Posted 11/06/2002 11:08:00 PM by Douglas

Nothing I hate more than a Monday morning quarterback, except for maybe, the Republicans, but this is just too damn funny. I with Michael Moore would choke on his fucking gimme cap, but I know it will never happen. I wish he'd leave this prognostication up on his website for years to come, but alas, I know it will be gone as soon as the last recount is over.

I think we can see the evil in the Republicans pretty clearly now, but this moron wants to think that if somehow they disappeared from the planet, the world would just be all hugs and gimme caps?

Wait, I've already used gimme caps in this post. . . .

Posted 10/28/2002 03:26:00 PM by Douglas

Didn't realize I left the state with that damn picture of Chelsea staring back at me. I really should do something about that, it's really creepy. Anyway, here is an excellent article by Orwell about the decline of the English language. This is the best thing I've read in a long time. Too bad Orwell gets distilled down to Mr. Totalitarian by no talent hacks. His non-fiction stuff is as good as it gets. Excerpts:

prose consists less and less of words chosen for the sake of their meaning, and more and more of phrases tacked together like the sections of a prefabricated henhouse.

Bad writers, and especially scientific, political, and sociological writers, are nearly always haunted by the notion that Latin or Greek words are grander than Saxon ones, and unnecessary words like expedite, ameliorate . ..

In our time it is broadly true that political writing is bad writing. Where it is not true, it will generally be found that the writer is some kind of rebel, expressing his private opinions and not a "party line."

And my personal favourite:

In our time, political speech and writing are largely the defense of the indefensible. . .

Posted 10/16/2002 08:38:00 PM by Douglas

Duct tape: Is there anything it can't do? Now it can cure warts.
Where was this knowlede when I was paying for the liquid nitrogen in college?

Next we're going to find out bailin' wire cures hepatitis.

Posted 10/16/2002 08:28:00 PM by Douglas

What a cute little leftist!! Chelsea all growed up

Posted 10/15/2002 09:45:00 PM by Douglas

Where is Michael Moore and his big fat dumb ass when this story hit the press? A woman with a licensed handgun and an attacker with a stolen rifle. If only she'd had a cell phone or a rape whistle all this senseless violence could have been prevented.

I hope she doesn't get sued by the bag of crap she shot. She made the mistake of letting him live.

Posted 10/15/2002 09:39:00 PM by Douglas

This is a pretty funny story about a neighbor from hell. I guess this is the reason neighborhood associations exist and tell people what color they can paint their house.

But take a look at the mailbox and tell me that it's a bad idea. . . .

Posted 10/15/2002 09:36:00 PM by Douglas

Joe Bob's talk show. Why is he right all the time?

"I think the children of this country are our future."

Why do people say this? What are you supposed to answer to this? "No, you're wrong! Dogs and cats are our future!"

Posted 10/15/2002 09:33:00 PM by Douglas

In Defense of Hon. Joe Bob, er, I mean John Bloom, has some good points with this one.

A "hon" is a way of drawing closer, affirming the family of man (and woman), and, in certain contexts, flirting without flirting. An apposite "hon" is a way of saying, "Besides everything else that has been said here today, you are proven to be Nice." There is no higher level of southern regard.

Posted 10/04/2002 04:32:00 PM by Douglas

$28 Billion, eh? I wonder if the lawyer held his pinky up to his cheek like Dr. Evil when he asked the jury for this one?
How sad this is for our country and our legal system specifically. Any idiot can ruin their life and blame it on some huge heartless corporation.

Sad, but getting cancer is the best thing that ever happened to this worthless pile of skin.

Posted 10/04/2002 04:21:00 PM by Douglas

I've had several chicken sandwiches from Wendy's, but I never knew how lucky I was.
I'm sure they'll settle out of court for a few thousand.

Posted 9/27/2002 07:13:00 AM by Douglas

Another update on the Morris murders.

If it was a case of mistaken identity, then the first one has to be the mistake. But the first one was the loan officer, and the second one was the nurse. Who'd want to kill a nurse?

I'd say that this is going to make a pretty good Law & Order, but I'm pretty sure I've already seen this one. They love the mistaken identity angle.

Posted 9/26/2002 09:30:00 PM by Douglas

This is just plain sad. To think that NASA is in the position to depend on the Russians (in the absense of the CRV) is basically saying that they will get anything they ask for.

Sounds like NASA (hell, maybe even Boeing) is about to get into the Soyuz business.

Posted 9/26/2002 11:15:00 AM by Douglas

What would have made this even weirder?

If the woman's name had been Sara Connors.

Posted 9/25/2002 11:04:00 AM by Douglas

Holy Smoking Goat Gonads! I'm a little late hearing about this story in Lajitas, TX (Thank you, Comedy Central), but this is too funny. Where is Joe Bob in all of this?

Here's a good piece from Molly Ivins, and here's yet another description from the UK. [here too]

You just can't make stuff like this up.

Labels: goats

Posted 9/24/2002 11:08:00 AM by Douglas

Jesse never misses an opportunity to get his name in the paper, does he? This has got to be the best part of this little gem:

"Barbershop," the No. 1 film of the last two weeks, has been a surprise box-office hit. It stars rapper/actor Ice Cube as the inheritor of a barbershop on Chicago's South Side. Cedric the Entertainer plays an old cantankerous barber who jokes about King's alleged promiscuity.

In a few years, you won't even be able to say that he was mortal.
This is also a lovely shot, too:

Posted 9/23/2002 10:24:00 PM by Douglas

It's going to be a long week along the Gulf Coast.

Unisys Hurricane Data

National Hurricane Center

Posted 9/23/2002 09:54:00 PM by Douglas

Anything is available from Ebay. So this has to be a joke, but that doesn't make it any less funny.

Winning bid receives an ass-kicking from me personally. I am 6'0" and weigh over 230 lbs. If you win this auction, I will personally come to your house and kick your ass. I guarantee that I will not break any bones or kill you, nor will I use any weapons on you, but I will give you a good beating. I will do this under two conditions:

• 1) You or anyone else does not press charges against me(after all, you bought the ass-kicking)
  
• 2) You do not fight back or attempt to physically harm me in any other manner (this is your ass getting kicked, not mine).

Buyer provides round-trip plane ticket to the nearest airport, as well as cab fare to your house and back. If you are not close to an airport, you may provide me with a train ticket or other means of transportation. Do not pick me up, as I will be attacking you completely randomly. Buyer must also provide good, clear directions to their house, as well as any business expenses for if I need to stay in a hotel or buy food for myself during the trip. Most likely though I will just fly in, kick your ass, and then leave.

Upon my arrival, I will select a random time to come over and kick your ass. It may be when you are sleeping, or showering, or any other time during the day/night when you are most vulnerable. During this beating I may damage one or more of your household items, if I have to break glass to get into your home or knock over furniture if you attempt to run from me. This should be expected by you, and covered in my expenses. If you are married or have children, I may choose to slap around your family a little bit, but only if I'm feeling particularly generous. They should be informed of this, and expect it as well.

Bidding starts at one cent ($0.01) but remember the winner must pay all expenses for my travel if they wish for me to come and kick their ass.

I will accept check, money order, or Paypal. Or you could just let me use your valid credit card for a few days and we'll call it even.

Posted 9/20/2002 09:29:00 AM by Douglas

Here's a shocker: women want men to treat them like women!! Incredible.

"half of women say men have little concept of social etiquette, politeness or courtesy."

Only half? That sounds low to me.

And ain't it cool that the survey was conducted by Glenlivit? Not surprisingly, America was at the bottom of the list.

Go figure.

Posted 9/20/2002 09:21:00 AM by Douglas

Happy Birthday, Emoticon. I can't believe that anyone could nail it down to one day. I bet it's the thing that computer dorks argue about all the time.

My favourite one was omitted: Marge Simpson.

@@@@@@@@@@8:)

Posted 9/20/2002 09:18:00 AM by Douglas

I love this one. And what a great message, eh? If enough people are wrong, then that makes them right.

Sorry, I'm talking about the pronunciation, not the foreign policy.

So what's so hard about pronouncing nuclear correctly? I've never understood that one.

Posted 9/18/2002 09:20:00 AM by Douglas

200 missing nukes in the Ukraine and the best that the neo-cons can do is "how can we know that Iraq doesn't have them?

It's impossible to prove a negative, isn't it? Can anyone prove that Santa Clause isn't in Iraq?

Posted 9/18/2002 08:50:00 AM by Douglas

I know I should leave the Aggies alone, but I get so tired of hearing how different Aggies are and they are like one big family. I guess so, and just like every family, when faced with a tragedy, they sue everyone they can think of.

Some more of that "rich heritage of tradition" you hear so durn much about, but suing some of the victims for not warning other victims!!! That's ridiculous, even by Aggie standards.

But hey, I realize that if I don't stop making fun of litigious Aggies, then gravity has already won.

Posted 9/13/2002 02:20:00 PM by Douglas

This is great. Poor Alec. He just can't catch a break.

Posted 9/12/2002 12:00:00 AM by Douglas

President Bush: It's been a year: Why is there still evil in the world?

Posted 9/11/2002 11:55:00 PM by Douglas

This is all I can say on this day. We're a little ancy, and who can blame us?

OK, maybe all they wanted was a pen, but geez, don't pull this shit on 9-11.

And there are 2 "air marshals" on the Houston to Dallas flight? Man, that means they must be everywhere. I didn't think they had to close the door on the plan on that flight.

Posted 9/10/2002 10:35:00 PM by Douglas

This perfectly sums up the Neo-con lunacy for war. I don't think anyone can point out their own stupidity better than they can do themselves.

Rather, those who don't really want to go to war can't or don't want to articulate their reasons.

Catch that one? Instead of a Constitutionally mandated declaration of war, those opposed to using the world's most powerful military to destroy another sovereign nation must themselves conjure reasons NOT to go to war.

Nothing like trying to prove a negative. It's truly sad that it's come to this.

What's even worse is that Rich Lowry thinks this commentary is "shrewd."

Posted 9/10/2002 10:22:00 PM by Douglas

Too bad Buzz didn't have a few of those stolen moon rocks. He could have used them to bash his face in.

The amazing thing about this story is that to anyone reading this that doesn't already know it (who am I kidding, there is noone reading this) I work for the Space program. I actually work with an engineer that is responsible for a certain aspect of the Shuttle missions that thinks the moon landings were faked.

Go figure.

Posted 9/09/2002 11:23:00 PM by Douglas

His lawyer, Michael Kelton, said Coppa was "exploring his options." Yeah, I just bet he is.

It's going to be funny when he's in prison and he's the object of someone's sexual advances. I hope they let him have a clip board in the joint.

Posted 9/09/2002 11:05:00 PM by Douglas

This headline in pretty scary, and misleading;

1 Million Chinese will have HIV by end of year

Ok, no doubt, AIDS is a problem in China, but in a country where baby girls are regularly drowned due to state imposed birth quotas and families desire for a male heir, is it a real surprise that people that think they may have AIDS are a bit shy of doctors?

Posted 9/09/2002 10:55:00 PM by Douglas

When I get on a plane, I'm not going to throw a Rosie O'Donnel fit if the pilot is armed, nor am I going to refuse to board if the pilot is unarmed. I just don't understand what Norman Mineta's problem is with pilots and guns.

Anyone that sets foot on any airplane, private or commercial, already trusts the pilot with their lives. I could care less if he's got a 9mm under the seat. But I'll be glad as hell it's there is some clown wants to bum rush the cockpit with a can of mace, a ceremaic knife, or whatever will be used in the next attack. You know, the one's that is going to come next that uses whatever the idiot Feds at the airports aren't looking for today.

Posted 9/09/2002 09:30:00 PM by Douglas

'Topes Win! Yet another example of life imitating The Simpson's

I can't believe the Albuquerque mayor was mad about this. If he think it's just "a cartoon show", he obviously hasn't seen it.

Posted 9/07/2002 06:43:00 PM by Douglas

Here is your Zero Tolerance laws in action.

What a joke. Putting a kid in suspension for a folding knife? And it wasn't even on him, it was in the car. This is much worse than the kid that brought the shotgun to school. And he got off. But that wasn't so much from the strict interpretation of the law as it was legal wrangling. The DA, Wellington's own Randall Sims, knew the law was stupid and basically found a loophole to let the kid off.

Do you think if someone is standing in a school parking lot with a rifle shooting at people that there is going to be such a loose interpretation of the law. I should hope not.

And I'd like to see David Stevens, the author of such trash, strung up by his toenails for writing such filth:

How 'bout that, Bubba? Is this a great country, or what?

And this gem:

Wonder how many are comfortable with this new information?

Gee, an officer of the court that's not going to throw a kid in jail, and used reasonable judgment in the face of stupid law, all in a rural area where the majority of the people own, use, and hunt with firearms all the dang time.

I hope Mr. Stevens car doesn't break down on U.S. 287 in Clarendon on his way to Ft. Worth. I sure hope that man can't buy a fan belt in that town.

Posted 9/06/2002 08:02:00 AM by Douglas

Another reason I enjoy reading the Amarillo Globe-News: Headlines like this.:

Cities in region attempt to woo cheese plant

Mmmmm. Cheese plant. . . .

Posted 9/05/2002 08:02:00 AM by Douglas

I don't know if the amount is right, but this guy should get something for false arrest for DWI. [more durable link from AGN] Sounds like the Victoria police just had it in for the guy; out of towner and incoherent. It's sad that that's all it takes to get arrested.

But what doesn't make sense is why he was detained in jail for 3 freakin' days if the blood test showed he wasn't drunk? If they waited 3 days, then there was no point in the blood test, and if he passed the blood test, why wasn't he immediately released?

Posted 9/04/2002 11:28:00 PM by Douglas

I guess I have to take back everything I said about socialized medicine.

They were able to put this guy's fingers back on. Way to go.

But the words "16 year old pop star" and "severed by a helicopter rotor as he waved to fans" tells me that all the medicine and all the socialism in the world isn't going to help this guy. But obviously he's famous enough to get the operations, while the truly sick of Mexico go untreated.

Great system, right?

Posted 9/04/2002 07:32:00 AM by Douglas

Here's a lovely story for all those in favor of socialized medicine.

The best part is that the "mistake" that the hospital admits to is that the operation wasn't supposed to be postponed for 6 weeks, but rather they were going to deal with the rotting flesh on this man's hand "within a few weeks."

Lovely.

Posted 9/04/2002 12:56:00 AM by Douglas

OK, I stand corrected. It wasn't a coup.
The crown was handed over peacefully, without a shot being fired in agner.

Thank God. Now I can go to bed.

Posted 9/04/2002 12:42:00 AM by Douglas

As I blogged on 7/19/02, Brittany Wellsfry, call your office. There was no ceremony, no public annoucement about Julia Anderson losing her crown?

OK, I think all of this is really funny, because besides the contestants and their overbearing mothers, Noone else in the world cares about any of this shit. But it's funny to see just how serious it is, when the winner gets drunk at an apartment complex in Ft.Worth.

What bothers me is that it all went down with no media attention. I mean, when Julia got drunk, it made the papers. So why didn't it get a blurb in the papers when the "new" Miss Teen Texas was crowned? The whole thing reeks of a bloodless coup.

And I use the term "bloodless" very loosely, considering Tampax was no doubt one of the sponsors of the pageant.

Posted 9/03/2002 10:36:00 PM by Douglas

A "$100-million lawsuit against the city", and a few weeks ago Houston was surprised when they lost their bid for the 2012 Olympics? Geez, someone buy these guys a clue.

This reads like a pissing match between to warring cliques in a frat house, not the P.D. in a "world class city" like Houston, Tx. Right? These two guys, and I'll bet you $100 neither one of them is over 5'7", get into a pissing match, and 273 people have a criminal record for the rest of their lives. And they wonder why we don't trust the police?

Also, I'm no legal scholar, but what in the hell is "attempted trespassing?" Is that when I look at a piece of property, think about trespassing and don't, or is it a failed attempt to scale a fence? To quote Sideshow Bob, "attempted trespassing? Now really! Do they give out Nobel Prizes for attempted chemistry?"

Posted 9/03/2002 10:07:00 PM by Douglas

Here's a great story about some motivated students and a chariatable donation.

What's amazing about this is that it's the Mexican customs officials that's keeping things out of their country. And then "they can't be reached for comments" about the incident. Really?

What's also amazing is how motivated those kids were to carry the desks across the bridge. I've been there, and that's one long bridge. I bet it's a lot longer if you're lugging a desk on your back.

Posted 9/03/2002 07:41:00 AM by Douglas

Some more brilliance from John Bloom, a.k.a. Joe Bob. This one looking for the
lost liberals. Excerpt:

Social Security is a good example.

Social Security is the most liberal governmental program in the history of the nation. It's actually a COMMUNIST idea -- the redistribution of wealth to create universal retirement income. Social Security is falling apart BECAUSE it's a communist idea. All big government-run economic plans like that eventually sputter and die.

So where's the conservative who will say "Get rid of it"?

Doesn't exist.

It gets better.

You'll find guys who say they want you to be able to take your Social Security money and invest it in Enron, which is some kind of twisted economic theory that doesn't come from Adam Smith or Karl Marx, but creates a mutation of both: let's take money from some of the people, give it to other people, but let them invest it in yet another group of people who are probably the same people who gave it to them in the first place, and if they lose all their money, it's not the government's fault, even though the government gave them the money in the first place.

And where's the liberal who will say: "Run a permanent deficit to pay for Social Security"? That, after all, is how you run a socialist program.

But that species of politician doesn't exist either.

Posted 9/03/2002 07:41:00 AM by Douglas

I'm not a big fan of Martha Stewert, but Joe Bob's Ode to Martha almost makes her seem human.

Posted 9/03/2002 07:17:00 AM by Douglas

You gotta love headlines like this:

RUSSIA SAYS 'BYE, BYE, BYE' TO 'N SYNC SPACE TREK

So the Russians say it's over, but I'll bet that if he comes up with the money, they'll change their mind. What's really sad is that he's already gone through a week of training at JSC.

Posted 9/02/2002 10:47:00 AM by Douglas

Watched Mulholland Dr. yesterday. 2 Observations:

1) I felt like Homer when he was watching the new film by David Lynch: There was a unicorn dancing with a guy under a full moon and a traffic signal. Homer says, "Brilliant. I don't understand any of it."

2) You know those "magic eye" pictures that if you stare at it long enough, you can see a pony or some such crap? That's what I felt about Mulholland Dr. I'm sure if you stared at it long enough, you could make it into whatever you wanted it to be. Personally, I've never got the "magic eye" pictures to make much sense, either.

This Salon article, which by the way should be titled "Mulholland Dr. For Dummies", pretty much spells it all out. But it still leaves too much to the viewer.

Can you imagine that flick being a miniseries on ABC? Man, Disney would have crapped their pants over that one.

Posted 8/30/2002 11:14:00 PM by Douglas

Sorry about the Pulp Fiction quote below.

Just got done with the DVD. I really got burned out on the movie. I must have seen it about 10 times at the theater when I was in college [typical Austin food drive: see a movie for a can of corn. I cleaned out my pantry that week], and then countless times on video.
But watching it again on DVD, letterbox. Man, that's such a good movie. It's sort of a shame that Tarantino sort of slid into obscurity after '94. But it also gives him some fuel, too.

Posted 8/30/2002 11:06:00 PM by Douglas

There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.
And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you heard it, that meant your ass. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was just a cold-blooded shit to say to a motherfucker before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. See, now I'm thinkin': maybe it means you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9 millimeter here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness.
Or it could mean, you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd, and it's the world that's evil and selfish.
I'd like that.
But that shit ain't the truth

The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.

Posted 8/30/2002 11:04:00 PM by Douglas

Some of the co-workers and I have come up with some better ideas than Lance Bass singing in space.

I think he and the rest of the incubus ridden boy bands should volunteer for the manned solar exploration mission.

And I use the term manned loosely.

Posted 8/29/2002 03:42:00 PM by Douglas

I can't remember where I saw it, but someone somewhere said that the traffic on their site increased exponentially when they added the words Brittney and Spears to their site.
Here's a professor with a gift for marketing semiconductor education.
I don't know anything about semiconductors, but the presentation on this site is pretty durn good.

I wonder what the site traffic looks like.

Posted 8/28/2002 09:16:00 PM by Douglas

I think we all can agree that this is a little silly, but when you go to Baylor, what do you expect?

I'm surprised that the chick that already graduated from there doesn't lose her degree or something.

Posted 8/28/2002 01:58:00 PM by Douglas

Airport Security, at its best.

Posted 8/28/2002 12:32:00 PM by Douglas

I'm not sure I want to consume an amber liquid if it was bottled by someone that just pissed themselves.

If there is any place that needs generous bathroom breaks, it's at a distillery.

Posted 8/27/2002 10:10:00 PM by Douglas

Man, what an organized waste of time and $6.5 Million. Anyone that was tied up in this mess should take a look at Atlanta pre and post 1996. Yeah, folks, it means realwork. Not just pulling up "Pressure Washing" signs at intersections.

Public transportation is just a part of it, folks. And that doesn't just mean a train from where no one gets on to where no one gets off.

Let's have a quote from the Mayor:

"Houston's a world-class city, an international city, and they know we love sports."

Yeah, we love bacon, too, but that's not bringing money into the coffers, is it?

Oh wait, it is.

Sorry

Posted 8/27/2002 01:49:00 PM by Douglas

I have no idea what comprises the tenets of the faith of Jedi, but they can use my house if it means I get tax-exempt status.

Posted 8/27/2002 10:25:00 AM by Douglas

What every happened to Heather Has Two Mommies?? Well, I for one am glad to see more of this sort of thing going on in small communities. Especially right before a $10 Million bond issue.

This is what doesn't make any sense: this book made the School Library Journal's "Book of the Year" in its category in 1994, while also being number 13 on the American Library Association's list of "most challenged" books in the country since 1990. How does it end up on both lists at the same time?

I also have a problem with the ALA's assessment of what a "banned" book is. They say "A banning is the "removal of those materials"

If Stalin, Hitler, or G.W. Bush is using State power to keep subversive literature (whatever that means) out of the hands of it's citizenry, THAT'S banning a book. A community removing any text from a community library because the community finds it offensive, that's not banning.

That's not even censorship.

Anyone with $8.79 can buy that book and read it all the live-long day to their kids and anyone within earshot. It's not banned because the community doesn't want to use their tax dollars to buy it. And don't give me any of that crap about "poor people can't afford books, so you're just banning it among the poor."

I can't afford a Ferrari. Does that mean the State has banned them by not providing me with one simply because it's outside my financial means?

Posted 8/26/2002 10:20:00 AM by Douglas

If you're keeping score at home, please remember that finger nail files, tweezers, and pocket knives are bad, but .357s seem to be OK.

Priorities, people.

Posted 8/26/2002 09:20:00 AM by Douglas

Are you as sick as I am of hearing the chest-thumping about the looming War against Iraq? What new war? We never left!

Posted 8/23/2002 10:51:00 AM by Douglas

A great piece on immigrant gang-rape, assimilation of immigrant populations, and equivalency of culture.

I don't know if you can say this in America and not be considered racist, but this came from Europe.

Good heavens, you can't expect a Muslim in Norway not to go about raping the womenfolk! Much better just to get used to it.

And

I believe Western culture -- rule of law, universal suffrage, etc. -- is preferable to Arab culture: that's why there are millions of Muslims in Scandinavia, and four Scandinavians in Syria. Follow the traffic. I support immigration, but with assimilation. Without it, like a Hindu widow, we're slowly climbing on the funeral pyre of our lost empires.

And don't miss this one:

Islam For All reported the other day that, at present demographic rates, in 20 years' time the majority of Holland's children (the population under 18) will be Muslim. It will be the first Islamic country in western Europe since the loss of Spain. Europe is the colony now.

To borrow a phrase from The Simpson's, "a chilling vision of things to come."

Posted 8/22/2002 08:20:00 AM by Douglas

I hate articles that are written like this. They seem like they belong in Rolling Stone or YM, but this sort of writing style just annoys me. Maybe it's the first person. I just don't know, but I read this one to see what kind of turd was going to fall out of Coulter's mouth. I can't find the link, but her suggestion to "bomb all the Arabs and convert the survivors to Christianity" is worth noting. Especially with her new found popularity.

She didn't disappoint with this one:

Then she said: "My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to The New York Times Building."

Well isn't that special. Killing 160 people isn't bad, as long it's the right people. Or should I say Left people.

But just to show that she's not taking her hubris seriously, she puts it all into perspective:

"The American people don’t think so. I speak for them."

I don't think so, Ann.

Posted 8/22/2002 07:35:00 AM by Douglas

An interesting take on emerging American Imperialism from Right Wing News:

Rarely a day passes on the internet without another article being written that claims America is a "hegemon", that we're like "like Rome," or that we want to "create an empire." Take it from a Conservative, ultra-nationalistic, America-first hawk; Americans on the whole would rather drive bamboo shoots under their fingernails than "rule the world."

If you want put it in perspective, it's like we're the guy who ended up being the designated driver for the planet. Sure we'd love to sit back and drink ourselves into a stupor with the rest of the globe but we're responsible for getting as many people home safe and sound as possible. Every so often while we're sitting around wishing we could kill a few beers like the rest of the planet, a sloppy drunk, drooling, Europe comes over to where we're sitting. Then they take another swig of Vodka straight out of the bottle and tell us not to worry about a thing because they'll drive everyone home in their 'international law' van. But we know if we go ahead and drink up that we'll just get a call at 4 am asking us to bring our tow truck and the 'jaws of life' to clean up the bloody mess on dead man's curve. That's the burden of being an American.

I love the "designated driver" analogy, and he's probably right when it comes to the Average American "Conservative" out in the fly-over states agreeing with him.
But where he's totally off the mark is with the Neo-Con punditry and the real Axis of Evil (Wolfowitz, Perle, and Woolsey).

The aspirations of empire from them, along with the National Review and Fox News flavor of conservatives isn't even being obfuscated anymore.

Posted 8/21/2002 02:20:00 PM by Douglas

No one ever said Hollywood types were smart, did we?

Millions of Internet Thieves?
Calling for the help of government and electronics manufacturers to block the ability of Internet users to download movies, News Corp President Peter Chernin claimed Tuesday that on the weekend that Star Wars: Episode II -- Attack of the Clones opened, four million copies of that movie and Spider-Man were downloaded on the Internet. "Four million products were stolen in a weekend," Chernin told the Progress & Freedom Foundation conference in Aspen, CO. "It took four years to make that film, about four clicks of a mouse to steal it, and that crime was perpetrated 4 million times." Chernin went on to say that a leading theater chain has agreed to run a warning about such practices, saying that it not only hurts "fat-cat Hollywood people" but also workers ranging from makeup artists to custodians. He did not name the theater chain that will run the announcements.

Someone please tell me how to do this If I thought I could download an entire movie and have it DVD quality, I'd do it in a second. I've heard about Napster-like sites where you trade copies of movies, but don't know anyone that's done it.

Also, would someone please shut the whining cry-babies up? They are so scared that the internet is going to pop their precious bubble that they've lost all ability to reason.

Back in the early 20s when the phonograph was first taking off, the early musicians were very reluctant to record their music. Some of the Jazz guys didn't want other people hearing them and stealing their style, but most knew that they'd lose the ability to control their music once it "belongs" to someone else. They were also worried about some money grubbing producer stealing all their fucking money. Hey, there were right about that part!

They kill Napster, 10 more sprout up in its place. When are these idiots going to learn that complaining about the internet isn't going to make these problems go away?

Also, look at the music that they're producing: Gangster wannabe that need to pull their pants up or teenybopper bands and singers that are as shiny and flat as a juicy fruit wrapper.

They keep saying that their lack of profitability is all our fault, and I'm just not buying it. I hope they remember these as "the dark days" when they finally figure out how to use the Internet to milk the artists for all they're worth, like they've been doing up 'till now.

Posted 8/21/2002 01:07:00 PM by Douglas

I used to work right around the corner from this site in Webster.

I'm not at all a fan of government involvement in regulating business, because for the most part it does a piss poor job of it, but stories like this, when companies deliberately misled the public about what sort of hazardous materials they were dealing with, well, that just makes no sense when they get away with it.

Americium-241? What the heck? If it's so toxic that it can't even be disposed of, what the hell were they doing with it???

Posted 8/21/2002 10:26:00 AM by Douglas

Sweeping the parking lot at K-mart. Now that phrase has a totally new meaning in Houston:

Posted 8/21/2002 07:29:00 AM by Douglas

Damn, I love reading Lileks. And watching The Simpson's. Much to the annoyance of co-workers and family, I'm doing my best to prove this:

As some wise fellow once pointed out, there is a Simpson's line for every situation in life, and it is possible to go through your day reacting to everything that happens with Simpson's scenarios.

I guess that's why I ordered the Second Season yesterday. I'm hooked.

Posted 8/20/2002 01:35:00 PM by Douglas

Another fine piece from Joe Bob, this one on the internet.

What's ironic is that one guy, with a modicum of computer talent and a lot of time on his hands, can now create Internet content that actually competes heads up with The New York Times. That's what the old media barons really don't like about the Web. It's too damn democratic. Their dollars can win occasional battles, but it's like plugging holes in the world's leakiest dike.

Posted 8/20/2002 12:35:00 PM by Douglas

Although it seems like it, cops are dumb isn't going to be the new theme here. But what in the hell were they thinking?

279 kids thrown in the pokey. Some were trespassing, or loitering, but some weren't. You know it's bad when the police make statements like this one:

"I couldn't believe we were being told to arrest all those kids. It was just utterly, utterly senseless."
"I guess we're just lucky he didn't order us to fire warning shots into the crowd or anything."

So there was obviously some bad blood with the supervisor, but this is ridiclious. Getting in an arguement with your boss is no reason to throw 300 kids in jail.

And they wonder where the public gets their poor perception of the police?

Here's the link to the editorial in the Chronicle. They're glad the cops didn't show up shooting.

Posted 8/20/2002 09:06:00 AM by Douglas

What in the heck is going on in Tulia? They've got the entire black community pissed off, alleging racists drug busts, [not to mention idiot Navalreservists hot-dogging for their in-laws. {more} and {still more} ] but now the TABC?

I'm sure the TABC serves a purpose, but all anyone sees them do is give MIPs to kids for drinking beer. Another fine example of a taxing agency posing as a policing agency.

Posted 8/19/2002 10:32:00 PM by Douglas

”The Anna Nicole Show, then, is Smith's comeback vehicle, an attempt to remind us that long before we came to think of her as a venal, shallow gold-digger, we thought of her as a venal, shallow bimbo. She succeeds wildly.”

Wow, who could argue with that? Or this:

I actually caught 15 minutes of this cultural train wreck this weekend before I had to avert my eyes. I got to see the description of the dog humping the stuffed bear:

Even Smith's toy poodle, Sweetie Pie, is a twisted little beast, who, when not ingesting Prozac, tears the panties off a stuffed teddy bear then humps away. ("One time Sugar Pie saw me f--- this guy," Smith tells us, "and the next day she just started doing it, and she's pretty good at it.")

Ok folks, if your freakin’ DOG is learning how to hump from your behavior, maybe it’s time for some square dancing or a bridge club.

I don’t want to swamp this with quotes, because the story is too funny to miss, but this is classic:

If there is one constant in the show, however, it is Smith's breasts. She bares at least one-half to three-quarters of them in every shot. When she participates in strenuous activities — such as climbing into other people's bathtubs to make sure that she can fit — they lash out like two wombats being suffocated under a baby blanket. To some, this might sound sexy on paper. It's not. By now, Smith's breasts appear to contain so many foreign objects that they literally have lumps — not of the tumorous variety but the type you see in curdled milk.

Damn, that’s funny. Funny that he could tie in the milk metaphor too, eh?

Anna Nicole Smith is nothing more than the sum of her self-destructive appetites packaged in silicone saddlebags.

Good that we could tie in silicone, too.

The culminating moment:

Later she told us she would rather die gracefully than be embarrassed at any cost." If that is truly the case, look for Anna Nicole to be cashing out at any moment.

We can only hope.

Posted 8/19/2002 07:39:00 AM by Douglas

No Justice, No Peace.

Here are some "reparations" I'd like to see. . . .

Posted 8/18/2002 11:50:00 AM by Douglas

People just in it for the money, part II. When a group of people want the government to give them a pile of money, why don't they just say so.
What really surprised me about this story is how fast it disappeared. No mention of it at all on CNN, and it only happened yesterday.

I think we can all agree that slavery was a horrible thing, but taking money from people that never owned slaves and giving it to people that never were slaves sort of seems silly, doesn't it? And it really doesn't further your cause when you sell T-shirts that read "Kill Whitey".

But as usual, there was at least one voice of reason:

Jean-Marie Jean-Pierre, a quality assurance specialist at NASA and a black Haitian immigrant, said he doesn't approve of the idea of reparations. "I don't need them. I came here and I learned English and I got a good college education. This is the land of opportunity. Why does anybody need reparations?"

That pretty much says it all.

Posted 8/17/2002 12:22:00 AM by Douglas

At first glance, you may think this came fromThe Onion, and it does seem like it.

What's important to remember is that the Shuttle/Station budget is about 1/7 of the total $15 Billion total NASA budget.

Where does the other 6/7 go?

Well, here ya go. The War on Evildoers.

Posted 8/16/2002 02:55:00 PM by Douglas

A tribute to the King 25 years after his "death."

Posted 8/16/2002 12:31:00 AM by Douglas

This makes me sick. The neocons have been spouting for months how absurd our reaction would seem if the "greatest generation" would have reacted accordingly to the attack of Pearl Harbor. Well, now the lawyers have thrown their hats into the ring with this little gem. I swear when I saw it on CNN this afternoon the settlement was only $1 trillion, but now it has ballooned to $116 trillion. Let's start with the amount, shall we?

If you gave someone a million dollars each and every SECOND, it would take over 3 and a half YEARS to transfer that amount of money. Can you really put a dollar amount of human life? Lawyers have been arguing that point for years, but apparently they've summed it up quite nicely. Plus it sounds too much like the part from the first Austin Powers movie when Dr. Evil was trying to figure out how much the ransom should be. He was alarmed to discover that a million dollars wasn't a whole lot of money in 1997, when his son says, "Why not just ask for a kazillion dollars, ass?!"

Secondly, how on earth are they going to reach a settlement? They've acquired the services of Allen Gerson, one of the attorneys who negotiated a $2.7 billion settlement between the Libyan government and families of people killed when Pam Am Flight 103 was blown up. So you know he knows what he's doing. But is there some international civil court that I'm unaware of?

Finally, of all the comparisons to Pearl Harbor that have come out in comparison to the 9/11 attacks, let's dial back the clocks 60 years. Try to imagine the grieving widows suing the Emperor of Japan for "wrongful death" in 1942. We've got the full brunt of the American military industrial complex avenging the 9/11 attacks.

Is there any way to spin this to make these people not look like they are just in it for the money? The Federal Government has already offered them well over a million NOT to sue the airlines, the port authority, and the FAA.

This just seems like an attempt to make a name for themselves on CNN and line their pockets in the process.

Posted 8/15/2002 02:32:00 PM by Douglas

I'm glad that someone is saying this sort of thing. The neo-cons can badmouth idiotic Hollywood types for making inane criticisms all they want, but the fact of the matter is someone needs to be asking many more questions about what's going on in this country.

Ashcroft and his aides appear to view this relationship as lineal, where security must precede liberty.

And

Whereas Al Qaeda is a threat to the lives of our citizens, Ashcroft has become a clear and present threat to our liberties.

It's about damn time someone's saying this.

Let's not forget that the good people in the State of Missouri chose a freakin' corpse over John Ashcroft as their State's Senator. How you go from losing a Senate election in Missouri to becoming the Attorney General is beyond me.

Posted 8/15/2002 07:33:00 AM by Douglas

This is just a little too much like Raising Arizona to really be funny.

Under questioning, Roach said she had given birth to the baby the day before in a doctor's office in Abilene, Akers said.

She goes away for a month, not pregnant, and comes back to Quannah with a month old baby. Doesn't make sense, does it? I think she should have watched Raising Arizona for some ideas during questioning. "Over here ya got your favortisims, and over here it's just who you know. Turns out Ed happened to know someone in one of the agencies."

"I don't think we need no more kids, but Dot says these here are gettin' too big to cuddle. . . "

Okay, enough.

Posted 8/15/2002 07:21:00 AM by Douglas

You just can't make up stuff like this.

Gesell's mother, Ruth, said her son suffers from depression and needs medication. She said the junk mail grates on his nerves.

Gee, ya think?
I hope this guy doesn't have an email account. 157 messages a day for XXX Brittney action or Re-finance now! would really cause this guy to pop his cork.

Posted 8/14/2002 11:27:00 PM by Douglas

This is just plain wrong. What do they think they are doing?
This is the finest example of why law enforcement is not about law, but rather about collecting fines. Do they really want to slow people down, or do they just want to give tickets?

Well, I think this answers it.

Posted 8/14/2002 10:57:00 PM by Douglas

Let's give a big hand to India in welcoming them to the 1960s
Now India and China are in a space race of their own, 30 years after USA and Russia got bored with it (or ran out of money).

Posted 8/14/2002 09:25:00 AM by Douglas

This is amazing. I've heard that this tobacco settlement was the biggest single transfer of wealth in the history of the world. Judging from this, I'd have to agree. $3.3 Billion for 5 lawyers? If I had received $660 million for one case, I'd want to keep quite about it, too.

Posted 8/13/2002 10:33:00 PM by Douglas

"He's doing beautifully, he's kicking butt in every way. He's totally dedicated and everybody loves him there," Krieff said. This is the end, folks. The end of the space program as we know it. When it turns into the next reality show, NASA is going to be forced to admit "The Right Stuff" is a thing of the past, and these guys are nothing more than trained monkeys. Still need proof? Try this one:

"I have 15 other celebrities, huge 'A' and 'B' list celebrities, that are wanting to do exactly what we're doing. It's a dream come true."

You'd expect your 737 pilot to be highly trained, wouldn't you? Well these guys are no different, and while the Russians have convinced us to build them a shiny new replacement for Mir right under our very noses, NASA didn't realize that they were losing their strangle hold on the exclusive privledge of manned spaceflight.

A few more boy-bands on the ISS will be all it takes to convince the tax paying public that the last 25 years of low-earth orbit has been scientifically pointless, and the next 15 years of ISS operations and operating the same 70s era shuttles is not only completely pointless, but utterly boring once the TV ratings start to sag.

Personally, I don't think low earth orbit is far enough for most boy bands.

"Space station Alpha to Russian ground site: permission to jettison the payload ahead of schedule. . ."

Posted 8/13/2002 12:43:00 PM by Douglas

Why in the world would CNN release a story like this on August 12, 2002? I can think of a few reasons:

• The War against Evildoers has stalled, and we need to be reminded.
  
• The progress in the usurpation of our civil liberties here at home has stalled.

Whatever the case, it's pure propaganda. But you've got to love statements like this:

The September 11 attacks -- carried out by members of Osama bin Laden's al Qaeda terror network -- killed about 3,000 people in New York, Washington and Pennsylvania.

Really? I hadn't heard. For the past year I've been living on Mars, in a cave, with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.

Posted 8/11/2002 05:37:00 PM by Douglas

This is so stupid that I'm not sure it's even blogworthy, but here goes. Domino's is ditching its free delivery.

I believe I'm one of 4 people in the Northern Hemisphere that has never eaten a Domino's Pizza, and judging from the stupidity of this story, I'm not going to. Ever.

You sell the pizza, you set the price. We don't like it, we go somewhere else. It's called capitalism. Look into it.

What gets me is that I've always found a wide variance in pizza cost from place to place, not to mention how much it costs in the first place. How much chicken will $10.99 buy at KFC? I rest my case.

So, tack on a buck (or two) to the cost of the pizza, but don't announce this crap. I'm no marketing specialists, but this just breed bad press.

It reminds me of Jonah's rant about "non-refundable deposits".

We're hungry, dumb and we want our pizza. Add a buck to the cost, deliver it "for free", and let us go about our merry way.

AND!
So up 'till now, there was "free delivery?"
Then why was "carry out" so much cheaper than "delivery" to begin with? What makes the pizza they bring me cost 3 bucks more than the one I drive down to pick up myself? Sounds to me there has always been a hidden "delivery charge" there.

Lying Bastards.

Posted 8/11/2002 05:27:00 PM by Douglas

Man, what a way to go. Here's a suicide victim with a flair for the dramatics.

Posted 8/11/2002 05:19:00 PM by Douglas

NO! Not Brandon!!!!!
Thank God he was on a track, because when rich people get in a high powered aircraft that they have absolutely no business piloting, they usually kill others when they crash, making it more difficult for the entire general aviation community. This time, the only thing damaged was the car, the wall, and his nervous system. But some might say it was damaged years ago. Has anyone seen

Calendar Girl?
I didn't think so.

Posted 8/11/2002 04:46:00 PM by Douglas

What if Monty Python was the Minister of Defense for Iraq?

I think it'd look something like this.

My, isn't that a silly walk?

Posted 8/11/2002 02:55:00 PM by Douglas

Finally, a glimpse of sanity in the "two seat minimum" for obese airline passengers, from Joe Bob, of course.

I think that's kinda sweet of em, don't you? FedEx doesn't give you a 10-pound weight credit if the plane to Memphis is only three-quarters full, and I don't see much difference here.

I'm surprised I have to explain these things.

We are too, Joe Bob.

Posted 8/10/2002 12:37:00 AM by Douglas

I hate Talkback Live for so many more reasons than Joe Bob has enumerated here , but he hits the high parts.
Why is it, with any story on the news, they have to go to "the man on the street" to talk about the raising gasoline prices, the tropical storm in the gulf, or a dog that had puppies? If only they'd listen to Joe Bob, and run their title on the screen underneath their picture:

"Dexter Williams, Dull-Witted Cliche-Ridden Guest Being Treated As Though He Has Something To Contribute."

At last, a bit of honesty. . .

Posted 8/09/2002 10:46:00 PM by Douglas

Indeed, as the story states, "This was a senseless act. . . ", but do we really know it was vandalism? Sure, CNN usually knows more than they say (except for when they say more than they know, but that's another story), but this story about 55,000 dead chickens
caught my eye.

I know they weren't ready to be slaughtered, but 55,000 chickens worth only $56,000? What's the deal with that? An average sized bird costs me at least $5 at the store. So if the chicken costs $1.02, who makes the $3.98? The chicken farmer, or Tyson?

Posted 8/06/2002 02:32:00 PM by Douglas

Dave Berry is right on target, as usual, with this piece about bottled water.

I heard this on NPR a few years ago. Coke's marketing department had some data that said that 1/7 of the fluid consumed by humans on this planet was a Coke product, and the only way to increase this number was to get into the bottled water business. Enter Desani; a Coke without the corn syrup. What I can't figure out is why it costs more than a Coke does.

The biggest push as far as TV commercials goes is from AquaFina, and I have no idea who owns them, but they've got Kelly Rippa barking for them. There's something about her that makes her seem like she needs a good pummeling just as much (if not more) as Kathy Lee did. In the commercial, she reveals the innovation that AquaFina has made in water. . . . .
taste!
Uh, I may have not been paying attention lately, but what's new about this? Besides putting out fires and washing your dog, being flavorless is one of water's greatest qualities. So why on earth would someone get excited about Kool-Aid without the sugar?

I'm with Dave. Those commercials where people sweat colored Gatorade are really creepy.

Posted 8/06/2002 02:13:00 PM by Douglas

I made it back alive and I had to list this in the blog, because the headline was so damn funny:
Man found dead in alley connected to Rainbow
Really?

Posted 7/30/2002 07:20:00 AM by Douglas

So what's the biggest threat in the world today? Islamofascists? Our own government's responses to the attacks? The mercurial stock market?
No.
The real threat is the Ten Commandments on the capitol grounds in Austin.

Now Van Orden has lodged a protest of his own, filing a federal lawsuit seeking to remove the commandments monument on grounds that it violates constitutional separation of church and state.

Statements like this make me want to scream. Where in the Constitution does the phrase Church and State show up in the same paragraph with separation? No where.

Is the State of Texas claiming that the Ten Commandments is the law of God? I don't think so, but apparently that's what this guy's suit is about. Either that or he just wants his name in the paper.

Hell, the State isn't even saying you have to obey the dang things.

The first amendment prohibits the persecution of minority religions and prohibits a "state run" religion, like the Church of England. How is this keeping this guy from worshiping in any way he sees fit?

The fact that he has the freedom to file such a ridiculous lawsuit is proof enough that his freedoms aren't being threatened at all, and he's simply an opportunist with too much time on his hands.

Posted 7/28/2002 01:40:00 PM by Douglas

This is dang funny and I could take issue with many of the comments about albums I have/like, but I won't since most of them are true.
One Hundred Albums You Should Remove from Your Collection Immediately
I have 20 of these in my home. Spooky

Posted 7/26/2002 11:47:00 PM by Douglas

We all knew this was coming but I guess I thought it would have a better spin to it. The new Homeland Security bill clears the house. Gee, I can't imagine why anyone would be concerned with statements like this:

". . . a time of war is the wrong time to weaken the president's ability to protect the American people."[emphasis added]

Well, the G-men are doing such a bang up job up 'till now, there's really no reason to think that more of them couldn't do a better job, right?

Posted 7/26/2002 10:58:00 PM by Douglas

Remember back in the day when no news was good news? Well, no more.

As sick as it is, and can understand how destroying a town is "news", but how is a tornado not destroying something news?

This is all pretty disgusting. What's next? The children that aren't getting murdered and attacked by sharks, or the buildings that aren't being attacked by terrorists?

I can't wait for some hurricanes to pop up in the gulf. Houston is going to crap their pants and fall back in it.

Posted 7/25/2002 02:27:00 PM by Douglas

This story from Peru about eugenics is really scary. Even worse when a so-called "humanitarian" organization like the United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA).

Getting rid of the undesirables is a big deal for the ruling class, but surely this couldn't have happened in America. Could it? Sure it could. It was legal in 30 states to sterilize retarded people against their will and the will of their families. Oliver Wendell Holmes said it best in the majority opinion of Buck vs. Bell:

"Three generations of imbeciles are enough."

Here's another great source in the history of American eugenics.

What amazes me is that Maragret Sanger, heroine of the early femanists and founder of Planned Parenthood is still deified by the women's movement, when she obviously had some pretty sick ideas.

"To give certain dysgenic groups in our population their choice of segregation or sterilization", advocated the founder of Planned Parenthood, Margaret Sanger in April 1932"

American eugenic laws were in place 27 years before the Nazi gave it a go.

Posted 7/24/2002 08:06:00 AM by Douglas

Some more of that Aggie "rich heritage of tradition" that we keep hearing so much about.

Let's start off by saying that the senseless loss of life like this is a pointless tragedy. But Aggies seem to excel in things that are pointless.

After the accident, all I saw on TV, read in the paper, or even heard from other Aggies is that it's things like the bonfire collapse that makes Aggies what they are. They'll pull together and get through it, because A&M isn't like any other school and the students and alumni and the administration are the only ones that know what it's like to be an Aggie.

But now, 3 years later, they're suing everyone and everything involved, just like anyone else.

And I haven't seen any mention in any of the Bonfire Memorials about commemorating the blood alcohol levels of any of the people that were there. I'm sure that's a factor that will get lost in Aggie lore, too.

And the memorial in College Station isn't the only tribute to the victims of the bonfire collapse. I'm sure San Antonio isn't the only city in Texas to have some sort of remembrance in connection with the bonfire.

Think how happy the world would be if everyone that died participating in a drunken waste of time had memorials erected and parks named in their honor.

Posted 7/23/2002 02:32:00 PM by Douglas

As you might imagine, this is the hot topic around the water cooler today. It even made the front page of The Chronicle today. (sorry, same story as below, but with new bio info of the accused)

This is just too funny to be true. Some points to ponder:

• How could you possibly think you could fence such stolen goods, on the internet no less, and not get caught?
  
• How did these have clowns have access to irreplaceable moon rocks?
  
• How did two girls get a 600 pound safe into their car?
  
• What about Gordon Sean McWorter? All the other suspects have a short bio, but it just says he's 26? Besides stealing moon rocks, is being 26 years old his life's greatest accomplishment?
  
• And finally, what grade will Saur and Roberts receive from their schools from their Co-op tour? I'd think that if your Co-op tour resulted in Federal jail time, the school is obligated to fail you.

But they may not have been faced with such a dilemma in the past.

Posted 7/22/2002 09:44:00 PM by Douglas

I've always thought that Co-ops are a waste of time. They don't seem to do anything, and they're either too self conscious to try to do anything or to obsessed with their social lives to want to do anything. But here's a story about some idiot thieves that hopefully will do some time for ignorantly trying to steal some very high profile rocks.
Four accused of stealing moon rocks

Posted 7/22/2002 09:24:00 AM by Douglas

Here are some interesting comics regarding the TIPS program. A bit hyperbolic, but hey, there're cartoon. I especially like the Bush Youth.

Ted Rall

Tom Tomorrow

Posted 7/22/2002 07:53:00 AM by Douglas

This guy is a total moron.
Virginia man opens fires on helicopter, thinking occupants are terrorists
Better to err on the side of caution, kids. When you see something unusual, assume that terrorists are involved and run right out into the yard with your rifle. You'll be glad you did.

And what about landing a helicopter in a residential neighborhood? I don't know who John Peters is, or why he thinks he needs curb service, but this sounds like a great way for some pilots to permanently lose their certificates.

Or get shot.

This is what happens when Red Dawn comes on TV the same weekend Budweiser is on sale for $14.99 a case.

Posted 7/20/2002 01:50:00 AM by Douglas

Man, what a joke. I know nothing about the race in Florida, but it's good to see that anyone in leading Reno by double digits. If she were running in my state, I'd vote for YOU before I'd vote for her.
Reno gets her groove on in Florida governor's race

Posted 7/20/2002 12:46:00 AM by Douglas

This is just too good not to post. Someone really spent a lot of time on this little jewel. What a memory jogger for my last 10 years of Simpson's viewing.

Map of Springfield

Posted 7/19/2002 10:07:00 AM by Douglas

"If you can imagine the Discovery Channel for cats. . ."

This was a joke in Scrooged. Just goes to show that nothing is too weird for TV.

Posted 7/19/2002 08:32:00 AM by Douglas

Doing a little reading of 1933 German history, and it's eerily prophetic.
Hitler appointed Chancellor January 30, 1933 by president Hindenburg. February 27, 1933 the Reichstag burns, supposedly at the hands of a Dutch Communist, Marinus van der Lubbe. As a result, president Hindenburg and Hitler invoked Article 48 of the Weimar Constitution, which permitted the suspension of civil liberties during national emergencies. Some examples of this Decree of the Reich President for the Protection of the People and State abrogated the following constitutional protections:

• Free expression of opinion
  
• Freedom of the press
  
• Right of assembly and association
  
• Right to privacy of postal and electronic communications
  
• Protection against unlawful searches and seizures
  
• Individual property rights
  
• States' right of self-government
  

In addition, federal police agencies, the SS (Special Security) and SA (Storm Troops), were created, along with the RHSA, the Reichshauptsicherheitamt, which roughly translates into "Main Office of Homeland Security."

Sound familiar?

Posted 7/19/2002 07:27:00 AM by Douglas

I can see it now: Beauty pageant winners gone wild.
Miss Teen Texas arrested for public intoxication
I guess she makes that whole Vanessa Williams thing look like nothing, but what's funny is that these people actually think this matters. I guess without people like this, there wouldn't be people at the Boat and RV show wearing a sash and a crown, would there?

Sort of reminds me of Drop Dead Gorgeous , but sad instead of funny.
You know that the first runner up is sitting anxiously by the phone.
Brittany Wellsfry, call your office.

Posted 7/18/2002 11:43:00 PM by Douglas

Dang, when some people don't know what satire is
Rio vs. Springfield
This is the best part:

"He understands it is a satire," the agency's Sergio Cavalcanti told Reuters. "What really hurt was the idea of the monkeys -- the image that Rio de Janeiro was a jungle.

Well, then you don't really understand what satire is, do you????

Posted 7/18/2002 11:07:00 PM by Douglas

I don't know why this upset me but it did:


Angelina Jolie files for divorce from Billy Bob Thornton

I think it's pretty tragic when people are so "in love" that they have to adopt a child from a third world country, and then they split up.

Sorry, Kirby, I don't really want to deal with you anymore because the person I thought was my life partner at the time turned out to be a jackass. So you can either go back to the hellish squalor you came from or continue to be batted between me and your other parent until we get tired of you. Then there's Hardcopy, ET, and Access Hollywood. Save your money, Kirby.

Not that these two would do that, but if they didn't, they'd be the first.

I just watched Playing by Heart yesterday, and Angelina Jolie is quite the hottie. Wait, hottie is quite an understatement.

But Billy Bob is "The Man." And I mean that in a good way.
A Simple Plan, Pushing Tin, and not to mention his truly greats, All the Pretty Horses , and of course, Sling Blade. Not to mention his Semi-biographical The Gift

OK, all that being said, why do I think it's bad he's getting divorced for the fifth time? Who knows. I remember hearing how much he lost from wife #3 after he got famous (read: money) from Sling Blade so it's just a bit troubling that such a gifted person has to fill his life with so many unsuccessful marriages. Dude, you don't have to buy the cow to get the milk.

But the most troubling part of this story: She is a goodwill ambassador for the United Nations, and he has a budding singing career??? Who knew?
I knew he was tight with Dwight, but I thought Dwight was getting into film, not the other way around.

Posted 7/18/2002 10:13:00 PM by Douglas

I can't let this post from P.J. O'Rourke get by unnoticed:
The Liberty Manifesto
What a great concept, eh?
There are certainly things that the government can do better than the private sector, but. . .what a second. . .what is that again?
Seriously, there are things an effective government can do better, but the problem is the government has there hands in everything, so there's not many directions you can look and not find some ways to improve the system. But you're not going to solve those problems with more legislation.

Labels: P.J. O'Rourke

Posted 7/17/2002 05:06:00 PM by Douglas

There's a special place in Hell for people like this
It takes a big man to barbque a 7 week old kitten. What on earth was he trying to prove? You always hear that mass murderers start out torturing and killing animals, so it may do this guy well to do some time, although it's doubtful he will.

Posted 7/17/2002 07:19:00 AM by Douglas

Your tax dollar at work
U.S. Jet Mistakenly Drops Munitions

Several ways to look at this one. Maybe the pilots thought they were back in Iraq (or already there) when they were flying over the Monahans Sandhills. It looks just like all the footage of the desert in Iraq that I've ever seen on CNN, and just as many oil wells.

Does anyone know the purpose of dropping dummy bombs? Is it to verify if they'll fall?

Posted 7/16/2002 10:37:00 AM by Douglas

The gunfire in the bus today made me search out this Lileks screed. I don't know why he doesn't have it in his index of screeds, and I got tired of seeing it in my Nyetscape history.
I wouldn't say I'm with him 100% on this one, but the part with the little girl at the end (and the adorable and ironically tragic picture) is quite stirring.

Posted 7/16/2002 09:14:00 AM by Douglas

Is there a term for Joe Bob worship? There should be. This is an old one on Airline Insecurity, but it's brilliant, as usual.

Forget profiling. That was LAME compared to this.

For those that thought that profiling was the ultimate hate crime in this Post 9-11 PC culture.

They’re developing this super-duper airline computer system that can access every single piece of information from your entire life, including your grades in fourth-grade art class and the time you married a Mexican hooker for 48 hours in Juarez, and then analyze it with some kind of Bill Gates Intergalactic Software and determine your “threat rating.”
I’m trying to figure out which is more flattering, because you know people are gonna start braggin about it.
“Hey, man, I scored an 88 on that Columbus-to-Nashville flight. It had to be either the DUIs or the mail-order Cuban cigars.

The best analysis of it so far was by Robert O’Harrow Jr. of The Washington Post, and he talked to a former FAA administrator named Joseph Del Balzo who said: “This is not fantasy stuff. This technology . . . gives us a pretty good idea of what’s going on in a person’s mind.”
Excuse me, but I don’t particularly WANT the FAA to know what’s going on in my mind, especially if I’m fantasizing about the flight attendant. And from what I’ve seen of it so far, my own personal Terrorist Threat Index Ranking is gonna be off the goldurn scale.

Ok, no more quotes. The whole thing is perfect.

Posted 7/16/2002 08:58:00 AM by Douglas

Here's a story of a bird with a vision.

Posted 7/15/2002 02:33:00 PM by Douglas

So I'm reading The Corner today, but jeez, this is just too dang funny;

Quadriplegic Sues Florida Strip Club

This is part of the "slippery slope" that people like to talk about with stuff like the ADA, and under the letter of the law, it is just as valid as any other claim of discrimination against disabled persons.

My question is, if you're a quadriplegic, how are you drinking in a strip club, anyway? I guess you can order every drink with a straw or something. He's also made complaints against a motorcycle shop for not being ADA compliant? How?

I hope this isn't too obvious:

What do you call a Quadriplegic in a strip club?

Randy

Posted 7/15/2002 02:08:00 PM by Douglas

Every time wildlife gets transplanted to areas it has no known predator, really bad things happen to the indigenous wildlife. Frogs in Australia, perfectly spoofed by Bart Simpson, birds on St. Helena,and the Nutria of the Galveston Bay. But this is just plain spooky:

Biologists fear Vietnamese bait

"These worms are spooky," said Julie Thompson, a biologist for the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Chesapeake Bay field office. "I've handled a lot of things, and I don't get creeped out. But these are nasty. I use surgical gloves every time I touch them, and I scrub up afterward."

Man, think how nasty this stuff has to be to scare a biologist? And fishermen are using it for bait! There's a problem waiting to happen.
But what do you expect with something called "the Nuclear worm."

"And at the ports, inspectors have so much to be looking for, especially after 9/11. But ultimately, it's up to the states to regulate what comes in."

Catch that? This is yet another thing that is getting blamed on the terrorism of 9/11.
So, if the Nuke worms destroy the indigenous wildlife of Chesapeake bay, will the terrorists have already won?

Posted 7/12/2002 09:05:00 AM by Douglas

To the uninformed Dr. Cloud advocated a pledge of her own in response to the flap that ensued from the 9th circuit court a few weeks ago.
She's now written a response.

Amazingly, she thinks that the UT campus is comprised of a "tiny left". Apparently she's been drinking too much bong water to realize that political ideology isn't directly linked to research money spent at a public university.
And why would a socialist make such an embrace for democracy? Could it be that there's not much difference? They're both predicated on majority (mob) rule. That's why the white, slave owning men that she likes to admonish instituted a representational republic.

Many people have written that oppression and economic hardship in other countries are caused by bad values, wrong religion or cultural inferiority. But I think it might have to do more with the IMF-imposed policies of production for export over meeting human needs.

I don't think I've read anything this stupid that didn't somehow involve "The Man" or a chant that included the line, "Hey hey, ho ho. . ."

Do these people really believe the reason the rest of the world is poor is because the evil IMF has yet to recognize their need and give them Billions of your money?
Typical viewpoint from the left: there's no problem that can't be solved through the application of ignorant legislation.

Posted 7/12/2002 08:37:00 AM by Douglas

Thinking about becoming a ninja? Well look no further.
This is the funniest thing I've ever seen about "the ultimate power". Seppuku with a frisbee, (If you succeed everybody will be like "Holy Crap!") a brief timeline (Ninjas discover flipping out and thus God gives them dominion over everything totally sweet.)

This guy is hilarious

Posted 7/10/2002 09:09:00 PM by Douglas

There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.
And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you heard it, that meant your ass. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was just a cold-blooded shit to say to a motherfucker before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. See, now I'm thinkin': maybe it means you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9 millimeter here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness.
Or it could mean, you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd, and it's the world that's evil and selfish.
I'd like that.
But that shit ain't the truth

The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.

Posted 7/10/2002 08:41:00 PM by Douglas

It's OK to trust these people, many of which are ex-military, with a $30 million dollar plane and the lives of hundreds of people, yet they can't operate a pistol?

I'm sure they're not all for it, and by all means they shouldn't be forced to pack some heat, but jeez, what's the hold up here?

cockpit crews should focus on flying planes and let air marshals worry about security.

It's obvious that the "flight crews" have other things on their minds besides peanuts and the inflight movie.

Opponents of the legislation have expressed concern that an errant bullet could kill a passenger or knock out a critical electrical system.

An errant bullet could also kill a terrorists with a 99 cent boxcutter, or a plastic blade they got through the dector.
The debate as it sits now is what is being done now out of genuine security concerns, and what is being done as a superficial patina to calm the public.
Obviously a gun in the cockpit isn't the answer to all the world's problems, but it certainly has more pros than cons.

Posted 7/10/2002 08:15:00 PM by Douglas

How many times are we going to hear about the recording industry pleading with us to stop file sharing so that their Billion dollar bubble won't bust.
Stop Music for Free, Pleads Record Industry

Let's take a look, shall we, at the top 5 albums of 2001. Except for the Beatles, how many of the top 5 can you hum?

I know it's been said before, but maybe if the labels spent more money on talent and less of executives, they wouldn't be in such bad shape. I'm surprised they haven't tried to blame their lack-luster sales on 9-11, like everyone else has.

Posted 7/10/2002 08:51:00 AM by Douglas

Isn't it ironic that in order to quash the perception that he's a freak, Michael Jackson has enlisted the help of the Honorable Reverend Dr. Al Sharpton?

Wacko Jacko says he's no freako

Let's see if I can run this one down: You look like a 14 year old girl, you hang out with 13 year old boys, monkeys, the Elephant Man's bones, Webster, and some Llamas. You married Elvis' daughter and 18 years ago you set a world record for most albums sold and now you're claiming that the system is aligned against you?

Most people that decided to freakishly disfigure themselves usually ensure that they'll hold only the lowliest of jobs. I'm talking about the people with spiderweb tattoos on their faces and the like. He's lucky that he had enough money to get some quality plastic surgery. Again, and again, and again.

Norm McDonald summed it up best when he bombed with a Jacko joke a few years ago on Weekend Update:

You know he's a homosexual pedophile, right?

Sadly, Norm got the boot.

Is he really going to hire Johnny Cochran to sue Sony for opressing him?

Not that's a kind of opression I'd like to see come my way.

Posted 7/10/2002 08:42:00 AM by Douglas

Get in the plane, don't make eye contact, sit down and shut up.

Passenger who made comment about pilots' sobriety escorted off plane

Gee, it's not like you guys had a few drunk pilots a few weeks ago, was it?

Not that the passenger has a right to air travel, and in a more perfect world, the airline could throw off any passenger they wanted. But the airlines are way too PC to try this with a minority.

Yet another shining example of the new security measures implemented at the airport have much more to do with inconvenience than they do with security.

Posted 7/09/2002 12:40:00 PM by Douglas

What is it about dentists/hygienists that want to stick their entire fist in your mouth and then talk to you about their children?

I've long contended that most people don't so much want someone to talk to so much as they want someone to talk at , but this is ridiculous. Talk about a captive audience.

Also, I found out that if you're in the computer for treatment twice a year and you show up in their office three times a year, you will receive exactly nothing unless you point out this lack of synchronization.

Posted 7/09/2002 09:45:00 AM by Douglas

When life imitates SNL

Janet Reno's Dance Party

She was such a good sport when she came on the SNL that last time and broke down the wall like Kool-Aid man, why on earth would she subject herself to such criticism? Does Loren Michales get a cut of this?

Too bad Janet doesn't do Janet Reno as well as Will Ferrell does Janet Reno. I think he'd make a better governor.

Janet is not your typical politician, nor is her campaign for governor a typical campaign," Reno campaign spokeswoman Nicole Harburger said Monday.

Typical? Here in Texas we remember a little thing called Waco, and before 1993, it was famous for Baptists and Dr. Pepper. Now it conjures up all kinds of images of a Seventh Day Adventists sect being attacked. I know that subject has been beaten to death, but I can't believe it hasn't done more to take any wind out of her "for the children" sails.

$25 to hang with Janet, P-Diddy, Rosie and Brittney? If only they'd all be there. . .

Posted 7/09/2002 08:29:00 AM by Douglas

I love to read statements made by Jesse Jackson, just because they're always so entertaining. Jackson raps Bush, Ashcroft
Ok, so Bush and Ashcroft aren't exactly Sonny and Cher, but "the most threatening combination in our lifetime"??? Are you sure you're not be just a tad hyperbolic there, Jesse?

What about Zigfried and Roy?

I had no idea that the NAACP was "nonpartisan, a requirement it must fulfill to keep its tax-exempt status."
Sounds pretty partisan to me. . . .

Posted 7/08/2002 02:10:00 PM by Douglas

I don't want to turn into a Joe Bob page, but damn, he's funny. This is from his Week in Review for last week:

Shares in Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia have dropped 39 percent since Stewart's name was first connected to the ImClone investigation a month ago and she became a one-name tabloid favorite. It's not exactly clear how place mat and comforter sales are related to charges that she may be guilty of insider trading, but she doesn't appear to be too worried: she's still taking a $900,000 salary and a $300,000 annual bonus. This week she did fail to show up for her icebox pie segment on CBS' "The Early Show" after the network told her they were going to grill her instead of watching her grill. Responsible consumers who had pre-chilled their filling were livid.

Gotta love anyone picking on Martha and the decorating industrial complex.

Posted 7/08/2002 02:03:00 PM by Douglas

Yet another sign that 9-11 can be used to curtail anything: Focus Is on Private Plane Security.

The population in general has never liked private planes, and this is just the excuse the FAA is looking for to make general aviation too expensive for anyone. You gotta love quotes like this, though:

Following the Tampa crash, the Federal Aviation Administration ( news - web sites) suggested that separate ignition and door keys be required for private planes, that the planes be secured so they can't be flown without permission, that student pilots check in before getting keys and that employees and pilots be trained to look for suspicious activity.

This, in a genius attempt those stealing aircraft to have to steal two keys. We all know that even if such an idiotic plan was implimented, both keys would be on the same ring.

Man, who thinks of this stuff?

Posted 7/05/2002 02:22:00 AM by Douglas

God Bless Joe Bob. Anyone out there that wants to bring it on about "victemless crimes" and why they should be crimes, go ahead; I need the email. I'll start here:

Too drunk to drive?

And making it illegal to do anything WHILE drunk is just a back-door way of saying you should sip one wine spritzer per day and then go home and have some coffee. It's yet one more example of government trying to legislate lifestyle.

"Zero tolerance" is the solution for people too lazy or stupid to FIGURE IT OUT.

Damn, Joe Bob, I couldn't have said it better.

I desperately want one of these ".08" mother fuckers to explain to me how someone driving home after happy hour at .085, .09, or, God forbid, even .095 is inherently much more dangerous to the general public than idiots with a horsepower to weight ratio greater than their IQ.

Not that I'm against horsepower. But stupid people do stupid things, and there's nothing that MADD can do about that.

No matter how many people they get to cry on camera.

Posted 7/05/2002 01:53:00 AM by Douglas

Junk mail, Spam, telemarketers, I put the all in the same boat. They're all trying to make a buck, and who can't forgive them for that? I knew many people that worked for people that called unsuspecting folks when they least expected it, and I myself was responsible for mailing out sales fliers to every librarian in New Jersey. {how that happened from Austin, Tx, is quite another story}

But what I don't get is the spam. It costs so much less than a phone call or a direct mail campaign that they can blanket the inboxes of unsuspecting hotmail and yahoo users faster than you can say "change my password."

The point of any of this annoying bullshit is this: If no one ever responded to it, it would go away. But for every 15 people a telemarketer pisses off, 1 person buys. So it's cost effective, and another 15 people get pissed off.

With spam, the numbers are obviously much greater, because the cost of spam is so much cheaper. I would venture a guess to say that one in 1,000 people respond to "work at home for $5,000 a day" or "get a dick that touches the ground" or "get a credit card fast" or "refinance now!!!" or "liquid viagria" or the myriad of others I get on a daily basis.

But who in the hell is responding to this crap??? Who checks his email for the 3rd time on a Friday and suddenly realizes, after deleting 14,000 messages about "increasing his penis size" that now is the time to act, and he needs to respond to the 14,001 message that falls into his inbox like a turd in a punchbowl.

What can we do? None of this click here to be removed bullshit. Even if I was looking for liquid viagra or to refinance my mortgage, I would never go with a company (in either case) that randomly emailed indiscriminate names in a list.

Again, maybe it's just me. . . . . .

Posted 7/05/2002 12:39:00 AM by Douglas

Well, the Fourth is over, and nothing happened.

What's worse is everyone reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about. Awh, who am I kidding?? No One is reading this.

Anyhoo, a shooting at one of the nation's busiest airports, and at the ticket counter for the Israeli airline no less. The networks didn't even interrupt their soaps for it. Why, well, that's anyone's guess. I think it gives an added meaning to "terminal", though.

Also in LA a twin engine Cesna crashes into a park and kills 4 people. Last summer everyone would have assumed something was wrong with the plane. This summer everyone immediately asks if the (ex)pilot was wearing a turban.

Still the wrong question, but yet another nail in the coffin of general aviation.

Posted 7/04/2002 01:49:00 PM by Douglas

This is just plain Sad

I really don't want to get carried away with the Aggie bashing, but this really epitomizes the whole thing. The UT/A&M thing has always been a little lop-sided, but there's a reason you won't find a UT casket.

I've seen my share of A&M paraphernalia, such as wedding cakes, tattoos, and of course the ubiquitous car stickers. But a casket? I can't imagine that you choice of college is the culminating moment of your life, as if somehow it adds depth to your character that couldn't be found anywhere else. But admittedly, I'm not an Aggie, and I don't get it.

Sort of like that political ad I saw by the road a few years ago. Someone was running for a local office and they had posters all around town. The posters where Aggie maroon, of course, but at the bottom they had 3 symbols: aTm '73, USMC, and a cross.

So the three most important person that this person wanted you to know about them was, in order, that they were an Aggie first, then a Marine, and finally, a Christian.

He probably won the election.

Posted 7/04/2002 02:42:00 AM by Douglas

Yet more evidence that James Lileks is a genius, and the voice of the new millennium:

This is the greatest nation on earth in the history of the species.

After all you-can-eat catfish buffets coupled with socialized health care for bulimia, who can argue with that?

Here's the link to the Fourth of Lileks

He's got it all right, as usual

Posted 7/04/2002 01:37:00 AM by Douglas

Ever wonder where those suckers came from when you read a story on CNN about a survey revealed some glorious wonderment about our human condition?

Well today I joined the ranks of the surveyed.

As always, the primary concern with these Ph D types is that this information is being held in the utmost confidence. Honestly, I have a bigger problem giving out my SSN than I do with saying when the last time I threatened my wife with a gun or a knife. Maybe that's just me.

But why do all the questions sound the same after you read through them? Am I slightly annoyed by repetition, very annoyed by repetition, very much annoyed by repetition, or am I heaving a lethargic cat through my monitor at this point?

I sure hope whoever reduces the data has a better understanding between "cherish", "adore", and "love" than I do.

Of couse, I don't think they're looking for people that have been with the same chick since high school, are they?