Wow! Is America returning to the land where you actually have to do something illegal before they throw you in jail? Imagine my surprise. For reference, check out the probable cause clause of Amendment number four.

Posted 10/20/2009 05:58:00 PM by Douglas

In the face of the current collapse of the credit market, it's no surprise that credit cards are pulling out all the stops. Their once insatiable cash-cow is now faced with dry teats, and how are they responding? By eradicating any perk ever garnered by those that paid their bill. This should end well:

Starting next year, Bank of America will charge a small number of customers an annual fee, ranging from $29 to $99. The bank has characterized the fee as experimental. But card holders who have never carried a balance or paid late fees could be among those affected.

Citigroup, meanwhile, has started charging annual fees to card holders who don't put more than a specific amount on their cards, typically $2,400 a year. Other banks are charging inactivity fees if customers don't use their credit cards during a specific period of time. You heard that right: You could be spanked for staying out of debt.

The average credit card user is pretty durn stupid, but they're not that stupid, are they?

If you use your cards wisely, and take the cash-back option, you can make thousands of dollars off your regular purchases. If that dries up, so be it, but it's not like you're really losing anything. If they start charging annual fees, for the luxury of carrying their card around in your wallet, then their profits are really going to tank. Remember they still make up to 3% on every single purchase you make with the card, whether you pay your balance in full or not.

If they take away the incentive to use your credit card at all,, expect the situation to go from bad to worse, because that's when the credit card cash cow gets put out to pasture.

Labels: Credit Card Collapse

Posted 10/19/2009 06:16:00 PM by Douglas

Once again, life imitates The Simpson's

A 54-year-old statue of St. Anthony of Padua, namesake of the city of San Antonio, has been beheaded.

A spokesman for the San Antonio Roman Catholic archdiocese says witnesses reported seeing a man shouting obscenities just before 6 a.m. Sunday in the city’s Main Plaza, near San Fernando Cathedral.

Well, you know what Jebediah would say:

"A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man."

It's a perfectly cromulent phrase.

Posted 10/18/2009 03:25:00 PM by Douglas

Pointlessly running 26 miles has claimed three more victims in Detroit this weekend:

Three runners died Sunday during the Detroit Free Press/Flagstar Marathon in Detroit, Michigan, police told CNN.

his 60s fell and hit his head, Roach said. The cause of the fall was unknown. The man was transported to Detroit Receiving Hospital, where he was pronounced dead.

Two other men, aged 36 and 26, also collapsed during the race and were pronounced dead at the hospital, Roach said.

Why not try counting to a million for no fucking reason? Much lower body count.

Labels: Marathons

Posted 10/16/2009 06:40:00 PM by Douglas

Not a good week in East Texas for dead bodies.

A 45-year-old Texas woman has been committed for mental evaluation after authorities say she lived in an apartment for a week with her dead boyfriend's body.

The Tyler Morning Telegraph reports Big Sandy police were flagged down by a man Friday who reported a stentch coming from his sister's apartment.

Once inside, police found 50-year-old William Drake dead on a couch. From the condition of the corpse, police believe he had been dead about a week.

I don't know the whole story, but I'd hold off on the "mental illness" call 'till all the facts are in. If most men were to die on the couch, the smell might get slightly worse, but most women would hesitate to call the meat-wagon simply because it got noticeably quieter.

Posted 10/16/2009 06:31:00 PM by Douglas

Guess who else didn't get a raise this year? A lot of people that punch the clock at work every day. They're on a "fixed-income," too, and their companies, some listed in the Dow-Jones Industrial Average, didn't give them COLA, either. So I can feel bad for grandma losing her raise this year, but what about everyone else?

If her check were bigger, 76-year-old Agnes Conti might be able to spring for a better cut of meat for her pot roast. She could afford to send her nine grandchildren more than $20 for their birthdays and Christmas. She'd be able to buy some nice new clothes, like she sees on QVC, not what she settles for at Walmart.

If only. The government has said the Social Security checks Conti and tens of millions of other seniors rely on as their primary source of income will not increase next year as consumer prices have fallen overall. And while the retired hospital clerk will get by, she'll be watching her spending even closer, knowing she can't expect the annual raise she's been accustomed to.

So what to do? If people working for 30 years at a company that's not going to give them a raise during these tough economic times™, what hope do people living off the dole?

Posted 10/13/2009 07:54:00 PM by Douglas

It would be silly to think that anyone would make a case promoting sending a text message while driving, but just because it's a stupid idea doesn't mean the government needs to make a law against it. Unless you're a democrat, and you think there's no problem too great for the government to solve. Rep. Carolyn McCarthy (D-umb), hit me with some crazy about how your bill is going to save the children:

Often, it is the legality of an issue that is the impetus to effect behavioral change. For those in states that do not ban texting, there is little incentive to encourage people to stop, aside from an accident itself.

That statement would be hilarious if she didn't really mean it, because it's obvious that this logic makes perfect sense to her: "Hey, I got a text message. I'm not going to respond right now, though. Not because I'm doing 70 on the freeway in a 4,000 pound vehicle and I could kill myself or others if traffic changes while I have my head up my ass, but because I might get a $75 ticket, if the cop that's driving right next to me can prove I was texting and not looking at my "Slippery When Wet" CD case to figure out what track You Give Love a Bad Name is."

But this stance shouldn't surprise anyone, coming as it does from someone that thinks that firearms aren't going to be used criminally because there's a "law" against it.

Posted 10/13/2009 07:32:00 PM by Douglas

Step one for becoming a pet: Don't be delicious.

Animal lovers are going hog wild over a new breed of miniature pet.

"Teacup" pigs have became the latest trendy pet in England.

The little piggies weigh just over half a pound at birth and only grow to 12 to 16 inches high, topping out at about 65 pounds - rather svelte in the pig world.

OK, so they're cute as hell. But do you think they know where bacon comes from?

Posted 10/13/2009 07:27:00 PM by Douglas

I don't care what anyone says, chicken wings are not food. Putting a load of vinegar and butter on a cat turd doesn't make it food, either, although there's probably more meat in a cat turd.

Restaurants, normally big buyers of breast meat, slashed orders as millions of people cut back on eating out, and breast prices slumped. But demand for wings has remained strong, partly because people perceived them as a cheap luxury.

Adding to the demand: the brisk growth of restaurant chains focusing on wings, like Atomic Wings, Wingstop and Wing Zone. Several chains have been remarking this year about how much business is up in the recession. The major public company in this group, Buffalo Wild Wings, reported a 27 percent earnings jump in the first half of the year.

What a fascinating commentary for our culture. People would rather eat absolute shit than the best meat of the yard-bird.

Posted 10/12/2009 05:12:00 PM by Douglas

I've had some raging hangovers in my day, but I've never woken up in a closet of an abandoned house with a dead guy.

A Houston man has been charged with three misdemeanor drug offenses after police found him asleep in a closet with a dead man in a vacant Cypress home Sunday.

Zombie Boy, 21, also was charged with abuse of a corpse after prosecutors alleged he treated the body “in an offensive manner.” However, the charge was dropped this morning after a judge examined the allegations in a probable cause hearing. The original charging document did not elaborate on the charge.

Thank you for not elaborating on what "an offensive manner" entails.

“It appeared that they were doing some sort of narcotics — at least the one that they woke up. He was under the influence of something, obviously.”

The one that woke up appeared to be under the influence of something. The dead one. . . .not so much. He just looked pretty much dead.

Posted 10/12/2009 04:54:00 PM by Douglas

If you're going to lead five separate law-enforcement agencies on a high-speed chase, do yourself a favor. Make sure you're wearing pants.

Authorities said Ubalda Olvera, 31, stole a white, older model Cadillac sedan in Marquez in Leon County on Sunday. The pursuit ended on Texas 6 in College Station near the University Drive exit, where the man crashed and drove into a grassy ditch. His car, which was southbound, rested facing north.

The naked man raced from his vehicle and tried to flag down motorists who stopped to help, according to police. College Station officers intercepted the man and took him into custody, according to Sgt. Calder Lively. It was unclear why he was naked, but authorities said he was spotted earlier in the day with no clothes on in Leon County.

I've found it easier to flag down your fellow motorist for assistance if you're not naked.

Posted 10/12/2009 04:44:00 PM by Douglas

Playboy, don't tease me. How can you put Marge on the cover and not let us know if she colors her muff?

"D'oh!" doesn't even start to cover it. Marge Simpson -- the blue beehived matriarch of America's most loved dysfunctional family - is Playboy magazine's November cover, the magazine said on Friday.

Simpson, tastefully concealing her assets behind a signature Playboy Bunny chair, is the first cartoon character ever to front the glossy adult magazine, joining the ranks of sex symbols like Marilyn Monroe and Cindy Crawford.

Marge is hot!!

Then there's this:

Playboy magazine's circulation has slipped in recent years in the face of competition from the Internet, which offers free and plentiful pictures of naked women online.

What? There's pictures of nekkid womin on the internets? I had no idea. I'll be right back.

Posted 10/12/2009 12:04:00 PM by Douglas

The fallout from Barry's Peace Prize has just begun:

While few observers think Obama has done anything for world peace in the nearly nine months he's been in office, the same clearly can't be said for economics.

The president has worked tirelessly since even before his inauguration to wrest control of the U.S. economy from failed free markets, and the evil CEOs who profit from them, and to turn it over to wise, fair and benevolent bureaucrats.

Yet the Nobel panel chose instead to award the prize to two obscure academics -- Elinor Ostrom and Oliver Williamson -- one noted for her work on managing collective resources, and the other for his work on transaction costs.

Economics, hell. Why didn't he get the Nobel Prize for Literature? He did actually write a book, after all.

Posted 10/11/2009 01:15:00 PM by Douglas

What the hell is Al Gore going to do if last decade of climate data goes against all he's been preaching?

But it is true. For the last 11 years we have not observed any increase in global temperatures.

And our climate models did not forecast it, even though man-made carbon dioxide, the gas thought to be responsible for warming our planet, has continued to rise.

So what on Earth is going on?

Perhaps distilling a million years of climate into 50 (or less) years of weather isn't as accurate as Al "Nobel Laureate" Gore would have us believe. Does that mean he has to give his million dollars back?

Labels: global warming

Posted 10/11/2009 01:01:00 PM by Douglas

Who would have ever guessed you'd see a story with Britney Spears, nuts and squirrel meats and be kinda sad, not sick.

A biography published in the US says her family was so poor they ate anything her dad Jamie could hunt.

And fans keen for a taste of her trailer park childhood are snapping up squirrel, rabbit and possum from butchers and restaurants.

In a related story, Kevin Federline is looking to the cushions of his couch for 89¢ for a crispy taco.

Posted 10/11/2009 12:43:00 PM by Douglas

If you're going to lock people up for DWI, make sure your equipment is calibrated.

More than 1,200 driving while intoxicated convictions in Harris County are invalid after a contractor was convicted of faking inspections of alcohol breath testing devices, prosecutors said.

Deetrice Wallace, a Department of Public Safety contractor, told investigators that she had falsified inspections records for the South Houston and Clute police department intoxilyzers.

From 2002 until she was arrested in October 2008, Wallace handled DPS instruments that were used to determine alcohol concentration in DWI cases for at least seven police departments, including League City, Friendswood, Webster, Seabrook, Galveston, Clute and South Houston.

"It's just a massive problem that is not going to go away," Buess said. "It's a huge mess."

Huge mess is right.

Posted 10/11/2009 12:33:00 PM by Douglas

Food makes humans human, and learning how to cook gave us big, juicy brains:

Richard Wrangham has new ideas about why these changes occurred. He has no argument with the generally accepted wisdom that our first transformation – from nimble tree-climbing australopithecines to sociable, tool-wielding habilines – was the consequence of a meat diet. But the character of the second change – from Homo habilis to the protohuman Homo erectus – has never been adequately explained, and Wrangham believes he has the answer: 1.8 million years ago, we learned to cook. Cooking improves the caloric value of food, and widens the range of what is edible. It literally powered our evolution.

I think it's time to grill a steak. A think, delicious, monkey steak.

Posted 10/11/2009 12:28:00 PM by Douglas

Why are the Germans so freakin' weird?

Part of the celebrations of the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, the Reunion show featured two massive marionettes, the Big Giant, a deep-sea diver, and his niece, the Little Giantess. The storyline of the performance has the two separated by a wall, thrown up by "land and sea monsters".

What the hell? The Berlin Wall wasn't nearly as creepy.

Posted 10/11/2009 11:36:00 AM by Douglas

Had my first run in with an In-N-Out Burger this summer, and I was quite unimpressed. I was amazed that the place in San Diego was packed at 3 in the afternoon, but the burger was average at best. But you gotta give it to them for finding their niche in an otherwise saturated market.

The joy of having a simple hamburger made fresh and to your specifications has earned not only popularity with the hungry masses but respect from gourmet chefs too. Perman cites some Michelin-starred chefs and their love and admiration for In-N-Out: from Daniel Boulud, inventor of the gourmet hamburger, who noted the quality and striking simplicity of the In-N-Out burger, to Hell's Kitchen's Gordon Ramsay, who proclaimed his enthusiasm in a Sunday Mail interview, calling the burgers "extraordinary" and admitting to finishing a Double-Double only to double back for seconds.

A fried burger is a fried burger. I've never understood why no one has figured out how to grill a damn hamburger patty.

Posted 10/07/2009 06:44:00 PM by Douglas

Two stories I found while farting around yahoo today makes me think that Mike Judge was a gall-durned optimist when he wrote Idiocracy. First up, annoying words idiots say. So where is, like, LIKE?

So, you know, it is what it is, but Americans are totally annoyed by the use of "whatever" in conversations.

The popular slacker term of indifference was found "most annoying in conversation" by 47 percent of Americans surveyed in a Marist College poll released Wednesday.

"Whatever" easily beat out "you know," which especially grated a quarter of respondents. The other annoying contenders were "anyway" (at 7 percent), "it is what it is" (11 percent) and "at the end of the day" (2 percent).

Like, what?

Then there's this:

Could birth control pills be taking human evolution in a whole new, and possibly detrimental, direction?

Watch the movie. It's like, spelled out clearly, and stuff.

Posted 10/06/2009 06:04:00 PM by Douglas

I've been sick of this argument for a long time now:

In Philadelphia, researchers at the University of Pennsylvania find, possessing a gun is strongly associated with getting shot.

Yeah yeah yeah, and owning a ceiling fan increases your chance of being decapitated by a ceiling fan. Owning an iBook increases your chances of becoming an insufferable douchebag. Possessing a poli-sci degree from a state school increases the chance that you think causality only occurred when you thought of it.

But of course, when you want to get into anti-causality, gotta go with the tired and absurd.

Posted 10/04/2009 02:03:00 PM by Douglas

Are you sitting at home today, wondering what it would look like to hit a guy in the face with an eel? Wait no more.

You're welcome.

Posted 10/03/2009 05:48:00 PM by Douglas

Not everyone can be a bean counter, making a zillion dollars off of the creation of others. Soon, there's nothing to count. So says one of the nation's head jurist.

I mean lawyers, after all, don’t produce anything. They enable other people to produce and to go on with their lives efficiently and in an atmosphere of freedom. That’s important, but it doesn’t put food on the table and there have to be other people who are doing that. And I worry that we are devoting too many of our very best minds to this enterprise.

Ahem, the "best" minds? We're worse off in this country than I thought.

Posted 10/02/2009 06:47:00 PM by Douglas

While I think that the rights of non-smokers to have clean trumps the rights of smokers to suck on carcinogens, I think I'm going to have to side with the smoker in this one and lay the blame with the owner of the townhouse and their shoddy construction that allows air intrusion from one unit to another.

A Dallas woman has filed a lawsuit seeking six figures from a former neighbor and landlord for damage she says was caused by cigarette smoke wafting through adjoining walls of her high-end townhome.

"Smoking is not a right, it's a privilege," said Chris Daniel, a retired nurse. "I'm sorry that people smoke. I think it's foolish, but when it comes into my house and hurts my health and my daughter's health and our belongings, it's a different issue."

Right, privilege, that's absolute horse shit. What you do in your own home is no one else's gall durned bidness. If it affects others, that one thing, assuming there's nothing that could be done about it, but still. This neighbor was smoking a cigarette, not enriching uranium. But the whining, it gets worse:

And even if some smell did seep through, the Daniels renewed their lease at Estancia – where smoking is permitted – six months after they say the problem began.

You don't like the behavior of your neighbors? LEAVE. I'm sure there are all sorts of non-smoking whiners that would LOVE to hear your sad tale of woe and see your gas masks.

Posted 10/02/2009 06:40:00 PM by Douglas

The Millennium Falcon it ain't, but looks like the "laser" on a plane had a successful hit

Back in August, Boeing announced that its Advanced Tactical Laser — a cargo aircraft retrofitted with a chemical laser — had successfully “defeated” a target vehicle parked on the ground. The test was a step toward the fielding of a laser gunship that, in theory, could blast targets with little or no collateral damage.

That's gotta be complicated, and after seeing Star Wars for 10,000 times, it's not nearly as cool as when Luke blows up the Death Star. Still, it's gotta freak you out if you're the bad guy and your hood catches on fire and your engine blows up for seemingly no reason.

Posted 9/28/2009 09:54:00 PM by Douglas

An interesting little game, from The New York Times, no less, showing how distracted, texting drivers can't drive through a toll plaza.

Posted 9/28/2009 09:22:00 PM by Douglas

Always good for SNL to make a bit of fake controversy for themselves

No matter how Jenny Slate’s tenure at “Saturday Night Live” turns out, at least she can say she made a memorable debut. In a sketch broadcast on the season premiere of “S.N.L.,” Ms. Slate, left, a newly hired featured performer, accidentally let slip a word that isn’t supposed to be said on network television during most hours of the day (or in family newspapers at any time). The utterance came in a sketch, which began about 12:42 a.m. on Sunday, in which Ms. Slate played the hard-living host of “Biker Chick Chat” who interviews similarly tough-talking women.

And of course, the video:

I like the cheek-puff afterwards. You can see in her eyes that Loren Michaels is about to fire her.

Posted 9/27/2009 01:49:00 PM by Douglas

Kind of funny video about the tyranny of hot dogs:



Someone needs to tell him that bun-length wieners come in packages of eight. Now, let's let the healing begin.

Posted 9/27/2009 01:43:00 PM by Douglas

P.J. O'Rourke reviews, hilariously as usual, a few crappy books about Woodstock and boomers continual practice of worshiping anything they can remember of it. I like this line about what "The 60s" actually were:

It was not, by the way, a decade: The sixties were a strange episode of about 80 months' duration that started when the Baby Boom had fully infested academia (roughly the 1966-67 school year) and came to a screeching halt in 1973 when conscription ended and herpes began.

Ah herpes. way to ruin the party for everyone.

Labels: P.J. O'Rourke