Posted 10/29/2004 04:46:00 PM by Douglas

On one hand, you've got the dedication and determination of the monastic lifestyle of a Buddhist. Inner peace, divine enlightenment, spiritual atonement. Then on the other hand, you've got chicks and beer. How could you ever go back to the pagoda after that? [thanks William!]

Two Buddhist monks abandoned their vows after they fell in love with a pair of teenage girls who sold beer across from their temple in central Cambodia, a newspaper reported Monday.

The two monks -- Nang Pong and Vom Vong, both 19 -- gave up their monastic lives Thursday after the chief monk at their temple accused them of secretly courting the girls in violation of Buddhist precepts, The Cambodia Daily reported.

The teenage girls earlier had been told to leave the monks alone, Deputy District Police Chief Yung Sam was quoted as saying.

Ah, teenage girls with beer. Is there anything they can't do? I think not.

Posted 10/28/2004 05:45:00 PM by Douglas

The Series is over, the curse is reversed. Now what? This pretty much sums it up:

But what will Boston fans do now that they can no longer lament their inferiority to the Yankees? Now the Sox are just another unnatural powerhouse with a huge payroll.

The rest of us can't love them anymore.

I'm sure they're real bummed out about that.

I bet they are. It's hard to be the underdog anymore when their payroll is easily four times that of the lower end of the scale, and second only to the Yankees.

Posted 10/28/2004 05:36:00 PM by Douglas

For those that may be feeling hopeless about your choices in next week's election, or even worse, guilty about not being able to chose either candidate, here's a good case for an alternative that's actually viable: Don't Vote.

Year after year, decade after decade, regardless of whom we elect, who can deny the trends of action: hindering trade, stifling speech, abolishing liberties, being bought off by foreign interests, expanding intrusive government, annihilating the law and reading into the law that which isn’t there, practicing unnecessary war with increasing frequency, inflating the currency, indoctrinating the young toward unquestionable obedience and banality, creating enemies who have never offended us and alienating allies, bankrupting the nation, allowing aliens to pour over our border and sap our resources, and obfuscating every conceivable historical and spiritual truth.

This voting season, will you legitimize the criminal gang running the country?

It's ok not to vote in this "Coke Vs. Pepsi" election. You won't die if you don't vote, regardless of what P Diddy says.

Posted 10/28/2004 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

Abilene has been famed for the past 30 years in the world of MBA newspeak. Here's the Abilene Paradox.

Four adults are sitting on a porch in 104-degree heat in the small town of Coleman, Texas, some 53 miles from Abilene. They are engaging in as little motion as possible, drinking lemonade, watching the fan spin lazily, and occasionally playing the odd game of dominoes. The characters are a married couple and the wife’s parents. At some point, the wife’s father suggests they drive to Abilene to eat at a cafeteria there. The son-in-law thinks this is a crazy idea but doesn’t see any need to upset the apple cart, so he goes along with it, as do the two women. They get in their unair-conditioned Buick and drive through a dust storm to Abilene. They eat a mediocre lunch at the cafeteria and return to Coleman exhausted, hot, and generally unhappy with the experience. It is not until they return home that it is revealed that none of them really wanted to go to Abilene–they were just going along because they thought the others were eager to go. Naturally, everyone sees this miss in communication as someone else’s problem!

As a native West Texican, I don't know whether to be flattered by the reference, or offended by the bleak characterization of the area. One thing's for sure, though; whoever wrote that has definitely been to Abilene.

Posted 10/28/2004 05:10:00 PM by Douglas

I guess I gave up on my "obligatory Gatisima picture" thread a little too soon. Who knows, if I had kept it up, I would surely have been listed in The New York Times article about "cat blogging." [Registration required: What do you expect, they're the friggin' NYT?]

It would seem unlikely that the two blogs' authors could see eye-to-eye about anything. Yet Eschaton's Duncan Black (known as Atrios) and Instapundit's Glenn Reynolds have both taken part in a growing practice: turning over a blog on Friday to cat photographs.

"I'd just blogged a whole bunch of stuff about what was wrong with the world," Mr. Drum said. "And I turned around and I looked out the window, and there was one of my cats, just plonked out, looking like nothing was wrong with the world at all."

They tend to have that effect on people. If you missed the Gatisima parade in August, you can catch up here. [Also, here, here, and here.]

So, for no particular reason, the obligatory Gatisima picture.

Labels: gatisima

Posted 10/27/2004 10:56:00 PM by Douglas

October 27th. If ever there was a day to make your life right with The Lord, it's today. Not only did we have a full moon, but also a full lunar eclipse coupled with a Boston victory in the World Series.

I honestly can't believe the Sox swept the Cards in 4 games, but here we are. If the Astros had made it to the Series, would they have laid down like a $4 whore to the Sox? Probably not, but we'll never know, will we?

Congratulations to the Sox, and to whatever is left of Boston when the fans get done looting celebrating.

Posted 10/27/2004 06:22:00 PM by Douglas

Sometimes, sleeping all day, waiting for their owners to bring them their next meal while they're licking their 'nards can be just too much for some mammals. Now, your cat may be stressed out:

Dr Danielle Gunn-Moore, senior lecturer in feline medicine at Edinburgh University's school of veterinary studies, said feline lower urinary tract disease was frustrating for vets and owners because most cases had no apparent cause.

"This group of diseases of the bladder is most commonly seen in pedigree, middle-aged, overweight male cats which don't go out much and eat a dry food diet.

"We believed stress could be a trigger and wanted to identify differences in the cats' environments and temperaments which might cause this condition."

Cats are nuts. Cat-owners will attest that it's part of their allure, while cat-haters will tell you that's why they belong in the barn chasing rats. But it's a hard sell to convince people (cat lovers as well) that an animal that sleeps 20 hours a day is stressed. But let's say you really think you cat is stressed. Is there anything you can do? Sure there is:

University researchers suggest cats with such illnesses should be fed wet food and encouraged to drink more fluid by adding tuna-flavoured ice cubes to water.

That's a sure sign of mental illness, and it's not in the feline. If you're freezing tuna-flavoured water for your pampered pussy, that's a bigger problem. I would say that society should step in before you decide to breed, but something tells me that your breeding isn't an issue.

Posted 10/27/2004 06:15:00 PM by Douglas

Bloggers beware! You're going to get fired. At least Ellen Simonetti did, and for seemingly no reason. [Thanks, long time reader!]

Queen of the Sky, otherwise known as Ellen Simonetti, evolved into an anonymous semi-fictional account of life in the sky.

But after she posted pictures of herself in uniform, Delta Airlines suspended her indefinitely without pay.

Ms Simonetti was told her suspension was a result of "inappropriate" images. Delta Airlines declined to comment.

"I was really shocked, I had no warning," Ms Simonetti told BBC News Online.

"I never thought I would get in trouble because of the blog. I thought if they had a problem, someone would have said something before taking action."

The issue has highlighted concerns amongst the growing blogging community about conflicts of interest, employment law and free speech on personal websites.

Ms Simonetti was suspended on 25 September pending an investigation and has since lodged a complaint with the US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC).

Who would have thought that a personal website would get you fired. . . unless you took questionable (however harmless) pictures inside company property. It still seems like a pretty lame reason that Delta fired her, but after a quick look at her blog, it makes me want to fire her on content alone (and no, I don't have a foot fetish).

Anyone dumb enough to blog about, or even worse, from, work, deserves what they get. I'm sure her attorneys will have this one tied up in the courts for years to come.

Posted 10/26/2004 07:21:00 PM by Douglas

For those of you looking for things to do tomorrow night, how 'bout celebrating the lunar eclipse in accordance with your pagan rituals.

Earthlings are about to be treated to a total lunar eclipse, just in time for Halloween. For more than an hour Wednesday night, the moon will be covered entirely by Earth's shadow and resemble a glowing pumpkin.

With the Earth passing directly between the sun and the moon, the only light hitting the full moon will be from the home planet's sunrises and sunsets, thus the orange and red hue.

It will be a late-night show for people in North and South America and a pre-dawn display early Thursday for those in Europe and western Africa.

A lunar eclipse is one thing, but if you really want to go for rare, try the BoSox sweeping the NL in a World Series.

Check your local listings.

Posted 10/26/2004 07:15:00 PM by Douglas

For the last couple of weeks, thanks to Lileks and Netflix, I've been stuck on film-noir from the 50s. The genre is easy to spot, and even easier to watch: The plucky broad looking out for herself, the fast-talking accomplice that's always too considerate for his own good, and the chain-smoking protagonist, whom would appear to have made a deal with the producers to save the film money by getting paid by the word.

I certainly don't want to start a "movie" blog (although I suppose some direction would be a nice change of pace) but these movies are just too wonderful to pass up. It's incredible that after over 50 years, these movies haven't been remade by the present Hollywood system that's bereft of ideas. The DVD is an amazing thing, and now anyone can step back in time when they actually paid writers to make movies, instead of computer programers that inflict different forms of destruction on
New York City. So here we go:

This Gun for Hire
What's not to like about Veronica Lake? Put her on screen against The Music Man and how can you lose? Anytime a hired killer is nice to kittens right after slapping some dame around, you know he's on the right track.

Gun Crazy (or, Deadly is the Female)
Sometimes you don't go looking for trouble, it just finds you. And when you're a guy that's just loved guns your whole life, you know it's just a matter of time before your buddies take you to a carnival, you fall in love with a woman that performs shooting exhibitions, and then you take to the road on a multi-state crime spree. It was bound to happen sooner or later. Great bank robbery scene (done in one take) and the only movie I've ever seen when a slaughterhouse gets robbed.

The Big Heat
Glenn Ford as a renegade cop with a wife and daughter who gets caught up on the wrong side of a crooked D.A. Of course, the wife and kid are soon offed, and Ford does whatever it takes to finish the case, and bring their murderers to justice. This one has it all, really, and is worth it just to see what kind of place passed for a seedy dive of ill-repute in the early 50s.

The Big Clock
Ray Milland is one of my favourite actors of the era, if for nothing else, for his eerie portrayal of a hopeless drunk in The Lost Weekend. This one has the two of the great noir devices, the double cross coupled with the mistaken identity. And, unlike The Big Heat or The Big Sleep, there really was a big clock in this one.

Pickup on South Street
What would a 50s noir movie be without the Commies, microfilm, and a three-time loser that lives down by the warf? Add a professional stool-pigeon and a flashy broad that's been knocked around all her life, and you get this masterpiece of storytelling.

The Killing
Early Kubrick at his best. This dialog hangs on the screen almost as long as his long, winding one-take shots. Plus you've got Sterling Hayden that seems to play Gen. Jack D. Ripper effortlessly in every single film he's in. The set-up of this heist is told in a series of flashbacks and other non-linearities, decades before Mr. Tarantino supposedly invented the art of film with Pulp Fiction. Kubrick shows his true art with incredible dialog (that's way too un-PC to be made today), compelling camera shots, and the obligatory twist ending that makes you want to say "damn, I should have bought a Delsey!"

Maybe I'm romantizing a past I never knew, but after watching these movies, it almost seems like today's movie-goers just end up at the theater, vapidly watching whatever drek is churned out before them, whereas 50 years ago, audiences expected a story. I would love to see Hollywood crank out a great noir movie today (like The Man Who Wasn't There), but if I had to sit through a horrible remake of one of these now classic films, I think I'd pull out my big teeth. Besides, Steve Martin already did the best remake you could hope for with Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid.

Labels: film noir

Posted 10/26/2004 07:11:00 PM by Douglas

What a bizarre hotel this is. I can't imagine that anyone would lay down this kind of money to build a structure this odd-looking. Meet the Ryugyong Hotel in Pyongyang [thanks, Agitator.]

The North Korean government began construction of the building in 1987 at an estimated cost of $750 million, or 2% of the country's GDP. For comparison, 2% of the US GDP would be about $220 billion. Ryugyong was a massive undertaking for such a poor country.

Work was halted in 1992, and nobody knows exactly why. Some say that it was for financial reasons; the DPRK economy was a disaster even then, and 1992 was about the time that widespread famine and electricity shortages began to kick in. Others say that the building isn't structurally sound due to the use of poor-quality concrete, and that it literally cannot be completed. At one point it was rumored that the North Korean government was trying to raise foreign capital to pay for major structural renovations, so the truth might lie somewhere in between.

What an ominous stalagmite hanging over the city. And I thought my country was good at wasting money.

Posted 10/26/2004 07:05:00 PM by Douglas

The very last Ashlee Simpson story here, I swear. First it was the band's fault, then it was a technical glitch. Now, it's acid reflux.

"Ashlee has acid reflux severely," Joe Simpson said. "What that does is inflames the vocal cords and swells them and when the cords are swelled, you're hoarse. You can't sing.

I truly couldn't care less about this, but I just think it's funny. You're an over-produced no talent hack that got busted lip-syncing (badly) on live TV. Deal with it, shut up, and move on. A different story every day isn't going to make it any easier, or go away any quicker.

First thing to do when you find yourself in a hole is to stop digging.

Posted 10/26/2004 06:47:00 PM by Douglas

Methane Hydrates and you. Providing energy for you and things you care about.

Lorie Langley, who is leading ORNL’s Gas Hydrate program for the Fossil Energy Program, believes ORNL can contribute significantly to DOE’s and Congress’s research agenda. Last month President Clinton signed the Methane Hydrate Research and Development Act, which authorizes approximately $50 million over five years to develop an understanding of the nature, behavior and abundance of this clean-burning energy resource.

I've never heard of this, don't understand anything about its availability, nor its feasibility. I will say that this sounds exactly like the sort of thing that Clinton would have given $50 Million of our money towards. Do we need research for alternative energy sources? Yes, but $50 Million for a gas mine at the bottom of the arctic ocean? Let's hear the pitch:

Explains Langley, “Gas hydrates are clathrate compounds. A clathrate is simply a structure in which water molecules under certain conditions bond to form an ice-like cage that encapsulates a gas molecule, known as a guest molecule. When that guest is a methane molecule, you have methane hydrate.”

OK, maybe. Shit, what do I know? Sounds like it might happen, but then again I believed that the Astros might win the World Series. But what's the bottom line here? Even if this methane exists, even if it can be retrieved and utilized, is it really worth the trouble?

Although some research has been carried out in the past, little is known about the location, formation, decomposition, or actual quantities of methane hydrates.

Well, I guess that's why we need $50 Million in research. But how 'bout a ballpark figure?

“Estimates on how much energy is stored in methane hydrates range from 350 years’ supply to 3500 years’ supply based on current energy consumption. That reflects both the potential as a resource and how little we really know about the resource,” Langley says.

Really? 350 years to 3,500 years? Let's not be hyperbolic, here, three and a half millennia is the number you wanna stick with? Ok, fine. Ya know, there's about a kazillion-bazillion years of fuel available on the Sun, just waiting for a $50 Million grant.

Posted 10/26/2004 06:35:00 PM by Douglas

Dear Guy in my office that pulled the fire alarm as I was taking a crap:

It's important to be prepared, and I'm glad you take your job seriously, really I do, but is necessary to have a fire drill when there are people in the can taking care of very important business? There are fire-wardens on every floor, so would it be that much trouble to hang the out of service sign on the door right before the drill?

Ten seconds after the alarm started I thought I could wait it out, but that damn thing is loud. Then, after about a minutes of the flashing light accompanied by a Road-runneresque "beep-beep" I thought to myself, "what if it's not a drill? What if it's a real fire?"

That's when I decided that the crapper on the 3rd floor is as good a place as any for my charred lifeless corpse to be discovered.

-Signed
Someone who ate in the cafeteria today.

Posted 10/24/2004 06:08:00 PM by Douglas

The Ashlee Simpson story, in all it's glory:

NEW YORK - Singer Ashlee Simpson's "extra help" may have been exposed when a "Saturday Night Live" audience heard her voice — singing the wrong song — while she held a microphone at her waist.

Her record company blamed a computer glitch and she blamed her band for Sunday morning's incident, which cut off her planned performance of the song "Autobiography" on the network comedy show.

Simpson had performed her hit single "Pieces of Me" without incident earlier in the show. When she came back a second time, her band started playing and the first lines of her singing "Pieces of Me" could be heard again.

She looked momentarily confused as the band plowed ahead with the song and the vocal was quickly silenced.

Simpson made some exaggerated hopping dance moves, then walked off the stage 35 seconds into the performance. NBC quickly cut to a commercial.

Her record company, Geffen Records, said there was a computer glitch. Instead of some pretaped electronic percussion, the recording of "Pieces of Me" started mistakenly performing, the record company said in a statement.

A computer glitch? How does a computer glitch make it sound like you're singing when you're not singing? I still love her reaction at the end of the show:

"What can I say?" guest host Jude Law said with Simpson standing next to him at the end of the show. "Live TV."

"Exactly," Simpson said. "I feel so bad. My band started playing the wrong song. I didn't know what to do so I thought I'd do a hoe-down."

A hoe-down? That's what you do when you're at one of your concerts and you hear yourself singing when you're not, in fact, singing? What glorious dignity and stage presence.

Posted 10/24/2004 06:00:00 PM by Douglas

And now, the famed "Roo-roo" joke:

Two men were captured in the bush by cannibals and taken captive. They were brought before the tribal chief, who informed them both that they would be killed. He advised the men that they had the choice of dying by boiling water and he pointed out a large cauldron being heated over a campfire, the quick death by spear, or roo-roo.

The first man thought for a moment and asked the chief what roo-roo was. The chief replied that roo-roo was an ancient sexual ritual, so the first man chose roo-roo. The chief replied, "that's an excellent choice," and then led the man to a large tree, tied him naked to the tree where he was sexually raped by all of the men in the village and left to die.

The other man had witnessed his partner's demise and told the chief that he preferred to die by the quick spear. The chief looked at him and said, "that's also an excellent choice too, but first roo-roo."

I don't get it.

Posted 10/24/2004 01:55:00 PM by Douglas

The ten geekiest hobbies. Pretty good start here, but I'm not sure about the order. Why didn't blogging make the list?

Posted 10/24/2004 01:45:00 PM by Douglas

The funniest thing on SNL last night wasn't one of the sketches. It was Ashlee Simpson gettin' all Milli Vanilli during her second song.

Saturday Night Live was not as "Live" as people expected last night. Musical Guest Ashlee Simpson poorly lip-synched her first song, and then a technical glitch or mistake led to the wrong vocal track being played for her second performance proving her fraud as she stood there confused while her recorded voice filled the airwaves . Simpson's band picked up the slack, attempting to save the show as Ashlee walked off the stage. Just a minute in (on a musical segment usually four or more minutes long) SNL pulled the plug, cutting quickly to a commercial.

It was pretty damn funny at the end of the show when she said her band "played the wrong song." So I guess when that happens, not only the wrong music starts playing, but also the lyrics start, too, even though no one is singing. But the real question is. . . Who Cares? Is there anyone that actually wants to hear this succubus sign? There hasn't been an actual "musical" guest on SNL in almost a decade.

If Loren Michaels is content with booking the flavor of the month to eat 10 minutes of his show with a supposed "musical" performance, he shouldn't be surprised that the people operating the lip-sync track are as untalented as the performers.

Posted 10/22/2004 09:25:00 PM by Douglas

I finally got around to watching a movie the blog has railed about in the past, Super Size Me, and while I stand by my original assessment that Morgan Spurlock is an unscrupulous media-whore, the movie, in a rather disingenuous manner, really paints a truly disturbing portrait of American culture. If you want to call it that.

Ok, we're all fat. McDonald's is everywhere. We get it. It's really a sad commentary for our country, that we're so obsessed with not only receiving instant gratification from food, but it has to be cheap, as well. Hence the "value" meal and the super-sizes that it spawned. The problem, which is totally obvious to the most casual observer, is that Americans are a victim of their own success, with no limits of how much they can consume. There was a part in the film when a guy (from Houston, natch) was getting gastric bypass surgery and describing how he went blind one day from diabetes. Then he confessed that he drinks "three or four 2-liters of soda-water" a day. Two freakin' gallons of Coke a day. How could anyone do that and live to tell about it?

What I find extremely disturbing about the media-whore's underlying subtext of his film is that it's somehow McDonald's fault that we're all hopelessly obese. Does McDonald's serve 40 Million people world wide every single day because the Broccoli council can't compete with McDonald's advertising budget? Of course not, but you're led to believe that from the movie. School kids are brain-washed by commercials to eat burgers and Pepsi, and there's nothing we can do about it.

To believe this, you not only have to believe that there's no such thing as personal responsibility anymore (which, as we all know, went out the window in 1998 with the historic Tobacco settlement), and believe that we, as Americans no longer possess free will. Of course I'm fat because of McDonald's! Have you seen their commercial for the new McGriddle?

The libertarian in me sees this as a very simple market issue. McDonald's are everywhere because everyone goes there. But then again, McDonald's is a victim of its own success, too, so is the government going to shut them down and open up a vegan falafel stand on every corner? Geez, I hope not, but considering what happened to the tobacco companies, McDonald's should be worried.

It's no irony that the "anti-fat" litigation sprang forth from the tobacco settlement. It's just a matter of time, I'm afraid. Since you claim it's McDonald's advertising that's responsible for making you fat, does that mean that the lack of advertising from sunscreen makers are at fault for making you sunburned? Hmmmmm.

I'm sure some bored attorney somewhere has already thought of this angle.

Posted 10/22/2004 05:38:00 PM by Douglas

Time for the obligatory baseball post. While it was pretty hard to see the Astros go down in game seven, that was obviously only slightly more difficult than Sox fans watching Boston win. Or at least it was for this girl.

The death of a college student from a pepper-spray-filled projectile sparked anger and questions Friday about whether police used too much force to break up rowdy Red Sox revelers outside Fenway Park.

The mayor said more police will be at neighborhood bars during the upcoming World Series to make sure fans do not get too drunk or rowdy, but he backed off his threat to ban alcohol in the area during the games.

Banning alcohol sales in Boston during a Sox world series? And this is going to prevent a riot? What in the world was he thinking? It's horrible that this girl died, but jeeze, 80,000 drunken Sox fans are likely to get out of control. It still doesn't mean you should shoot a girl in the face.

I stumbled onto this site trying to figure out how much baseball players make. If you hate your job, don't click here. New York Yankees pay out $184 Million to its players, and the number two team is BoSox at $127Mil. First off, it's incredible that they make this kind of money to play baseball. Secondly, it's amazing that the American population wouldn't piss on a homeless person if they were on fire, yet have no qualms about ponying up this kind of money for these players, whether it's tickets, merchandising, or $9 beers.

But what's even more interesting is the disparity between the top and the bottom. Yankees with $184Mil, and the Milwaukee Brewers with $27Mil. Considering that Alex Rodriguez, who, judging from game 6, leads the league in moronic, titty-baby excuses for acting like a total ass, makes $22Mil all by himself, it's amazing that the bottom half of this list can compete at all with the top half. I guess they really don't.

Posted 10/21/2004 05:49:00 PM by Douglas

Remember the good old days when towns would ban Halloween because they don't want to offend the Christians? Well, now it seems that Puyallup Washington is looking out for with witches. The real Witches.

The district says Halloween celebrations and children dressed in Halloween costumes might be offensive to real witches.

"Witches with pointy noses and things like that are not respective symbols of the Wiccan religion and so we want to be respectful of that," said Hansen.

The Wiccan, or Pagan, religion is growing in the U.S. and there are Wiccan groups in Puyallup.

Number eight on the district's guidelines related to holidays and celebrations reads as follows: "Use of derogatory stereotypes is prohibited, such as the traditional image of a witch, which is offensive to members of the Wiccan religion."

If your religion is so fragile that it's threatened by children in pointy hats begging for candy, maybe you should shop around a bit for a better God.

"I do lots of things that are not revolving around wearing a black outfit and stirring a cauldron," said Wiccan Priestess Cheryl Sulyma-Masson in an interview with ABC News where she explained that Wiccans (or Pagan Clergy) celebrate nature, not Satan.

So does that mean she's not going trick-or-treating this year? Satan's got a pretty strong grip on those witches if they turn down free Snickers.

Posted 10/20/2004 05:51:00 PM by Douglas

One of the main reasons Lockheed is sucking at the preverbal teat is because there's no one else to do the work? Somehow I doubt that.

Despite four major disappointments involving Lockheed Martin Space Systems projects in recent years, NASA is unlikely to deny the Jefferson County company future contracts, space analysts said.

That's because there are few U.S. companies with the expertise to do the work, said Max Engel, a space industry analyst for California-based Frost & Sullivan.

"NASA can't afford to cut them off," Engel said. "That raises issues about how do you incentivize companies like Lockheed Martin not to do stupid things when they're so big you still have to use them."

NASA can't afford to cut them off? Sure they can. I can think of several companies that would love to get a piece of Lockheed's NASA action (and many of them don't even start with a "B"). Here's a really clever way to incentivize them to not do stupid things that cost the project millions of dollars. Don't Pay Them. If you crash a space craft on Mars, or in Utah, or drop a satellite during testing. . . guess what folks, that comes out of your budget, not ours. But maybe I'm oversimplifying things (as usual). While we're at it, let's take a look at Lockheed's greatest hits (pun defiantly intended)

Last month, the Lockheed- built Genesis lander slammed into the Utah desert, probably because company engineers, following faulty diagrams, installed four small switches backward on the $264 million craft.

In 1999, the Mars Climate Orbiter crashed into the Red Planet because Lockheed used English measurements while a NASA team used metric. Two months later, the Lockheed- built Mars Polar Lander also crashed after its descent rockets shut off prematurely, probably because of faulty switches. Those two Mars missions cost $230 million.

Last year, Lockheed engineers in a California facility dropped a $239 million satellite on the floor, causing $135 million in damage, according to a NASA investigation.

Please stop embarrassing us, Lockheed.

Posted 10/20/2004 05:28:00 PM by Douglas

How do you know when this Atkins obsession has gone to far? When you're supplicating your cat's diet because you can't lay off the freedom-fries, something's wrong.

The controversial Atkins diet, credited by a host of celebrities for helping them acquire a svelte figure, has a new figurehead -- a portly British cat which has shed half its body weight under the regime.

Using a version of the no-carbohydrate, high-protein diet, dubbed perhaps inevitably "Catkins", Fidget has slimmed down from a hefty 22 pounds to only 11 pounds, his owner said Wednesday.

Don't cats generally eat meat? And don't cat's generally eat whatever their owners give them? Reminds me of one of an old joke (thanks, C.A.!):
Two Doberman owners were complaining about how much it cost to feed their enormous dogs. One said "yeah, he was eating me out of house and home, 'till I started feeding him collard greens." The other owner replied, "really, my dog won't eat collard greens," to which he replied, "Yeah, neither would mine. . . the first week."

Although it's rare, sometimes when dealing with an animal with a brain the size of a pecan, the human has to intervene with better judgement.

Posted 10/20/2004 05:27:00 PM by Douglas

So Miss America is in more trouble than we first thought. ABC is dropping it? Geez, who else would want it?

ABC, which has broadcast the annual beauty pageant from Atlantic City, New Jersey, for the past eight years, and was the first television network to air the event 50 years ago, has decided not to renew its option to carry the show again in 2005, a network spokesman said.

ABC's decision comes a month after Miss Alabama Deidre Downs was crowned Miss America in a show watched by 9.8 million viewers, an all-time low for the broadcast despite the introduction of skimpier swimsuits and other format changes aimed at higher TV ratings this year.

Maybe it's just me, but could it be that no one gives a shit about this glorious celebration of pubescent masturbation because no one actually cares? Just a thought.

Posted 10/19/2004 05:32:00 PM by Douglas

Here's an idea whose time has come. Now, you can turn off any TV with a single button.

Altman's key-chain fob was a TV-B-Gone, a new universal remote that turns off almost any television. The device, which looks like an automobile remote, has just one button. When activated, it spends over a minute flashing out 209 different codes to turn off televisions, the most popular brands first.

For Altman, founder of Silicon Valley data-storage maker 3ware, the TV-B-Gone is all about freeing people from the attention-sapping hold of omnipresent television programming. The device is also providing hours of entertainment for its inventor.

Just as I would, if I had one. The web site for the device is dead now, no doubt due to the response of the Wired article. But I'm still gonna have to buy two.

Posted 10/19/2004 05:17:00 PM by Douglas

Karl Rove has lost his fucking mind:

Karl Rove laid himself on the line Monday for his boss, the president of the United States.

That is, he laid himself under the wheels of Air Force One. Reason: Unclear, but it seems to have been an inside joke between Rove and President Bush.

Returning to the aircraft after Bush's foreign policy speech, the two men traded words. As Bush climbed the stairs, his top political adviser set his briefcase down in front of the tires and stretched out on the ground with his back to the wheels.

When the man that's running the country is laying down on the runway in front of the tires of Air Force One, it makes you think that we're in some real trouble. I know most Democrats would like to see him run over by the plane, but I'm getting a different picture. I think Rove is Dr. Strangelove crazy, and his handlers are doing an excellent job in keeping that from us.

Posted 10/19/2004 05:15:00 PM by Douglas

Microscopic Diamond Found in Montana.

The bright green rocks jutting through the prairie soil were hard to miss, but Tom Charlton still couldn't believe his eyes. It was kimberlite, the molten rock in which diamonds are found, and preliminary tests had yielded a microscopic diamond.

If more are found at the 80-acre site known as the Homestead property, the land could become the state's first-ever commercial diamond operation and the only working diamond mine in the United States, geologists said.

Now, if I only had a mine in Montana, and/or knew a geologist, I could head up there with my microscopic shovel and microscopic mule, and I'd make a microscopic fortune!

Posted 10/19/2004 05:08:00 PM by Douglas

I guess you can't a CNN pundit a 'dick' on TV and not suffer a backlash, right?

Stewart also poked fun at Carlson's signature bow tie and in a particularly heated moment, referred to Carlson as a "dick."

Both Carlson and cohost Paul Begala seemed taken aback by the unsmiling Stewart, who asked them repeatedly to "stop hurting America." Carlson pleaded with Stewart to "be funny," but Stewart replied, "No. I'm not going to be your monkey."

Carlson told Stewart that he was much more fun on his own show, to which Stewart answered, "I think you're as much of a dick on your show as on any other."

I'm a bit torn by this one. I agree with Radley on this in that Jon Stewart make a much better comedian than he does a political pundit, but I also can't argue with the fact that Stewart, and The Daily Show in general is pee-in-your-pants funny. Stick to what you're good at, Jon, but making fun of political hacks is certainly one of them.

Posted 10/19/2004 05:08:00 PM by Douglas

South Carolina, the meteor in the war of Northern aggression, has now confronted an issue equally as pressing as state's rights. The Mini-bottle.

South Carolina voters will decide Nov. 2 whether to maintain another of the state's modern peculiarities: the tiny bottles of liquor used in restaurants and bars.

South Carolina is the only state in the country that doesn't allow bartenders to pour drinks from regular-sized bottles of liquor. Instead, for every drink, they have to open 1.7-ounce bottles of booze like the ones served on airplanes.

Supporters of the constitutional amendment allowing free-pour liquor say minibottle-only drinks need to go the way of South Carolina institutions such as the Confederate flag that once flew over the Statehouse dome and video gambling machines, now banned from the state.

That would mean drinks will become cheaper and roads will become safer because cocktails and shots won't be so potent, they say.

But opponents argue switching to free-pour drinks will allow unscrupulous bartenders to water down drinks, reduce tax revenues and could open the state's liquor laws to yearly changes at the whim of lawmakers.

I can't imagine who would be in favor of running a bar with airline liquor, but I guess it would take the guess work out of bartending. I just hope they can resolve this without a shot being fired in anger.

Posted 10/18/2004 05:29:00 PM by Douglas

Some interesting Anti-Bush posters over at Uncle Brian's, for those of you with the bandwidth.

And, in the interest of equal time, for those that think the blog has started to lean to the left, let me just say that neither of 'em are worth voting for, and the two party system is totally bereft of credibility.

Discuss. . .

Posted 10/18/2004 04:41:00 PM by Douglas

James Lileks got around to seeing the same crappy movie I saw last week, but did a much better job of its dissection than I did. Hey, he's a professional writer, and I'm barely literate.

Watched “The Day After Tomorrow,” because I enjoy special effects, and can find the FF button on my remote in the dark. Notes to director Roland Emmerich:

< snip >

5. Next time, have Dennis Quaid set his Acting Face on something other than “woke up to the sound of the smoke alarm.”

6. Early in the movie we infer that Dennis Quaid is no longer married to Sela Ward because his demanding job as a paleoclimatologist drove her away. Given that this means he preferred drilling ice to – well, Sela Ward, do you expect us to have any sympathy for this idiot at all?

7. You remember that scene where the guys in the Scottish station are sitting around pounding the Balvenie, knowing they're going to die, and one of the guys is talking about never seeing his son grow up as if he's describing a lottery ticket he lost six years ago that may or may not have had the winning numbers? Bookmark that scene should you ever wake in the middle of the night wondering "do I suck, completely?"

Reading his description of that movie was way more entertaining than actually watching it. Lileks is funny that way. Also gotta love this musical description:

. . . put on spooky music that raises the hackles and chills the blood – Celine Dion, mostly – . . .

Ha!

Posted 10/17/2004 02:52:00 PM by Douglas

If you're a moose, don't get in a fight with a power-line in Alaska, because the power lines always win.

In one of those only-in-Alaska stories that will shock even the sourest of sourdoughs, a trophy-sized bull moose was accidentally strung up in a power line under construction to the Teck Pogo gold mine southeast of Fairbanks. The moose apparently got its antlers tangled in electrical wire before workers farther down the line pulled the line tight about two weeks ago.

The moose was suspended 50 feet in the air when workers, recognizing something was wrong, backtracked and found it.

The moose was alive when it was lowered to the ground but was later killed when officials from the Alaska Department of Fish and Game decided against tranquilizing it to remove the wires because they were worried the moose, already stressed, would die and the meat would not be salvageable as a result of the drugs.

What's the greater tragedy? That the moose died, or that meat wouldn't be salvageable?

Posted 10/17/2004 02:50:00 PM by Douglas

Firefighters. Heroes, or douche-bags? You be the judge.

A veteran firefighter from the Southlake Department of Public Safety has been fired for supervising the hosing down of the Southlake Carroll band and color guard, injuring 13 students.

One color guard student, Liz Schmiedel, 16, suffered a knocked-out tooth, three loosened and chipped teeth, and abrasions to her lips, chin, hip, knees, hand and wrist.

Because as we all know, it takes a real hero to bust a flag-girl in the mouth and knock out some teeth.

But to be fair not all firefighters participate in acts of douche-baggery, just like they're not all heroes. They're city workers getting paid to do a job, just like cops, the dog catcher and the garbage men.

Posted 10/16/2004 05:44:00 PM by Douglas

Maybe I don't have anything for this story, but it's still funny.

When police went to Ronnie Luhn's home Friday looking for a few newspaper boxes that were reported stolen, they got more than they expected.

"They were in the bathroom, kitchen, entire living room, bedroom and garage," said Gary Storemski, an investigator with the Houston Police Department's Burglary and Theft Division.

Police found 181 coin-operated newspaper boxes stacked and crammed in Luhn's one-bedroom home in the 1700 block of Silber. Of the machines, 124 belong to the Houston Chronicle and 57 are the property of El Dia, the local Spanish-language daily paper.

In many cases, Luhn had broken the locks of boxes, then replaced them with his own locks, which he would use to collect change weekly.

181 newspaper machines? If stealing quarters out of the paper machine is a sizeable source of income for you, it's time to consider a career change.

Posted 10/16/2004 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

The dumbest movie in recent memory, The Day After Tomorrow apparently was rather inspiring to some people.

There was no "Day After Tomorrow" for Charles Alton Adams' mobile home, which the south Georgia man told police he set on fire after watching the disaster movie and drinking beer.

Adams, 32, walked into the Crisp County Law Enforcement Center early Thursday and told deputies he had burned down the doublewide home.

He told deputies that after watching "The Day After Tomorrow," a special-effects extravaganza depicting deadly natural disasters caused by global warming, and drinking nine or 10 beers, he decided to set fire to pillows on his bed.

When asked why, Crisp County Sheriff Donnie Haralson said, "I have asked that question myself. ... The whole thing just doesn't really make sense."

Haralson said Adams was been charged with arson. He remained jailed Friday as family members attempted to raise money for his bond.

Surprising things about this story:

• Someone not only watched this steamin' turd of a movie, but was also inspired by it
• Alton Adams lived in a trailer
• Alcohol was involved
• He's having a hard time raising bail

Posted 10/15/2004 05:32:00 PM by Douglas

Some more link love. Enthalpy is listed on 'links' at Human Iterations, just under David Grenier, all of which just tickles me pink.

Posted 10/15/2004 05:26:00 PM by Douglas

I can't believe I keep missing Jon Stewart making the rounds on cable pitching his book, but apparently he got into it with Tucker Carlson on Crossfire this week, and let's just say, it got heated:

STEWART: So I wanted to come here today and say...

STEWART: Here's just what I wanted to tell you guys.

CARLSON: Yes.

STEWART: Stop.

STEWART: Stop, stop, stop, stop hurting America.

BEGALA: OK. Now

STEWART: And come work for us, because we, as the people...

CARLSON: How do you pay?

STEWART: The people -- not well.

BEGALA: Better than CNN, I'm sure.

STEWART: But you can sleep at night.

STEWART: See, the thing is, we need your help. Right now, you're helping the politicians and the corporations. And we're left out there to mow our lawns.

BEGALA: By beating up on them? You just said we're too rough on them when they make mistakes.

STEWART: No, no, no, you're not too rough on them. You're part of their strategies. You are partisan, what do you call it, hacks.

A stand-up comic with a fake-news show on Comedy Central going on CNN and calling them hacks is pretty damn impressive. And long overdue. But apparently, Mr. Carlson got ticked off that Kerry was on The Daily Show and Jon Stewart pitched him some easy question. But you gotta love his assessment:

CARLSON: Well, I'm just saying, there's no reason for you -- when you have this marvelous opportunity not to be the guy's butt boy, to go ahead and be his butt boy. Come on. It's embarrassing.

STEWART: I was absolutely his butt boy. I was so far -- you would not believe what he ate two weeks ago.

Ouch. Butt-boy? That's the best he could do? A trained sycophant for the RNC like Tucker Carlson, and the best he could do was "butt-boy?" Geez.

But what does Jon really think of Tucker Carlson and his bow tie?

STEWART: You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show.

CARLSON: Now, you're getting into it. I like that.

Double ouch. Jon, drive it home for us. Why are the "real" news whores (and I use that term as loose as the pun) so ticked off at Jon Stewart and his "fake" news?

STEWART: But my point is this. If your idea of confronting me is that I don't ask hard-hitting enough news questions, we're in bad shape, fellows.

For anyone that can't tell that the "news" is just sensationalistic crap designed to drive up ratings, may I suggest they rent Network, and shut the hell up. Also, keep in mind that it was made 28 years ago, and has since been adopted as FoxNew's business model.

Posted 10/15/2004 05:14:00 PM by Douglas

Next week, in the latest issue of Duh! magazine. Cell phones cause brain tumors.

Ten or more years of mobile phone use increases the risk of developing acoustic neuroma, a benign tumor on the auditory nerve, according to a study released on Wednesday by Sweden's Karolinska Institute.

I can't wait to see how T-Spri-izon spins this. Analog cell phones? This study's data seems so general, and completely non-applicable to technology in wide use today.

The risk was confined to the side of the head where the phone was usually held and there were no indications of increased risk for those who have used their mobile for less than 10 years, the Karolinska Institute said in a statement.

Well shit, it's only on the side of your head where you use your phone? What are you bitching at? Buy a hat after they lop off half your head! But what of the particulars of the study?

"At the time when the study was conducted only analog mobile phones had been in use for more than 10 years and therefore we cannot determine if there results are confined to use of analog phones or if the results would be similar also after long-term use of digital (GSM) phones," it said.

Through the rapidly evolving technology of the cell-phone industry, they've put themselves in the unique position of only knowing the present dangers of last year's model. By the time any legitimate research is done on the current phones, I'm sure they'll be replaced.

But for now, the GSM phones are Ok, right? That's not the reason I crap my pants every time I walk by a microwave, is it? Is It?!?

Labels: Duh

Posted 10/15/2004 05:11:00 PM by Douglas

Until late August of this year, I hadn't been on a commercial flight since before 9/11/01. I knew that the more stringent security measures in place were bordering on the absurd, but they weren't that bad, were they? Sometimes the line gets pretty long, but what are ya gonna do? Well, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has really raised the bar, and by raising the bar, I mean they threw up on it.

The government agency in charge of airport security spent nearly a half-million dollars on an awards ceremony at a lavish hotel, including $81,000 for plaques and $500 for cheese displays, according to an internal report obtained by The Associated Press.

Awards were presented to 543 Transportation Security Administration employees and 30 organizations, including a "lifetime achievement award" for one worker with the 2-year-old agency. Almost $200,000 was spent on travel and lodging for attendees.

Sorry for hitting on the obvious, but $500 for a cheese display? $500 for cheese?!? That's got to be some party. But besides the guys footing the bill (us) for this, who's really getting screwed here?

The report said lower-level employees were shortchanged, with a far lower percentage receiving bonuses.

Pardon my lack of compassion for "lower-level" employees, but who gives a fuck who was shortchanged? This is half a million dollars of our money spent on the TSA prom! Is it stupid that 81 grand was spent on plaques? Yes, but it wasn't more stupid because "lower-level employees were shortchanged" on the 81 grand plaques, was it?

Focus, people. You've got a necessary, yet totally thankless job. Just try not to be a total dick the next time I forget I've got fingernail clippers in my carry-on, OK? Is that too much to ask? Hell, I'll even bring you some cheese.

Posted 10/15/2004 05:10:00 PM by Douglas

McDonald's is in trouble. Even though we're fatter than we've ever been, we're not fat enough. Or at least in England, where sales are really starting to tank. So, what's the brilliant idea from the marketing team? A new sign.

McDonald's is sending its famous Golden Arches logo on a two-week vacation as the company tries to convince British customers that its menu has shifted from junk food to healthy eating.

I think it's going to take more than a two-week vacation and new sign to convince anyone that McDonald's has a menu conducive to healthy eating.

The temporary campaign, beginning Friday, will replace the Golden Arches with a yellow question mark and the line, "McDonald's. But not as you know it."

What the hell? A question mark? How 'bout a clogged artery? How 'bout a microwaved burger that was made six hours ago? There's lots of logos more apt for McDonald's in their transitional phase than a question mark. What's the International symbol for "There was a wait at Denny's?"

Posted 10/15/2004 05:08:00 PM by Douglas

The biggest issue that faces Houston today? No, it's not the fact that the Astros are down two games in the NLCS. Mayor White has set his sights on the real menace to Space City: Early dumpers.

Residents who place heavy trash on their curbsides too early can expect some unwanted visits from city officials.

"City Officials," really? Policemen? Firefighters? Who is going to enforce this? Surely not a roving gang of deputized idiots that don't have anything better with their lives than to drive around and make sure no one puts their trash out too early, is it?

The city plans to deputize 300 civilian employees in the near future to allow them to issue tickets as part of an effort to get tough on violators, officials said Wednesday.

It's come to this, hasn't it? We're ratting out our neighbor because they've got some rotten fish and some cat litter in their trash can, and they set it on the curb too soon. Why just fine 'em? What's wrong with jail time?

"We don't want to throw out common sense with zero tolerance," Lumpkin said. "If an elderly person has heavy trash out too early because the lawn man put it there, we'll probably ask a neighbor to help out. But ultimately, the homeowner is responsible."

I thought 'zero tolerance' was a antonym for 'common sense?' Has there ever been an instance where the two have coexisted reasonably? And what's so damn special about an elderly person's garbage? Who the hell do they think is going to comprise this posse of vigilantes? Teenagers? No, it's going to be old people with nothing better to do with their day. Which is fine. Spotting trash violators is a much more productive activity for Seniors than writing letters to their Congressman, or God forbid, voting.

Posted 10/15/2004 05:05:00 PM by Douglas

Aloha! Wanna buy some crap?

Wal-Mart Stores Inc. opened a store in Hawaii on Wednesday with hundreds of eager shoppers rushing past a handful of protesters who accuse the giant retailer of desecrating ancient gravesites.

Customers lined up hours ahead and then poured into the discount store after a traditional Hawaiian blessing and the untying of a lei at the main doors.

Native Hawaiian groups had tried to stop the opening until 44 remains of Hawaiians unearthed during construction could be reburied at the Wal-Mart site.

Anything new here? Maybe the grave desecration angle is new, but this sounds just like any other Wal-Mart opening anywhere in America: Locals protesting that it's ruining their community, while people are lined up down the street to get in and blow this month's rent.

I wonder if a Hawaiian Wal-Mart is cheaper than a mainland Wal-Mart, since the cheep, Chinese crap has such a shorter distance to travel? Who am I kidding, it's all got to go through Arkansas first, anyway.

Posted 10/15/2004 06:30:00 AM by Douglas

It's been a week, and I feel a bit better. A lot has happened in the Greater Houston Metro Area in the last week. Or at least a cold front, which brings with it the first person in the office I heard saying "I'm ready for summer." I think she was beaten and walled up in an abandoned coke oven. Anyhoo. . .

In my absence, I found out that there are some people that actually stop by here from time to time that I didn't even know about. So that's pretty cool, and I'd sure hate to disappoint. Sooo, since I have nothing else to say, I'll just leave you with one thing on this glorious autumn morning.

Happy Birthday, Dad! As a long-time reader, you'll be pleased to know you're the first that got your mug-shot up on the wall of fame that wasn't a cat:

Also, and I'd hate to disappoint the male half of my parental unit, but I think this page is the closest you're going to get to being photographed with Anna Kournikova.

Happy Birthday, DOD!

Much more pointless drivel to come later today.

Posted 10/12/2004 07:25:00 PM by Douglas

The blog is so tired. Tired of a vacuous political process, tired of being pissed off, tired of the ridiculous that was once so inspiring to the blog, tired of being referred to in the third person. Hell, someone got caught doin' it in the friggin' Alamo this week, and I got nothin'. Nothin'!!!

So I'm going to go away for a while and not think about the blog. Anyone with any divine inspiration of the absurd, feel free to send it on. Note: new email listed on the left side bar. Turns out the bastards at Elvis.com finally want some money, so yahoo will have to do for now, but enthalpy@yahoo.com was already taken. Who'd a thunk there's a bigger dork out there than me? I think I should email them to see what their deal is.

See ya later, and don't forget to floss.

Posted 10/12/2004 07:14:00 PM by Douglas

I really like this picture, for some reason. That kid is doing what we're all thinking:

I'm no mind reader, but I don't think he's thinking about tennis. . .

Posted 10/08/2004 06:20:00 PM by Douglas

One question from this story: What the hell? When I first read "rocket belt" I really didn't think that meant what I thought it meant. But it did:

A partner in the creation of a rocket belt that has flown once publicly has until next week to turn it over to a state district court or be fined and jailed.

State District Judge John Wooldridge said after a hearing Friday that Bradley W. Barker must present the belt to the court by noon Friday or face up to a $500 fine and six months in jail. If he doesn't bring it, he must explain why he should not be held in contempt.

The contraption can hold a person aloft for 27 seconds. It flew publicly only in 1995 at a Houston Rockets party.

Maybe this is why privately funded aerospace ventures can't get off the ground. Too much fighting over the "rocket belt."

Posted 10/08/2004 06:05:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like Amarillo is going to get its wish. Looks like T.T. is headed to Dallas for treatment.

An HIV-positive Amarillo woman will undergo inpatient treatment in Dallas and participate in an outpatient communicable disease program under a court agreement reached Thursday.

The city of Amarillo filed a civil suit last month in 47th District Court against the unidentified woman, claiming she represented a public health threat because she continued to work as a prostitute and refused treatment.

State health officials think the legal action is the first of its kind in Texas.

Under the agreement, the woman, identified only as T.T., will be treated and monitored for as long as 90 days at a Dallas facility designated by the Texas Health Commissioner. The agreement was signed Thursday by the woman, 47th District Judge Hal Miner, Dr. J. Rush Pierce, health authority for the Bi-City-County Health District, and Assistant City Attorney Mike McMillen.

There's something to be said for the path of least resistance, even when you're HIV positive. But I guess we can all be glad it didn't go to trial. It would have been an ugly precedent in an even uglier situation.

Posted 10/08/2004 05:56:00 PM by Douglas

Interesting, if not particularly inspired satire about the current state of space exploration.

This country was bounded to the West by a desert. One day a telescope built on one of the country's mountains revealed what looked like sea far away beyond the desert which would have to be crossed in order to discover if there was habitable land on the coast. So the politicians got together and established a government agency to send some people through the desert. They called it the National Agricultural Frontier Administration, NAFA for short, and charged it with a dramatic task to demonstrate the vigour of the nation: it would carry out a "mission" to send people right through the desert to the West coast of the continent and bring them back safely, within a decade.

What's ironic about this tediously extrapolated example is that America's westward expansion and the privately funded exploration of space are all bound by the same limits: Nothing. Well, not really, as everything has limits, but in the example they use, the exploration of the West coast, settlers had to have a way to get there and the balls to pull it off. As Rutan has exhibited, what's stopping anyone today from building and flying their own spacecraft? Nothing.

I don't think anyone would ever say with a straight face that the government (and NASA specifically) isn't wasting money, but that's no excuse for the privately funded expeditions to stop, is it? The sky is an awfully big place, and there's plenty of room for anyone who wants to go. Could it be that it's still a pretty damn complicated technical problem?

But don't blame NAFA because wagons are complicated and expensive, because the Western horizon is still going to be there when you're ready.

Posted 10/08/2004 05:41:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like UT is trying to find a way to cook the admissions books to make everyone happy, with limited results. Texas schools are in trouble, and they've got to do something if they're going to compete with schools like Michigan and Berkeley (which easily cost three times the amount for in-state tuition than Texas does), but it's statements like this that really get me:

A better change would be to guarantee admission to the University of Texas system, but not necessarily to the flagship Austin campus, he said.

"That offers more flexibility for students and for schools in the UT system," said Janek.

California has such a system. Students in the top 4 percent of their class are automatically admitted, but they don't have a choice of campus.

So, California's socialistic approach to public education is the answer? As a person that truly benefited from the 10% rule at the time, I have to say that it didn't seem like that big of a problem. People that didn't need to be there weren't there for that second or third semester.

But I can't imagine the alternative: "We would like to congratulate you on your acceptance to The University of Texas. Also, Welcome to El Paso. Hablamos inglés, también."

Posted 10/07/2004 05:55:00 PM by Douglas

Sometimes I love the Amarillo Globe News just for the headlines:

Cactus woman charged in deaths

Agggggh! Look out! It's Cactus Woman!!!!

Holy shit I need a nap. . .

Posted 10/07/2004 05:45:00 PM by Douglas

Gun-nuts looking for love take note. Ladies day at the gun range coming up this Saturday.

The Amarillo Rifle and Pistol Club will sponsor Ladies Day from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. Saturday at the club, 7650 N. Western St.

Club member Michelle Lacko, who competed in the June USA Shooting 2004 National Championships at Fort Benning, Ga., will host the free event open to the public, a news release said.

Is a "news release" a way for the Amarillo Rifle and Pistol Club to make the paper without buying an ad? Probably.

And now, simply because I'm a complete idiot, are some gun range pick-up lines:

• It may be big, but once you get it in your hand and feel the balance, you'll be squeezing off shots like a pro in no time.
• Pass the lube.
• It'll punch a hole in the cardboard at 100 yards.
• Why is yours so much bigger than his?
• Mine's full-auto.
• My finger isn't even close to your trigger.
• Mind if I 'chamber a round?'
• Nice Glock. Wanna fuck?

Time for that nap now.

Posted 10/07/2004 05:35:00 PM by Douglas

Sometimes when you hear a ticking box at the post office, it's not a bomb. It's a watch.

A downtown post office was evacuated this morning when workers found a suspicious package that turned out to contain some watches, a spiral notebook and a few other personal items.

Postal workers called police around 8:23 a.m., and the resulting hubbub left thousands of downtown workers wondering the reason behind all the police tape and sirens.

It sounds silly after the fact, but something tells me that a package that's ticking is probably a pretty distinctive warning sign. A warning sign that whoever sent the bomb is really dumb. I mean really, what terrorist doesn't use digital timers these days?

Posted 10/06/2004 06:17:00 PM by Douglas

I've never wanted to eat a rabbit so bad in my life. Ya know what, Gunter, don't threaten me with killing the bunny. Some dumb American will kill him, eat him, and tell you how bad he tastes before you even get the chance if you keep that attitude up.

Posted 10/06/2004 06:11:00 PM by Douglas

Clara Harris, round two.

A woman who ran over her cheating husband outside the hotel where they married a decade earlier wants her murder conviction overturned, saying evidence that she accidentally struck him was excluded from her trial.

Clara Harris was sentenced to 20 years in prison and a $10,000 fine last year for killing David Harris in July 2002 after finding him at a suburban Houston hotel with his mistress. A three-judge panel from the 1st Court of Appeals in Houston heard arguments Wednesday.

I'm not an attorney, and I don't play one on TV, but isn't your appeal process over once Law & Order has produced an episode of your sensationalistic story? Isn't that a right guaranteed in The Constitution? I'm pretty sure it's in the back somewhere. . . .

So why is she appealing her conviction?

Harris' attorneys said the court erred by not allowing jurors to see a videotape and virtual reality re-creation of her car's route in the parking lot that night. They say excluding the tapes prevented Harris from presenting a complete defense.

"Clara did not intentionally strike David and did not run over him repeatedly," her attorney, George McCall Secrest, told the panel. "Her intention was to hit the vehicle. Her intention never was to strike anybody."

See, that's the trouble with videotape. It doesn't record intentions. Since I wasn't a juror, I saw the videotape countless times. As did millions of others in the greater Houston Metro area. We saw her circling her Mercedes Benz over the body of her lifeless husband at least three times. I didn't see her intentions a single time.

But hey, look on the bright side: Even if there is video tape evidence of you killing your spouse, there's still room for an appeal. What a country!

Posted 10/06/2004 06:03:00 PM by Douglas

The USGS. Your first source for lava tracking on Hawai`i. Along with some spactacular pictures of lava meeting ocean.

Thanks, Dave!

Posted 10/06/2004 05:55:00 PM by Douglas

Ever wondered why no one has ever ranked the different cell phones for their radiation levels? Well, wait no longer.

Sir William Stewart, the chairman of the Health Protection Agency and the National Radiation Protection Board, complained that not enough information on mobile emissions was made public in an interview with The Telegraph last month.

Sir William, who will publish new guidelines on mobile phones and health by the end of the year, said: "There is a website set up by manufacturers but have you tried to navigate that site to find SAR [Specific Absorption Rate - the rate at which the body absorbs emissions] values? I can tell you it is not easy."

Two questions: Why isn't this information made as publicly available as the calorie content on a box of Cheerios, and how could anyone not trust a guy called "Sir William?"

Posted 10/05/2004 09:16:00 PM by Douglas

I can only imagine that the first few minutes after death must be terribly disappointing to an astronaut like Gordon Cooper. "Hey, God. . . uh. . . I've seen this part already. Lets skip to the good stuff after the next Rev."

Gordon Cooper Jr., one of the original seven astronauts who became national celebrities during the Cold War space race, died Monday at his home in Ventura, Calif. He was 77.

Cooper, who piloted the last flight of NASA's Mercury program and later set a space endurance record during a Gemini mission, died of natural causes, said a spokesman for the Ventura County medical examiner.

NASA leaders described 'Gordo' Cooper as a space program pioneer whose achievements inspired others to continue to explore the universe. But Cooper's reputation for being brash overshadowed a man who Schirra called sincere and hard working.

His death leaves just three living Mercury astronauts: Schirra, John Glenn and Scott Carpenter.

Chris Kraft, a former Johnson Space Center flight director during the Mercury missions, described Cooper as brash and someone who "showed up on the scene ready to take on the world."

Well, in a word, 'duh'. What else could you say about these guys that hasn't already been said? Not too many people get the opportunity to do something no other human being has ever attempted, and whatever you think about the Cold War and its part that spawned the Space Race of the 60s, the actions of these men count for something. Someone had to sit on top of that rocket and hope that the "lowest bidder" was good enough.

One of my favourite scenes from The Right Stuff was Cooper's flight, the last flight in Project Mercury. After getting sealed into a can on top of a kazillion pounds of rocket fuel before the launch, what does he do? He takes a nap.

Makes me want to throw up at how easily the term hero is so casually tossed around these days.

God Speed, Gordo.
Rest in Peace.

Posted 10/05/2004 08:48:00 PM by Douglas

There's a draft in the House of Representatives? Did someone leave the door open? It's only October?

No, not that kind of draft, the violation of the 13th amendment kind of draft.

The House of Representatives on Tuesday crushed a bill to reinstitute the draft as Republicans accused Democrats of raising the specter of compulsory military service to turn voters against President Bush's reelection bid.

With the presidential and congressional elections less than a month away, the White House also worked to dampen draft rumors that Republicans said have been fueled by Democrats. It threatened to veto the bill it called "both unnecessary and counterproductive."

I'm sorry, but I've read this whole damn article, and I still can't figure out what it's saying. Is there a bill, is there a rumor of a bill? I just don't know. I don't know what the Democrats are trying to quell. But I can say this. The most unoriginal war-cliche of the article this time around goes to Rep. John Dingell of Michigan:

"This is a rich man's war, and it's a poor man's fight," said Rep. John Dingell, a Michigan Democrat.

Thanks, John. It's that kind of 1,000 year old, blindingly unenlightened insight that's putting your party on the fast-track towards becoming the Whigs of the 21st Century.

Longtime readers will know I'm not a big fan of the draft, (main link is dead, but link to HR-163 is good, but PDF. Sorry) but to use it for political wrangling is just plain stupid. The bill, HR-163, exists. Read it before booking your VW bus trip to Canada.

Posted 10/05/2004 08:39:00 PM by Douglas

Ah, autumn. Time for football, cooler weather, the World Series, and the first "Holy shit, you'd better get your flu shot, because this year is gonna be really bad, and if you don't get it NOW, you're gonna die soon" article. It's more reliable than the turning of the leaves, at least where I'm from.

The company that makes nearly half the flu vaccine used in the United States said on Tuesday it will not supply any vaccine for the coming flu season because of problems at its plant in Britain.

The announcement left U.S. officials scrambling to pull together a flu vaccination program.

Holy shit! What do we do? What do we do?!?

That would leave the United States with at least an estimated 54 million doses of vaccine made by other companies -- far short of the 100 million health officials had expected to have on hand.

You're not helping. . . .

Well, at least this year isn't going to be particularly bad, is it?

The news hit just as the United States was starting its annual flu vaccine program -- one that health officials had hoped would be its biggest yet. Last year's flu season hit early and unusually hard and doctors hoped that would encourage a usually apathetic population to get the vaccine.

Apathetic? Apathetic?? Fuck you, Jack, you're the one that ran out vaccine. How 'bout a plan B, Dr. Smartass?

"This is serious but we are on top of it," Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson told a news conference.

Sleep tight, folks, they're "on top of it." The same idiots that brought you the War on Drugs and the War on Terror are now on top of the War on the Flu. Let's all hope these government boneheads are slightly more successful this time around. But really, are we in danger?

Influenza kills 36,000 people in the United States and 500,000 worldwide in an average season.

Ok, I admit I'm a bit cynical, but 36K a year? You've got to be yankin' my crank, right? How many of those are people under 10 and over 80 that wouldn't see New Year's Eve even if they didn't get the flu? I'd bet that the number of adults that die each year from the flu is somewhat less than that.

But what about the shot itself? Why does the government give it to you for free? What else does the government give anyone for free that's actually worth a damn? Everything the government provides, from paved roads to space travel, costs at least three times what it would cost in the private sector. So why do they bother? Maybe I should dust off my tin-foil hat (or at least my fluoridated water filter), but I just don't see the urgency for such a massive vaccination. Forget for a moment that they're loaded with mercury, but I just haven't seen any testimony towards their effectiveness.

Here's an offer. Since they're free, I can't offer anything compensatory in lieu of a flu shot, but for anyone interested, I'll send you a piece of my "flu stone" I carry around with me. I can 100% guarantee it's just as effective as the shot, and it contains no mercury. Or needles.

Posted 10/05/2004 07:31:00 PM by Douglas

Maybe I'm showing my age but I can remember when drinks proudly advertised their caffeine-free status. Even forcing the caffeinated elephant of the soft-drink world, Coke, to introduce a caffeine-free variety. Well, not anymore. Now the caffeine craze has reached the wonderful world of beer. Or at least Anheuser-Busch, which is close enough.

Brewer Anheuser-Busch says it will introduce a caffeinated, sweet-flavored beer for twentysomething club goers to compete with the flavored rums and vodkas gaining ground on the dance floor.

The new beer B(E) -- read as "B to the E power" -- will roll out in several phases starting in November.

Advertising will focus on in-store merchandising and promotions at bars and nightclubs, with some local print work and online marketing, Anheuser-Busch officials said.

Why? Aside from the obvious question, here's my hilarious headlines:

• After over 150 years, Anheuser-Busch discovers a way to make their beer suck more.
• "B to the E power." Because "S to the UX power" didn't fit on the side of the can.
• Why pass out after 20 beers? Now you don't have to. Bud with Caffeine! Because 20 beers really brings out your best ideas, and your friends really want to hear them at that very moment!
• "B to the E power" It's math, stupid.

Ok, I'm done.

Or maybe I'm not. The spousal unit would like to add the following:

• Caffeine? What's the fucking point, it's a depressant?

Or something like that.

Posted 10/04/2004 06:52:00 PM by Douglas

Caption time!

• Hey look! A penny!
• While Kerry's performance as a center was described as perfunctory, he suddenly realized the guy who had his hands up his ass wasn't the quarterback.
• Nobody move! I lost my contact lens!
• Alright TeRAYsa, I'll assume the position. But the safety word for tonight is ketchup, not catsup.
• With less than one month before the Presidential Election, Senator Kerry decided to pull his head out of his ass.
• Holy crap, Senator, what the hell did you eat?!?
• Do these pants make my butt look big?

OK, enough of that.

Posted 10/04/2004 06:45:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like Rutan claimed the X prize today, and while not the coolest thing to happen to humanity since we figured out how to fry cheese, it does show some important milestones. Civilians are not only interested in going to space, but they're also willing to fund it. I'm afraid that this isn't the dawn of a new day in aerospace, and the comparison between this event and the Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk are way off the mark. But here's were Burt falls off the deep end:

"The big guys, the Boeings, the Lockheeds and the naysaying people at Houston ... I think they are looking at each other now and saying, `We're screwed,'" Rutan said.

That may very well be, but not because of this. They've got a sub-orbital vehicle that has about 1/100th of the capabilities of NASA's latest obsolete vehicle, the Space Shuttle Orbiter. And considering that Rutan has allegedly spent $30 Million (he's not saying) to claim a $10 Million prize, it's not exactly like he's found a way for this whole space-travel deal to pay for itself, either. It's a great start, and quite amazing that he's done it without any government money, but he ain't there yet.

Welcome to 1961, Burt. You've got a long way to go.

Posted 10/03/2004 03:04:00 PM by Douglas

Interesting site that shows how much federal tax money each state receives for each dollar they pay. What's interesting is that 16 states get back less money than they give, but 32 get more than they pay, with only two states, Florida and Oregon, breaking even. I'm sure that after four hurricanes this year, Florida is going to be on the other column next year.

The first and obvious question is: where is all that money coming from?

But of course, someone is going to look at this data and determine that it's all part of Bush's master plan to buy votes.

The report shows that of the 32 states (and the District of Columbia) that are "winners" -- receiving more in federal spending than they pay in federal taxes -- 76% are Red States that voted for George Bush in 2000. Indeed, 17 of the 20 (85%) states receiving the most federal spending per dollar of federal taxes paid are Red States. Here are the Top 10 states that feed at the federal trough (with Red States highlighted in bold):

1. D.C. ($6.17)
2. North Dakota ($2.03)
3. New Mexico ($1.89)
4. Mississippi ($1.84)
5. Alaska ($1.82)
6. West Virginia ($1.74)
7. Montana ($1.64)
8. Alabama ($1.61)
9. South Dakota ($1.59)
10. Arkansas ($1.53)

Ok, that's all good, but look at the number of electoral votes these states get. Not exactly the power-house electorate that would justify political pandering.

1. D.C. 3
2. North Dakota 3
3. New Mexico 5
4. Mississippi 6
5. Alaska 3
6. West Virginia 5
7. Montana 3
8. Alabama 9
9. South Dakota 3
10. Arkansas 6

And now, for completely no reason, here is the list of the ten states with the most electoral votes, and Republican states (in 2000) are in bold.

1. California $0.81 55
2. Texas $0.92 34
3. New York $0.81 31
4. Florida $1.00 27
5. Illinois $0.77 21
6. Pennsylvania $1.08 21
7. Ohio $1.02 20
8. Michigan $0.90 17
9. Georgia $1.01 15
10. New Jersey $0.62 15

Interesting that only six of the ten biggest states lose tax money, yet only four of them went to the Republicans in 2000.

So if the Republicans are using federal money to buy votes, they're doing a really bad job of buying the ones that count.

Posted 10/03/2004 02:37:00 PM by Douglas

The good news is that you're a 20-something college student and you got your first book published. The bad news is that your books is all about how you got wasted all the time. And what's worse is that your mom is probably going to read it.

In Mark R. Dye's College and the Art of Partying, casual sex, drinking and smoking pot are the norms. The writer, a twenty-something, first-time author, paints a compelling image of what it is to party in college. According to the author there is an definite art to partying, and drawing on his college experience at Colorado State University, where he was definitely an AOPer (Dye's own acronym for "Art of Partying"), he writes this crude and dark, yet surprising philosophical "guide."

Yes, because getting drunk and stoned all the time in college is such a unique experience, it must be shared with the world! But I bet it's a good way to get laid, right?

For example, he goes into great, and almost inappropriate lengths (i.e. two whole pages)to "accurately" describe his friend Cyndi's breasts. From his distincly[sic] male perspecive [sic], her boobs are a work of art that needs addressing.

I bet his mom really likes that part. Almost as much as Cyndi does.

Posted 10/03/2004 02:13:00 PM by Douglas

Another kind of interesting way to waste some time with a digital camera. Sadly, this one doesn't involve painting slogans on your girlfriend's boobies.

Posted 10/02/2004 01:27:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like T.T. isn't going to go quietly.

An HIV-infected woman has filed court documents denying claims in a civil lawsuit seeking to force her into treatment.

The city of Amarillo filed a civil suit last month in 47th District Court against the unidentified woman. State health officials think the legal action is the first of its kind in Texas.

In a court document filed Wednesday, the woman, identified only as T.T., denies all claims in an application for extended court-ordered management and asks a court to deny the application. The application asks a judge to place her in a residential drug treatment program for up to a year.

Where does an HIV positive crack-whore find an attorney? Is that what's referred to as "pro-boner" (or is it pro-bono) work?

This story is going to be a movie of the week in about six months.

Posted 10/01/2004 06:05:00 PM by Douglas

Four hurricanes on the Southeast coast, volcanoes on the Northwest coast . . . What are we supposed to do in the middle, and what, pray tell, is next?

Posted 10/01/2004 05:49:00 PM by Douglas

Guess who isn't going to be Boeing's employee of the year this year? This person.

A former Air Force official was sentenced to nine months in prison Friday after admitting that she helped Boeing Co. obtain an inflated price on a $23 billion contract while she sought an executive job at the company.

Druyun, 56, of Vienna, Va., pleaded guilty in April to conspiring to violate conflict-of-interest rules by negotiating with Boeing for a job while overseeing Pentagon consideration of a $23 billion deal to provide 100 refueling-tanker planes. She was hired by Boeing and then fired 10 months later for what the company called unethical conduct.

"She did this as a parting gift to Boeing and to ingratiate herself into Boeing," said federal prosecutor Robert Wiechering.

But she later failed a lie-detector test and conceded that her conflict produced substantive benefits for Boeing, prosecutors said. She also admitted altered journals to cover up her story.

I guess my first question is. . . how stupid are these people? Invariably in Druyun and Sears' dealings the phrase "no one will ever know" must have come up, and my question is. . . how!?! How did they ever think they were going to get away with this? I know it's probably much less nuanced once it reaches the papers, but the scam seems pretty straight forward to me. Inflated prices for a government contract. How could anyone ever find out, right? Well, it gets better.

In court documents, Druyun admitted providing assistance to Boeing on other contracts as well. Among them were a $4 billion contract to provide upgrades to the Air Force's C-130 fleet. She admitted that Boeing gained an advantage because they were helping her daughter's boyfriend get a job, and that Boeing might not have received the contract on a level playing field.

She also said she helped Boeing obtain an inflated deal on a $100 million NATO AWACS contract in 2002, at the same time she successfully intervened to keep Boeing from firing her daughter, who worked for the company, for poor performance.

So, not only is she securing herself a kooshy position at Boeing, but she's also landing one for her daughter's boyfriend and keeping her daughter from being fired for poor performance? Man, how hard up is Boeing, exactly, if this is what they have to stoop to?

But what's really amazing about all this is that it passes the smell test of any executive, much less those of a company the size of Boeing. Think about it: you're an executive with a large corporation, and a government employee says they'll cook the books to fatten your bottom line with a government contract if you line up an executive position for them and don't fire their children that are already working for you. Why would you do it? Why would any corporation willingly take on not only an employee, but an executive that's so quick to cook the books for their own gain?

As DOD always said, if they'll lie for ya, they'll lie to ya.

Posted 10/01/2004 05:26:00 PM by Douglas

This means everything on my desks gets swept off right into the trash:

NASA decided Friday to delay the spring 2005 launch date for the first shuttle flight since the Columbia tragedy, citing hurricane damage and more work needed to meet a panel's safety recommendations.

NASA's spaceflight leadership council said a shuttle launch in March or April is "no longer achievable." The group asked shuttle program officials to analyze whether a May or July date is more feasible for a shuttle launch, and to report back to the council later this month, NASA spokesman Allard Beutel said.

Nothing like the AP for finding out what you'll be working on Monday morning.