Posted 12/31/2003 03:27:00 PM by Douglas

The blog and I will be celebrating the new year this evening by consuming enough ethanol to kill a pony and staring into our own ruined future. So in other words, it's Wednesday.

Have a great time, and see you next year!

Posted 12/31/2003 03:22:00 PM by Douglas

Here's a perfect example why you should get out every once in a while and interact with other bipedal hominids. I'm pretty sure that storing 114 dead cats in your freezer would have come up a time or two during a friendly bridge game.

Through the 1990s, the Davises' collection of cats would alienate longtime friends . . .

Really? I can't imagine why. . .

Posted 12/31/2003 03:17:00 PM by Douglas

Things to do before getting on the plane to come back to Houston. Get your plane ticket, pack your suitcase, and oh yeah, try to make sure you have some idea where you've packed your husband's 9mm pistol. What a moron. And check out the picture. 27 year old woman, or 15 year old boy? Too close to call.

Posted 12/31/2003 03:12:00 PM by Douglas

Every wonder what "Auld Lang Syne" is about? Me too, and now we know;

So there you have it. "Auld Lang Syne" is about drinking, friendship, and looking back at times gone by. And more drinking.

Of course!

Posted 12/30/2003 11:46:00 PM by Douglas

It's good to see the security of this nation is focusing on things that pose a legitimate threat to the innocent: Mall Walkers.

Janet Cesaril, marketing director for The Mall at Short Hills, attributed the decision to the heightened Orange Alert and noted that the walkers are a diverse group, including not just seniors but young mothers and others.

That's right, Janet. It's not just the elderly that want to blow up the mall. It's young mothers, too.

Posted 12/30/2003 02:06:00 AM by Douglas

Just what The Empire needs: a bunch of troops that not only don't want to be there, but they're pissed off as well.

To the Pentagon, stop-loss orders are a finger in the dike -- a tool to halt the hemorrhage of personnel, and maximize cohesion and experience, for units in the field in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere. Through a series of stop-loss orders, the Army alone has blocked the possible retirements and departures of more than 40,000 soldiers, about 16,000 of them National Guard and reserve members who were eligible to leave the service this year. Hundreds more in the Air Force, Navy and Marines were briefly blocked from retiring or departing the military at some point this year.

Keeping people from leaving the voluntary military when they voluntarily want to. Well, that sounds like. . .who are we fighting again?

Posted 12/30/2003 01:15:00 AM by Douglas

The Fed, in all it's infinite wisdom, has set aside $37.4 Billion for "Homeland Security," and the best they can come up with is Almanac? Is this country so paranoid of pissing off special interest groups by "profiling" that they're now looking at our reading list? What's next? Mandatory jail time for anyone with a Thesaurus?

Posted 12/30/2003 12:44:00 AM by Douglas

The death of the pocketknife isn't totally unnoticed. I can't argue with this one:

A man who did not carry a knife was a lesser man by most standards.

Well, duh. I was once told by a guy at Johnson Space Center that "there are four things a man should never be without: His wallet, a pen, a handkerchief, and a knife." I think that's about right, except for the snot rag. That's just gross.

Posted 12/29/2003 02:39:00 PM by Douglas

The 10 dumbest quotes of the year.

Posted 12/29/2003 02:18:00 PM by Douglas

Before you throw your pregnant wife a baby shower, you should probably confirm her pregnancy. And before you believe she had a miscarriage, you should probably be sure she didn't murder a 21 year old pregnant woman and cut open her belly to steal the fetus and leave her body to rot in the woods.

Don't ya just love these Christmas stories?

Another link from The Altus Times.

Posted 12/28/2003 11:30:00 PM by Douglas

What'd you do for Christmas? Oh, not much, just went down to the beach, pinned a dead bird's carcass inside two concentric circles with lines drawn in the sand from the center pointing directly north, south, east and west. What'd you do?

Posted 12/28/2003 11:24:00 PM by Douglas

For anyone that wanted a payphone and wanted to blow $135, here's your website. I'd actually like to have one, but I think stealing one from a phone booth (if you can find one) is a lot less painful than $135.

Posted 12/21/2003 01:24:00 PM by Douglas

I don't know who Brian Ross is, and this sort of thing can get real tedious real quick, but I couldn't resist an excerpt from this:

In the cafeteria just after lunch, (well, not *just* after, more like *during* lunch, about 12:28; say 12:30, give or take a few minutes), I leaned back in my chair (it was one of those aluminum chairs, good strength-to-weight, like titanium but not quite; but then of course titanium would be a bit of an overkill). Anyway, I heard one of the girls talking about how boring she thought engineers could be.

Alan Denney

A bit too true to be funny.

Posted 12/21/2003 02:49:00 AM by Douglas

What a load of crap. This is what happens when Enron accounting finds its way into the world of thermodynamics. Obviously you can look at a small enough time frame where "useless" energy isn't created. But the tiny time step doesn't make it any more "useful."

If they build a perpetual motion machine, I'll be the first in line to buy one. I just doubt the laws of physics are going to be repealed any time soon.

Posted 12/20/2003 02:17:00 AM by Douglas

The story from Libya has many interesting facets. First off, why in the hell is Gadhafi just a Colonel? You'd think if you were a dictator of a country, you'd at least make yourself a General or something. . .

Also, are we to believe that he's dismantling his programs of WMD just because Saddam was caught in a "spider hole" earlier this week? Didn't we bomb the crap out of him back in '86? Isn't that what resulted the bombing of PanAm 103? Why is the United States the only country that can bomb other people without consequence? I also find this very odd:

Libya's nuclear effort was more advanced than previously thought, the official said. U.S. and British experts inspected components of a centrifuge program to enrich the uranium, though the system was not operational, the official said, briefing reporters at the White House on condition of anonymity.

So there are still Americans fighting and dying in Iraq looking for WMD (with no success), yet here's Libya who hasn't been on the Pentagon threat board since the Reagan administration and they're suddenly giving up stuff they already had cooking? Why is that?

Posted 12/20/2003 01:15:00 AM by Douglas

Ah, the obligatory Christmas lights. I guess everyone in my neighborhood read this and are trying to out do each other with their cheap, imported, Chinese lights. Either that, or they saw this and thought it was an instructional, "how-to" video.

But the big picture? Somewhere in this concept, when you consider paying someone else to hang your Christmas lights:

We mourn the loss of manufacturing jobs-"real jobs"-and ignore growing aesthetic professions, from installing holiday lights and landscaping lawns to giving manicures and facials, from designing brochures to crafting granite countertops.

Uh, I don't want to put too fine a point on this, because if I was going to rant about this country's loss of industrial prowess, I wouldn't start with paying someone else to hang your Christmas lights. It's just a symptom, not a cause. But this is a nice yardstick:

You can buy a 100-light string, nearly 50 feet long, for $2.44 at Wal-Mart.

I saw a sign at Walgreen's for 2 100-light strands for $3.99. How in the hell can anyone make them that cheap? Even in China? But here is where she falls off the deep end:

Just as surely as the horsepower of a car engine or the warmth of a blanket, the pleasure of twinkling Christmas lights offers real value.

Real value? From a flashing light? Surely we're not all that stupid yet, are we?

Is it important that you have a job? Is it important that your neighbor has one, too? Sure it is. They can't hang cheap, imported Christmas lights all year round.

Posted 12/19/2003 07:34:00 PM by Douglas

Don't kid yourself. Given the chance, your cat would eat you and everyone you care about. Something tells me that this woman didn't just have one cat. I can't beat the Fark tag on this story:

"Help. I've fallen and I can't get up. And my cats are eating me"

Posted 12/19/2003 07:27:00 PM by Douglas

I can't believe this happened in 1983 and we're just now hearing about it. I poached this picture from CNN last spring, and I'm quite amazed it's still there, but with all the new Rumsfeld/Hussein stuff surfacing, they may try to get some more mileage out of it. (It's much better than the one on the Washington Post's site.)

Here's the angle that I can't imagine isn't getting more attention:

Privately, however, the administrations of Reagan and George H.W. Bush sold military goods to Iraq, including poisonous chemicals and deadly biological agents, worked to stop the flow of weapons to Iran, and undertook discreet diplomatic initiatives, such as the two Rumsfeld trips to Baghdad, to improve relations with Hussein.

Didn't you kinda wonder why Rummy, Bush, and even Powell were just flat out convinced that Saddam had WMD? Well here's why: We freakin' sold it to him! All they had to do is check the receipt, and wait for the check to clear. But it's statements like this one that really makes me want to puke:

"Iraqi officials have professed to be at a loss to explain our actions as measured against our stated objectives," he wrote.

Yeah, I guess the highly nuanced "wink, wink" was lost in the translation.

"Don't use the chemical weapons {wink, wink} against Iran.

Posted 12/18/2003 09:06:00 PM by Douglas

Anyone who ever wanted to know what Santa's workshop looks like, it goes something like this. Imagine 10,000 bicycles in the AstroHall. Pretty much looks like a sweatshop.

Posted 12/17/2003 08:57:00 PM by Douglas

I guess it's not so easy, after all, is it, smartass?

"Well, if this were easy, I guess everyone would do it"

Maybe not, but there would certainly be a lot fewer stupid people around.

Posted 12/17/2003 08:45:00 PM by Douglas

Belligerent or not, sometimes you just get a Big Macâ„¢ attack.

Especially when you've been drinking all night at a titty bar.

Posted 12/17/2003 08:26:00 PM by Douglas

An interesting take on the Fed and their control of our money. Did they change the $20 bill to combat counterfeiting, or to force the $620 Billion in U.S. currency currently being hoarded in the black market back into circulation? Maybe a little bit of both, although I can't imagine that that much currency wouldn't have some impact on inflation. Or maybe I'm the only one that doesn't keep $2,200 in cash on hand.

If this is an attempt of the Bush Administration to "spur the economy," look for a new bill every other week

Posted 12/16/2003 10:06:00 PM by Douglas

It's such a confusing time to be alive. It's good to know that the nice folks over at National Review not only have it all figured out, but also have such an insight to God's true intentions:

For now, let’s say that while the President’s opponents have made much sport of the idea that God called George Bush to the presidency, it’s becoming increasingy difficult to doubt that God wants President Bush re-elected.

What mortal could possibly argue with that divine providence?

Posted 12/16/2003 09:57:00 PM by Douglas

Hey, nice cock:

Posted 12/16/2003 05:49:00 PM by Douglas

Speaking of my cube, I think if I got one of these, maybe LE-26, LE-30, or maybe even LE-29, and propped it up in my cube, no one would notice that I wasn't there.

Posted 12/16/2003 05:36:00 PM by Douglas

I need one of these for my cube.

Posted 12/16/2003 05:27:00 PM by Douglas

I think there are better ways of criticizing America's nuclear policy than throwing paint on vintage aircraft. And the B-29 is a Boeing product, not Martin.

Posted 12/16/2003 05:24:00 PM by Douglas

This guy needs to find some better drinking buddies:

One witness told sheriff's officers that Hernandez shot Arrieta and the gun then was passed to other partygoers. Altogether, the witness said, six men fired at Arrieta.

You know you've pissed off your buddies when they pass the gun around and all take a shot at you.

Posted 12/15/2003 06:52:00 PM by Douglas

So, no shuttle launches in the next year, according to The Moscow Times. I don't know how realistic it is, but STS-114 is on the books for a September launch. It's going to be a long year at JSC, no matter what.

Posted 12/14/2003 12:58:00 PM by Douglas

Not that this story isn't going to get enough press today (and I haven't even turned on FoxNews yet), I just can't help but point out this angle. I wonder if Sadam and Donald are going to chat about the good old days.

Posted 12/13/2003 05:21:00 PM by Douglas

On to Syria! Since we didn't find any links between Iraq and Al Queda (I mean before we ousted Sadam), maybe there are some people in this country that think we should take a little harder look at Syria's "alleged ties to terrorism," but President Bush isn't one of them. Gas up the bombers.

Posted 12/13/2003 05:05:00 PM by Douglas

What an unfortunate headline: "Dave Doing Oprah." Are they referring to her show? I sure hope not.

Posted 12/13/2003 05:02:00 PM by Douglas

Looks like Willy finally found freedom. Your cat wants steak.

Posted 12/13/2003 04:57:00 PM by Douglas

The return of the drinking song? For some of the purists I know, they never left.

There are numerous theories as to why this resurgence is afoot. "We ran out of cheating songs," Crenshaw quips, adding that the "next hot trend is songs about mama, of course."

Keep on the lookout for train songs, pain songs, and blue eyes cryin' in the rain songs.

I was drunk, the day my momma got out of prison. . .

Posted 12/12/2003 05:48:00 PM by Douglas

So the Texas Department of Criminal Justice, which is considered by some to be a contradiction of terms, thinks that listing the contents of executed inmates' last meals is in poor taste, and has yanked them from their website. Smell that? That's irony.

The State decided that voluntarily (and some would say recklessly) taking a human life is OK, and here's a list of all 313 of them and what they did to get there (odd how many of them murdered someone for less than $500. Something to think about). But somehow listing what they wanted for their last meal is "in poor taste?" That's just too ironic to be funny.

There's many angles to the question of capital punishment, so why the hell is TDCJ drawing the line on whether or not Leroy got cheese on his burger before they stuck a needle in his arm?

Posted 12/12/2003 05:35:00 PM by Douglas

Here's for killing yourself with a bit of creativity. I mean, if it was a suicide. I'm sure that's just what the Warren Commission would want us to believe. . .

Posted 12/12/2003 04:32:00 PM by Douglas

That's what you call your basic mad cow!{snarf snarf} This is why I think that "cow tipping" is an urban legend. No one mentions what she does when she gets back up, madder'n a wet hen.

Posted 12/11/2003 09:17:00 PM by Douglas

The war on common sense takes a major cease-fire in Bossier, LA, with this week's assault on zero-tolerance drug laws in school (thanks to Mr. Seabrook north of the creek for this one). As Joe Bob said, ""Zero tolerance" is the solution for people too lazy or stupid to FIGURE IT OUT. "

But it's not the only one. You've got this case of the kid with the asthma inhaler, or better yet, you've got this one, with the kid and the folding pocket knife.

But back to the latest round of lunacy. Did the school have to expel her? No. They retain the right to ignore this totally moronic rule, just not the ability:

But another school official said earlier Thursday that having medication on campus doesn't automatically lead to a one-year expulsion. "After an investigation and a hearing then, if necessary, punishment is administered. It could be no punishment," said Betty McCauley, Bossier schools student services director.

Gee, I can't imagine how a student going to a school like this would have frequent headaches. Could it be from dealing with idiots like Ms. McCauley all the live long day?

In all fairness, it's good that this little problem was nipped in the bud. It's a proven fact that Advil is just a gateway drug for black tar heroin.

Posted 12/11/2003 07:16:00 PM by Douglas

Here's a shocker: Men don't want to work in mind-numbing jobs any more than women do.

Most surprising to me, is that most of the women, including many Ivy League graduates, either don’t want an income-earning job or will only work part-time in an unusually pleasant job.

Pardon me while I snicker about your Ph.D. under my breath, but I think this is only "surprising" to you. Work sucks, buddy, and it didn't take the power of the feminist movement for humanity to realize this. If there is someone else in the house that's going to support you in the lifestyle to which you've become accustom, regardless of their genitalia, more power to you: catch up on your soaps and shut the hell up.

The number of "housewives" is increasing? Well who could have foreseen that? As I said earlier, Nobody wants to work, so why in the hell are the feminists (and now crybaby men) making such a big deal about it?

High floutin' head shrinkin' not withstanding, why do men die before their wives?

Because we want to, dammit.

Labels: working women

Posted 12/11/2003 06:27:00 PM by Douglas

When I saw "Ex-teen beauty queen guilty of public intoxication," I knew it had to be my old bud, Julia Anderson. Turns out, she's in trouble again, and for underage drinking, if you can imagine that.

Why does this make me want to watch Drop Dead Gorgeous for the 12th time?

Posted 12/11/2003 06:12:00 PM by Douglas

"He sees you when you're drinking. He knows when you're .08." Santa better keep his fucking hands off me this holiday season and if he wants any blood, breath, or urine, that fat man better have a warrant.

What the world of drunk driving has been waiting for: A jingle. Of course. Why didn't we think of this before?

On a side note, why is Santa so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

Posted 12/11/2003 06:03:00 PM by Douglas

I sure am glad that both of these asshats are over 18. It sure would be a shame if they didn't get thrown in jail for this asinine behavior just because they're juveniles.

Don't like how CCISD is treating you? A long walk with the lovely Texas Department of Criminal Justice will show you just how bad it really was.

Posted 12/11/2003 05:50:00 PM by Douglas

Men With Tiny Penises Race In Italy. That would have been the headline if I was writing one for this story. An F-1 car and a Eurofighter Typhoon. The results aren't that surprising: the car won the short race of 600 meters (about 650 yards, in good Christian units), but since the plane can only stay on the ground for the first ¼ mile, the car didn't stand a chance. But that's hardly the point. Who the hell cares? Are there really enough fossil fuels in the world for this kind of idiocy?

Posted 12/11/2003 05:39:00 PM by Douglas

Thanks to allmusic.com, I now know who the Kinks are. I knew it would take me all for 4 seconds to find out what their "song" was. And girl, it's really got me going.

Thank god The Beetles knew when to hang it up and call it quits. I can't help but think they would have been churning out dreck all through the 70s.

Posted 12/11/2003 04:54:00 PM by Douglas

Rolling Stone lists the top 500 albums of all time. I don't know anyone that reads this rag, but I thought it was overtaken by 20-somethings with goatees and tortoise shell glasses. It's good to see that there are still enough old timers around the Rolling Stone office that drank enough bong-water in the 60s to float a small watercraft.

OK, I guess they're right on most of these, and I realize it's subjective. But objectively, NO album list would ever put Greenday's Dookie a full 41 spots higher than anything by Patsy Cline. A 45 minute CD of Patsy clearing her throat is easier to listen to than Greenday. Also, why did three Public Enemy albums make the list, but only two by Johnny Cash? The same number of Rage Against the Machine albums, I might add.

Further proof we don't live in a just universe. And who the hell are The Kinks, anyway?

Posted 12/10/2003 10:49:00 PM by Douglas

For anyone with questions about lay, laid, and lied, take the quiz. How anyone learns English is beyond me.

Posted 12/10/2003 10:36:00 PM by Douglas

Here's a good question: Why is Money Stuck to the Wall of the International Space Station? It's got to be a bet. How much vodka could you drink in zero g?

Posted 12/10/2003 10:30:00 PM by Douglas

I look out my office window this afternoon and I see this bad boy, with its T-38 escort, on final at Ellington. I don't know what kind of photo op they're looking for, but I can imagine how that'd freak people out downtown. That thing was going about as slow as a 747 can go.

Update: Here's the story from Chronicle about NASA's photo-op yesterday.

Posted 12/10/2003 07:17:00 AM by Douglas

Rest in Peace, Aunt Florence.We miss you already.

And here's one from Lubbock.

Posted 12/09/2003 11:09:00 PM by Douglas

Sydney is ecologically unsustainable? These folks need to spend a weekend in Vegas and shut the hell up. What do those Aussies want? A better world for their grandchildren? Give it up, kids.

Posted 12/09/2003 10:59:00 PM by Douglas

Park Place casinos are now creating a list of problem gamblers who would be barred for life from all Park Place Entertainment casinos. In future news, Park Place Entertainment casinos are now bankrupt.

Isn't that like telling a smoker he can't buy a pack of smokies, just because he's an addict? I thought that was the point.

Posted 12/09/2003 10:30:00 PM by Douglas

Won't someone please think of the children?!? Clear Creek ISD is after some more of my money, and they're only slightly more convincing this time around. Ok, so they've trimmed $73 Million off the package they offered up this spring that included a $20 Million high school football stadium, but still, I don't think they offer up a persuasive case:

At Clear Creek High School, a 47-year-old campus, the roof of the auditorium is covered with water stains. There’s also no access for handicapped people to an upstairs room where costumes and props are stored, and the district is currently renting a dimmer rack for $1,500 a month because the components of the almost 50-year-old lighting unit died.

“They (students) need to continue productions,” said Fred Niccum, director of public facilities and planning.

I know I'm a dinosaur, but I came from a public school in Texas that was about 60 years old, and we didn't even have A/C. But that's missing the big picture: isn't public education supposed to be about, oh, I don't know education instead of entertainment? I know CCISD needs new schools to mollycoddle the influx of children in the district, but they're just not tugging at my heart strings by appealing to their lack of equipment for extracurricular activities. Especially when you consider we're already paying the maximum amount in school taxes the State of Texas allowes by law.

I can understand money for new schools, but look at some of this other stuff they're asking for:

• Seabrook Intermediate (new band hall)
• Clear Lake Intermediate (new band hall and new choir room)
• Clear Lake High School (new band hall and new field house)
• Clear Creek High School (new band hall and new dance, scene and theater studio)
• Clear Brook High School (new dance studio and new gymnasium)
• New agricultural facility (to serve Clear Brook and Clear Lake high schools)
• Gymnasiums at elementary schools (Armand Bayou, Clear Lake City, Greene, Hall, Landolt, Ross, Whitcomb and White)
• Scoreboards
• Bleachers
• New tennis courts at intermediate schools (12)
• Upgrade athletic facilities (26)
• Outdoor athletic storage buildings (12)

Pardon me if I don't bust out crying. Do the residents of CCISD have a vested interest in seeing that the children of the community receive a perfunctory education? Yes. Do they need $264 Million for lighting equipment in the theater arts department and new band halls and tennis courts? I'm afraid not.

But I'm in the minority on this one. I'll vote yes for this one when they trim it down to an even $150 Million for new schools and land. Either that, or give each voter a line-item veto.

Posted 12/09/2003 05:44:00 PM by Douglas

What a scathing piece about the transition of power at Boeing. I'm sure any company that big is going to have some dirty laundry but this is just kooky:

"Condit had married Jan Condit -- his first cousin -- in the early '90s"

Whaaa? How do you get to be that powerful if Business Week finds out you married your first cousin? Isn't that illegal?

Said one Boeing lawyer to a senior Boeing executive: "We have another Bill Clinton on our hands."

That seems a little odd, don't ya think? Also:

"Condit hosted elaborate parties that often included poetry readings and evenings of Camelot themes, featuring characters from King Arthur."

Uh, does this involve any D&D characters or a 21 sided die?

Here's yet another article about the goings on at Boeing. This one had at least a ray of optimism, and no mention of incest:

To leapfrog Airbus, Boeing needed to roll the dice. Instead, its new culture of soaking the taxpayers for military goodies while playing it safe on the commercial-aircraft front may have cost Boeing its future and blown a hole in the U.S. economy that never will close.

Posted 12/08/2003 05:31:00 PM by Douglas

Attention Deficit Drugs May Have Long-Term, uh, hey look over there! That dog has a puffy tail!

Imagine? Drugs given throughout the childhood has a long-term effect on the brain? Yes; this and many more fact filled headlines in this month's copy of Duh!

Posted 12/08/2003 04:55:00 PM by Douglas

Nothing like a highly trained athlete, at the top of his game, soundly defeating all other challengers in the regional competitions, heading off to Nationals. In case you've never been lucky enough to see a wiener dog race, it's quite hysterical. The dogs pretty much just chase their owners down the track as they run in front of the dogs with squeaky toys.

"I am so excited," she said. "It's going to be such a great experience. Just getting out of town and going to a place like San Diego, all because of your dog. It's not something you'd expect."

Riding the fame and fortune of your dachshund. Yep, I think you could call that "unexpected."

Posted 12/08/2003 04:42:00 PM by Douglas

More on the new monstrosity from Airbus. Japan's two biggest airlines have turned it down.

"The A380 programme can't be judged a success without sales to Japanese airlines. It's still possible Airbus could make a return on the A380 without them, but it makes it extremely difficult."

It sure would break my heart to see a State-supported socialist collaboration like Airbus have to eat the $12 Billion development cost of this behemoth.

Posted 12/08/2003 12:09:00 AM by Douglas

Can you even imagine how long it would take to board a 555-seat plane? Even if they use more than one door, that's going to take forever. And they think that the airports are going to foot the bill for their flying terrorist target? What's wrong with those communists?

How fitting that this is coming up in 2003, the centennial year of heavier than air powered flight. For the last 100 years, aviation has been about higher, faster, farther. Now, with the death of the Concorde, what's Airbus setting their sights for? A giant, uh, bus. In the air.

I guess anyone could have seen that one coming.

Posted 12/07/2003 08:59:00 PM by Douglas

So the Republic of Texas are still at it. Now it looks like they've selected Overton as their capital. It's good to see some people fed up with the Fed to do something about it, and I wish them the best of luck.

I don't know if they remember or not, but a few years ago some states got together and decided that they didn't want to be a part of the United States anymore. It didn't turn out too well for them.

Here's to the triumph of hope over experience.

Posted 12/07/2003 08:58:00 PM by Douglas

As I've already pointed out, it's not safe to be a car-hop at an Amarillo Sonic anymore.

Posted 12/07/2003 08:57:00 PM by Douglas

How are those brilliant pseudo-aggies at West Texas A&M going about protecting the endangered hory toads? By destroying their natural defenses and camouflage with radio transmitters in tiny hand sewn backpacks. I guess it'll be easy to spot the really popular hory toads: They wear their backpacks over one shoulder.

Posted 12/07/2003 08:56:00 PM by Douglas

"Thank you for calling Verizon, how may I provide you with excellent customer service today?" Phone companies to lower rates on internet service?

"The question that remains is, will we have a price war?" Leichtman said. "The challenge is once you start this, it's very hard to extract yourself from it."

If any of these ass-hats did what they said they would, they wouldn't need a price war.

Posted 12/07/2003 08:56:00 PM by Douglas

What the hell? A tropical storm in December? Didn't Odette get the message that hurricane season ends in October?

Posted 12/07/2003 01:53:00 AM by Douglas

You think you're doing OK, you've lived a good life, then all of a sudden, you find yourself stone cold dead. Some years later, you find yourself in heaven, though a process called "proxy baptism."

The question is. . .are you pissed off about it? Can your heirs determine your salvation?

Posted 12/07/2003 01:32:00 AM by Douglas

Cigarette tax to fund our public schools in Texas? Has it really come to this? Looks like it has. Smokers are an easy target, but at least Bill has an eye for things to come:

Bill Orzechowski, an anti-cigarette tax consultant, disputed the efficiency of a cigarette tax to pay for public schools. He argued that revenue would gradually decline as the number of smokers declines, while the "voracious appetite" of education funding increases over time.

Gee, I wonder who Bill works for. . . . Oh wait, here's the big finish:

Orzechowski, whose research was largely funded by the tobacco industry, also cautioned that Texans would go to the Internet or neighboring states for cheaper cigarettes.

Now that's the best program I've ever heard. Sucking off the state taxes of our neighboring states. This plan works well for those of us in Orange, Wellington, and El Paso, but what about those poor unfortunate soles in Brady, Goldwaithe, and Early? There's several hundred miles between you and cheep cigarettes in Oklahoma if you live in Waxahachie.

Posted 12/07/2003 01:17:00 AM by Douglas

I guess I'm going to be the first one to say it, but won't somone please think of the Salt Cedar???

Posted 12/05/2003 01:00:00 AM by Douglas

It's hot, you're pregnant, and you just want some damn mayo on your cheeseburger. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so, because this person got run over for it. But the judge sums it up best:

"I can't imagine or think of anything more ridiculous than this. It all happened over a hamburger," state District Judge Brock Thomas told Nolan. "I sure hope it was worth it, because you'll have 10 years to think about it."

I think the saddest part of this story is overlooked here. A McDondald's manager steps in front of a moving car for the cost of a couple of cheeseburgers? Not that her "chronic digestive problems" or her inability "to fulfill her wifely duties" is any laughing matter, but think about the dollar amount that would provoke you to step in front of a moving car. Is it more or less than $4?

Posted 12/05/2003 12:06:00 AM by Douglas

You think you're moving in for a little make-up lip-lockin', and you end up losing part of your tongue. That's got to be hard to explain to your mom when you get home from you date. This guy should be glad he only made it to 1st base.

Posted 12/04/2003 11:57:00 PM by Douglas

Are you horribly disappointed with the functionality of your "Big Mouth Billy Bass" you got for Christmas 3 years ago? Apparently, you're not alone. But these plucky young entrepreneurs have decided to do something about it. And you thought Linux was for losers. . .

Posted 12/04/2003 11:22:00 PM by Douglas

Alcohol causes loss of, uh, some kind of tissue loss, but I can't remember what kind. Good thing I don't drink anymore. I don't drink any less, either.

Less than, say, your average touring funk band.

Posted 12/04/2003 11:04:00 PM by Douglas

This came from Fark: Go to Google and type in "miserable failure" (w/quotes) and hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button.

Something we've known in Texas for a long time.

Posted 12/04/2003 07:32:00 AM by Douglas

I really thought that those cattle that escaped the truck wreck yesterday were going to escape to find their freedom. Perhaps in Mexico. How depressing it is to find out that they ended up at the slaughterhouse after all? How sad:

"They're hamburger now."

What's for lunch? And how's this for your average statement made by a police spokesman:

"Cows don't obey hand signals or traffic cones," he said.

But they are delicious. Also, be sure and check here for updated info about the euthanization of the injured cattle. The police only shot the cow after it had been tranquilized by animal control.

Dinner is served.

Posted 12/03/2003 11:03:00 PM by Douglas

Monkeys love Pepsi:

Is that a corn cob, or are you just happy to see me?

OR:

Boy, Britney's really let herself go since the last album. . .

Posted 12/03/2003 10:53:00 PM by Douglas

MADD not doing enough to curb drunk driving? Is this a joke? In Texas, you lose your license for the first two DWI convictions you get, and on the third one, you go to prison. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Straight to prison. And you don't even have to be in an accident. Just driving home after three beers (in an hour) and happen to have a BAL over 0.08%. Where's the justice in that? Now the NHTSA wants to put the onus on doctors to predict when a drunk may decide to drive?

"A doctor's advice is often all you need to catch them early," he said

Or a bartender's. "He ordered a double, lock his ass up!"

Look, if you run over someone in your car, guess what? It's still illegal, drunk or sober. It shouldn't be more illegal just because you've had a beer or seven. That's just one short step away from the thought police saying it's the beer's fault. It's not. You made a bad call, Bubba. And whether you were changing a CD or you were three sheets to the wind, it's still your fault.

How 'bout a little more personal responsibility and a little less governmental intervention?

Posted 12/03/2003 05:13:00 PM by Douglas

Are you tired of your crappy Windows computer crashing every 45 minutes? Well never fear, because MicroSoft hopes to bring such wonderful technology to your car. Actually, this might not be a bad thing. Instead of 100 cars in your way on the road, there will only be 50. The rest will be on the side of the road talking with tech support in Kuala Lumpur. "OK, roll up all the windows on the vehicle, and then try to start it."

Something tells me Apple and Toyota are going to have something worked out very soon. . .

Posted 12/03/2003 04:59:00 PM by Douglas

For once, Wal-Mart does something that doesn't make me want to puke. They've stopped accepting signature required debit payments from MasterCard. It's about damn time, and I hope Wal-Mart has enough pull to see that this doesn't come back.

If you use a debit card as a credit card, the credit card company (MasterCard) gets 3% of the transaction. But if you input a PIN, the bank issuing the card charges between 75¢ and $1.50 for the transaction. For using the same card! So by using a PIN as opposed to a signature, you save the retailer (and ultimately, yourself) some money, and for someone like Wal-Mart, that adds up to Billions a year.

"Wal-Mart has demonstrated that when they get committed to a program like this, they can hold their breath for a long time," he said. "I think it is likely that MasterCard will end up having to give some concessions to make this work."

Too many times this has happened where Wal-Mart has flexed its retail muscle to screw the little guys. It's a good change to see that they're stickin' it to MasterCard, for screwing us all out of our money, while doing almost noting in return.

Posted 12/03/2003 04:47:00 PM by Douglas

Why does your mom always run to the bathroom after she sneezes? Well, that depends. . .

Posted 12/03/2003 04:36:00 PM by Douglas

42 head of cattle, well, 20 anyway, found freedom on their way to the slaughterhouse. Hard to believe the cops had to shoot 5 of them.

Posted 12/01/2003 07:01:00 PM by Douglas

The bottom 25 albums, according to Corporate MoFo. Damn funny, and I don't own a single one.

Posted 12/01/2003 06:58:00 PM by Douglas

From the "what the hell did he just say?" file. Rumsfeld wins the foot in mouth award with this jewel:

"Reports that say something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know," Rumsfeld told a news briefing.

"We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know."

Yeah, what he said.

Posted 11/30/2003 11:20:00 PM by Douglas

A sobering thought, which I generally need at this time on a Sunday night. The last two posts contain the words "Kinky" and "genitalia." I'm sure this will boost my google hits ten fold. I can hope, can't I? In case that doesn't work, here's the obligatory "Britney Spears." That always helps.

Posted 11/30/2003 11:16:00 PM by Douglas

"He Ain't Kinky, He's my Governor!" I can't believe this made The New York Times. I already hit on this when it was news in Texas (although I'm sure the Houston Chronicle link is dead and cold). I don't know what's worse. That he's serious, or that he actually might have a chance of winning.

Posted 11/30/2003 10:52:00 PM by Douglas

Through citing some pretty specious reasoning this guy thinks that women don't want to join the workforce because they're lazy. Well, duh. Who does? Want to work, that is. Then you have your Nanny-envy:

And then there’s the nanny lifestyle. Woman C remembers coming home from a typically enervating day at work on a gloriously hot evening and saying to the nanny, ‘Hi, how’s your day been?’ And rather gallingly, the nanny replied, ‘Oh, fine. I’ve just sat by the pool and watched the children all day.’ Within the month, Woman C had given up work and the nanny was jobless. And, indeed, pool-less. Serves the bitch right, no?

Ouch. Uh, I don't think I have the proper genitalia to make a judgment on that statement, but I sure can't argue with that. Ruling out all those who don't have nannies, who wouldn't rather sit by the pool all day? I don't think women are beating their brains out at a job all day from lack of "childcare legislation," whatever the hell that might mean. Where is this all going?

The conclusion we might draw from all of this is that a) there are indeed cultural pressures that contribute to keeping women in the home and b) there are in some cases economic pressures also, but c) a lot of women don’t work because they don’t like working — for many of the reasons why men don’t like working, if we’re honest. It’s a drudge.

Argue with that last one. I dare you.

Labels: working women

Posted 11/30/2003 05:29:00 PM by Douglas

Life is full of simple pleasures. For some, it may be WonderWoman Underwear.

Posted 11/30/2003 05:20:00 PM by Douglas

Will the downloading generation ever pay for online music? I think we all know the answer to that. It's a big, emphatic, apathetic NO. Why?:

"it's too easy to get music free.''

Is the RIAA ever going to wake up and embrace this efficient way of distributing music, or are they going to continue to try to lock up Jr. High kids.

Also, There's a publication called the Vanderbilt Hustler? Who knew?

Labels: RIAA

Posted 11/30/2003 02:04:00 PM by Douglas

The most thorough, concise, and accurate intelligence test on the web I've ever seen.

Posted 11/30/2003 01:39:00 PM by Douglas

What a sad day in Amarillo, when not even a Sonic Car Hop is safe from idiot teenagers. Honestly, how much cash does a car hop carry, anyway? You'd think they'd go for the Coney and Tots, or something useful.

Posted 11/29/2003 06:35:00 PM by Douglas

League City got the greenlight for the Clear Creek Nature Park.

Posted 11/29/2003 06:29:00 PM by Douglas

100 things to do 100 miles from Houston.

Posted 11/29/2003 02:15:00 PM by Douglas

"It hasn't bothered my health any. I'm 70 years old and still kickin'. Pretty good, too," Keys testified. Strange words from a man that dies from a heart attack moments later. Funny? No. Ironic? Yes.

Posted 11/29/2003 01:51:00 PM by Douglas

I don't need the National Geographic Society to tell me that we talk funny.

"But this is Texas, and things are just different here."

Damn right.

Posted 11/26/2003 08:52:00 PM by Douglas

Caption Time!

That's the luckiest turkey on the planet. Both of them.
Your reprieve has been denied; you're the first turkey to die by lethal injection.
Hey hey! Don't touch me there!

Posted 11/26/2003 03:28:00 PM by Douglas

What kind of idiot would try to introduce Tofurky, a fake Thanksgiving turkey make out of Tofu, in the town of Turkey, Texas?

"I'm not putting down tofu," Boles said. "I don't want anybody who likes tofu to get mad at me, but we're kind of old-fashioned here."

Well, duh. but it would been interesting if the "lettuce ladies" had shown up. Bob Wills would be proud.

Posted 11/25/2003 05:22:00 PM by Douglas

Consider the implications of the following sentence: "The world's only supersonic jetliner is going to a museum." And it's getting there on a barge, no less. It's just so very sad.
Things that belong in a museum: Dinosaur skeletons, pottery shards, and sweaty Elvis jumpsuits.
Things that don't: Fully functional versions of the most advanced commercial aircraft ever built.

Posted 11/25/2003 05:22:00 PM by Douglas

Who would have thought that losing a vehicle would have been so expensive? I really can't tell from this article how much this is going to cost, but if it looks like it all adds up to $813.4 Million. That's a lot of scratch.

Posted 11/25/2003 05:21:00 PM by Douglas

Men give bad gifts. Hey, there's a news flash. I find it hard to believe that only 33% of women say their man has given them a gift that was "far off the mark." Sounds awfully low to me. And a divorce? Sometimes that might be the best gift of all.

Posted 11/24/2003 06:47:00 PM by Douglas

Maybe Geuda Springs, Kansas went too far, fining people that don't own a gun. Coming from a place that relies on the County Sheriff because the town doesn't have a police department, I can say that a "lack of an armed citizenry" probably isn't an issue. I doubt there's any more or less crime in Geuda Springs than there is anywhere else in the Midwest. I do like Phillip Russell's comment. It sums it all up:

"It's nobody's business but our own. Everybody out of town is making this their business."

Hey, why don't you just shoot 'em?

Posted 11/24/2003 06:38:00 PM by Douglas

13-year-old Vietnamese boy sold for $19 to a dog-meat eatery? I bet Michael Jackson would have at least doubled that offer. He was mute, after all, and would have a hard time testifying

Posted 11/24/2003 06:33:00 PM by Douglas

So Survivor! Elizabeth is going to be on The View? Why do I care about this? I don't, but I couldn't help laughing at the Fark comment:

Survivor finalist gets new spot on The View. Says experience will come in handy when fighting Star Jones for doughnuts and coffee.

Posted 11/23/2003 05:50:00 PM by Douglas

I hope they lock up these idiots and throw away the key. I bet that 5 mile walk was a bitch, considering how drunk they must have been.

Posted 11/23/2003 04:51:00 PM by Douglas

A great article on the construction of the Freedom Tower. I love this one:

In a look back at the past century of skyscraper development, it becomes powerfully clear that building by committee was not the route by which the city's greatest structures came to define the skyline.

Posted 11/23/2003 04:14:00 PM by Douglas

Another great piece on American Eugenics and the implications it had on the rest of the world. I sorta weighed in on this earlier, but I'm a bit surprised the Mother Jones didn't touch on the involvement of Margaret Sanger. Here's a longer version of Oliver Wendell Holmes' opinion in Buck V. Bell:

"It is better for all the world, if instead of waiting to execute degenerate offspring for crime, or to let them starve for their imbecility, society can prevent those who are manifestly unfit from continuing their kind.... Three generations of imbeciles are enough."

Scary to think this was America, and only 70 years ago.

Posted 11/23/2003 10:26:00 AM by Douglas

M-16 Rifle May Be on Way Out. Somehow I doubt that. The M-4 is the exact same weapon, with a telescoping stock and a 16" barrel.

Posted 11/23/2003 09:49:00 AM by Douglas

Women, your days of suffering in this patriarchal, male dominated society are over. I'm all for equality, but other than campfires and writing your name in the snow, I fail to see the advantages. And check out the directions for the "finger assist" method. Finally, women now have an equal opportunity to piss down their legs.

Also, check out this page. Imagine the woman sitting next to you on the plane whips out a piss funnel and fills a ziplock bag. Lovely.

Is it just me, or does this thing look like a dildo?

Posted 11/22/2003 02:05:00 PM by Douglas

For reasons known only to them, 380 falconers will swoop in on Amarillo later this afternoon. You might want to keep your Chihuahua indoors for a while.

Posted 11/22/2003 01:47:00 PM by Douglas

Good to see that Bush isn't still holding a grudge about the 2000 election. Why else is the Air Force still bombing the crap out of Florida?

Posted 11/21/2003 04:44:00 PM by Douglas

BBQ up on the EasTex Freeway.

Posted 11/21/2003 04:43:00 PM by Douglas

This just might be the dumbest thing ever released by the media. Poor Sha Ross, getting turned down for Playboy because she got breast augmentation. Riiiight. Since when has this been a problem before? I thought it was a prerequisite.

"I felt she might be jeopardizing her future with Playboy by getting enhancements," said Jeff Cohen.

Jeff, say that again 3 times and tell me if that makes any sense to you.

"There's no question we will continue to photograph and publish women who have had augmentation to their breasts," Cohen said.

Whew. I was getting really worried there for minute. Thanks for settling that for us, Jeff.

Posted 11/21/2003 04:23:00 PM by Douglas

Five words I didn't think I'd see combined in the same sentence in 2003: "rocket-launcher-equipped donkey carts."

Posted 11/20/2003 07:16:00 PM by Douglas

The Austin Chapter of The National Organization of Women rescheduled their monthly meeting to today at 1:15 P.M. at I-35 and Stassney to coordinate with this event. There were no survivors.

Posted 11/20/2003 06:05:00 PM by Douglas

Yes, I'm bored, so I'm over at The Corner, and it took me all of 17 seconds to find something I found profoundly disturbing. This little nugget, a list of "quotes" attributed to John Derbyshire. But it's this one that almost made beer come out my nose:

Let's face it, in the great 20th-century struggle between the state and the individual, the state has won, game, set, and match.

Maybe I'm missing something, taking it out of context and all, but I doubt it. I can't even imagine a context to take that comment where it wouldn't be absurd. Not that he's wrong, mind you, but that the statement seems to be dripping with approval. These guys call themselves Conservatives? They tout the greatest accomplishment of the Reagan Neo-Cons as being the defeat of the Soviet empire, so why such veneration of the collective?

Posted 11/20/2003 05:35:00 PM by Douglas

Yet another brilliant example of the internet bringing people closer together through mutual understanding.

Posted 11/19/2003 05:50:00 PM by Douglas

Mikhail Kalashnikov, at 84, has had a lot of time to think about his invention and what effect it has had on modern warfare. his thoughts?

"I'd much rather have invented a machine to make life easier for farmers and peasants -- something like a lawn mower."

What a nice little Soviet he is, even after all these years. But there's more:

"But it's not the designer's fault or the weapon's fault when terrible things happen; it's the politicians'," said Kalashnikov, a former major general. "It's because the politicians are unable to reach peaceful agreements. I must say I sleep quite soundly."

Good to hear that he's sleeping well. And he's right, it's not his fault. Guns don't kill people, and gun designers certainly don't kill people. Unless, of course, they do. Funny that he's not bitter about not making any money. Personally, I'd take the money over a monument, any day. Statues tend to make my butt look big.

Posted 11/19/2003 05:46:00 PM by Douglas

We need a truck load of bananas and vanilla wafers out to I-380 stat!

Posted 11/19/2003 05:43:00 PM by Douglas

It looks like The Ritz is finally on its way to a face lift. I'm kinda wondering what sort of "arts and music center" it is going to be, but I'm looking forward to it. The balcony has definitely seen better days, and hopefully some better days to come:

Posted 11/19/2003 05:30:00 PM by Douglas

Remember September 11th? People reacted to those tragedies in many different ways. Some people decided you needed "to cleanse yourself from this monumental unhappiness." Well now you can too with "BAR OF FAITH PRAYER SOAP."

At times like these when Christians everywhere are reaching out for comfort and healing, how wonderful it is to start the day washing their hands and face with a clear soap that contains a beautiful floating cross.

Before going to bed this 100% PURE GLYCERIN soap will again refresh them and instill the message to them and their children that "cleanliness is next to Godliness."

And how could you possibly dismiss this unsolicited testimonial:

Rosalie's good friend Leticia Hart had this to say when she first used BAR OF FAITH PRAYER SOAP, "Whenever I take this soap in my hands, it's like a miracle, I feel good all over and closer to my faith. Everyone I know wants to get these soaps for themselves and for gifts as well."

Posted 11/19/2003 05:26:00 PM by Douglas

Get out while you can. Before the attack turkeys kill you and everyone you care about. But next week's coming, and payback's a bitch.

Posted 11/19/2003 05:25:00 PM by Douglas

What time is it on your VCR? I just couldn't resist adding this little jewel right under the links.

Posted 11/18/2003 03:58:00 PM by Douglas

For anyone who may be hunting in East Texas this fall, be sure and keep an eye out for shuttle debris.

"I think there's some stuff out there because they only found about 40 percent of the shuttle, and they didn't really search areas in the west of the county," said Cherokee County Judge Chris Davis.

40%? That sounds a bit low to me. I can't image that they'd base that number on weight. Too much of it disintegrated, not to mention the liquid parts that could never be recovered (freon, water, prop). And "they didn't really search areas in the west of the county?" I know I shouldn't rely on a country judge for NASA information, but check the weather radar from February 1. It'd be hard to convince me they didn't search all the way to Jacksonville.

Posted 11/17/2003 10:43:00 PM by Douglas

Don't drink and drive in a Civil War Cemetary. Words to live by, kids.

Posted 11/17/2003 09:36:00 PM by Douglas

If you get stabbed by a chopstick and gets lodged in your brain, you should probably go to the doctor to see about it before you eye gets so infected you can't move it, five years later.

Posted 11/17/2003 09:27:00 PM by Douglas

Who in the heck would ship an alligator through the mail? This story just raises more questions than it answers:

• Why is a gator going from Milwaukee to Colorado?
• What in the hell is a gator doing in Wisconsin? Won't they freeze? Not like Colorado is much better.
• There's a gator preserve in Chicago? Are the gators aware of this? I thought they lived in the South for a reason.
• Why is it OK to ship a 19 inch long gator? Seems like a gator under 20 inches is just as bad as one over 20.

But I guess this is worse. Shipping body parts through FedEx? Geez. Haven't these people ever heard of UPS? Also, it was only discovered that the package contained a body part after it started leaking. Uh, leaking what, exactly? I don't know what could be leaking out of a thawing, severed limb, but it ain't good.

Posted 11/16/2003 01:21:00 PM by Douglas

A list of salaries, right out of college. Engineers start out high, but some have a flat growth rate. It's also hard to use an engineering degree to screw others out of their money.

Posted 11/15/2003 01:29:00 PM by Douglas

Attack of the subheads. I don't think I share all of Jim Walsh's aversions to subheadings, but he makes some good points:

But, because Mr. or Ms. Hack-the-Art has nothing better to do, or has been issued a direct edict from the Corporate Subhead Division or the Let's Foster Skimmers Not Readers Team, what we get are subheads that simply repeat the most obvious language/theme from the upcoming paragraph or artificially created "section."

I couldn't agree more. Subheads are only slightly less annoying than articles where a third of the words are highlighted links, that will presumably take you to much better articles than the one you're reading.

Posted 11/14/2003 07:07:00 PM by Douglas

I find this fascinating. I'm sure all the warbloggers are going to spin this into the "liberal media" category, but it just goes to show that sometimes when the U.S.A.F drops a 500 pound bomb in someone's house, they may harbor Un-American feelings afterwards. The irony isn't lost on me that the previous attacks on U.S. forces was the cause for the new round of bombings, either.

Since when did we start taking foreign policy advice from the IDF? I see bulldozers under American flags leveling houses in Iraq in short order. I love this quote:

"We liked them until this weekend. Why did they drop bombs near us?"

Try not to ask so many questions, because we're short on answers right now. Especially to that particular question.

Keep in mind we're not conquers or occupiers. We're liberators, bringing democracy to the Iraqi people. 500 pounds at a time.

Posted 11/13/2003 11:43:00 PM by Douglas

And what would some animal pictures be without a photo of one of the biggest freaks on the planet? Nothing, I tell ya.

Uh, Only 1,093 piercings? Now there's something to shoot for: 1,094.

Posted 11/13/2003 11:37:00 PM by Douglas

And here's a kitty. Further proof, kitties save lives.

Posted 11/13/2003 11:25:00 PM by Douglas

Random picture: Dog chases bird.

Cool pict, though.

Posted 11/13/2003 10:28:00 PM by Douglas

It's getting pretty close to Christmas time, and for those of you that haven't bought a gift for Dave yet, try This. I'm sure this little bad boy is sure to please anyone with a "Cabover Pete with a reefer on."

Posted 11/13/2003 10:18:00 PM by Douglas

Are you like me? have you been searching high and low for "Britain's first and only motorcycle sidecar hearse?" Well look no further. Daddy sure did love his motorcycle. . . .

Posted 11/13/2003 10:03:00 PM by Douglas

When Wynonna Judd was busted for DWI in Memphis, who was riding shotgun? Irony. Two weeks ago, she presented "40 Greatest Drinkin' Songs" on CMT.

The real tragedy here is the total lack of a single Dwight Yoakam song. You're going to make a list of drinking songs and leave out Dwight? I don't think so. What about these timeless classics:

• It Won't Hurt (when I fall down off this barstool)
• This Drinkin' Will Kill Me
• Since I Started Drinkin' Again
• Two Doors Down

I'm sure Townes Van Zandt is spinning in his drunken grave.

Posted 11/12/2003 07:16:00 PM by Douglas

Most guys don't really have an opinion about women breast feeding in public. Well, it depends on the woman. So why does Burger King feel the need to apologize to a woman in Utah because they asked her to leave for breast feeding in their restaurant? Some women find it a beautiful and personal act of motherhood. Others, (the "don't call me chick chicks, mainly) think they should be able to do it while driving. I'm sure there's a happy medium there, but at the freakin' Burger King? I try not to touch anything I don't have to at the fast food places. Does she really want to set her baby down in a pile of rancid mayonnaise before feeding it? At least she hopes that's mayo. . .

Posted 11/12/2003 06:36:00 PM by Douglas

From the "that wasn't chicken" file. The Panda Garden Seafood Restaurant in Alberta, Canada has been serving coyote. This must come as a huge shock for those that go to Chinese restaurants expecting dog or better. Just be glad it wasn't the Panda. That can get a bit gamy.

Posted 11/11/2003 07:52:00 PM by Douglas

The headline says it all: Activists upset by Girl Scouts in Alaska who trap, skin beavers. I'll admit I have a filthy mind, but this is just too much. Was the editor sick today?

Working under close supervision, the girls used knives to skin the beavers.

Sounds like something you'd read on movie at the video store. The back room of the video store, if you know what I mean.

Posted 11/10/2003 07:23:00 PM by Douglas

I must admit: I'm insane. This may be the dumbest thing I've ever seen on the Internet. So why can't I stop laughing?

Posted 11/10/2003 05:47:00 PM by Douglas

Cats crap in a box for a reason. As long as they don't figure out how to use the microwave.

Posted 11/10/2003 05:26:00 PM by Douglas

Who knew there was so much research going on towards elephant erections? Not me, that's for sure.

When checking a female's urine, the male strokes her genitals with the tip of his trunk - and then touches his trunk to the vomeronasal organ (VNO), a specialized organ on the roof of his mouth. The VNO sends signals to the brain regions that "are hardwired to the penis", says Prestwich.

Hardwired to the penis. Tee hee hee. I never thought elephant urine could be so damn sexy. . .

Posted 11/10/2003 05:16:00 PM by Douglas

Wanna see the winners of this year's All Breed Best In Show Angora Rabbits? Sure you do. I defy you to look at these pictures and not laugh. I'm especially fond of Chu’s Mindy BCM2 White Senior Doe (third from the top). Is that even an animal, or a pile of lint?

Posted 11/10/2003 04:55:00 PM by Douglas

What an excellent way to lose your pilot's license. A flyby of the White House. What a moron. It's not like it snuck up on him. If you get picked up on radar returning from the Gulf and get intercepted by the F-16s, they send you a bill for their fuel. I'm sure it's the case with the White House, as well. That is, if they don't just throw is butt in GitMo.

Posted 11/08/2003 02:30:00 PM by Douglas

What a sad day: The United States Olympic baseball team fails to qualify for the freakin' Olympics. Next thing you know, we'll hear about foreign countries better than us at all the other things that make America great: being fat, lazy and complaining too much.

Posted 11/08/2003 02:21:00 PM by Douglas

I don't think anyone is really glad that Jessica Lynch was captured, tortured and raped, but I don't really she how committed valiant acts of bravery. It's not like she walked through a mine field to rescue a fallen comrade, did she? They took a wrong turn, got lost and then had a car wreck. The real heroes are those that went in to get her out.

The last person to get this much attention for getting lost and not knowing where they ended up? Columbus, and he didn't even get a TV movie of the week.

Posted 11/08/2003 02:13:00 PM by Douglas

Gizmodo has the scoop on how much cell phone companies are ripping us off for the privilege of number portability. I really wish I could understand all this. Why are they all worried about losing customers, and not preparing for new customers? Do they all know they suck so bad that they're sure their customers are going to leave the moment they get the chance?

Posted 11/07/2003 06:06:00 PM by Douglas

Who says suicide is a private, selfish act. Not this guy. What a horribly tragic way to go: drunk and in the middle of Highway 3.

Posted 11/07/2003 05:40:00 PM by Douglas

In a society obsessed with being cool, it's good to see "cool" get redefined to fit your needs. About to turn 30? Then 30 is the new cool. And who could have ever figured out these guys were drinking when they came up with the idea with inspiration like this:

"We wrote the book because we thought that a lot of people needed to know what Mr. T was doing when he was 30. A lot of people have been asking," Albertson said.

Yeah, that's it.

Actually, the book sounds sort of interesting, and I'm sure I'll get it for Christmas (hint hint) since it's only $8 on Amazon. Who couldn't agree with this nugget of the truth:

"I kind of look at the 20-year-olds and think 'They're so young.' "

Maybe because they have their pants around their knees skateboarding is their life's ambition.

Posted 11/05/2003 06:30:00 PM by Douglas

I can't think of a worse way of trying to get laid than trying to litigagte it. What is this guy thinking? Oh yeah. He's a lawyer. To them, reading about it is just as good as the real thing.

Dear Law Review:
I never thought I'd be writing one of these letters but last summer I was driving across country, when all of a sudden I drove past the Delta Airlines Stewardess/Dallas Cowboy Cheerleading camp. Then, from out of nowhere, I get a flat tire. . . .

Posted 11/05/2003 11:32:00 AM by Douglas

Looking for a new and creative way to get beaten by the police? Try this. I'm sure if the "my name is copyrighted and I'll charge you for using it" approach didn't work, he could just say that it's top secret, and if he told him, he'd have to kill him. Try this crap in Houston, and see how far it gets you.

Posted 11/04/2003 09:15:00 PM by Douglas

Words don't describe how bad this is gonna suck. Al Sharpton hosting SNL? This poses some interesting questions:

• What the hell is he thinking? He's not funny. Well, not intentionally, anyway. He's been the butt of their jokes on that show forever.
• What the hell is Loren Michaels thinking? The funniest show this season was hosted by Justin Timberlake. J freakin' T!! Maybe it's time to get the writers their own vending machine.
• As far as presidential candidates go, Al's not nearly as misinformed and deluded of his own grandeur as the incumbent

Posted 11/03/2003 09:04:00 PM by Douglas

This woke me up on Thrusday. Every firetruck in League City on the way to what sounded like quite an emergency. Never underestimate stupid people behind the wheel.

Posted 11/03/2003 08:59:00 PM by Douglas

Death by hospital. What's really sad about this is that is's a lot more of this kind of stuff than most people realize.

Posted 11/03/2003 08:52:00 PM by Douglas

Personally, I think Lenord Nimoy eats enough salsa, but I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion about such matters.

Posted 11/02/2003 11:11:00 PM by Douglas

The question of creation vs. evolution, to be settled in the text books of Texas sophmores. Yeah, right.

Posted 11/01/2003 11:43:00 AM by Douglas

Something about the story about Fox News suing The Simpsons didn't pass the smell test, now Matt comes out and says he made it all up. Good one, Matt. I know I fell for it. The funny part was with all the rabid people at Fox News, it wasn't at all unbelievable.

Posted 10/31/2003 06:43:00 PM by Douglas

Allison Brown has some interesting observations of the differences between women and men, and why women don't make good libertarians:

I, like most women, see the individual person, not the representation of so much of what is wrong with society today. We tend to ignore the forest and look at the trees. Men, in general, are much more able to look past the trees and decide what is best for the forest as a whole.

She makes some other observations that are kinda broad (he he, get it? broad) but that one is dead on.

Posted 10/31/2003 06:41:00 PM by Douglas

Let's say you're the leader of the free world. Fifteen years ago, your dad held the same position. But now, instead of doting you with adulation, he awards your biggest enemy. That's right, folks, the 2003 George Bush Award for Excellence in Public Service is going to Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy at the George Bush Presidential Library in College Station, Texas, on November 7th. I sure hope I can get tickets to that! Here's the condensed version:

Father Bush has done it in his own preferred nuanced way -- the way Establishment gentlemen operate -- but he has revealed the depth of his disagreement with his impetuously uninformed son.

Ouch. Sounds like Poppy's pissed.

Posted 10/30/2003 10:43:00 PM by Douglas

Thanks to the Coen Brothers, I’ll never be able to hear “Maricopa County” and not crack a smile. But this is actually pretty sad, considering the circumstances.

Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

Posted 10/30/2003 10:15:00 PM by Douglas

In the middle of the Victorian era in America, the largest structure in North America was built in the middle of a river. It took almost 15 years to build, and only 27 people died during the construction. For comparison, 96 died 50 years later during the construction of Hoover dam.

So, for anyone that’s walked across, flown under, proposed on it, or jumped off it, keep in mind that when it was built, it was the tallest structure on either shore.

Posted 10/30/2003 07:46:00 PM by Douglas

Hey! That guy looks like Kenny Rogers! Well now you can submit a photo.

Posted 10/30/2003 07:41:00 PM by Douglas

Guinness Book of Records: What an unabashed waste of time. I wonder if he got all 154 clothes pins on his face if he'd been happy with himself, of if he'd gone on for 156.

I wonder if he puts this on his resume.

Posted 10/29/2003 09:26:00 PM by Douglas

Dustin Hoffman is an idiot:

"I was particularly surprised by the omission given my opposition to the loophole that makes it legal for 18- to 20-year-olds to buy handguns at gun shows," he added.

There is no such thing as a "gun-show loophole" and every anti-gun nut out there only exposes their ignorance when they make such asinine statements. Every sale from a Federally licensed firearm dealer must follow the same paperwork and background checks that every other dealer must follow. A sale at a gun show from one private citizen, selling their own property to someone else, isn't a "loophole". It's more like a garage sale.

Anyway, why is the NRA making lists of people that are on opposite sides of the political spectrum? We know the NRA are in trouble, but making a list of "people we don't like" is just a little too Jr. High, it seems.

Posted 10/29/2003 09:15:00 PM by Douglas

Insurance companies rule the country, example #587. How much do these "black boxes" cost, and what benefit am I getting from it, since I'm the one that paid for it. (The one in my car, anyway.) Since it seems like the only useful purpose they would have is to asses liability after a collision, I really don't see how they could justify a universal implementation.

And why are we just now finding out about them if they've used them for 13 years? It doesn't sound like we're getting the whole story on this one.

Labels: EDR

Posted 10/29/2003 08:43:00 PM by Douglas

So after supplying Al Franken with a truck load of free publicity when he came out with his new book, Fox News then set their sights on The Simpsons for making fun of their crawler. I wonder how long it took them to realize they have the same boss? But that's not the best part of this:

"Now Fox has a new rule that we can't do those little fake news crawls on the bottom of the screen in a cartoon because it might confuse the viewers into thinking it's real news," he said.

So it wasn't that Fox News go upset for the ridicule of their right-leaning news with such quips as "JFK posthumously joins Republican Party" or "Study: 92 per cent of Democrats are gay", it was that a viewer might turn on their TVs, tune into The Simpsons, see the crawler, and actually think they were watching Fox News.

Posted 10/29/2003 08:35:00 PM by Douglas

If you're making a controversial movie where you play Jesus Christ and you get struck by lightning it may be time to talk to your agent.

Posted 10/29/2003 08:24:00 AM by Douglas

What a tragedy. One less topless club in Amarillo as The Cage closes its doors due to lack of zoning compliance. I think a strip club next door to an ice cream parlor sounds like a great idea, although it's best to be sure you're in the right place when you asked for a "dipped cone."

Also, what is it about strip clubs and "Grandfather clauses" that makes me thing of dirty old men?

Posted 10/28/2003 05:22:00 PM by Douglas

Yet another list. Top ten discoveries Thermodynamics should be higher than 9, but I'm a bit biased.

Posted 10/28/2003 05:15:00 PM by Douglas

A very interesting piece on diamonds, their inflated value and scarcity, and how one company made it that way. Never underestimate a woman and her affinity for shiny things.

Posted 10/27/2003 08:13:00 PM by Douglas

Celebrities. Is there anything they can't do? Dennis Miller is an idiot, but that's not what really bugs me about stories bitching about the government wasting money. NASA may be a bloated inefficient bureaucracy, but it's certainly not a bottomless money pit, either. NASA receives 0.7% of the total federal budget. It sounds like he's not upset that the government is wasting the money, but that it's not wasting it the way he wants it wasted.

Posted 10/23/2003 10:23:00 PM by Douglas

Concorde: RIP. 100 years after the first heavier than air, powered manned flight, we get this progress. Pilot Dennis Toeppen says it best

"I feel like we are kind of taking a step backward technologically today."

For the first half of the 20th century, it was "faster and bigger" in all of aviation. But when the average Cletus didn't want to pay to go supersonic, it made air travel look like getting on a bus. Which is what it is now. Although I could probably never afford it, I'm going to miss it.

Posted 10/23/2003 09:43:00 PM by Douglas

There's just so much of this reparations story that I find amusing, I just don't know where to begin.

• How in the hell did they get they get a $500,000 check from the IRS? I had no idea it was that easy to get half a mil. I figured there was a cutoff, $10K, $50K, somewhere in there, that would raise a few eyebrows at the IRS before they just sent out a check. Apparently not.
• It's even possible to blow that much money in a week? Man, did they even sleep? Is anyone surprised that they bought a Benz?
• Now that they got their money from the United States government, they are now renouncing their citizenship and saying the federal court has no jurisdiction over them.
• They were angry with the legacy of slavery in this country, and their actions put them behind bars. Irony, anyone?

Posted 10/23/2003 09:26:00 PM by Douglas

Hiring illegals and passing the savings on to you. The truly ironic part is that anyone that shops at Wal-Mart to save 14 cents on a box of pop tarts isn't going to care if they break the law. They just want cheap, imported crap.

Posted 10/23/2003 09:14:00 PM by Douglas

Having recently taken a trip to the top of the UT tower, I find this story particularly interesting. I knew he brought a bunch of stuff up there and he planned to make a day of it (and almost did), but jeez. You'd think a guy carrying a footlocker to the main building would raise an eyebrow. I guess not. Here's another pretty good source of The Tower Sniper.

Posted 10/22/2003 07:54:00 AM by Douglas

This is scary. I think we can all agree that photographing people in public for "purposes of sexual gratification" is probably a bad thing, but it seems like determining where that line is may prove to be difficult. Obviously, if you're filming a video camera up some girl's skirt, that probably doesn't have a happy ending. But does that mean taking pictures of a woman in a bikini at the beach is illegal? And why does videotaping someone's crotch without their knowledge in Texas carry the same fine as trapping a skunk in your yard in Oklahoma?

Posted 10/22/2003 07:53:00 AM by Douglas

I can understand the point of view of the animal control guy: He doesn't want to get sprayed by a skunk any more than the rest of us. But to fine a woman $500 for trapping the skunk in her yard with an "unapproved" trap? I think it's a smaller threat to the community than if she pulled out her .22 and started firing away at it, which I'm pretty sure is plan B in a situation like this.

Posted 10/21/2003 09:06:00 AM by Douglas

Here's the follow-up story to the "fellatio and breast cancer" story that I linked to last week that was quickly taken down, obviously for legal reason. I had a feeling CNN would be all over that guy, like a duck on a June bug. It's funny that real papers picked up on the story and ran with it.

Posted 10/17/2003 10:44:00 PM by Douglas

Just what Texas needs: another freakin' lotto. Last I heard, Lotto Texas wasn't doing that hot. So what's this one going to do for their sales? The only way I'd buy one of these things is if they "lotto" us into a state income tax.

Posted 10/17/2003 10:42:00 PM by Douglas

Lilek's take on Tarantino's new one, Kill Bill: Vol. 1, pretty much sums up my thoughts of the movie and the director:

It's like the dialogue he wrote for "Crimson Tide" - it clangs on the ear. It jumps up and down and demands attention. Listen to me, listen to me! I'm a clever boy who knows the distinctions between Silver Age Jack Kirby "Silver Surfer" comic books and the latter artists whose work will always stand in their shadow! None of this matters, but I know the difference and you don't, and that makes me matter.

Here's another piece from the Star Tribune, (which may require registration.) It's not that he doesn't make good movies, and the violence doesn't really bother me. But his general weenie-ness accompanied by the "If you knew as much as I do about film noir from the 60s and Hong Kong from the 70s, you'd really enjoy this more" attitude that makes me want to watch baseball. Lileks has the perfect spin on his "tough guy" image, as well:

What makes it worse is knowing that if QT ever used mob money to make a film and fell behind on the payments, he would be shrieking like a gored pig the moment they started to bend his pinky back.

Posted 10/16/2003 04:26:00 PM by Douglas

If there's anyone that still doesn't think that google is the best search engine out there, read this. I had no idea it was so cool. I saw the calculator function a few weeks ago, but it was the conversion stuff that I thought was really interesting.

Posted 10/16/2003 04:25:00 PM by Douglas

Another brilliant ideas from the annals of middle management. If this school district really wants its employees to plan pregnancies around their sick days, maybe their employer will allot a specified time for them to become impregnated? I'm sure it'd be better than that film they show in Jr. High.

Posted 10/15/2003 03:46:00 PM by Douglas

You gotta feel sorry for poor Steve Bartman. Not only does he have the unfortunate last name of a music video The Simpsons released in the early 90s, he now has to deal the nagging criticisms of keeping the Cub's curse alive. The headline here is pretty funny, too: The spit hits the fan after souvenir try goes awry

The Cub's loss isn't his fault. Anyone would have done the same thing if they didn't see Alou headed their way (which he obviously didn't). But it wasn't Steve's fault that they gave up 8 runs in the 8th inning. That's was all Cubs.

Posted 10/14/2003 04:09:00 PM by Douglas

The Many Benefits of Sex I wonder if this is going to be published in next month's issue of Duh! magazine? I don't need a fancy medical study to tell me that sex helps with depression.

Posted 10/14/2003 04:06:00 PM by Douglas

No more men. I've heard that most genetic diseases are carried along the Y chromosome, but this little nugget may be too much. Where are the little girls going to come from if there aren't any little boys? This is bad news for NASCAR and the NFL, but good news for Martha Stewart and Meg Ryan movies.

Posted 10/14/2003 09:28:00 AM by Douglas

Here's the follow up to the Oz-Fest in Liberal.

Posted 10/12/2003 07:47:00 PM by Douglas

Kinky Friedman for Governor! "Don't forget, man's ability to delude himself is infinite." How could you possibly argue with such wisdom as these three excellent points:

• Let's see what happens together
• How hard could it be?
• If you elect me the first Jewish governor, I'll reduce the speed limit to 54.95

Obviously, Kinky's got soundbite for every occasion, but top this one:

"But if Lance Armstrong and Willie Nelson stay out of the race, you're probably talking to the next governor of Texas"

Hell, he'd do just as good as Arnold.

"Some things are too important to be taken seriously, and this is one of them."

All this coming from the man that ran for Justice of the Peace in Kerrville under the slogan "I'll keep us out of war with Fredericksburg!" He didn't even win that election and he can claim that one as a victory.

Posted 10/12/2003 06:53:00 PM by Douglas

Well, it looks like the munchkins are back in Kansas, Toto. Liberal, Kansas, to be exact.

Posted 10/11/2003 10:19:00 AM by Douglas

Take the "Which FARK Cliche Are You" quiz!

Labels: dumb internet quiz

Posted 10/10/2003 04:34:00 PM by Douglas

"There're Munchkins in there!!" I don't know why it strikes me as funny that the Oz Munchkins would stop by The Big Texan in Amarillo on their way to the reunion in Liberal, Kansas. Maybe it's the picture of the munchkin with the free, 72oz steak. I wonder if he finished it in a hour? It's sad that Toto made more money than the munchkins did. And how do you pay a dog, anyway?

Posted 10/10/2003 04:34:00 PM by Douglas

Ah, the perfect futility of zero-tolerence drug laws at schools. The glorified baby-sitter / social worker at the school that had to enforce this rule had to do so with a straight face. At least you'd hope.

Posted 10/10/2003 04:34:00 PM by Douglas

You see a headline that has the words "91-year old man" and "bank robber" in the same sentence and you're not read it? If for nothing else, you want to make sure you don't have any money at the banks he's successfully robbed.

Posted 10/10/2003 04:33:00 PM by Douglas

This is the reason there's so many ugly cars? I don't think it's that simple to say simply "we want something different." I like the whole "cars designed by wind tunnels (and congress) basically suck" approach.

Posted 10/10/2003 04:31:00 PM by Douglas

"After falling from a shrimp boat, she spent a night in the gulf". This woman's got to be tough as nails The only guy that could come close would be the guy that hacked off his arm with a Swiss army knife.

Posted 10/09/2003 06:08:00 PM by Douglas

This one's from May, so I'm a little late in the bashing of Bush's joblessness, but the numbers are pretty damning. I'm not one to oft quote The Nation but even Jimmy Carter had a positive number. Interesting, non the less, when you hear G'dub say today the economy has turned around. Something to think about with the election 13 months away.

Posted 10/09/2003 04:24:00 PM by Douglas

Beer saves man's life. Anyone still questioning the usefulness of the sweet, nourishing nectar of the Gods should just. . . .um, have a beer, I guess.

Posted 10/09/2003 04:23:00 PM by Douglas

This guy does an excellent job with the CNN looking website, but I must admit, it wasn't the URL that tipped me off that this was fake. It was this:

In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio over the past ten years. . .

They were able to find 15,000 "suspected" of having regular fellatio? Yeah, right.

Posted 10/09/2003 04:22:00 PM by Douglas

Miller Beer: Is there anything it can't do? When you're robbing a bank with beer, it's probably best to take a breather once you've made your get away.

Posted 10/09/2003 04:21:00 PM by Douglas

This lady's got some balls: Big ones. Your son dying on the job is one thing, but committing suicide after he goes postal and kills 3 others? Good luck.

Posted 10/08/2003 06:57:00 PM by Douglas

I was thinking about going down for the free anonymous depression screening, but then I thought, "What's the use? No one cares anyway." This sounds like an "old people with nothing to do on Thursday" screening. But at least there's a video!

Posted 10/08/2003 06:36:00 PM by Douglas

Why do all these stories make it sound like cell phone providers are terrified of the notion of number portability? If any of the cell companies were worth a damn, they'd be trying to get ready for record numbers of new customers on November 24th, as opposed to bracing for their existing customers fleeing like rats from a sinking ship.

With consumers able to keep cell phone numbers, they will be more likely to switch carriers. That should spur competition, bringing better prices and services, consumer advocates say.

First off, check your bill: I've been paying for this crap since July. It's as if they're finally having to admit that their service sucks, and the only reason people stay with their provider is because of their number. Get ready for 5 year contracts.

Case in point: After 2 and a half years with a provider that rhymes with rent, I need a new phone. I currently don't have a contract, but to get $100 credit for a new phone, I have to sign another 2 year contract. Looking around the store, I see that they only have one $100 phone; the cheapest one there. However, if I was a new customer, I could get two kick-ass Samsung phones for $79, for the same two year contract!

I tried to explain to the troglodyte behind the desk that I could get a better deal if I terminated service and started over, but if I was going to go to the trouble to do that, I was going to start over with someone else.

He told me that sounded like a better idea. I'd do it, if I thought there was a better one out there.